Is MM playing a game with me?

[jjackie]

To answer your question: Yes he is playing a game.

 

Remember he is only 28 and he didn't have to marry his wife so young. He is the one who chose her to be his wife and it's doubtful that he is going to just kick her to the curb because someone else wants him. There was/is a great amount of love between them that can't easily be extinquished.

 

It's not surprising that you would not take the advice given here as the majority of OW don't. They come back when they see we were right.

 

 

Ok, but this is gonna be MY mistake, let me make a decision. I know what I'm doing... But who knows HOW it is gonna be? Maybe it is worth a try.

 

I had my moment while creating this post. Now when I think about it, it makes me laugh that I took it so seriously... Yes I love him, I care for him and I don't want to loose him (I'm sorry for wanting it)but honestly, do I need to worry about the future? What must be, must be, isn't it?

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for causing so much negative emotions... It wasn't my intention at all. I'm a little surprised to be honest.

 

Now to the point: Why am I being accused of creating this thread? There is one, simple question - "is he playing a game", yes or no. I didn't ask you for advices what I should do, if I should leave or stay... I didn't ask you about opinion of our relationship, I think some of you guys went a little too far. And what's worse, I've almost believed he is a bad guy and almost left him..... And it wasn't the case!! Of course, I've read everything you wrote and I've decided to be more cautious. Maybe our situation will be different, maybe he'll break the pattern. You guys assumed we're not gonna be together and happy because what, because that's what statistics shows? You can hate me, but did you think that I will actually do what you want me to do?? Did you think I'll move on just like that "ok, cool, bye" like nothing happened? I do understand that this is maybe a very difficult situation but it's definitely not unworkable. I'm glad I've created this thread because it has opened my eyes that I can't be stuck in the situation. I'm glad I have him the ultimatum and I'm going nc which is extremely difficult. I want him to make a decision and as I know him he'll do it very soon. I think it's fair, because he knows who he wanna be with.

 

People are trying to help you. Take the advice, maybe in a few days when you don't feel so shocked by it all, some of it will sink in and make you rethink things. Most who post on here ARE looking for opinions and advice, and are open to what's said. People have advised you based on how YOUR MM treats you and his overall lies/life choices. Sure some OM end up marrying their MM, but when that happens it's because the marriage was dead to begin with and there's a plan in place, divorce and a follow through, not just promises and no actions.

[jjackie]

Why don't you think you're worth more than being someone's dirty little secret? Why don't you like or respect yourself?

 

But who said that I won't be happy "being someone's dirty little secret"?

And I forced him to make a decision, right?

[jjackie]

People are trying to help you. Take the advice, maybe in a few days when you don't feel so shocked by it all, some of it will sink in and make you rethink things. Most who post on here ARE looking for opinions and advice, and are open to what's said. People have advised you based on how YOUR MM treats you and his overall lies/life choices. Sure some OM end up marrying their MM, but when that happens it's because the marriage was dead to begin with and there's a plan in place, divorce and a follow through, not just promises and no actions.

 

 

I do understand and I do appreciate. Maybe I'll rethink things, but look - it made me to take some steps. I said, he will make a decision soon. So I'll know. Once he chooses her, I'm gone. But don't blame me for staying or not leaving him because it isn't so easy. I'm proud of myself anyway, because normally I'd accept things how they are.

[elaine567]

Just remember you are dealing with a MM here not a single guy.

 

Single guy with gf, meets "better"/hotter/more interesting woman so promptly ditches gf and moves on with the new woman.

Simple.

 

MM meets woman, but 9 times out of ten he is not looking for a replacement wife, he already has one of those. He is looking for "extra", some sex, some excitement, some attention, somebody to make him feel good.

So when the OW, presses him for some action to back up his fancy words, he reneges, he procrastinates, he puts her off, he squirms and then he tries to do anything to avoid actually leaving his wife.

Not so simple.

 

SOOOO many women fall for this all the time, just about everyone on here thought at one point that they were "different" and "special", and that he was bound to leave his wife as he told her he would, that is until he doesn't or he leaves only to go back home not long afterwards.

