How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[S2B]

The party thing nearly ended our relationship. She has become very one sided and almost incapable of doing anything. It's very frustrating to say the least. My son was crying so bad when she told him she wouldn't take him to the B-Day party and she wasn't going to cave. My dad neglected me as a child and I would never do that with my son. Needless to say I took him and I ended up sleeping on the couch for nearly a week.

 

For her not to take him this morning there is no excuse for that. Our son goes crazy whenever he needs a shot and was freaking out about the strep test. However, it's no reason for her not to take him.

 

He had to go to a gastro specialist a few months ago and it ended up being an 11 hour appointment. We knew we would be there for at least 8. Needless to say that morning she DIDN'T FEEL GOOD. She obviously didn't go.

 

I'm so frustrated and the more I think about this and the less she does the more I don't think I want to be in this relationship any longer.

 

You're basically living without another person to partner up with you.

 

But for her not to be willing to take a sick/crying child to Theseus unforgivable...in ny opinion.

 

When you file for divorce -file for sole custody. She shouldn't be left alone with any child if she won't get up at night to care for him and take him to basic appointments and gatherings.

 

 

I'd bet money she suddenly becomes capable of doing more and often when she realizes you are over it and want out.

[What-2-Do]

You're basically living without another person to partner up with you.

 

But for her not to be willing to take a sick/crying child to Theseus unforgivable...in ny opinion.

 

When you file for divorce -file for sole custody. She shouldn't be left alone with any child if she won't get up at night to care for him and take him to basic appointments and gatherings.

 

 

I'd bet money she suddenly becomes capable of doing more and often when she realizes you are over it and want out.

 

She's mostly a great mother. However, she has refused to take him to his Dr. appointments because he freaks out with shots etc. I think she needs to suck it up and take him.

 

Her rationale was that she got up Friday night with him so Saturday was my turn. I didn't know we had to take turns and if that was the case I wouldn't need to go to another appointment for years.

 

I def. feel that I don't have a partner and I'm navigating this world 100% solo.

[S2B]

A "great mother" doesn't allow a child to cry while in pain and a great mother doesn't bribe a child to miss out on social gatherings.

 

She isn't a great mother. I think you're justifying her behavior when it is less than adequate and borders on abuse and neglect!

[Noirek]

The chronic complaining about pain was something she did mostly in passing. Pretty much not a day would go by where she didn't comment that she had a headache or backache or whatever. Not sure if she was being honest or if she was looking for sympathy. I honestly have no idea. I stopped hearing it years ago when I could no longer listen.

 

I've said it a million times that this goes way beyond the lack of sex and intimacy. You criticize me because I want my wife to put effort into the relationship and I want her to look sexy every now and again. Doesn't make me a bad person. Any man that says he doesn't care how his girl looks and could care less if she put zero effort into her she presents herself is simply lying.

 

And yet no reply on your reaction to her biting her nails until they bleed. Of course nothing is wrong with wanting a wife to look sexy but it seems rather trivial doesn't it. She does nothing for you or your son. At least you give no examples except to say she is mostly a great mother. She doesn't sound like one at all. She sounds selfish and even now her illness sounds questionable.

 

Therefore sex and her looking sexy don't matter. Your needs don't matter. Your son does. You need to consider the advice for full custody. If she has become a shut in she we not provide a good home for your son. Do you really want to see if she steps up if you aren't there? That could be disasterous. Focus on your son right now. He needs you.

[BettyDraper]

The chronic complaining about pain was something she did mostly in passing. Pretty much not a day would go by where she didn't comment that she had a headache or backache or whatever. Not sure if she was being honest or if she was looking for sympathy. I honestly have no idea. I stopped hearing it years ago when I could no longer listen.

 

I've said it a million times that this goes way beyond the lack of sex and intimacy. You criticize me because I want my wife to put effort into the relationship and I want her to look sexy every now and again. Doesn't make me a bad person. Any man that says he doesn't care how his girl looks and could care less if she put zero effort into her she presents herself is simply lying.

 

Nobody wants to be married to someone who doesn't care about her appearance. Men are especially visually oriented and women certainly appreciate men who try to look nice. Refusing to look after yourself is a sign of low self esteem as well as disrespect for your partner. It's not like you're expecting your wife to look like a model; you just want her to fix herself up and stop acting like a sloth.

