Is anything going on

[fenix]

You "kicked the ant nest" without a VAR in place. She may be on to you now and stop all activity for a month or two. Do not give her a clean bill of health if you find nothing for that long.

 

Yes, this is actually quite true... I wouldn't have talked to the co-worker, I am almost inclined on OP to confront his wife now before she is warned. Once she knows OP is onto her, she will erase all the clues and it will be very difficult for OP to know if she is an innocent wife or just a woman great on covering her adultery.

[TobyBoy]

Drone, was the coworker on the trip also? If she was, did she say when she returned?

[Drone117]

Drone, was the coworker on the trip also? If she was, did she say when she returned?

 

I think she was.

[BuddyX]

It's not too late to get a VAR. You still have no hard evidence. Odds are, she's cheating. But you need to go stealth.

[TobyBoy]

I think she was.

 

Don't wait for the weekend. Contact the coworkers husband and explain what's going on. Tell him you spoke to his wife and she refused to get involved. Ask him when his wife returned home. There's also the possibility that both, your wife and female coworker stayed another night. The husband would know.

[JS84]

Right now you have to stay in snoop mode. Just make sure you don't tip your hand because you still don't have concrete proof of anything. Don't think talking to the co-worker was the best move as she's most likely just going to tell your wife what you were asking about but like someone else said, not wanting to comment basically says it all. But again, still not proof. Your best bet for the time being is a VAR in the car as has been mentioned several times now.

 

Don't wait for the weekend. Contact the coworkers husband and explain what's going on. Tell him you spoke to his wife and she refused to get involved. Ask him when his wife returned home. There's also the possibility that both, your wife and female coworker stayed another night. The husband would know.

 

I'd wait until he sees the coworkers husband in person. Calling the co-worker to begin with wasn't the best idea but if he starts calling the co-workers husband fishing for info and the co-worker is aware of it, he has no way of knowing how much of that gets back to his wife. They might call her just to let her know that OP is calling both of them asking a bunch of questions about her behavior and where she is at certain times. If she is cheating, then she's not showing much of her hand as it is. If she thinks he's on to her, she's just going to cover her tracks even better.

Edited November 25, 2016 by JS84

[JS84]

Also just thinking, if your finances can cover it you could always hire a PI as well when she's on one of those trips.

[Poutrew]

Hotel charges are there up until Friday.

 

Does the credit statement have anything on it after Friday? It is just possible that the billing period for the credit card ended on that Friday in which case the charge for Saturday wouldn't appear until the next billing statement... I am hoping that this is the case for your sake, although with what the female coworker hinted at, I know it is probably just grasping at straws. Be careful when you ask the coworkers husband if he knows anything- if his wife is in the middle of this she may also be involved in which case you are, in effect, telling her hubby that his wife is cheating. He may also get protective of his wife and clam up. Also, get ahold of past credit statements and see if you can find a pattern of when the hotel statement ends versus when she comes home. You will get a running documentary evidence of the length and nature of the affair and how badly she has been lying to you. Do this all before you confront, because afterwards it will all magically go away... In your case, spending the extra money on a PI may not be such a bad idea after all.

 

Also, be prepared for her to turn it all around and blame you for her affair - she'll say stuff like: 'I did it for us - you certainly never complained about the extra money I've been making, nor about all the goodies we can afford to get now' , or 'It's only sex... you're the one I truly love...' Believe me, depending on how compartmentalized in her mind her behavior is when she is on her 'business trips', the level of justification can become impressively bizarre...

[Drone117]

ok, I don't have to be convinced anymore. PI it is. Will either Google or a friend of mine is divorce attorney. They are using PIs, right?

 

Card statement for that Sat. it's available. I feel like I'm turning to be a shallow prison, always hated that. But here it is: only two airport meals (city of departure and home) and the ride home. Times check. However. Why didn't she paid with her corporate card and or expense it? She would if that was on business? Why did she need to have a meal at our home airport if it was only 2 hour flight and she'd meal near the departure? Before it was home ASAP straight from the plane always. Where are other items, flight, hotel?

 

Think about me whatever you want because of the above. But I think I need to start looking inside to prepare myself if she is cheating. F...k.

