Did he ghost me or did something bad happen? Or is phone just not working!

[Gaeta]

Gaeta---I think it would make me look crazy if I showed up, would rather just try via phone to find out what happened. 6 months?? That's horrible, you have every night to tell him off. Why do people do this!

 

How many days as it been now? 5 days? I think it's enough of 'benefit of the doubt'. When will you consider this over? 6-7-10 days?

 

So again, What if you look crazy? Do you intent on continuing a relationship with a man that ghosted on you for a week for no good reason? I hope not, so why do you care looking crazy in front of a man you won't date anymore?

[Gaeta]

Hmm....Taking your power back to me would be not contacting him again, walking away and dating other guys! At some point (because at the very least)he'll begin to wonder why you've gone off the radar and WILL contact you at some point. THEN you say whatever you want to, though personally I wouldn't bother even giving him that satisfaction! I would just ghost on him!

 

People that ghost are coward. They hate confrontation so they wish while they ghost you they won't hear about you, why give him satisfaction? why give him exactly what he wishes for?

 

You know it feels damn good to tell a man that ghosted you that he's a coward! I hate this new dating philosophy to swallow everything up, to not make a mess, to never confront, to never express our hurt. It's not healthy! and it's giving the ghoster exactly what he wishes for. This goes hand in hand with this new generation who can't take a phone and make a phone call ! it's all about hiding! Enough of this.

[Saracena]

People that ghost are coward. They hate confrontation so they wish while they ghost you they won't hear about you, why give him satisfaction? why give him exactly what he wishes for?

 

You know it feels damn good to tell a man that ghosted you that he's a coward! I hate this new dating philosophy to swallow everything up, to not make a mess, to never confront,bu to never express our hurt. It's not healthy! and it's giving the ghoster exactly what he wishes for. This goes hand in hand with this new generation who can't take a phone and make a phone call ! it's all about hiding! Enough of this.

 

Gaeta, I totally agree with you! I absolutely hate ghosting myself but I'd wait until he contacts her! And he WILL, trust me!

 

If OP feels up to confronting him now, then by all means she can do so, but personally I'd wait a bit longer, when he's least expecting it and she's in a better frame of mind.

[winny]

Gaeta, I totally agree with you! I absolutely hate ghosting myself but I'd wait until he contacts her! And he WILL, trust me!

 

If OP feels up to confronting him now, then by all means she can do so, but personally I'd wait a bit longer, when he's least expecting it and she's in a better frame of mind.

 

Yes he will... In few days... If she left things as good as she said... He will get back when he is horny...

[winny]

People that ghost are coward. They hate confrontation so they wish while they ghost you they won't hear about you, why give him satisfaction? why give him exactly what he wishes for?

 

You know it feels damn good to tell a man that ghosted you that he's a coward! I hate this new dating philosophy to swallow everything up, to not make a mess, to never confront, to never express our hurt. It's not healthy! and it's giving the ghoster exactly what he wishes for. This goes hand in hand with this new generation who can't take a phone and make a phone call ! it's all about hiding! Enough of this.

 

I agree. We women are told to keep these emotions buried inside us for the fear of being called psychos and the impact of not letting these emotions out can be devastating. And why are we to be called psychos? Its the ghosters who have issues and who provoke such intense emotions by treating us to emotional highs n lows with no warning... I do agree with Sara on the point though to wait for the right time to give it back... Not now... When he comes back begging for sex... Thats when u give it to him fair n square.

[Saracena]

Yes he will... In few days... If she left things as good as she said... He will get back when he is horny...

 

OR because he's wondering why she's fallen off the radar and no longer *appears* interested in why he's gone AWOL. Turns the tables a bit.

 

Ghosters in general esp men, like to believe the door is still open which explains why so many disappearing exes come back....Apart from being cowards and hating confrontation, this is one of the main reasons for this type of exit!

[olivetree]

I can only imagine how painful and confusing ghosting is.

 

However, I think you should treat this as a normal breakup.

I agree with those that think you should not show up at his work or home, and am glad you have decided not to.

This isn't about saving face/not looking crazy or bottling up emotions.

It's about choosing to move forward regardless of closure or having the last word.

Confronting really doesn't have the impact on the person you think it will have.

He will just think you're crazy rather than look at himself.

This is a person who lacks character, after all.

