How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[LexiCat29]

Really??? You're wrong there. except for getting the stuff off the back porch. I've tried every approach.

 

Ignoring her- didn't change anything

 

Being mean to her- didn't change anything

 

Being super comforting- didn't change anything

 

Being super supporting- didn't change anything

 

Listening to her about everything- didn't change anything

 

Doing everything without her- didn't change anything

 

changing my schedule to be home with her more- didn't change anything

 

hardly ever being home and when home staying downstairs- didn't change anything

 

asking for sex- didn't change anything

 

not asking for sex- didn't change anything

 

asking to go on a date- didn't change anything

 

not asking to go on a date- didn't change anything

 

planning something to do together- didn't change anything

 

What I don't see on that list is:

 

Having an actual conversation with her about how I feel and figuring out why our relationship is so terrible

 

She's not a mind reader..you can't expect her to know what's wrong unless you tell her.

 

Your approaches are all passive aggressive and they haven't gotten anything done. So instead of talking about it here..why don't you TELL HER everything that you've told us?

[What-2-Do]

What I don't see on that list is:

 

Having an actual conversation with her about how I feel and figuring out why our relationship is so terrible

 

She's not a mind reader..you can't expect her to know what's wrong unless you tell her.

 

Your approaches are all passive aggressive and they haven't gotten anything done. So instead of talking about it here..why don't you TELL HER everything that you've told us?

 

Believe me I've tried dozens and dozens of times. I bought the book His Needs Her Needs and I told her the book was written about us. I started by telling her the things I was missing out of doing for her and that I needed to focus on these things because I didn't even realize I wasn't doing them.

 

I mentioned about how we've drifted apart and I suggested she read the book and we formulate a plan based on our individual needs. She refused to read it and said she didn't want to talk about it.

[What-2-Do]

You love her but the resentment is making it hard to like her very much.

I completely understand why you would feel that way.

 

It's just hard to be sympathetic because you're determined to make it seem like your wife is causing all of the issues. Neither of you are blameless.

 

You can't control your wife. All you can control is your own behavior and how you respond to your wife's problems. If your wife was in love with you, she would be doing more as a wife and mom. She would also try to please you sexually in ways that do not aggravate her illness.

 

This is exactly how I feel and why I think it really might be time to just move on. As much as I want to believe that she will change when she gets better I honestly feel that she won't. The more I think about it the more I feel this is the new norm.

[5x5]

This is simply not true. I do love my wife but I'm very resentful towards her right now and I can't help it.

 

Loving someone doesn't mean you like them.

 

If a number of random strangers on the internet can easily discern your dislike for her. You can rest assure that your wife notices it as well.

 

Believe me I've tried dozens and dozens of times. I bought the book His Needs Her Needs and I told her the book was written about us. I started by telling her the things I was missing out of doing for her and that I needed to focus on these things because I didn't even realize I wasn't doing them.

 

Doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result is nothing but folly.

 

I mentioned about how we've drifted apart and I suggested she read the book and we formulate a plan based on our individual needs.

 

When are you going to appreciate the fact your wife isn't interested in conforming to your ideals, whenever she says you're "trying to change her and this is who she is"?

 

She refused to read it and said she didn't want to talk about it.

 

Your marital problems are far deeper than a lack of sex. When you ignore what she says "blah blah blah", of course she isn't going to keep wasting her breath on you.

 

This is exactly how I feel and why I think it really might be time to just move on.

 

How many times are you going to decide to move on and do absolutely nothing about it?

 

Why would your wife think you will do anything of consequence, when you twiddle your thumbs every time she calls your bluff?

[whichwayisup]

This is simply not true. I do love my wife but I'm very resentful towards her right now and I can't help it.

 

Then join a gym and get that bad and negative energy out there. Your wife is ILL and she can't help it. Accept that right now your sex life is on hold. And do counseling on your own so you can cope with it in a healthy way.

[What-2-Do]

Then join a gym and get that bad and negative energy out there. Your wife is ILL and she can't help it. Accept that right now your sex life is on hold. And do counseling on your own so you can cope with it in a healthy way.