[S2B]

I think she changed her flight - which was already scheduled through her expense. Maybe she paid cash for the change of days.

 

She ate a meal with whoever she's seeing (stayed over with) -maybe it was drinks. Then when they arrived back home they didn't want to leave each other so they either had more drinks or another bite to eat. How much were those meal tabs?

 

Maybe she paid cash for the additional hotel night because she didn't want a paper trail and knew she couldn't turn in another night on her expense account.

 

Or maybe he paid for the flight change and hotel and meals they are that night. Makes more sense that he paid and that's why she paid at the airport.

 

What did she say when she returned home? Didn't you ask her questions about having to stay longer than expected? Did you get a look at everything she packed? Was there anything out of the ordinary? Has she been buying new bras or panties lately? Start checking.

 

How often does she travel? Have a pi follow her when she travels next.

[TobyBoy]

Are you friends with the coworker that you spoke to on facebook? Check hers or anyone that might have gone on that work trip and their status, pics etc....during that trip. Check your wife's feed also!!

[Marc878]

Red flag with the coworker. No comment like the other poster said is a comment.

You can get a good quality VAR cheap, use good batteries. Yesterday!!!! She could have a burner phone or be using a business phone.

 

Workplace affairs are hard to investigate especially if it's travel related. Even a PI will have difficulty. Your friend the husband of the coworker is your best bet.

[Poutrew]

Another thing I thought of: does her phone have a 'find me' app, like the 'find my IPhone app'? If so and it is on, you can get a log of exactly where she's been down to the foot. Good luck, OP. I think you need to prepare yourself for some bad sh*t in your future...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, sorry to see you in such an unenviable position. I wonder if you and your wife ate from the US and have relocated to Europe. Is English the common language of choice where you are living or is it a secondary languge? Sometimes I think women get charmed by men of a different race and speaking a different language. For ladies someone speaking English with an accent and limited fluency can sometimes work like a charm especially if the man is himself a charmer. Of course I may be completely wrong because you may be in an English speaking country where the above just does not apply.

 

However, my point here was turn your attention away from the stark prognostications that some people on here are making, not because they may be wrong but because, in addition to your own suspicions you do not want to be burdened with horror images of your wife with someone else. There will be time enough for that if anything is proved. In the mean time you should work out a plan of action as to how you are going to tackle the problem you are faced with. Using the services of a PI is a good step. I think there are websites and possibly books which can provide guidance on detecting signs that your spouse is cheating and maybe ways in which to get conclusive proof. The good folk on this forum are quite experienced and knowledgeable in various techniques and maybe if you have the time, you can read the many stories here to gain an insight as to how to catch a cheating spouse. Some of the methods used by people in the past may work for you. In any case I would advise you not yo obsess about your wife but rather be a bit cold and calculating in your approach to discovering if anything is going on.

 

If you do get a few more clues about your what your wife is up to and are not being able to make much headway after that then you could also try some ambush confrontation using your knowledge of her coworker having gone on the trip with her and confront her suddenly, when she least expects it, maybe after having taken her out for dinner or a movie. You could tell her that the coworker gave you information about her activities but be vague about it do that she is left wondering what you actually know. The suddenness of your confrontation should knock her off balance and that is when she will be vulnerable and might give out more information than she would like to. However if you do this it would have to be executed with elan, no fumbling on your part and you should have it planned down to the last detail. Hope some of this helps. Whatever happens keep your chin up. Warm wishes.

[kgcolonel]

ok, I don't have to be convinced anymore. PI it is. Will either Google or a friend of mine is divorce attorney. They are using PIs, right?

 

Card statement for that Sat. it's available. I feel like I'm turning to be a shallow prison, always hated that. But here it is: only two airport meals (city of departure and home) and the ride home. Times check. However. Why didn't she paid with her corporate card and or expense it? She would if that was on business? Why did she need to have a meal at our home airport if it was only 2 hour flight and she'd meal near the departure? Before it was home ASAP straight from the plane always. Where are other items, flight, hotel?

 

Think about me whatever you want because of the above. But I think I need to start looking inside to prepare myself if she is cheating. F...k.

