Is 16 years of begging for sex too long?

[xyzisnotme]

Agreed. There is nothing anyone can say on this form that will change your circumstances.

 

You have several options - the choice is yours.

 

But right now, you seem mostly content with complaining about your circumstance and hoping, praying, wishing, it was different. With this attitude, how many more years you stay in a sexless marriage is entirely your decision.

 

She is not going to change. She's given no indication that this is a problem for her or that she wants to change. And for you stick it out, hoping that somehow she does change her ways, it's not going to happen. Sorry

 

I know it's not going to happen. She already has said she does not have loving feelings towards me and said if I wanted to have sex then I should marry another woman.

Edited October 6, 2016 by xyzisnotme

[oldshirt]

I know it's not going to happen. She already has said she does not have loving feelings towards me and said if I wanted to have sex then I should marry someone else.

 

The day my wife says that to me is the day I start packing up my stuff and looking for a new place. The next day's task is getting the divorce lawyer.

 

The lawyer should probably come first, so I would need to advise you to secure the lawyer first. but I'd hate to waste a day that I could be moving into my new place.

[xyzisnotme]

Whoa!

 

Back up!

 

WTH man? When did all this go down? Is this emotional affair still going on?

 

You could have mentioned this sooner. This is huge.

She still works there. He is her friend she said. He's an old man "who is not well" she says. Shows the little respect she has for me by still working there. Not saying anything physical was going on, but if she love me like she does him in those emls things would be different.

[xyzisnotme]

The day my wife says that to me is the day I start packing up my stuff and looking for a new place. The next day's task is getting the divorce lawyer.

 

The lawyer should probably come first, so I would need to advise you to secure the lawyer first. but I'd hate to waste a day that I could be moving into my new place.

 

I know. I'm pathetic. Spineless and pathetic. But I won't be forever.

[oldshirt]

I know.

 

 

What is keeping you in your personal dungeon is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Fear of loss of what little peanuts you have. Fear of judgement.

 

You also have a rip-roaring case of oneitis where you think she is your one and only chance for love so you fear if you leave, you will never find love again.

 

And you have a bad case of "sunken cost fallacy" where you think since you have put in over a decade and a half, you fear that you have already put in so much time and effort that you feel you need to keep trying so that all your previous time and effort doesn't go in vain.

 

But no matter how many big words and fancy terms you use, the bottom line is still fear.

 

You will leave and start a new life for yourself when the real and present pain and anguish that you experience now, outweighs your fear and apprehension about the future.

[MJJean]

Wow you know your stuff! I was told by Catholics that I should NOT have sexual relations with my wife until I get a Convalidation ceremony by the Church. I never heard of a Radical Sanation. That's interesting.

 

I was Protestant and my DH was Catholic. We both fell away and became Pagan, Atheist, and then Agnostic before he decided to return to the Church. Since I had been previously legally married, DH couldn't partake of the Sacraments and I couldn't convert until that marriage was resolved. By resolved, I mean either annulled or exH died. I did my own annulment because I couldn't afford a Canon Lawyer. I spent quite some time researching and talking to our pastor as well as getting a bit of info from a Canon Lawyer that was kind enough to spend time helping others on a Catholic forum.

 

Your friends are sort of, mostly, right. Let me try to explain.

 

People who are invalidly married commit a Mortal Sin every time they have sex with their spouses. Remember, the marriage isn't religiously valid. It's the same as having sex outside of wedlock as far as the Church is concerned.

 

Normally, a person would sin, repent their sin, go to Confession, receive Absolution, and be eligible for other Sacraments. However, for the confession to be valid, the person must truly repent and do their best to sin no more.

 

Religiously invalid-legally valid married couples having sex aren't able to truly repent and make a valid confession if they are going to continue having sex.

 

So, a pastoral solution is to ask the couple "live as brother and sister" until such time as they get their marriage situation straightened out and are validly married within the Church. Not all priests make this solution available to their parishioners.

 

My pastor offered us this solution. I would have gone to Confession, been Confirmed, and then had the Convalidation ceremony and been all good in the Lord's eyes.

