How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[What-2-Do]

You are not spending your leisure time why your wife but then expect her to just put out for you.

It doesn't work like that, women need connection with men, and if that means spending time watching TV with her then so be it.

By going to the gym 7 days a week, you are introducing distance and distance is pretty much a passion killer as far as most women are concerned.

She is letting you know what is wrong, listen to her.

 

I sit with her while she watches TV EVERY SINGLE DAY.... We watch she wants to watch as I hate TV. I go to the gym when she's at work during the week so that's not an issue. I go in the mornings on the weekends while she watches TV. She never wants to go anywhere and do the things I want to do. It has to be a 2 way street.

[BaileyB]

This is so true. As a guy I need sex. As I said in previous statements if women were to take testosterone they wouldn't be able to function. There have been experiments with doing exactly that and the women couldn't handle it. I'm sorry but I am a guy, I workout all the time, I have a high sex drive, I own a fitness gym, I'm in great shape, I have women flirting with me, and I can't even have sex with my wife. Yes, it's driving me insane.

 

Sex isn't the only thing wrong with my relationship. My wife and I no longer communicate well at all. She will focus on a small detail that really is irrelevant in my business and make it a major detail. Example.... a member wants to cancel their membership. I say to just cancel it and move on and she will fight tooth and nail and stress me out about it to no extent. If the member just came to me and I cancelled it that would be the end of it. However, she will then fight with me saying I'm too easy and too nice. At the end of the day I don't want to piss off all my customers and have negative reviews all over the place. I feel I need to do what's right.

 

I also need to have a relationship with my wife. As I said before we haven't gone on a date in over 2 years now. I need to have adult time with my wife. I also need to do activities with my wife which we haven't done in forever. She gets mad because I go to the gym every day yet she expects me to skip the gym to stay home and watch her watch tv.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy here from a bunch of strangers. It's OK if sex and having a relationship isn't important to you but it is to me and I'm not ashamed of that.

 

Obviously, sharing a loving personal and sexual relationship with your wife is important to a marriage. Without these things, it's not actually a marriage in any other way than on paper.

 

And obviously, the decision to divorce is a very significant, life changing decision.

 

If you have done the best that you can to make your marriage work, and the problem really is that your wife is not investing and the relationship is filled with conflict and lacks intimacy...

 

Then the question becomes, how long will you continue to stay in a relationship that is not meeting your needs? By your own admission, it has already been two years. She's given no indication that she intends to change. Divorce is hard, but so is staying in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs.

 

Complaining about the topics that are a source of conflict between you and your wife (ie. the people you hire at the gym, spending time at the gym vs watching tv with your wife), conjecture that she may have had an affair, getting frustrated with those who just don't understand - "sex may not be important to others but it is to you"... all just distractions. You can continue to focus on these things, or deal with the harsh reality that marriage seems to be ending and you need to do something about it...

Edited December 11, 2016 by BaileyB

[darkmoon]

do not ask directly for sex? my partner does, come on, we are talking about two people who know each other,

 

she could do something if not the full deed, plus the OP has been sweet to her, been indirect

 

she is lucky he has stayed lumbered for 2 years

Edited December 11, 2016 by darkmoon

[S2B]

I understand you want your old wife back. That's reasonable.

 

So sit her down and calmly tell her exactly what you want and how you expect the relationship to change. Include counseling for both of you to be capable of getting the changes necessary to obtain the goals.

 

Watch closely for her response. See if she is open to changing things.

 

If she is - great! If she's not - then you have a serious decision to make.

[whichwayisup]

Who knows, maybe she had an affair two years ago and that's the issue. I have no idea.

 

Then ask her! You're just as much to blame for your communication issues as she is.

 

Have a real honest conversation about everything. Hey, why not write her a long heartfelt and letter and sit by her while she reads it. Tell her how you feel and why, list all the things that you are unhappy about, as well as giving her options for an open marriage to marriage counseling and fixing things or divorce.

