Online dating is so depressing

[NJ123]

People don't know what they're doing, just because they're in relationships. There are a whole bunch of unhealthy relationships out there, as well as healthy ones.

 

I do know how you feel, but those people aren't necessarily happier, or better at this than you or me.

 

Good point, it's just I don't know how to stop focusing on it. I really want to just not even think about it but I can't especially when I see attractive women all the time or seeing couples together. It's like I'll have the switch off in my mind for a bit from it but it just turns back on thinking about it & it bothering me all over again. It's just a cycle that repeats over & over.

[AceCutty]

It does not necessarily come naturally.

I threw myself in at 18 with dating just after my Mum passed away when I was 17.

 

I tried to ask you twice before as to why you had not moved out, got a job you love, finished your degree but you ignored my questions and posts.

 

At what point are you going to take responsibility entirely for yourself NJ?

 

You aren't doing that as yet as it's all someone else's fault.

 

No woman is going to be attracted to that attitude no matter what height you are.

 

To be fair, I'm a bit younger than OP, a professional with a good salary, live alone, and live in a big metro area.

 

I don't exactly have women throwing themselves at me and I have to put in a lot of work.

 

I used to think that women valued ambition and stability, but I don't think they really care about that anymore. It seems to be more about how fun the guy is and how they will look together in pictures (basically, superficial qualities that don't really matter).

 

In that regard, I don't think it will greatly matter whether or not OP lives at home.

[AceCutty]

Something that's supposed to be a big part of life isn't just something that's going to go away from the human mind unless they already have had a lot of relationships/experience already where they're taking a break from it or if they're obviously already in a relationship or married already. I'm a guy that finds women attractive & never experienced a relationship, so how am I supposed to just not think about it at all? And obviously if there's billions of people in the world & the number is growing it's obviously natural to a whole lot of people to get into relationships. If a lot of people were struggling than the human race wouldn't be growing as each year goes by.

 

Birth rate is down in the US. Women are pickier than ever. This is why you need to stand out. You can't just be average anymore. Women would rather be alone than settle for average.

[ufo8mycat]

 

I used to think that women valued ambition and stability, but I don't think they really care about that anymore. It seems to be more about how fun the guy is and how they will look together in pictures (basically, superficial qualities that don't really matter).

 

In that regard, I don't think it will greatly matter whether or not OP lives at home.

 

It does. For any woman that is half way established it does. There are plenty of women (like me) who don't seek "stability". I own my own home, am educated with a good income. I don't need to be provided for. I want an equal. Someone with common interests to share time with, go have fun with and to explore the world. He doesn't need a great salary but he does need to be self sufficient grown up.

 

Being "nice isn't enough". I don't agree it is all about the superficial but I think we all want someone who brings something to our lives. "nice" isn't enough

[AceCutty]

It does. For any woman that is half way established it does. There are plenty of women (like me) who don't seek "stability". I own my own home, am educated with a good income. I don't need to be provided for. I want an equal. Someone with common interests to share time with, go have fun with and to explore the world. He doesn't need a great salary but he does need to be self sufficient grown up.

 

Being "nice isn't enough". I don't agree it is all about the superficial but I think we all want someone who brings something to our lives. "nice" isn't enough

 

We are in agreement.

 

As I said, women no longer value stability and are focused on looks and how fun the guy is. You confirmed that with your statement.

 

Again, I do not believe that OP will be any more successful if he moves out of his house. Women simply do not value stability in their mate. Superficial things matter way more.

 

And I also agree that women do not care if the guy is nice. Nice is average. Women crap on average men. They want someone above average.

 

In the end, women are extremely difficult to please. That's why there are so many divorces.

[LookAtThisPOst]

In the end, women are extremely difficult to please. That's why there are so many divorces.

 

Yup, and the majority of divorces are initiated by them when they get bored or the marriage gets "stale" and the guy is scratching his head, "What happened??"

[Moves Like Jagger]

Birth rate is down in the US. Women are pickier than ever. This is why you need to stand out. You can't just be average anymore. Women would rather be alone than settle for average.

 

An adult relying on his parents to live and working in a dead end job is not average. They're really behind. OP refuses to meet women outside of the Internet even though people have told him that it is much easier to get attention from women outside. How can he be average when most guys meet women outside of the Internet?

 

The guys that I know who live with their parents do so because they can't live on their own. They're little kids trapped in grown bodies. I don't think there is anything average about a guy with a lot of gray hair who still acts like a little child.