 

Bulldog, pls stop making excuses for him not getting in touch *if* he had a broken phone.

You said he friended you on fb but doesn't use his account.

That wouldn't stop someone who actually cared from logging into his fb account and contacting you.

He could download Tinder for desktop and message you.

He could borrow a friend's phone and log into his account.

He could miss a training session and show up at your place.

Etc.

 

I hope you are starting to accept it is over and who he really is... a coward.

[bulldog9]

Saracena---I haven't contacted him again, but I just feel like I want to just know it's over from him telling me for sure before I possibly start up with my ex again, because that was definitely about to happen before I met this guy and my ex still wants it to. You are right, I will hear from him. But I just want to hear ASAP, not a week from now. Boy does this feel awful.

 

Gaeta---He left my place Thursday afternoon, today is Monday. I was trying to give it another day or two but I suppose there's no point. But I do care about looking crazy or clingy which is why I never chase anyone or freak out too much on someone. I do still want to date him if there is a legit reason why he disappeared If there's not a legit reason, I'll wait until I know that for sure before I bitch him out.

[Versacehottie]

Disillusionment373---Guess who told him to leave his profile up! Haha! I actually have had to use it multiple times to message him because sometimes texts don't get delivered on his phone for a few hours, I don't understand why, but his parents and friends were complaining to him about this as well. So sometimes I've had to use it to reach him if a text didn't go through. He 100% has not been out with anyone else, he sees me any night he is off work and during the day works his other job or trains for a few hours (he is professional jujitsu fighter).

 

oh no. I think what a silly thing to tell him to leave tinder up so you could "get in touch" when it really is just a can of worms. The irony of tracking whether or not he is in the same location thru tinder. If it's that hot and heavy between you, I would have no problem showing up or calling his work. Though to be honest, it does feel like you are being ghosted (phone breaking is a rare occasion & even then if you guys are so on track, then he'd make sure to track YOU down). Sorry. If you suspect ghosting, I think you have done enough with your messages so far. But on the other hand, if you are trying to "play it right", i don't even think that's a worry. If you are solid, it's not gonna affect things that you stalk him a little bit (after all, you are just a worried caring gf) and if he's ghosting you, you'll get the answer sooner rather than later. Good luck.

[bulldog9]

Olivetree--- All valid points, and I know. I guess there's nothing I can do. And then he'll reappear anyways and the cycle will start again.

 

 

Versacehottie--- I know the Tinder things is stupid. Honestly, I've had a few boyfriends and never taken mine down, just turned it off so new people couldn't see me, at least if I'm single again and need to use it I know who I've matched with, haha. I thought we were solid. It's amazing how wrong I was.

Edited January 9, 2017 by bulldog9

[introverted1]

Gaeta---He left my place Thursday afternoon, today is Monday. I was trying to give it another day or two but I suppose there's no point. But I do care about looking crazy or clingy which is why I never chase anyone or freak out too much on someone. I do still want to date him if there is a legit reason why he disappeared If there's not a legit reason, I'll wait until I know that for sure before I bitch him out.

 

The bolded is the real problem here, and what is clouding your ability to see that either you have definitely been ghosted or he's lying in a ditch somewhere. Odds are about 1,000,000:1 for those circumstances. The odds that his phone is broken and he just can't figure out how to reach you are nil. As olivetree pointed out, there are countless ways to reach you in that circumstance.

[winny]

@OP: How are you feeling this morning? Hope you are eating and taking care of yourself the best you can. If you are staying home then please watch some good positive movies/videos and listen to happy music.

 

 

I wouldn't suggest you to start thinking about getting back with ex immediately... its not fair to him. You kept him on backburner coz this guy was paying you attention and now since he is missing you want to go to the ex. That's not a good thing to make someone your second option and keep them hanging and stringing along.

 

 

Spend some alone time... all by yourself... no guys n dating...

[Versacehottie]

Olivetree--- All valid points, and I know. I guess there's nothing I can do. And then he'll reappear anyways and the cycle will start again.

 

 

Versacehottie--- I know the Tinder things is stupid. Honestly, I've had a few boyfriends and never taken mine down, just turned it off so new people couldn't see me, at least if I'm single again and need to use it I know who I've matched with, haha. I thought we were solid. It's amazing how wrong I was.