 

How life is, is NOT working for either of you. She's depressed and has lyme disease. She feels safe where she is so she doesn't have to change or make any effort. You want change, yet it's hard to change things when one person can't be bothered to put in any effort.

[What-2-Do]

Then ask her! You're just as much to blame for your communication issues as she is.

 

Have a real honest conversation about everything. Hey, why not write her a long heartfelt and letter and sit by her while she reads it. Tell her how you feel and why, list all the things that you are unhappy about, as well as giving her options for an open marriage to marriage counseling and fixing things or divorce.

 

How life is, is NOT working for either of you. She's depressed and has lyme disease. She feels safe where she is so she doesn't have to change or make any effort. You want change, yet it's hard to change things when one person can't be bothered to put in any effort.

 

No matter how I bring anything up she gets super defensive and will make comments like "fine you win." I'm not looking to win or lose but I am looking to be able to communicate. If I explain that I want things to get better she starts a fight. No matter how I say anything she gets defensive about it.

 

To me it just sounds like she's resentful. She mentioned this morning about go ahead and sleep with the new girl. In return I just said I don't understand why you're saying that and the only one I want to sleep with is you but you won't let me. Her response "whatever"

 

To me it does sound like the end of the line. I've come to accept that. I won't do anything until after this month is over because I don't want to ruin Christmas for my son. I think however, come January 1st things either change or I'm done.

 

I do know this new girl does have a crush on me and I can see how that will cause conflict. It may also be the motivation my wife needs that she needs to work to keep me around.

 

She's been super cuddly lately and I've been rather cold. I just don't want to touch her at all if she's just going to turn me down. I got braces a few months back and she hasn't even kissed me since I've gotten them. They are clear so you can hardly even tell I have them but that's how long things have gone.

 

She won't go to counseling and tomorrow I will write this letter to her. At this point she either needs to change and try or we just need to move on. Everyone on here is right that it's not fair to either of us living like this.

[BaileyB]

If she won't communicate with you and won't go to counselling, then you need to gather the courage and do what you need to do and walk away. Or, you will saying the same thing next Christmas.

 

She is jerking you around if she won't talk with you and then wants to be cuddly.

 

And you are jerking her around if you hire a hot woman for the gym who has a crush on you - it's like throwing gasoline on an already smouldering fire...

 

Relationships shouldn't be this much work... The two of you are making each other absolutely miserable.

[elaine567]

I do know this new girl does have a crush on me and I can see how that will cause conflict. It may also be the motivation my wife needs that she needs to work to keep me around.

 

Oh dear.

As Bailey B says gasoline on a smoking fire...

As for the coldness when she wants to start connecting with you...

If you do not want a divorce then why are you making it inevitable?

[Sweetfish]

I do know this new girl does have a crush on me and I can see how that will cause conflict. It may also be the motivation my wife needs that she needs to work to keep me around.

 

She's been super cuddly lately and I've been rather cold. I just don't want to touch her at all if she's just going to turn me down. I got braces a few months back and she hasn't even kissed me since I've gotten them. They are clear so you can hardly even tell I have them but that's how long things have gone.

 

Your already open the door for cheating.. working out in the gym everyday and improving your self. While your wife gets bedsores watching TV. I advise you to keep your penis in your pants from the new hire... After January if you pull the trigger. Do not hook up with the new hire or any other employee.

 

Flaunting a girl in front of your wife is not the best approach. You cant stick a carrot in front of her and expect her to run.

 

The only other method you can try is silence... it is a female kryptonite.

 

Ever thought she is misbehaving because the attention its bringing her.. even though its negative. That she likes to see you react? Kids do this crap all the time to gain attention from there parents.

 

How about just not reacting at all? Go and plan stuff for your self.. like take trips. I think you might need overhauling and self reflection. What ever you do.. do not cheat.

