Is anything going on

[Drone117]

But there you had pretty good evidence. YOU knew the OW was besotted, so it was not a far reach to think something was going on, you had the players in place. Your husband and your SIL, it was merely a case of connecting the dots.

Had he said "Go on, tell me who it is? then you had the answer all ready.

 

Here he has no idea of who the OM is, just a gap in her itinerary and a "no comment" from her friend and "I think there could be something going on" from the friend's husband.

It could all be shot down in a moment. and he has lost his advantage.

What if the "OM" is actually the co-worker herself? No-one said it had to be a man.

 

Technically possible, in reality that'd be too much of a farce.

[Drone117]

At least the husband is being honest with you. But yeah, I think you at this point you really must assume she is screwing her boss (probably). You may want to stop sex with her and get checked out for STDs. She probably wont even notice, or care. If you can keep it together, you really should be prepping now: have your money going to a separate account she has no access to, removing valuables she could just take after exposure, stuff like that. You don't want her to clean out your bank account when she moves in with her new man - and I would insist she do so. He is her problem now, not yours. One thing, you don't want her loosing her job until after the divorce and settlement is finalized. Then you shouldn't give a bloody da*n. After it is over, see a lawyer about suing her company. After all, the affair was conducted on company time (this is when documentary evidence provided by the PI will become valuable). This will have 2 main outcomes: They will both be fired, and the company will likely wish to settle with you out of court for a nice fat sum. HR violations can get so messy.... vengeance is a dish that should only be served ice cold.

 

I think I need to be sure she's indeed cheating first. I'm ruining out of alternative theories though.

[Drone117]

Why?

 

She obviously does not value the marriage the way you do. Why would you want you save it? Why would you want yo stay with a woman who would do this to you?

 

I'm not being facetious. I want you to really ask yourself that.

 

Isn't that a normal reaction? I may not have this option at the end, sure

[BluesPower]

The GPS tracker is a device like a VAR.

 

You hide it in the care like the VAR and it will show you where she has been, when she was there, and how long. It is another good piece of gear to get the information that you need to confront her with.

 

You know, a lot of people sound like you at first. Maybe that is the way that it is. Between the VAR, GPS tracker, and the PI, you will have hard evidence probably with in 2 weeks.

 

The reason that I am trying to get you to start realizing that she is cheating is so you will not freak out when the hard evidence confronts you. For your sake, it really is time to understand the your wife is cheating on you.

 

Good luck and keep it together...

[turnera]

Two things. One, hire the PI. Get as solid proof as possible. Money well spent if they find anything.

 

Two, cheaters are like drug addicts. They get a physical, biological HIGH from the cheating, from the secrets, from the sex. It's literally an addiction. I've seen people throw away families, high-profile careers, all their possessions, just for one more contact with their affair partner. So the person you're dealing with is NOT your wife. She's an addict. Is your wife still in there? Maybe, maybe not. But if you want to try to save the marriage, you only get one chance to do this right.

 

You GET the proof. You TELL her you have the proof and she's getting ONE CHANCE ONLY to end the affair if she wants to keep her marriage. She's got ten minutes. Go.

 

You then lay down the law on what she has to do to keep it, if she agrees. No contact EVER, a letter to him ending it that YOU see and approve, putting GPS on her phone and car so you can monitor, therapy until you're satisfied, and if she's working with him she must quit her job. Those are NON-NEGOTIABLE.

 

If she won't do these things, go immediately to a lawyer and take everything you can get; you can always give her back some of it for the kids' sakes, if there are kids. For now, you take everything.

 

If she won't agree to stop, you sit down and you start calling. Her parents, her siblings, her best friend, her pastor. Tell them you're willing to try to save the marriage, but ONLY if she gives up her affair partner. Then you sit back and see what she does. She'll be angry. Good. That means the exposure is working. Wait. What she does next will tell you if she's worth fighting for. Either she THEN gives him up, or doesn't, in which case you go immediately to the lawyer.

[Marc878]

Exposure if it comes to it should be done without warning. Let them deal with it.

If you say anything they'll concoct an alibi. He just a crazy jealous husband, etc

[BetrayedH]

Her car doesn't have GPS logger. I have checked it, her in dash Sat nav has 2 places in recently found that I do not recognize. She does not use Sat nav a lot usually. These adresses are nowhere, there's nothing specific in these areas.

 

Of course, 100s of possible reasons for that.

 

Just to clarify...I bought a GPS unit at a Spy store and affixed it to her car. I would have to secretly retrieve it when she was sleeping but, like I said, I had proof on the first download of the data into Google Maps.