 

I go to the gym 7 days a week.

[MJJean]

As the years have passed and I've reflected more than once on the failure of my first marriage I've come to the firm conviction that if I'd wandered, for perhaps even a short time, I'd probably still be married to her and all the heartache and pain, both emotional and financial that comes with divorce would have been circumvented.

 

Nice idea. Now let me explain to you how it ends up in reality.

 

A) The WS gets caught, the BS is devastated, and the emotional and financial pain of a divorce becomes amplified by the infidelity.

 

B) The WS develops feelings for a/the AP and the end result is still an expensive and painful divorce or a painful end to the affair when the AP decides to move on rather than be the side piece.

 

C) The WS never gets caught, never develops feelings, and the marriage is saved. Only it's not the same marriage that it was due to the covert infidelity creating distance and detachment below the surface.

 

A and B are MUCH more common outcomes than C.

[Mumbles]

Nice idea. Now let me explain to you how it ends up in reality.

 

A) The WS gets caught, the BS is devastated, and the emotional and financial pain of a divorce becomes amplified by the infidelity.

 

B) The WS develops feelings for a/the AP and the end result is still an expensive and painful divorce or a painful end to the affair when the AP decides to move on rather than be the side piece.

 

C) The WS never gets caught, never develops feelings, and the marriage is saved. Only it's not the same marriage that it was due to the covert infidelity creating distance and detachment below the surface.

 

A and B are MUCH more common outcomes than C.

 

Yes, yes, all true.

 

But ....

 

What are you trying to say between the lines here? That a divorce can (maybe -should-) be had and everyone walks away smiles and happy and able to save a friendship with the spouse afterwards because there was no infidelity? If not ... then what are we trying to save during and post divorce?

 

Divorce is an ugly horrible business. I've been there and mine was, in relative terms, amicable. But its still awful. Of course, one needs to do due diligence before moving ahead in -any- direction. Perhaps 'at fault' divorce exists in your state ... if so, caution.

 

A marriage that exists in the current situation, even if saved, will suffer c). To get to a point where divorce seems likely a lot of hurt and bad blood has already been suffered, things will never ever be the same as they were back in the honeymoon period - ever!

 

In many ways A) and B) reinforce my befuddlement, posted earlier, where it seems that some folks prefer going for the divorce over trying left of centre or out-of-the-box options for saving the marriage. People often say that you should try everything and anything to save your marriage, but its obvious to me that this statement is very qualified.

 

One way or another both partners here are going to emerge feeling differently about their marriage, if the marriage dissolves or is saved.

 

My comments of course reflect my own situation of several years ago. In mine my wife at the time actually suggested I go and see hookers. She was adamant that they be escorts, not 'friends' or friendly arrangements. The reason was to introduce money in lieu of feelings. I couldn't do that, and my ponderings here reflect the 'what if' feelings I sometimes still get around this.

 

Anyway, you've brought up some valid cautionary points, but no solutions. what have we got that we can move ahead with here? Assume that suck-it-up and no sex isn't a valid solution ... whats left to try? Straight for divorce? Can one actually look at ones self in the mirror afterwards and honestly say you tried -everything- to save the marriage?

[What-2-Do]

As much as I want to save this marriage I don't think it can be saved. I think it's beyond that point to be totally honest.

[whichwayisup]

As much as I want to save this marriage I don't think it can be saved. I think it's beyond that point to be totally honest.

 

Then pull the plug. Put yourself out of misery. Officially file for divorce. Be fair to your wife in the settlement.

[5x5]

As much as I want to save this marriage I don't think it can be saved. I think it's beyond that point to be totally honest.

 

Then divorce her like you said you were doing last month.

[Bufo]

Get out of Limbo one way or another. It's no place to be.

[Noirek]

I think the OP is trying to state that he wants the relationship to work and wants this relationship with his wife.

 

The OP can want the relationship to work all he wants. He can have posters coddle him and hild his hand. He can tune out" women" despite the fact his wife is a woman and the best way to reach her or know what is going on would be to listen to the women.