 

Unfortunately, I am weak. I was waiting on an Annulment before the reforms and the average wait time was 16 months or more. Plus time to prepare for Confirmation and the Convalidation. I knew there was no way I could possibly go that long without sex. We did try once, unofficially, to see if we could do it in order to be Confirmed when our daughter got Baptized and Confirmed, but we only lasted 2 weeks. I hope God understands.

 

EDIT: BE WARNED!!! If you choose to Convalidate or have a Radical Sanation, your marriage will be considered valid by the Church. Meaning, if you ever did divorce you'd have to have a formal nullity case and may not have grounds for a Decree of Nullity. If you choose to have your marriage recognized by the Church, be very sure.

Edited October 7, 2016 by MJJean

[xyzisnotme]

I was Protestant and my DH was Catholic. We both fell away and became Pagan, Atheist, and then Agnostic before he decided to return to the Church. Since I had been previously legally married, DH couldn't partake of the Sacraments and I couldn't convert until that marriage was resolved. By resolved, I mean either annulled or exH died. I did my own annulment because I couldn't afford a Canon Lawyer. I spent quite some time researching and talking to our pastor as well as getting a bit of info from a Canon Lawyer that was kind enough to spend time helping others on a Catholic forum.

 

Your friends are sort of, mostly, right. Let me try to explain.

 

People who are invalidly married commit a Mortal Sin every time they have sex with their spouses. Remember, the marriage isn't religiously valid. It's the same as having sex outside of wedlock as far as the Church is concerned.

 

Normally, a person would sin, repent their sin, go to Confession, receive Absolution, and be eligible for other Sacraments. However, for the confession to be valid, the person must truly repent and do their best to sin no more.

 

Religiously invalid-legally valid married couples having sex aren't able to truly repent and make a valid confession if they are going to continue having sex.

 

So, a pastoral solution is to ask the couple "live as brother and sister" until such time as they get their marriage situation straightened out and are validly married within the Church. Not all priests make this solution available to their parishioners.

 

My pastor offered us this solution. I would have gone to Confession, been Confirmed, and then had the Convalidation ceremony and been all good in the Lord's eyes.

 

Unfortunately, I am weak. I was waiting on an Annulment before the reforms and the average wait time was 16 months or more. Plus time to prepare for Confirmation and the Convalidation. I knew there was no way I could possibly go that long without sex. We did try once, unofficially, to see if we could do it in order to be Confirmed when our daughter got Baptized and Confirmed, but we only lasted 2 weeks. I hope God understands.

 

EDIT: BE WARNED!!! If you choose to Convalidate or have a Radical Sanation, your marriage will be considered valid by the Church. Meaning, if you ever did divorce you'd have to have a formal nullity case and may not have grounds for a Decree of Nullity. If you choose to have your marriage recognized by the Church, be very sure.

 

What does a Decree of Nullity mean? An Annulment? So I either not have sex, and leave, or get my marriage Convalidated by the Church and still live without sex and be stuck because the Church now recognized my marriage?

 

Your knowledge is impressive. Are you a lawyer?

[stillafool]

She still works there. He is her friend she said. He's an old man "who is not well" she says. Shows the little respect she has for me by still working there. Not saying anything physical was going on, but if she love me like she does him in those emls things would be different.

 

Believe it or not, even old, sick men want sex.

[stillafool]

I know it's not going to happen. She already has said she does not have loving feelings towards me and said if I wanted to have sex then I should marry another woman.

 

Sir, what do you have to lose by leaving this woman? You can get a roommate to share expenses if you just want another body in the house. That is basically what you have here. Don't you want to be happy?

[Michelle ma Belle]

OP, are you really that religious? I mean, do you go to church regularly and have had all your sacraments and abide by the religious law on a regular and consistent basis?

[MJJean]

What does a Decree of Nullity mean? An Annulment? So I either not have sex, and leave, or get my marriage Convalidated by the Church and still live without sex and be stuck because the Church now recognized my marriage?

 

Your knowledge is impressive. Are you a lawyer?

 

Decree of Nullity is the formal term for Annulment, yes.

 

You stated your options accurately.