[whichwayisup]

So let her get defensive! She has her way of reacting to stuff, but I truly believe that if you (with respectful words, show her your pain and do NOT make it just all about sex, but more about connections and intimacy! Don't use the word sex) write that letter, she will process it and open up when she's ready.

 

In that letter, let her know that IF she chooses you and to stay married, it will require BOTH of you to work together constantly to get the marriage back on track. Let her know that if she needs professional help (meds, counseling re: her depression) you will help her and support her. Maybe if she sees that it's not always about sex she will respond in a better way.

[What-2-Do]

I'm taking the non-caring and cold approach right now. She wanted me to rub her back tonight and I flat out said NO. She was pissed about it but I said I just didn't feel up to it. The more rejection she receives hopefully the more she will realize how much it sucks.

 

Funny too, that she never feels good but she was able to teach a high intensity kickboxing class tonight.

[BaileyB]

I'm taking the non-caring and cold approach right now. She wanted me to rub her back tonight and I flat out said NO. She was pissed about it but I said I just didn't feel up to it. The more rejection she receives hopefully the more she will realize how much it sucks.

 

Funny too, that she never feels good but she was able to teach a high intensity kickboxing class tonight.

 

The passive aggressive approach to communication and relationships... Let us know how that goes for you.

[Mumbles]

I'm not one who's been bashing you in this thread but I have to say, the passive aggressive thing isn't going to work - I've been there.

 

You appear to be where I was about a year out from the end of my first marriage. I've posted here already in brief about my situation as it was, different reasons for getting there, but, at this point you're at pretty much the same place I was. Going mental through lack of physical intimacy.

 

The whole idea of, you do something nice and I'll do something nice, just doesn't work. My wife listed some things she 'needed' me to do, I just wanted one thing ... We tried it for a while but no-one is happy as both are doing their 'bit' under duress and its not enjoyable in any way or shape.

 

I even started going out on my own, largely just alone time to try and think my way through what was happening, but my wife was sure I was out getting mine and to be honest I didn't mind in the slightest that this is what she thought (I wasn't though). Its the long road to divorce this one - there isn't going to be another way out if you choose this path. You will both continue to abuse each other util someone calls it a day and then the papers will get filed.

 

I read through all of this long thread a common theme... you'd actually prefer to stay married if there was any hope for the future ... any hope at all.

 

I'd not normally say this, but, what about a trial separation? So many things wrong with this approach, particularly if you both ultimately would rather stay together, but, in the absence of any other suggestions that are realistic - what do you think? My wife and I had a long separation before divorce, but its wasn't a real one, we both continued to live under the same roof - which is -never- going to work.

 

I'd get legal advice first, because it might come to this anyway and you don't want to put yourself at a disadvantage if it does, but, if theres a way to implement a trial separation where one of you moves out for a time??? There is a child involved, so that will complicate things significantly, but I cant think of another way to really allow both parties to feel the pain of living alone and really starting to understand what that actually means. Once divorce is underway is pretty hard to march back from.

[Mumbles]

Oh, one other thing. Understand that now, at this point, you are both backed into a corner. Even if you were both to swallow a magic pill and cheerfully stay together you are imho very unlikely in the near term to have any mutually satisfying physical relations ... Some sort of circuit breaker needs to come into play and quite a bit of time ... 6 months would seem to be a minimum to me, quite probably longer.

 

Also understand that even if you find a good resolution and stay together, things will never ever be as they once were. You might well both be happy and satisfied together, but things will be different, from here onwards. You've both approached the brink of divorce ... this will remain a sore point in both your minds forever. You will both need care and attention in the future to hold your tongue should things start to ramp up to this point again.

[Mumbles]

[double post]

[BluesPower]

You know, if she is just too tired to have sex or go have dinner or cuddle, I could understand that.

 

But when she feels good enough to teach a kickboxing class, she ought to have enough left over to interact with her husband in some way.

 

It just really seems like she just does not want to.

