I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[lolablue17]

Right now, when it's fresh, there's a reason why you feel the way you feel. It's because that's what he wants you to feel. He stays at the exact point which is the worst for you, even if he's doing it unconsciously. You hurt him, he wants to punish you. If he feels better, you will feel better and that is something he cannot let to happen.

 

The good news? This period is probably the lowest one. Because his pain will reduce in time, till is gets to a level where he can start thinking about other things beside his ego and his deep pain.

[Marc878]

Maybe this will help. It's tough to understand if you aren't on the receiving end.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[drifter777]

Reading your comments pretty much convinces me that you do not want to repair your marriage. You had an exit affair - you just haven't admitted it to yourself. I guess the biggest reason I come to this conclusion is your expectation that your husband should be "better" after only 2 months. That is beyond belief, to me, and any counselor you see will tell you the same thing.

 

Yes, he is trying to punish you. Yes, he needs to know details so he knows what he really has to forgive. Yes, he doesn't trust you. All this is an extremely typical response by a man whose wife cheats on him. You sound as though you believe that because you came clean and are "truly remorseful" that you are entitled to forgiveness.

 

Entitled.

[Marc878]

He needs some time to think through this. If it is a deal breaker and dome it is don't waste life on something that will never be.

 

Just file and move on.

[DKT3]

Reading your comments pretty much convinces me that you do not want to repair your marriage. You had an exit affair - you just haven't admitted it to yourself. I guess the biggest reason I come to this conclusion is your expectation that your husband should be "better" after only 2 months. That is beyond belief, to me, and any counselor you see will tell you the same thing.

 

Yes, he is trying to punish you. Yes, he needs to know details so he knows what he really has to forgive. Yes, he doesn't trust you. All this is an extremely typical response by a man whose wife cheats on him. You sound as though you believe that because you came clean and are "truly remorseful" that you are entitled to forgiveness.

 

Entitled.

 

We see that alot here, but I don't see it with this case. In those situations the women have nothing good to say and make themselves out to be the victims.

 

Ws2016, what were some of the issues before the affair?

[Ws2016]

Reading your comments pretty much convinces me that you do not want to repair your marriage. You had an exit affair - you just haven't admitted it to yourself. I guess the biggest reason I come to this conclusion is your expectation that your husband should be "better" after only 2 months. That is beyond belief, to me, and any counselor you see will tell you the same thing.

 

Yes, he is trying to punish you. Yes, he needs to know details so he knows what he really has to forgive. Yes, he doesn't trust you. All this is an extremely typical response by a man whose wife cheats on him. You sound as though you believe that because you came clean and are "truly remorseful" that you are entitled to forgiveness.

 

Entitled.

 

That's not how I feel at all.

[understand50]

Ws2016,

The main thing you have to remember, is that you are not in control. What your husband is trying to do, is decide, if he loves you enough to forgive you. Until he reaches that decision, your only option in to stay, and try and help him trough all this pain and hurt. Two months is not long, and if you want to try and stay married, you are going to have to go through this. It will subside. IC will help him, but it may also allow him to leave you, and you must be prepared for that.

 

As for strategies, you must be as open and transparent as possible. You must show remorse, by being the best wife and mother you can be under the circumstances. You must wait for him. There is not rule book fore this, when the betrayed spouse decides to leave, or is on the fence. You will have to feel your way.

 

If he gives you the gift of a second chance, you need to see it that way, and work to deserve it. If he does not, you will have to resign yourself to being a co-parent, and try your best to remain cordial with him, for the sake of your kids. (you have kids?)

 

I wish you luck.......

[Marc878]

No matter what you did he does not have the right to verbally abuse you and you certainly don't have to take it. I'd leave,give yourselves a break, think about things and see if going forward is even a viable option.

 

I got news for you. If you go out and have an affair behind someone's back they are likely to get verbally abusive.

 

It's called reality.

[Ws2016]

We see that alot here, but I don't see it with this case. In those situations the women have nothing good to say and make themselves out to be the victims.