 

It sounds like your wife isn't willing to ANYTHING. She just wants to lie in bed while you take care of your son and every other matter. If she's depressed, she could have had that treated by now. Your wife recently showed you that she can be sexual if she wants. The problem is she just doesn't care enough about your marriage or your son to do better.

[BaileyB]

Your wife has mental health issues and you are very enabling. Having read all of your posts, this is the bottom line.

[What-2-Do]

Nobody wants to be married to someone who doesn't care about her appearance. Men are especially visually oriented and women certainly appreciate men who try to look nice. Refusing to look after yourself is a sign of low self esteem as well as disrespect for your partner. It's not like you're expecting your wife to look like a model; you just want her to fix herself up and stop acting like a sloth.

 

It sounds like your wife isn't willing to ANYTHING. She just wants to lie in bed while you take care of your son and every other matter. If she's depressed, she could have had that treated by now. Your wife recently showed you that she can be sexual if she wants. The problem is she just doesn't care enough about your marriage or your son to do better.

 

Last night she decided she wanted to take care of me. As soon as I tried touching her she wouldn't let me. Her response was that she hadn't taken a shower since Friday morning and it was now Sunday night. Are you F-ing kidding me??? You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ALL weekend and you couldn't even take a shower. Needless to say nothing happened and I turned her down for a lame hand job.

 

It is very clear she is extremely selfish yet she will never admit it.

[BluesPower]

It is not just the selfishness...

 

She is in a deep, deep depression, and since she won't get help for it she will stay that way.

 

The best way ironically for you to "save" your marriage may be to file for divorce and have her served. Is she dose not get off the couch then you can just continue with the process.

 

You just need to do it and see what happens...

[What-2-Do]

I think a lot of you may be right and that it's time to just move on. I can't depend on her for ANYTHING AT ALL. She can work full time but whenever I need her for ANYTHING she doesn't feel good. It's just so convenient for her to have this excuse at the drop of a dime.

 

I came out and asked her today when we could have sex again. Her response was "I don't know we'll have to play it by ear." F-That. She is unwilling to put any effort in for anything.

 

I already filled out all the divorce paperwork. Maybe it's time to just file it.

[BluesPower]

Yes, just file them. I may wake her up and it may not.

 

But just don't waste anymore time on someone that just can't be bothered with you and your families needs.

[What-2-Do]

Yes, just file them. I may wake her up and it may not.

 

But just don't waste anymore time on someone that just can't be bothered with you and your families needs.

 

Another example of her lack of caring is for Thanksgiving. A little backstory: My brother had an affair on his wife many years ago. He came clean and they got a divorce. He's currently still with the woman he had the affair with and they've been together for 3 years now. My wife refuses to meet her because she has no respect for her.

 

My dad has been in and out of the hospital for a good portion of this year. He's not long for this world. While he was sick she never once went to visit him. My brothers girlfriend saw him every single day. She totally stepped up to the plate.

 

Anyways, with Thanksgiving on Thursday we are having it at my dads house. My brother and his g/f are cooking and he'll have my nieces, I will be bringing my son and now my wife is refusing to go. She keeps saying that she has no intention on meeting his g/f and that she won't be nice to her. I asked her nicely to just stay civil and go there for me and our son. She says she isn't sure if she can go and get this..... SHE'LL HAVE TO SEE HOW SHE FEELS THAT MORNING.

 

Funny, she's at work right now and NO ISSUES. I asked her to come by my business after work and hang out for a little and she said she can't. I'm going to talk to her tonight when I get home and ask her why she checked out.

[MidwestUSA]

Talking is pointless at this point; she's a brick wall.

 

I threw up in my mouth a little at your post about her not showering but offering to take care of you.

 

Just file.

[What-2-Do]

Talking is pointless at this point; she's a brick wall.

 

I threw up in my mouth a little at your post about her not showering but offering to take care of you.

 

Just file.

 

I agree 1000%. Who does that? She's never been a dirty person but who knows what the hell is going on with her... She's clearly dealing with some heavy issues. Who doesn't shower for days?

[S2B]

What kind of work does she do? Does she work full time? Has she missed much work due to her "illness"?

 

I bet she may be less sick and more willing if she knew you would divorce her for not participating in your marriage.

[What-2-Do]

What kind of work does she do? Does she work full time? Has she missed much work due to her "illness"?

 

I bet she may be less sick and more willing if she knew you would divorce her for not participating in your marriage.

