Online dating is so depressing

[GemmaUK]

To be fair to both men and women sticking around on OLD when it's not working will just make men or women bitter and jaded - so you get bitter profiles which you avoid - then if no bitter profile there is something in the mails you wish to avoid which is bitter/jaded/makes it clear they ain't happy with themselves.

 

I don't understand why people continue with OLD when they hate it - but some do. Some also align it with meet ups or speed dating and only do those things.

If you get an indication of interest it can happen frickin' anywhere!!

All it takes is keeping your eyes open.

[ZA Dater]

In terms of OLD just be careful with posting of pictures, much of my day has been spent dealing with a rather unpleasant situation where one of my pictures was taken and used by someone without my authorisation.

 

 

My advice remains the same, the OP needs to find some balance in his life, chasing this is going to just lead to total bitterness, there is so much in everyone's life to enjoy, just to be alive is a gift, never mind being able to do thing, enjoy what is around us.

 

 

I met a child today, he is 12 year old, helped him fulfil one of his dreams, he isn't expected to live to 18.

 

 

Seeing that puts life in perspective. Against that my dating struggles really are deemed totally irrelevant.

[GemmaUK]

In terms of OLD just be careful with posting of pictures, much of my day has been spent dealing with a rather unpleasant situation where one of my pictures was taken and used by someone without my authorisation.

 

 

My advice remains the same, the OP needs to find some balance in his life, chasing this is going to just lead to total bitterness, there is so much in everyone's life to enjoy, just to be alive is a gift, never mind being able to do thing, enjoy what is around us.

 

 

I met a child today, he is 12 year old, helped him fulfil one of his dreams, he isn't expected to live to 18.

 

 

Seeing that puts life in perspective. Against that my dating struggles really are deemed totally irrelevant.

 

Great post and it's clear some of your focus is changing - but most of your posts on this thread are not of the same ilk.

 

I hope you continue with upbeat and loving life and people.

[insert_name]

C'mon, guys. If you read back I clearly said "I think it's a bad idea." It's an opinion -- as in, I don't do it -- not a law or instruction, and it was given as an example in reply to someone describing a situation where men send hundreds of emails (not one who's "already not"). And it wasn't even the point I was trying to make. It was just the launching pad for the point, which I might as well reiterate now:

 

If you're doing something hundreds of times with no positive results, and you can't come to the conclusion that it might be wise to change or adapt your methodology or something about yourself, maybe it's not the website's "fault," considering plenty of people do figure it out.

 

So, if we're going to have this red herring discussion, admittedly there are a lot of variables here, but the point is: you can gain an advantage by not approaching/messaging/whatever first, and you can really taint your own image and shoot yourself in the foot by approaching/messaging the wrong way, which includes "often," "cluelessly," and "without invitation." I'm not saying that's the case all the time, but let's not act like it isn't a big factor. I have demonstrably a good method/theory in contrast to the guy who sends hundreds of messages and yields zilch.

 

 

 

Did you ever consider the possibility that people can be multi-dimensional, not appreciated for one single thing about them, and that regardless of what they look like they might have other appealing qualities?

 

My profile is funny. I made sure I had one of the funniest, most interesting, different, profiles anyone has ever read. http://s13.postimg.org/itawsuspz/funnyprofile.jpg

 

Same with my photo captions: http://s10.postimg.org/kjimu17sp/captions.jpg

 

So maybe things aren't as you think. This is nuts. I post in here as one of a handful of people who has figured out the things so many of you are struggling with, share my insight and knowledge for free, and people still want to try and discredit me and write me off. Can we get past this now? I know what I'm talking about.

 

 

 

 

If that works for you, great. There's no reason not to do it. Personally I'm not too inclined towards the "he likes me, and even though I was previously ambivalent about him, I guess I'll see where this goes because having a relationship is better than not having one" line of thought, which is what that kind of seems like. I'm not saying it doesn't work, but I think that's a shaky foundation. Being with someone who likes and appreciates you from the start is probably a much better footing, in my opinion.

 

 

 

While there is something to be said about the "agency" of it, reveling in the privilege of choosing who you approach is essentially meaningless because you don't get to choose who likes you back, and that's all that matters. And while it may not be "needy or desperate" per se, I still think it's safe to say that whoever messages/desires more/asks/approaches shown (an albeit small) vulnerability/weakness, and has empowered the other person to be able to make a decision about them. I prefer the dominant position so I'll stick to the high ground and not gamble by walking up to randoms and subconsciously broadcasting the fact that no other woman wants to talk to me. I consider the psychology of the situation. It's much easier to pick from the women who who you know do like you than to do some song and dance to try and win over the ones who probably don't.

