I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well yes, obviously it wasn't every minute of every day, I accept that.

 

We only have her description of events to go on but if it was non stop for the best part of a month then I personally find that excessive and abusive.

 

I have no problem with, following initial discovery and the immediate aftermath, somebody going for their wayward spouse with all guns blazing but to still be doing that a month later is just plain wrong.

 

Oh... I don't know...I guess it depends on what kind of things he said and how he said them.

 

We are all speculating of course...because we were not there...and she is not in a good state of mind either. She is extra sensitive...she is defensive...she is afraid...

 

after all...she just admitted to F***ing another man....

 

I can see him lashing out at her ...I can see him calling her names.....I can see him throwing her arse out the door....

 

A month...in the scheme of things...is nothing. I have absolutely no doubt the man is in shock...and he might remain that way for a very long time.

 

Finding out your young wife f***ed someone else is pretty damn traumatic...don't you think?

 

I will give him the benefit of the doubt....just like i am giving her.

[MuddyFootprints]

It is difficult to find a good counselor when you are in crisis. Be careful.

[road]

Yes he is married. H does not want to contact his wife. He feels it will just cause more issues and he wants him out of our lives. I told him whatever he wants to do. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. I am sure this is not his first time and I am sure it won't be his last.

 

 

 

 

This is a big mistake your BH needs to tell the OMW because without consequences he will come back sniffing for another round.

 

 

Why?

 

 

He knew how to get in a your pants before and he figures he will be able to find a weakness to exploit again to get you in bed again. This is how the mind works with the predator OM.

 

 

They never ask do you have an affair. The slowly work the friend angle to gain insight on how to knock the husband and build himself up to where he is able to get the woman to cross the friendship line to affair land.

 

 

Second reason is that when a OM never has to face the consequences for banging another man's wife it leaves him emboldened and not fear the BH so the OM usually will try to bed the WW again.

 

 

You may say that you will never weaken. But many WW's trying to stay NC have back slipped making recovery even harder.

 

 

Your BH needs to man up and call out the OM to the OMW. This is known as exposing the affair.

 

 

Please show this post to your BH.

[road]

Affairs=abuse...while I don't think it's acceptable to verbally abuse anyone, it's ironic that an abuser would call foul on abuse that is a direct result of their abuse

 

Two wrongs never make a right. Though three left turns will.

[road]

oh dear God....sweetheart...that was really a bad thing to say.....

 

I understand your point...but really bad thing to say unless it was a fact.

 

Abuse of any kind is wrong.....but lets be very clear

 

A broken husband lashing out verbally at a cheating wife...is not abuse...it is REACTION. If it continues or escalates...it certainly can become abusive.

 

Beating, guns....those are assault and can be prosecuted.

 

Cheating....is emotional abuse...without any shadow of a doubt....

 

On D day it is not unexpected for a BH to blow their top and call their WW horrible names. Names that the mod's will not allow us to post here.

 

 

However after the initial discovery happens and the BH losses it, the BH needs to rein in abusive language.

[road]

I do not think anyone here is justifying abusive behavior....I think the point is being made that

 

we have a wayward wife...two months out from an affair...making statements that her betrayed husband is saying abusive things to her...

 

In all honesty....she doesn't know any better than to say it at this point. As she learns more about the repercussions of infidelity...her wisdom about what to say and what not to say...will also grow. If it doesn't...then she is missing the boat.

 

The OP...has a whole lot to learn....as we all did when we were first thrust into this situation.

 

I made some pretty horrific statements to my husband thirty years ago....and if i had come to a forum then...I most likely would have said some pretty stupid things.

 

Unfortunately...I have learned a lot about infidelity....and she will too. I am not excusing what she said....but it was honest and it shows us where she is mentally right now.

 

She will grow....

 

It does not take 30 years or 1 year for a WW to learn if her BH is truly being abusive.

 

 

Many WW take the abuse in the beginning but depending on how much they can handle will guide them on when to tell their BH that they have to stop being abusive but they understand their BH's need to express how the affair makes them feel and they are there to talk about the affair whenever the BH wants.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is a big mistake your BH needs to tell the OMW because without consequences he will come back sniffing for another round.

 

 

Why?

 

 

He knew how to get in a your pants before and he figures he will be able to find a weakness to exploit again to get you in bed again. This is how the mind works with the predator OM.

 

 

They never ask do you have an affair. The slowly work the friend angle to gain insight on how to knock the husband and build himself up to where he is able to get the woman to cross the friendship line to affair land.