 

The only double standard on this site is those precieved by sensitive thin skinned pansies who don't really read what the other person writes. (Of course there are double stadard posters. People like that exsist. They are usually the ones who love to bring up the gender thing) He doesn't like me calling him out on his obsessing over sex and missing huge huge red flags given off by his wife. So he gaslights and moans it is because I am a woman and don't get it. Men and women are more alike than different studies show. And individuals are far more different regardless of gender than a neat line down the gender line. I am the one with the higher sex drive. I lived in a sexless marriage where it was over a year and we had only did it 5 times. And nothing even resembling it in between.

 

And you do obsess. And you do think about little else. And masturbation does not cut it.

 

But our thoughts, feelings and actions are in our control if we work on changing them. OP cannot change his wife. If he really is the most amazing and perfect husband and father ever than she is probably the most unfrateful and worst wife either. Codependancy anyone? She is happy to keep him by throwing him his bone to obsess over once in a blue moon. But nothing changes. Except maybe get worse.

 

I have no idea how someone after that many years could change that much. Gradual change for sure but this seems pretty drastic and like some event or earlier mental illness cropped up. Maybe she waa a victim of assault or something? I dunno. She seems darkly depressed. I would be concerned about her welfare over it.

 

OP, you can't save your wife (marriage) if she doesn't want to be.

 

For those that want to make it a gender thing. Think of a girl who is married to a real jerk. She keeps hoping he will change and if she is the sweetest most willing at sex wife ever maybe he will be a good nice guy after all. Maybe she can change him. The advice is: you can't change a jerk. Leave him.

 

OP, your wife is a Jerk. Leave her. Divorce doesn't have to be final. Read the 180. Implement it with the purpose of divorce not winning her back. And take good care of your son. There are plenty of women who like havig sex with their spouse and doing things. If your half as awesome as you think you are, you'll find one of them. Or maybe, your wife will hit rock bottom without your enabling of her (because seriously two years is not long enough to have honestly given every mehod you mentioned a fair shot, specially if you minus out the 7 months of illness where change would have been improbable)

[BettyDraper]

It's funny because the women on here will dog me because I want to have sex with my wife. I'm a guy and sex is important to me. If you knew anything about guys you would see that sex is like oxygen to us.

 

If you were to be put on testosterone for a couple of weeks I can promise you that you wouldn't be able to function. Am I hyper focused on sex now? Of course I am. I'm horny as all hell. I came on here for advice not to be told to not care about sex.

 

If sex isn't important to you then so be it. Also, if you think your husbands would be with you without sex you're wrong. Unless there is something wrong with him.

 

Nobody is dogging you for wanting sex with your wife. The women who have responded are appalled by the way you make sex the singular focus of your marriage coupled by the contemptuous way you talk about your wife. Women don't want to have sex with disrespectful men who treat us like glory holes.

 

Sex is important to me just as it is to most normal and healthy adults. However, grown ups understand that sex is not the only reason to fall in love with someone or stay with them. Your responses read like those of a teenager who throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Looking for advice doesn't guarantee that you will be told what you want to hear.

[What-2-Do]

She starts a fight with me tonight over a non-issue. I own my own business and it's a fitness gym. Anyways, I need to hire more staff. One of the girls I interviewed I really like. Some of the other instructors have some issues with her but they won't admit it's because she is very fit and very attractive.

 

The other instructors told my wife that they feel this girl has a crush on me so now my wife is pissed saying I can't hire her. I explained to my wife that if she actually came the day we interviewed her she would see this girl is great. I already told the girl I was going to hire her and now she expects me to tell her that I made a mistake.

 

At the end of the day I can't hire instructors that don't motivate other members.

[elaine567]

She starts a fight with me tonight over a non-issue. I own my own business and it's a fitness gym. Anyways, I need to hire more staff. One of the girls I interviewed I really like. Some of the other instructors have some issues with her but they won't admit it's because she is very fit and very attractive.

 

The other instructors told my wife that they feel this girl has a crush on me so now my wife is pissed saying I can't hire her. I explained to my wife that if she actually came the day we interviewed her she would see this girl is great. I already told the girl I was going to hire her and now she expects me to tell her that I made a mistake.