 

Ws2016, what were some of the issues before the affair?

 

Thank you! I am definitely NOT playing the victim. I did a terrible horrible thing to someone who didn't deserve it because I was reacting to something in our marriage. I am 100% at fault for my actions, I don't "expect forgiveness" and I certainly don't feel entitled to a thing. I was wrong and will take whatever consequences I have coming to me for my very selfish act.

 

Before this it was your typical, no communication, not feeling like I mattered, work always came before our relationship, no sex, no interest in each other, a lot of bitterness over it all. Things like "why should I give him what he needs if he doesn't give me what I need" he felt the same way. This has progressed over time and unfortunately I snapped and acted on anger and resentment. It was a destructive way to handle it. I am not expecting him to be all better in two months. I am more wondering when it starts to get more clear which direction he is going in because he says one thing then does another. But reading on here shows me this is pretty typical behavior and I just need to be patient. Very helpful! I really wanted to head for people who have been in the other side to give advice. What more I can be doing? What's going on in his head so I can be more understanding ect...

Edited September 7, 2016 by Ws2016

[Ws2016]

Ws2016,

The main thing you have to remember, is that you are not in control. What your husband is trying to do, is decide, if he loves you enough to forgive you. Until he reaches that decision, your only option in to stay, and try and help him trough all this pain and hurt. Two months is not long, and if you want to try and stay married, you are going to have to go through this. It will subside. IC will help him, but it may also allow him to leave you, and you must be prepared for that.

 

As for strategies, you must be as open and transparent as possible. You must show remorse, by being the best wife and mother you can be under the circumstances. You must wait for him. There is not rule book fore this, when the betrayed spouse decides to leave, or is on the fence. You will have to feel your way.

 

If he gives you the gift of a second chance, you need to see it that way, and work to deserve it. If he does not, you will have to resign yourself to being a co-parent, and try your best to remain cordial with him, for the sake of your kids. (you have kids?)

 

I wish you luck.......

 

Thank you. That's very helpful.

[drifter777]

That's not how I feel at all.

 

Then be patient for Gods sake. Set some guidelines regarding abuse but let him vent! He will ask you 1 million times "Why?" and "what sex acts did you do with him?" and "what else sexual happened?". You need to answer truthfully and help him understand that you are being completely transparent and that he knows everything, and you'll have to do it 1 million times.

 

You say things went great for a while right after d-day. This is called hysterical bonding and is a real evolutionary kind of thing. It always wears off and then real-life intrudes on the fantasy that the WW has of "we are getting past this and things are good!". Real life is what happens when the weight of what you did falls on your BH.

 

Know that trying to reconcile will be the hardest, most painful thing you will ever do. And, in the end, you may end up divorcing anyway. Your husband needs to get his pain, anger, and shame out of him and it will be directed at you. This is one of the consequences you must pay and if you are not willing to deal with this for the next couple of years than end your marriage now. You cannot make him heal on your timeline - it doesn't work this way.

[DKT3]

For many if us (BH) the very first thing is going all caveman, claim what's mine mark my territory, this will bring an amped up sex drive. The next is flight, this usually brings a danger of a revenge affair as he start looking to boost his ego and repair his pride. So many of us get the urge, after all these years I've been faithful and she does this, where is that 25 years old that flirted with me at Starbucks last month.

 

Mainly in the early days, months as are searching for a reason to stay, if you give him a reason he will stay but it will be a roller coaster ride because at times he will hate himself for staying and take it out on you.

 

All you can do us go all in, be consistent with everything you do. If you say you are going to the store and will be back in 30 mins, be back in 29 leaving the time stamped receipt in his view. Unlock your phone, leave it laying around as you move about the house...my wife still does this. Over share with him, once he gets sick of it he will let you know.

