How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[What-2-Do]

UPDATE: We haven't fought at all this week which is good. However, she's struggled a lot this week with the Lyme Herxing so she hasn't felt good most of the week. She is feeling better today which is certainly a plus. She usually gets 3 good weeks and 1 bad week but this time around she's had 3 bad weeks. Her Dr. said this is good because it means that the meds are working at destroying the virus.

 

We haven't connected a lot this week though. She's still a bit flirty but at least we're not fighting.

[Noirek]

I'm sorry, your obsessed about your own sexual wants and your wife has had 3 bad weeks but yay for her being flirty. So she has to do this or you are gonna walk away from this marriage... screw in sickness.

 

I am seriously doubting the entirety of your marriage problems rest on her shoulders. Someone this obsessed with his sexual wants and getting attention from a sick wife has not been a perfect spouse. If it is at all possible could you get your wife on here to tell her side of the story?

[What-2-Do]

I'm sorry, your obsessed about your own sexual wants and your wife has had 3 bad weeks but yay for her being flirty. So she has to do this or you are gonna walk away from this marriage... screw in sickness.

 

I am seriously doubting the entirety of your marriage problems rest on her shoulders. Someone this obsessed with his sexual wants and getting attention from a sick wife has not been a perfect spouse. If it is at all possible could you get your wife on here to tell her side of the story?

 

The sexual issues are not new. They started 2 years ago. As I said this goes way beyond her being sick. Before this our sexual relationship was intense. Then, it just fell off. It's beyond frustrating to be 100% satisfied to then being maybe 15% satisfied. We are working on getting her healthy and rebuilding our relationship.

[Clockwork]

So, my marriage has been rocky for the past 2 years. Haven't been on a date with my wife in over 2 years now and our sex life has been on a major decline during this time.

 

7 months ago my wife got Lyme Disease and basically I haven't had sex for the past 7 months and I'm going insane. My wife is capable of having sex or doing other things but completely refuses to do so because everything has been about her. I understand she doesn't feel good and I've become nothing more than a caretaker and roommate to her. If our marriage wasn't in decline for the past 2 years it wouldn't be as big an issue but I'm starting to lose my mind.

 

I messaged her today that I'm going to explode and she just didn't care. Everything is always about her and it's more or less been a 1 sided marriage. how do I cope with being sexless and basically feeling lifeless any longer?

 

You know a buddy of mine had to go through an anger management course. He was taught in that course that withholding sex is actually in its own way - abuse. It's true. Ladies, imagine if a man refuses to talk to you, never listens, shuts you out, etc. How do you feel? Emotionally abused probably right? See, men think that way about sex. We need it. Not getting it can drive us crazy. If our wife is in a coma, that's a different story. She obviously can't do it. If she can though, that's the frustrating part. Having sex withheld is like a woman not having her husband talk to her at all. So yeah, if your wife is capable of doing it, she should.

[aileD]

First is it possible the Lyme was there but undiagnosed for years and that caused some of the issues two years ago?

 

Second....and someone else said it best: Don't make major life decisions at times of high stress.....very good advice

[What-2-Do]

First is it possible the Lyme was there but undiagnosed for years and that caused some of the issues two years ago?

 

Second....and someone else said it best: Don't make major life decisions at times of high stress.....very good advice

 

It wasn't there until May of this year. That's when she started feeling like garbage. Before that she was fine. It was actually quite sudden where she didn't feel good. It hit her like a ton of bricks and never improved.

 

She's gotten better and worse and better and worse over the past 7 months.

 

As I said we are going to try working thru this until she is at least better. It's not going to be easy but hopefully in the end will all work out.

[What-2-Do]

Today was a frustrating day for me. First, we had interviews setup at my business and when it was time to leave my wife was saying that she couldn't come because our son wasn't feeling good. I asked him if he was OK and he said he was fine. She then changed her tone to that her head was ALL OF A SUDDEN killing her and she just couldn't come.

 

Funny that she was perfectly fine prior to leaving and when I got home was perfectly fine. I'm sick of her lying to me and using this as an excuse.

