Is anything going on

[elaine567]

Another example I figured I can post to explain myself. She has a choice of wearing the uniform or own business attire. For a year she liked the uniform. Her own words - she doesn't have to think what to wear. Starting from a month ago she started wearing strictly her own outfits.

 

Wearing a uniform can be good, as your wife said she doesn't have to worry about what she wears, BUT wearing a company uniform can place you lower in the pecking order, and can make your job seem less important, especially to outsiders in other companies.

Cleaners and waiting staff wear uniforms, higher management do not.

Maybe she has just realized that.

[Grapesofwrath]

Drone: I definitely believe you have to trust your gut. But I'm wondering if, in your case, what you are sensing is not an affair but an increased interest and investment in her career. She has taken on a new job, perhaps getting recognized for good work, so she is enjoying that feeling and putting more energy into her job. This could affect her dress and her level of interest in going on business trips.

 

My suggestion would be to ask her or talk to her about some of these changes. Not "confront" her with an attack about cheating, but simply communicate with her about the changes you notice and see what she has to say.

[BluesPower]

I hate to be dogmatic, but I think in this case it is needed.

 

First, your gut is always correct. Always.

 

Second, the changed attitude about traveling is just such a red flag and she probably does not understand that she is letting that slip. Most likely because she is looking forward to the wild monkey sex that she will get to have with out kids and a husband to worry about.

 

Third, Starting to were her own cloths is another flag. She wants to be more attractive to the other man in her life.

 

Forth, If she seems to have a greater interest in keeping you happy in any way, sexually or otherwise, that would be another huge red flag.

 

It can go both ways in an affair, either more neglect, or renewed or more interest in keeping the BH happy so he does not get wise. They also sometimes butter up BH out of guilt. Neglect would be more honest but it does go both ways.

 

Finally, the VAR is not the point of no return, it is the starting point for you to figure out what is actually going on.

 

Just be vigilant and keep working and you will find out what you really need to find out.

[goodyblue]

I hate to be dogmatic, but I think in this case it is needed.

 

First, your gut is always correct. Always.

 

Second, the changed attitude about traveling is just such a red flag and she probably does not understand that she is letting that slip. Most likely because she is looking forward to the wild monkey sex that she will get to have with out kids and a husband to worry about.

 

Third, Starting to were her own cloths is another flag. She wants to be more attractive to the other man in her life.

 

Forth, If she seems to have a greater interest in keeping you happy in any way, sexually or otherwise, that would be another huge red flag.

 

It can go both ways in an affair, either more neglect, or renewed or more interest in keeping the BH happy so he does not get wise. They also sometimes butter up BH out of guilt. Neglect would be more honest but it does go both ways.

 

Finally, the VAR is not the point of no return, it is the starting point for you to figure out what is actually going on.

 

Just be vigilant and keep working and you will find out what you really need to find out.

 

Please stop. You are telling a person with NO proof,not even red flags, who is just a bit concerned, about the high probability of his wife having monkey sex. One step at a time, please. You can't just jump from point A to point X without checking things out. You are being irresponsible.

[Whatnotagain]

I would trust your gut and your instincts on this. Five years ago my wife left on a business trip right after Thanksgiving and within a few hours of her arrival back East I knew something was up. We both had traveled over the years prior to that trip and there was a certain dynamic or rapport that we had with each other when we travel. It was the sudden and subtle changes that alerted me that something was wrong. The things that stood out most were the emotional detachment that occurred during and after the trip. I remember dropping her off at LAX early in the morning before I drove back home after visiting family and how distant she was. It was the same after she returned from the trip for a few days. During that trip she avoiding any communication with me at times that she would have been alone and instead only communicated with me when she was at work or around her other coworkers. This was completely opposite of the way things had been before and she avoided any late night calls and texts when she couldn't sleep, which she had always done before. It was 2 1/2 years before she confessed about what had happened on that trip. She was with another male coworker and had shared adjoining rooms with him for the week. Just like you I had no solid proof, no one telling me that something going on, no text or email messages between the two of them, just feelings that something was wrong, which all turned out to be valid.

[BluesPower]

Ladies I am sorry but you two IMHO are just dead wrong.

 

Time will tell, and if I am wrong I will start a thread and apologize to you both. But I have lived this stuff. Men and women feel it in their gut when their spouse is having an affair. It happened to me and a hundred other men and women on these boards.

 

I think one female spouse was wrong out of all of them, that I remember. And she found some real issues with her husband's behavior. I think her husband would have had an affair is she had not sensed the changes is his behavior and put a VAR in his car.

 

The flags that I have described are real and these exact types of behaviors have proven to be signs of an affair.

 

So I guess time will tell if I need to apologize to you two or not.

 

And don't worry, I will be man enough to admit that I am wrong if I am, but will you two own up if it turns out I am right?

[goodyblue]

Ladies I am sorry but you two IMHO are just dead wrong.