Sad but true.

[JewelD]

I'm sorry for causing so much negative emotions... It wasn't my intention at all. I'm a little surprised to be honest.

 

Now to the point: Why am I being accused of creating this thread? There is one, simple question - "is he playing a game", yes or no. I didn't ask you for advices what I should do, if I should leave or stay... I didn't ask you about opinion of our relationship, I think some of you guys went a little too far. And what's worse, I've almost believed he is a bad guy and almost left him..... And it wasn't the case!! Of course, I've read everything you wrote and I've decided to be more cautious. Maybe our situation will be different, maybe he'll break the pattern. You guys assumed we're not gonna be together and happy because what, because that's what statistics shows? You can hate me, but did you think that I will actually do what you want me to do?? Did you think I'll move on just like that "ok, cool, bye" like nothing happened? I do understand that this is maybe a very difficult situation but it's definitely not unworkable. I'm glad I've created this thread because it has opened my eyes that I can't be stuck in the situation. I'm glad I have him the ultimatum and I'm going nc which is extremely difficult. I want him to make a decision and as I know him he'll do it very soon. I think it's fair, because he knows who he wanna be with.

 

Pretty smug comment from someone who voluntarily posted their problem and asked for advice. No one on here hates you. And we are certainly not impacted by your choice to ignore all the advice given on here. We don't have to deal with the terrible and draining consequences of being caught up with a married man. You do.

 

Good luck.

[ChickiePops]

But who said that I won't be happy "being someone's dirty little secret"?

And I forced him to make a decision, right?

 

good luck sweetheart. I'm out.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I'm sorry for causing so much negative emotions... It wasn't my intention at all. I'm a little surprised to be honest.

 

Now to the point: Why am I being accused of creating this thread? There is one, simple question - "is he playing a game", yes or no. I didn't ask you for advices what I should do, if I should leave or stay... I didn't ask you about opinion of our relationship, I think some of you guys went a little too far. And what's worse, I've almost believed he is a bad guy and almost left him..... And it wasn't the case!! Of course, I've read everything you wrote and I've decided to be more cautious. Maybe our situation will be different, maybe he'll break the pattern. You guys assumed we're not gonna be together and happy because what, because that's what statistics shows? You can hate me, but did you think that I will actually do what you want me to do?? Did you think I'll move on just like that "ok, cool, bye" like nothing happened? I do understand that this is maybe a very difficult situation but it's definitely not unworkable. I'm glad I've created this thread because it has opened my eyes that I can't be stuck in the situation. I'm glad I have him the ultimatum and I'm going nc which is extremely difficult. I want him to make a decision and as I know him he'll do it very soon. I think it's fair, because he knows who he wanna be with.

 

 

Jjackie,

 

 

nobody here hates you. Given the number of stories here, very similar to yours might I add, it is pretty easy to an objective eye to spot red flags right away in each and every story that is posted here. Regardless of how some responses sound, they are well-intentioned and want to help.

 

Maybe your situation is different, and you two are meant and will be together. Or it may be another heart-breaking story of OW being alone and abandoned. You don't know, we don't know. The truth is that no matter how it ends for you and your MM, someone at least 1 person (maybe more) will end up being very hurt - for quite some time.

 

I was at the hair-dresser today. Right next to me was a girl doing a dry run of her wedding day hairstyle and make up just to see how long it will take, so she can plan. She was so happy, and I heard her saying how perfect they are for each other and how they will some day watch their grand-children playing. Then, I thought of all the stories here on LS. Life sometimes turns out very differently from what we planned, imagined or hoped for.

 

I hope you read some of the stories here. It requires patience, but it is very helpful.

 

Either way, I wish you all the best!

[aileD]

Jackie,

 

How long did you give him to make...excuse me...to FOLLOW THRU ON your ultamatum?