 

If you just wait to get your signal (like your email, wink, like on OLD), you're home free. No woman is going to give you a signal and then not be happy you're talking to her. If you don't get a signal, the other method is to come into contact circumstantially, then work your magic. The OLD equivalent of this is use a top spot or something that puts you in everyone's search so they can't ignore you.

 

It's just something that works great for me. If you don't like it, that's fine. Stick to messaging people, if that's what works for you. But a little open-mindedness might do some good, too.

 

If genuine (hey, don't want to doubt you but I've never seen anything like this in OLD terms before) then you must have the best written profile for a man that there is. An endless stream of women writing to you off their own back actually engaging you (no 'hi ' bull****) is literally the holy grail of online dating for men because it is so unheard of outside of profiles by dudes that look like a chiseled Adonis. I think this is important to bear in mind when dealing with the scepticism/cynicism of others in this thread who have had the total opposite experience.

 

Those screenshots are useful as they give some.idea as to the hooks you used in the text. It is almost inspiring me to launch another OK Cupid profile...

 

I must admit I can vouch for the power of a self aware caption to a pic as a girl I hooked up with from OKC had some hilarious captions lampooning her pics, it was part of her charm that lead me to message her. Pity after 4 dates she turned out to be an alcoholic with depression!

 

Although all that being said for your method to work you must be way above average looking. I am all for sitting back and having women message me but for them to read my profile they have to be drawn to my pics first otherwise I will still be the one pursuing them. I notice you used a puppy pic- I always thought that was a bit cliché and cynical but people seem to be having some success with it so perhaps I need to borrow my mate's mutt for a few hours!

 

So yeah, there is some interesting info here but I do feel that you are being hard on some of the others in this thread. Take it from me who has tried countless profile revisions and has a witty writing style (according to people I trust as being impartial) and gets dates yet never gets messaged first: your profile (and most likely your looks) are top tier and not everyone can be top tier in online dating. So for the rest of us we are either going to disbelieve you or get frustrated that you have some kind of X factor that try as we might we can't emulate or do so in a way that is congruent to us.

[NJ123]

I'm not saying I agree with you, but if if anyone thinks that's true, why even bother with OLD and continue to complain about it? Why not just allocate your time and resources where you think you'll have a better reception?

 

It's like you're a musician and you book a gig in a city where you've never sold any records before, then complain that the city is awful because no one went to see you. Maybe the culture is different, maybe they like different music there, maybe you haven't done enough promotion and marketing of your material. Either way, if you're not interested in or incapable of doing all the legwork to figure out how to appeal to the people in that city, why not just stick to the cities and places where you do have a fanbase and you know people will be receptive to you? That seems a lot easier than just complaining about the one place you had a bad experience with.

 

I should probably rephrase it where I didn't mean to put women in general on OLD. But I meant to say a lot of them likely want to hold out for someone that's almost perfect in their eyes. Every time I take a break from OLD I see a lot of the same people on there when I go back on it. I just wonder why so many of these really attractive women in their late 20s to early 30s would still be single if they were a good catch due to the unlimited amount of options these women have. So it's maybe not fair to say but I think a lot of men would think that it's either due to their personality turning men off from wanting to be with them or it's that these women are incredibly picky to the point where the vast majority of men aren't good enough to them.

[NJ123]

Did your friend share his opinion with you on why you're still single?

 

No, but as said the women on there don't view me as good enough it seems like.

[NJ123]

In terms of OLD just be careful with posting of pictures, much of my day has been spent dealing with a rather unpleasant situation where one of my pictures was taken and used by someone without my authorisation.

 

 

My advice remains the same, the OP needs to find some balance in his life, chasing this is going to just lead to total bitterness, there is so much in everyone's life to enjoy, just to be alive is a gift, never mind being able to do thing, enjoy what is around us.

 

 

I met a child today, he is 12 year old, helped him fulfil one of his dreams, he isn't expected to live to 18.

 

 

Seeing that puts life in perspective. Against that my dating struggles really are deemed totally irrelevant.

 

Yeah, my friend told me I should just take a break from it or just make it a low priority while I focus on other things. I was really considering just deleting it but I think just maybe stepping away from it for a bit or not using it as much is the best option.

