I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Mr. Lucky]

I am not expecting him to be all better in two months. I am more wondering when it starts to get more clear which direction he is going in because he says one thing then does another.

 

It will probably take years for him to decide what he truly wants to do with the marriage. You don't give the impression you're in it for the long haul...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

He is still asking questions and talking about the affair like he did the first day. I answer everything he asks but I am not sure continuing to ask over and over is doing any good. Like just today he said "I never asked but does he live in an apartment or a house? What does he drive" ? I just don't know if these answers do any good or just cause more pain?? I'm worried the questions will never end and he can never move forward. I am okay with answering anything but it's behinnjng to worry me because he isn't moving forward with his healing.

 

Your husband is processing, by asking where the OM lives, what he drives, he is measuring himself up to him and he needs the facts to do that.

He has been in shock so he will have forgotten a lot of what you told him. The details will have gone in one ear & out the other, as the overwhelming news was the fact you CHEATED and had SEX with another man, nothing else will have mattered or registered.

Now he is assessing his position, are you likely to choose this other man over him? (A man with a big car and a fancy house is going to be a threat to him, a single guy with an apartment and no car not so much...)

Are you likely to continue this affair, maybe not right now but in the future?

Is he safe letting you back in? Will you hurt him again? Are you planning to leave? etc. etc.

 

The woman he knew and trusted is gone, he can't trust a word you now say, so he also needs the facts over and over so he can decide if you are telling the truth or not.

[elaine567]

This is going to take years and as it comes from the base of a "pretty bad" marriage", are you willing to invest all your time and effort into this for years and years to perhaps only get your marriage back to where it was before your affair?

Is the bond with your husband strong enough?

Why was your marriage bad?

Are there things to work on here, or was it a fundamental incompatibility?

Before you run headlong into the reconciliation process, is the marriage actually worth saving?

I know there are kids involved and you feel you need to stay, and you feel horribly guilty for what you did and want to make amends, but you have to consider where this will ultimately lead.

You do not want to be, five years down the line after years of soul crushing remorse and heartache, back in the position of you wanting to go to MC to fix the marriage and your husband refusing to take the time to do it...

 

Is your husband a man who readily forgives and forgets or is he the type who believes "You wronged me, you are now dead to me"?

If the latter, you may find he will stay for the kids, but you will always be "hated" by him, that may be overt contempt or it may be well hidden. That type of man may go through the motions and be around to provide, but will leave as soon as the kids are grown.

Be careful.

[waterwoman]

The thing is I suspect that if there were issues in the marriage prior to your affair, your was as aware of them as you were but just decided to shelve them, shove his head in the same ostrich-like. Men are often not as good at facing emotional problems as women are - generalisation i know. So not only does he have to face the affair and all the issues that raises, but he may also be facing up to those prior problems that can no longer be hidden.

 

It will be confusing and painful. But the good news is that you may end up with a marriage that is more like the one you wanted - if it survives at all. There are no guarantees. Keep doing what you are doing but be patient.

[Wade Lamare]

Maybe this will help. It's tough to understand if you aren't on the receiving end.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Did you check the link that Marc provided?

[Ws2016]

Did you check the link that Marc provided?

 

 

Yes I did! I also read the letter someone posted in the same post. About the puzzle pieces. That really spoke to me.

Thank you all for the great advice!

[road]

I have not been back to volunteer. There is zero contact. He called once after about a month and I made it clear that there would be no more contact and I showed my spouse that I blocked his number.

 

Yes, this is one of my fears. He is still asking questions and talking about the affair like he did the first day. I answer everything he asks but I am not sure continuing to ask over and over is doing any good. Like just today he said "I never asked but does he live in an apartment or a house? What does he drive" ? I just don't know if these answers do any good or just cause more pain?? I'm worried the questions will never end and he can never move forward. I am okay with answering anything but it's behinnjng to worry me because he isn't moving forward with his healing.

 

 

Being that it appears that you have been ask and answered everything

important about the affair it is time to sit down and explain how talking about the affair non stop is prevent the both of you healing from the affair.

 

 

So it is time to slowly back off from the affair talking. No affair talk Fri through Mon. Then include Wed. Leaving just Tue and Thur. Then just Wed.

 

 

Part of healing requires spending time reconnecting and building new good memories.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I absolutely and totally disagree with Road.....

 

There is NO TIME LIMIT on how much you need to discuss your affair....you discuss it as long as he NEEDS to discuss it.

 

You answer every question he asks as honestly as you can...whether it is at midnight on Monday or Sunday afternoon. Days...Weeks.... minutes...hours....

He is in TOTAL and COMPLETE Limbo right now....he is inside of a tornado...and he doesn't have any idea where he will land or if he will survive. Everything he knew...is gone. You are not the woman he thought you were...he doesn't have the marriage he thought he had.