 

Time will tell, and if I am wrong I will start a thread and apologize to you both. But I have lived this stuff. Men and women feel it in their gut when their spouse is having an affair. It happened to me and a hundred other men and women on these boards.

 

I think one female spouse was wrong out of all of them, that I remember. And she found some real issues with her husband's behavior. I think her husband would have had an affair is she had not sensed the changes is his behavior and put a VAR in his car.

 

The flags that I have described are real and these exact types of behaviors have proven to be signs of an affair.

 

So I guess time will tell if I need to apologize to you two or not.

 

And don't worry, I will be man enough to admit that I am wrong if I am, but will you two own up if it turns out I am right?

 

 

I don't want an apology, you have a right to your opinion, I just think you could scale it back. I agree he should trust his gut too. I think he should get a VAR. In do not, however, think he should be scared out of his mind picturing monkey sex when it could be something as simple as liking work more, hormonal changes, whatever. Just my opinion to take a softer, less upsetting approach.

[Drone117]

I really appreciate both "camps" in this discussion as I need to get 2 sides of the story. Before I get to the next step which could be life changing.

 

I agree with the opinion that these changes in work habits are career related. At the same time there are way too many similarities to what Whatnotagain has posted.

 

No detachment issues but total change of communication pattern. While it is possible o do not believe it was work related.

 

I'll be working from home tomorrow to do full electronics discovery.

 

Really freaking out now as she's not the same since she's returned.

 

If she'd be getting a promotion or whatever I'd be 1st to know. Not the case.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I hate to be dogmatic, but I think in this case it is needed.

 

First, your gut is always correct. Always.

 

Second, the changed attitude about traveling is just such a red flag and she probably does not understand that she is letting that slip. Most likely because she is looking forward to the wild monkey sex that she will get to have with out kids and a husband to worry about.

 

Third, Starting to were her own cloths is another flag. She wants to be more attractive to the other man in her life.

 

Forth, If she seems to have a greater interest in keeping you happy in any way, sexually or otherwise, that would be another huge red flag.

 

It can go both ways in an affair, either more neglect, or renewed or more interest in keeping the BH happy so he does not get wise. They also sometimes butter up BH out of guilt. Neglect would be more honest but it does go both ways.

 

Finally, the VAR is not the point of no return, it is the starting point for you to figure out what is actually going on.

 

Just be vigilant and keep working and you will find out what you really need to find out.

 

The clothes thing is a red flag of a change she is going through. It could be that she has not actually done anything yet but is questioning her whole identity. How old is she? Has she changed her diet? Exercise? Hair?

[Poutrew]

The clothes thing is a red flag of a change she is going through. It could be that she has not actually done anything yet but is questioning her whole identity. How old is she? Has she changed her diet? Exercise? Hair?

 

Another red flag is if she has changed the way she grooms her nether regions. Is she shaving herself down there any differently than she usually does? Also, is she wearing sexier lingerie than usual? You might want to dig deep into her underwear drawer to see if she has sexy panties that she is not wearing for you - she might be taking special cloths meant only for the OM. Another thing you can do: If she brings her soiled cloths home to wash maybe you can fish one of her panties out of the wash before she cleans it and examine it for semen. There are inexpensive semen test kits you can use, or you can send it into a lab and they will be able to tell you the nationality of the man making the deposit. Yes, as ugly as it sounds, being a detective involves more than laying VARs around the place. It involves literally digging into her dirty laundry, going deep into her closet or basement and ferreting out hiding places where she thinks you will never go in a million years... to find her secrets, if she has any.

[Grapesofwrath]

Ladies I am sorry but you two IMHO are just dead wrong.

 

Time will tell, and if I am wrong I will start a thread and apologize to you both. But I have lived this stuff. Men and women feel it in their gut when their spouse is having an affair. It happened to me and a hundred other men and women on these boards.

 

I think one female spouse was wrong out of all of them, that I remember. And she found some real issues with her husband's behavior. I think her husband would have had an affair is she had not sensed the changes is his behavior and put a VAR in his car.

 

The flags that I have described are real and these exact types of behaviors have proven to be signs of an affair.

 

So I guess time will tell if I need to apologize to you two or not.

 

And don't worry, I will be man enough to admit that I am wrong if I am, but will you two own up if it turns out I am right?

 

Blues: I hope you're wrong. Not because I want to win--and I will "own up to it" if I am wrong--but because Drone will be devastated if his suspicions are true. I enjoy your no-holds-barred posts, but I think this is really about Drone and his crisis. Not which one of us is right.

[Drone117]

Grooming? Negative. Exercise? Negative. Diet? Negative. Hair? Positive. Underwear? Inconclusive. Usual ones are sexy enough. Some uogrades, yes, but about 2 months ago?

 

Other changes? Less talk about the technicalities of her work (used to joke that I'm now an expect in her field of work), more talks about coworkers (mostly women). Sudden change of gym.

 

All in all, could be anything.

[Drone117]

Did some extensive discovery. Found only one suspicious trace. However in my eyes it's very disturbing.

