Mr. Lucky Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Considering the chronic nature of this issue and considering your lack of initiative and passive nature throughout this ordeal, I actually think you should hire an experienced private investigator that specializes in marital infidelity and leave it to a professional. I'd save the money for sheets and towels at his new place. Whether she's been dancing with another partner, has no feeling for the OP or just no interest in sex, the net effect is all the same - after 16 years, time to go. xyzisnotme, there ia another world out there where people care about each other and have no problem expressing it sexually. Come on and join... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Agreed! ^^ I think it is much less likely that she is having an affair than she has jut lost attraction/the marriage has run its course. It might be appealing to think that there is another reason for the problems in your marriage, but the reality is that whatever the reason, you are very unhappy with your marriage and have been for a long time. As daunting as it must seem to leave, live on your own, and start dating again... It is time to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I'd save the money for sheets and towels at his new place. Whether she's been dancing with another partner, has no feeling for the OP or just no interest in sex, the net effect is all the same - after 16 years, time to go. xyzisnotme, there ia another world out there where people care about each other and have no problem expressing it sexually. Come on and join... Mr. Lucky I don't disagree with either you or Bailey B. However he has shown so little initiative and has been so passive, I think he really needs something like a professional investigator showing him incontrovertible proof of her getting it elsewhere to light a fire under his @$$ and get him to take definitive action. Even if she currently isn't actively involved in an affair right now, the chances are she has been at various points to one degree or another in the past 16 years and maybe that will be his sign. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 I'd save the money for sheets and towels at his new place. Whether she's been dancing with another partner, has no feeling for the OP or just no interest in sex, the net effect is all the same - after 16 years, time to go. xyzisnotme, there ia another world out there where people care about each other and have no problem expressing it sexually. Come on and join... Mr. Lucky I so wish I lived on my own at one time. I might have found myself. I yearn for being independent for the first time in my life. But I am old now. Not senior old but that's coming up in 10 to 15 years. Oh the wasted years!!!! Perhaps there is another life out there. I sure know being in a M where my W does not love me or want to have s with me is pathetic. I'm down. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Perhaps there is another life out there. I sure know being in a M where my W does not love me or want to have s with me is pathetic. . You are being governed by fear of the unknown. Sometimes no matter how miserable and desolate we are, we still take comfort in staying in the same situation because it is predictable and we know how miserable the next day is going to be. But no matter how miserable we are, we fear change and the unknown even worse so we stay. Courage is not the lack of fear and the courageous feel no less fear or apprehension than everyone else. They just do what needs to be done anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 After 16 years even Inspector Cluseau, Mr. Magoo and Sgt Schultz could figure out if there is an A or not. Unless she has multiple unexplained absences I would opine that she simply checked out of sex. Or having procreated to her satisfaction has the "mission accomplished" attitude. Much like deciding if infidelity is a deal breaker, OP has to decide if a sexless marriage is a deal breaker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 Another day..... getting up early for work. W coming home from her visit to family soon. Sigh.... wishing I was single... Everyone says get a divorce... but the greater good is keeping the family intact for the teenager.. that is the greater good of the natural law... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 (edited) You are the victim, suffering for the sake of your teenager... I'm sorry for the tough love, but you will get no sympathy here. It is far better to live a life of integrity, to show your child that you can be happy on your own or in a healthy relationship than to stay with a woman you do not love and treats you badly, because you somehow think this will serve your child. No child wants that for their father. No child wants that kind of responsibility in life. Take some responsibility for your own life and stop being a martyr/blaming others for your unwillingness to change things if you are unhappy. I'm starting to really feel like I understand why your marriage has been sexless for so long... I would have a hard time tolerating this kind of attitude/behavior too... It's not attractive, at all. Edited October 19, 2016 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Begging is unappealing. Ask, instead. If you consistently get a "No" in response, ask someone else. Eventually, you will find someone who says "Yes." