Is 16 years of begging for sex too long?

[Popsicle]

No it's not too long. You could go another 20.

[BaileyB]

I think it's fair to say that after 16 years, it's unlikely that she will change her position. It's unlikely that one day she will decide she really likes and wants regular sex. If you are waiting for that day, you should probably stop.

 

You have to decide what is most important to you. There is nothing wrong with ending a marriage that is not meeting your needs. It is far better for your teenager to have an amicable separation than two parents who live together in misery.

[Lion Heart]

It's far too long.

 

There are many great suggestions for you counselling. MC. Speaking with one of your religious leaders.

 

(Sorry exWH family were very religious in their religion, their family and priests were paedophiles, had multiple affairs, caught AIDS from prostitutes when they were married.

My family were of another religion but very quickly accepted divorce, especially where infidelity, physical abuse were concerned).

 

Basically it boils down to 1 of 2 choices.

1) stay and resign yourself to a life of misery or

2) leave divorce and take your chances in the big wide world.

 

Have a think about what the 90y old you would say to yourself. Do that.

 

My ex mother-in-law told me once she couldn't stand to think she'd be the first to die in her M.

She wanted to experience GOOD SEX for once.

Have even 1 more partner.

Her times running out.

 

ExWH wanted me to die so it looked better in his family's eyes. Plus he could get all the assets. Yes. He told me.

Any time I got sick he'd get excited.

 

Luckily we're divorcing. Lucky for me.

 

Have you ever thought that YOUR WIFE would love to be in another relationship?

Be "loved" the way she wants?

 

Anyway lastly, what would you tell your son or daughter to do? If they were in the EXACT SAME position as you are now?

 

Answer everybody's questions carefully and reflect on the answers.

 

This is about YOU after all.

 

Lion Heart

[xyzisnotme]

Thanks for all of your responses. I will respond and continue shortly.

Thank you.

[sandylee1]

I have never, nor will I ever begged for sex in my life.

 

 

What are you looking for as a response? That others have gone 17, 20, 25 years or more in a sexless marriage?

 

I'm not sure what your religion is, but I'm Catholic and while divorce is against the Catholic beliefs, part of marriage is giving yourself to your spouse intimately. That's what makes the marriage become consumated .

 

You only get one life. If you haven't had sex in 16 years, then your teenage child must be 16 or older. Nearly an adult. What are you waiting for to move on and stop living a life of enforced celibacy?

 

This arrangement either suits your wife or she has a lover on the side. Whichever it is, it doesn't suit you, so stop living like a martyr and get some therapy to cope with living on your own.

[xyzisnotme]

I'm sorry. Let me make my original post clearer. On the average for 16 years I would get sex once every 3 months.... sometimes more, usually less. It has gone from that amount to maybe once a year. I'm sorry if I was not clear with my original post.

 

I have never, nor will I ever begged for sex in my life.

 

 

What are you looking for as a response? That others have gone 17, 20, 25 years or more in a sexless marriage?

 

I'm not sure what your religion is, but I'm Catholic and while divorce is against the Catholic beliefs, part of marriage is giving yourself to your spouse intimately. That's what makes the marriage become consumated .

 

You only get one life. If you haven't had sex in 16 years, then your teenage child must be 16 or older. Nearly an adult. What are you waiting for to move on and stop living a life of enforced celibacy?

 

This arrangement either suits your wife or she has a lover on the side. Whichever it is, it doesn't suit you, so stop living like a martyr and get some therapy to cope with living on your own.

[stillafool]

1Cor 7:3-4 (NRS) The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

 

What part of the Bible does your wife believe in?

 

OP, this is what I was thinking. If you are only staying for religious purposes your wife has already broken her vows. I don't think you would be judged for leaving a wife who doesn't give her body to you. Talk to your Pastor or Priest. You would not be at fault to divorce her.

[goodyblue]

Well someone should tell your wife that not getting sex makes marriages vulnerable. My h was married when we started dating. He left her (he was a catholic deacon) and we have been married for several years now. I make him feel wanted and needed. She didn't.

[Cephalopod]

I'm sorry. Let me make my original post clearer. On the average for 16 years I would get sex once every 3 months.... sometimes more, usually less. It has gone from that amount to maybe once a year. I'm sorry if I was not clear with my original post.

 

That is a sexless marriage, and it is wrong.

 

There are several reasons why she will not have sex with you..

 

Lack of intimate feelings due to lack communication or feelings of being abused.

 

Some past, festering resentment against you.

 

You are physically repellent.

 

She is asexual or has hormonal problems.

 

She's a lesbian.

