Praying for reconciliation

[aileD]

Thank you for the post. A lot of what you said makes sense and Ive heard similar things from my wife. While I had flaws she didn't like we were a team. We have been married for almost 22 years and we really relied on each other. In large part I think she too loved that I was a rock for her - something she could always count on. Then this happens and that security is gone. She has told me that she wanted me to her self. She didn't ever want to share me and thats what I promised her. As you said she has told me she doesn't know me now. The person who did this isn't 'the person she thought she was married to. On the bright side I am doing the work to improve myself and deal with the issues I never have. Im also more than eager to work on all of our relationship issues once my wife is ready. Right now its like I can't get enough counseling - I wish I could go 2-3 times a week. Being patient has to be one of the most difficult parts of this for me.

 

So you have been through this 12 years ago and then again now? Did your Husband confess to you? I assume he must be remorseful? My wife will ask me how she could ever know that I would never do this again. That is a difficult question to answer. I can say I will never (which is true in my mind) but to her I am just a liar. I explain that I confessed when I didn't have to and I have been in counseling - something Ive never done before. I am making life changes and that is how I know I will never do this again. But obviously it is still hard for a BS to believe and I understand that.

 

I was at my home a few days ago and needed to replace a couple light bulbs that had burned out. Took the ladder upstairs and left it in the spare bedroom as I needed to buy bulbs and replace on my next visit. My wife saw the ladder and noticed I had put it against the wall below the attic access. She texted me later that day convinced I was hiding something in the attic. She assumes I am up to something all the time. I hate that she has absolutely no trust for me now but I understand why.

 

He confessed to me the first time. This time he said he was thinking about separating then I came home early one day from my night shift job and found him on the phone with the AP.

 

My husband is selfish. Hes like a little kid that wants the instant gratification and doesn't think about the consequences. His abuser groomed him so that he always felt his pleasure was the most important thing in the world and people who denied him pleasure (like his parents for example--convenient ) didn't really love him.

 

So when life happened And kids and a job ....and his pleasure wasn't #1...I fell into the "you must not love me" category.

 

Both his affairs coincided with his abusers trial, then his release from prison 12 years later.

 

Is he regretful? Now, yes. He seems to be.. And he's actually doing the major psychological work on himself now too. He sees why he fell for these girls (both younger) and how the attention and pleasure they provided and how they fawned over him set off all that crap from his childhood.

 

So I do see changes, he is working and recognizing things and finally working toward making himself healthy.

 

But I will never look at him the same way. He will never be the person I married--or thought I married. He was a virgin when we started dating. Now I'm no longer the only girl he's been with. And it happened during our marriage! How humiliating and embarrassing.

 

I have full access to his phone, he leaves it around now...where before he'd guard it with his life. But even though I have access and if I said "give me it" even while he's using it, he would----even so I freak out inside if he's using it and i can't see the screen. I worry when he goes places without me (the store even, / run) even though we have gps on our phones and map my run....I get anxious he might run into her. I am concerned every day that she might contact him at work where I don't have access to anything.

 

Is that any way to live? No! Not in the long run. But since we have been thru this before, I know I won't always feel this way. I know that the more he is consistent and the more I look and don't find stuff, the more we work on our relationship in MC and IC, the less I will feel like this.

 

He tries, as do you. But there is nothing you can do right now to make her not worry or feel different. Your Marriage vows didn't stop you. Your word means nothing.

 

Consistency is key. Don't stop telling you that you love her. At least once a day. But don't push anything. It's not a conversation. Even if it's just a text before bed. I love you, goodnight. You may not even get a reply.

 

Continue going to counseling. Continue to learn about yourself and share that with her if she'll let you. I think the worst thing you could have done was move out. It's easier to move out than it is to get back in. I thank god every day we couldn't afford to be separated like that...and when we did, he lived in his car.

 

Some people have it within themselves to forgive and move on from infidelity in their relationships. Some don't. It doesn't mean one type of person is better or stronger than the other...it's just who they are inside. I'm compassionate and forgiving by nature. Some here see me as weak for not kicking him to the curb, but there not me. Only I know what I have inside of me and only your wife k ows herself--

 

I do wish you find happiness again with your wife. The affair recovery videos helped us. Also Bruce Musiks video on the five stages of a Relationship.

 

But if she can't forgive...don't hold it against her. At some point you will have to accept your fate ...whatever that may be

[mikeylo]

Well dude , she was forced to share you with other women. Would you want to share her with some other guy ( guys?)?