 

 

 

Drone, I agree things don't look good however as a frequent business traveler with a corporate card....I will say that there is a possibility (not likely but possibility for an explanation)..Our system logs the Corp. Card use and posts it to our expense system automatically....many times the timing of the posting is inconsistent and thus charges show up on the expense system and the CC bill several days following the actual charge and after other charges from other vendors that were used that same day. Also, on most business trips I take, I will check out of the hotel the morning of the last day anticipating a departure that afternoon.....If her day ran longer than expected, she likely had to check back into this hotel or another thus creating another charge record on the card. The CC charge might show up for the hotel on a later posting as i have had that happen to me in the past. One thing i would look for is the receipts...we are always required to attach the receipts to the expense reports.....also, if she charge stuff to the personal card, you can call and get the receipts sent to you.

 

This does sound sketchy at best and I am really hoping that it turns out to be nothing. Very sorry you are going through this.....have you thought about your course of action, if it turns out what you're thinking it is?

Edited November 25, 2016 by kgcolonel

[merrmeade]

If you do get a few more clues about your what your wife is up to and are not being able to make much headway after that then you could also try some ambush confrontation using your knowledge of her coworker having gone on the trip with her and confront her suddenly, when she least expects it, maybe after having taken her out for dinner or a movie. You could tell her that the coworker gave you information about her activities but be vague about it do that she is left wondering what you actually know. The suddenness of your confrontation should knock her off balance and that is when she will be vulnerable and might give out more information than she would like to. However if you do this it would have to be executed with elan, no fumbling on your part and you should have it planned down to the last detail. Hope some of this helps. Whatever happens keep your chin up. Warm wishes.

This is exactly what I did and it works - the whole thing. First, I did some reading on lying, how to tell when someone is lying, how to get a confession. I used information from different sites about the importance of putting the person's fears to rest, getting the person to trust you, catching the person off guard and relaxed (for example, after a meal), and then letting them think that you know more than you may. You don't lie but you don't commit; it has to be carefully planned and executed as Just A Guy said. And it only works once. I tried a second time, and it was about half as successful.

 

The first time, I made a scrumptious afternoon tea, led into the topic of his relationship with OW (supposedly only a friend/family member) and how she had told me "everything." I said I understood (okay, this was a bold lie) and would forgive him and so he might as well tell me. Well, he told me about her and about another one I'd never even known about from years before.

 

That's when I went into shock and was thereafter incapable of processing, much less planning anything nearly as calculating.

 

So once again, wait until you have incontrovertible evidence pointing to infidelity. (In my case, the OW had admitted to me she was in love with my husband.) And then execute your script.

[S2B]

Have you seen the co workers husband yet? What did he say?

[Drone117]

Thank you all. Great responses, too exausted to respond individually, but I value them all.

 

Key points.

 

The husband of her co-worker couldn't shed any more light. However he made it clear he's not surprised as he noticed some tension. Like his wife is uncomfortable mentioning my family. So he also feels something is up.

 

So now I'm certain something is going on. Biggest red flag: I don't think I'm 100% businesses as usual these days. Yet she hasn't tried to discuss our find out what's going on. This is totally opposite to our entire life together. So the question is what exactly it is and how far did it go.

 

I'm either going for an sudden "I know it all" type of discussion (as suggested by merrmeade) or talking to PI next week.

 

My course of action if my fears are confirmed? I don't know. Of course I'd like to save the marriage. However I can hardly imagine marriage-as-usual scenario if shelhas cheated. Like am I expected to prevented nothing happened? Or get paranoid each time she goes to the office.? Or alternatively I may have no say at all, if she's chosen someone else over me.

Edited November 27, 2016 by Drone117

[BluesPower]

You sound fairly rational about it for the most part.

 

I hate to beat a dead horse, but you really need to understand and wrap your head around some basic points.

 

There is no doubt that she is sleeping with the guy from work, none. So you just need to put that possibility out of your head. If there was a doubt at all based on the other information that you have, the husbands truthful discussion with you confirms everything that you know so far,

 

So yes, she is screwing another man with out a doubt.

 

The only question that remains is how and when to confront. I think that PI for a couple of weeks at least may give you hard proof. I would be that they are hitting a hotel at lunch to screw. Lots and lots of people do that.

