How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[Cephalopod]

Sounds to me like your wife is forcing your hand. She doesn't have the courage to file for divorce herself. Has she always been passive aggressive?

[What-2-Do]

Sounds to me like your wife is forcing your hand. She doesn't have the courage to file for divorce herself. Has she always been passive aggressive?

 

Yes, she has always been this way. I always say she is like a politician in the fact that she is never direct about anything and always avoids answering any questions. I think she is prob. done too and just won't admit it. Either way it's time to move on.

[Hopeful714]

Sounds to me like this relationship has been done (for her) for quite a while and you are doing the correct thing in leaving.

 

She IS done with you. Most likely has been for a while, and probably believes that you are part of the reason she is so sick and can't get better. Furthermore, she may be right.

 

If I was seriously ill and had someone constantly nagging me for sex, and texting/questioning me about the state of my yeast infection (for the sake of having sex) my head would feel like 1000 lbs too. In fact, I'd be looking forward to the day you move out.

 

If I was seriously ill and still loved you...I'd find a way.

 

Sorry.

[Noideanow]

you cannot change a persons sexuality:cool: but you can spend your whole life tryin:cool:

[Grapesofwrath]

There are many child support calculators out there.

 

It's not based on her income it's based on yours because you'd be the one leaving.

 

I don't think that last part is correct. Child support is based on the income of both parties, regardless of who leaves. It is designed to "level the playing field" so that the standard of living is roughly equivalent in both homes. It also takes into account the custody ratio. Who leaves is not part of the equation, at least not in my experience in this state.

[What-2-Do]

We've been fighting for the past 3 days. I bought a bed and mattress and moved into our spare bedroom. I'm waiting to hear back from several properties to look at so I can move out.

 

I told her today that I can't be with her if we are going to have zero intimacy. She said she can't have any intimacy until she is better and I explained to her that we are done. I started the divorce paperwork an it's time to move on.

[Grapesofwrath]

From reading this thread, it sounds that you are locked in a power struggle with her, and sex is the vehicle through which that is expressed. You want sex, she is refusing it. She has a reason for her refusal that is difficult to question, so she stubbornly holds her ground. She offers no alternative ideas, and you feel that she is intentionally withholding something from you that you need. Consequently, you make more demands and requests for sex, which she denies. You are now in a game of sexual "chicken."

 

I agree that she sounds depressed, which makes the problem even more difficult. Is her depression keeping her from functioning well as a mom? If she is able to work and care for your child well (you mention she is an excellent mom) then maybe she is not as deeply depressed as we think. That makes me think it's more about the power struggle/resentment built in your relationship.

 

In that case, it's marital counseling for starters then see where you can go from there.

[What-2-Do]

She refuses to go to counseling. I suggested it again this morning and she refused. I'm just done. I've more or less wanted out for the past 2 years and have been too afraid to actually do it. Now, is the time to move on or live in misery for the rest of my life.

[BaileyB]

If she won't go to counselling and refuses to even try to change things in the relationship, you have no other choice. I'm sorry. She can be alone in her misery.

[Sweetfish]

I wonder if the tables were turned what would happen?

 

would she cheat? Divorce you?

 

Maybe your answer is there?

 

 

But I have another question for you, are you willing to try an alternate approach?

[Sweetfish]

"Yes, even sex or masturbation, an activity that calls upon the body for a lot of nutrients and chemicals that are already greatly depleted, and organs that aren't functioning at 100%, can cause a person with Lyme to feel worse afterwards.

 

Some of the nutrients the body needs for sex include, but aren't limited to, zinc and magnesium. These nutrients weren't chosen at random. Zinc and magnesium were chosen because they are two nutrients that those with Lyme Disease have a tendency to be deficient with because the bacteria for Lyme Disease apparently uses them for its own agenda. Engaging in sex can force the body to use up its potentially already low supply of zinc, magnesium, and other nutrients, and in doing so, may be the reason why those with Lyme feel worse after having sex or masturbation. More research needs to be done on this subject as a whole."

 

I don't know man..this is a tough call.

[What-2-Do]

I wonder if the tables were turned what would happen?

 

would she cheat? Divorce you?