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Another day..... getting up early for work. W coming home from her visit to family soon. Sigh.... wishing I was single... Everyone says get a divorce... but the greater good is keeping the family intact for the teenager.. that is the greater good of the natural law... So in other words you scapegoat your son for your misery and put your unhappiness on him. Yeah that's real mature and responsible and he's really going to appreciate that and admire you for your so-called sacrifice. A teenager is aware of the world around them. You are trying to fool yourself into thinking this is a sacrifice you are enduring for him. But in reality it is a burden that you are placing ON him. You are putting the burden of your fear and weakness on him and are teaching him to be weak and fearful. Is that really what you want to role model as a father?? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted October 28, 2016 Author Share Posted October 28, 2016 Do I have the courage to get out of a loveless, sexless marriage? Is a marriage where a wife takes a man totally for granted even worth it? Do I have the courage to stand on my own two feet and risk the rest of my life being alone? I'm in my mid 50s for crying out loud! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 And your point is... My uncle is almost 70. His wife has treated him very badly for years. He finally left her last spring. It has been a terrible few months as they have gone through a legal separation and dealt with the finances - house, money, etc... But, he has a new girlfriend and a trip planned this winter. I have never seen him happier. So, the answer should be yes, it is possible. You are never too old to make a different decision and with age, many decide that life is too short to allow someone to treat you badly. Is that true for you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 I'm in my mid 50s for crying out loud! Which means you've got a life expectancy of another 25-30 years. Will you be here 10 years from now asking if 26 years of begging for sex is too long ??? Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Do I have the courage to get out of a loveless, sexless marriage? Is a marriage where a wife takes a man totally for granted even worth it? Do I have the courage to stand on my own two feet and risk the rest of my life being alone? I'm in my mid 50s for crying out loud! I too was afraid so I didn't pull the trigger and burned another 10 yrs being a slave to a narcissistic controlling bitching woman in a sexless marriage. I looked at her one day and told her I instructed my atty to file for divorce. She looked at me with a very odd smirk and her response was "somebody gave you the strength to do this." Well that pis*ed me off which worked for me because when her blackmail tactics and threats if I do this all fell on deaf ears. What I can tell you is I have never known such happiness and freedom after the divorce business was finalized and things calmed down. Yes there is a period of recovery time but so what. What I was and what you are living in now is certainly no party. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 she is upstairs now in bed looking pretty... and I know she has absolutely no love or desire for me as a man. I feel trapped. Link to post Share on other sites
SpringAngel83 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 She sounds like my boyfriend... ex-boyfriend actually. (We just broke up) He is a dismissive-avoidant and literally cut off physical, sexual, and emotional connection with me. It makes them super uncomfortable depending on anyone for anything. They are also prone to cheating because they can get emotionless sex that way. I highly recommend reading "How to love (or leave) a dismissive partner." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted November 6, 2016 Author Share Posted November 6, 2016 She sounds like my boyfriend... ex-boyfriend actually. (We just broke up) He is a dismissive-avoidant and literally cut off physical, sexual, and emotional connection with me. It makes them super uncomfortable depending on anyone for anything. They are also prone to cheating because they can get emotionless sex that way. I highly recommend reading "How to love (or leave) a dismissive partner." Thanks. I just looked up the book. I don't have the strength to try and get through another book on relationships. Nothing changes her. The only thing for me is to get out of the M or suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 My wife has NOT changed. She will never change. Considering the above, what follows below is a waste of your time. I have been seeking help for years. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Sounds like you are on the brink of a decision. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Thanks. I just looked up the book. I don't have the strength to try and get through another book on relationships. Nothing changes her. The only thing for me is to get out of the M or suffer. How many books on improving relationships has she read? How many books on reconnecting with spouses has she read? How many books on improving her libido and sexual chemistry has she read? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Nothing changes her. The only thing for me is to get out of the M or suffer. For the last decade plus, you've chosen "suffer". Time to try something else ... