winny Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 If I have to take a guess, I would probably agree to what Scarlet said. He is putting his attention somewhere else right now... what is that we can only guess: An ex A new flame On himself - taking a break from you Family - some emergency and he is out of town OR He is just seeing how much he can yank your chain... how much you will put up with... if he comes back and you believe his stories and take him back then he will make this a regular habit, come and go as he wishes. And with time you will adapt yourself to expect less and less, he will throw you some crumbs sometimes to keep you attached. It isn't looking good at all at this point. Like I said, he will come back and how you handle that situation is what you should be thinking right now.
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 He is just seeing how much he can yank your chain... how much you will put up with... if he comes back and you believe his stories and take him back then he will make this a regular habit, come and go as he wishes. And with time you will adapt yourself to expect less and less, he will throw you some crumbs sometimes to keep you attached.. hhmmm you give way too much credit to men in general lol. Men aren't that cerebral (sorry guys). They live much more in the moment than us women that's why it's easy for them to lose track of time. What ever his problem is, it's a simple one. * Lost phone * Lost interest It's one or the other. I doubt he's home concocting some evil plan to better control her in the future. Lets not lose track that we're a bunch of women trying to figure out what's in this man's mind. It's much simpler than we think. Men = Me hungry, me tired, me want sex, me tired of new gf. 5
winny Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 When I broke my phone and was without one for a week, the first thing I did was get on Facebook and message all the people close to me that my phone is broken and so they can reach me on Facebook in the mean time. For anything urgent I gave them a friend's number to text or call me on. When I am terribly sick also or have some exams and know that I cannot return texts, emails and voice mails on time - I send out one text or email either myself or ask a friend to do it on my behalf... that I am going to be off or away for 5 days due to this reason - to family, friends, colleagues, the people who I know would look for me. And I remember when my Dad had a family emergency (death), even then he made calls to his boss and few close friends and informed them before going away. These are normal actions of normal people.
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 When I broke my phone and was without one for a week, the first thing I did was get on Facebook and message all the people close to me that my phone is broken and so they can reach me on Facebook in the mean time. For anything urgent I gave them a friend's number to text or call me on. When I am terribly sick also or have some exams and know that I cannot return texts, emails and voice mails on time - I send out one text or email either myself or ask a friend to do it on my behalf... that I am going to be off or away for 5 days due to this reason - to family, friends, colleagues, the people who I know would look for me. This is a dangerous way of thinking in a relationship. When I am sick I want to be pampered and BF wants to be left alone. When I concentrate on something I want to be alone and when he works on something he wants me by his side. His idea of an emergency it's being at the hospital on a respiratory machine, my idea of an emergency is a yellow light flashing on my dash board. You cannot implied because you do something and you handle things a certain way that it's the right way or it's how all people do.
winny Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 This is a dangerous way of thinking in a relationship. When I am sick I want to be pampered and BF wants to be left alone. When I concentrate on something I want to be alone and when he works on something he wants me by his side. His idea of an emergency it's being at the hospital on a respiratory machine, my idea of an emergency is a yellow light flashing on my dash board. You cannot implied because you do something and you handle things a certain way that it's the right way or it's how all people do. Your examples are different from what I am talking about. I am talking about the matter of keeping people close to you aware of your whereabouts. If you cant do that much... am sorry... I don't think you are that great anyways. I just think reliability is a huge thing. And says a lot about someone's character. It is also a very minimum requirement for any job you do.
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Your examples are different from what I am talking about. I am talking about the matter of keeping people close to you aware of your whereabouts. If you cant do that much... am sorry... I don't think you are that great anyways. I just think reliability is a huge thing. And says a lot about someone's character. It is also a very minimum requirement for any job you do. What I was trying to say is while it might be a big deal to you (and I) to not have our phones for a couple of days, it may be a no-big-deal to a lot of people. You think: I am gonna warn all my contacts I am out of phone He thinks: No big deal when I get my new phone in a couple of days I'll talk to people I agree 100% there is no more reliability nowadays. None. Ghosting has become the norm, and each time people encourage a woman to not say anything about a ghosting incident we encourage men doing this and we indirectly send them the signal it's ok to ghost us. I met close to 200 men online and I have NEVER once ghosted one of them.
Author bulldog9 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Posted January 9, 2017 Olivetree---We don't have each other's email addresses, he never uses FB, don't know what other ways to get in contact there would be. Expatinitaly--- no exes returned, he hates his ex wife, hasn't been involved with anyone since he moved here because of work. I won't go to the bar, or anywhere else. Nope, no mutual friends, the only people he even knows here are people from work, gym and me, that's it. He has no social life because he's always working, he also doesn't drink so he doesn't go to bars if he has a night off. Scarlett O'Hara--- Hasn't met anyone, the guy has no time to do anything, every holiday, every day off the past 2 months he is accounted for, he's been with me. Yes first and foremost I want to make sure he's alive before I go freaking out on him. Winny--- I don't feel like it's any of those things, maybe time for himself, but the only logical possibility there is focusing on work, but not really. He's just stuck with it and has no time to do anything and maybe trying to maintain things with me was stressing him out because of lack of time. I don't think he's testing me or planning how he can manipulate me. Guys don't think that way, one thing at a time with them! Gaeta--- I agree, haha. Giving too much credit to the way men think!
