Is anything going on

[Jersey born raised]

DID YOU SAVE A COPY OF HER JOURNAL???

 

It might still be a good idea to hire PA. Why, the cheater script. Here is her response: it was all fiction. I was just trying to get in touch with my inner seif. I would never cheat !!!

 

Don't believe me check out dumbest thing they said thead.

[tinkerbell16]

Thank you all. I like and value all the responses, for now please spare me from clicking "like" under each of them. Some of the suggestions felt smewhat freaky (like having unprotected sex, right now I wouldn't touch her even if she was a last female on earth). I realise though they come from experience and best intent and may become applicable later.

 

And yeah more good news - as someone posted I'm not f...g paranoid.

 

PI (who obviously got more info from me inn our one on one), suggested me to cover some basics before he's able to start working my case. Guess he regrets it now (lost couple of grands in earnings). I did my homework, found her online diary (shadow one of sorts) and the first random glimpse left little to be misinterpreted.

 

I still haven't checked all of it, honestly I look at it like at armed land mine. But sooner or later I will. I'm not coming home as I'll likely to do something I'll regret later.

 

Left her message I'm going on business, think she's starting to figure out something is wrong.

 

It's a dreaded task but also get STD tested. It's not fun... (believe me sitting in our mutual doctors office and being asked why I am getting tested and having to reply my husband has been cheating ugh)... but it brought me peace of mind.

 

Keep calm and head some good advice here about finances. She is no longer your partner and will turn the instant she is discovered into your enemy.

 

If she has been planning to leave she may have already started chipping at your assets secretly.

 

She is no longer able to be trusted.

 

That was a really hard thing for me once I discovered his cheating... realizing the man who protected me for 25 plus years was no longer there... replaced by an alien in his body. Out for himself only. Throwing hurt and blame where it wasn't earned or due.

 

Be ready... all of our stories are similar... they all do it.

 

Don't let her make you doubt your worth, your value or your strength (not literal).

 

Don't allow her to rewrite history (they all try this to assuage their guilt).

 

Keep your head straight and stay calm. You have likely already lost her so focus on your kids and yourself. That's all that matters now...

 

Ps if she left a digital diary she probably wanted to get caught indicating it's likely an exit affair. Trying to save the marriage if you wanted to is probably not possible if this is the case.

 

So sorry Drone

Edited December 6, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[Drone117]

Assuming your story is similar to mine (sorry haven't checked it), I'm sorry and your response is really good, I thank you for it, so are others. I'll use yours to respond.

 

Yes I have saved the copies, so I can read them later. I had limited time to access the diary and just saved all as pdf. Based on the only paragraph I had courage to read, Im certain that. it is full scale and ongoing not some emotional lovey dovey or drunken one night mistake that she's regretting. Shes not. I don't know who/what is he, what are her plans, why she did it, for how long. I'll have to read the rest. I accept what you saying about the exit affair. But she's never shown even a hint she's unhappy and the diary was well protected and hidden. So maybe it was exit, maybe not. WTF? Time will tell. After what I've seen there not only std test sounds like a good idea, I really want to bath myself in chemicals. If she'd wanted to save three marriage she wouldn't have done it. So what's the f..g point of calling me now?

 

My mind is not switched to deal with lawyers and counselling now, but I accept I'll have to force myself into it. For now I need to read the diary, and think how to deal with the kid. I'm not ready to see her or hear from her.

 

If that's what you and others had to go through in your time,, I'm truly sorry, that's not fun at all.

 

 

 

 

It's a dreaded task but also get STD tested. It's not fun... (believe me sitting in our mutual doctors office and being asked why I am getting tested and having to reply my husband has been cheating ugh)... but it brought me peace of mind.

 

Keep calm and head some good advice here about finances. She is no longer your partner and will turn the instant she is discovered into your enemy.

 

If she has been planning to leave she may have already started chipping at your assets secretly.

 

She is no longer able to be trusted.

 

That was a really hard thing for me once I discovered his cheating... realizing the man who protected me for 25 plus years was no longer there... replaced by an alien in his body. Out for himself only. Throwing hurt and blame where it wasn't earned or due.

 

Be ready... all of our stories are similar... they all do it.

 

Don't let her make you doubt your worth, your value or your strength (not literal).

 

Don't allow her to rewrite history (they all try this to assuage their guilt).

 

Keep your head straight and stay calm. You have likely already lost her so focus on your kids and yourself. That's all that matters now...

 

Ps if she left a digital diary she probably wanted to get caught indicating it's likely an exit affair. Trying to save the marriage if you wanted to is probably not possible if this is the case.