 

It will take all of his power to simply function....he will lose concentration...

He is in a state of PTSD....he has been in a war that he had no idea he was fighting....you have blown up his world....

 

At two months....My husband was on antidepressants...just to help him sleep....

 

You simply have no idea what you have done...remorseful? When you understand what you have done...when you can wrap your head around the devastation you have caused...you might begin to understand remorse.

 

Right now...you are concerned that he is lashing out at you in anger....YOU are still the focus. Poor you...he is hurting your feelings.

 

This is not about you...this is about him

[road]

Well no, I don't understand how long it takes. I've never been through this before so that's why I'm asking. I want to make sure I am doing and saying the right things to help him heal.

 

 

The first 6 months after D day the BS is total turmoil. The BS needs those 6 months for their brain to process how the affair has impacted them.

 

 

This is why BS's are advised to not make any important life decisions because they are not ready to do so.

 

 

It is good that you have not trickle truthed your BH because everytime new facts about the affair come out it is a new D day and resets the recovery clock back to O.

 

 

The months 7 thru 12 is where the BS (not all but a lot) quite often goes into the anger phase. What their WS did is fully comprehended combined with the realization that the WS is not leaving them and the marriage the BS gets the confidence to display their anger towards their WS.

 

 

During this first year the WS must have lived a transparent life allowing the BS to verify that there has been no breaks in NC or withholding any more truth about the affair for the BS to start feeling that work on repairing the broken trust has begun. This is why recovery from an affair takes 2 to 5 years.

[Cephalopod]

Does your husband think the marriage was "bad" before the A?

[road]

I absolutely and totally disagree with Road.....

 

There is NO TIME LIMIT on how much you need to discuss your affair....you discuss it as long as he NEEDS to discuss it.

 

You answer every question he asks as honestly as you can...whether it is at midnight on Monday or Sunday afternoon. Days...Weeks.... minutes...hours....

He is in TOTAL and COMPLETE Limbo right now....he is inside of a tornado...and he doesn't have any idea where he will land or if he will survive. Everything he knew...is gone. You are not the woman he thought you were...he doesn't have the marriage he thought he had.

 

It will take all of his power to simply function....he will lose concentration...

He is in a state of PTSD....he has been in a war that he had no idea he was fighting....you have blown up his world....

 

At two months....My husband was on antidepressants...just to help him sleep....

 

You simply have no idea what you have done...remorseful? When you understand what you have done...when you can wrap your head around the devastation you have caused...you might begin to understand remorse.

 

Right now...you are concerned that he is lashing out at you in anger....YOU are still the focus. Poor you...he is hurting your feelings.

 

This is not about you...this is about him

 

Talking non stop about the affair is picking at the scab. The wound will never heal. Yes the wound needs to be cleaned out. That is done by the WS being honest and telling all the BS wants to know.

 

 

Asking the same questions and getting the same answers helps the BS start to believe that they have gotten the truth. Though once that has happened there is no benefit to keep talking about the affair on a daily basis.

 

 

Wallowing in pain does not allow healing. To recover the marriage the WS and the BS have to build new happy memories being together. That is impossible to do when they are reliving the affair everyday. Talking about the affair is reliving the affair.

 

 

This is why once the BS knows all and feels that they know all rehashing the affair is not beneficial.

 

 

Yes 10, 20, 30 years later the WS or BS may trigger. Best to keep that trigger to themselves. Sharing their moment of pain will only bring pain to their spouse. Unless the trigger causes them to think of something about the affair that was never discussed.

 

 

Recovery is about enjoying each other's company for the rest of their lives. Enjoyment will be greatly reduced when affair talk can not be controlled.

[DKT3]

I absolutely and totally disagree with Road.....

 

There is NO TIME LIMIT on how much you need to discuss your affair....you discuss it as long as he NEEDS to discuss it.

 

You answer every question he asks as honestly as you can...whether it is at midnight on Monday or Sunday afternoon. Days...Weeks.... minutes...hours....

He is in TOTAL and COMPLETE Limbo right now....he is inside of a tornado...and he doesn't have any idea where he will land or if he will survive. Everything he knew...is gone. You are not the woman he thought you were...he doesn't have the marriage he thought he had.

 

It will take all of his power to simply function....he will lose concentration...

He is in a state of PTSD....he has been in a war that he had no idea he was fighting....you have blown up his world....

 

At two months....My husband was on antidepressants...just to help him sleep....

 

You simply have no idea what you have done...remorseful? When you understand what you have done...when you can wrap your head around the devastation you have caused...you might begin to understand remorse.

 

Right now...you are concerned that he is lashing out at you in anger....YOU are still the focus. Poor you...he is hurting your feelings.

