Praying for reconciliation

[mikeylo]

She won't miss you. She will be glad that you , a cheater is gone. She will want someone who , if has done wrong , has the courage to step up and show and be a man who can change.

 

Running away is a big mistake that you made. It won't help reconciliation. It will help her move on from a cheater who can't face her.

[Regretful one]

She won't miss you. She will be glad that you , a cheater is gone. She will want someone who , if has done wrong , has the courage to step up and show and be a man who can change.

 

Running away is a big mistake that you made. It won't help reconciliation. It will help her move on from a cheater who can't face her.

 

I understand what you are saying and agree to a point. I didn't run away though. After counseling my wife felt she needed her space. Needed a separation. Then after more counseling determined that texting our feelings was not helpful.

 

After my counselor seemed to suggest a separation I told my counselor I was done with her and would find someone else. My wife pleaded with me to continue with that counselor. To keep working with her so I did so. Im hoping to find a BS that might think this a good plan so Im not left hopeless here.

[GorillaTheater]

Does your wife like that counselor in particular, or simply wants to continue seeing a counselor? Because if she shares your faith, a faith-based counselor may be a good idea for the two of you.

[BTDT2012]

I applaud you for coming clean to your wife. What you can do now is continue your IC and work to be the man that God has called you to be. Time, transparency and consistency. Pray for and with your wife

[wmacbride]

If you do decide that your counselor is not a good fit for you, don't panic. Many couples have to try a few before they find the right one for them.

 

One hing she recommended- writing things out- is a good idea, especially if you have trouble verbalizing your feelings.

 

also, your wife will want to know all sorts of details, and if you don;t knwo the answer, it's okay to say so. it's better to be honest than try to make up details you aren't sure of.

 

for what it's worth, my husband left a few days after I fund out he had been cheating, and we worked it out. Mind you, the situation was different, as he was being deployed.

 

If your wife is not ready to be in your home right now, you can't force her to, but perhaps you could find some sort of a middle ground. Do you have a secluded spare room in your home where one of you could stay for now, so you can still be under the same roof but have the space you need?

 

One thing that I would highly recommend is that you engage in small acts to show her you care and can be trusted again. It's going to take a long time to do that, but small steps are the way to go. Little acts of thoughtfulness that show you are thinking of her.

[BTDT2012]

I understand what you are saying and agree to a point. I didn't run away though. After counseling my wife felt she needed her space. Needed a separation. Then after more counseling determined that texting our feelings was not helpful.

 

After my counselor seemed to suggest a separation I told my counselor I was done with her and would find someone else. My wife pleaded with me to continue with that counselor. To keep working with her so I did so. Im hoping to find a BS that might think this a good plan so Im not left hopeless here.

 

I am a BS. I think you need to continue to respect your wife's feelings. Give her space to process. You broke the marriage covenant. She has to go through her process to decide whether this marriage is what she wants. My WH and I did separate at my request. Let her work with the counselor to sort out her feelings. We are two years in on working at reconciliation, and I still consider divorce an option.

Edited October 6, 2016 by BTDT2012

[Regretful one]

I am a BS. I think you need to continue to respect your wife's feelings. Give her space to process. You broke the marriage covenant. She has to go through her process to decide whether this marriage is what she wants. My WH and I did separate at my request. Let her work with the counselor to sort out her feelings. We are two years in on working at reconciliation, and I still consider divorce an option.

 

Thank you for the response. I want to respect my wife's feelings and needs. That is why I'm in an apartment instead of my home where Id rather be.

 

You are two years into the process? Are you still separated?

[Chica80]

Regretful....if your wife likes the therapist it's ok for now if she trust her.

You should have your own therapist.

What about your church? Any resources there?

[harrybrown]

Sometimes affair recovery has helped some couples.

 

You can write your wife a timeline of the A, and give her the why if you can.

 

If you put yourself in her shoes, where she had the A, what would you want from her?

 

Try to give that to her. You made decisions. Now she gets to make decisions.

 

In your letter, you can write your feelings to her. And let her know what is in your heart.

 

You could take stds tests and give her the results.

 

Actions speak louder than words now. so try to show her what she wants.

 

If she does want a D, then you can try by writing to save money to show how the D might go.

 

She would want to know why and see remorse.

 

It can take years to overcome and maybe no trust. Give her access to all your phone calls, etc.

 

Good luck.

[BTDT2012]

Thank you for the response. I want to respect my wife's feelings and needs. That is why I'm in an apartment instead of my home where Id rather be.

 

You are two years into the process? Are you still separated?