 

 

Second reason is that when a OM never has to face the consequences for banging another man's wife it leaves him emboldened and not fear the BH so the OM usually will try to bed the WW again.

 

 

You may say that you will never weaken. But many WW's trying to stay NC have back slipped making recovery even harder.

 

 

Your BH needs to man up and call out the OM to the OMW. This is known as exposing the affair.

 

 

Please show this post to your BH.

 

 

Her husband needs to do what he thinks is right for him...this is not about manning up...good grief. He is only two months out!

 

Maybe you "manned up" and confronted your wife's lover....but that answer may not be the right one for everybody else.

 

Right now...the man is just trying to hold his life together....

 

there is plenty of time in the future to confront if he chooses to do so...besides...

 

by waiting he can think about it and plan exactly how he wants to approach him if he chooses to do so.

 

My husband never confronted my om and the om was not married at the time so there was no one to expose him to....my husband waited many years...then sent the om's new wife an email. He never got a response...lol

 

The om also never attempted to contact me in any way...nor did i ever contact him. Maybe some people do this...but i did not....so it is best not to assume everyone behaves this way.

 

One regret I have is that we did not expose Mr professor to the President of the college....but had we done that...it would have caused my husband more embarrassment. So it was probably better left alone. Besides...we have the satisfaction of knowing that he eventually lost that job and many others afterwards....reasons? unknown....but deep in our hearts we believe he eventually screwed the wrong wife or daughter.

[MuddyFootprints]

Her husband needs to do what he thinks is right for him...this is not about manning up...good grief. He is only two months out!

 

Maybe you "manned up" and confronted your wife's lover....but that answer may not be the right one for everybody else.

 

Right now...the man is just trying to hold his life together....

 

there is plenty of time in the future to confront if he chooses to do so...besides...

 

by waiting he can think about it and plan exactly how he wants to approach him if he chooses to do so.

 

My husband never confronted my om and the om was not married at the time so there was no one to expose him to....my husband waited many years...then sent the om's new wife an email. He never got a response...lol

 

The om also never attempted to contact me in any way...nor did i ever contact him. Maybe some people do this...but i did not....so it is best not to assume everyone behaves this way.

 

One regret I have is that we did not expose Mr professor to the President of the college....but had we done that...it would have caused my husband more embarrassment. So it was probably better left alone. Besides...we have the satisfaction of knowing that he eventually lost that job and many others afterwards....reasons? unknown....but deep in our hearts we believe he eventually screwed the wrong wife or daughter.

 

I'm on my phone. The last paragraph is what I want to quote. Do you regret not making yourself or your husband a public spectacle?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm on my phone. The last paragraph is what I want to quote. Do you regret not making yourself or your husband a public spectacle?

 

no...I don't...which is why i said it was probably better left alone. Had we exposed the om...my affair would have gone public....and we kept my affair very private. It was what HE wanted....

 

So I do not regret doing it the exact way we did it....but exposing him might have prevented him from repeating what he did....then again...who knows right? He was a player....I have no doubt he remained so.

[understand50]

WS2016,

 

After all that you are going through, the hurt, the pain and the anger that your husband has, the last thing you want to do is meet up or be friends with the OM. This looks like a one time mistake, and deeply regretted. My own opinion is, that for this type of cheating, the the odds of you cheating again are really low. The old saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is true, in that you can never take this back, but it does not mean you are doomed to a life of cheating for ever more. In fact, with all you are going trough and all your pain, hurt and humiliation, I would not bet you would.

 

Leave the chose with your husband on what he wants to do with tell the OM wife. Support him on his decision. Give him this. I have stated you need to play the long game, this means being faithful ever more. I am sure you can do this. The longer he stays, and the more questions he asks, the better. It shows he is trying to reconcile the idea of staying with you. Keep your chin up. There is hope.

 

I wish you luck....

[understand50]

no...I don't...which is why i said it was probably better left alone. Had we exposed the om...my affair would have gone public....and we kept my affair very private. It was what HE wanted....

 

So I do not regret doing it the exact way we did it....but exposing him might have prevented him from repeating what he did....then again...who knows right? He was a player....I have no doubt he remained so.

 

Every situation is different, and we should leave this each couple to do what is best for them and respect their decision. Personally, I have never talked to anyone about, my G/F now wife ONS, nor her over spending us to the brink of bankruptcy. It is our business, and keeping this between us as much as possible, helps in the healing.

 

I really think, that in the end, this is the betrayed spouse call. If this was a ongoing and long affair, may be he would have a different take, but is was a one time slip and instantly admitted to. Let's cut them both some slack.