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 You get one life. Is this honestly the way you want to live this one? Your son will think that to be a martyr to someone who doesn't treat you with love, passion and respect is normal so he will expect nothing more for his own life, and so the cycle goes on and on. IMHO, you aren't married because marriage is a relationship where people are intimate, honest, respectful, committed to the others well being and health, and loving. If you aren't having sex and she ain't concerned about your own needs but tells you to go find another woman, you are not married. I have been married for over twenty two years and my wife is my best friend, my partner and my lover. We have sex every single day unless one of us is sick or away for business. Lovemaking is better now than when we were young. Don't compromise your health and happiness because of fear. Fear is only a roadblock and can be moved by letting go of expectations from people, your wife, who obviously cares very little for you or your needs. Women or men who are sick or depressed or going through menopause will still try their best to work on issues if they respect and love their spouse. If she doesn't care, it means she is just keeping up appearances for your religion and your community. I wouldn't be a martyr for either one of those things because it only means you continue living in fear and doubt, and that is intolerable for a grown man trying to be a good role model to his son. Time to go....call a divorce attorney and know your rights, Grumps 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 How many books on improving relationships has she read? How many books on reconnecting with spouses has she read? How many books on improving her libido and sexual chemistry has she read? She has not read any. I, on the other hand, have tried to get through a few. I have not finished them. But I read threw them. And I have been on forums. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted November 7, 2016 Author Share Posted November 7, 2016 You get one life. Is this honestly the way you want to live this one? Your son will think that to be a martyr to someone who doesn't treat you with love, passion and respect is normal so he will expect nothing more for his own life, and so the cycle goes on and on. IMHO, you aren't married because marriage is a relationship where people are intimate, honest, respectful, committed to the others well being and health, and loving. If you aren't having sex and she ain't concerned about your own needs but tells you to go find another woman, you are not married. I have been married for over twenty two years and my wife is my best friend, my partner and my lover. We have sex every single day unless one of us is sick or away for business. Lovemaking is better now than when we were young. Don't compromise your health and happiness because of fear. Fear is only a roadblock and can be moved by letting go of expectations from people, your wife, who obviously cares very little for you or your needs. Women or men who are sick or depressed or going through menopause will still try their best to work on issues if they respect and love their spouse. If she doesn't care, it means she is just keeping up appearances for your religion and your community. I wouldn't be a martyr for either one of those things because it only means you continue living in fear and doubt, and that is intolerable for a grown man trying to be a good role model to his son. Time to go....call a divorce attorney and know your rights, Grumps You're right. She doesn't care about me... This is true. However, I have burned bridges in my life. And I just burned some more bridges due to a stupid mistake on my part. So now I hardly have any family left who talks to me. I fear if I end my marriage I will be alone... totally alone... expect for a few people..... I wish I could right the wrongs but I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Poe77 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 Hello everyone, I have not been here in a while. I forgot I even had an account here until a kind person from another marriage forum suggested that I give this place a try. Well what do you know. I have been posting here all along! My marriage has not changed. Although I am successfully employed, my wife's behavior has not changed towards me. Sure, everything is fine between us, just as long as I don't expect sex or intimacy. This will never change. So I either stick it out for the sake of our teenager or I get out. I don't to get out because I really frown upon divorce due to my religious beliefs. And besides, I don't even know what it's like to live on my own. Believe it or not, I never have. So here I am again, with the same old lonely story. But it's good to be back. Welcome back im glad you got a job congrats! but sadly from going back over your older posts it seams the ship has sailed long ago on your marriage prob because you were unemployed for so long. I can so sympathize with you wife on this one its really difficult when only one side is solely responsible for taking care of a homes finances in the long run its extremely taxing on that partner no wonder she grew tired of it and basically checked out of the relationship. Honestly im surprised shes not asked for a divorce or you for that matter why stay like this? your child is now a teen? in a few years they will be off on their own are they a older teen? if so I think they can handle the split they have prob sensed the tension of the unhappy marriage for a while anyways.. let them have time to grieve it and move on a bit before they hit young adult hood so they can start out on their own with a fresh view on things... But yeah my own BF was also recently unemployed for over a year the 1st half he basically sat on his ass and played games all day until I made it clear it was getting to be to much for me and he had to get serious or I was going to have to make other arrangements. the only reason we are still together is cause he did get serious and it took him a good 6 month's or more to find a job with daily searches. Dont get me wrong I love him dearly but the stress was just killing me and I was turning out mentally and starting to really resent him im sure this is prob how your wife felt when things started to go south..I dont think it can be saved at this point if even getting a job isn't turning things around its best to just move on now..good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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