Is anything going on

[Drone117]

I like an idea of getting divorce. And if I ever feel like changing my mind, I'll have plenty of reading material to change it back.

 

After all a married woman doesn't spend months f..g a co-worker just to get back to the marriage, right?

[Jersey born raised]

DO NOT REVEAL SOURCES !!! Allude to a PI, or an email from her work, or suggest she be more careful about cleaning her undies before coming home.

 

Knowing her true thoughts going forward will help you decide what to do.

 

When you get access to PM please let me know. I have several posts saved to note pad many find helpful. I have been asked not to post them as there may be copy write issues posting them on a board. Two would help you understand what happened "what is a player" the other is "the genesis of work place adultery". I have additional one's for limerence and the other "the fog".

 

These are meant only to give you a sense of what the hell is going on with your spouse.

 

Again push for her out of the house, you with primary custody by working with a lawyer for guidance. Nothing will help you heal faster then being in YOUR HOME with YOUR CHILD. It can be done!

[Drone117]

I like that.

 

 

When my exH cheated I told him not to come home after his "business trip".

 

A few days later he announced he had a legal right to be home. I responded with "that's fine - and I will spend every single minute of every day making sure you are damn miserable if you move back in here - I need to feel safe at home and you don't make me feel safe." That was all he needed to hear to go rent an apartment.

 

Stand your ground and set up boundaries that are designed to help you feel safe and protected.

 

And remember, when you do talk to her...she's a bold faced liar and has been lying to you for a long time with no problem doing it. She will lie now too.

 

Don't agree to anything. You need time to process your thoughts and gather a plan - best to take time to decide.

 

Expose away. Consequences tend to get liars motivated to think about what they've done to the people they claim to love.

[Marc878]

Not giving up your source gives you an edge. You have the full story and she's adding to it. You tell her that insight goes away.

 

This edge will let you know what you're dealing with in real time. If she continues to lie, etc. play this smart. You have what many do not in this situation.

 

Filing doesn't mean it's final for a period of time but it does start the clock ticking and gives you more control over the situation. Exposure will have the same result. At least expose to the other mans wife.

 

Affairs rarely end at once. If they have any contact it will continue. Exposure is like throwing cold water on them. Affairs only work in secret and the dark. Plus you have two sets of eyes looking if you choose to try and reconcile.

[Noirek]

I like that.

 

Be very careful of the advice given here. Making your wife's life miserable will affect your kids. Yeah, she screwed up but work on being cool and distant. Unless you are afraid she will be violent you are perfectly safe with her in your house. But always put your kids first. And how you treat her, especially in front of them will affect them. If you need to scream vent and let it out find somewhere safe to do so and someone to do it to. Be careful how you treat her also for legal issues.

 

When this is all said and done, reconciliation or no, you will both be coparenting. She will never be out of your life. I'm sorry. It sucks.

[Drone117]

I agree with what your are suggesting and can't see any major discrepancies with what the other poster said. She is a mother off my kid and the reason I decided to stay away from home until now is exactly because I needed to control myself.

 

It is just I have realised (doh) the anount and duration of lies. Until literally now ir was all about hey being with another man. Now it's all "how was your day baby? Thanks boring otherwise good".

 

The only thing I'm not getting is the concept of being afraid???? to be under one roof with her and that she may be violent? Very foreign concept for me. I realise it's been given with best intentions and I thank you.

 

Be very careful of the advice given here. Making your wife's life miserable will affect your kids. Yeah, she screwed up but work on being cool and distant. Unless you are afraid she will be violent you are perfectly safe with her in your house. But always put your kids first. And how you treat her, especially in front of them will affect them. If you need to scream vent and let it out find somewhere safe to do so and someone to do it to. Be careful how you treat her also for legal issues.

 

When this is all said and done, reconciliation or no, you will both be coparenting. She will never be out of your life. I'm sorry. It sucks.

[Noirek]

I agree with what your are suggesting and can't see any major discrepancies with what the other poster said. She is a mother off my kid and the reason I decided to stay away from home until now is exactly because I needed to control myself.

 

It is just I have realised (doh) the anount and duration of lies. Until literally now ir was all about hey being with another man. Now it's all "how was your day baby? Thanks boring otherwise good".

 

The only thing I'm not getting is the concept of being afraid???? to be under one roof with her and that she may be violent? Very foreign concept for me. I realise it's been given with best intentions and I thank you.

 

The other poster mentioned making her spouse's life miserable to drive him from the home. For childfree couples an idea but with kids not so good. My advice was not to do that as it will affect them. the poster said she felt "unsafe" with her husband on the house. I think probably only females get away with saying that over non violent things and I was saying unless there is a real fear of safety you can't really use that line. I don't think you would be wrong to ask her to move out while you sort this if that is possible with the kids. Just realize she may say no.