 

My two cents......

[MuddyFootprints]

So, no. You don't really regret choosing to protect yourselves and your marriage.

 

That is a completely justifiable decision.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Every situation is different, and we should leave this each couple to do what is best for them and respect their decision. Personally, I have never talked to anyone about, my G/F now wife ONS, nor her over spending us to the brink of bankruptcy. It is our business, and keeping this between us as much as possible, helps in the healing.

 

I really think, that in the end, this is the betrayed spouse call. If this was a ongoing and long affair, may be he would have a different take, but is was a one time slip and instantly admitted to. Let's cut them both some slack.

 

My two cents......

 

I said the same thing as you....it was ROAD who said he should man up and expose.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So, no. You don't really regret choosing to protect yourselves and your marriage.

 

That is a completely justifiable decision.

 

no i don't regret that my husband chose to protect us....it was his wish to keep it quiet....

 

Many folks disagree with our approach...but it worked for us.

[understand50]

I said the same thing as you....it was ROAD who said he should man up and expose.

 

I was agreeing to and adding to your thought - sorry

[DKT3]

I've long since disagreed with the concept of exposure, also gathering evidence of the affair itself. Truth be told, I simply just don't believe you can intimidate or shame a wayward spouse into "being faithful, or wanting to be with you". I told my mother and brother, but not my dad and sister (sister and wife were very, very close).

 

WS and AP are adults if they want to continue they will no matter who knows what.

[Try]

Absolute nonsense. Have you read her post?

 

Every minute of the day for over three weeks. That is abusive. I don't care what she did, no one deserves that.

Do you really believe the he did this "Every minute of the day for over three weeks" like the OP stated? Do you actually think that they were together and awake every minute of every day and that this all that they did for 3 weeks? Of course not. You and I both know that the OP is clearly exaggerating. If we know that she is exaggerating, then the degree that this happened is exclusively based on what she thinks is too much. Since after only 2 months she is so quickly frustrated that "he doesn't believe" her, and she already does not "know what to do", my money is on that she just does not get it when it comes to understanding the magnitude of what she did, and that her willingness to do the required heavy lifting before she blames him for being unreasonable is very low.

[Ws2016]

He doesn't want to expose him for a couple of reasons. I told him I would support whatever decision he decided on. He's a big boy and can make his own decision and this is about what will heal him and what he needs not about what he is "suppose" to do. I am here to support his decisions not tell him what I think he should do. I lost that privilege.

[Ws2016]

Do you really believe the he did this "Every minute of the day for over three weeks" like the OP stated? Do you actually think that they were together and awake every minute of every day and that this all that they did for 3 weeks? Of course not. You and I both know that the OP is clearly exaggerating. If we know that she is exaggerating, then the degree that this happened is exclusively based on what she thinks is too much. Since after only 2 months she is so quickly frustrated that "he doesn't believe" her, and she already does not "know what to do", my money is on that she just does not get it when it comes to understanding the magnitude of what she did, and that her willingness to do the required heavy lifting before she blames him for being unreasonable is very low.

 

 

Not at all! First. I am not frustrated. I came on here to ask the tough questions and get the tough answers. I have never been through this before! I don't know what to expect, what's "normal" behavior, ect... This thread has opened my eyes to a lot and I am taking it all in and learning from it. I never once said I was frustrated with him. I think as far as the magnitude of what I did, that grows over the days. It takes a while to wrap your head around what you did and even to admit it. It took me weeks to actually say "I had an affair" but I want to understand. I want to be better for him, for me, for our children whatever the outcome. That's why I came here to ask advice.

 

As far as the way he was acting those few weeks. I didn't think I had to be clear to say "well he wasn't bring verbally abusive when he was sleeping" but yes, every other time if the day it was terrible. But, that's over and forgiven. I wish I didn't mention it in this thread really. It was not meant to be anything more then trying to figure out typical behavior vs. Crossing the line behavior. That's all!

Edited September 9, 2016 by Ws2016

[Try]

Not at all! First. I am not frustrated. I came on here to ask the tough questions and get the tough answers. I have never been through this before! I don't know what to expect, what's "normal" behavior, ect... This thread has opened my eyes to a lot and I am taking it all in and learning from it. I never once said I was frustrated with him. I think as far as the magnitude of what I did, that grows over the days. It takes a while to wrap your head around what you did and even to admit it. It took me weeks to actually say "I had an affair" but I want to understand. I want to be better for him, for me, for our children whatever the outcome. That's why I came here to ask advice.