[SoulCat]

I can actually confirm this. 99% of women that I have to interact with at my job are always really nice. I think a lot of the ones on OLD are the ones that have personality issues for which they are still single. My friend even pointed out saying there's a reason these women are still single. They either have personalities that turn men off or they're extremely picky to the point where they're holding out for some almost perfect guy.

 

For the love of zebras...jeeezus!

I've been on OLD (before meeting my partner there) and I'm pretty sure their 'personality issues' aren't your problem...

 

Holding out for the 'perfect' or even 'right' guy is exactly why OLD worked for me. I could filter out the time wasters, the married/committed guys, the guys I would have no interest in. E.g. 30 something dudes with no clear path in life, no ambition, guys who still live in their parent's basement, guys who think playing Pokemon-Go makes for a great date.

 

Just because women have standards does not mean they've got some sort of personality disorder....

 

I'm sure OP, that you are indeed a very nice guy. But based upon what info you've given about yourself here, I'd next you in a heartbeat. I would not even care what your height is.....

[NJ123]

For the love of zebras...jeeezus!

I've been on OLD (before meeting my partner there) and I'm pretty sure their 'personality issues' aren't your problem...

 

Holding out for the 'perfect' or even 'right' guy is exactly why OLD worked for me. I could filter out the time wasters, the married/committed guys, the guys I would have no interest in. E.g. 30 something dudes with no clear path in life, no ambition, guys who still live in their parent's basement, guys who think playing Pokemon-Go makes for a great date.

 

Just because women have standards does not mean they've got some sort of personality disorder....

 

I'm sure OP, that you are indeed a very nice guy. But based upon what info you've given about yourself here, I'd next you in a heartbeat. I would not even care what your height is.....

 

That's fair enough but it seems like these women are going to have to make some compromises or else they're going to stay single. Not every single one of them can get the tall guy with the great job & great looks with similar interests to them. There's not enough of those guys to go around since only 14% of men are over 6 foot tall to begin with.

 

And sure I already know I have to work on myself in certain areas, but I'm just saying in general that a lot of these women are holding out for some guy that's perfect in almost every way. There's just no reason for why so many women that are deemed to be really attractive with great jobs & great personalities should still be single unless they choose to be. Men want those type of women, so the odds are that those women don't view the vast majority of men as good enough for them for which is why they're still single.

[SoulCat]

That's fair enough but it seems like these women are going to have to make some compromises or else they're going to stay single.

 

Some women choose not to compromise, that's their prerogative.

 

Not every single one of them can get the tall guy with the great job & great looks with similar interests to them.

 

Chances are, if you filter and have a bit of patience, you will find exactly that person. If you are willing to put yourself out there, if you're willing to travel for more than 40 miles

 

And sure I already know I have to work on myself in certain areas, but I'm just saying in general that a lot of these women are holding out for some guy that's perfect in almost every way.

 

If as a man or a woman, you are looking for something long term or even a life-long parter, why on earth would you look for anything less???

 

There's just no reason for why so many women that are deemed to be really attractive with great jobs & great personalities should still be single unless they choose to be.

 

Exactly. Because they choose to be. Because they feel they don't need to compromise. And why should they? Because you don't think it's fair??

[elaine567]

That's fair enough but it seems like these women are going to have to make some compromises or else they're going to stay single. Not every single one of them can get the tall guy with the great job & great looks with similar interests to them. There's not enough of those guys to go around since only 14% of men are over 6 foot tall to begin with.

 

 

That's not your problem though is it?

Why are you obsessing over their issues. Why are YOU of all people taking it on yourself to tell them what to do and be judge and jury?

Concentrate on yourself.

 

normal person made a great point, humour is often the way to a woman's heart.

I get no sense of humour from you whatsoever, from your posts here anyway - something for you to work on perhaps?

[NJ123]

Some women choose not to compromise, that's their prerogative.

 

 

 

Chances are, if you filter and have a bit of patience, you will find exactly that person. If you are willing to put yourself out there, if you're willing to travel for more than 40 miles

 

 

 

If as a man or a woman, you are looking for something long term or even a life-long parter, why on earth would you look for anything less???

 

 

 

Exactly. Because they choose to be. Because they feel they don't need to compromise. And why should they? Because you don't think it's fair??

 

It is their prerogative, but that's why they're staying single because no one is good enough for them.