 

Apart from other things, she can't rely on you for her feelings / emotions. She now knows that her heart is not safe with you. You are capable of squashing it. I guess, she still wants to , based on your updates but I wonder how strong are you to stay away from other women. She could also be thinking that if there were online women , there could be some in real , everyday life whom you are covering up in the disguise of ' friends '.

 

A sincere advise: get rid of your female friends , in real life as well. Tell them point blank, you don't want to be friends anymore. There will begin your strength. If you are unable to , then you are, yes, a very weak man. If you can't say no to a female ' friend' , then your wife wouldn't trust you. My ex Bil couldn't. He tried to compartmentalise but failed big time. He wanted my sis to trust him and his female friends. Yeah.And there began his gas lighting her -- that SHE can't see the difference between friends , lovers etc. Its her mind that is thinking wrong and he is just a very friendly person and he can't help if he makes female friends easily. BS

Edited October 13, 2016 by mikeylo

[Regretful one]

Is that any way to live? No! Not in the long run. But since we have been thru this before, I know I won't always feel this way. I know that the more he is consistent and the more I look and don't find stuff, the more we work on our relationship in MC and IC, the less I will feel like this.

 

Thank you for your reply. It helps give me some insight.

 

I guess that is the one tiny silver lining to this nightmare - that you know you won't always feel this way or hurt this badly. Obviously that isn't much of a positive but at least you know. I would have to think your biggest fear (like the one my wife has) is that you would ever have to go through this again. I think the major difference for me is that I never sought counseling before and it changes a lot - at least for me it does. My wife also leans on God and says without Him nothing as it relates to our marriage and reconciliation would be possible.

 

 

He tries, as do you. But there is nothing you can do right now to make her not worry or feel different. Your Marriage vows didn't stop you. Your word means nothing.

 

Consistency is key. Don't stop telling you that you love her. At least once a day. But don't push anything. It's not a conversation. Even if it's just a text before bed. I love you, goodnight. You may not even get a reply.

 

You are right.. there is nothing I can do right now and while I'm anxious to do something it doesn't matter. My word means little to nothing with her you are right. I am forming new habits - being more kind to people in general and being patient. As you suggest I tell her I love her several times a day. Up till a few weeks ago she would never tell me that she loves me. Now she will occasionally tell me she loves me and once in a while even text me out of the blue to tell me she loves me. But yeah I used to get mean replies or no reply at all. Its less common now thankfully.

 

Continue going to counseling. Continue to learn about yourself and share that with her if she'll let you. I think the worst thing you could have done was move out. It's easier to move out than it is to get back in. I thank god every day we couldn't afford to be separated like that...and when we did, he lived in his car.

 

Yes and thats what I do since there is only so much I can do for my marriage at this point. I go to IC, I go to a mens support/accountability group. I am reading like never before (Bible and other relationship type books). She does want to know what Im doing for myself improvement - she is interested in that so I journal and send her my journal entries and tell her what Im learning. She has told me to use this time of separation to build from within and to work towards being the best husband in the world.

 

Moving out wasn't what I wanted at all. I resisted but she says its what she needed for her. She says she needs time and distance from the events to heal and I am part of that. It is really difficult not being home with my daughter and her. I also have a separate office at home where I worked, met with clients etc.. now I have a tiny one bedroom apartment so work is difficult. I make it work but it really sucks. But I hate not being around my family for sure. She did however suggest that we go out on a date next week. To me that seems like progress.

 

Some people have it within themselves to forgive and move on from infidelity in their relationships. Some don't. It doesn't mean one type of person is better or stronger than the other...it's just who they are inside. I'm compassionate and forgiving by nature. Some here see me as weak for not kicking him to the curb, but there not me. Only I know what I have inside of me and only your wife k ows herself--

 

I do wish you find happiness again with your wife. The affair recovery videos helped us. Also Bruce Musiks video on the five stages of a Relationship.

 

But if she can't forgive...don't hold it against her. At some point you will have to accept your fate ...whatever that may be

 

I think my wife is very much like you. She is compassionate and forgiving by nature. She often puts others before herself. Its a quality I've always loved about her. The down side to that is that in our marriage she lost her voice and some of her identity. Her opinion, voice and identity is a big part of what attracted me to her and Ive missed that for years and felt our marriage lacked connection. It was my fault for not being more tender with her and for not being more selfless. In a way I was sabotaging what I wanted most from my wife. Counseling has helped me see this. I agree with you that having a forgiving nature doesn't mean you are weak at all. I think it is an admirable quality and done I am trying to emulate more myself. With God's help and counseling I've been able to truly forgive my father who left when I was a year old as well as the men who abused me when I was young. I no longer let those events of my life create anger inside me.