 

Maybe your answer is there?

 

 

But I have another question for you, are you willing to try an alternate approach?

 

I will say this.... When I had surgery a few years ago she dropped me off at the hospital and LEFT. She didn't even walk in with me and I had to call her when I was out for her to come pick me up. That's pretty F-ing weak.

 

I've tried other approaches and they don't work. I've invested 15 years into this relationship with getting absolutely nothing out of it for the past 2+. How much more can I sacrifice before I completely lose my sanity?

[BettyDraper]

When I read your posts, I can see that you have been very patient with your wife and now you are at the end of your rope. You have waited a long time for sex and you have brought up several possible solutions to the issue. There is nothing left to do but leave. Good for you for being brave enough to do so. Your decision took a lot of courage.

[What-2-Do]

I tried to just have another conversation with her about this and all she can muster up is that she will never do this or never do that or never be this person etc etc.

 

I absolutely love when she would get dressed up when we would go out. This hasn't happened in over 2 years now. I brought up how important it was to me and she started saying she's not going to wear makeup or high heels any longer because she doesn't want to. I explained to her how important this was to me and her excuse was that it's just not comfortable.

 

It's just clear she isn't willing to put any effort into this relationship and she expects to do nothing but get whatever she needs. I thought maybe there could be a tiny possibility in fixing this but it's done.

[Noirek]

I have developed chronic migraines. For months while we were trying different meds my migraines were almost daily. Every few days I would get one so bad I would not be able to leave my room. Other days I pushed through work and caring for my kids because the pain was tolerable. One medication I tried killed all libido and dried me up. Technically, I could have been selfless and saw to my husbands "needs" despite feeling like roadkill. Physically I was able to do so. Mentally, sex was the farthest thing from my mind. What I wanted was to be better.

 

Thankfully, so did my husband. Enough to leave me alone for months. He left the ball in my park. He didn't want to have his "needs" satisfied by me if I was forcing myself to do so. No nagging or anything. I was having such a hard time parenting that I was ever so thankful he shelved that. He loved me enough to give up sex. And not to demand I do my hair, wear make up or go out while I felt so ill. And when I got off the libido killing meds that didn't work and we finally got my migraines reduced to only a couple a week I started to feel better. Sex has resumed, slowly but gradually.

 

You've been unhappy for longer than this. And you are frustrated with your wife not being open to marital counseling. And if you haven't rewritten your history by focusing on only the negative I can see you wanting out.

 

But I can tell you this, trying to focus on too many things when your health is in rough shape is not something easily tackled. Going to counselling while ill is not something many want to do. Telling your spouse about all the wonderful selfless sick people who put others first will not save your marriage. Two weeks of not putting pressure on is hardly enough. Specially since all those nice things ARE pressure when coming from someone who has made it clear he must have sex.

 

If you could grow up a little, stop bothering your wife for sex FOR REAL. And focus on getting her better like she wants, then maybe you can address these things later and remained married. As people said the health could have been a problem for a long time. Specially if you feel she isn't cheating.

 

There is a balance to catering to someone's every whim and not caring for someone needs at all.

 

You say your wife makes more. So that is a "need" she is providing despite being ill and that can't be easy. Does she cook or clean? Who looks after your son more? Organizes his schedule, makes appointments, ect? Who manages the bills? You mentioned a hospital story. Did you ask for her to wait? Did you whine for her too? Did she say why she didn't? I've been dropped off at the hospital for medical appointments. Didn't mind really. But if you were scared and wanted her there to comfort you did you express that?

[What-2-Do]

 

You say your wife makes more. So that is a "need" she is providing despite being ill and that can't be easy. Does she cook or clean? Who looks after your son more? Organizes his schedule, makes appointments, ect? Who manages the bills? You mentioned a hospital story. Did you ask for her to wait? Did you whine for her too? Did she say why she didn't? I've been dropped off at the hospital for medical appointments. Didn't mind really. But if you were scared and wanted her there to comfort you did you express that?

 

I make more money than she does. We can survive on my income alone but not hers alone. She does make really good monty though. She sometimes cooks but never cleans. I do that along with the laundry. I look after my son. I get him up every morning, fed, dressed, and off to school. I also pick him up from school everyday and bring him to Karate etc. I do most of everything with him.

