Is MM playing a game with me?

[123sadgirl]

'

But sometimes he comes for a quickie and he doesnt talk to me for a day or two, I mean like NOTHING, no even "hi"... And when I ask him what happened he just says that everything is fine and he was busy but I don't believe he didn't find a 5 minutes to ask how I am".

 

He is trying to keep it as sex only. This pattern gets worst as time goes on and you will drive yourself crazy with thoughts and how's and why's. Please stop, you are young and i am sure beautiful, you don't need him. It will be harder to stop but you can. The longer you stay in it, the more painful it will be when it end one day.

[Jemima1234]

Hi and welcome - please understand everyone on here is saying this because they care and don't want you to end up even more hurt. I know it might seem harsh- please keep posting and work through this and I promise you this is a supportive board!

 

Can I ask you -

How often do you see him

Does he say he loves his wife

Does he say he has sex with his wife

 

 

I guess I am just wondering how typical MM he is! And how you cope? I have been the OW and I knew he wouldn't leave but at same time I knew I couldn't be an OW forever!!!! Hurts like hell but better to grieve than to always be second place

 

Please think all this through- he is married, this is going nowhere. Take control and be strong

 

Take care

[SnowWhiteWins]

He's not playing. He's just being completely self-centered;. Seeing you when it's convenient for him, and ignoring you when it's not. Why do you think this is the best you deserve?

 

Validation comes from within. Occasional sex with a MM on his terms should NOT make you feel good about yourself. Just the opposite, in fact.

 

You say you're not concerned about having children. You might feel differently in a few years. Don't waste precious years on this selfish loser. 40 comes quicker than you think.

[Miss Clavel]

tell him what you've told us. tell him that you need more. ask him about getting a divorce and moving in with you.

 

tell him you love him, you need more and if he loves you he should get a divorce.

 

it's called dday. i think of it as drama day rather than discovery day because there is going to be a huge dramatic argument that most likely will end your relationship. for good.

 

which is what you need. you need him to be in on the end, with you, so that there is no more hope.

[Forever broken]

I know that this will be very, very difficult to me to break this all up. I love this guy, he makes me happy (well, for most of the time)... But it kills me that he will never be mine So I enjoy and take what he gives me. I'm not good at relationships, believe me or not but this 6 months is the longest time of seeing someone continuously. I am that kind of person who love forever and last time I cared about someone so much was about 5 or 6 years ago. I was healing for 1,5 years after that breakup and to be fair, I will always love him... I have exactly the same feelings for this one, if you knew how he makes me feel... After these 6 months my feelings increased, I can't stop thinking of him even though I run my own business and have a lot of work... Being busy doesn't help at all. I know I'm being selfish, I know this is so wrong what we do, but I want just him, I'm over the moon (excluding that quiet days). I need to keep telling myself I'm strong enough to end up this all. But I know that I'm not, but I'll try anyway. I need to prepare myself for serious pain and struggle.

 

 

 

 

I loved my ex married man too. But a relationship with a married man doesn't last forever.

 

And oh I was fortunate enough to speak to a betrayed wife and their pain is very real. You are not hurting yourself only but his wife too.

[sandylee1]

 

We met at our friend's birthday party 3 years ago. At that night when I saw him I honestly fell for him instantly. I was literally melting while looking at him, my heart was racing when he approached me. We've had a very good talk, exchanged numbers and met few days later. We have been dating for few weeks and since then I have never heard from him again. I found a new boyfriend and deleted his number but to be honest, I could not get over him. I thought of him from time to time... I missed him.

 

This is what pisses me off and gives me that idea of him playing with me. Is this normal? Maybe I over react, but why sometimes we can talk on Skype for 5 hours or he is able to spend the whole night with me and the other day he's not even able to send me a quick message

 

Another thing, I know he doesn't want to leave his wife and I'm ready to be the other woman even for the rest of my life. And don't worry about me having a baby, I'll be fine.

 

And yes, I love him.

 

I've only read your first post, but the times he can talk for hours ... his wife isn't around. ... so he can do that.