 

I wish you happiness as well. If my wife can't forgive me I won't hold it against her how could I? Im not giving up and wont but I am the one who did this to her. She never deserved any of this and didn't sign up for it.

[Regretful one]

Well dude , she was forced to share you with other women. Would you want to share her with some other guy ( guys?)?

 

Apart from other things, she can't rely on you for her feelings / emotions. She now knows that her heart is not safe with you. You are capable of squashing it. I guess, she still wants to , based on your updates but I wonder how strong are you to stay away from other women. She could also be thinking that if there were online women , there could be some in real , everyday life whom you are covering up in the disguise of ' friends '.

 

A sincere advise: get rid of your female friends , in real life as well. Tell them point blank, you don't want to be friends anymore. There will begin your strength. If you are unable to , then you are, yes, a very weak man. If you can't say no to a female ' friend' , then your wife wouldn't trust you. My ex Bil couldn't. He tried to compartmentalise but failed big time. He wanted my sis to trust him and his female friends. Yeah.And there began his gas lighting her -- that SHE can't see the difference between friends , lovers etc. Its her mind that is thinking wrong and he is just a very friendly person and he can't help if he makes female friends easily. BS

 

 

Yes she in a sense was forced to share me with other women and no I would not want to share her with other guy(s). If she decided to have a RA I would hate it. I would however understand why. I am left hoping she doesn't go that route as I don't think it would help matters. If it is something she feels she needs to do, she will have her opportunities - I will have our daughter with me tomorrow night.

 

That is true, she can't rely on me for her feelings I understand that. I believe over time she will and has even showed signs of starting to do that now by telling me she loves me and to not give up on her. To me that tells me she has hope in us. Many WS want to continue affairs or are in love with their OP but that was never me. I assume you, her, my family... everyone probably wonders how strong I am and how sincere I am. I have to live with that shame of knowing everyone thinks poorly of my character. All I can do is all I can do. I have confidence I can stay away from women in large part because of what Ive worked through in counseling. I don't have that insecurity now that led to seeking women to affirm me. I haven't had that for months. Im sure there will be temptations but I have to be guarded when they come. Im sure she thinks all sorts of things. Just yesterday she was asking which days I met with my OP. Days of the week etc.. I can't remember much of any of it even if I try. I don't even remember how many times we met. I guessed at 6 or 7 times over a 6 week period of time. She looks over my phone when we are together. I know she often thinks Im doing things Im not doing and she has a right to. All I can do is be consistent and never do anything I wouldn't want her to know about. I welcome her (or anyone else) to check up on me at any time. It is embarrassing that she or others would feel the need to do that but I completely understand it.

 

Your advice. Done. I have no female friends at all. I have female clients and have a sister-in-law that I've talked to but that has only been via email or when their spouse or other people are present. Ive been very guarded about that. I am on Face Book which my wife has access too but I do not communicate with anyone other than family. Ive stopped even "liking" posts by FB friends who are female unless they are some sort of Christian inspirational post. I never communicated via FB with any of the past "online friends" i had so I don't believe it to be a problem anyway. If my wife asked me to get rid of FB I would in an instant. If it wasn't for work purposes Id consider getting rid of my computer and or phone. The bible says if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out... Im trying to take that approach as much as I can.

[mikeylo]

She probably ' lost her voice ' because maybe she felt she wasn't being heard and gave up voicing. In a way , she gave up. Sad, isn't it ? When someone stops complaining, it's THE time to wake up.

 

Anyway , if things are happening the way they are , I guess you guys are good. If she wanted RA, you would have known by now. YOU know her and her character , better than anyone of us.

 

I guess you owe her a lot -- from affair to helping you become a better man ( we all need a woman who makes us better and keep her !). Let your shame be the driving force to get her heart back and keep it safe with you. She needs to feel that you are the safest place on earth, in spite of everything.

[gettingstronger]

You're doing really well, doing the right things, have the right mind-set- all of it!

 

I think what surprised my husband the most is how long healing takes- the peaks and valleys in my moods- what bothers me and when-

 

We are 3.5 years in to reconciliation and although we have mostly good days, weeks and heck, even months- things do pop up from time to time and it feels like it just happened yesterday-

 

Its a ton of hard work and some days its downright brutal-

 

Not trying to scare you- just letting you know, this is a very long process-

[Regretful one]

She probably ' lost her voice ' because maybe she felt she wasn't being heard and gave up voicing. In a way , she gave up. Sad, isn't it ? When someone stops complaining, it's THE time to wake up.