 

She works full time as a teacher. When she first got sick she missed a lot of work. Luckily, that was at the end of last school year and then she had the summer off. She went back and has only missed 2-3 days so far this year.

 

She knows I'm ready to leave and divorce her. When we talk about it she just says that all she can focus on is her getting healthy. I explained that she is still a mother and a wife and she needs to put some effort into both. She says she does the best she can which we all know is not true.

 

When we would argue before she was sick about her lack of effort in our relationship she would respond pretty much the same way that she tries her best and this is who she is and I need to stop trying to change her. I explain to her I'm not trying to change her I'm trying to have an actual relationship and not just be a roommate.

 

I'm giving things until Thanksgiving. If she blows us off and stays home then I'm filing for divorce. She made the comment that she won't be around my brothers g/f and I reminded her how her brothers wife disrespected me and our son hundreds of times before I disowned her. I still went to family functions and was civil with her. I hate her more than words can describe yet I muster up the character to be nice to her. I also explained that unlike this situation my brothers g/f did nothing to my wife.

[BluesPower]

You know I think you are bargaining in your head. "I will give it till TG".

 

Really that makes not difference, she has checked out of your relationship and she does not seem to realize it or, she does not care.

 

You just need to file. The sooner you start proceedings the sooner she either wakes up or she doesn't, and the sooner you can start to live your life with or without her.

[BettyDraper]

She works full time as a teacher. When she first got sick she missed a lot of work. Luckily, that was at the end of last school year and then she had the summer off. She went back and has only missed 2-3 days so far this year.

 

She knows I'm ready to leave and divorce her. When we talk about it she just says that all she can focus on is her getting healthy. I explained that she is still a mother and a wife and she needs to put some effort into both. She says she does the best she can which we all know is not true.

 

When we would argue before she was sick about her lack of effort in our relationship she would respond pretty much the same way that she tries her best and this is who she is and I need to stop trying to change her. I explain to her I'm not trying to change her I'm trying to have an actual relationship and not just be a roommate.

 

I'm giving things until Thanksgiving. If she blows us off and stays home then I'm filing for divorce. She made the comment that she won't be around my brothers g/f and I reminded her how her brothers wife disrespected me and our son hundreds of times before I disowned her. I still went to family functions and was civil with her. I hate her more than words can describe yet I muster up the character to be nice to her. I also explained that unlike this situation my brothers g/f did nothing to my wife.

 

Adults remain civil around family members whom they dislike. Your wife is being childish and making yet another excuse.

I'm glad that you have enough of a backbone to file for divorce. Lots of men would stay and tolerate this foolishness for the rest of their lives.

[wmacbride]

There's a pretty basic list of reasons why a woman doesn't want to have sex with you....

 

* Hormones (See a specialist. Not just the basic GP list.)

* Medications (Its a common side effect. Even contraceptives)

* Romance. Trust. Intimacy.

* Sex Appeal (Are you making yourself unattractive? Breath, BO etc.?)

 

* She's checked out. She just not that into you.

* She's not a sexual person. (Has she ever been sexual?)

 

.....All of those things are within control except the last!

 

Some great points have been made above. I'm a chronic spine pain patient. I've also had several other major health conditions in the last couple of years including women's cancer & surgery 'down there'.

 

Feeling sick, frightened & in pain makes me WANT closeness & affection. I might not always be capable of a full-on long session but there are always lots of snugly, sexy, loving stuff to do....So WHY don't I always want to be naked in my H's arms?

 

I know my answers. You need to find your wife's.

 

Note - I (most of the time) agree with the member who said that being asked for a BJ or whatever is actually a TURN OFF for me. When I'm not feeling 100% my instinctive response is "No! I don't feel like it". Doing things that make ME want to 'beg' for sex is far more effective. :eek:

 

I[m also a woman who has chronic health issues that cause pain and need medication ( medical cannabis oil with a high content of canniboids), and over the years, I have talked to many women who are in your wife's position.

 

I know this might freak some men out to hear it, but some of the time when a woman has a chronic illness and isn't interested in sex, there is a more going on than meets the eye.

 

Think of it this way. Say you have come home after having the worst day possible at work and you have the flu. You have also been distant from your wife. Basically, you feel like crap. As soon as you get in the door, your wife runs up to you and starts asking you to cuddle, dance, listen to her talk about her day, whatever. Normally, you would be okay with that, but on that day, you feel terrible, you are upset, and it doesn't interest you. You have too much on your mind.