 

There's no need to argue about things. You haven't been thru this before and that's ok. These women here have been through it and were just trying to help spare you some of the pain they went through. They are good women, just like you, who felt the same exact way about their MM as you do about yours. So I realize you think your love is different and special and could overcome anything. but ask the women here--they all were 100% sure of the same things and they are here telling you that no matter how beautiful it appears now, it more than. Likely won't end well for YOU. (MM and BS will likely be ok).

 

So yes you need to make your own mistakes . So do what you want, and you will be back here after the last day of the ultimatums and he will have either gotten himself an apartment and you at living happily ever after or you will be telling us it's over and he stayed with his wife.

 

We just don't want to see you back here in a month with the same limbo, stuck in the middle, being manipulated, excuses phase you are in now

 

So prove us wrong. Please keep NC. It's he only way he will leave her if that's what he intends to do. If you have contact then it's easier for him to keep you in limbo.

 

Good luck

[Missinghim17]

To the OP:

 

 

Ive been on and off with my MM for 6 years. It doesn't get any easier. He doesn't contact you 2 days, mine has gone months without contact. You never get used to it. Its always painful. I understand that this is the life ive chosen. I chose to deal with it because im in love with him and cannot figure out a way to let him go. But if you can get out, get out now! Don't wait for years to go by where you will get more and more attached.

 

 

I always feel like my guy is playing games with my head. He will randomly come back after weeks/months and act like hes all into me. He'd call back to back, tell me to go see him, etc...and then literally flip the switch within hours, and I suddenly feel like I don't exist to him anymore. This is the life you have in store for you if you don't take control of the situation!

Edited October 23, 2016 by Missinghim17

[jjackie]

Jjackie,

 

 

nobody here hates you. Given the number of stories here, very similar to yours might I add, it is pretty easy to an objective eye to spot red flags right away in each and every story that is posted here. Regardless of how some responses sound, they are well-intentioned and want to help.

 

Maybe your situation is different, and you two are meant and will be together. Or it may be another heart-breaking story of OW being alone and abandoned. You don't know, we don't know. The truth is that no matter how it ends for you and your MM, someone at least 1 person (maybe more) will end up being very hurt - for quite some time.

 

I was at the hair-dresser today. Right next to me was a girl doing a dry run of her wedding day hairstyle and make up just to see how long it will take, so she can plan. She was so happy, and I heard her saying how perfect they are for each other and how they will some day watch their grand-children playing. Then, I thought of all the stories here on LS. Life sometimes turns out very differently from what we planned, imagined or hoped for.

 

I hope you read some of the stories here. It requires patience, but it is very helpful.

 

Either way, I wish you all the best!

 

Thank you for these words!

[jjackie]

This is the life you have in store for you if you don't take control of the situation!

 

Take control... and how can I do it?

[lftbehind]

Take control... and how can I do it?

 

Move on from MM and find a man who will be yours only and be consistent with you. I have the same problem with my OM. When we talk and get together it's good, but a lot of times he'll say that he will text me and he doesn't. I'll text him and won't hear back from him and then when I talk to him he'll have an excuse for not texting. I'm M and can't seem to let him go, but I need to. I get that it's hard to let go, but they will just keep hurting us and keep us waiting for that attention again. They live their lives and throw us a few crumbs to keep us holding onto them.

[S2B]

Your MM knows you don't want to be gone and that means he holds all the power to continue manipulating you AND his W to get both women.

 

You stated to him that you don't want to be his OW any longer - and he needs to D in order to continue the sex.

 

What timeline does he have to perform? What is YOUR boundary? The D filed and finished by what date?

 

Leaving any of it open only gives him the space to not do anything...

 

So, essentially, you've given him an open ended deadline... which is useless to a MM who isn't planning to change a thing.

 

All he will do is spend his time and energy trying to get you back into your position that works for HIM = which amounts to ---> you get back into your corner and expect nothing except for the crumbs he gives you when it's convenient for HIM.

 

I hope you can see that this is a very lopsided scenario that's working in HIS favor, not yours.

