Is 16 years of begging for sex too long?

[taiko]

She isn't. A person either believes in God and His written word or not. There is no in-between in Christianity, whether Catholic or Protestant.

 

What she is is a lazy user. She has used you for financial stability for 16 years and has no intention of giving you any more than what you have taught her you will expect. You taught her to treat you this way, through inaction and acquiescence.

 

I tend to agree, it is not about wanting it is stated as a duty to the partner. Even if asexual or gay she still has the duty which she has ignored. However the religious authority figures have taken the position that they are the arbitrators and will determine if she lied when making the wedding vows freeing you to have a chance with someone else before she dies.

 

Since you can't have sex anyway the only way to show your displeasure is t physically separate, which is normally step one in getting the church elders to take you seriously if no legal divorce is available, I guess limited to Filipinos now. After all even though "God hates divorce" the church only acts to deny sacraments if you decide to marry or have sex with someone else

[Cephalopod]

She has not used him for financial stability.

 

Throughout their marriage she has been the primary breadwinner keeping him housed, fed and clothed. Since for much of their marriage the OP has variously been mostly unemployed or underemployed.

 

Maybe so, but through the years she has gotten something out of the deal. Even if he has been only semi-employed, he is still relieving some of the financial stress from her shoulders.

 

Most women would not stay with a man who was not providing something she needed. The question I have is, what is it that she is getting from him that keeps her in a loveless, sexless marriage with no intimacy?

[oldshirt]

The question I have is, what is it that she is getting from him that keeps her in a loveless, sexless marriage with no intimacy?

 

Maybe a better question to ask is what is she getting from someone else?

[Cephalopod]

Maybe a better question to ask is what is she getting from someone else?

 

But he doesn't seem to want to pursue that question does he?

[xyzisnotme]

But he doesn't seem to want to pursue that question does he?

 

I honestly do not know.

[Just a Guy]

Hi xyz, are you posting here to get some serious answers and act on the advice given or are you just enjoying the attention your situation gets you on here? My advice would be change your religion or change your self. Even men of the cloth have been known to have mistresses even though every Sunday they stand up in the pulpit and preach to lesser mortals. Their religious beliefs don't stop them from getting their jollies so don't tell us about religious beliefs.

 

The simple fact is that you do not want to change the situation and your wife realized this a long time ago. She is either asexual or is getting her needs met elsewhere which is why she feels repulsed by you. Usually women are monogamous in their sexual habits so if she has a lover on the side she would prefer to be monogamous with him and reject you. Whatever be the reason the fact is that unless you change things in your life nothing will change. Please do not blame extraneous factors for inaction on your part. Hope this helps you make a decision. Warm wishes.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I really frown upon divorce due to my religious beliefs.

 

 

Hi xyzisnotme,

 

I'm sorry you have faced this situation for so long.

 

There are no quick answers, but you have shown contentment and faithfulness --- in spite of your marriage being very disappointing, I applaud you for honoring your promise/vow.

 

My wife walked away after 20+ years of marriage. Due to my religious convictions, I'm not able to file divorce, I'm not able to date, etc --- and even if my wife files divorce, I'm still bound "until death do us part." So, even though my preference is to have a companion, I choose to honor my promise/vow.

 

I'm not suggesting that you follow my pathway; but since you mentioned your religious convictions on not filing divorce, I just wanted to share with you that there are others that have walked the same pathway.

 

You might consider buying a book called "Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?"

https://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Marriage-What-Designed-Happy/dp/0310337372/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

[xyzisnotme]

Hi xyzisnotme,

 

I'm sorry you have faced this situation for so long.

 

There are no quick answers, but you have shown contentment and faithfulness --- in spite of your marriage being very disappointing, I applaud you for honoring your promise/vow.

 

My wife walked away after 20+ years of marriage. Due to my religious convictions, I'm not able to file divorce, I'm not able to date, etc --- and even if my wife files divorce, I'm still bound "until death do us part." So, even though my preference is to have a companion, I choose to honor my promise/vow.

 

I'm not suggesting that you follow my pathway; but since you mentioned your religious convictions on not filing divorce, I just wanted to share with you that there are others that have walked the same pathway.

 

You might consider buying a book called "Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?"

https://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Marriage-What-Designed-Happy/dp/0310337372/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

 

Thank you LancasterAmos1966.

[xenawarriorprincess]

It's funny how differently men and women think about this. As a woman, if I knew someone didn't want to have sex with me, I'd stop trying. If sex was the most important thing to me about the relationship, then I'd leave, but it wouldn't be. I'd be about the kids and about being friends or whatever if I lost my attraction for my husband. Many people do lose attraction for their mates, especially women. Women need that spark and attraction and the emotions have to be lined up. That means if they're miserable living with someone and not having much fun doing it or they don't do their half of the chores or she feels she has to nag him to help her, she is not going to want sex. Ever again probably.

 

 

Men, on the other hand, will have sex no matter if they like the person anymore, no matter if the person desires them, no matter if they don't even get along. They think sex is the most important thing and they want it no matter what crap is going on in the household. When women figure that out, this doesn't do anything to make them feel more warmly toward the man either.

 

If you're in a miserable marriage of any type, do your kids a favor and have an amicable cooperative noncontested nontraumatic divorce.

 

I’m a woman and I don’t think that way at all. Sex is not just about a good orgasm for men, while that is always wanted and desired, it’s about physical connection, love, trust, and feelings of warmth. Women love to talk about their feelings, hold hands, and hug, while men would rather express their feelings without words and with more physical contact. Women seem to think that it’s just sex, but it’s so much more than that, especially for a man. Imagine how awful it would feel if a husband never wanted to hold his wife in his arms, chat with her about her feelings, or soothe/comfort her during a stressful day? It would be pretty hurtful and heartbreaking! Now imagine the husband said, “Talking and sharing feelings are not the most important things in the world to me”. It’s very insensitive and plain incorrect to assume that sex is just sex and shouldn’t be valued as high as any other aspect of a marriage.

[Merrylegs]

xyzisnotme, I feel your pain.

I am in a similar situation and have been for 12 years.

Some days it can seem like it's not so bad. When you have a great day together or something reminds you of your partners good points or you just maybe miss them on a particular day.

Other days it's like a huge heavy frustrating weight that bows your shoulders and eats into you confidence in your relationship and in yourself.

I'm afraid I have never found the answer to this and I suspect there isn't one.

We are still together but live separately now. One thing that has helped is that my life is now my life and all the little things that come with living on my own have increased my confidence in other ways. Now I am able to throw caution to the wind and ask for answers from him regarding his lack of interest in me sexually . And when he gets angry or sulky I can ask him to go home. I don't then have to spend the rest of the evening with him being cold or snappy. I don't have to get into bed beside him feeling hurt while he is angry.

There is very little that you can do about your situation. I found a way to take back some self confidence in other areas of my life and it has had a knock on effect in how I deal with the problem because it's made me feel stronger in myself in my own right.

I'm sorry this is happening to you but at some point you will need to take some action somehow or your life will be spent feeling undesirable, while never being allowed to show and fulfil your own desires.

Edited March 6, 2017 by Merrylegs
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