 

Or she has been in a long term affair with another man for the past 16 years. And yes, there have been many cases of people suffering in miserable marriages only to find out that their spouses have been cheating for decades. Decades.

[Cephalopod]

I never get responses here.

 

Because you don't supply any information. You still haven't told us what religion you practice.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sorry. Let me make my original post clearer. On the average for 16 years I would get sex once every 3 months.... sometimes more, usually less. It has gone from that amount to maybe once a year. I'm sorry if I was not clear with my original post.

 

Doesn't really make your circumstances any different.

 

xyzisnotme, at some point your marital situation stopped being about your wife and started being about you. Assuming you tried to address this, the question isn't why she's denying you, it's why you or anyone else would put up with it this long?

 

Year 1 was on her. Years 2-16 and beyond are on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xyzisnotme]

Because you don't supply any information. You still haven't told us what religion you practice.

 

I'm Catholic. My w is Protestant.

[MJJean]

I'm Catholic. My w is Protestant.

 

Were you married in the Church by a priest or receive dispensation to be married elsewhere? This is important as it speaks to the religious validity of the marriage.

[oldshirt]

It's one of or a combination of the reasons below -

 

- she has a medical or hormonal condition or is on some kind of medication that has killed her libido. The fix for that would be a thorough medical evaluation including hormone levels and then proper treatment or a change of medications.

 

- she does not find you physically or sexually attractive. (ie weight gain, poor hygiene, unkempt/sloppy appearance, poor dress, chronic unemployment/underemployment, lack of masculinity etc) The fix for that is to become more physically and sexually attractive. Hit the gym, groom and style better, dress better, become more assertive and flirtatious, show more initiative etc. A good guide for all things dealing with loss of attraction are the "Married Man Sex Life" books and blogs by Athol Kay.

 

- She is getting her sexual needs met else ie emotional or physical affair(s), porn, romance novels, excessive masturbation etc. Have you done a thorough and sincere investigation to see if she is involved with someone(s) else? Just asking her doesn't count. she will just say no. Have you hacked her computer/emails/social media? Have you obtained her phone and txt logs from her phone carrier? Have you GPS tracked her or had her followed or planted voice activated recorders in her car? If you haven't done all of those things, you have not looked into the possibility of her seeing someone else.

 

- Problems in the relationship (other than the obvious sexual problems) Does she have any deep-seated resentments towards you? Is there any abuse or mistreatment in your past? Do you have any drug or alcohol abuse? Do you neglect or blow her off? Are you a jerk or an @$$?

 

It's one of or most likely a combination of those things. Look thoroughly and sincerely into each of those and address any issues.

[sandylee1]

I'm Catholic. My w is Protestant.

 

I do pre marriage training in the Catholic Church. We cover the topic of sex in the marriage and on a practical level ... The message is that cracks and crunches will appear if one party, stops giving their body7 ... making the marriage vulnerable to a third party or to a divorce.

 

Your sex drives are clearly a mismatch.

 

Asides from sex, what is your marriage like?

Do you enjoy each other's company?

Do you show affection? Hugs or kisses?

 

I presume you've discussed it. What's her response?

 

I could never beg or plead for sex. I'm suprised you've not given up. I knew a guy in your position and he said it was humiliating to keep asking, getting rejected and his wife would just look at him blankly.

 

I suggested he stopped initiating. After 2 months she accused him of cheating ... saying he must be getting it somewhere else because he hadn't come to her for it. She was in tears.

 

He just got fed up of the 'duty sex'.

 

Truth was he had started getting massages with pleasant endings from different parlors.

 

You need to accept that nothing will change unless you do something.

[spanz1]

16 years...with no sex? omg.

 

SINCE you have made it to 16 years...well i guess you have proven that you ARE capable of going longer. I would have been gone at the 1 year mark for sure.

 

Is there a reason? like hormonal problems that could be medically fixed? Or is she just a cold heartless shrew?

[xyzisnotme]

16 years...with no sex? omg.

 

SINCE you have made it to 16 years...well i guess you have proven that you ARE capable of going longer. I would have been gone at the 1 year mark for sure.

 

Is there a reason? like hormonal problems that could be medically fixed? Or is she just a cold heartless shrew?

I'm sorry if I've communicated the wrong way it hasn't been 16 years with no sex it's been 16 years at the sex on the average once every 3 months and less most times

[BaileyB]

That's still, for all intent and purpose, no sex. You don't really need to clarify, I think most people would still say that is not enough sex to maintain a healthy, happy, marital relationship.

 

She may be the one showing little interest/denying sex, but the fact that this has been the case for so long is definitely also on you. If you are not happy, you need to do something more than complain about it.

[oldshirt]

Sex every 3 months is "duty sex" to shut you up and to keep from getting thrown out of the house.