 

So sorry Drone

[Jersey born raised]

Drone, Her choices define her and the OM only. Your reaction, and only your actions going forward, define you as a man. Think twice before acting, and do so boldly

[Poutrew]

The STD testing sounds like a *very* good idea. Also, given her ability to be so 'normal' while this is going on, perhaps a paternity test for the child would be in order as well... You really need to find out who the OM is. Given this seems to be happening on 'business trips', and how the people she works with seem to know all about it, I'd bet OM is her boss. This opens up a possibility for you. You can go after the company she works for. There are rules for fraternization for a reason. HR will instantly fire both of them, and depending on how serious they believe you are going to be about a lawsuit, they may settle out of court with a nice fat sum of coin to make you go away... at this point, I'd think to get what I can out of the mess she created. With the way she has fooled you all this time, you are under no obligation to be nice to her...Only, if you do decide to go after the company wait until the D is finalized so her not having a job wont affect alimony or other factors. At all times, even if you are raging inside, be outwardly cool and calm - don't give her that power over you. Do what is in your and your child's interest. Good luck.

[Noirek]

The STD testing sounds like a *very* good idea. Also, given her ability to be so 'normal' while this is going on, perhaps a paternity test for the child would be in order as well... You really need to find out who the OM is. Given this seems to be happening on 'business trips', and how the people she works with seem to know all about it, I'd bet OM is her boss. This opens up a possibility for you. You can go after the company she works for. There are rules for fraternization for a reason. HR will instantly fire both of them, and depending on how serious they believe you are going to be about a lawsuit, they may settle out of court with a nice fat sum of coin to make you go away... at this point, I'd think to get what I can out of the mess she created. With the way she has fooled you all this time, you are under no obligation to be nice to her...Only, if you do decide to go after the company wait until the D is finalized so her not having a job wont affect alimony or other factors. At all times, even if you are raging inside, be outwardly cool and calm - don't give her that power over you. Do what is in your and your child's interest. Good luck.

I have always wondered the advice of getting your ws fired. While the idea of justice may be nice if reconciliation is on the table even waiting until after can have quite the financial kickback. Now he is oversees so I have no idea of alimony laws but a lady I know recently got hers raised. And it was "settled" two years ago. And most places always consider child support and relook at it down the road if one spouse persues that. So having an unemployed ex with a bad rep is not ideal money wise.

 

And actually, he is under moral obligation to treat her still as the mother of his child... so civily. Just because someone throws away their moral compass doesn't mean the other person is somehow free to throw theirs off too. I mean, obviously we all have free will and can do whatever we want. But since his wife isn't here to be told to stop her actions and what not all we can do is encourage him to make healthy choices that will not harm his child or himself.

[tinkerbell16]

Assuming your story is similar to mine (sorry haven't checked it), I'm sorry and your response is really good, I thank you for it, so are others. I'll use yours to respond.

 

Yes I have saved the copies, so I can read them later. I had limited time to access the diary and just saved all as pdf. Based on the only paragraph I had courage to read, Im certain that. it is full scale and ongoing not some emotional lovey dovey or drunken one night mistake that she's regretting. Shes not. I don't know who/what is he, what are her plans, why she did it, for how long. I'll have to read the rest. I accept what you saying about the exit affair. But she's never shown even a hint she's unhappy and the diary was well protected and hidden. So maybe it was exit, maybe not. WTF? Time will tell. After what I've seen there not only std test sounds like a good idea, I really want to bath myself in chemicals. If she'd wanted to save three marriage she wouldn't have done it. So what's the f..g point of calling me now?

 

My mind is not switched to deal with lawyers and counselling now, but I accept I'll have to force myself into it. For now I need to read the diary, and think how to deal with the kid. I'm not ready to see her or hear from her.

 

If that's what you and others had to go through in your time,, I'm truly sorry, that's not fun at all.

 

You are in discovery phase... I remember it well. It is such a bizarre and painful time.

 

I remember waking up and going wow that was an awful dream then seeing his side of the bed empty (I kicked him.out after discovery) and realizing it was not a dream.

 

Very surreal.

 

Pace yourself in your tasks ahead. Don't push yourself too hard to do what needs to be done but don't be foolish either.

 

Protect yourself. Keep your anger in check so you do not mess up future child custody.

 

She will display all kinds of confusing signs.

 

Mine would treat me like I was the worst wife (justifying his cheating) then fall at my feet (literally) bawling and telling me he doesn't want a divorce... he can't live without me, how he would never love anyone like me.

 

They are a hot mess when their cake eating ends.

[usa1ah]

Hey Drone, have you told her that you know?

 

Part of your last post about her calling you.

[Drone117]

I haven't told her. Reading though the diary, completely paralyzed and WTFed. She's figured out I know at least something. Noirek, I have no clue what healthy choices I have at the moment rather then not getting jailed. Here comes proverbial knife in the guts feeling.

[drifter777]

My mind is not switched to deal with lawyers and counselling now, but I accept I'll have to force myself into it. For now I need to read the diary, and think how to deal with the kid. I'm not ready to see her or hear from her.

I understand what you are saying - it's all so overwhelming right now and you haven't even had d-day yet. Just keep it in mind for a little ways down the road.

 

I know you have to read her journal and I know it's going to be a horrible, traumatic experience. A trusted friend or a professional can be a big help getting you through all this so, again, keep it in mind.