 

Anyway , if things are happening the way they are , I guess you guys are good. If she wanted RA, you would have known by now. YOU know her and her character , better than anyone of us.

 

I guess you owe her a lot -- from affair to helping you become a better man ( we all need a woman who makes us better and keep her !). Let your shame be the driving force to get her heart back and keep it safe with you. She needs to feel that you are the safest place on earth, in spite of everything.

 

Yes Absolutely... Her voice was squashed by my selfishness. My wife is a very caring, loving person and to easily sacrifices her wants for others. Over time I assume she wanted what I wanted. She would work more when I would stress over money when what I really wanted/needed was for her to tell me I could do it and for her to be proud of me. I make a good living and was paying ahead on our mortgage and putting money away for retirement but in hindsight my wife was very unhappy as she doesn't want to work as much. I was blind to her needs/wants and even though I was doing what I thought best for my family I wasn't paying attention. She did give up in a way and did stop complaining. I regret not waking up sooner.

 

Yes I know I need her and I know I could never do any better no do I want to try. Ive told her and I mean it when I say I will spend the rest of my life being the husband she deserves instead of the ass I have been that she didn't. The amazing thing is (if she will have me) that making her happy, making her proud and being her man as Ive discovered through counseling is the very thing that would make me the happiest. I sabotaged myself and our marriage.

[BTDT2012]

If my wife can't forgive me I won't hold it against her how could I? Im not giving up and wont but I am the one who did this to her. She never deserved any of this and didn't sign up for it.

 

Your wife can forgive you and still decide she can't be married to you. I hope you are able to reconcile.

[Regretful one]

You're doing really well, doing the right things, have the right mind-set- all of it!

 

I think what surprised my husband the most is how long healing takes- the peaks and valleys in my moods- what bothers me and when-

 

We are 3.5 years in to reconciliation and although we have mostly good days, weeks and heck, even months- things do pop up from time to time and it feels like it just happened yesterday-

 

Its a ton of hard work and some days its downright brutal-

 

Not trying to scare you- just letting you know, this is a very long process-

 

Thank you for the post.

I imagine Ill sympathize with your husband. I have been surprised that for so many it takes years. And hard work.

 

My mother-in-law and father-in-law went through this years ago when my wife was around 10 (my daughters age). They separated for 6 months and now have a marriage that most look at as an example of the perfect marriage. In some ways I think my wife wanted a separation because that is what her mom wanted. Anyway, I met with them not long after I confessed to my wife and them. Our meeting was difficult for me as I greatly respect them. I was surprised how emotional they were. Not just because they knew their daughter was going through this terrible pain but because my betrayal brought back the pain for them they experienced 30 years ago. My mother-in-law says that they have been having to deal with some of those same old feelings and pains from way back. I guess this is a life long thing and while for many there is reconciliation and forgiveness it doesn't ever completely go away. There is always a scar.

 

Thanks again for your comment. I realize that its a long road ahead - Im just praying my wife will want to travel that road with me.

[Regretful one]

Your wife can forgive you and still decide she can't be married to you. I hope you are able to reconcile.

 

Fair point and you are right. She could.. I guess what I was saying which was in regard to what someone else said is that I could never hold it against her if that was her decision. I could only blame myself. My wife didn't break her vows, I broke mine. She has biblical rights to divorce me if thats what she chose to do.

 

I hope for the same. Thank you.

[BTDT2012]

Fair point and you are right. She could.. I guess what I was saying which was in regard to what someone else said is that I could never hold it against her if that was her decision. I could only blame myself. My wife didn't break her vows, I broke mine. She has biblical rights to divorce me if thats what she chose to do.

 

I hope for the same. Thank you.

 

I think you can make it if your wife is willing. It took my WH 20 months after I found out he was a cheater to reach the point where you are now. All things are possible with God. It sounds like both of you are putting God first.

[mikeylo]

While you are at it --- how can your wife feel proud of you when you are getting your thrill ( whatever it 'was') with other women ? Also, who will be proud of their spouse having 'keepers ' on the side ? She was left alone to deal. She might have felt everything falling apart in front of her eyes and she has been dealing with the pain for a while except now YOU can see it. It's never too late they say ! I hope it's not for you.