[Whoknew30]

Just remember being transparent is one thing but not only the A is the problem but what issues you had before this happened. You evidently weren't happy in your marriage to begin with (doesn't excuse the A) but if you don't get to those issues at this time, then it won't be better if you stayed married. You'll just be going through motions bc of guilt & the real issues will keep piling up. Don't be so scared to lose your marriage that you stay in a marriage you weren't happy in to being with. If he stays it should be a new start on every level...good luck

[kgcolonel]

Thank you! I am definitely NOT playing the victim. I did a terrible horrible thing to someone who didn't deserve it because I was reacting to something in our marriage. I am 100% at fault for my actions, I don't "expect forgiveness" and I certainly don't feel entitled to a thing. I was wrong and will take whatever consequences I have coming to me for my very selfish act.

 

Before this it was your typical, no communication, not feeling like I mattered, work always came before our relationship, no sex, no interest in each other, a lot of bitterness over it all. Things like "why should I give him what he needs if he doesn't give me what I need" he felt the same way. This has progressed over time and unfortunately I snapped and acted on anger and resentment. It was a destructive way to handle it. I am not expecting him to be all better in two months. I am more wondering when it starts to get more clear which direction he is going in because he says one thing then does another. But reading on here shows me this is pretty typical behavior and I just need to be patient. Very helpful! I really wanted to head for people who have been in the other side to give advice. What more I can be doing? What's going on in his head so I can be more understanding ect...

 

The key here that I see is exactly what you have said yourself....before the A, it was your typical, no communication, not feeling like I mattered, work always came before our relationship etc. Well, he is communicating (maybe not in the form you'd like but better to be opening up and expressing himself than not, if you didn't matter, he would have already walked, the bitterness is the depth of his pain and hurt. Anger is a secondary emotion....it is secondary to hurt....anger covers the hurt so take it for what it is, he is deeply hurt and doesn't yet feel SAFE to tell you about his hurt so anger is the output of the emotions but on the upside, he is expressing himself which like you said, he did not do prior.

 

Please give that some thought and see the anger for what it is, pain and hurt. Learn to be grateful for the sharing even though it isn't yet in the form you feel you can work with. Men typically are not good communicators in interpersonal relationships.

 

One additional thing, men are not intuitive normally. I have seen many men sit in counselling sessions week after week listening to the wife talk about what she needs and is not getting until one day the wife breaks the news to the husband that dreaded phrase, "I want out" and the husband is totally taken aback as to "what happened, I am coming to counseling, what else does she want". He is sincerely shocked. This is likely the why he didn't engage before the A as he didn't HEAR what you were truly saying to him. Men, typically are just that way whereas women, typically are much more intuitive such that when they hear their spouse express a need, she will most likely say something along the lines of "what do you need from me to feel better". Men / Mars Women / Venus.....we're truly designed different.

[Cephalopod]

WS good for you coming clean and being honest with him. You did a huge favor to yourself by doing that. Kudos to you.

 

Can you answer some questions?

 

Now, have you told him absolutely EVERYTHING? Have you trickle-truthed at all or did you lay it all out there...every ugly bit of it?

 

How old are you and your husband?

 

How many years married?

 

How many children?

 

Do you work with your affair partner?

 

How would you describe your current economic situation? Do you and hubby have a good combined income?

 

Have you ever had another emotional affair or physical affair before this affair?

 

Are you flirty and outgoing? Do you normally have proper boundaries in place when you are around other men? Was this affair really an aberration or was it the logical conclusion of a pattern of of being too friendly with men?

 

I'm not saying you are easy or cheap, I'm just wondering how you communicate with men on a daily basis.

[Ws2016]

WS good for you coming clean and being honest with him. You did a huge favor to yourself by doing that. Kudos to you.

 

Can you answer some questions?

 

Now, have you told him absolutely EVERYTHING? Have you trickle-truthed at all or did you lay it all out there...every ugly bit of it?

 

How old are you and your husband?

 

How many years married?

 

How many children?

 

Do you work with your affair partner?

 

How would you describe your current economic situation? Do you and hubby have a good combined income?