 

Aside from that she used to always get her nails done and take care of herself. She stopped doing that and I've tried getting her to get back to it for 2 years now. Since she doesn't get them done anymore she eats away at her fingers until they bleed. It's disgusting and such a turnoff.

 

I know that doesn't have really anything to do with this topic but it drives me crazy. I hate seeing her just not care about how she looks anymore and letting herself go. This has been the way it's been for the past 2+ years.

[BettyDraper]

I don't blame you for being frustrated by the lies.

 

Nail biting is a sign of anxiety. I can see how seeing your wife's chewed up nails would disgust you but there could be a reason why your wife is doing that. I love getting my nails done regularly because it keeps my nails from breaking even though I do a lot of housework. It's also a nice self care ritual.

[What-2-Do]

I'm even more frustrated this morning. So, last night our son started crying at 2am. I didn't hear him but she did. She woke up and instead of just going in and seeing what was wrong she woke me up and made me do it. Fine, whatever. I calm him down and come back to bed and she says "you know it's raining out?"

I reply "OK." She then says there is a package on the back porch that you never brought in. I reply OK. She then continues to respond "it will just get ruined then and a total waste of $350." I said if it's so important to you then why don't you go bring it in. Her response is I'm not getting up.

 

Needless to say I had to get up and bring it in. She does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to ever help but does so much to instigate issues.

 

Now, this morning I have to go to work. Yesterday she did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but lay either in bed or on the couch. I worked, went to the gym, and worked around the house. This morning she's still in bed so I had to get everything ready and get my son up and fed and rushing around to get to work while she's still in bed doing nothing. She now wants me to bring her clothes up from the basement.

 

Just saying things are not looking good at the moment.

[BluesPower]

You know that she is depressed...

 

Besides being physically sick, she is beyond depressed.

 

Is she trying to do anything about the depression? If she is it is not working, and if she is not, she simply has to.

 

You cannot go on this way, and neither should she.

 

If she will not try to help herself you may not have any options.

[S2B]

I think your answer was appropriate. If she is that concerned she can get up and get it herself.

 

Is their family that can come in and look after her?

 

If you decided to divorce her who would help her? Start lining up help and a plan in case you decide you need more from your life partner.

[BettyDraper]

I'm even more frustrated this morning. So, last night our son started crying at 2am. I didn't hear him but she did. She woke up and instead of just going in and seeing what was wrong she woke me up and made me do it. Fine, whatever. I calm him down and come back to bed and she says "you know it's raining out?"

I reply "OK." She then says there is a package on the back porch that you never brought in. I reply OK. She then continues to respond "it will just get ruined then and a total waste of $350." I said if it's so important to you then why don't you go bring it in. Her response is I'm not getting up.

 

Needless to say I had to get up and bring it in. She does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to ever help but does so much to instigate issues.

 

Now, this morning I have to go to work. Yesterday she did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but lay either in bed or on the couch. I worked, went to the gym, and worked around the house. This morning she's still in bed so I had to get everything ready and get my son up and fed and rushing around to get to work while she's still in bed doing nothing. She now wants me to bring her clothes up from the basement.

 

Just saying things are not looking good at the moment.

 

I'm not sure if your wife is legitimately ill with depression and Lyme disease or she is just milking those illnesses to get out of doing anything.

 

It appears that the short lived affection and sex was a ploy to keep you around. I would advise waiting a couple of months due to your doctor's advice and then deciding if you should end your marriage.

[What-2-Do]

You know that she is depressed...

 

Besides being physically sick, she is beyond depressed.

 

Is she trying to do anything about the depression? If she is it is not working, and if she is not, she simply has to.

 

You cannot go on this way, and neither should she.

 

If she will not try to help herself you may not have any options.

 

She won't do ANYTHING about the depression. Whenever I bring it up she just laughs at me and tells me that I'm crazy. I told her she should at least talk to someone to prove me wrong but she won't. She will not do anything about it so what you see is basically what you get.

[What-2-Do]

I'm not sure if your wife is legitimately ill with depression and Lyme disease or she is just milking those illnesses to get out of doing anything.

 

It appears that the short lived affection and sex was a ploy to keep you around. I would advise waiting a couple of months due to your doctor's advice and then deciding if you should end your marriage.