 

As far as the way he was acting those few weeks. I didn't think I had to be clear to say "well he wasn't bring verbally abusive when he was sleeping" but yes, every other time if the day it was terrible. But, that's over and forgiven. I wish I didn't mention it in this thread really. It was not meant to be anything more then trying to figure out typical behavior vs. Crossing the line behavior. That's all!

Fair enough. Your comments above shows that you are heading in the right direction in understanding your husband's feelings, and that we should not hold what you said early in the thread as being what you think today. Again, you are heading in the right direction, so keep at it. Also, in trying to "figure out typical behavior", for a spouse that has been cheated on your husbands behavior is common. Edited September 9, 2016 by Try

[lovinDKT3]

Ws, I would love to give you a hug and applaud your bravery. Having been in your shoes I totally understand how difficult confession is.

 

Recovery after infidelity is very difficult, so many moving parts that have to come together to make it work.

 

It is very important that you take things one day at a time, looking for the finish line can overwhelmin you, look for small victories. Stay the course, focus on improving yourself everyday, being there for him, but not losing your voice.

 

It's also important to know you can't heal him, all you can do is make yourself a safe partner. In the end it may not be enough, he may never recover or view you the way he once did. That's ok, if you've done the work you will be a better person for it.

[road]

Her husband needs to do what he thinks is right for him...this is not about manning up...good grief. He is only two months out!

 

Maybe you "manned up" and confronted your wife's lover....but that answer may not be the right one for everybody else.

 

Right now...the man is just trying to hold his life together....

 

there is plenty of time in the future to confront if he chooses to do so...besides...

 

by waiting he can think about it and plan exactly how he wants to approach him if he chooses to do so.

 

My husband never confronted my om and the om was not married at the time so there was no one to expose him to....my husband waited many years...then sent the om's new wife an email. He never got a response...lol

 

The om also never attempted to contact me in any way...nor did i ever contact him. Maybe some people do this...but i did not....so it is best not to assume everyone behaves this way.

 

One regret I have is that we did not expose Mr professor to the President of the college....but had we done that...it would have caused my husband more embarrassment. So it was probably better left alone. Besides...we have the satisfaction of knowing that he eventually lost that job and many others afterwards....reasons? unknown....but deep in our hearts we believe he eventually screwed the wrong wife or daughter.

 

 

 

You confused what worked for you is what works most of the time.

 

 

Most of the time the OM does not go away. Most of the time the OM comes back when he feels things have cooled down and he feels it is safe to come back and try to get into the WW's pants again.

 

 

The number one thing that makes the OM feel secure enough to comeback fishing is when the OM is allowed to walk away without facing any consequences.

 

 

The biggest consequence an OM can face is having his affair with the WW exposed to his BW. Also with the OMW now watching the OM like a hawk makes the OM stay away from this WW.

 

 

The POSOM just lays low. If he learnt his lesson no more AP's. If not he will move onto a new AP. Either way after exposure this BH gets better odds at saving his marriage.

[road]

I've long since disagreed with the concept of exposure, also gathering evidence of the affair itself. Truth be told, I simply just don't believe you can intimidate or shame a wayward spouse into "being faithful, or wanting to be with you". I told my mother and brother, but not my dad and sister (sister and wife were very, very close).

 

WS and AP are adults if they want to continue they will no matter who knows what.

 

 

Without evidence the BS can not find out if they were cheated on.

 

 

Exposure is the most effective tool there is to end an affair.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Without evidence the BS can not find out if they were cheated on.

 

 

Exposure is the most effective tool there is to end an affair.

 

If a ws confesses... Why would the betrayed spouse need evidence? Do you believe a ws would lie about it? Wouldn't that be rather stupid?

 

Oh honey by the way I had an affair ... Just kidding

[road]

If a ws confesses... Why would the betrayed spouse need evidence? Do you believe a ws would lie about it? Wouldn't that be rather stupid?

 

 

 

And we all can believe that the check is on the mail.

 

 

 

 

Too many WW's trickle truth even when they confess before the WW was caught by the BH.

 

 

Honey, I cheated, but it was just an EA.

A year later the OM kissed me.

Another year well I did kiss him back, just to see what is was like and he was awful, and I did it only once.

Next year we had a make out session in that new SUV that I always wanted that you just bought for me, and all we did was kiss.

 

 

Then admits petting and many sessions,

 

 

Then oral,

 

 

Then sex,

 

 

Then things she never did with her BH,

 

 

Then all the things she refused to do with her BH but did lots of times with her OM.

 

 

 

 

Just because a WW confesses does not mean she did not or is proof that she did not trickle truth.