 

Then I visited the hotel and they gave me a duplicate receipt. Then I noticed that she accrued points for her visit. Then I correctly guessed at her username and password on the hotel website where I found a dozen hotel stays in her history. Then I checked lots of other hotel websites and found 33 stays going back the six months they kept records. She later admitted the affair was 13 months, so that means it was probably more like 60-70 hotel stays (all of them mid-day while they were at "meetings").

 

Keep your mouth shut. Find out the truth. Then watch her lie. Then decide how much you want to save this marriage.

[BetrayedH]

Two things. One, hire the PI. Get as solid proof as possible. Money well spent if they find anything.

 

Two, cheaters are like drug addicts. They get a physical, biological HIGH from the cheating, from the secrets, from the sex. It's literally an addiction. I've seen people throw away families, high-profile careers, all their possessions, just for one more contact with their affair partner. So the person you're dealing with is NOT your wife. She's an addict. Is your wife still in there? Maybe, maybe not. But if you want to try to save the marriage, you only get one chance to do this right.

 

You GET the proof. You TELL her you have the proof and she's getting ONE CHANCE ONLY to end the affair if she wants to keep her marriage. She's got ten minutes. Go.

 

You then lay down the law on what she has to do to keep it, if she agrees. No contact EVER, a letter to him ending it that YOU see and approve, putting GPS on her phone and car so you can monitor, therapy until you're satisfied, and if she's working with him she must quit her job. Those are NON-NEGOTIABLE.

 

If she won't do these things, go immediately to a lawyer and take everything you can get; you can always give her back some of it for the kids' sakes, if there are kids. For now, you take everything.

 

If she won't agree to stop, you sit down and you start calling. Her parents, her siblings, her best friend, her pastor. Tell them you're willing to try to save the marriage, but ONLY if she gives up her affair partner. Then you sit back and see what she does. She'll be angry. Good. That means the exposure is working. Wait. What she does next will tell you if she's worth fighting for. Either she THEN gives him up, or doesn't, in which case you go immediately to the lawyer.

 

While I might adjust a few of the finer points of this, the fact is that this really is the conventional wisdom that the original poster should get his head wrapped around. Whether you want to reconcile or divorce, taking a firm stance that immediately demands respect for you and the marriage (or the marriage is over) is the only way to go. Taking a soft approach (even if you are devastated and just want to salvage what you can) is counter-productive as it allows the affair to continue.

[Drone117]

The GPS tracker is a device like a VAR.

 

You hide it in the care like the VAR and it will show you where she has been, when she was there, and how long. It is another good piece of gear to get the information that you need to confront her with.

 

You know, a lot of people sound like you at first. Maybe that is the way that it is. Between the VAR, GPS tracker, and the PI, you will have hard evidence probably with in 2 weeks.

 

The reason that I am trying to get you to start realizing that she is cheating is so you will not freak out when the hard evidence confronts you. For your sake, it really is time to understand the your wife is cheating on you.

 

Good luck and keep it together...

 

Thank you. I understand the difference between the GPS logger and in dash Sat nav. I just went to check of her Sat nav is logging her routes. Only last found places, which was inconclusive.

 

Yes, I'm getting myself ready. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst you know.

[Drone117]

Just to clarify...I bought a GPS unit at a Spy store and affixed it to her car. I would have to secretly retrieve it when she was sleeping but, like I said, I had proof on the first download of the data into Google Maps.

 

Then I visited the hotel and they gave me a duplicate receipt. Then I noticed that she accrued points for her visit. Then I correctly guessed at her username and password on the hotel website where I found a dozen hotel stays in her history. Then I checked lots of other hotel websites and found 33 stays going back the six months they kept records. She later admitted the affair was 13 months, so that means it was probably more like 60-70 hotel stays (all of them mid-day while they were at "meetings").

 

Keep your mouth shut. Find out the truth. Then watch her lie. Then decide how much you want to save this marriage.

 

Will do that.

[TobyBoy]

Did you really get nothing from friend? Was his wife on the work trip and if she was, did she returned on Friday or Saturday?

[Drone117]

Wow, that's comprehensive.

 

 

Two things. One, hire the PI. Get as solid proof as possible. Money well spent if they find anything..

 

I agree that's a good plan.

 

Two, cheaters are like drug addicts. They get a physical, biological HIGH from the cheating, from the secrets, from the sex. It's literally an addiction. I've seen people throw away families, high-profile careers, all their possessions, just for one more contact with their affair partner. So the person you're dealing with is NOT your wife. She's an addict. Is your wife still in there? Maybe, maybe not. But if you want to try to save the marriage, you only get one chance to do this right.

 

If that is what is happening, that explains it to the t. What I mean is that her behavior is consistent with a) colossal misunderstanding, or b) what you've just posted.