 

She has a corporate travel card and had to do expenses report after each trip. I got hold of a statement. There are no charges for Friday night and Saturday. Zero.

 

I think that this turns my gut feeling into a solid suspicion. At least I see no other explanation.

[Jersey born raised]

Often in cases of co-workers one or both co-workers drift into an emtional connection at first which shows up in small subtle signs. Over time this either ends or develops into resentment frist showing signs of increase frustration at home towards the BS.

 

Can you provide some fundamentals of your marriage such as do you both work, percent of income per spouce, division of child care (when she is both home and away), educational levels. For privacy reasons it is ok to shade the truth but try to be accurate.

[TobyBoy]

Did some extensive discovery. Found only one suspicious trace. However in my eyes it's very disturbing.

 

She has a corporate travel card and had to do expenses report after each trip. I got hold of a statement. There are no charges for Friday night and Saturday. Zero.

 

I think that this turns my gut feeling into a solid suspicion. At least I see no other explanation.

Weird. Have you checked your credit card/ bank statements online? Also, what about the person that works in her office, have you tried to make contact and verify that everything is legit?

[BluesPower]

Just want to say...

 

Told you so everyone. Sorry to gloat.

 

That was a good stroke OP finding that report. She never thought to cover that up. I am so sorry, but the flags were there.

 

There is no other explanation for that not being on the report, none.

 

So what is your next step?

[WilyWill]

Please do not confront yet. You'll be met with an explanation like "I paid cash" or "I let Sue put it on her card because she wanted miles", "I had to stay in Jane's room because the hotel was full", etc.

 

Any affair will go underground or into temporary hiatus at that point--impossible to detect.

 

Time for the VAR in the car, the keylogger on the computer (to find alternate email accounts and their passwords), PI if you can afford it.

Edited November 23, 2016 by WilyWill

[aileD]

Also...the company could have paid for the hotel up front....so she wouldn't need to expense it.

 

It's not conclusive....sooo....if you confront her she's gonna find a way around it

 

Just get a VAR for her car. That will tell you everything you need to know

[Drone117]

Answering questions:

- We both work, both high ed (multiple degrees across).

- Income is 80% me, 20% her, that was mutual decision, she was my backbone when moving overseas and building my career, now her career is also picking up (f..ng stupid wording given where am I at now)

- there is nothing on our credit card, giving it some extra time for transactions to turn up. But most of her charges (hotel, cab, meals) should be on her corporate card, except flights. Why would she use her card knowing it won't be reimbursed?

- next steps? was going to confront straight away, but that's not what your seem to be suggesting. So will try my best poker face as much as I can. Feel justified note going into full spy mode.

- That person I know her office: I can either request an urgent contact now. This will trigger questions and suspicion. Or wait couple of days till we can meet with legitimate reason. Not sure yet.

- Cannot f..ng think about anything else right now

[S2B]

Did some extensive discovery. Found only one suspicious trace. However in my eyes it's very disturbing.

 

She has a corporate travel card and had to do expenses report after each trip. I got hold of a statement. There are no charges for Friday night and Saturday. Zero.

 

I think that this turns my gut feeling into a solid suspicion. At least I see no other explanation.

 

The only reason she wouldn't expense it is if she was supposed to already. E headed home and decided to stay over that extra day.

 

Hate to say it but did you check her underwear upon her return? There are detection kits for senen or bodily fluids that can be done on her under garments. Similar to DNA testing that's done forensically.

[Drone117]

Also...the company could have paid for the hotel up front....so she wouldn't need to expense it.

 

It's not conclusive....sooo....if you confront her she's gonna find a way around it

 

Just get a VAR for her car. That will tell you everything you need to know

 

Hotel charges are there up until Friday.

[S2B]

Get a voice activated recorder. Use that first before confronting. Either way she will likely deny so you need solid evidence before saying anything.

 

Check around - she may be using a burner phone so you see no communication on her regular phone.

[WilyWill]

You're going to have a tough couple of days. You're going to be tempted to confront, you're going to have snide remarks on the tip of your tongue, you're going to feel distant and angry.

 

But you're going to shut up. You need to be f'n James Bond and an Oscar-winning actor for the next week. Resist the temptation to express your real feelings. You need to put on a happy face and do the things you always do. "Hey, who wants more cranberry sauce?" "Great football game, eh?"

 

You can do it. You need to do it for your ultimate sanity.

[TobyBoy]

Need to find out who else stayed behind another night!!

Was your contact on that work trip also?

Is he a male....your contact that is?

[Buckeye2]

Get a voice activated recorder. Use that first before confronting. Either way she will likely deny so you need solid evidence before saying anything.

 

It's a good idea to have a VAR in place when you confront. You can learn a great deal from what she tells other people. It's like kicking an ant nest and then seeing what happens.

 

With a VAR in place you can just ask her if she's fooling around with no proof. Let her say she isn't and then see who she contacts.