 

Have you ever had another emotional affair or physical affair before this affair?

 

Are you flirty and outgoing? Do you normally have proper boundaries in place when you are around other men? Was this affair really an aberration or was it the logical conclusion of a pattern of of being too friendly with men?

 

I'm not saying you are easy or cheap, I'm just wondering how you communicate with men on a daily basis.

 

Mid 40s

2 children 11 and 12

No I do not work with him

Hubby makes all the money and all the finacial decisions (which was another issue)

I am absolutely not the least bit flirty what so ever. He was completely shocked when I told him because I have never even looked at another man. I am definitey not friendly with other men what so ever in a flirty way. I have friends of the opposite sex (a few) but nothing flirty at all and except for the OM my H knows them.

 

Oh and yes. There is absolutely nothing I am not telling him. He knows 100% EVERYTHING! I even told him I would take a poly and meant it.

Edited September 7, 2016 by Ws2016

[Gr8fuln2020]

what do you do when you regret an affair, came clean, answering every question, giving spouse access to phone, emails ect, letting him track me on my car, telling him every detail, going to therapy (sometimes twice a week) really showing how I know I screwed up and I take full responsibility ect.. But it's not enough? He says he doesn't see how we can ever work it out and he doesn't really want to but he hasn't left, he asks me questions and wants to talk to me about it all the time, he has been extremely verbally abusive and says I just need to take it for what I did. I am truly TRULY remorseful for my actions, I call it what it was.... A downright deceitful betrayal. No matter how bad our marriage was (and it was pretty bad but nothing abusive) there was no excuse for my actions. I see this! But I'm not sure what to do at this point? It's only been 2 months but even when I tell him the truth he says he doesn't believe me and never will but I keep trying. I don't kmow what to do.

 

Your relationship was already bad. You had an affair and it will, in my opinion, only further deteriorate. The reasons you had the affair still remain, but worse, no? Why stay in the relationship at all?

[Ws2016]

Your relationship was already bad. You had an affair and it will, in my opinion, only further deteriorate. The reasons you had the affair still remain, but worse, no? Why stay in the relationship at all?

 

I love him. I'm holding onto some hope that we can get start over and come out stronger. I'm not ready to give up.

[ladydesigner]

I love him. I'm holding onto some hope that we can get start over and come out stronger. I'm not ready to give up.

 

Reconciliation is definitely possible as well as surviving this! Give it time, let your BS lead the way for awhile. Maybe after the A has been discussed into the ground you can both then discuss how to improve the M dynamics in MC later.

[Chica80]

I had the same question. Do you love him? Why do you want to stay with him?

 

Is the verbal abuse new or a result of the A?

 

If it is new, give him time to work through it. He needs healing and a way to process.

If it is not new than this is just another way for him to punish you verbally emotionally.

[aliveagain]

Please do not be offended by what I am writing you but please accept it as the writings of a man that loved his spouse more then he loves himself. Having been in your husbands position and discovering that all he held sacred and safe has been taken away from him by the person he holds most sacred, you. It does not matter that it only happened once, it should never ever have happened at all because as his partner you were supposed to protect him from all the slimy predators that are out there, you swore you would and he absolutely believed you. You didn't fight to protect what he holds so dear, you gave it away to someone when he wasn't there to defend himself in fact you never even thought about him while it was happening. You failed.

 

When I discovered my ex's infidelity all I could think about was the fact that she was now tainted. I had visions of her helping him slide it in as she wrapped her legs around him because most men need help hitting the mark. This is what is going through his mind, you under him directing him, two people sweating, exchanging bodily fluids. He knows other things happened, you stroking him, oral. Do not minimize the fact that you broke your trust just because it happened once. Once in his eyes is once too many because you promised it would never happen but here you are. You can't undo what has happened an no amount of wishing will make it right. He is watching your actions, he doesn't give a sh*t about whats coming out of your mouth because your word doesn't mean much right now.