 

You're definition of "average" is really different. The guys who are inexperienced like the OP are single for obvious reasons. They live with their parents. They're too quiet and passive. They dress a little too nerdy. But most importantly, they keep on doing the same thing over and over again even though they're not getting the results they want.

 

How is the OP going to attract a woman who has a degree and a great career? While she is talking about traveling the world, the OP is going to be talking about how he tagged along with his parents for vacation. The OP is too inexperienced to attract an older woman. On the other hand, I don't think that he's cool and good-looking enough to attract some younger woman who still lives with her parents.

[elaine567]

We are in agreement.

 

As I said, women no longer value stability and are focused on looks and how fun the guy is. You confirmed that with your statement.

 

Again, I do not believe that OP will be any more successful if he moves out of his house. Women simply do not value stability in their mate. Superficial things matter way more.

 

 

Yes, women who are set up with good careers, their own homes and their own money are not necessarily looking for a man to provide, but most women do NOT have good careers and own their own homes, so I guess those women will rate stability higher than "fun" or superficial things.

Those women are going to be looking for a man who is earning at least the same as she is, so she can raise her standard of living and those of her potential kids. She will most likely not be able to afford a nanny or child care for multiple children, so will need a man who can provide for the whole family for 5, 10, 15 years, whilst she looks after the kids. Living hand to mouth is no fun, so she needs to find the guy who earns a decent salary or has the potential to do so.

 

I also think that women with higher salaries and assets tend to move in higher circles intellectually and socially, so the people they choose to date and mix with are within that more "elite" community, so most are on a higher level of income anyway.

It is easy to say "I do not care about money", if you are naturally dating lawyers and doctors...

 

OLD has levelled the playing field, in that all are deemed equal, the garbage collector or waitress can message the chief executive, the doctor can message the barista, BUT that leads I guess to a lot of the frustration with OLD.

People see all these fantastic people only a message away, but they cannot convert their desires into reality as the old rules of attraction, education, class and money still apply, and that leads to a huge degree of frustration in those who do not have much to offer themselves.

 

Its like going to a supermarket with all the most delicious foods on offer to be told at the checkout that you can only buy the bread and beans, as you are not "good enough" to buy anything else.

[Weezy1973]

It'a not that women are too picky; it's that men aren't picky enough. Men are the onr's that focus almost exclusively on looks when online dating. Even the men struggling here say their only requirement is that the woman be attractive.

 

Also, I'm not tall, 5'8", two of my exes were 5'7", and my current girlfriend is 5'8". I happen to find tall slender women to be attractive so that's who

I date. Even though I'm short. With a below average job. And very average looks. I met my current girlfriend from an online dating site. These generalizations most of you are making about women doing online dating is just hurting you in the long run. The basic rule is that women that aren't attracted to you won't want to date you. Which is a great thing - you don't have to waste your time! But you all are wasting so much time focusing on the women that don't want to date you...

[LookAtThisPOst]

It'a not that women are too picky; it's that men aren't picky enough. Men are the onr's that focus almost exclusively on looks when online dating. Even the men struggling here say their only requirement is that the woman be attractive.

 

Also, I'm not tall, 5'8", two of my exes were 5'7", and my current girlfriend is 5'8". I happen to find tall slender women to be attractive so that's who

I date. Even though I'm short. With a below average job. And very average looks. I met my current girlfriend from an online dating site. These generalizations most of you are making about women doing online dating is just hurting you in the long run. The basic rule is that women that aren't attracted to you won't want to date you. Which is a great thing - you don't have to waste your time! But you all are wasting so much time focusing on the women that don't want to date you...

 

Right, I mean, I've met women that said, "I met my current b/f while he was unemployed." So I guess that didn't stop her, regardless of the dating advice to "find a job, before finding a date."

[SwordofFlame]

The problem is that men aren't picky when it comes to just hook ups and FWB relationships but are a lot pickier when it comes to serious relationships. Women are pickier in both types of relationships.

[elaine567]

Right, I mean, I've met women that said, "I met my current b/f while he was unemployed." So I guess that didn't stop her, regardless of the dating advice to "find a job, before finding a date."

 

I guess it depends on his future potential as opposed to his current status, but there are some women who do not care or who do not understand what life is all about and then they get themselves into real messes supporting lazy good for nothing guys ad infinitum.