 

Let her be mean. It's better than no emotions. It means she is showing her ' right on you '. She is asserting her right on you. No one is mean to people who we don't care about. She cares, still. Keep it going. All the very best.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Regretful one

Yes and thats what I do since there is only so much I can do for my marriage at this point. I go to IC, I go to a mens support/accountability group. I am reading like never before (Bible and other relationship type books). She does want to know what Im doing for myself improvement - she is interested in that so I journal and send her my journal entries and tell her what Im learning. She has told me to use this time of separation to build from within and to work towards being the best husband in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

Your wife’s suggestion in bold above is an excellent one. From what I have read about you it seems that you are very eager to do what your wife has suggested and you are doing that. I hope that your wife is taking her own advice and doing the same. I do not say that to defend you or put her down but she is very much hurt and weak. This crisis can be the motivation for her to “build from within”. She needs that as much as you do.

 

Although you both are very hurt this crises can be the catalyst that will boost you both to become stronger in many areas. You have told us that you both are serious Christians and I think that is a real helpful source for possible reconciliation. There are some that think that Christianity is for the weak but real Christianity sets a standard that is so very high and takes enormous diligence to strive to get close to the standards. In other words real Christianity requires being so very strong and put ACTIONS to your words. For starters real Christianity tells you that you must forgive or you will not be forgiven. How is that for starters?

 

 

Here is another one:

 

Mark 12:30-31

30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with your entire mind and with all your strength. 31 the second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”

 

 

Try living up to those great requirements rather than just give lip service to the heart and soul of Christianity. I have failed many times in living up to those great commandments but I will never stop trying.

Regretful One, your posts make me think that you are thirsty for God and are motivated to increase your faith and seek the revival of your spirit

Hebrews 11:6

 

Sometimes great pain drives us back to God and we “build from within” and get stronger and better in many ways!

[gettingstronger]

Thank you for the post.

I imagine Ill sympathize with your husband. I have been surprised that for so many it takes years. And hard work.

 

My mother-in-law and father-in-law went through this years ago when my wife was around 10 (my daughters age). They separated for 6 months and now have a marriage that most look at as an example of the perfect marriage. In some ways I think my wife wanted a separation because that is what her mom wanted. Anyway, I met with them not long after I confessed to my wife and them. Our meeting was difficult for me as I greatly respect them. I was surprised how emotional they were. Not just because they knew their daughter was going through this terrible pain but because my betrayal brought back the pain for them they experienced 30 years ago. My mother-in-law says that they have been having to deal with some of those same old feelings and pains from way back. I guess this is a life long thing and while for many there is reconciliation and forgiveness it doesn't ever completely go away. There is always a scar.

 

Thanks again for your comment. I realize that its a long road ahead - Im just praying my wife will want to travel that road with me.

 

 

 

I only know you from your posts-but I have a feeling it will all work out-you sound a lot like my husband in your healing- as I have said, we are 3.5 years out and it's taken a lot to get here, but he focused not only on his short-comings but also on the pain he inflicted on me and that's important- I see that in you- I truly wish you the best of luck-

[Regretful one]

Let her be mean. It's better than no emotions. It means she is showing her ' right on you '. She is asserting her right on you. No one is mean to people who we don't care about. She cares, still. Keep it going. All the very best.

 

Agreed. Indifference would be bad but having anger and pain shows she cares. She even told me that if she didn’t love me it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

 

Your wife’s suggestion in bold above is an excellent one. From what I have read about you it seems that you are very eager to do what your wife has suggested and you are doing that. I hope that your wife is taking her own advice and doing the same. I do not say that to defend you or put her down but she is very much hurt and weak. This crisis can be the motivation for her to “build from within”. She needs that as much as you do.

 

I agree with you. From talking to my (our) therapist my wife has issues of her own that she really needs to deal with. Issues that have a direct impact on our relationship. I think Im actually ahead of my wife in dealing with my issues than she is but then I don’t have a cloud of infidelity pain that she threw in my lap like I did her. Either way I have no choice to be patient… patience for her to work through and heal from my affair and patience for her to work on her own issues. Im hopeful that it won’t mean I have to stay in my apartment for the next several years as Id like be with her and be in my home but again…. I have to be patient.

 

Although you both are very hurt this crises can be the catalyst that will boost you both to become stronger in many areas. You have told us that you both are serious Christians and I think that is a real helpful source for possible reconciliation. There are some that think that Christianity is for the weak but real Christianity sets a standard that is so very high and takes enormous diligence to strive to get close to the standards. In other words real Christianity requires being so very strong and put ACTIONS to your words. For starters real Christianity tells you that you must forgive or you will not be forgiven. How is that for starters?