 

You seem to be a thoughtful guy. One who does care for his kids. I'm sure you will do right by them. I wm sorry you have to watch this all play out by that journal. Has she ended the A?

[Drone117]

I see where are you coming from. I just didn't interpret that post in the same way. Kind of separating personal circumstances of a person and the advice I'm accepting (thanking the op for it). In other words being a man I find certain "lines" not applicable to me, like playing safety card. Once again I agree with you.

 

Your are also right that logically at last the kid is an absolute priority. Emotions have different agenda of course.

 

I don't know if she has ended the affair. Until recently the diary entries were all about the timlone, experience and feelings, then "omg he knows". Nothing like "I'm ending out", or " I'm leaving my husband for my love...". Or whatever the hell she could've written there. So I have no clue.

 

 

The other poster mentioned making her spouse's life miserable to drive him from the home. For childfree couples an idea but with kids not so good. My advice was not to do that as it will affect them. the poster said she felt "unsafe" with her husband on the house. I think probably only females get away with saying that over non violent things and I was saying unless there is a real fear of safety you can't really use that line. I don't think you would be wrong to ask her to move out while you sort this if that is possible with the kids. Just realize she may say no.

 

You seem to be a thoughtful guy. One who does care for his kids. I'm sure you will do right by them. I wm sorry you have to watch this all play out by that journal. Has she ended the A?

[doyathinkso]

Carry a concealed VAR on your person whenever you interact with her. It's your only defence when she brings the cops in charging you with domestic violence. Being locked up for a few days and then unable to return home because of a court ordered order of protection will complicate the hell out of your life and seriously weaken your divorce position.

[tinkerbell16]

I like an idea of getting divorce. And if I ever feel like changing my mind, I'll have plenty of reading material to change it back.

 

After all a married woman doesn't spend months f..g a co-worker just to get back to the marriage, right?

 

Drone, would staying married to someone who valued you so little make you happy?

Regardless of what she wants to do... you will be sacrificing so much of yourself to allow a cheated back in.

 

Whenever I used to feel all nastalgic and think my ex was a good man I would play the video he made for his lover... full of sexual innuendo and remember he is not worthy of my love.

[Steen719]

Drone, would staying married to someone who valued you so little make you happy?

Regardless of what she wants to do... you will be sacrificing so much of yourself to allow a cheated back in.

 

Whenever I used to feel all nastalgic and think my ex was a good man I would play the video he made for his lover... full of sexual innuendo and remember he is not worthy of my love.

 

Yep, I printed out the conversations and read them when I needed a swift kick - just to reiterate how sneaky and low-down he was as he was pushing me in front of that bus. It helped me. It may not help everyone, but it did help me. Eventually, I threw them away, but it helped when I needed it.

[S2B]

You can assume the affair is still ongoing - if it ended she would have written about an important event like that.

 

Have you considered exposing to the OM wife (assuming he is married)?

[Drone117]

Drone, would staying married to someone who valued you so little make you happy?

Regardless of what she wants to do... you will be sacrificing so much of yourself to allow a cheated back in.

 

Probably not. From where I am now, there are two conditions need to be met fit our marriage to survive. I need to be a saint, and she needs to be willing to lift mountains.

 

I'm definitely not a saint, and judging but what I've seen (her finding him irresistible and going overboard to make herself attractive to him and please him while knowing all along how would I react if I find out) she's not going to suddenly come to Jesus and start fixing what she's broken.

 

You can assume the affair is still ongoing - if it ended she would have written about an important event like that.

 

Have you considered exposing to the OM wife (assuming he is married)?

 

Yes, I assume it's going on, maybe temporarily on hold but still on. I know who om is, don't kibble if he's married (not clear in the diary). I'm considering meeting him and having a few words about chasing her so relentlessly.

 

I'm back home and to my surprise she looks crushed to the pulp and saying sorry at every opportunity. I assume that I told her we shouldn't be staying under the same room but for the kid. I guess she didn't like that... or just mourning the end of this phase of her life before moving on.

[Cephalopod]

You assumed you told her?

 

Odd...

[Drone117]

You assumed you told her?

 

Odd...

 

 

I assume that It is likely because I told her....

 

Typing error.

[Marc878]

Yes, I assume it's going on, maybe temporarily on hold but still on. I know who om is, don't kibble if he's married (not clear in the diary). I'm considering meeting him and having a few words about chasing her so relentlessly.

 

Her other man only took what your wife gave him. Speaking to him is a waste of time.

 

You will at some point try R so don't make the mistake of not informing his wife.

If they have any contact the affair will continue.

 

She needs to know what she's married to.

[Marc878]

She's probably crushed because she thought you'd never find out about their dirty little secret. Don't be deceived here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, I am really very sorry for the way things have turned out for you. As I had said before there were similarities between your case and that of a guy whose moniker was zinger. This guy had decided to divorce his wife and move from Europe to the US.

