Is 16 years of begging for sex too long?

[Alltohim]

You really should consider counseling. A counselor would be able to help you get to some of the issues you have between you.

[xyzisnotme]

So somewhere in your religious texts it says your happiness means nothing if it means a failed marriage? Your religion would rather you be miserable and married then divorced and happy? Sounds like a wonderful religion.

 

Did you guys have sex before marriage or did you wait for religious reasons?

 

How much sex have you had in 16 years marriage? Obviously at least once if you have a kid. So what is the number?

 

Fact is if someone is not interested in sex at all that won't change no matter what you do. They have to want it. You can't do anything at all to change their mind set on the subject. So people will say "try this or that" but it is futile. Wasted effort. You would be better served using that effort and energy on divorce and pursuit of a life that makes you happy.

 

Yes we did have sex before marriage. We knew it was wrong. But we did. And a lot of it. That's why I can't figure out why she changed when we got married....

[xyzisnotme]

You really should consider counseling. A counselor would be able to help you get to some of the issues you have between you.

 

I went for counseling. When my wife agreed to go she STOPPED going once the marriage councilor challenged her. Turns out she was sending nice emails to her bss. I'm sure nothing physical was going on... just emotional.

[xyzisnotme]

I was raised Catholic and lived my a big chunk of my life with an enormous amount of fear and especially guilt thanks my mother and her religious rearing. Gotta love Italian mothers, lol.

 

I too was married (4 years dating / 16 years married) and spent more than 8 years of it completely sexless and against my will. How you can go for 16 is beyond me.

 

I stayed for as long as I did for a bunch of reasons but the shame and guilt and 'worry' about what would happen to my soul if I divorced did weigh heavily on my heart.

 

During that time I did a LOT of soul searching and even more therapy to try and make some sense of my life and maybe even make some peace with how my life had turned out. What I learned is that life is too short ESPECIALLY to be unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

I also realized that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. My husband broke his promise to me when he decided for the both that sex wasn't important anymore. He robbed both me and our marriage of something so beautiful and so very necessary. How could God be okay with that?? I was convinced that God couldn't possibly see that as okay, especially since I tried whatever I could to save our marriage.

 

I'm now divorced 7 years and have ZERO regrets about having left the marriage. I'm happier than I've ever been and am enjoying my life on MY terms and that includes having a very active and exciting sex life.

 

Although I had been struggling with my faith for a long time before this all happened, I am even more disillusioned with any religion that uses guilt and fear as a means of controlling people and keeping them stuck in unhappy and unhealthy situations. I know I'm a good person with a good soul and have always done what was expected of me or what was 'right' which made me question why I was given the dish I was served. If God judges me solely on the basis of my divorce rather than the whole of me then I have no desire to be part of any religion where he's apart of. It's as simple as that.

 

 

Besides, lets put it into perspective, if you've ever used the the Lord's name in vain, had premarital sex, masturbated, have impure thoughts or lust after other women, have been jealous of your friends, coveted people or things...and on and on we go...then you've basically already committed countless sins according to the Catholic church. I mean, if you're going to play the religion card than you better be perfect in your faith all along.

 

What's a divorce in the grand scheme of things?

 

Wow. This is an impressive post. Thank you.

I have returned to the Catholic Church. I have found that much of those in religion have a compassionate view of marriage and divorce. I would like into an annulment if I go through with it. I'm going to be 60 in several years and I know my days are few in the whole gyst of life. What do I have, 30 years more? YIKES!!! I feel I should be there for my teenager.... I also know I do not want to live without love, sex and affection.... I also know I am afraid of being alone.... I never have lived on my own..... I have a lot of fear.

Please forgive my rant... I just woke up. lol

[xyzisnotme]

Please answer my question as well. I am also Catholic and have spent a great deal of time researching matrimony and the Canon Law relating to it.

 

According to the Church, a Catholic is obligated to marry in the Church or receive dispensation to marry in a different form. If the marriage was not in the Church and you did not receive dispensation, the marriage is invalid and you are, indeed, free to leave from a religious point of view.

 

We were not married in the Catholic Church... this worries me. We were not even married inside a Church, but by a Protestant minister in a reception hall. I know the Catholic Church has an issue with this. I was a Catholic, went to Protestantism and returned to the Catholic Church a few years ago.