[ChickiePops]

To the OP:

 

 

Ive been on and off with my MM for 6 years. It doesn't get any easier. He doesn't contact you 2 days, mine has gone months without contact. You never get used to it. Its always painful. I understand that this is the life ive chosen. I chose to deal with it because im in love with him and cannot figure out a way to let him go. But if you can get out, get out now! Don't wait for years to go by where you will get more and more attached.

 

 

I always feel like my guy is playing games with my head. He will randomly come back after weeks/months and act like hes all into me. He'd call back to back, tell me to go see him, etc...and then literally flip the switch within hours, and I suddenly feel like I don't exist to him anymore. This is the life you have in store for you if you don't take control of the situation!

 

Of course he's playing games with you. How else could he trick you into thinking he cares about anyone but himself?

[RecentChange]

Yep - just like the post above me pointed out OF COURSE HE IS PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU.

 

This is a game to him. How much he can manipulate you, how much he can lower your self worth in order to give him what he wants, while you get practically nothing.

 

Maybe you just aren't smart enough to make good decisions. All the facts are staring you in the face but you pretend like they aren't there.

 

In this life there are winners and losers, you are picking team loser.

[sandylee1]

Is he playing a game?

 

Absolutely. It's called "I'll pick you up and put you down when I want to"

 

Rules of the game? No rules for MM ... except the wife cannot find out.

 

Rules for you?

 

Take what you get and show MM you're happy with it .

Don't complain

Remember you are at best, his number 2 woman

Know your place

No whining when I (MM) go radio silent.

Stroke my ego

Fawn over me and worship me, or it's over

 

The golden unwritten rule Never ever interfere with his real life or dare contact his wife or that will be the end.

 

Play by the rules and you'll be just fine

[jjackie]

Your MM knows you don't want to be gone

 

Ya, he knows, but it has changed.

 

 

What timeline does he have to perform? What is YOUR boundary? The D filed and finished by what date?

 

Well I told him we can be back to our normal routine only if he's single again. I asked him to divorce only because he wants it, I don't want him to do it specially for me. He knows me well and he knows I'm being serious about it all, he also knows he won't break me. I miss him as hell and I'm impatiently waiting for what's next, but I'm unbreakable.

[Hummingbird17]

Take this for what you want. This is from someone who's MM did leave and we are now happily married.

 

If you are happy being his dirty little secret, then everything is good. If you gave him an ultimatum and are saying as soon as he chooses her, it's over? Then it's over. He has chosen her. Every day he is staying with her, he's choosing her. Of course he is still getting you on the side, because you are ok with that.

 

My husband didnt make excuses on why he couldn't leave. Yes he had concerns he talked with me about, but he didn't make excuses. And he left. Fairly quickly into our affair. He wanted out of his marriage, so he got out.

 

He is wanting to stay married, per his actions and have you on the side. If you are good with that, then ok. Just set your expectations for that. He will say all kinds of things but his actions are what matter. And if he gets caught be prepared to be very hurt.

 

Good luck.

[Missinghim17]

Take control... and how can I do it?

 

Its still relatively "new" for you. You will get over him at some point if you break it off now. If you wait, you only get closer and more attached. He will become "used to" you allowing him to treat you this way and he will take advantage of it until you are in the most tormenting excruciating pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Trust me, ive been in that pain a long time. If you wait, it only gets harder and harder. You'll want more and more from him. More of his time, more respect...you'll never get it.

[jjackie]

 

MM meets woman, but 9 times out of ten he is not looking for a replacement wife, he already has one of those. He is looking for "extra", some sex, some excitement, some attention, somebody to make him feel good.

So when the OW, presses him for some action to back up his fancy words, he reneges, he procrastinates, he puts her off, he squirms and then he tries to do anything to avoid actually leaving his wife.

Not so simple.

 

SOOOO many women fall for this all the time, just about everyone on here thought at one point that they were "different" and "special", and that he was bound to leave his wife as he told her he would, that is until he doesn't or he leaves only to go back home not long afterwards.

Sad but true.