When you don't hear from him ... He's busy at work or with his wife.

 

That's normal. You have to get used to that to be a lifetime OW. Then when he and her have kids ... he'll have even less time for you because he'll be busy doing family things ... as they grow up it will be sporting activities, school performances and stuff.

 

Then when you make plans with him ... a family emergency may come up and he bails out at the last minute, but that's part of being the OW. I've known OWS all checked in the hotel for a romantic evening, in her lingerie ... then MM calls because little Tommy fell off his bike, cut his head and their on route to the hospital.

 

That's all part and parcel of being the OW. If you complain and whinge to him then he'll get fed up, because he doesn't need that grief from his OW. This is his escape ... and an escape isn't meant to stress you out.

 

So you need to grow thinker skin and learn to cope with the times he goes radio silent OR review your life long OW status.

 

Also, the longer affairs go on the more complacent people become and they get busted. Be prepared to be dropped like a hot potato and for the bad feelings and heartbreak as you're happy to be a lifetime OW, it's best to anticipate and also to not get over emotionally invested.

 

If you look around for a good therapist now, you'll know where to go when it all gets messy and he's not able to contact you at all, because he's trying to save his marriage.

 

It's entirely up to you.

[cocorico]

You're the other woman.

 

He's only going to talk and visit you when his wife isnt around. Or doesn't know about you or isn't sleeping with him.

 

Honestly? You want to be the other woman forever?

 

FINE. But know your place.

 

-You don't get to get upset or angry when he blows you off for his wife

-you are a side piece and will not ever take precedence over his wife

-when his wife finds out and she will (since you are going to movies and restaurants and being blatantly disrespectful) he will dump you like a hot potato and you are not allowed to get upset.

-you're not to introduce him to your family

-no kids for you

-if you do have kids that poor kid will never have a normal family.

- you can't get upset when he's not around on holidays or other days that are important days in YOUR life

 

 

Please do yourself a favor and read on here and add that you're not alone and see how badly it ends for you.

 

Until then if this is what you want, you have to accept that you don't have the right to get angry when you choose to let him put you second

 

OTC. Do *not* accept any of this, unless you want the unhappiness you read on here.

 

I was a happy OW, and I would not have put up with any of this nonsense! There is nothing in the role of being OW that says you have to take being treated badly. I was treated well, always put first, and that's why I was happy, why the Rmwas sustainable. If he'd treated me like this I'd have been gone in an instant.

 

JJ! If he's messing you around, say no! Tell him to treat you properly or find someone else! He should,treat you _at least as well_ as any other GF, given the circumstances. It's possible - several of us here can attest to that - and there's no reason for you to put up with less than you're willing to accept. If he's not willing to deliver what you want, find someone else who will. This should be entirely on your terms, not on his.

[elaine567]

The push/pull - hot/cold of the married man - textbook stuff.

 

He gets horny, he calls you up, he is lovely, he treats you so nice, he "loves you", he has sex, he feels oh so guilty, he goes cold, he can't do this any more, he goes MIA, he is "busy".

Meanwhile you are distraught what did you do, is it all over? Maybe he needs a little space, but why so cold? Has his wife found out? He must have a very good reason for shutting me out...

 

BUT then

He gets horny again, he calls you up as if nothing happened, he is lovely, he treats you nice, he has sex, he feels oh so guilty, he goes cold, he can't do this to his wife, he goes MIA, he is "busy".

 

And then

 

He gets horny once more, he calls you up, he is lovely again, he treats you soo nice. He says he is sorry for hurting you so badly, but he laps up your distress, he feels great, what an ego boost! He has sex, he feels oh so guilty, he goes cold, he can't do this, he goes MIA, he is "busy"....

 

...on and on again. Wash, rinse, repeat..

 

Before you know it, you will spend half your life on edge, in stress and misery, wondering if he is going to call, wondering if this time he will not be back. It is no way to live and for what?

You are not his gf, just some "besotted" woman he has sex with, every now and again when he can get away from his wife.