 

With all the upheaval that has taken place in your life right now I really hope for your sake that you are taking care of yourself and are eating and sleeping as best you can. From the way you write you seem to be an emotionally strong person and I am sure you will be able to ride out this storm successfully with, of course, a lot of heartache. It is sad that this has transpired during the Christmas season(Ironic if you ask me) and that you will have to forego the usual cheer and merrymaking that Christmas entails. Can you have some family from your side visit during Christmas to help you tide over this period? Also you may have to ask your wife to move out during this period as both if you would feel awkward. My best wishes to you at this difficult time. By the way have you had a serious talk with your wife?

[Lion Heart]

You're doing so well Drone.

 

I'm sorry your wife cheated on you and your family.

 

Best wishes for your decision making from this point on.

 

Trust your gut. It's been spot on with very little evidence.

 

There was a saying I saw early on here in LS shortly after my D Day and it went something like this:

 

I'd rather be slapped in the face with the truth than kissed with a lie.

 

I'm currently divorcing my second wayward husband.

It's been a monstrously difficult time.

 

I wanted to communicate what your wayward wife MAY do.

Blame shift - put her A as your fault.

NEVER accept blame.

NEVER.

 

Her affair was ALL on her.

Her responsibility to protect the marraige.

Her consequences to face.

 

But I'm afraid yours and your child's too.

 

WW may also MINIMIZE, smoke screen (thanl goodness you have her Diary) and from experience I can tell you that you've been mind-f***ed.

 

The CONFUSION you felt was an indicator that you were being mind-fd.

 

Talking with your WW after D Day may continue to make you feel mind-fd. It's normal for a spouse who's been cheated on to feel complete rage. Justifiably so.

 

You've been wise to leave your home when you want to blow your top.

 

Take note of your lucidity when you left. Sure you were emotional BUT it's this STEELY FOCUS that can be blown way off course by WW.

 

DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO to retain this focus on seeking CLARITY. Time out for one.

 

I haven't looked back for 1 nano second once I made up my mind to D with either WH. Cheating is completely unacceptable to me. No matter what the circumstances.

 

You'll definitively know WHEN that moment comes.

If it does for you.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[Drone117]

i don't feel heartbroken. I feel angry, disappointed and taken for a fool. Because the whole story when I look back at it looks just plain stupid. He was some sort of office "star" and chased her until she basically walked hand in hand with him to his hotel room. On one of the business trips (not the last one) and in front of the office crowd, who were testing and almost encouraging her. From there she went out of herself to keep him interested. My take on it he wanted only sex, time will tell. In retrospect I was a total fool for not seeing the obvious.

 

You are right, this Christmas will be unique. I have no family to call for support, and I think I can safely rule out hers.

 

We did have some talks, no real outcome. She doesn't know my source, so I get a lot of what you call minimization. She doesn't deny the affair though. I wonder what would happen if I tell her I know even the names they were calling each other.

 

Does she know why she did what she did? No. Does she loves him and wants to leave me for him? No. Does she wants to stay in the marriage and try to fix it? Probably but she knows I'm not gonna forgive her anyway. Is she still seeing him? No, but she goes to work of course. Does she want me to leave and (apart from seeing the kid) never talk to her again? No. Is she over him? Not sure. Form the diary she's not, and "torn".

 

And we go and go circles. I guess I need to take matters in my own hands and call it a day. To be labeled a bad guy of course. When I do, I'll print the diary and include it with divorce papers, so she'd know I knew all along.

[Marc878]

If he's married you should inform his wife.

[Marc878]

Have you been able to estimate how long it went on?

[Marc878]

Thank you all. Great responses, too exausted to respond individually, but I value them all.

 

Key points.

 

The husband of her co-worker couldn't shed any more light. However he made it clear he's not surprised as he noticed some tension. Like his wife is uncomfortable mentioning my family. So he also feels something is up.

 

So now I'm certain something is going on. Biggest red flag: I don't think I'm 100% businesses as usual these days. Yet she hasn't tried to discuss our find out what's going on. This is totally opposite to our entire life together. So the question is what exactly it is and how far did it go.

 

I'm either going for an sudden "I know it all" type of discussion (as suggested by merrmeade) or talking to PI next week.

 

My course of action if my fears are confirmed? I don't know. Of course I'd like to save the marriage. However I can hardly imagine marriage-as-usual scenario if shelhas cheated. Like am I expected to prevented nothing happened? Or get paranoid each time she goes to the office.? Or alternatively I may have no say at all, if she's chosen someone else over me.

 

Obviously her coworker knew and may have enabled. I'd inform her husband. Sounds like a snake pit at work.

[Marc878]

You should go to a hard 180. At this time join a gym, get out with friends, etc.

[S2B]

What's the update?

 

Did she end the affair? Was it exposed? Did she move out?