 

Yeah, the keeping tinder thing up is stupid to me (sorry). I mean, exchange email addresses. Basically if you can't reach your almost bf/bf via text or phone, it usually boils down to that they don't want to talk to you (general you) or it's not a priority to him at this moment. I think the little tiff might have been bigger than you perceived it to be & got him to rethink the whole thing. (even if it was just a tiny misunderstanding about scheduling). Also you said he's so busy with 3 jobs, etc and was grumpy that am. Sometimes I think people rush in and then take a very real look of how something (a new relationship) is going to fit into their life and decide it won't as much as they are having fun with someone. There are mixed opinions about the uses and purposes of tinder but I would say if we just go with the generalized one (safest bet for this analysis) that most people go on it when they are NOT wanting a serious relationship, much like yourself. Maybe when he was suddenly finding himself IN one, he was able to take a step back and realize that wasn't his intention all along?

 

Hope I'm wrong and his phone just broke & lost all his contacts. That did happen to me once but I was back on the grid in less than 12 hours, as have most of the people in my life have been when their phones "break". The other times when my phone has been a little whacked out, it never prevented me from talking to anyone but I have used it as an excuse to stall turning hours into days. I think everyone just accepts that it's an exaggeration, where something may slightly be wrong with the phone, things get a little more hectic because of that but talking with xyz person wasn't a priority so you didn't get back to them. good luck

[Gaeta]

Gaeta---He left my place Thursday afternoon, today is Monday. I was trying to give it another day or two but I suppose there's no point. But I do care about looking crazy or clingy which is why I never chase anyone or freak out too much on someone. I do still want to date him if there is a legit reason why he disappeared If there's not a legit reason, I'll wait until I know that for sure before I bitch him out.

 

So it's only been 4 days now.

 

Give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Like I said at 1 month dating my bf broke his phone and it took him 4-5 days to get a new one. He had a European phone and there was a whole issue around this that's why it took so long. At 1 month he could not really remember my last name, we had not exchanged email, and he is not on any social media.

 

When we spoke again he told me each day he hoped was the day his phone problem would be solved but it delayed, he said if it had delayed more he would have taken a chance and leave a note on my door or knock if he saw my car.

 

Of course I accused him of not trying hard enough to reach me but that was my vision of things, he had his own visions of things. To him 4-5 days was not such a big deal and he never thought I'd worry and in his mind everything would be ok because he would explain to me what happened.

 

I had a thread 50 pages long of people telling me he had ghosted. We have been dating 1 year now. Since that event he never left me a day without news.

Edited January 9, 2017 by Gaeta

[olivetree]

So it's only been 4 days now.

 

Give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Like I said at 1 month dating my bf broke his phone and it took him 4-5 days to get a new one. He had a European phone and there was a whole issue around this that's why it took so long. At 1 month he could not really remember my last name, we had not exchanged email, and he is not on any social media.

 

When we spoke again he told me each day he hoped was the day his phone problem would be solved but it delayed, he said if it had delayed more he would have taken a chance and leave a note on my door or knock if he saw my car.

 

Of course I accused him of not trying hard enough to reach me but that was my vision of things, he had his own visions of things. To him 4-5 days was not such a big deal and he never thought I'd worry and in his mind everything would be ok because he would explain to me why.

 

I had a thread 50 pages long of people telling me he had ghosted. We have been dating 1 year now.

 

I think you are comparing two different situations.

 

OP has been dating this guy hot and heavily for 2 months, seeing each other all the time and being in constant contact.

They are at a different level of comfort than you and your bf were at 1 month.

Showing up at your door seemed like too much in your situation.

That is not the case here, and he has other ways to contact her.

 

OP, if this guy comes around, he is just going to use the excuse that his phone was broken.

I hope you don't accept that as a valid excuse for not getting in touch.

 

I also agree that you should not be turning to the next guy in line and should take a breather.

[bulldog9]

Introverted1---I know. Was just trying to give him benefit of the doubt initially. Though there aren't really any other ways to reach me, but in any case, 3 days is too long to have not heard from him.