Even if you did persuade him to leave her, how could you ever trust him? YOU may as happy as Larry as his new wife, whilst unbeknownst to you, his belongings are now strewn across another woman's apartment...

 

But sometimes he comes for a quickie and he doesnt talk to me for a day or two, I mean like NOTHING, no even "hi"... And when I ask him what happened he just says that everything is fine and he was busy but I don't believe he didn't find a 5 minutes to ask how I am. This is what pisses me off and gives me that idea of him playing with me. Is this normal? Maybe I over react, but why sometimes we can talk on Skype for 5 hours or he is able to spend the whole night with me and the other day he's not even able to send me a quick message... Maaybe he doesn't want to, maybe he's tiredd of me and need a "break"? And after him being quiet he pops up with a message like nothing happened but I was all nervous and upset about the situation. And I told him so many times to let me know if he's busy or he'll be busy and won't be able to contact me. He knows I am being emotional and I tend to take everything personal. Is he really THAT busy??? I don't believe it.

[sandylee1]

I see almost everyone has told you what I said. As the OW you're not going to be his priority. When his wife is away on a business trip or something, then he can devote more time to you.

 

I would imagine going out with him is pretty risky as well .... in case he bumps into anyone he knows.

 

Do you really like the ducking and diving as though he's on the top 10 of the FBIs most wanted?

 

I don't know many people that like being a hidden secret, unless they're also in a relationship with someone else. Over time you'll just feel your self esteem eroding and find yourself alone when others have their BF/husband/other half with them.

 

It makes you become a liar as well, unless you are proud to tell people you are a mistress to a MM, you end up covering up .. by saying either you're not dating or your boyfriend is away and couldn't make it. I'm not sure how well it would go down if you said "my boyfriend is with his wife tonight and can't make it".

 

You're far too young to accept crumbs like this. You should be having the time of your life, not being used for sex like this.

[elaine567]

JJ! If he's messing you around, say no! Tell him to treat you properly or find someone else! He should,treat you _at least as well_ as any other GF, given the circumstances. It's possible - several of us here can attest to that - and there's no reason for you to put up with less than you're willing to accept. If he's not willing to deliver what you want, find someone else who will. This should be entirely on your terms, not on his.

 

But that tends to not work as the OW is usually so besotted that she cannot afford to rock the boat, she will not walk away if he treats her badly, as basically she does not want to lose him.

That is the key here and why so many women spend years with men who treat them "less than".

The terrible thought of him leaving her, supersedes everything.

She cannot dictate her own terms for fear of scaring him away. So she stays and accepts anything she can get.

The OP is pretty typical, badly hurt previously, vulnerable with low self esteem and few options, she grabs onto the first man who shows any interest, even though he is married.

SHE doesn't want to lose that lifeline, no matter how bad it gets.

[jjackie]

Hi and welcome - please understand everyone on here is saying this because they care and don't want you to end up even more hurt. I know it might seem harsh- please keep posting and work through this and I promise you this is a supportive board!

 

I've never thought otherwise. And I appreciate it.

 

Can I ask you -

How often do you see him

Does he say he loves his wife

Does he say he has sex with his wife

 

We see each other almost every day. To be honest, I have never asked if he loves her and I am not sure how often and if they have sex. We don't really talk about his wife.

 

 

 

 

Please think all this through- he is married, this is going nowhere. Take control and be strong

 

Take care

 

I will try to move my life forward and stop seeing him. It will be hard.

[jjackie]

This makes me very sad. You have no self respect, self love for yourself. If you don't have that for 'you' how can you expect or hope for anybody else to respect you? This MM is using you and is playing you for a fool. Please, wise up, end it and seek some counseling.

 

I do love myself, I have no problem with that... I never had issues with finding a guy, but the problem was that those relationships were so empty... I didn't feel what I feel now. For some reason, I totally ignore the thought he's married. I don't know what I think, I probably secretly hope that ONE DAY he will leave his wife eventually, and it can even happen in 10 years. Maybe yes, maybe not, I just fell in love and I need to unlove I guess.