 

That could be where your wife is. People who have a chronic illness where the course and outcome isn't known are often scared, isolated and mentally and physically exhausted. When you feel that way,it takes a lot of closeness to want sex.

 

Op, I know it sounds like I am blaming you, but I'm not. What I am suggesting is that you sit down with her ( and not in the bedroom) and have a long talk. Maybe even drive somewhere, pick up some food and talk while you are parked. Neutral ground. Ask her to listen to you while you explain how you have been feeling. Write it all out first and give it to her if that helps you to get your thoughts organized. Explain to her that you love her and want not be close to her, that wanting sex with her isn't just a physical need-it's because you want to feel close to her. You want her to feel just as close to her. tell her all about how you have been feeling, and how difficult this has been for you, that it's hurting you to not be with her physically.

 

Ask her why she doesn't want sex, and if there is anything that you can do to help make it easier for her. Tell her what you need from her, and find out what she needs from you. Be honest, and let her see how hard this has been on you and that it hurts you emotionally to feel like she doesn't want you. Explain how important she is to you,and that you want to express that in a loving way. Keep the honesty up and tell her how bad it makes you feel to be rejected, and that you want to make things right between the two of you. Ask her what steps she feels the two of need to take to put sex back on the table, and give her some time to think about it.

 

One you feel like the conversation is winding down, ask her if the two of you can both think about what was said and set a time to talk about it some more. Keep that appointment with each other.

 

This is just my opinion, and maybe I'm totally wrong, but so often in society, it's made to seem as if men only want sex because it's a physical urge and that there is little emotion behind it. I think that's selling men really short. Sex gives them a chance to express love and be open with a woman ( or , if he is gay, a man). It's so important in a relationship.

 

Sorry to be so long winded, but I hope it helps you a bit.

[wmacbride]

Another example of her lack of caring is for Thanksgiving. A little backstory: My brother had an affair on his wife many years ago. He came clean and they got a divorce. He's currently still with the woman he had the affair with and they've been together for 3 years now. My wife refuses to meet her because she has no respect for her.

 

My dad has been in and out of the hospital for a good portion of this year. He's not long for this world. While he was sick she never once went to visit him. My brothers girlfriend saw him every single day. She totally stepped up to the plate.

 

Anyways, with Thanksgiving on Thursday we are having it at my dads house. My brother and his g/f are cooking and he'll have my nieces, I will be bringing my son and now my wife is refusing to go. She keeps saying that she has no intention on meeting his g/f and that she won't be nice to her. I asked her nicely to just stay civil and go there for me and our son. She says she isn't sure if she can go and get this..... SHE'LL HAVE TO SEE HOW SHE FEELS THAT MORNING.

 

Funny, she's at work right now and NO ISSUES. I asked her to come by my business after work and hang out for a little and she said she can't. I'm going to talk to her tonight when I get home and ask her why she checked out.

 

um, no offense, but I've been where your wife is when it comes to having an in-law who was a former ow. I didn't respect her either.

 

it's very possible that your w was hurt by cheating in he past- maybe a former boyfriend cheated on her, and this makes it difficult for her to want to be around your brother's former ow.

 

I'm not saying she's right, but that I can understand it.

[Mz. Pixie]

Wow, wow, just so much to say-

 

I'm confused as to why regular medical insurance isn't covering her treatment and illness? It is recognized by the medical community. That to me sounds like she didn't actually test positive for it- did you see the tests etc? Talk with the doctor?

 

She continues to work everyday. Sounds like her symptoms escalate whenever you're around or she has to do something else. She's spoiled and selfish.

 

Not taking your son to the doctor when he was screaming and sick? Unacceptable in my opinion.

 

Ladies on here may be bashing you for wanting her to take care of her appearance, I will not. You have every right to want your wife to be attractive- that is one of your emotional needs, and the emotional needs of many men. Doesn't make you a pig.

 

You are functioning as almost a single parent. She is working, but other than that she is letting you take full care of the house and the responsibilities. It's LYME, not CANCER!!!!

 

I have fibro, and recently I had Epstein Barr, and I felt like poo but I still took care of my mans needs. It's not fair for you to not have some of your needs met at some point or another, ever!!!!

 

It's not as if she was the most giving selfless thing before she was sick. She's milking this illness. And I am afraid that will not change.

 

If she refuses counseling, please file for divorce.

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh and thanksgiving is not all about her- go to the event with your son and have a good time. Don't let her make you feel guilty.