 

Milly---Not feeling well, can't focus on anything. As for the ex, when we dated a few months ago it was a long-distance thing but he is moving here in a few months, but he wanted me to come visit him in the next week or two, he has been trying to get back together with me for a while and I adore him and DO see him as long term potential, but Ghoster blew my mind and I ended up just putting long distance guy on back burner, though still talking to him every day but not making any plans to reunite. Funny (well, not funny actually) story about Long Distance guy---- when we broke up, it was via phone/text because we're on separate coasts (he's in Vancouver)...we said let's think it over, and then we still texted a few times and then suddenly I heard nothing. I thought he ghosted me so I moved on and just thought he was a jerk. Well, a few weeks later, I suddenly hear from him, and he was like 'I know you probably hate me since you won't respond to all my messages but I am coming there in a few weeks and wanted to see if you would at least meet up with me to talk'. It turns out, he kept messaging me but for some reason I never got his texts! He showed me screenshots of the whole thread. So he didn't actually ghost, he thought I was ignoring him and hated him so didn't bother contacting me after a bunch of messages that went unanswered. He replaced his phone shortly after that and texts didn't go missing again. Point is, yes, ghosting is usually just that, but sometimes (probably rarely), it might not be as clear-cut ghosting as it seems.

[winny]

I think you are comparing two different situations.

 

OP has been dating this guy hot and heavily for 2 months, seeing each other all the time and being in constant contact.

They are at a different level of comfort than you and your bf were at 1 month.

Showing up at your door seemed like too much in your situation.

That is not the case here, and he has other ways to contact her.

 

OP, if this guy comes around, he is just going to use the excuse that his phone was broken.

I hope you don't accept that as a valid excuse for not getting in touch.

 

I also agree that you should not be turning to the next guy in line and should take a breather.

 

 

Agree, they know each other much more to at least inform the other if due to some reason they cant be in touch for few days.

[introverted1]

Introverted1---I know. Was just trying to give him benefit of the doubt initially. Though there aren't really any other ways to reach me, but in any case, 3 days is too long to have not heard from him.

 

There are SEVERAL ways to reach you.

 

1. He added you on Facebook. He could message you there.

2. He could come to your house (leave a note if you're not home).

3. He could access Tinder via desktop app or a friend's phone and message you there.

4. ... You get the idea.

[winny]

Introverted1---I know. Was just trying to give him benefit of the doubt initially. Though there aren't really any other ways to reach me, but in any case, 3 days is too long to have not heard from him.

 

Milly---Not feeling well, can't focus on anything. As for the ex, when we dated a few months ago it was a long-distance thing but he is moving here in a few months, but he wanted me to come visit him in the next week or two, he has been trying to get back together with me for a while and I adore him and DO see him as long term potential, but Ghoster blew my mind and I ended up just putting long distance guy on back burner, though still talking to him every day but not making any plans to reunite. Funny (well, not funny actually) story about Long Distance guy---- when we broke up, it was via phone/text because we're on separate coasts (he's in Vancouver)...we said let's think it over, and then we still texted a few times and then suddenly I heard nothing. I thought he ghosted me so I moved on and just thought he was a jerk. Well, a few weeks later, I suddenly hear from him, and he was like 'I know you probably hate me since you won't respond to all my messages but I am coming there in a few weeks and wanted to see if you would at least meet up with me to talk'. It turns out, he kept messaging me but for some reason I never got his texts! He showed me screenshots of the whole thread. So he didn't actually ghost, he thought I was ignoring him and hated him so didn't bother contacting me after a bunch of messages that went unanswered. He replaced his phone shortly after that and texts didn't go missing again. Point is, yes, ghosting is usually just that, but sometimes (probably rarely), it might not be as clear-cut ghosting as it seems.

 

 

Why didn't he just call you then?

Anyways, its a whole bunch of karma happening here... you cannot hope to be happy and have everything going perfectly well in your life...when you are giving someone hope while being involved with a new guy... you wanted the cake and eat it too (have fun with new guy and then have look for LTR with your ex)... that rarely happens.

[introverted1]

Point is, yes, ghosting is usually just that, but sometimes (probably rarely), it might not be as clear-cut ghosting as it seems.

 

If he is actually sick or hurt, you calling one of his jobs or showing up would not be a big deal! In fact, not doing so is the weird thing if you actually believe something happened to him.

 

So...

 

EITHER

he's fine, in which case there is no excuse for him not contacting you

OR

He is not fine, in which case there is no excuse for you not calling his work or going to his house

[Versacehottie]

There are SEVERAL ways to reach you.