 

But the PI may get you the hard proof that you need to confront her where she cannot lie about the affair.

 

The other way that was suggested might work, READ might, but it is a risk. If she does not confess she may take the affair underground.

 

So take your time to decide how, but don't hold on to any hope that she is not sleeping with this guy. When you hold on to false hope, there is a chance that you will freak out when you have your hard proof.

 

It is better to understand what is happening, letting go of the false hope, so that hopefully you can keep your **** together when the confrontation goes down.

 

Good luck...

[elaine567]

So once again, wait until you have incontrovertible evidence pointing to infidelity. (In my case, the OW had admitted to me she was in love with my husband.) And then execute your script.

 

But there you had pretty good evidence. YOU knew the OW was besotted, so it was not a far reach to think something was going on, you had the players in place. Your husband and your SIL, it was merely a case of connecting the dots.

Had he said "Go on, tell me who it is? then you had the answer all ready.

 

Here he has no idea of who the OM is, just a gap in her itinerary and a "no comment" from her friend and "I think there could be something going on" from the friend's husband.

It could all be shot down in a moment. and he has lost his advantage.

What if the "OM" is actually the co-worker herself? No-one said it had to be a man.

[karnak]

It could all be shot down in a moment. and he has lost his advantage.

What if the "OM" is actually the co-worker herself? No-one said it had to be a man.

 

May be. More and more women are coming "out of the closet" in the latest years. A friend of mine who's gay has told me frequently that the vast majority of gay people (in Europe at least) are married with kids, unfortunately living a double life with fear of revealing themselves.

[Cephalopod]

Of course I'd like to save the marriage.

 

Why?

 

She obviously does not value the marriage the way you do. Why would you want you save it? Why would you want yo stay with a woman who would do this to you?

 

I'm not being facetious. I want you to really ask yourself that.

[BetrayedH]

I don't think you have proof of much of anything.

 

I recommend a GPS device for her car.

 

My wife was having an affair with her boss. On the first download of the GPS data, I found she'd been to a hotel from 10pm to midnight when she was supposed to be working. Cost me about $100. You can also get "live" trackers; they're just a bit more expensive. That's assuming you can't use "Find My iPhone" or a similar app without her knowledge.

 

I tried a PI but it cost me $250 just for a few hours and she never met the OM during them. But the GPS was ongoing. I think a GPS combined with a VAR is your best bet. If she's screwing around, you'll likely know pretty quick.

[Poutrew]

At least the husband is being honest with you. But yeah, I think you at this point you really must assume she is screwing her boss (probably). You may want to stop sex with her and get checked out for STDs. She probably wont even notice, or care. If you can keep it together, you really should be prepping now: have your money going to a separate account she has no access to, removing valuables she could just take after exposure, stuff like that. You don't want her to clean out your bank account when she moves in with her new man - and I would insist she do so. He is her problem now, not yours. One thing, you don't want her loosing her job until after the divorce and settlement is finalized. Then you shouldn't give a bloody da*n. After it is over, see a lawyer about suing her company. After all, the affair was conducted on company time (this is when documentary evidence provided by the PI will become valuable). This will have 2 main outcomes: They will both be fired, and the company will likely wish to settle with you out of court for a nice fat sum. HR violations can get so messy.... vengeance is a dish that should only be served ice cold.

[Drone117]

I don't think you have proof of much of anything.

 

I recommend a GPS device for her car.

 

My wife was having an affair with her boss. On the first download of the GPS data, I found she'd been to a hotel from 10pm to midnight when she was supposed to be working. Cost me about $100. You can also get "live" trackers; they're just a bit more expensive. That's assuming you can't use "Find My iPhone" or a similar app without her knowledge.

 

I tried a PI but it cost me $250 just for a few hours and she never met the OM during them. But the GPS was ongoing. I think a GPS combined with a VAR is your best bet. If she's screwing around, you'll likely know pretty quick.

 

 

Her car doesn't have GPS logger. I have checked it, her in dash Sat nav has 2 places in recently found that I do not recognize. She does not use Sat nav a lot usually. These adresses are nowhere, there's nothing specific in these areas.

 

Of course, 100s of possible reasons for that.