 

Possibly, but it just seems like a huge headache to have a huge checklist of things & if the guy doesn't have even 1 of those things than he's not good enough.

 

True, but people in here have told me that I need to compromise myself in terms of looks which I won't do since I refuse to be with someone I'm not attracted to. And I'm not anywhere as picky as people in here think I am in terms of looks.

 

And I'm not saying it's not fair, but as I said there's not enough of the type of men to go around that they want. Only 14% are 6 foot or taller. Than factor in how many of those guys are attractive to them? How many of them have good/great jobs? How many of them will have similar interests to them? That's going to be even way less than 14% if they desire all those things plus more, so a lot of them will have to compromise or else they're staying single as I said.

[NJ123]

That's not your problem though is it?

Why are you obsessing over their issues. Why are YOU of all people taking it on yourself to tell them what to do and be judge and jury?

Concentrate on yourself.

 

normal person made a great point, humour is often the way to a woman's heart.

I get no sense of humour from you whatsoever, from your posts here anyway - something for you to work on perhaps?

 

I am funny when I'm with my friends or texting with them. This is just a serious topic though so why would I type out funny replies in here? It would just feel so out of place to post something funny in here. Everyone would just be like what the heck is going on with this guy.

 

And I'm not telling anyone what to do. I'm just saying that there has to be a pretty good reason for why so many women with unlimited options are still single. If they're attractive & have genuinely good personalities & good jobs than what's stopping them from finding someone unless they're really picky? They can do what they want since as you said who am I to say anything, but all I'm saying is there must be a good reason for it.

[elaine567]

And I'm not telling anyone what to do. I'm just saying that there has to be a pretty good reason for why so many women with unlimited options are still single. If they're attractive & have genuinely good personalities & good jobs than what's stopping them from finding someone unless they're really picky? They can do what they want since as you said who am I to say anything, but all I'm saying is there must be a good reason for it.

 

 

You are discounting women right, left and centre.

Too many options, not enough options, too picky, too materialistic, too ugly, too pretty, too crazy, too ....., too ..... too..... ad infinitum.

There is no-one left at that rate.

[NJ123]

You are discounting women right, left and centre.

Too many options, not enough options, too picky, too materialistic, too ugly, too pretty, too crazy, too ....., too ..... too..... ad infinitum.

There is no-one left at that rate.

 

What are you talking about? I'm not sure if you're implying that I don't think anyone is good enough for me which is definitely not true & ludicrous.

[BaileyB]

It is their prerogative, but that's why they're staying single because no one is good enough for them.

 

Possibly, but it just seems like a huge headache to have a huge checklist of things & if the guy doesn't have even 1 of those things than he's not good enough.

 

True, but people in here have told me that I need to compromise myself in terms of looks which I won't do since I refuse to be with someone I'm not attracted to. And I'm not anywhere as picky as people in here think I am in terms of looks.

 

And I'm not saying it's not fair, but as I said there's not enough of the type of men to go around that they want. Only 14% are 6 foot or taller. Than factor in how many of those guys are attractive to them? How many of them have good/great jobs? How many of them will have similar interests to them? That's going to be even way less than 14% if they desire all those things plus more, so a lot of them will have to compromise or else they're staying single as I said.

 

I hate to say it, but you have the most negative attitude, you make generalizations about women based on what you "think" they want, and you are very judgmental of women. I can't even begin to tell you how distorted and wrong most of your reasoning is... I can't even begin to tell you how unattractive and unbecoming this behavior is, particularly when you are trying to attract people and form relationships. If you spent 14% of the time you spend analyzing and generalizing and obsessing about women and OLD working on bettering your own life, you would be so much happier and dare I say it, much more appealing to the women you would like to date.

Edited September 23, 2016 by BaileyB

[NJ123]

I hate to say it, but you have the most negative attitude, you make very inaccurate rate generalizations about women, and you are very judgmental. I can't even begin to tell you how distorted and wrong most of your reasoning is... If you spent 14% of the time you spend analyzing and generalizing and obsessing about women and OLD working on bettering your own life, you would be so much happier and dare I say it, much more appealing to the women you would like to date.

 

How am I being negative or judgmental when taller men are the most desirable to women? How am I wrong on that? What am I saying that's wrong? Just go on match.com & see how 80% of the women want a guy that's taller or much taller than my height. Isn't that being judgmental where they wouldn't even give guys my height or shorter a chance before even getting to know them?