[xyzisnotme]

xyz, we need more facts. Have you let yourself go? Are there deep-seated resentments? Does your wife have health issues? etc.

 

Also, please answer my question about God. That was asked seriously.

 

I am in good shape. I am slim and fit. I take care of my appearance.

My wife MIGHT have hormonal issues. She seems to be in okay health. By hormonal issues I mean no sex drive. She refuses to get medical help for this. Does she have resentment? Probably. She keeps it in her pocket as a reason for not wanting sex if you ask me. Sure I have said stupid mean things in the past. But so has she. I really believe she just does not want sex and that's that.

 

You asked a question about God. I can't recall what it was. I am a Catholic. I was raised Catholic but went to Protestantism... I have returned to the Catholic Church a few years ago. We were not married in the Catholic Church.

 

Please ask me again about God if I missed your original question.

 

Thanks.

[xyzisnotme]

Sex every 3 months is "duty sex" to shut you up and to keep from getting thrown out of the house.

 

This is usually an attraction issue.

 

Look up "married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. He has a number of books, blogs and website forums that deal primarily with married men getting their wive's attraction back (assuming they were ever attracted to them at all in the first place)

 

Get those books and get on the forums there and start working on getting your sexy back.

 

This has been going in so long and she may never have been into you sexually so this will take a long time to work if at all.

 

You need to work on getting more fit and better looking and more masculine and assertive and sexy to catch her attention and illicit a change in her attraction.

 

She may and she may not. But if you can get more attractive and sexy, even if she doesn't, someone else will. At that point you can decide whether to keep her around or not.

 

I have read "married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay back in 2014 and it did not good. My wife has NOT changed. She will never change. I am not new to this desperate plea for help. I have been seeking help for years. Nothing changes her... nothing. I am not new to this. I know of most of the forums online for this problem. After years of posting and getting responses for this problem my wife has only gotten worse. I realize she will never ever change.

 

I am in good shape. I got my sexy back.

[xyzisnotme]

There might be one issue that involves lack of attraction from my wife. Every since I went gray my W has said I look like my brother. She said that a few years ago. AND THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT. I think i'm an okay looking guy. But maybe she is repelled by me because she sees him.

[xyzisnotme]

1Cor 7:3-4 (NRS) The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

 

What part of the Bible does your wife believe in?

 

I read my wife this scripture verse a year ago. She never knew it existed. She was shocked! Shocked! After I read it to her she said she "felt pressured" and that was that.

[oldshirt]

If you have done all of this, then I don't know what more you want from or any other forum.

 

You options are suck it up and live with it and quit moaning about it because it is your decision to stay.

 

Leave and find someone else.

 

Get her permission to see other women with her knowledge and consent.

 

See other women without her knowledge and consent.

 

All of those options have their own set of risks and benefits, pros and cons.

 

Pick one and roll with it.

[elaine567]

What contraception are you using, if any?

Fear of pregnancy may be behind this.

 

Papal teaching on Contraception - Catholics and Contraception

 

OBSERVATION 1. Pope Francis reiterates that sexual intercourse normally aims at procreation. This should be respected, he says.

[stillafool]

What contraception are you using, if any?

Fear of pregnancy may be behind this.

 

Papal teaching on Contraception - Catholics and Contraception

 

OBSERVATION 1. Pope Francis reiterates that sexual intercourse normally aims at procreation. This should be respected, he says.

 

If he's close to 60 she may be also and therefore not be able to get pregnant.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. There is nothing anyone can say on this form that will change your circumstances.

 

You have several options - the choice is yours.

 

But right now, you seem mostly content with complaining about your circumstance and hoping, praying, wishing, it was different. With this attitude, how many more years you stay in a sexless marriage is entirely your decision.

 

She is not going to change. She's given no indication that this is a problem for her or that she wants to change. And for you stick it out, hoping that somehow she does change her ways, it's not going to happen. Sorry

Edited October 6, 2016 by BaileyB

[MJJean]

We were not married in the Catholic Church... this worries me. We were not even married inside a Church, but by a Protestant minister in a reception hall. I know the Catholic Church has an issue with this. I was a Catholic, went to Protestantism and returned to the Catholic Church a few years ago.

 

Then your marriage is invalid.