[What-2-Do]

You know, if she is just too tired to have sex or go have dinner or cuddle, I could understand that.

 

But when she feels good enough to teach a kickboxing class, she ought to have enough left over to interact with her husband in some way.

 

It just really seems like she just does not want to.

 

 

Exactly and this is my complaint all along. She wants to cuddle a lot lately but nothing more. I'm planning on doing as said above and just move out in January if things aren't better. Do a temporary separation. I never understood how a spouse could cheat on another but now living like this I can easily see how it happens. I met a woman that I can't stop thinking about. We had a crazy connection and she is so beautiful. I won't act on it but if I do move out I'm going to ask her on a date.

[elaine567]

I met a woman that I can't stop thinking about. We had a crazy connection and she is so beautiful. I won't act on it but if I do move out I'm going to ask her on a date.

 

Ah, finally we find out what this is really all about...

[What-2-Do]

Ah, finally we find out what this is really all about...

 

I just met her 2 weeks ago.

[What-2-Do]

I texted my wife to see if we could have sex later. Should be interesting if she responds and what her excuse is for tonight. If she turns me down I will just go to the gym again for the day.

[eightytwenty]

I texted my wife to see if we could have sex later. Should be interesting if she responds and what her excuse is for tonight. If she turns me down I will just go to the gym again for the day.

 

 

 

If my fiancé ever thought of asking "hey can we have sex tonight".. I would tell him he could do himself... I understand your in a bad spot but asking her to have sex?!?! Where is the romance, the fun. I mean if I was with someone like what you're coming through as, I would lay there like a sack of potatoes asking if you were done yet...

[What-2-Do]

If my fiancé ever thought of asking "hey can we have sex tonight".. I would tell him he could do himself... I understand your in a bad spot but asking her to have sex?!?! Where is the romance, the fun. I mean if I was with someone like what you're coming through as, I would lay there like a sack of potatoes asking if you were done yet...

 

It's not uncommon for either of us to text something like this. It was always something we did. One of us would text "fun tonight?" and it would get you thinking about it.

 

It's always worked for us.

[eightytwenty]

It's not uncommon for either of us to text something like this. It was always something we did. One of us would text "fun tonight?" and it would get you thinking about it.

 

It's always worked for us.

 

 

True...

 

 

If the marriage isn't great, you pressure her for sex, and I'm sure she's feels this hot and cold mess. You're all over the place here. She doesn't want to be part of it maybe. I wouldn't have sex with anyone like that, why would I do anything with someone that will divorce me over not having sex with them. I mean 6 months of this she was sick, these last two you've threaten divorce because of her not feeling good.

 

 

I do think it's bs that she can go to kick boxing but can't do it later or claims other issues are getting in the way.

 

 

I mean, yes, sex is important in a relationship, but you need to quit begging her, asking her, if you want it to work, start dating your wife again. If you done that, I mean it's time to go. Get a divorce and THEN find someone that'll love you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I just met her 2 weeks ago.

 

On behalf of all the women who have gotten used by men who are in sexless marriages but wouldn't leave their wives, please do not get a 3rd person mixed up in this mess.

[What-2-Do]

True...

 

 

If the marriage isn't great, you pressure her for sex, and I'm sure she's feels this hot and cold mess. You're all over the place here. She doesn't want to be part of it maybe. I wouldn't have sex with anyone like that, why would I do anything with someone that will divorce me over not having sex with them. I mean 6 months of this she was sick, these last two you've threaten divorce because of her not feeling good.

 

 

I do think it's bs that she can go to kick boxing but can't do it later or claims other issues are getting in the way.

 

 

I mean, yes, sex is important in a relationship, but you need to quit begging her, asking her, if you want it to work, start dating your wife again. If you done that, I mean it's time to go. Get a divorce and THEN find someone that'll love you.

 

We haven't been on a date in over 2 years. I would love to date her again but she doesn't want to experience life

 

She responded to my text that maybe she will give a bj. This sucks