[Cyra]

My xMM used to do exactly the same thing. Whenever we had sex or went on a trip together, he would go distant afterwards and in the best case not talk to me much for a day or two, in the worst case dump me for a day or two, then he would come back as if nothing's ever happened. I told him repeatedly that such behavior bothered me and he always promised not to do it again, but of course he did.

 

At first I felt that it was ok to be the OW. I was on a high horse, enjoying the new exciting relationship while carrying on with my own life. Everything was great, our relationship was developing in exciting ways, we always had great times together, we seemed so connected, so compatible, the chemistry was amazing. But of course that did not last long and soon I started to demand more. He appeared to be on board and we made plans, there was a lot of push/pull and lot of stalling tactics, until in the end I gave him an ultimatum, he left his wife and then went back to her 2 days later.

 

So really, if you think it is going to get better the longer you stay, the more time you spend together, the more he gets to know you and fall in love with you, you are wrong. It will not get better but it will get much worse. Every time he pulls away you will resent him for it more and more. Eventually you will start to resent yourself for letting him come back every time and treat you like a doormat. You will lose any self-respect you have at the moment. Seriously, get out now while your sanity and dignity are still intact. 6 months is long enough but not too long to lose sleep over, I wasted 18 months for nothing, other people on here years, decades.

 

He is young arrogant and on top of the world with his 2 women while you are down in the gutter. Liberate yourself

[beatcuff]

I do love myself, I have no problem with that... I never had issues with finding a guy, but the problem was that those relationships were so empty... I didn't feel what I feel now. For some reason, I totally ignore the thought he's married. I don't know what I think, I probably secretly hope that ONE DAY he will leave his wife eventually, and it can even happen in 10 years. Maybe yes, maybe not, I just fell in love and I need to unlove I guess.

 

OP, please reread this... then ask yourself whether your time and energy is better spent looking for someone LIKE him rather than him. you are far to young to be entering into a R with him. then again you think you have your whole life in front of you --- until you don't. so a simple question: why are you settling for this, NOW? (there are two parts to this question, answer them both).

[Cyra]

Plus also bear in mind he is recently married, not a disillusioned man married for decades bored, sad, loveless. He is doing it all for an ego boost and he doesnt care about you or how you feel. What you allow will continue.

[sandylee1]

I just wanted to pick this out from your opening post.

 

We have been dating for few weeks and since then I have never heard from him again.

 

Does this mean that he just stopped contacting you or did the dating/relationship end?

 

Because he had the opportunity to be with you when you were both single ..... and it looks like he took it as far as he wanted to.

 

What I see here ... taking into account what you said below, is that you're so so much into him and were from when you first met him.

 

At that night when I saw him I honestly fell for him instantly. I was literally melting while looking at him, my heart was racing when he approached me.

 

 

I was SO HAPPY to see him again....... And I just wanted to ask him about going out ..... I had to control myself so much not to fell on him, I was kind of upset so I went home early.

 

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ above shows that he knew you were besotted with him. He could tell you had to control yourself, he could see you were upset and he knew that if he could just get your number, he'd have you where he wanted you. He just knew you couldn't resist him.

 

It's not difficult to tell when someone has the hots for you.

 

I wouldn't so much say he's playing with you. More that he knows you'll accept whatever little he gives you, because he knows you'd rather have a little bit of him, than none of him. He's banking on keeping you right where he wants you. Taking advantage of your feelings. One can get away with dishing out crap when someone is so in love with you.

[Southern Sun]

I am so sorry Jackie. This is very textbook MM behavior. Of course, not all are like this...but it is common enough to be a stereotype.

 

He is enjoying you for the fun and good times and the escape and sex. You are growing attached and the feelings are evolving and your are in love. He wants to keep you in your place and visit there when HE wants to; you want to be treated like a woman he loves, with priority and care and respect. After all, if he really cared, would he see you, love you, treat you with such tenderness, and then disappear for days on end? Baffling right?