 

Unlike long form Decree Of Nullity proceedings, your case would be a rubber stamp process. IF you decide to divorce, all you need to do is submit a copy of your Baptsim certificate, your marriage license showing you were married outside the Church, and a copy of the diovrce decree. Depending on the caseload of the local Tribunal, your case would take about 3-8 weeks on average. Then you'd be free to marry or not, as you wish.

 

If you decide to stay married to this woman, you have options to make things right.

 

If she would be willing, you can have a Convalidation ceremony. Basically, a Convalidation is just the standard wedding ceremony, but a bit more low key since the couple has already been married legally for some time. The marriage is entered into the Sacramental record as having been solemnized that day. In my area, people who have Convalidations usually do the ceremony before, during, or after regular Sunday Mass and it only takes a few minutes. Some have a large to do when they finally get their marriage recognized by the Church, but that's more rare.

 

If you decide to stay and your wife WON'T have a Convalidation, you can apply for a Radical Sanation. Radical Sanation retroactively validates the marriage from when the legal ceremony was performed. It is only used when the other spouse refuses a Church ceremony, is a paperwork process, and is usually fairly speedy.

 

Anyways, the bottom line is that your marriage isn't valid according to the Church and you aren't stuck in it for religious reasons. You have options.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Wow. This is an impressive post. Thank you.

I have returned to the Catholic Church. I have found that much of those in religion have a compassionate view of marriage and divorce. I would like into an annulment if I go through with it. I'm going to be 60 in several years and I know my days are few in the whole gyst of life. What do I have, 30 years more? YIKES!!! I feel I should be there for my teenager.... I also know I do not want to live without love, sex and affection.... I also know I am afraid of being alone.... I never have lived on my own..... I have a lot of fear.

Please forgive my rant... I just woke up. lol

 

Again, I've been exactly where you are only I'm a woman which in many cases can be far more daunting.

 

Both me and my ex are Italian and adult children tend to live at home until they marry (apart from both of us having gone away for school). Throwing a WOMAN back into the dating pool at 40 is infinitely more challenging than a man's experience. Add to that the additional worry, stress, physical, financial and emotional well being of children and it's no wonder why so many women stay in unhappy marriages. The last time I was single was when I was 19 for heaven's sake. Talk about FEAR!

 

But guess what? It's all survivable. I did it and if I can, anyone can. I should have left my marriage years before I did but hung on for as long as I did partly because I was hopeful things would change and partly because I was beyond petrified of being set free and alone and unloved.

 

I couldn't have been more wrong. Once I decided I couldn't live one more day pretending to be happy and faking a life with someone who clearly didn't see me the way he used to I made the leap of faith. Anything would be better than this I thought and I'm happy to tell you that it was

 

Happiness is in YOUR control after all. Remember that. Don't like what's happening in your life? You have three options; suck it up and shut up, change it or change yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Again, I've been exactly where you are only I'm a woman which in many cases can be far more daunting.

 

Ms. Belle, rare I disagree with you but, even with your qualifiers, don't think this is true. The pain of rejection sucks equally for both sexes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

When my wife agreed to go she STOPPED going once the marriage councilor challenged her. Turns out she was sending nice emails to her boss. I'm sure nothing physical was going on... just emotional.

 

xyzisnotme, with this in her history, wouldn't you be somewhat suspicious if she suddenly became sexually active with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Ms. Belle, rare I disagree with you but, even with your qualifiers, don't think this is true. The pain of rejection sucks equally for both sexes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, but the societal assumption is that men always want sex, so if he doesn't want sex, then there must be something seriously wrong with her...

[road]

I went for counseling. When my wife agreed to go she STOPPED going once the marriage councilor challenged her. Turns out she was sending nice emails to her bss. I'm sure nothing physical was going on... just emotional.

 

Your WW is having an affair.

 

 

Many WW's cut off sex for their BH when they are doing their OM.

 

 

Your WW and OM have learned to hide this affair and have continued it. This is why you have been cut off.

[xyzisnotme]

Your WW is having an affair.

 

 

Many WW's cut off sex for their BH when they are doing their OM.

 

 

Your WW and OM have learned to hide this affair and have continued it. This is why you have been cut off.

 

Well I hope that's not true. Any suggestions on how I can find out for sure? I have no access to emails or phones.