 

When DH returned to the Church, I knew enough to know he'd need me to get an Annulment and have a Church ceremony to be able to receive the Sacraments, especially important to him being Communion. So, I went on a research spree. Days and days. I went to Mass with DH so I could hear him sing in the choir and to speak to his priest about starting the Annulment process. I already had the forms downloaded and filled out (21 pages ) It was Pentecost and the Spirit spoke to me. I knew I was home and decided that day to convert. So, I started doing more research to better understand the faith. I am a SAHM.

 

OP, are you really that religious? I mean, do you go to church regularly and have had all your sacraments and abide by the religious law on a regular and consistent basis?

 

You don't have to be that religious to be concerned with the "big stuff". I know a lot of folks of faith who aren't exactly living it out in daily life, but who have certain lines they won't cross because they believe God would be extremely angry.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't have to be that religious to be concerned with the "big stuff". I know a lot of folks of faith who aren't exactly living it out in daily life, but who have certain lines they won't cross because they believe God would be extremely angry.

 

The OP needs to summon a little righteous anger of his own...

 

Me. Lucky

[xyzisnotme]

OP, are you really that religious? I mean, do you go to church regularly and have had all your sacraments and abide by the religious law on a regular and consistent basis?

 

 

I try to be a person of faith. I have always had a strong sense of God and the life here after. But I am also a person who has a very strong sex drive. It's love to me. I could care less about booze or drugs. None of that is a temptation to me. But sex has always been my big temptation. It's funny and a shame how the one thing I feel I need I don't get when I am married. It's really ironic.

[xyzisnotme]

Sir, what do you have to lose by leaving this woman? You can get a roommate to share expenses if you just want another body in the house. That is basically what you have here. Don't you want to be happy?

 

I would not want a roommate. People are trouble. I really would like to live on my own. This way I could think and reflect. I would be a better person for it.

[xyzisnotme]

Believe it or not, even old, sick men want sex.

 

 

This is very true.

[xyzisnotme]

Decree of Nullity is the formal term for Annulment, yes.

 

You stated your options accurately.

 

 

 

 

 

MJJean if that's the cause about by marriage and the Catholic Church, then I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or am I? I either stay in a sexless marriage and remain as brother and sister because the Catholic Church does not recognize our marriage as valid, and having sex would be sin, or I get a (forgot the spelling of the words) and have the church recognize our marriage and stay in a sexless marriage with a harder chance of getting an annulment, or I get out.

[MJJean]

MJJean if that's the cause about by marriage and the Catholic Church, then I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or am I? I either stay in a sexless marriage and remain as brother and sister because the Catholic Church does not recognize our marriage as valid, and having sex would be sin, or I get a (forgot the spelling of the words) and have the church recognize our marriage and stay in a sexless marriage with a harder chance of getting an annulment, or I get out.

 

Well, if you're going to stay in the marriage you should get the Convalidation so that having sex (if she ever allows it) wouldn't be sinful because she would be your wife by religious rite as well as by law.

 

If you're not staying in the marriage, get the legal divorce, get the Annulment, and get on with your life as a free man.

[xyzisnotme]

Well, if you're going to stay in the marriage you should get the Convalidation so that having sex (if she ever allows it) wouldn't be sinful because she would be your wife by religious rite as well as by law.

 

If you're not staying in the marriage, get the legal divorce, get the Annulment, and get on with your life as a free man.

 

 

Yeah but sex once a year if that is not acceptable. I really have a hard decision to make.

[Cephalopod]

I'm not knocking your religious beliefs, but the amount of power you allow your church to have over your life is absolutey mind boggling to me. This is the 21st Century, not the Middle Ages.

[Nutz4Cords]

I wouldn't spend one more minute in a sexless marriage. She's obviously not in love with u, not attracted to u...You're not doing your teenager any favors either...He(she) will learn that marriage lacks passion, and u don't want that for yourself or your child.

Divorce, leaving on your own, dating is definitely scary as hell, but u only have one life...don't waste it...

U don't want to be that sad lonely 95 year old looking back at a lifetime of cohabitating with a roommate...a lifetime of longing for passion, for love, for affection...