 

I pay most of the bills. The hospital trip was more than going for a medical appointment. I had major surgery and she didn't even care. I don't need her to go to appointments with me but if having surgery you need to be there. It's pretty simple.

 

I'm far from perfect but I just expect some things in return. If our marriage wasn't in decline for the past 2 years then the illness and lack of sex wouldn't be an issue but I just see this as the new norm.

[Noirek]

I make more money than she does. We can survive on my income alone but not hers alone. She does make really good monty though. She sometimes cooks but never cleans. I do that along with the laundry. I look after my son. I get him up every morning, fed, dressed, and off to school. I also pick him up from school everyday and bring him to Karate etc. I do most of everything with him.

 

I pay most of the bills. The hospital trip was more than going for a medical appointment. I had major surgery and she didn't even care. I don't need her to go to appointments with me but if having surgery you need to be there. It's pretty simple.

 

I'm far from perfect but I just expect some things in return. If our marriage wasn't in decline for the past 2 years then the illness and lack of sex wouldn't be an issue but I just see this as the new norm.

 

Sorry I misread and thought she made more. I was left at the hospital for one surgery but it was a hernia repair and didn't care. I've been on my own when I was single in a strange town getting an appendectomy so I guess it has never been a thing for me. He had things he could get done and sitting in a waiting room for hours wasn't productive. I left him at his surgery. So saying "you need to be there" isn't true in everyone's mind. If however you expressed you needed her there and she wasn't looking after your son or working than I would say you guys are definitely incompatible when it comes to your "needs" and what you see as important.

 

Until she is better you can't honestly say this is the new norm. But the time to make demands on what she needs to give you or counselling was before she was sick or after. Now is just terrible timeing. So, yes if your not willing to wait to get past the " in sickness" and the "for worse" it might be time to divorce.

[What-2-Do]

thank you for your reply and your perspective. I feel if I leave now I am just a selfish monster. At the same time I feel so deprived. Maybe I just suck it up until she is better and find a way to take care of my own needs? I hate to end such a long relationship if it could possibly be repaired. I do love her and always will no matter what happens. She wasn't always this way as I said before. We had an awesome relationship for many years. We had some major financial troubles when I started my business and I truly feel things changed after that. Even though we are so much better off now I truly believes she resents me for that.

 

I wish she was a better communicator and we could honestly and sincerely talk about things.

[BluesPower]

I understand how conflicted you are about all of this.

 

But here is the deal, she is not even trying to compromise about anything, not just sex. It seems like she has just really checked out.

 

I realize that she is sick, I get that, I have lived that. But the fact of the matter is that, some not all, some people use an illness to crawl in a hole and check out of life.

 

Maybe you can stay and see if she has any kind of change of heart overall.

 

But if she won't do to MC or change her attitude about the marriage, you are going to have to end it.

 

My wife mistreated me for years in a variety of ways, for laterally 20 years I tried to no avail to help her feel better and make the marriage better.

 

I now feel like I have wasted my life in many ways and I think I could have been far happier by moving on years ago. I don't know if that is just hindsight or what.

 

I urge you not to stay in a marriage where none of your needs are being met. I is a recipe for misery.

[BaileyB]

The Serenity Prayer

 

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

You can not change her. You can not encourage her to want to reinvest in the marriage. You can not force her to go to marriage counselling.

 

You can only control and change your response to the situation. You have been a good and faithful husband. You have fought for your wife and your marriage.

 

It sounds like you may need to accept that it's time to move on.

[oldshirt]

I tried to just have another conversation with her about this and all she can muster up is that she will never do this or never do that or never be this person etc etc.

 

 

Why on earth are you still bugging her about this???????? :-O

 

Did you really think she was going to be horny today??

 

She has given you her answer many times over the last couple years. You have said that you are done and leaving and filing for divorce, why are you still bugging her about it again today?

 

Women typically don't desire men that beg and plead for sex on a good day, they certainly don't get all hot and horny when men beg and plead for sex after they have moved into the guest room and have stated they will be filing for divorce. Threatening to divorce is rarely a panty-dropper.