 

Get help, find out why you allowed yourself the approval to do this to him. Find out what he wants so that he can heal and maybe one day forgive you. Do not blame shift or hold any truths about your infidelity from him, give him the truth. This is about your selfishness and nothing he did pushed you into the other mans arms. You need to give him an answer as to why you needed another man to fulfill you when he was there all the time. Do not make promises you can't keep ever again.

[Cephalopod]

Mid 40s

2 children 11 and 12

No I do not work with him

Hubby makes all the money and all the finacial decisions (which was another issue)

I am absolutely not the least bit flirty what so ever. He was completely shocked when I told him because I have never even looked at another man. I am definitey not friendly with other men what so ever in a flirty way. I have friends of the opposite sex (a few) but nothing flirty at all and except for the OM my H knows them.

 

Oh and yes. There is absolutely nothing I am not telling him. He knows 100% EVERYTHING! I even told him I would take a poly and meant it.

 

I think this is savable. Unlike my unfaithful ex-wife, you seem to have some remorse. Two months is indeed a very short time from D-Day and your husband is still bleeding out.

 

The only thing I can tell you to do is be PROACTIVE. He needs to see you making the changes you need to make in yourself to become a safe partner for him. Right now he doesn't feel safe. Until he feels safe he will have one foot out the door, so you are in a run against time right now.

 

Keep going to I.C...that is very good. And have goals and a plan for IC. You need to tel your therapist that you are working towards reestablishing proper internal and external boundaries for yourself. Make an action plan as to how you will accomplish this. Share it with your husband.

 

If you have anything in your life or in the household that could trigger your husband then get rid of it. If you had specific clothing or lingerie that you wore for the OM when you would have your meetups with him, get rid of that stuff.

 

If you had friends who knew of your affair or encouraged your relationship with OM, they need to go.

 

Install a tracker on your cell phone that will allow your husband to track your whereabouts. Don't ask him what he thinks, just do it.

 

Be ready to hand your phone over to him anytime he asks.

 

Print out a sheet with all your online accounts and passwords and provide him with this.

 

If you used an online account (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc) then you need to shut down that account for good and stay off. Show hubby you did this.

 

Sit down one day and write out a complete timeline of your affair, from when you first met the OM to the first time you hooked up, and every subsequent time after that and give it to your husband.

 

If you did things sexually with the OM that you never would do with hubby, then you have a problem. You will need to be open and forthcoming with the "whys". If you don't have an answer you better get one.

 

As for the verbal abuse, you stay calm and tell him (calmly) that you are sorry and that you understand his anger and you deserve his anger, but that you will not be called names or insulted. If he continues you walk out of the room and come back a few minutes later after he has had time to cool off and you tell him you're sorry again and ask him what you need to do for him.

 

Tell him you are sorry for what you did... dozens of times a day. Tell him you would do anything to take away his pain, even if it means that you need to let him go to find his happiness.

 

These are just a few of the things you could do proactively without his asking. These are some of the things I wish my exWW had done for me.

[Ws2016]

I had the same question. Do you love him? Why do you want to stay with him?

 

Is the verbal abuse new or a result of the A?

 

If it is new, give him time to work through it. He needs healing and a way to process.

If it is not new than this is just another way for him to punish you verbally emotionally.

 

New. After this. It got really nasty. Said some things I gave never heard a person say to another person. Many many names. Not sure how normal that is.

[Ws2016]

Please do not be offended by what I am writing you but please accept it as the writings of a man that loved his spouse more then he loves himself. Having been in your husbands position and discovering that all he held sacred and safe has been taken away from him by the person he holds most sacred, you. It does not matter that it only happened once, it should never ever have happened at all because as his partner you were supposed to protect him from all the slimy predators that are out there, you swore you would and he absolutely believed you. You didn't fight to protect what he holds so dear, you gave it away to someone when he wasn't there to defend himself in fact you never even thought about him while it was happening. You failed.