No, we are back together. You seem very sincere. I hope you are able to work this out.

[Regretful one]

Regretful....if your wife likes the therapist it's ok for now if she trust her.

You should have your own therapist.

What about your church? Any resources there?

 

My wife does like her. She was my therapist originally and has helped me. I started to question the therapists methods and told my wife I was going to look for someone else. My wife was very upset that I was going to do that so I relented and told her I would stay with this therapist. I find myself just so anxious and in a dark place. I know its all my own doing. I get that. I just want to do something and can't. I can't prove to her how sorry I am or how much I truly love her and it is killing me. I know that the time table is not something I have any control over. It is in God's hands and my wife's.

 

I have started going to a men's group at our church. I am working on finding an accountability partner. I am hoping to also find a support group for WS. I don't know what to do with myself most the time and its not even been a week yet on my own.

 

 

Sometimes affair recovery has helped some couples.

 

You can write your wife a timeline of the A, and give her the why if you can.

 

If you put yourself in her shoes, where she had the A, what would you want from her?

 

Try to give that to her. You made decisions. Now she gets to make decisions.

 

In your letter, you can write your feelings to her. And let her know what is in your heart.

 

You could take stds tests and give her the results.

 

Actions speak louder than words now. so try to show her what she wants.

 

If she does want a D, then you can try by writing to save money to show how the D might go.

 

She would want to know why and see remorse.

 

It can take years to overcome and maybe no trust. Give her access to all your phone calls, etc.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you. I am writing to my wife - that is the only communication I can have. I keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings and then once a week I am to send that to her and she can read it if she wants. I find that I don't know what to write. I don't want to just come across as Im whining about my life but I also want to her to know how sorry I am.

 

I have taken two STD tests. I didn't give her the results as they were given via phone calls but I told her the results which were negative.

 

She has access to my phone, computer etc.. when ever she wants it but since we aren't living together or seeing each other.... Eventually (hopefully) when we live together she will have full access of course.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't want to just come across as Im whining about my life but I also want to her to know how sorry I am.

 

I think less is more in this case. Be careful of giving her an unflitered stream as, given her current mindset, she may interpret things differently.

 

I'd also go easy on constant apologizing, it begins to seem self-serving after a while. Not sure why but my WS's apologies just made me angrier.

 

If you think your thoughts are conflicted, you should see what your BS is going through...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chica80]

My wife does like her. She was my therapist originally and has helped me. I started to question the therapists methods and told my wife I was going to look for someone else. My wife was very upset that I was going to do that so I relented and told her I would stay with this therapist. I find myself just so anxious and in a dark place. I know its all my own doing. I get that. I just want to do something and can't. I can't prove to her how sorry I am or how much I truly love her and it is killing me. I know that the time table is not something I have any control over. It is in God's hands and my wife's.

 

I have started going to a men's group at our church. I am working on finding an accountability partner. I am hoping to also find a support group for WS. I don't know what to do with myself most the time and its not even been a week yet on my own.

 

 

I can't give you any advice as a BS... I'm a WS/OW.

 

What I can tell you is, you can take this time to heal. IC is a must. Being alone after all this time must be really hard, and scary. Read, journal, pray, listen to worship. The book I mentioned Changes that Heal has been really, one of the most helpful things I've read. It is not about adultery. But it has helped me immensely with the deeper issues that were factors to my A.

 

There is a song I really like "Brokeness Aside" All Sons and Daughters.

 

IF your wife needs the space give her that. But ask her if there is a way you can see her. Maye start small coffee, go for a walk. She had no control over any of this, the outcome or what has happened. So letting her have the "control" might be what she needs. Just a guess. Continue to show her through your actions. Because words mean nothing.

 

What about your children? Can you have time with them so she can get a break? So she can have a time of rest?

 

I could be totally off on these things. These would be my suggestions.

[road]

You need to move back home.

 

 

You tell your BW you gave her the time to sort things out and now it is time for the both of you to repair the damage. Without that work being done the marriage can not be recovered.

 

 

Also tell her:

 

 

You need to be able to show her how you are behaving to repair the broken trust.

 

 

You need interaction time to reconnect meeting her needs.

 

 

You do not want to waste family financial resources running two house holds.

 

 

If needed you can sleep on the sofa.

 

 

Also getting back home can help prevent an RA.

[Regretful one]

I can't give you any advice as a BS... I'm a WS/OW.