 

Again I strongly agree with you. In some ways Im seeing that while God in no way wanted me to have an affair(s) that was my own doing but He can bring positive out of the negative and I believe that will happen here. IF my wife will allow it. We do need to be strong when we are Christians but the beautiful thing is that when we are weak God is there for us and when we mess up like I did even in a tremendous way I can be forgiven because of my savior. One thing is for sure that this experience has humbled me like no other and Im only 2 months in… I can never look at another person and throw stones… I am the last person look down on someone for a sin or mistake they made in their lives.

 

You are right.. I am thirsty for God. I am doing what I can to work with God rather than against him. He is a jealous God and wants my attention and love and I am giving him that. I am focused on Him. I am thirsty and drinking lots. Thanks for the post.

 

 

*UPDATE*

Today I had an individual counseling session. I often feel like the hour goes by so fast. Id like to sit on that couch for another hour or two. I never even had time to ask the questions I brought with me. She said there was a psychology at work when she suggested the No Contact. She wasn’t annoyed or disappointed at all that we have been talking and have had sex. I guess my therapist was wanting to see what my wife would do if told to not have contact with me. The therapist does however want me try and make sure that if we have sex its under the right circumstances.. that its making love and not just a physical act of sex. My wife has brought up possibly going on a date next week and the therapist says she wants to talk about it with my wife to make sure its also for the right reasons. Meanwhile Im supposed to love myself and cook a nice dinner for myself lol. My daughter is staying with me tonight which Im looking forward to. This will give my wife the house to her self for a day and a half.

 

Some books I ordered came yesterday. I read the first book last night before and after my mens group meeting. I don’t recall if Ive ever read a book cover to cover before in a day. It was a good book titled “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”.. It was a good read for me since so much information and so many books are written for the betrayed spouse it was great reading something geared for the unfaithful spouse. Id highly recommend it for anyone in an affair or who has committed one.

[merrmeade]

Some books I ordered came yesterday. I read the first book last night before and after my mens group meeting. I don’t recall if Ive ever read a book cover to cover before in a day. It was a good book titled “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”.. It was a good read for me since so much information and so many books are written for the betrayed spouse it was great reading something geared for the unfaithful spouse. Id highly recommend it for anyone in an affair or who has committed one.

Sorry if I missed this. How is this going - the men's group?

[Regretful one]

Sorry if I missed this. How is this going - the men's group?

 

It is going well. Thank you for asking.

 

Its a Christian based recovery group called "Celebrate Recovery". It is similar to a 12 step program geared towards those with "hurts, hang ups and addictions".. so basically everyone lol. It is part accountability group, part bible study part just talking to other guys with issues. There are only 8 of us and issues range from alcohol/drug abuse to lust/porn to in my case someone who has committed adultery and is trying to find their way. It is a 7 month class and Ive committed to the group. Ive confessed my poor choices to this group and that my marriage is in serious trouble. It is a group of very humble men who know they can't rely on themselves to "fix" their life issues. I am leaning on my God and on therapy to help me deal with my past mistakes and "hurts".

 

My guess is that I might be taking this class for years. I might be overly ambitious but I also feel that there is a future of me talking with and potentially helping others in my shoes as well as those who are teetering on making similarly poor life altering decisions.

 

Again, thank you for asking.

[merrmeade]

Again, thank you for asking.

Thank you for sharing. I commend your personal goals and efforts to work on yourself and wish you the best.

[Regretful one]

Questions for the BS out there...

 

Just looking for some input... I just read a second book which was geared toward the cheating spouse - this one unlike the first was geared just towards men called "After a Good man cheats". It was a good read and the author (an experienced marriage therapist who is female did an excellent job at writing in a way that is easy for a man to understand. We are after all a little dense when it comes to complex emotional issues.

 

Anyway, in her book she offers do's and don'ts which are very helpful. She also helps with how to answer difficult questions from a betrayed wife. There were parts I could relate to (the difficulty that my wife has had and the emotional roller coaster i sent her on) and other parts that I identified less with mainly being my separation as she didn't discuss that.

 

Towards the end of the book she listed reasons to tell your wife (if she doesn't know such as STD issues, pregnancy of the AP, assumptions she will find out anyway etc..) but says if the WS is fairly certain that his wife won't find out he should not tell her. He should instead suck it up, change his ways and spare his wife the pain and their marriage the scar.