And I have been cut off from day one of our marriage. Through the entire history of my marriage I have had to beg for sex.

[xyzisnotme]

xyzisnotme, with this in her history, wouldn't you be somewhat suspicious if she suddenly became sexually active with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes I would become suspicious. But she hasn't become sexually active with me. But indeed I would be suspicious. But the truth is, she went from hardly anything to nothing at all.

[xyzisnotme]

I have done wrong... probably worse. Out of desperation there have been times when I did wrong. I went and got massages and they went too far. Immoral and wrong and no excuse. I know that. Even though I was at the end of my rope it does not give me an excuse. I never had intercourse or oral but I might as well have. I just want to get that out there. I don't want to paint myself as a saint.

[xyzisnotme]

Again, I've been exactly where you are only I'm a woman which in many cases can be far more daunting.

 

Both me and my ex are Italian and adult children tend to live at home until they marry (apart from both of us having gone away for school). Throwing a WOMAN back into the dating pool at 40 is infinitely more challenging than a man's experience. Add to that the additional worry, stress, physical, financial and emotional well being of children and it's no wonder why so many women stay in unhappy marriages. The last time I was single was when I was 19 for heaven's sake. Talk about FEAR!

 

But guess what? It's all survivable. I did it and if I can, anyone can. I should have left my marriage years before I did but hung on for as long as I did partly because I was hopeful things would change and partly because I was beyond petrified of being set free and alone and unloved.

 

I couldn't have been more wrong. Once I decided I couldn't live one more day pretending to be happy and faking a life with someone who clearly didn't see me the way he used to I made the leap of faith. Anything would be better than this I thought and I'm happy to tell you that it was

 

Happiness is in YOUR control after all. Remember that. Don't like what's happening in your life? You have three options; suck it up and shut up, change it or change yourself.

 

Good luck.

 

You're sounding more like me every time I read your post. I too am Italian. I never lived on my own. I lived with my parents until I got married which was close to middle age! Sad I know. But that's just the way life worked out. I too am afraid of being on my own, although I so wish I experienced that. I would LOVE to be on my own but I just never have. I guess my fear I mean I worry I am not up to speed on taking care of buying a condo or paying rent. But I know this is nonsense, because I would do great! GREAT! My biggest fear is not being loved and never having a NORMAL woman love me! At my age (I'm old), I fear being alone.

[xyzisnotme]

Then your marriage is invalid.

 

Unlike long form Decree Of Nullity proceedings, your case would be a rubber stamp process. IF you decide to divorce, all you need to do is submit a copy of your Baptsim certificate, your marriage license showing you were married outside the Church, and a copy of the diovrce decree. Depending on the caseload of the local Tribunal, your case would take about 3-8 weeks on average. Then you'd be free to marry or not, as you wish.

 

If you decide to stay married to this woman, you have options to make things right.

 

If she would be willing, you can have a Convalidation ceremony. Basically, a Convalidation is just the standard wedding ceremony, but a bit more low key since the couple has already been married legally for some time. The marriage is entered into the Sacramental record as having been solemnized that day. In my area, people who have Convalidations usually do the ceremony before, during, or after regular Sunday Mass and it only takes a few minutes. Some have a large to do when they finally get their marriage recognized by the Church, but that's more rare.

 

If you decide to stay and your wife WON'T have a Convalidation, you can apply for a Radical Sanation. Radical Sanation retroactively validates the marriage from when the legal ceremony was performed. It is only used when the other spouse refuses a Church ceremony, is a paperwork process, and is usually fairly speedy.

 

Anyways, the bottom line is that your marriage isn't valid according to the Church and you aren't stuck in it for religious reasons. You have options.

 

Wow you know your stuff! I was told by Catholics that I should NOT have sexual relations with my wife until I get a Convalidation ceremony by the Church. I never heard of a Radical Sanation. That's interesting.

[Cephalopod]

I went for counseling. When my wife agreed to go she STOPPED going once the marriage councilor challenged her. Turns out she was sending nice emails to her bss. I'm sure nothing physical was going on... just emotional.

 

Whoa!

 

Back up!

 

WTH man? When did all this go down? Is this emotional affair still going on?

 

You could have mentioned this sooner. This is huge.