 

She clearly uses this as an excuse and it always benefits her. Like 2 weeks ago when she was supposed to take our son to a B-Day party and she begged him not to go. She told him she would take him to Toys-R-Us and buy him anything he wanted if he didn't go. All he wanted to do was go. I was literally off to the gym 5 minutes prior and all of a sudden she was way too sick to take him. Meaning, that I had to take him. Amazing that she was fine all day long and perfectly fine when I got home too.

 

I agree about the short lived affection. It's been completely dry since. I got braces 2 months ago and she hasn't kissed me once within that timeframe.

 

I try to make things work but the more I analyze things the more I think this will never work.

[What-2-Do]

I'm finishing up from work and my wife is texting me that our son is screaming crying and we need to take him to Urgent Care. I tell her to just take him and she refused. So, I had to come home and get both of them and take him and he has strep. I mentioned to her that she should have just taken him but she said she wouldn't do that alone.

 

I explained that she hasn't taken him to any appointments in over a year and that I've done 100% of them alone and never had any issues.

[BaileyB]

I'm finishing up from work and my wife is texting me that our son is screaming crying and we need to take him to Urgent Care. I tell her to just take him and she refused. So, I had to come home and get both of them and take him and he has strep. I mentioned to her that she should have just taken him but she said she wouldn't do that alone.

 

This makes me feel like she is really struggling with anxiety, and you have previously said she is struggling with depression. You wife is not healthy, physically, emotionally, mentally - she needs a physician and a counsellor. The fact that she is unwilling to seek support speaks volumes. I'm sorry, I'm very sad for her because I can imagine that she is very unhappy right now. But, I think there is more going on with her than just the Lyme disease... It's almost as if she is malingering, the physical symptoms perhaps a manifestation of the fact that she is having other problems with her mental and emotional health.

[Popsicle]

Maybe you have a Hypochondriac on your hands. Hypochondriac's need someone to do everything for them.

[BettyDraper]

Maybe you have a Hypochondriac on your hands. Hypochondriac's need someone to do everything for them.

 

Not to mention a selfish mother. What kind of parent wouldn't take her child to a birthday party just because they didn't feel like leaving the house? Leaving the little boy to suffer in pain until the OP was home was also inexcusable. I hate to hear stories like this.

[What-2-Do]

Maybe you have a Hypochondriac on your hands. Hypochondriac's need someone to do everything for them.

 

I've been with her for 15 years and I would say that 95% of days she has always complained of a headache, back ache, or whatever. When she first got sick I couldn't even hear her complain. I explained to her that it was like the boy that cried wolf. You complain every single day we are together that you don't feel good and then when you really don't it's hard for me to believe you.

[What-2-Do]

Not to mention a selfish mother. What kind of parent wouldn't take her child to a birthday party just because they didn't feel like leaving the house? Leaving the little boy to suffer in pain until the OP was home was also inexcusable. I hate to hear stories like this.

 

The party thing nearly ended our relationship. She has become very one sided and almost incapable of doing anything. It's very frustrating to say the least. My son was crying so bad when she told him she wouldn't take him to the B-Day party and she wasn't going to cave. My dad neglected me as a child and I would never do that with my son. Needless to say I took him and I ended up sleeping on the couch for nearly a week.

 

For her not to take him this morning there is no excuse for that. Our son goes crazy whenever he needs a shot and was freaking out about the strep test. However, it's no reason for her not to take him.

 

He had to go to a gastro specialist a few months ago and it ended up being an 11 hour appointment. We knew we would be there for at least 8. Needless to say that morning she DIDN'T FEEL GOOD. She obviously didn't go.

 

I'm so frustrated and the more I think about this and the less she does the more I don't think I want to be in this relationship any longer.

[BluesPower]

You know, this just gets worse and worse.

 

Honestly, I think it is time to see a lawyer. If she will do nothing to get better in any way, you just really have no choice.

 

You can raise your son by yourself and have far less to worry about without her.

 

If she was trying to get help it would be different, but it is not...