[normal person]

I'm not saying it's a magic bullet, but even you say that it's a bit of a struggle to even be average height.

 

Now, just multiply that by 10 and you are where we are.

 

And one other thing: you say that you would be more motivated. For me, it's definitely been a mental struggle to stay motivated. Although I have had success with women (as described above), it deeply bothers me that most women will only date me despite something that's a core part of who I am.

 

I never said I didn't think it was difficult for shorter people either. I even granted OP that in an earlier post and told him a lot of women will be out of contention just because of his height. I'm not one to deny reality. Also, consider that we all have things that we can't change that will remove us from the dating pool for a large swath of people. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons a guy wouldn't go out with a woman, for no fault of her own. All you can do is control what you can control and try not the things you can't make you bitter.

 

It's been my experience that most people aren't that funny. Some people are hilarious; others have their moments to shine. But I would say that the average person isn't all that funny.

 

Whole-heartedly agree. This is of concern because I'm very much of the opinion that the key to success in OLD is to not be average. You need to stand out, and the quickest way to a woman's heart is to make her laugh. OP, if you're as funny as you say you are, you need to use it. You'll win over tons of people who would've previously overlooked you because of your height.

 

Side note: I will say, I've noticed in the last decade or so (maybe it's just my perception) that a lot of women have become more willing to be goofy or make fun of themselves. A noticeable amount of womens' profiles I read have a least a decent gag or two, often at their own expense, and it's really great to see. It's humanizing. There are lots of funny women, unique, articulate women out there -- I don't read guys' profiles but I hope for their sake that they're keeping pace.

 

 

I don't know about Bumble, but Tinder does not ask for height.

 

I don't use Tinder but I've noticed it's very common on Bumble for people to offer their height in the info, especially if they're taller women (5'8"+). Just food for thought.

 

We've been through the whole match.com thing in this thread. I signed up for free the other day to see what it was like & the overwhelmingly vast majority want a guy that's at least minimum 5'8" & above.

 

Use "reverse search," it will give you the people specifically looking for criteria you have.

 

With OKCupid I just kept seeing the same women over & over again on there. And if I switch my mile distance it would show women in another state. I just felt it wasn't worth it. I'll just stick with Tinder & Bumble for now but won't go on it as much as I have been. I need to take a step back a bit or else it's just going to frustrate me.

 

Where do you live? And you need to finish school and (if you're that bothered by all this) move to a place where there are a lot more women. A densely populated city.

 

OLD has levelled the playing field, in that all are deemed equal, the garbage collector or waitress can message the chief executive, the doctor can message the barista, BUT that leads I guess to a lot of the frustration with OLD.

People see all these fantastic people only a message away, but they cannot convert their desires into reality as the old rules of attraction, education, class and money still apply, and that leads to a huge degree of frustration in those who do not have much to offer themselves.

 

It'a not that women are too picky; it's that men aren't picky enough. Men are the onr's that focus almost exclusively on looks when online dating. Even the men struggling here say their only requirement is that the woman be attractive.

 

^ Great posts. To address the latter, I think if guys were more picky then we'd stop having situations where other guys feel they need to improve themselves just to get the attention of an unappealing woman who doesn't feel the same need. It's those men who aren't selective who message all those women, keep the bar low, and give her no reason to raise her game. They artificially inflate the woman's market value.

[AceCutty]

An adult relying on his parents to live and working in a dead end job is not average. They're really behind. OP refuses to meet women outside of the Internet even though people have told him that it is much easier to get attention from women outside. How can he be average when most guys meet women outside of the Internet?

 

The guys that I know who live with their parents do so because they can't live on their own. They're little kids trapped in grown bodies. I don't think there is anything average about a guy with a lot of gray hair who still acts like a little child.

 

You're definition of "average" is really different. The guys who are inexperienced like the OP are single for obvious reasons. They live with their parents. They're too quiet and passive. They dress a little too nerdy. But most importantly, they keep on doing the same thing over and over again even though they're not getting the results they want.

 

How is the OP going to attract a woman who has a degree and a great career? While she is talking about traveling the world, the OP is going to be talking about how he tagged along with his parents for vacation. The OP is too inexperienced to attract an older woman. On the other hand, I don't think that he's cool and good-looking enough to attract some younger woman who still lives with her parents.

 

I can't speak for everybody but I did way better with women when I lived with my parents. I just had more time to invest in them. Women typically require more time than money these days (since most make their own money).