 

Try not to obsess over certain disgusting passages in her journal. Read it through and then try to resist the temptation to go back and read it again. It's going to be ugly and hurtful - you know that - and if you go back and read it again it's not going to change. The disgusting details of her betrayal are not going to get better no matter how many times you read them.

[Drone117]

Looks like my messages don't appearn straight away but get moderated. Don't know why or how to resolve it. Limited stamina to try to fix this now.

 

This one did appear? Anyway. Reading her diary now. Completely paralyzed. She's figured out I know (perhaps not how much I know). Healthy choices for now, not getting jailed.

 

Mods, not sure what am idoing wrong but whatever. Ban me if you want while im finding this site very helpful.

Edited December 6, 2016 by Drone117

[Cephalopod]

Drone make sure you are taking care of yourself. This kind of shock can be horrible (been there done that) and the worst thing you can do is not take care of your health.

 

If you can't eat, get some protein shakes and electrolyte drinks to keep yourself hydrated and some food in you. If you have trouble sleeping, don't be afraid to go to the doc and tell him what is going on. He can give you a sleep aid.

 

Make sure you talk to somebody: a pastor, a priest, a good close friend who you can confide in. Don't keep this bottled up.

[Jersey born raised]

Drone,

 

Now is the time to step outside of yourself, take stock of the "what if" plans you have in place, the best advise you consider to be given here, take a vow not to be a martyr to prove you are a nice guy, chose a path and MOVE FORWARD.

 

Hesitation only causes you pain and loss. Take control of your life and your child's. Talk to family members, and close friends. You will be amazed at how many people been where you are at.

[Marc878]

Do not tell her what you have or how you know. I would stay silent. Her actions will tell you more about what you need to know for your future actions on how you want to handle this.

 

Sorry for what you found and what you are about to go through.

[drifter777]

Let me say this again - don't obsess over that damn diary. Read it, of course, but try not to keep going back and re-reading it. It will not change no matter how much you cry or how badly you want this all to be a nightmare that you can wake up from. I know, I've been where you are.

 

This is horrible to live through & it's going to hurt like hell. No way around it. You should not be alone right now - please go stay with a friend or relative for a night or two. You don't have to tell them what's going on - just that you need some help. You'll be surprised at how many people are willing to help.

[S2B]

Why do you say she knows that you know?

 

And what is she doing now - can you tell if she feels bad about it or is just trying to cover it up?

[Drone117]

Don't know about you, in our family it was usual for the husband to storm out, telling he's not coming home and go almost silent. Former family I'd guess. She texted she's so sorry.

 

Drifter777, perhaps you are right, bit it is too late. I cannot ever unread it. It's all in there.

[Cephalopod]

DO

 

NOT

 

LEAVE

 

YOUR

 

HOME.....

 

 

She cheated. She needs to leave.

[S2B]

If she's sorry she can get out now so you can go back to your home.

 

I notice she didn't say what she is sorry for...?

 

Go home! Let HER be displaced, not you!

 

Stand your ground - she did this and she can suffer being inconvenienced!

[usa1ah]

I would send back a text letting her know you found her diary. Then asked her to leave the house.

[turnera]

If you have kids, do NOT move out. Install cameras in the house, keep a VAR on you at all times. Make copies of everything. Shut out the bank accounts so she can't take it.

[Drone117]

Kind of hard to think rationally reading all this crap. Like she 'loves' me but finds him 'irresistible'. Does this forum had a smile icon for that?

[Marc878]

If her other man is married you should inform his wife. No warning!!!!

 

Let them deal with the fallout

[merrmeade]

Looks like my messages don't appearn straight away but get moderated. Don't know why or how to resolve it. Limited stamina to try to fix this now.

 

This one did appear? Anyway. Reading her diary now. Completely paralyzed. ....

Drone, it's probably something about your IP address rather than that you're being moderated. Happened to me recently. There's a thread explaining this phenomenon somewhere (URL given in the guidelines I think). You could also use the Alert button to ask. It's your thread

 

About feeling "paralyzed" - normal (for this abnormal). You're experiencing the discovery as a trauma. You're in shock. It's what happens. That's why everyone is trying to advise you about the basics - health, house, money, etc. - so you can act optimally. Be sure to sleep, eat and get exercise to be effective and clear-headed.

[Jersey born raised]

Remember: YOU DEFINE YOURSELF no one else. Read up on the 180 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce and become this person.

 

Your emotions are scattered read this to help clarify what she has done to you and the marriage http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know. I know it is directed at WS but discusses the range of emotions you are feeling.

 

Finally get back into the house!!! She cheats and gets rewarded with custody and then house ???? Hell no, she finds a new place to live on her own. Let OM step up and deal with her. Custody ??? You both work, she travels you don't explain to me WHAT she can do that you can't. Note I said CAN DO, not what you don't know how now or have not in the past.

 

You define you!!!