[What-2-Do]

Wow, wow, just so much to say-

 

I'm confused as to why regular medical insurance isn't covering her treatment and illness? It is recognized by the medical community. That to me sounds like she didn't actually test positive for it- did you see the tests etc? Talk with the doctor?

 

She continues to work everyday. Sounds like her symptoms escalate whenever you're around or she has to do something else. She's spoiled and selfish.

 

Not taking your son to the doctor when he was screaming and sick? Unacceptable in my opinion.

 

Ladies on here may be bashing you for wanting her to take care of her appearance, I will not. You have every right to want your wife to be attractive- that is one of your emotional needs, and the emotional needs of many men. Doesn't make you a pig.

 

You are functioning as almost a single parent. She is working, but other than that she is letting you take full care of the house and the responsibilities. It's LYME, not CANCER!!!!

 

I have fibro, and recently I had Epstein Barr, and I felt like poo but I still took care of my mans needs. It's not fair for you to not have some of your needs met at some point or another, ever!!!!

 

It's not as if she was the most giving selfless thing before she was sick. She's milking this illness. And I am afraid that will not change.

 

If she refuses counseling, please file for divorce.

 

Lyme can be very difficult to diagnose. When dealing with her primary doctor she wouldn't diagnose her with it because she only had 3 bands of a test and the CDC says it needs to be 5. She wouldn't prescribe anything to combat the symptoms etc. We sought out a Lyme Specialist that treats the symptoms and the test results. She's been on an aggressive treatment now for several months. The Dr. is outside of our insurance so it's not covered.

 

I agree with you with you regarding my emotional needs. I'm attracted to attractive women and I always have and always will. There are qualities that I like about them and it's a deal breaker if she's unwilling to accommodate. My wife knew this before we were ever married and things were great then and for the first several years. Then, they started slowly dropping off until she no longer did any of them.

 

As much as I want to try and fix my marriage I'm really not sure it is even worth fixing at this point.

[lovemebreakme]

 

I agree with you with you regarding my emotional needs. I'm attracted to attractive women and I always have and always will. There are qualities that I like about them and it's a deal breaker if she's unwilling to accommodate. My wife knew this before we were ever married and things were great then and for the first several years. Then, they started slowly dropping off until she no longer did any of them.

 

As much as I want to try and fix my marriage I'm really not sure it is even worth fixing at this point.

 

Could it be that she feel intimidated by you. It seems you put such a high standard of attractiveness, looks, and sex that you are ignoring her emotional needs. Lyme Disease may not directly affect her ability to have sex but sure could have an effect on her emotionally well being. Maybe she is not feeling loved by you and maybe hasn't for a few years. Maybe consider cutting back on your wants and just detaching from her. Don't do anything for her but don't demand anything in return.

 

Because it seems like what you are doing right now isn't working.

[rick2016]

It seems like quite a roller coaster ride, and from what i read, you need to start a new beginning.The people that have separated, i cannot think of any that have regretted it.You are still young, when your older it seems to be so much harder.

I cannot speak for every male out there, but i think when you have a wife that has no interest in sex, its not really about sex...it can be about just touching and holding each other, and you dont have to have sex to satisfy a man.

 

Your wife has pretty well checked out, until she thinks your on the edge of leaving, then she will have sex, to reel you in and confuse you.This is no way to live..i hope you can move on, there is something better out there for you.

[What-2-Do]

Could it be that she feel intimidated by you. It seems you put such a high standard of attractiveness, looks, and sex that you are ignoring her emotional needs. Lyme Disease may not directly affect her ability to have sex but sure could have an effect on her emotionally well being. Maybe she is not feeling loved by you and maybe hasn't for a few years. Maybe consider cutting back on your wants and just detaching from her. Don't do anything for her but don't demand anything in return.

 

Because it seems like what you are doing right now isn't working.

 

It is possible that she could be intimidated. I was heavily into bodybuilding for many years and last year I really focused on how I looked. I was jacked and ripped and looked awesome. (working to get back to that now) I got a ton of attention from women and she hated it. It was to the point she was saying that she hated the way I looked and that hugging me was like hugging a refrigerator.

 

Her female friends were constantly making comments to her about how I looked and I think it made her insecure. I also own a fitness gym and teach several of the classes. The classes are 99% female and several of our members over the years had a crush on me which she was aware of. I never would cross that line even if I was single.