Author bulldog9 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Posted January 9, 2017 Just a little update---I blocked my number and tried calling his cell once earlier today, and then just now. No answer either time.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Olivetree---We don't have each other's email addresses, he never uses FB, don't know what other ways to get in contact there would be. Expatinitaly--- no exes returned, he hates his ex wife, hasn't been involved with anyone since he moved here because of work. I won't go to the bar, or anywhere else. Nope, no mutual friends, the only people he even knows here are people from work, gym and me, that's it. He has no social life because he's always working, he also doesn't drink so he doesn't go to bars if he has a night off. Scarlett O'Hara--- Hasn't met anyone, the guy has no time to do anything, every holiday, every day off the past 2 months he is accounted for, he's been with me. Yes first and foremost I want to make sure he's alive before I go freaking out on him. Winny--- I don't feel like it's any of those things, maybe time for himself, but the only logical possibility there is focusing on work, but not really. He's just stuck with it and has no time to do anything and maybe trying to maintain things with me was stressing him out because of lack of time. I don't think he's testing me or planning how he can manipulate me. Guys don't think that way, one thing at a time with them! Gaeta--- I agree, haha. Giving too much credit to the way men think! I meant maybe somebody has resurfaced in the period he's been out of touch, or just prior to. You very likely wouldn't know if they had, given that he has been MIA. If you won't go to the bar yourself (and I understand your reasons) that's why I suggested asking a friend of yours to drop in just to see if he is actually there. If you want to make sure he is alive and well, I can't see why you would't do so. It would be enough to put my mind at ease that at least he's not in trouble. Then again, I have actually experienced the worst case scenario and am more sensitive and anxious when someone I care about seemingly goes incommunicado. That is projection on my part, I realize, but if I were in your shoes, that is what I would do. Not sure what more to suggest.
heavenonearth Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Olivetree---We don't have each other's email addresses, he never uses FB, don't know what other ways to get in contact there would be. Just because he never uses FB doesn't mean he can't make use of it to contact you in case of a broken phone.
olivetree Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Olivetree---We don't have each other's email addresses, he never uses FB, don't know what other ways to get in contact there would be. Hate to quote myself, but here you go again: You said he friended you on fb but doesn't use his account. That wouldn't stop someone who actually cared from logging into his fb account and contacting you. He could download Tinder for desktop and message you. He could borrow a friend's phone and log into his account. He could miss a training session and show up at your place. Etc. In regards to your latest update, he probably knows it's you calling him from a blocked number. Also, many people also do not pick up calls from blocked numbers. I really think you need to let him go. You will feel much better than continuing to find answers from him. 4
lana-banana Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 (edited) Expatinitaly--- no exes returned, he hates his ex wife, hasn't been involved with anyone since he moved here because of work. I won't go to the bar, or anywhere else. Nope, no mutual friends, the only people he even knows here are people from work, gym and me, that's it. He has no social life because he's always working, he also doesn't drink so he doesn't go to bars if he has a night off. Scarlett O'Hara--- Hasn't met anyone, the guy has no time to do anything, every holiday, every day off the past 2 months he is accounted for, he's been with me No mutual friends, no social circle you know at all, but spends all of his spare time with you only to disappear completely? How can you be this naive? All of these things independently aren't such a big deal but together they point to him being married, committed, or otherwise tied down. Work is not an excuse. I know pediatric surgeons who can meet friends for a drink every now and again. There's a reason why he's compartmentalizing his life this way. Occam's razor is real. If he's treating you like a dirty little secret it's because you are. Edited January 9, 2017 by lana-banana 1
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 No mutual friends, no social circle you know at all, but spends all of his spare time with you only to disappear completely? How can you be this naive? All of these things independently aren't such a big deal but together they point to him being married, committed, or otherwise tied down. Work is not an excuse. I know pediatric surgeons who can meet friends for a drink every now and again. There's a reason why he's compartmentalizing his life this way. Occam's razor is real. If he's treating you like a dirty little secret it's because you are. You are being really hard on her. Most couples don't start introducing friends and family before 3rd month dating. He works 3 jobs and she knows where, she can account for his time. He may have decided to disappear but I doubt he's married with twins on the way. That is usually from men you can hardly have dates with not someone you spend all your free time with. Bulldog, that is why I suggested you call from a public phone so it doesn't show a blocked number. Ask for a friend to call and to not block her-his number. If he reply they just need to say wrong number.