 

You GET the proof. You TELL her you have the proof and she's getting ONE CHANCE ONLY to end the affair if she wants to keep her marriage. She's got ten minutes. Go.

 

Feels like I need to do just that.

 

then lay down the law on what she has to do to keep it, if she agrees. No contact EVER, a letter to him ending it that YOU see and approve, putting GPS on her phone and car so you can monitor, therapy until you're satisfied, and if she's working with him she must quit her job. Those are NON-NEGOTIABLE.

That sounds right as well, however I'm not sure what kind if marriage is that. Could this even be called marriage?

 

If she won't do these things, go immediately to a lawyer and take everything you can get; you can always give her back some of it for the kids' sakes, if there are kids. For now, you take everything.

 

You mean if she doesn't comply - divorce.

If she won't agree to stop, you sit down and you start calling. Her parents, her siblings, her best friend, her pastor. Tell them you're willing to try to save the marriage, but ONLY if she gives up her affair partner. Then you sit back and see what she does. She'll be angry. Good. That means the exposure is working. Wait. What she does next will tell you if she's worth fighting for. Either she THEN gives him up, or doesn't, in which case you go immediately to the lawyer.

 

I'm definitely not going to call 3rd parties to convince her to stay of that's what you mean. If she wants to be with someone else,, that's her choice... Just not while being married to me. I think I and her will be on the same page - if it comes that far.

[Drone117]

Did you really get nothing from friend? Was his wife on the work trip and if she was, did she returned on Friday or Saturday?

 

Nothing. Yes she was on the trip but returned earlier, Thursday I think.

[TobyBoy]

Nothing. Yes she was on the trip but returned earlier, Thursday I think.

 

Oh boy. Big giant red flag.

 

You need access to her work email.

[turnera]

That sounds right as well, however I'm not sure what kind if marriage is that. Could this even be called marriage?

Remember, she is a drug addict. Would you expect your drug addicted 16 year old to fall into line while she's high? No. You wait until she has gone through withdrawal. Exposure and NO CONTACT with the OM is what causes the withdrawal. Once withdrawal is complete, she may or may not return to who she used to be. We can't guarantee that. But it's a better chance than you have in any other scenario.

 

You mean if she doesn't comply - divorce.

Yes. At least START to divorce.

 

I'm definitely not going to call 3rd parties to convince her to stay of that's what you mean. If she wants to be with someone else,, that's her choice... Just not while being married to me. I think I and her will be on the same page - if it comes that far.

No, it's not what I mean.

 

You don't understand - yet - what exposure means. Affairs thrive on one thing - secrecy. That's what makes it thrilling. That's what makes it so wonderful to have secret sex and wonder if your spouse is wondering where you are, and laughing together about your clueless spouses (unless your wife picked a player, in which case he's just there for the screw).

 

Once a person goes down that road to cheating, they start rewriting history (making their marriage so bad they HAD to cheat), or they start making up lies about things to justify it so they can look at themselves in the mirror, or they just plain hate themselves but can't help the addiction.

 

We don't know which one your wife is. But we do know one thing. Your wife does NOT want her VIPs - the people in her life whose respect she craves - knowing the very bad thing she's doing. As long as they don't know, she'll figure out a way to have her cake and eat it too.

 

But shine light on the affair, expose to her VIPs, and suddenly, she has to make a choice: end the affair and try to get back in their good graces, or go full balls ahead and try to MAKE them accept the 'new' her, cheating and all. If she chooses the former, you have a chance at saving your marriage. If she chooses the latter, you're better of knowing now and moving on.

 

You aren't asking those people to do ANYTHING. It would be nice if they would call her up and give her holy hell for doing such a despicable thing, they didn't raise her to be so bad and all that. But you never know. It's a crap shoot. But even if they side with her, she still now has a choice to make.

 

THAT is why you expose. It's the single most powerful weapon you have in ending her affair and getting her back. The second single most powerful weapon you have to get her back is swift, immediate filing for divorce and making her EARN you back. Women CRAVE strong men. They NEED them. Your wife's d*ck of a AP was strong; he went for what he wanted. If you want her back, show her your strength.

 

Expose, wait for her anger to die down, and see what she does next. File for divorce, and see what she does next. These are time-tested proven methods. But they require you having the balls to do it. It's scary. People won't understand. But you'll be more likely to have the outcome you seek.

 

Do nothing, wait for her to STOP being a drug addict, and, well, you'll get what most BHs get: divorced and seeing your kids on the weekends.

[merrmeade]

I'm definitely not going to call 3rd parties to convince her to stay of that's what you mean. If she wants to be with someone else,, that's her choice... Just not while being married to me. I think I and her will be on the same page - if it comes that far.