 

 

I went through all comments once again and found this. Just some quick thoughts, he wasn't searching anyone to have an affair with, I mean, usually there's a guy that gets bored with his marriage and decides to find someone to have fun with. I and MM have met before he even had a wife. There was mutual attraction from that moment we met, we clicked instantly and if it ever happened to you - you know how it is and what kind of feeling it is, it's difficult to even describe it. As our friendship was moving forward we spend some quality time together before we had sex. He wasn't for one night stand or just fwb. I remember when he kissed me for the first time, I actually remember every DETAIL from our dates. So does he. You will ask "Why you didn't stay together if it was so perfect"? I DON'T KNOW, seriously... It's been 3 years ago, sh*t happens. But we never really stopped thinking of each other. We were compatible from the beginning, so when we met again at that party... It was very intense. While typing all this I'm actually realizing how much he means to me... They say, "if you love someone, let them go". And I will, if he wants me to. I believe deep inside thhat we are made for each other and his wife will understand. But I may be wrong...

[jjackie]

My husband didnt make excuses on why he couldn't leave. Yes he had concerns he talked with me about, but he didn't make excuses. And he left. Fairly quickly into our affair. He wanted out of his marriage, so he got out.

 

Are you suggesting my MM made an excuses?

 

He is wanting to stay married, per his actions and have you on the side. If you are good with that, then ok. Just set your expectations for that. He will say all kinds of things but his actions are what matter. And if he gets caught be prepared to be very hurt.

 

Good luck.

Well, I won't be his little dirrty secret never again, so it doesn't apply to me. If he loves his wife and wanna work their marriage through - go on. But without me. See guys, there is something I understood from your posts. ;-))

And yes, I agree - action speaks louder than words.

 

And congratulations for having your man with you.

[elaine567]

I went through all comments once again and found this. Just some quick thoughts, he wasn't searching anyone to have an affair with, I mean, usually there's a guy that gets bored with his marriage and decides to find someone to have fun with. I and MM have met before he even had a wife. There was mutual attraction from that moment we met, we clicked instantly and if it ever happened to you - you know how it is and what kind of feeling it is, it's difficult to even describe it. As our friendship was moving forward we spend some quality time together before we had sex. He wasn't for one night stand or just fwb. I remember when he kissed me for the first time, I actually remember every DETAIL from our dates. So does he. You will ask "Why you didn't stay together if it was so perfect"? I DON'T KNOW, seriously... It's been 3 years ago, sh*t happens. But we never really stopped thinking of each other. We were compatible from the beginning, so when we met again at that party... It was very intense. While typing all this I'm actually realizing how much he means to me... They say, "if you love someone, let them go". And I will, if he wants me to. I believe deep inside thhat we are made for each other and his wife will understand. But I may be wrong...

 

Trouble is we can so often rewrite that script too.

He, on the look-out for an OW, meets a girl he previously knew and dated in the past. PERFECT! She may just have some lingering affection for him, enough anyway, to ignore the fact he is married. He hit the bullseye with you, not only had you some lingering affection, you were still besotted with him.

 

It is a well known fact, married men often trawl around hoping to "catch up with" old gfs, ex parters, ex wives, old FWBs and FBs, in the hope he can persuade someone to become his OW.

It can sometimes be difficult for a MM to find an OW, many women will turn him down as he is married, but an old "ex" from way back when, can often be persuaded by the old "I never ever forgot you" trick.

Sorry to burst that bubble, and whilst I am not saying it never happens, just be careful and don't swallow all that "fairy tale", "meant to be together" stuff whole, as if it is the gospel truth.

[sandylee1]

I I'm actually realizing how much he means to me... They say, "if you love someone, let them go". And I will, if he wants me to

 

We've ascertained he wants you as his mistress ... so no need to let him go.

 

I believe deep inside that we are made for each other and his wife will understand

 

Of course she will. Why would she want to get in the way of true love. She'd be terribly unreasonable not to understand.

 

But I may be wrong.

 

You're havin a tin bath.

[jjackie]

You're havin a tin bath.

 

Sorry, but what does it mean?