 

This is usually an attraction issue.

 

Look up "married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay. He has a number of books, blogs and website forums that deal primarily with married men getting their wive's attraction back (assuming they were ever attracted to them at all in the first place)

 

Get those books and get on the forums there and start working on getting your sexy back.

 

This has been going in so long and she may never have been into you sexually so this will take a long time to work if at all.

 

You need to work on getting more fit and better looking and more masculine and assertive and sexy to catch her attention and illicit a change in her attraction.

 

She may and she may not. But if you can get more attractive and sexy, even if she doesn't, someone else will. At that point you can decide whether to keep her around or not.

[SoleMate]

xyz, we need more facts. Have you let yourself go? Are there deep-seated resentments? Does your wife have health issues? etc.

 

Also, please answer my question about God. That was asked seriously.

[MJJean]

xyz, we need more facts. Have you let yourself go? Are there deep-seated resentments? Does your wife have health issues? etc.

 

Also, please answer my question about God. That was asked seriously.

 

Please answer my question as well. I am also Catholic and have spent a great deal of time researching matrimony and the Canon Law relating to it.

 

According to the Church, a Catholic is obligated to marry in the Church or receive dispensation to marry in a different form. If the marriage was not in the Church and you did not receive dispensation, the marriage is invalid and you are, indeed, free to leave from a religious point of view.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I was raised Catholic and lived my a big chunk of my life with an enormous amount of fear and especially guilt thanks my mother and her religious rearing. Gotta love Italian mothers, lol.

 

I too was married (4 years dating / 16 years married) and spent more than 8 years of it completely sexless and against my will. How you can go for 16 is beyond me.

 

I stayed for as long as I did for a bunch of reasons but the shame and guilt and 'worry' about what would happen to my soul if I divorced did weigh heavily on my heart.

 

During that time I did a LOT of soul searching and even more therapy to try and make some sense of my life and maybe even make some peace with how my life had turned out. What I learned is that life is too short ESPECIALLY to be unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

I also realized that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. My husband broke his promise to me when he decided for the both that sex wasn't important anymore. He robbed both me and our marriage of something so beautiful and so very necessary. How could God be okay with that?? I was convinced that God couldn't possibly see that as okay, especially since I tried whatever I could to save our marriage.

 

I'm now divorced 7 years and have ZERO regrets about having left the marriage. I'm happier than I've ever been and am enjoying my life on MY terms and that includes having a very active and exciting sex life.

 

Although I had been struggling with my faith for a long time before this all happened, I am even more disillusioned with any religion that uses guilt and fear as a means of controlling people and keeping them stuck in unhappy and unhealthy situations. I know I'm a good person with a good soul and have always done what was expected of me or what was 'right' which made me question why I was given the dish I was served. If God judges me solely on the basis of my divorce rather than the whole of me then I have no desire to be part of any religion where he's apart of. It's as simple as that.

 

 

Besides, lets put it into perspective, if you've ever used the the Lord's name in vain, had premarital sex, masturbated, have impure thoughts or lust after other women, have been jealous of your friends, coveted people or things...and on and on we go...then you've basically already committed countless sins according to the Catholic church. I mean, if you're going to play the religion card than you better be perfect in your faith all along.

 

What's a divorce in the grand scheme of things?

[Mr. Lucky]

Besides, lets put it into perspective, if you've ever used the the Lord's name in vain, had premarital sex, masturbated, have impure thoughts or lust after other women, have been jealous of your friends, coveted people or things...and on and on we go...then you've basically already committed countless sins according to the Catholic church. I mean, if you're going to play the religion card than you better be perfect in your faith all along.

 

What's a divorce in the grand scheme of things?

 

One of the more creative creative arguments for divorce I've seen.

 

Besides, it can all be forgiven, right ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[SammySammy]

Sixteen seconds of begging for sex is too long.

 

Do you really have a marriage with a person who won't be intimate with you?

For sixteen years?!

 

That's abandonment as far as I'm concerned.

[standtall]

Besides, lets put it into perspective, if you've ever used the the Lord's name in vain, had premarital sex, masturbated, have impure thoughts or lust after other women, have been jealous of your friends, coveted people or things...and on and on we go...then you've basically already committed countless sins according to the Catholic church. I mean, if you're going to play the religion card than you better be perfect in your faith all along.

 

No, not at all. That misses the whole point of Christianity. Each sin is independent of each other. Just because one has sinned, it means they can't play the religion card? Who told you that?

 

Besides, the religious card is moot. Most western democracies and all 50 states have no fault divorce, and if you were looking for a fault, deprivation of physical intimacy is more than enough...just saying.