 

1. He added you on Facebook. He could message you there.

2. He could come to your house (leave a note if you're not home).

3. He could access Tinder via desktop app or a friend's phone and message you there.

4. ... You get the idea.

 

Also, when it happened to me, I just got a copy of my cell bill immediately (i was traveling even) and then was able to access all the phone numbers of people I call & text regularly. Like if you've been that important to me over the last 30 days you will be on my cell bill....

[bulldog9]

Versacehottie---Maybe you are right and the tiff was a bigger deal than I thought, but it seemed so insignificant. He keeps complaining about his job(s), and a few hours prior to meeting up Weds was saying he felt bad about lack of time and was trying to find a way around work schedule to spend more time with me. As for Tinder itself, for years I used OKC but that got progressively worse over time and I eventually deleted it, I had more luck on Tinder and had several relationships come out of it, I rarely swipe for anyone, I'm not looking for a hookup, so if I do match with someone it's usually an ok guy looking for the same. I have never received any unwanted pics from anyone on Tinder, haha! But I am definitely thinking maybe he felt like he didn't have time for relationship, though he was the one pushing it the whole time.

 

Gaeta--- 4 days is nothing, but when we usually talk about 10x a day, it feels like forever. But in guy time it might not seem like a big deal. Your message that everyone said he ghosted you but you have been dating a year now (thats super!!) at least gives me a little hope. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions just yet although it's not looking good.

 

Olivetree---Just to clarify, yes, it's been hot and heavy, but we don't see each other all the time, I have a hectic job and he works 3 jobs. We see each other 2x a week usually. And there weren't other ways to contact me besides phone. As for jumping into anything, I will give it a little time but honestly I find the best way to move on is to just really move on and meet someone else, otherwise I'm just going to be thinking about the Ghoster (assuming thats what he is) because I adore him, and will drive myself crazy.

[olivetree]

Olivetree---Just to clarify, yes, it's been hot and heavy, but we don't see each other all the time, I have a hectic job and he works 3 jobs. We see each other 2x a week usually. And there weren't other ways to contact me besides phone. As for jumping into anything, I will give it a little time but honestly I find the best way to move on is to just really move on and meet someone else, otherwise I'm just going to be thinking about the Ghoster (assuming thats what he is) because I adore him, and will drive myself crazy.

 

Even seeing each other twice a week, if you talked all day every day and he was crazy about you, he would find a way to contact you so that you wouldn't worry or think he'd lost interest.

 

Re: the bolded part, I am confused why you keep the only way he can contact you is by phone.

There are many ways to contact you that have been pointed out.

 

I think it would be helpful for you to get to the anger stage, when you realize he isn't as great as you thought he was and you can do a lot better!

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps an ex returned. Heck, maybe his ex-wife has suddenly resurfaced.

 

If you're worried something has actually happened to him, why not stop by the bar where he works? Or get a friend he doesn't know to pop in and confirm if he's there, alive and well? Then at least you will know he's fine, physically-speaking.

 

As others have pointed out, you don't really know someone at only 2 months in. You might spend a lot of time together, but it's simply not enough time for the true person to have emerged. We all reveal different layers of ourselves over time, it's human nature. Maybe he is very much the type of guy to ghost. As he is new to your city, you don't really have any mutual friends to confirm he's not, correct?

 

I feel for you, I know how awful that anxious feeling is. I would personally try to at least verify he's safe, and then if he is, make my exit. There are other ways he could reach you if he wanted to reassure you, and if he's fine and choosing not to do so, it's time to part ways.

Edited January 9, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If the guy you have been seeing is still on a dating app, my guess would be that he matched with someone else, and now focusing all is free time on her.

 

If it doesn't work out, he will come back to you with some lame excuse about his phone being broken. If it does, you won't hear from him until they breakup or he starts to get bored. The excuse will probably be something pathetic like, "I was scared of how strong my feelings were getting" etc..

 

Either way, it has backup written all over it, which is why I think some people ghost. They don't want to shut a door on the off chance they change their mind.

 

This is only a cynical theory, but it is worth considering nonetheless.

 

If I was in this position, I would want to rip the band-aide off and at least clarify that he is alive. Then you can decide whether you want to confront or just move on.

 

I'm sorry you are in this position.