 

What I can tell you is, you can take this time to heal. IC is a must. Being alone after all this time must be really hard, and scary. Read, journal, pray, listen to worship. The book I mentioned Changes that Heal has been really, one of the most helpful things I've read. It is not about adultery. But it has helped me immensely with the deeper issues that were factors to my A.

 

There is a song I really like "Brokeness Aside" All Sons and Daughters.

 

IF your wife needs the space give her that. But ask her if there is a way you can see her. Maye start small coffee, go for a walk. She had no control over any of this, the outcome or what has happened. So letting her have the "control" might be what she needs. Just a guess. Continue to show her through your actions. Because words mean nothing.

 

What about your children? Can you have time with them so she can get a break? So she can have a time of rest?

 

I could be totally off on these things. These would be my suggestions.

 

 

Yes While I was really reluctant to see the separation as a positive in any way I do believe it will serve as a way to help me grow as an individual. It has also only reassured me that I want my wife/family back and that Ill do anything to make that happen. I haven't lived on my own for over 22 years so this is a huge thing for me. Its very surreal.. Reading, journaling, praying and listening to worships/sermons are exactly what Ive spent a lot of time doing. Ill have to look for that book.

 

She has thanked me for giving her this separation. I sense that she needs it and that its what is best right now. She knows Im anxious to be with her and see her.

 

My children - my oldest who moved out a couple years ago actually came over for dinner tonight so I see and talk to him frequently. My youngest will spend every other weekend with me and I also go home twice a week to see her when my wife is working so I stay involved.

[Regretful one]

You need to move back home.

 

You tell your BW you gave her the time to sort things out and now it is time for the both of you to repair the damage. Without that work being done the marriage can not be recovered.

 

Also tell her:

 

You need to be able to show her how you are behaving to repair the broken trust.

 

You need interaction time to reconnect meeting her needs.

 

You do not want to waste family financial resources running two house holds.

 

If needed you can sleep on the sofa.

 

Also getting back home can help prevent an RA.

 

Id love nothing more than to move back home. But I've only been out of our home for a week and I know she wants more time. I signed a 3 month lease and my wife has already asked if I could renew the lease if I needed to. If I forced my way back home it would go against what my wife wants and I need to respect what she wants. For years I have not let her have a voice as she is a very tender person so I really want to focus on providing what I can for her.

 

I have explained my desire to be able to show her my changes and Im hopeful in time she will get a chance to witness them. One of her comments was that I put finances and material things at a higher value than her so the last thing I want to comment about right now is waisting our financial resources.. Ive told her we would sell our house if we needed to in order to give her what she needs and I meant it.

 

There wont be a RA (reoccurring affair?). I have no desire or any temptation for that. I don't even recognize the person that I was 3 months ago.

[Regretful one]

Interesting thing.. we are supposed to be having a "no contact" policy as directed by our counselor. Yet earlier today my wife calls me. We have an hour long phone conversation which went pretty well. That was followed by some texting and then about 30 minutes more of phone conversation followed by some more texting. We had a really good conversation and my wife even laughed some. There were hard parts too and the conversation had ups and downs but I took that as a good sign.

 

She will still say things like "you will do great even if we divorce"... and ask me "If you loved me how could you do that to someone you love"... to which there is not a lot I can say. But then she will also tell me things like "maybe we have a little hope" and tell me "never give up"... I already planned on never giving up but for her to tell me not to gives me such hope.

[MJJean]

RA is a Revenge Affair. The BS striking back.

 

I was a WW in my first marriage. My relationship with exH was ***** and he was incapable of meeting my needs on any level. I only married him because he was a casual sex partner, birth control failed, and I thought I owed it to my child.

 

I'd like to think I would have been able to suck it up and behave honorably, but he cheated. My response was to begin having affairs of my own. Why should he bbe the only one to get to escape, have his needs met, enjoy romantic companionship, etc.?

 

Statistically, the chances of reconciliation after a separation are dismal. Couples who remain in the same home have a much higher rate of success.

[mikeylo]

What she might be feeling is disgust, when she sees you , along with other negative emotions. But staying away is not going to change them to positive feelings. Since your kids are old enough to be on there own, your wife might want to be on her own since you are not there anymore. She doesn't know what you are upto when away. She needs to see the changed man and that can be done only when you demonstrate her, not by moving out.

 

The longer time away, in this situation, more trust issues will arise. What you are now giving her is written words that mean nothing. She needs to see with her eyes.

 

If it was me, I would stay in the same house, maybe in spare room but demonstrate every day and help her heal. Now, your wife is healing on her own , no contribution from you. She doesn't know what you are doing. According to her, you could very well be having a new woman every day!