Edited September 23, 2016 by NJ123

[NJ123]

I almost feel like the thing is that if it doesn't affect someone personally than they just don't care. If a woman isn't that attractive no one else cares that she doesn't have many options if it doesn't affect themselves. As some in here said, no one is born with how they look, but do attractive people for instance even care about that? If a guy is short & is eliminated from a huge % of women based on that, no one cares except for the people it actually affects. No one cares unless it affects them personally is what it comes down to it seems like. I guess it's human nature to be that way though.

[Nightwriter]

I don't think the OP is being overly antagonistic so cut him some slack. He is a short guy who's maybe not good looking so I get that maybe not a lot of women give him attention and that's his observation from that pov. I have seen women who have muscle diseases or have some other obvious physical issue online who have some amazingly written profiles, and think, it's going to take someone really special to see past her appearance and into her real beauty. That's just life.

 

To the OP, even if everything you say is right, unless you are doing some sort doctoral dissertation over why beautiful women online remain single for a long time, it really doesn't matter. The best thing you can do is control what you can control, adopt the best attitude you can, and don't make the pursuit of finding a girlfriend online your obsession. I don't know if you have hobbies, but pursue those, go to meetups and find people who like what you like.

[Blanco]

Holy god how are we still talking about height more than 30 pages later?! Let's just be real once and for all: OP has no luck OLD because he's kind of a socially awkward loser with nothing at present date to offer a potential romantic partner, who refuses to date women who are at what his current dating market value is, and has a stinky, objectionable attitude about women on top of all that.

[Aniela]

I almost feel like the thing is that if it doesn't affect someone personally than they just don't care. If a woman isn't that attractive no one else cares that she doesn't have many options if it doesn't affect themselves. As some in here said, no one is born with how they look, but do attractive people for instance even care about that? If a guy is short & is eliminated from a huge % of women based on that, no one cares except for the people it actually affects. No one cares unless it affects them personally is what it comes down to it seems like. I guess it's human nature to be that way though.

 

I wish you wouldn't make so many assumptions, about women you deem to be unattractive. We have to put up with so much at times.

[BaileyB]

I have told you in this discussion, and others have told you in this discussion, that a short guy with a sense of humor, who is kind, and has a personality that makes people feel good to be around them will attract women.

 

A tall guy, who is unkind and uninteresting, will not be as attractive to women.

 

Given, OLD makes it difficult for people to show interest in someone based on more than superficial things like height. Which is why, people have told you to go out into the real world and meet real women. You want to show women that you are a wonderful guy who knows how to make a woman feel good about spending time with you...

 

Please STOP generalizing about what women want in a man - every woman is different! If a woman is going to discount dating you because you are short - to be really honest, she's probably not a woman you want to date anyway! You want someone who sees you for the good person that you are - not just how tall you stand at the DMV.

 

You could be the tallest and most handsome man in town, but if I went out with you and you started in with all these generalizations and negative talk, I'd be hard pressed to finish my coffee. Just saying - positivity, kindness, and a sense of humor are very attractive to women.

 

Stop analyzing and coming up with reasons why women do or do not date men on OLD. Go out into the world and find a woman - become her friend, develop a relationship, and see what happens from thre.

[NJ123]

I don't think the OP is being overly antagonistic so cut him some slack. He is a short guy who's maybe not good looking so I get that maybe not a lot of women give him attention and that's his observation from that pov. I have seen women who have muscle diseases or have some other obvious physical issue online who have some amazingly written profiles, and think, it's going to take someone really special to see past her appearance and into her real beauty. That's just life.

 

To the OP, even if everything you say is right, unless you are doing some sort doctoral dissertation over why beautiful women online remain single for a long time, it really doesn't matter. The best thing you can do is control what you can control, adopt the best attitude you can, and don't make the pursuit of finding a girlfriend online your obsession. I don't know if you have hobbies, but pursue those, go to meetups and find people who like what you like.

 

True. And I don't consider myself bad looking it's just I likely will have to work a lot harder to be given a chance than a guy that's taller which is the thing that sucks.

[NJ123]

I wish you wouldn't make so many assumptions, about women you deem to be unattractive. We have to put up with so much at times.

 

True, I apologize.

[BaileyB]

True. And I don't consider myself bad looking it's just I likely will have to work a lot harder to be given a chance than a guy that's taller which is the thing that sucks.

 

And the word that I've been trying to find... You have a self defeating attitude. Change your attitude, and you will be much happier and more successful in your life.