[Noirek]

I don't know guys. The OP came on mainly ranting about sex and the last two years going down hill... and his sick wife not doing her nails or wearing high heels. His concern with her chewing her nails until the bled was that it was gross and a turn off... not her health or why she had developed this habit. He gets one go of sex and some flirting and he is gonna give it a go and then now he wants out because she does nothing. Suddenly we are getting the most awful stories. Stories that are way worse than just "no sex". The last two years of it being in decline have turned to her faking illness for 95% of the 15 years they are together.

 

Something has not added up. If we are getting the full truth here. This woman needs serious help. This is beyond hypochondria (not leaving the house). This is serious mental things going on and beyond a simple forum.

[BettyDraper]

The party thing nearly ended our relationship. She has become very one sided and almost incapable of doing anything. It's very frustrating to say the least. My son was crying so bad when she told him she wouldn't take him to the B-Day party and she wasn't going to cave. My dad neglected me as a child and I would never do that with my son. Needless to say I took him and I ended up sleeping on the couch for nearly a week.

 

For her not to take him this morning there is no excuse for that. Our son goes crazy whenever he needs a shot and was freaking out about the strep test. However, it's no reason for her not to take him.

 

He had to go to a gastro specialist a few months ago and it ended up being an 11 hour appointment. We knew we would be there for at least 8. Needless to say that morning she DIDN'T FEEL GOOD. She obviously didn't go.

 

I'm so frustrated and the more I think about this and the less she does the more I don't think I want to be in this relationship any longer.

 

I don't blame you for your feelings. I would probably feel the same way.

The thought of a child suffering because of a self centered parent makes my blood boil!

 

Now I am certain that your wife uses her illnesses to get out of being a responsible adult. It's too convenient that she manages to be ill every time she needs to complete a task or go the extra mile for your son. This is exactly why it is hard for you to feel sympathy for her. If your wife was at least making an effort to contribute to your marriage and raising your son, I bet 1M that you would be far more willing to show empathy.

 

I am unable to drive or work full time due to medical issues. I take public transit or taxis everywhere when my husband isn't available to give me a ride. Because my husband sees me trying to work around my illnesses, he will do anything to help me as much as possible.

[What-2-Do]

I don't know guys. The OP came on mainly ranting about sex and the last two years going down hill... and his sick wife not doing her nails or wearing high heels. His concern with her chewing her nails until the bled was that it was gross and a turn off... not her health or why she had developed this habit. He gets one go of sex and some flirting and he is gonna give it a go and then now he wants out because she does nothing. Suddenly we are getting the most awful stories. Stories that are way worse than just "no sex". The last two years of it being in decline have turned to her faking illness for 95% of the 15 years they are together.

 

Something has not added up. If we are getting the full truth here. This woman needs serious help. This is beyond hypochondria (not leaving the house). This is serious mental things going on and beyond a simple forum.

 

The chronic complaining about pain was something she did mostly in passing. Pretty much not a day would go by where she didn't comment that she had a headache or backache or whatever. Not sure if she was being honest or if she was looking for sympathy. I honestly have no idea. I stopped hearing it years ago when I could no longer listen.

 

I've said it a million times that this goes way beyond the lack of sex and intimacy. You criticize me because I want my wife to put effort into the relationship and I want her to look sexy every now and again. Doesn't make me a bad person. Any man that says he doesn't care how his girl looks and could care less if she put zero effort into her she presents herself is simply lying.

[What-2-Do]

I don't blame you for your feelings. I would probably feel the same way.

The thought of a child suffering because of a self centered parent makes my blood boil!

 

Now I am certain that your wife uses her illnesses to get out of being a responsible adult. It's too convenient that she manages to be ill every time she needs to complete a task or go the extra mile for your son. This is exactly why it is hard for you to feel sympathy for her. If your wife was at least making an effort to contribute to your marriage and raising your son, I bet 1M that you would be far more willing to show empathy.

 

I am unable to drive or work full time due to medical issues. I take public transit or taxis everywhere when my husband isn't available to give me a ride. Because my husband sees me trying to work around my illnesses, he will do anything to help me as much as possible.

 

If I felt that she was actually trying and doing her best I wouldn't even be posting this. If our relationship wasn't in major decline over the past 2 years I wouldn't be posting this either.