hippychick3 Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 You are being really hard on her. Most couples don't start introducing friends and family before 3rd month dating. He works 3 jobs and she knows where, she can account for his time. He may have decided to disappear but I doubt he's married with twins on the way. That is usually from men you can hardly have dates with not someone you spend all your free time with. Bulldog, that is why I suggested you call from a public phone so it doesn't show a blocked number. Ask for a friend to call and to not block her-his number. If he reply they just need to say wrong number. Unless this guy really only works one job and uses the other 2 to cover for his time with other GF/wife....hmmmmm.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Hasn't met anyone, the guy has no time to do anything, every holiday, every day off the past 2 months he is accounted for, he's been with me. Yes first and foremost I want to make sure he's alive before I go freaking out on him. Can you be certain of this? You said that he is still on a dating app, and also say that he would message you while he was at work. Both could explain how he could meet someone else. You can't account his whereabouts since Wednesday, so what I am suggesting is that he may not have met in person until very recently, but could have been chatting for longer. If he doesn't have much spare time, this could account for his silence. I'm not saying this is the only explanation, but this has been such a drastic shift in behavior that it should be considered. To be honest, I wouldn't bother freaking out on a guy like this. I would want to know for my own peace of mind that he was alive, ie: checking he is at work, then I would block his number and never speak to him again. This behavior is so cruel and heartless. They would be instant deal breakers in my book.
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 Bulldog....do keep us up to date about what happens.
Author bulldog9 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Posted January 9, 2017 ExpatinItaly--- Don't know who resurfaced considering he hasn't dated anyone in this city, and hasn't been home in 6 months and hasn't a single free day to see anyone. They would have had to resurface the minute he left my place because night before he's wanting to spend more time with me, and then normally he would text after he text a few hours after seeing me. I thought about having a male friend try calling the bar but that's last resort if I don't hear from him by midweek. Olivetree---A weird out of-town number I definitely wouldn't answer because it's always an annoying telemarketer, but a private number could be something important, maybe he would answer. But who knows. I doubt he would think it's me because I haven't even contacted him in over 2 days. Lana-Banana---There's no way we could have mutual friends geographically or otherwise, his friends are mostly back home except a few guys here who he has told me about, all of which train with him. He has called his mother from my apt and she knows about me, his friends know about me. He's not tied down to anything, any free time he has he sees me. He got divorced a year ago, moved here a few months ago, has been working 3 jobs. He actually almost always tells me where he's at, he likes to give me the play by play of his day as its happening. This was definitely not a guy that was hiding what he's doing, far from it. Not being naive at all, I know more about his day than any other guy I've ever dated. Maybe he likes details or think it's interesting to tell me where he'd headed to next (it's not, but who knows). He also while we were out opened up his texts while we were out the other night telling a buddy from home where we were at, and we were up against each other so I could see phone and all the threads that were visible were all guys' names. And his Mom.
Aesc Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this or not, but try calling him from a different number, use a different phone and see if he picks up or if it goes to voicemail. Lakerman34--- So glad to get a guy's opinion on this. I was leaning towards a simple text just saying I don't know if you don't want to see me anymore, or something happened to your phone, or something happened to you, but please if you can see this text just let me know you are ok. I am really worried something happened to you. If he does respond, then I know he wants to end things, but if he doesn't respond, I'm still left not knowing if something happened and it's so frustrating. Gaeta---Yes, I might try to block my number and call, just don't know when to do it, since I can't really do it when he is at work, on subway (long commute each way), or training. Basically early morning or very late night are only options.
Aesc Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 If you know where he works, then you should have no problem tracking him down. You could be discreet about it and show up at his places of work at the appropriate times. Or just look for his car if he has a car and you know what his car looks like. Smackie9--- He just moved here a few months ago and works 3 jobs because it's super expensive here (it's 3 jobs that don't pay a lot either).. Nope, not lying about where he works, he texts me from work all the time, I know all the places, he legit works at all 3. I should add that I am 5 years older than him, so there is definitely an age difference, and I never date younger, but with him it hasn't mattered. And I did think initially this would just be a 'fun' thing, not an actual relationship. He brought up being exclusive early on, he was always more into this than me but I really started feeling something last week or two. Popsicle---I don't know, I hope I do, I'm really sad thinking about how it would be if this is over.