[xyzisnotme]

I'm not knocking your religious beliefs, but the amount of power you allow your church to have over your life is absolutey mind boggling to me. This is the 21st Century, not the Middle Ages.

Thank you for not knocking my religious beliefs. But why do you assume just because I am religious I remain in a Middle Ages mentality? Nothing can be further from the truth. It's early so I do not have the brain power to explain.

 

 

I wouldn't spend one more minute in a sexless marriage. She's obviously not in love with u, not attracted to u...You're not doing your teenager any favors either...He(she) will learn that marriage lacks passion, and u don't want that for yourself or your child.

Divorce, leaving on your own, dating is definitely scary as hell, but u only have one life...don't waste it...

U don't want to be that sad lonely 95 year old looking back at a lifetime of cohabitating with a roommate...a lifetime of longing for passion, for love, for affection...

 

Everyone says I would be doing my teenager a favor. How? By having my teenager in a fatherless home? Hasn't studies proven that having a teenager grow up without a father in their own home shown the damage it has done?'

 

And as for going out and finding a new woman, well, at my age it's not as easy as it once was. I'm in my 50s. Maybe I am wrong about that. I certainly hope so. But one thing you and I can both agree on. The more things change the more they stay the same. Unless I go through some real changes, which I hope I will, I'll just go out and find myself in the same situation.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

Everyone says I would be doing my teenager a favor. How? By having my teenager in a fatherless home? Hasn't studies proven that having a teenager grow up without a father in their own home shown the damage it has done?'

 

.

 

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!! Hang on here a minute!

 

Are you saying that if you were to divorce your wife you would abandon your child and never be involved in his/her life again and not support and love him/her??????????

 

Yes, children are negatively impacted by abandonment and neglect and abuse etc etc

 

Are you going to abandon and neglect or abuse your child just because you divorce your wife and live in a separate home?

 

Children are NOT harmed by living with two loving, supportive, involved parents who happen to not be married and happen to live in two separate homes.

 

Let's keep our feet on the ground and look at reality here a little bit and not get carried away with wild imaginations.

[oldshirt]

 

And as for going out and finding a new woman, well, at my age it's not as easy as it once was. I'm in my 50s. Maybe I am wrong about that. I certainly hope so. But one thing you and I can both agree on. The more things change the more they stay the same. Unless I go through some real changes, which I hope I will, I'll just go out and find myself in the same situation.

 

I'm 52 and although I am currently married without plans of divorcing, I feel like in many ways I would actually have more success in dating and achieving a satisfactory relationship now than I did in my youth.

 

Now I will agree with you that you will probably have to make some serious personal changes and changes in your demeanor and mentality and behaviors to end up back in a sexless relationship again.

 

You appear through your writings to have some very rigid and closed beliefs and behaviors that likely inhibit your masculinity and sexual prowess.

[BaileyB]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!! Hang on here a minute!

 

Are you saying that if you were to divorce your wife you would abandon your child and never be involved in his/her life again and not support and love him/her??????????

 

Yes, children are negatively impacted by abandonment and neglect and abuse etc etc

 

Are you going to abandon and neglect or abuse your child just because you divorce your wife and live in a separate home?

 

Children are NOT harmed by living with two loving, supportive, involved parents who happen to not be married and happen to live in two separate homes.

 

Let's keep our feet on the ground and look at reality here a little bit and not get carried away with wild imaginations.

 

This. You do have some very limiting beliefs re: marriage, family, dating, and who you are/what you are capable of achieving for your life. If you are considering making a big change in your life, you would be well served to find a counsellor to help you - because your thinking is a little distorted.

[Mr. Lucky]

And as for going out and finding a new woman, well, at my age it's not as easy as it once was. I'm in my 50s. Maybe I am wrong about that. I certainly hope so.

 

xyzisnotme, your answer isn't finding a "new woman". Passively expecting another person to deliver happiness to you like it was a take-out pizza is the same approach that's kept you in a dysfunctional marriage for 16 years.

 

Work on being a better you. Have values you stand for, boundaries you enforce and qualities you offer. Married or single, the benefits are obvious...

 

Mr. Lucky