 

At the end of the day I can't hire instructors that don't motivate other members.

 

Yeah, keep telling yourself that...

You are now allowing sex to dictate your business.

I guess, you have in your mind hired a potential OW for yourself, and now have upset your team, not to mention your wife...

[whichwayisup]

Some of the other instructors have some issues with her but they won't admit it's because she is very fit and very attractive.

 

Have you specifically asked the other instructors why they have issues with this other girl? Maybe talk to them all to find out their reasons instead of assuming that it's because YOU think the above, bolded. I highly doubt that's their reason. As for your wife, well, you now have a choice, upset her more or try to use this a time to sit and talk to her honestly, lay it all out on the table, mention divorce and how unhappy you are. That you'd rather leave and be on your own than cheat on her because you aren't getting any sex. That's the reason why you want to end your marriage ,right? All about the bedroom?

 

Would you be considering divorce if you had sex regularly? What about all the other issues in your marriage, do they count or not so much if you're having sex. ?

[Sweetfish]

The OP can want the relationship to work all he wants. He can have posters coddle him and hild his hand. He can tune out" women" despite the fact his wife is a woman and the best way to reach her or know what is going on would be to listen to the women.

 

The only double standard on this site is those precieved by sensitive thin skinned pansies who don't really read what the other person writes. (Of course there are double stadard posters. People like that exsist. They are usually the ones who love to bring up the gender thing) He doesn't like me calling him out on his obsessing over sex and missing huge huge red flags given off by his wife. So he gaslights and moans it is because I am a woman and don't get it. Men and women are more alike than different studies show. And individuals are far more different regardless of gender than a neat line down the gender line. I am the one with the higher sex drive. I lived in a sexless marriage where it was over a year and we had only did it 5 times. And nothing even resembling it in between.

 

Interesting

 

Yeah.. he is obsessing over sex.. because its been 2 years. Men and women are not the same in this department...but believe what you want.

 

This is about gender because one of his needs is sex. Testosterone which you lack is vital to a man. But apparently you can give advice to a man who's drives are unique to men as a women needs are unique to women. Testosterone is a factor in making men cheat. So yes eventually he is going to want to cheat, so his other chose is to divorce

 

I've read what the OP has written and yes he has behaved in a manner that has been noted as cringe worthy.. but no one is perfect and the OP never said he was perfect either..

 

 

His defense mechanism are on high because he is being bashed for wanting sex.

 

There are other thread women have created that are similar..not in retro spec to sex..but needs that are not being meet and the atmosphere is so different. So call me thin skinned or sensitive.. I will call it as I see it.

 

Alot of people here always pull out the Divorce card like its easy.. until its staring them dead in the face. Divorce will not go well in his favor because he is a man and i know many men who will not divorce because they are a man. On top of that he has a business. Maybe for you Noirek divorce for you means nothing to lose.. but for the OP it can be crushing.

[Sweetfish]

She starts a fight with me tonight over a non-issue. I own my own business and it's a fitness gym. Anyways, I need to hire more staff. One of the girls I interviewed I really like. Some of the other instructors have some issues with her but they won't admit it's because she is very fit and very attractive.

 

The other instructors told my wife that they feel this girl has a crush on me so now my wife is pissed saying I can't hire her. I explained to my wife that if she actually came the day we interviewed her she would see this girl is great. I already told the girl I was going to hire her and now she expects me to tell her that I made a mistake.

 

At the end of the day I can't hire instructors that don't motivate other members.

 

is it because the other instructors are females?

 

My next question is are you going to use this as a ploy to motivate your instructors or wife?

[5x5]

Then divorce her

 

Alot of people here always pull out the Divorce card like its easy.. until its staring them dead in the face. Divorce will not go well in his favor because he is a man and i know many men who will not divorce because they are a man. On top of that he has a business. Maybe for you Noirek divorce for you means nothing to lose.. but for the OP it can be crushing.

 

I'm glad I got divorced when I did.

 

Since I don't frighten easily, I would have no problem getting divorced again if my marriage irreconcilably went tits up.

 

At the end of the day though if the OP doesn't like his marriage, he can do something about it or not.