 

For me I don't believe I could have ever forgave myself nor sought forgiveness from God without confessing. I don't believe I could have simply "sucked it up" and went on carrying that lie any longer. I know that I can be a better man/husband by completely coming clean and confessing what I had done. This has been a humbling experience like none other and I needed it to truly become the man I need to be.

 

Question #1 is what women (and men) who have been betrayed think. Would you rather have never known? If the roles were reversed and you had been the cheater (I know you weren't but for argument sake) would you confess or not? What would you recommend a friend do if they were someone who had an affair?

 

Question #2. The book suggests telling as few people as necessary. Leaving that up to the BS to decide. That makes sense but in my case my wife told everyone she works with and requested that I confess to my parents, her parents and my older sons. The book suggests not telling children if at all possible. My therapist/marriage counselor however told me that it was good to confess to my sons and explain to them that I made terrible choices and ask for their forgiveness as well. Then when they saw how I have changed and how I loved their mother better, worked through the issues with her that they would be benefited by seeing how a married couple can work though tough difficult things rather than only divorcing. So thoughts from BS (and WS) on that? Who did you want to know? Did you regret telling people?

 

*UPDATE*

Not that I'm trying to give a minute by minute account of my wife's healing process I would always welcome thoughts. I picked up my daughter yesterday as I had my daughter at my apartment last night. When I picked her up my wife and I hugged for quite a while. Both cried for a moment and then I left. Was good. That was followed by some peak and valley type texting. Then this morning we texted and had a really good conversation which led to some heated conversation (heated in the good way) which led to her driving to my apartment and sneaking in while my daughter slept which led to some amazing connecting which led to a nice breakfast out. After which my wife said that she was going to go so I could have my day with my daughter. She told me that we could sit by each other at church tonight and that she would have me over where she would cook me dinner (she hates to cook btw). She makes it clear that I am not moving back in yet and that there is a lot of work left to do and that she doesn't want to stop my progress of self improvement. But this all a great sign right?? I am trying to stay medium here as my therapist suggested - not get to high or low based on what my wife says to me or does but damn... Am I being nieve to think that she is turning the corner on reconciling? Its only been 2 months since D day mind you. Quick, someone rain on my parade before I get get to high. lol

[aileD]

1. I wanted to know and know everything. There was something wrong in our marriage that made him want to stray. If I didn't know, we couldn't have talked about it and worked (working) through things to improve and affair proof our marriage in the future.

 

2. It's up to the BS. In my experience, the people I did tell now hate my husband....which is hard because we are reconciling. Also since she hasn't decided they are likely to dissuade her from reconciliation because they are looking out for HeR best interests not the best interests of you both. . One of the affair resources I used mentioned surrounding yourself with promarriage friends and family and church members and people that love you and your wife and your marriage.

 

 

I think there are very good signs you are headed toward reconciliation. Your wife is being cautious, and she should be. She's right keep working on yourself. Don't rush things. Reconciliation is a long process.

 

I really wish the best for you.

[Chica80]

It is going well. Thank you for asking.

 

Its a Christian based recovery group called "Celebrate Recovery". It is similar to a 12 step program geared towards those with "hurts, hang ups and addictions".. so basically everyone lol. It is part accountability group, part bible study part just talking to other guys with issues. There are only 8 of us and issues range from alcohol/drug abuse to lust/porn to in my case someone who has committed adultery and is trying to find their way. It is a 7 month class and Ive committed to the group. Ive confessed my poor choices to this group and that my marriage is in serious trouble. It is a group of very humble men who know they can't rely on themselves to "fix" their life issues. I am leaning on my God and on therapy to help me deal with my past mistakes and "hurts".

 

My guess is that I might be taking this class for years. I might be overly ambitious but I also feel that there is a future of me talking with and potentially helping others in my shoes as well as those who are teetering on making similarly poor life altering decisions.

 

Again, thank you for asking.

 

I have some very good friends who the husband cheated. Like you they both attend a similar group. One for the cheating spouse Him and one for the BS her.

 

3 years later they still go but have reconciled and worked really hard to get where they are.

[mikeylo]

Yeah, I agree, she seems to be coming up but of course is cautious, as she should be. I guess you are anxious to have her but dude, take it slow. She is an injured birdy right now. Handle with care.

 

Your behavior is under radar, like it or not. A little thing could reel her into your arms while a tiny one would trigger her up. It's a very delicate situation but when you are armed with love , you can get her back. After sometime has passed, consider taking your vows again with her.