That's not why you expose. There are several reasons but getting her to come back is not one of them. It is one thing that breaks the bubble and makes it real - breaks up the affair fog, makes them see themselves as others see them. Also the other people need to know - kids, parents, work. No exposure; no consequence. Don't short-change the importance of exposure for both BS and WS. Also helps the BS, who otherwise suffers in silence alone.

 

But. We're getting ahead of ourselves. Get the proof first.

[turnera]

To make it a little easier, when you expose, tell her VIPs this: I love W and I want her to be happy; it's clear she's addicted to the high of this affair and not being herself. I just want a clear playing field. Get rid of the OM. See if we can work this out in therapy, once he's gone and she's no longer 'high' on the drug of the affair. And if we try for six months or so, and she still thinks she needs to be away from me and split our kids up in two homes, I'll abide by her wishes. But if she just says that now, while she's basically a drug addict? No. I won't agree and just walk away and hand my family over to some scum who broke up our family, not without fighting for my wife and my kids.

 

That way they'll understand why you're doing this and just might understand the psychology behind cheating. And just might support her and give her a good tongue lashing.

[Noirek]

We are kind of putting the cart before the horse here OP, but just so you know exposure is One option. No one else has a right or need to know but you. It is your choice and your call if and when the time calls. Many BS wish they had kept it private. Many wish they had put an ad in the newspaper. There is no one size fits all.

 

However, If you discover an affair. Your wife sees the hurt and pain on your faces and knows that divorce is on the table. And you think you have to punish her or heap consequences on her to get her to submit to your will, than it may be time to reconsider R. Scorched earth policy on affairs can be very damaging to you, your children and people who really don't want to be dragged into your marriage. It is a good idea to think things through before you go painting the scarlet A on your wife's forehead.

 

But once again, this is a little ahead of the game and not something you are really at yet.

[Drone117]

Oh boy. Big giant red flag.

 

You need access to her work email.

 

While it's not the best news, I'm not sure if this is such a big red flag. I get you are thinking the whole team returned Thursday, and my wife stayed with the lover, it is normal for their team to return on different days. So zone r this could be nothing.

[Drone117]

Turnera, Noirek and Merrmeade,

 

Thanks, your responses were spot on, and as close to the plan i need but don't have. I see the logic in these posts, some is clear, some I'm uneasy with but can't put together why.

 

In any case, all depends on what I'm able to discover and how far did it go. Not that I ever seen myself ooh this situation, I'm certain some things will mean an instant end for me.

 

Irrespective from how my balls measure by Rockwell.

[Buckeye2]

Before you confront have methods of monitoring her communications in place. It feels good to reveal all the proof you've gathered but don’t do it. Your wife knows what she did because she was there. If you spill your guts all you’re doing is telling her what you know. Then she can make up a story that fits.

 

Hold back as much information as you can. Keep some in reserve to check out the story she gives you. For example if you find two hotel receipts tell her that you found one and see what she says. When she says she only stayed in the hotel once then you can say that you know for a fact that she isn’t telling you the truth. Let her give you a number.

 

Never reveal your methods (GPS, VAR, etc.) because once you do it’s gone. Let her assume that friends saw them or that you hired a PI.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, there was a guy using the moniker Zinger whose case resembled yours to some extent. He was posting on this forum some months ago. Maybe reading his thread will be of use to you. See if you want to do that. Warm wishes.

[WilyWill]

Maybe I missed something, but I really think you should get the VAR in place as soon as possible. There is a Sony model available at Best Buy that many people speak highly of. My guess is that you'll have all the proof you need as soon as she makes a call to her AP from her car.

 

Buckeye is right. When you reveal what you know, you should hold back. Lead her to believe that you know much more than you actually do.

 

Hang in there. You got this.

[Drone117]

Hi Drone, there was a guy using the moniker Zinger whose case resembled yours to some extent. He was posting on this forum some months ago. Maybe reading his thread will be of use to you. See if you want to do that. Warm wishes.

 

Sure, thanks. I will check it out. I'm trying not to read these threads anymore as they make more seeing things that may not be there. Example, my moniker (user name) is drone, that's what I use. Believe me or not, I got a video popped on my YouTube channel about the guy who caught his wife cheating using the drone.

[Drone117]

Maybe I missed something, but I really think you should get the VAR in place as soon as possible. There is a Sony model available at Best Buy that many people speak highly of. My guess is that you'll have all the proof you need as soon as she makes a call to her AP from her car.

 

Buckeye is right. When you reveal what you know, you should hold back. Lead her to believe that you know much more than you actually do.

 

Hang in there. You got this.

 

I will be taking to an expert about var later this week. The legality seems grey to me.