 

If he chooses to do nothing of consequence, he will remain in a prison of his own making.

 

The reality is complaining about something to no end, seldom attracts much sympathy.

[BaileyB]

 

The reality is complaining about something to no end, seldom attracts much sympathy.

 

And this is becoming the truth of this discussion.

[What-2-Do]

Interesting

 

Yeah.. he is obsessing over sex.. because its been 2 years. Men and women are not the same in this department...but believe what you want.

 

This is about gender because one of his needs is sex. Testosterone which you lack is vital to a man. But apparently you can give advice to a man who's drives are unique to men as a women needs are unique to women. Testosterone is a factor in making men cheat. So yes eventually he is going to want to cheat, so his other chose is to divorce

 

I've read what the OP has written and yes he has behaved in a manner that has been noted as cringe worthy.. but no one is perfect and the OP never said he was perfect either..

 

 

His defense mechanism are on high because he is being bashed for wanting sex.

 

There are other thread women have created that are similar..not in retro spec to sex..but needs that are not being meet and the atmosphere is so different. So call me thin skinned or sensitive.. I will call it as I see it.

 

Alot of people here always pull out the Divorce card like its easy.. until its staring them dead in the face. Divorce will not go well in his favor because he is a man and i know many men who will not divorce because they are a man. On top of that he has a business. Maybe for you Noirek divorce for you means nothing to lose.. but for the OP it can be crushing.

 

This is so true. As a guy I need sex. As I said in previous statements if women were to take testosterone they wouldn't be able to function. There have been experiments with doing exactly that and the women couldn't handle it. I'm sorry but I am a guy, I workout all the time, I have a high sex drive, I own a fitness gym, I'm in great shape, I have women flirting with me, and I can't even have sex with my wife. Yes, it's driving me insane.

 

Sex isn't the only thing wrong with my relationship. My wife and I no longer communicate well at all. She will focus on a small detail that really is irrelevant in my business and make it a major detail. Example.... a member wants to cancel their membership. I say to just cancel it and move on and she will fight tooth and nail and stress me out about it to no extent. If the member just came to me and I cancelled it that would be the end of it. However, she will then fight with me saying I'm too easy and too nice. At the end of the day I don't want to piss off all my customers and have negative reviews all over the place. I feel I need to do what's right.

 

I also need to have a relationship with my wife. As I said before we haven't gone on a date in over 2 years now. I need to have adult time with my wife. I also need to do activities with my wife which we haven't done in forever. She gets mad because I go to the gym every day yet she expects me to skip the gym to stay home and watch her watch tv.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy here from a bunch of strangers. It's OK if sex and having a relationship isn't important to you but it is to me and I'm not ashamed of that.

[What-2-Do]

You guys talk about just divorcing her like I'm throwing away an old pair of underwear. Then, I say I'm going to divorce her and everyone on here jumps down my throat. It's a difficult decision to make and I don't gain much of anything in the process. I lose my house, half my savings, all my furniture, a stable home for my son, half my business, a ton of money for the divorce, and my wife.

 

I would much rather fix the problems in my marriage but i don't think they can be fixed. I've been planning on just moving out and moving on. It's hard and I don't want to make a rash decision that I will always regret.

 

It's funny because I read so many other posts on here with cheating spouses and you are more accepting of them and their HORRIBLE actions yet all I'm looking for is a normal relationship with my wife. A relationship that we had for 13 years and one that has changed over the past 2. We always had sex 3 times per week, went on dates, and did things together.

[elaine567]

I also need to do activities with my wife which we haven't done in forever. She gets mad because I go to the gym every day yet she expects me to skip the gym to stay home and watch her watch tv.

 

You are not spending your leisure time why your wife but then expect her to just put out for you.

It doesn't work like that, women need connection with men, and if that means spending time watching TV with her then so be it.

By going to the gym 7 days a week, you are introducing distance and distance is pretty much a passion killer as far as most women are concerned.

She is letting you know what is wrong, listen to her.

[What-2-Do]

Who knows, maybe she had an affair two years ago and that's the issue. I have no idea.