 

I think that if OP was tall and good looking, he would not have difficulty attracting successful women. His biggest problem is his height, not his living situation.

[AceCutty]

Yes, women who are set up with good careers, their own homes and their own money are not necessarily looking for a man to provide, but most women do NOT have good careers and own their own homes, so I guess those women will rate stability higher than "fun" or superficial things.

Those women are going to be looking for a man who is earning at least the same as she is, so she can raise her standard of living and those of her potential kids. She will most likely not be able to afford a nanny or child care for multiple children, so will need a man who can provide for the whole family for 5, 10, 15 years, whilst she looks after the kids. Living hand to mouth is no fun, so she needs to find the guy who earns a decent salary or has the potential to do so.

 

I also think that women with higher salaries and assets tend to move in higher circles intellectually and socially, so the people they choose to date and mix with are within that more "elite" community, so most are on a higher level of income anyway.

It is easy to say "I do not care about money", if you are naturally dating lawyers and doctors...

 

OLD has levelled the playing field, in that all are deemed equal, the garbage collector or waitress can message the chief executive, the doctor can message the barista, BUT that leads I guess to a lot of the frustration with OLD.

People see all these fantastic people only a message away, but they cannot convert their desires into reality as the old rules of attraction, education, class and money still apply, and that leads to a huge degree of frustration in those who do not have much to offer themselves.

 

Its like going to a supermarket with all the most delicious foods on offer to be told at the checkout that you can only buy the bread and beans, as you are not "good enough" to buy anything else.

 

From what I've seen, women value excitement far more than stability. I, personally, like stability more than excitement. So that already puts my values at odds with many women.

 

Well, maybe I'm just picky but i rarely see any female online that I'm really impressed with. I don't even have a profile because it will take a lot of work and I'm not sure it's worth it for the few women that I've seen that I would actually be interested in.

 

Maybe I'm too picky. Not sure.

[AceCutty]

It'a not that women are too picky; it's that men aren't picky enough. Men are the onr's that focus almost exclusively on looks when online dating. Even the men struggling here say their only requirement is that the woman be attractive.

 

Also, I'm not tall, 5'8", two of my exes were 5'7", and my current girlfriend is 5'8". I happen to find tall slender women to be attractive so that's who

I date. Even though I'm short. With a below average job. And very average looks. I met my current girlfriend from an online dating site. These generalizations most of you are making about women doing online dating is just hurting you in the long run. The basic rule is that women that aren't attracted to you won't want to date you. Which is a great thing - you don't have to waste your time! But you all are wasting so much time focusing on the women that don't want to date you...

 

You'll be happy to know that I'm not adding to this. I don't do casual sex anymore and have turned down advances from women that wanted this. I've also shot down single mothers and let them know why I was not interested.

[NJ123]

I can't speak for everybody but I did way better with women when I lived with my parents. I just had more time to invest in them. Women typically require more time than money these days (since most make their own money).

 

I think that if OP was tall and good looking, he would not have difficulty attracting successful women. His biggest problem is his height, not his living situation.

 

I consider myself good looking but I'm introverted & short so that's two things women don't like. I get it, some women don't care that a guy is short but most have it as their preference of choice where I'd have to win her over with a whole lot of other things. I really don't even want to think about this since it's just going to bring on headaches but it always just comes back into my mind automatically when I constantly see people together or attractive women. I can't just not all of a sudden stop thinking about it like some in here have told me to do. It's really easy for a lot of them to say when they've had their fair share of relationships & what not.

[AceCutty]

I never said I didn't think it was difficult for shorter people either. I even granted OP that in an earlier post and told him a lot of women will be out of contention just because of his height. I'm not one to deny reality. Also, consider that we all have things that we can't change that will remove us from the dating pool for a large swath of people. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons a guy wouldn't go out with a woman, for no fault of her own. All you can do is control what you can control and try not the things you can't make you bitter.

 

It's much easier to become bitter as a short man. It's constantly being thrown in our face from every direction. Women are pretty vocal about their distaste for short men.

 

While some people may have qualities that are unattractive, but being a short man is unique in that it is not a desirable trait to any woman. Women are willing to date us despite our height, but no woman prefers our height.