Author bulldog9 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Posted January 10, 2017 Gaeta--- I agree 100% with you Some difficult accusations being thrown around. If this wasn't me I heard about this happening to someone else I would be hard on them too and think the same thing, wake up girl. But, all these suggestions of him having another girl around aren't even remotely possible, like at all. This guy moved here to pursue his dream, and he is struggling with how expensive it is which is why he is working 3 jobs that suck up 18 hours of his day, 6 days a week. This guy logistically just doesn't have the time whatsoever, he barely has time to sleep! I don't think either of us initially thought this would turn into something. I would never introduce someone I am dating to friends until after about 3 months. And I know all the details of what his jobs are and where, he constantly sends me pics from work if its slow or whatever. He is always texting me, whether I respond or not! He wasn't hiding anything (like most other guys I meet probably are). Hippychick3---Nope and nope. If he had a wife she'd throw him out by now since he is always on the phone with me ScarlettOhara---I am 1000% certain. Yes, I just want to make sure he is alive and ok before I flip out or ignore him or talk things over or whatever. BlueRidgeMT--- Will do!
olivetree Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Olivetree---A weird out of-town number I definitely wouldn't answer because it's always an annoying telemarketer, but a private number could be something important, maybe he would answer. But who knows. I doubt he would think it's me because I haven't even contacted him in over 2 days. If I had dropped off the face of the earth from the guy I was dating and I received a blocked call or a weird number, I would definitely suspect it was him calling from his own phone or a friend's phone and I would let it go to voicemail. There is also the possibility that he simply missed the call. Either way, he is not getting in touch with you. If it was a month since you'd contacted him, I could see your point. For whatever reason, he just isn't interested anymore. I hope you don't contact him again. I know it's hard to see it because you are crazy about him and days ago he seemed to be that way about you too. But he now obviously REALLY doesn't want any contact from you. I think him talking about trying to see you more before ghosting was a cover for how he was really feeling. People do and say the strangest things before they ghost/dump you. Sometimes they profess their undying love a day before they say it's over. It's like they are trying to convince themselves they feel this way or are trying to assuage their guilt. 2
Aesc Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Can you be certain of this? You said that he is still on a dating app, and also say that he would message you while he was at work. Both could explain how he could meet someone else. You can't account his whereabouts since Wednesday, so what I am suggesting is that he may not have met in person until very recently, but could have been chatting for longer. If he doesn't have much spare time, this could account for his silence. I'm not saying this is the only explanation, but this has been such a drastic shift in behavior that it should be considered. To be honest, I wouldn't bother freaking out on a guy like this. I would want to know for my own peace of mind that he was alive, ie: checking he is at work, then I would block his number and never speak to him again. This behavior is so cruel and heartless. They would be instant deal breakers in my book. Guys can get overwhelmed, become afraid too. 1
Dis Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 bull you keep saying, he didnt get back together with his wife, he didnt meet anyone new, he doesnt have any free time, he has no other way of contacting me.... etc etc etc Girl! You've known him for 2 months! Frankly, you dont know much of anything about him He's on tinder for god's sake. He couldve easily met someone new off there, and you dont know what couldve happened with his ex-wife, he also couldve had a change in schedule that gives him more free time (to meet other women) And for the last time, yes...he HAS other ways of contacting you, which others have pointed out here several times (i.e. Old school.. knocking on your door) I have to agree with lana, you're being very naive I know you're hurting, I'm not minimizing that....what I'm saying is you're naivety will only serve to hurt you...not just with this guy but with other guys in the future. Having a realistic approach will help guide you at this moment and also down the road If I were you, I'd block his number and consider it done. That way you take your power back and you are no longer tortured wondering about what you think may have happened. And if something actually did happen to him (which I doubt it did) he knows where to find you (i.e knocking on your door) 7
Dis Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 I am 1000% certain You are certain of NOTHING You've known him for 2 months Spouses of 20 years are certain of nothing in some cases 5
Author bulldog9 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Posted January 10, 2017 "I think him talking about trying to see you more before ghosting was a cover for how he was really feeling. People do and say the strangest things before they ghost/dump you. Sometimes they profess their undying love a day before they say it's over. It's like they are trying to convince themselves they feel this way or are trying to assuage their guilt." Olivetree--- Yep, we had one of the most perfect nights ever and then he disappears. It's unreal Aesc----I am definitely thinking that could have happened, especially since his schedule is so bad. I never expected this to turn into anything, and it did rather quick (on his end). Disillusionment373---Yes, I am hurting substantially. He's told me a lot of stuff about the ex-wife, he despises her, that's part of the reason he moved here. And I do know about his free time because he texts so much I have never not known where he was until the past 3 days. No change in his schedule either, this has been a big issue with him. Also, we live in NYC, so unless I am in my building to let him in during the small window he would not be working, which I wouldn't be because I would be working, he can't just come knock on my door. I realize I probably sound naive, believe me, I'm not. I have been dating in NYC for many years and you get hardened up real fast and used to people being like this, and always have your guard up. Of the last 10 guys I've casually/seriously dated, I would know right away if any of them pulled this, that they were ghosting, and move along as I usually do if this happens. But this time, I don't know what to say, it's just different. And blocking him would be no good because how would I ever know what happened.
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