 

If you want to leave and start a new life, fine, I understand.

 

But stop talking about it. Stop bugging her about this and stop making threats. If you are going to leave and divorce then just do it.

 

You are sounding manipulative and that you are just making idle threats to get her to blow you. That is weak. That makes women lose respect and women cannot desire men that they do not respect.

 

If you are really going to leave and start a new life, then you are going to have to let this go.

[dichotomy]

While it CAN be a issue with the relationship - it not always. Sometimes the issue is with the woman. I know - I dragged my wife (who was previously very sexual) to two different therapists. At the end of a year with the last one - the therapist basically said to her "you have an amazing husband, one most women would love to have, you need to get your mojo back, I don't need to see you together anymore - just you alone to get things worked out". My wife went three times alone and stopped. For me - i basically just determined that a healthy stable monogamous marriage does get my wife's motor running. Sex and love and intimacy have no connection with her. I suspect maybe thats also why she stopped going alone - she knew the therapist would get to some very difficult things in her and for our marriage.

 

I was also surprised to learn on LS that there are wonderful women - wives -some now divorced - begging their husbands for sex. Turning themselves inside out to be a great wife and get their husband interest. Being nice, romantic, meals, buying sexy outfits, loosing weight, begging, etc... and being rejected.

 

Sometimes is NOT about you or how good a spouse you are.

 

OP you need to decide what the "Plus and Minus" of staying married or divorcing. Just sit down and think - envision - what does my life look like a year or two from now - if I leave or stay. Picture those two possible lifes. Maybe make a list of thing in each column of divorce or stay. Then choose the best or least worst option for you.

 

My wife once asked - during an argument "What happens when I am 65 and due to age or illness can't have sex?" I responded "then at that time I will hold you in bed, lovingly stroking your hair, looking into each others eyes,while we recount and smile at all the wild times we had when you could".

Edited November 13, 2016 by dichotomy

[sandylee1]

I don't think that last part is correct. Child support is based on the income of both parties, regardless of who leaves. It is designed to "level the playing field" so that the standard of living is roughly equivalent in both homes. It also takes into account the custody ratio. Who leaves is not part of the equation, at least not in my experience in this state.

 

Child support isn't about the joint income. It's what the non resident parent has to contribute to maintain their child or children.

 

Spousal support is a different issue though. If she is the higher earner, she may have to pay to spousal support once your divorced.

[What-2-Do]

I understand how conflicted you are about all of this.

 

But here is the deal, she is not even trying to compromise about anything, not just sex. It seems like she has just really checked out.

 

I realize that she is sick, I get that, I have lived that. But the fact of the matter is that, some not all, some people use an illness to crawl in a hole and check out of life.

 

Maybe you can stay and see if she has any kind of change of heart overall.

 

But if she won't do to MC or change her attitude about the marriage, you are going to have to end it.

 

My wife mistreated me for years in a variety of ways, for laterally 20 years I tried to no avail to help her feel better and make the marriage better.

 

I now feel like I have wasted my life in many ways and I think I could have been far happier by moving on years ago. I don't know if that is just hindsight or what.

 

I urge you not to stay in a marriage where none of your needs are being met. I is a recipe for misery.

 

You're definitely right. She clearly stated yesterday that basically while she is still sick she is not going to be a wife and that my needs are completely irrelevant. She will most likely be sick for another 4-8 months. So, basically an entire year I have to just be a caretaker and my needs will be completely ignored.

 

When I had my hip replaced she basically did nothing to help me. I accepted that but still took care of her needs while I couldn't do much of anything. Before the surgery I was in severe pain 24/7 but I was still a husband and father.

 

At first it was she couldn't have sex or do anything because of her yeast infections. That is now gone and now it's because of her headaches. A moment of weakness had me nearly just sucking it up and dealing with it but I decided I can't cave in. I slept downstairs again last night and I have no intentions on going back. I def think it is time to move on.

[aileD]

How about you just tell her you're going to join a dating site to help you find sex since she doesn't want that to be part of your relationship.

 

She will either agree and you can live like roommates and get sex elsewhere

 

Or she'll say she wants a divorce - problem solved there too

 

Or she'll wake up and make some changes