 

Move back.

[Regretful one]

What she might be feeling is disgust, when she sees you , along with other negative emotions. But staying away is not going to change them to positive feelings. Since your kids are old enough to be on there own, your wife might want to be on her own since you are not there anymore. She doesn't know what you are upto when away. She needs to see the changed man and that can be done only when you demonstrate her, not by moving out.

 

The longer time away, in this situation, more trust issues will arise. What you are now giving her is written words that mean nothing. She needs to see with her eyes.

 

If it was me, I would stay in the same house, maybe in spare room but demonstrate every day and help her heal. Now, your wife is healing on her own , no contribution from you. She doesn't know what you are doing. According to her, you could very well be having a new woman every day!

 

Move back.

 

I wish it were that simple / easy. My wife told me she needed time and wanted me out. I didn't move out because I wanted to. I understand your point and I've voiced those concerns to our counselor and she tells me that she is making recommendations that are going to help my wife and I heal and are based on our situation specifically.

 

My wife actually thanked me a few days ago for moving out and showing her that I was willing to be uncomfortable for her. Putting her needs first. She also said that if I had stayed rather than do what she told me she needed it would have lead to divorce and that me moving out gives us a chance.

 

I think like you and I think she needs to see me... see the change in me. Know I am not out doing things I shouldn't be. But at the moment this is what my counselor and my wife seem to think is best. Its not up to me.

[road]

Counselors only say what their client wants to hear.

 

 

This is why most counselors fail at saving marriages.

 

 

Counselors do this because if they tell your wife does not want to hear she will lose making her weekly fee.

[Regretful one]

Counselors only say what their client wants to hear.

 

 

This is why most counselors fail at saving marriages.

 

 

Counselors do this because if they tell your wife does not want to hear she will lose making her weekly fee.

 

Well Im a client and hearing things I don't want to hear...

 

Its also not just my counselor - I feel I have to listen to my wife. Ive betrayed her. I don't feel now is the time to dominate her with my feelings and tell her Im staying in the house like it or not.

 

According to my counselor about 75% of the couples she sees stay together... thats coming from her. Doesn't mean much but Im hopeful that This counselor knows what she is doing.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Regretful one

[BTDT2012]

Well Im a client and hearing things I don't want to hear...

 

Its also not just my counselor - I feel I have to listen to my wife. Ive betrayed her. I don't feel now is the time to dominate her with my feelings and tell her Im staying in the house like it or not.

 

According to my counselor about 75% of the couples she sees stay together... thats coming from her. Doesn't mean much but Im hopeful that This counselor knows what she is doing.

 

I agree that you should listen to your wife. The fact that she reaches out to talk to you indicates that she hasn't totally given up. You have a 3 month lease. That isn't a terribly long separation, especially when both of you are doing your work. There really isn't a one size fits all process. What you have to accept is that you can't control the process, and this may be a dealbreaker for her.

[mikeylo]

I still differ from your counselor. The separation will help your wife grieve in private. Nothing more. It will not help regaining trust. How is she going to know what you are doing when away ? Apart from your words, your counselor's words now ? Nah.

 

You don't move back by saying I'm here, like it or not. You convince her that by staying together, you want to show and regain her trust in you that can't be done when away. You need to gently reach her heart. She may not be seeing it from this view point now but you don't want her to come and ask you after 3 months, how do I know what you were upto all this time ? Did your other women reject you that now you are back ?

 

It's not about dominating her feelings. It's about regaining her trust. You can't do that from sitting somewhere else.

 

You might regret giving too much space.

[aileD]

Im sorry you have had to deal with this and Im sorry your husband went through similar things as I did. I wish I would have sought counseling before it went this far. I have no plans on stopping counseling even if my wife decides on divorce.

 

 

 

 

I have watched TONS of youtube videos and they are so helpful. I really like watching and hearing other peoples testimonies. It is good to know I am not alone with this problem. I don't know if my wife is also looking at things like that. I hope she is but I don't know if I should be emailing her things especially right now since we are having a no contact situation.

 

No contact at all? Can you text her once a night st bedtime to say "I love you, goodnight". ?

 

Maybe send her an email with the videos?

 

Me and H had times where we had NC except for sending website and YouTube links back and forth....it eventually opened up communication

 

My situation is a little different even though I'm the BS it was me that wanted the R and him who was unsure.

 

butni just kept letting him know I loved him and wanted this.

 

Good luck you do sound sincere and I know how much trauma can mess you up. Keep in mind too, that the trauma you put your wife thru messed and is messing her up too.