 

HE needs to detach in between. HE needs to lessen his guilt feelings. HE needs to pretend he's not really doing what he's doing. Thus he sees you, cuddles you, has sex with you, and then poof...you are compartmentalized while he goes about his life. He pretends to be a normal husband; he works; he puts you away. Until next time.

 

That's why you don't hear from him. You are not a part of his REAL life.

 

I was messed up enough with my xMM that there was a time that I was even okay with THAT. I wasn't really okay with it, but I took it. I decided that if I couldn't be anything else, at least I could be his escape. I turned into a worthless piece of nothing. I had no self-respect left. But before I got beaten down to that level, I cried and begged and fought with him about this. I told him I didn't want him without the love. He would say he understood...and then just kept on doing the same thing. I could either accept it, or leave. If you don't respect yourself...how do you think he, or anyone else, will feel about you?

 

Get out before you put many more months...years...of your life into this. We'll support you.

[anika99]

I know that this will be very, very difficult to me to break this all up. I love this guy, he makes me happy (well, for most of the time)... But it kills me that he will never be mine So I enjoy and take what he gives me. I'm not good at relationships, believe me or not but this 6 months is the longest time of seeing someone continuously. I am that kind of person who love forever and last time I cared about someone so much was about 5 or 6 years ago. I was healing for 1,5 years after that breakup and to be fair, I will always love him... I have exactly the same feelings for this one, if you knew how he makes me feel... After these 6 months my feelings increased, I can't stop thinking of him even though I run my own business and have a lot of work... Being busy doesn't help at all. I know I'm being selfish, I know this is so wrong what we do, but I want just him, I'm over the moon (excluding that quiet days). I need to keep telling myself I'm strong enough to end up this all. But I know that I'm not, but I'll try anyway. I need to prepare myself for serious pain and struggle.

 

This post indicates that your feelings for this guy and this affair have very little to do with him and plenty to do with you. You have never had a relationship that has lasted longer than 6 months. You probably turn down offers from decent available men all of the time but now you are giving your heart to an unavailable man who you know lies and cheats. I'm guessing the guy you thought you loved years ago was also emotionally unavailable and hurtful in some way as well. Then you never loved again until you met this lying cheating married man. That's no accident. People don't just happen to us, we pick them, usually subconsciously and based on our own agendas and issues.

 

Consider taking some time to really dig deep and figure out why you cannot give yourself to someone who will love and respect you for the long term. Daddy issues? Self esteem issues? Abandonment issues? Something is driving you to get involved in this painful going nowhere relationship and it isn't your MM and his wonderful qualities. If he was single and available you would probably tire of him in no time. Learn about yourself now, with professional help if need be, so that you can save yourself from a lifetime of making poor choices in men.

[heartwhole]

Infidelity Help Group has the mistresses' affair rules that may help you put the choice you are making into perspective.

 

They don't pull any punches there. They are pretty cynical about reconciling with a cheater for the betrayed spouse as well (I'm a BW), but I've always felt it was important to test my thinking and choices by reading up on the devil's advocate side of things.

 

The Mistresses' Affair Rules ~ Infidelity Help Group

[stillafool]

I do love myself, I have no problem with that... I never had issues with finding a guy, but the problem was that those relationships were so empty... I didn't feel what I feel now. For some reason, I totally ignore the thought he's married. I don't know what I think, I probably secretly hope that ONE DAY he will leave his wife eventually, and it can even happen in 10 years. Maybe yes, maybe not, I just fell in love and I need to unlove I guess.

 

Oh yeah you will want him to leave his wife but he won't. When his wife gets pregnant you will be in so much pain because you will know how she got that way. You will be sad while they are basking in the joy of expecting their first child. After the baby is born he will be over the moon, until they are up late at night with the baby and his wife won't feel like sex. This is where you will be needed the most by him to fulfill his sexual desires until she heals and the baby sleeps during the night. Once that happens he will start sex back up with his wife and you'll be put on the back burner again. As time goes on you will start to nag him about spending time with you and leaving her. He will get tired of you, think you are no more fun and are more like a second wife. At this point he will start looking at younger, fresher women who look up to him and the next thing you know he is seeing another mistress.