 

 

Whole-heartedly agree. This is of concern because I'm very much of the opinion that the key to success in OLD is to not be average. You need to stand out, and the quickest way to a woman's heart is to make her laugh. OP, if you're as funny as you say you are, you need to use it. You'll win over tons of people who would've previously overlooked you because of your height.

 

I don't think that it's about being genuinely funny. I think it's more about portraying yourself as funny. OLD is representative of our culture: the quality of the image/presentation is more important than the actual product.

 

 

Side note: I will say, I've noticed in the last decade or so (maybe it's just my perception) that a lot of women have become more willing to be goofy or make fun of themselves. A noticeable amount of womens' profiles I read have a least a decent gag or two, often at their own expense, and it's really great to see. It's humanizing. There are lots of funny women, unique, articulate women out there -- I don't read guys' profiles but I hope for their sake that they're keeping pace.

 

Personally, I don't like "funny" women. I like kind and sweet women. So this kind of profile would turn me off.

 

To each their own.

 

I don't use Tinder but I've noticed it's very common on Bumble for people to offer their height in the info, especially if they're taller women (5'8"+). Just food for thought.

 

Tinder is mostly about pictures. The best way to be successful there is to be ripped and take pics of your body. I know several men that are successful with this.

 

That's one of the few benefits of being a short guy: you can go from relatively out of shape to relatively jacked in a few months if you really want to.

 

Where do you live? And you need to finish school and (if you're that bothered by all this) move to a place where there are a lot more women. A densely populated city.

 

This will help only in the sense that you will be able to meet more women. Women as a whole want the same things. OP will still need to deal with his height stigma.

 

^ Great posts. To address the latter, I think if guys were more picky then we'd stop having situations where other guys feel they need to improve themselves just to get the attention of an unappealing woman who doesn't feel the same need. It's those men who aren't selective who message all those women, keep the bar low, and give her no reason to raise her game. They artificially inflate the woman's market value.

 

Agreed. All men should be as selective as I am.

[AceCutty]

I consider myself good looking but I'm introverted & short so that's two things women don't like. I get it, some women don't care that a guy is short but most have it as their preference of choice where I'd have to win her over with a whole lot of other things. I really don't even want to think about this since it's just going to bring on headaches but it always just comes back into my mind automatically when I constantly see people together or attractive women. I can't just not all of a sudden stop thinking about it like some in here have told me to do. It's really easy for a lot of them to say when they've had their fair share of relationships & what not.

 

I agree. I've had success with women in the past. As I've learned more about women, I resent them a bit since I'm forced to compensate for my height. I find that mindset offensive and distasteful.

[NJ123]

I agree. I've had success with women in the past. As I've learned more about women, I resent them a bit since I'm forced to compensate for my height. I find that mindset offensive and distasteful.

 

Yeah, it really sucks but I guess complaining about it isn't going to magically make it go away. We can't control what others find attractive. I just have to hope I get lucky one day & meet someone I'm really attracted to that likes me back & doesn't care about my height.

[AceCutty]

Yeah, it really sucks but I guess complaining about it isn't going to magically make it go away. We can't control what others find attractive. I just have to hope I get lucky one day & meet someone I'm really attracted to that likes me back & doesn't care about my height.

 

Complaining about it online anonymously, to me, is cathartic. It won't help or change things but it makes me feel better.

[NJ123]

Complaining about it online anonymously, to me, is cathartic. It won't help or change things but it makes me feel better.

 

I agree to an extent but constantly complaining about it gives me headaches. It's good to let it all out anonymously but it still doesn't change anything at the same time.

[AceCutty]

I agree to an extent but constantly complaining about it gives me headaches. It's good to let it all out anonymously but it still doesn't change anything at the same time.

 

Well you created this thread. Not me.

[PrettyEmily77]

I get it, some women don't care that a guy is short but most have it as their preference of choice where I'd have to win her over with a whole lot of other things.

 

Yeah but really, tall extroverted guys also have to win women over with a lot of other things because essentially, it's the 'whole lot of other things' bit that make or break an actual relationship. Not height, surprisingly. Or looks.

 

And worthy men want more from their prospective ladies than to be attractive or whatever bra size they like best, likely because they can offer more than their height (?!).

[NJ123]

Well you created this thread. Not me.

 

True, but at the end of the day it hasn't gotten me anywhere. It felt good at times to let it all out like it's therapy or something but at the end of the day it's still not changing anything for me. I wish I could meet someone I like a lot but anything I say on here isn't going to better my chances of it happening.