[Regretful one]

Yeah, I agree, she seems to be coming up but of course is cautious, as she should be. I guess you are anxious to have her but dude, take it slow. She is an injured birdy right now. Handle with care.

 

Your behavior is under radar, like it or not. A little thing could reel her into your arms while a tiny one would trigger her up. It's a very delicate situation but when you are armed with love , you can get her back. After sometime has passed, consider taking your vows again with her.

 

Yeah point well taken. Today is a difficult day. After a really good day yesterday where we were together much of it, today she says she is depressed and not as talkative. Im just staying strong. Letting her know I'm there for her in whatever she needs from me and that there is no pressure to get together tonight for dinner as we had talked about.

 

Last night she cried for quite a while in my arms. Is really hard to see that. Its more than just crying too its physical pain she is having. Its hard seeing someone you love in pain like this especially knowing that it was I who caused it.

 

Regarding your vows suggestion. God willing once we get to that point I plan on asking her to marry me again. Getting new rings and having a private ceremony where we can renew our vows. I want that. I also plan to get baptized again but that is something Im just doing on my own independent of her (not that she won't be there, its just not something Ive talked to her about). Thanks for the post.

[Mr Blunt]

By Regretful One

Would you rather have never known? If the roles were reversed and you had been the cheater (I know you weren't but for argument sake) would you confess or not? What would you recommend a friend do if they were someone who had an affair?

 

 

By Blunt

I am the BS and I would confess and the specifics and who I would confess to would be by using the instructions of scriptures. I would get the points of view regarding scriptures from people that take scriptures serious, have been through betrayal, and have my best interest at heart. I would recommend to a friend to do the previous statements. I would also tell the friend that my wife confessed the major issues and I did not want to know all the gory sexual details that would give me nightmares and trouble for decades. The main issue for me was the betrayal and the reasons why and the gory sexual details would just hamper our R. We have been together for over 25 years after the Betrayal and have a good life almost all the time.

 

 

 

By Regretful One

So thoughts from BS (and WS) on that? Who did you want to know? Did you regret telling people?

By Blunt

I only wanted the people to know that loved us both and those that were affected by the betrayal. I did not regret telling those people.

 

 

 

 

 

But this all a great sign right??

YES, it is a great sign

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Regretful

... Am I being naive to think that she is turning the corner on reconciling?

By Blunt

No you are not naïve, she is turning the corner on reconciliation but remember that after turning the corner she will have to climb uphill for several years.

 

 

By Blunt

It is very important that you continue to build yourself up body, mind, emotions, and spirit because you will have to endure your hurts and pains as well as your wife’s hurts and pains for years and that will require you to be strong. You have to be strong enough to be a giver and not a taker. It is also very important that your wife do the same. Betrayal is a monster relationship killer and it takes years of diligent reconciliation actions to rebuild the relationship.

Edited October 16, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[aileD]

Yeah point well taken. Today is a difficult day. After a really good day yesterday where we were together much of it, today she says she is depressed and not as talkative. Im just staying strong. Letting her know I'm there for her in whatever she needs from me and that there is no pressure to get together tonight for dinner as we had talked about.

 

Last night she cried for quite a while in my arms. Is really hard to see that. Its more than just crying too its physical pain she is having. Its hard seeing someone you love in pain like this especially knowing that it was I who caused it.

 

Regarding your vows suggestion. God willing once we get to that point I plan on asking her to marry me again. Getting new rings and having a private ceremony where we can renew our vows. I want that. I also plan to get baptized again but that is something Im just doing on my own independent of her (not that she won't be there, its just not something Ive talked to her about). Thanks for the post.

 

My opinion as a BS? She is enjoying being closer to you...she loves you. Your her husband. But... she is conflicted. Because when she's with you and having s good time it's easy to forget about what you did ...bu realtor is she doesn't want to let herself forget what you did .

 

It's nice and she is hurting because it IS nice and all those other nice times are in question now. Were they real? When you were with OW...and having nice times with W...were you faking?

 

It's easy to just forget and go with the flow...she's struggling with this. Which is good because you don't want a false reconciliation. You don't want her to pretend it never happened and you don't want her to think YOU are pretending I didn't happen.

 

If you had sex which I think it sounds like you did.....I guarantee you all that's in her mind is "did he touch her like he's touching me? ". "His penis was in someone else's vagina, his lips were on someone else's mouth". "Was she better then me?" "Did he tell her he loved her?" She probably has had awful graphic images of you having sex with this OW.

 

So yeah. Two steps forward, one step back. This is why R takes so long