 

When I discovered my ex's infidelity all I could think about was the fact that she was now tainted. I had visions of her helping him slide it in as she wrapped her legs around him because most men need help hitting the mark. This is what is going through his mind, you under him directing him, two people sweating, exchanging bodily fluids. He knows other things happened, you stroking him, oral. Do not minimize the fact that you broke your trust just because it happened once. Once in his eyes is once too many because you promised it would never happen but here you are. You can't undo what has happened an no amount of wishing will make it right. He is watching your actions, he doesn't give a sh*t about whats coming out of your mouth because your word doesn't mean much right now.

 

Get help, find out why you allowed yourself the approval to do this to him. Find out what he wants so that he can heal and maybe one day forgive you. Do not blame shift or hold any truths about your infidelity from him, give him the truth. This is about your selfishness and nothing he did pushed you into the other mans arms. You need to give him an answer as to why you needed another man to fulfill you when he was there all the time. Do not make promises you can't keep ever again.

Not offended AT ALL! This is why I asked. I want to know what he is feeling but can't tell me. Thank you!

[Ws2016]

I think this is savable. Unlike my unfaithful ex-wife, you seem to have some remorse. Two months is indeed a very short time from D-Day and your husband is still bleeding out.

 

The only thing I can tell you to do is be PROACTIVE. He needs to see you making the changes you need to make in yourself to become a safe partner for him. Right now he doesn't feel safe. Until he feels safe he will have one foot out the door, so you are in a run against time right now.

 

Keep going to I.C...that is very good. And have goals and a plan for IC. You need to tel your therapist that you are working towards reestablishing proper internal and external boundaries for yourself. Make an action plan as to how you will accomplish this. Share it with your husband.

 

If you have anything in your life or in the household that could trigger your husband then get rid of it. If you had specific clothing or lingerie that you wore for the OM when you would have your meetups with him, get rid of that stuff.

 

If you had friends who knew of your affair or encouraged your relationship with OM, they need to go.

 

Install a tracker on your cell phone that will allow your husband to track your whereabouts. Don't ask him what he thinks, just do it.

 

Be ready to hand your phone over to him anytime he asks.

 

Print out a sheet with all your online accounts and passwords and provide him with this.

 

If you used an online account (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc) then you need to shut down that account for good and stay off. Show hubby you did this.

 

Sit down one day and write out a complete timeline of your affair, from when you first met the OM to the first time you hooked up, and every subsequent time after that and give it to your husband.

 

 

If you did things sexually with the OM that you never would do with hubby, then you have a problem. You will need to be open and forthcoming with the "whys". If you don't have an answer you better get one.

 

As for the verbal abuse, you stay calm and tell him (calmly) that you are sorry and that you understand his anger and you deserve his anger, but that you will not be called names or insulted. If he continues you walk out of the room and come back a few minutes later after he has had time to cool off and you tell him you're sorry again and ask him what you need to do for him.

 

Tell him you are sorry for what you did... dozens of times a day. Tell him you would do anything to take away his pain, even if it means that you need to let him go to find his happiness.

 

These are just a few of the things you could do proactively without his asking. These are some of the things I wish my exWW had done for me.

This helps to know I am on the right track. I have done all of this. HD has complete access to absolutely everything. My phone, tracking in my car. I tell him where I am going and if I make a detour to get coffee or something I call him up and tell him.

No nothing weird sexually. It was once and was nothing that lasted long at all. It was a quicky and I instantly felt sick over it. Told the OM I had to go. Didn't hear from him then he called I told him to never call me again, it was a mistake and lose my number. I blocked him and showed my husband.

IC is every week. Sometimes twice. I went to get STD tested and showed him the results ( we have not had sex after the affair) he won't touch me. We didn't really have sex before because we were so detached. I feel like we have been more honest since this happened then we have been in the last 5 years. Its kind of what gives me hope. I can't go back to the relationship we had but I am 200% committed to making this "new" relationship amazing.... If he gives me that chance.