 

There are MM who leave their wives for the OW but these men are few and far between. The ones that do file for divorce and move out of the house. A lot of them move out but end up going back to their wife in the end.

[jjackie]

So he just called me, we had a conversation... I know he cares for me, I was very upset so he will come to just give me a hug a confort me. I'm feeling better... He actually explained it to me that there's gonna be days like these. And I need to prepare for it. It doesn't happen too often, though. Another thing, he doesn't disappear after we have sex or get intimate. We actually had more sex on the beginning than now. I asked him if he's ready for my moody days and my moanings about such things...I mentioned that he can go and find someone else who won't give him problems. He refused We'll see how it goes... I am a drama queen, I'm shocked he didn't run away. I'm just gonna wait and see because I so care about this man... I'm sorry guys

[stillafool]

So he just called me, we had a conversation... I know he cares for me, I was very upset so he will come to just give me a hug a confort me. I'm feeling better... He actually explained it to me that there's gonna be days like these. And I need to prepare for it. It doesn't happen too often, though. Another thing, he doesn't disappear after we have sex or get intimate. We actually had more sex on the beginning than now. I asked him if he's ready for my moody days and my moanings about such things...I mentioned that he can go and find someone else who won't give him problems. He refused We'll see how it goes... I am a drama queen, I'm shocked he didn't run away. I'm just gonna wait and see because I so care about this man... I'm sorry guys

 

Give it time. A drama queen is tiring.

[Cyra]

Seriously, of course he explained it to you. There are going to be days like this, because he will be feeling guilty. Because he is spending time with wife. Because he is going on holiday. He essentially told you that there are going to be days when he is going to put you on a backburner and that you should prepare for it and you accepted it, what is more you even put yourself down repeatedly making it look like you were upset for NO REASON and devalued yourself by calling yourself moody and drama queen, invalidating your own feelings in order not to upset him so that he doesn't leave.

He is the king of the world right now because he knows you will take any crumbs from him and he can put you in your place. And how do you feel deep inside right now, good about yourself? Be honest with yourself

[jjackie]

Seriously, of course he explained it to you. There are going to be days like this, because he will be feeling guilty. Because he is spending time with wife. Because he is going on holiday. He essentially told you that there are going to be days when he is going to put you on a backburner and that you should prepare for it and you accepted it, what is more you even put yourself down repeatedly making it look like you were upset for NO REASON and devalued yourself by calling yourself moody and drama queen, invalidating your own feelings in order not to upset him so that he doesn't leave.

He is the king of the world right now because he knows you will take any crumbs from him and he can put you in your place. And how do you feel deep inside right now, good about yourself? Be honest with yourself

 

I told him if I won't be able to carry on, I'm just gonna leave. And I will. That's why I said, let's wait and see. I just can't give up on him so easy. It's not like he treats me bad, he desrespects me or abuse me, he treats me well, he never yelled at me or anything like this, he always make sure I'm fine. I know for sure that he's honest.

However, I will think about all I've read here, overall I am happy. Well, he is an important part of my life because he is the person who always listen to me and give me advice. He always tries to explain everything and that's what I appreciate.

You asked how am I feeling... actually I'm feeling happy, I know this guy is a sweet addition to my life, not everything... I need to chill.

[Bittersweetie]

It's not like he treats me bad, he desrespects me or abuse me, he treats me well, he never yelled at me or anything like this, he always make sure I'm fine. I know for sure that he's honest.

 

Jackie.

Think about the world outside yourself for a minute...he doesn't treat you bad, he doesn't disrespect you.

Then what is he doing to his new wife?

By being with you, is he treating his wife well? Is he respecting his wife? Is he respecting his marriage?

And don't you see, by his actions (like cheating on his new wife) he IS disrespecting you? And her?

Is this REALLY the kind of man you want to pour your energy into? One who is not fully available? One who is not being fully authentic and honest (no matter what you think)? One who treats two women so terribly?

You need to cut ties now. Yes, it will be difficult, but in the long run it is the healthiest choice for YOU.