 

This is not about you...this is about him

 

I agree 100% with this.

 

I will add you seem to be very impatient with this process, that is a bad sign. I'm leaning towards you throwing in the towel soon.

[JohnAdams]

Certainly as time goes on, affair discussions become less, questions become less reaching a point that almost no question are asked.

 

 

However, there is no time limit for discussions or questions. As long as a BS needs to discuss or ask questions it needs to be addressed.

 

 

An affair is certainly a significant thing in a marriage. Like any significant event, it is going to be discussed from time to time. Will it be the consuming conversation in a few years, no, but, yes it is always on the table to discuss if needed.

[understand50]

I agree 100% with this.

 

I will add you seem to be very impatient with this process, that is a bad sign. I'm leaning towards you throwing in the towel soon.

 

OP,

 

While many think you will fold, now comes the time to dig deep and decide. Decide, that you want to stay in the marriage, and work towards that goal. There is the resources on this thread, and other books that have been suggested. Your marriage is only over, when you or your husband decide it is. By his actions, I think he is leaning on the side of staying, but has a lot of anger, and pain and hurt. That will subside in time. You need to ride out this storm, and work on helping him.

 

This is doable, this will be hard, but it comes down to both of you wanting to reconcile. Until you know what he wants there is hope, do not lose it in yourself. This may be the hardest thing you do in your life, so treat it as such. You are doing many things right, but there is always things that can be done better. Start, by giving us a break for a day and read all the links and books suggested. We will be here to cheer, or chide, as needed. I think time looking at yourself, your marriage and life in general, with a eye on what you need and will be allowed to do, will help you.

 

Remember, others have reconciled, and you may as well, but only, if and when, both of you want to go down this path. We can give give advise from our own experience, and you both can decide if what we did may fit you. If you break up, then you can face that, knowing you tried, and have some dignity.

 

I wish you luck....

[understand50]

Certainly as time goes on, affair discussions become less, questions become less reaching a point that almost no question are asked.

 

 

However, there is no time limit for discussions or questions. As long as a BS needs to discuss or ask questions it needs to be addressed.

 

 

An affair is certainly a significant thing in a marriage. Like any significant event, it is going to be discussed from time to time. Will it be the consuming conversation in a few years, no, but, yes it is always on the table to discuss if needed.

 

 

Yup, so true. Wife and I will disuses from time to time when it Germain to the conversation. Usually around being truthful. In fact, I would state, when you get to the point you can discuss the affair "normally" and with out a great deal of emotion, or a lot less of it, it is a good sign that some healing has taken place.

 

My two cents.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Each of us heals at a different pace...

I work in the funeral industry.. One of my favorite priest tells every family this

 

We all heal at our own pace... No one needs to hear from anyone else.. You should be over this by now...

 

No... We need to give each other the time it takes for that individual to heal.

 

And healing does not mean it doesn't hurt anymore.. We get over a cold... We don't get over a loss... We learn to live with it.

The void of the loss remains forever ... But we learn how to live with the loss of the marriage we once had.

 

Our marriage is better than ever... But it is forever changed. I can never undo what i have done... But I can do my very best to do my very best... Every day.

 

One of the things in the macdonald book that she stresses is to never say

 

Why aren't you over this by now ? Why can't you just get over this?

 

I asked that question for thirty years... Why? Because I still had no concept of the devastation I had truly caused. I was still thinking about myself and not about him like I should have been.

 

Once I realized what I was really saying when I asked those questions... I was able to turn it around to concentrate on his needs instead of my own.

 

When are you going to get over this? He isn't.... Ever

 

Op... When will you truly come to accept this as part of your life... For the rest of your life? you cannot answer this question

 

Because It takes time...

[ladydesigner]

Talking non stop about the affair is picking at the scab. The wound will never heal. Yes the wound needs to be cleaned out. That is done by the WS being honest and telling all the BS wants to know.

 

I have read that it is normal to keep talking about it and it eventually fades because the BS eventually will tire of doing this or will have talked about it until it has been processed the best it can.

 

Some WS's don't want to hear that BS oftentimes NEED to keep talking about it and that may hinder R, but I think that is more on the WS not being able to deal.

 

I know even with my CSA or my rape, your mind will keep replaying the events until you have processed it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Talking non stop about the affair is picking at the scab. The wound will never heal. Yes the wound needs to be cleaned out. That is done by the WS being honest and telling all the BS wants to know.

 

 

Asking the same questions and getting the same answers helps the BS start to believe that they have gotten the truth. Though once that has happened there is no benefit to keep talking about the affair on a daily basis.

 

 

Wallowing in pain does not allow healing. To recover the marriage the WS and the BS have to build new happy memories being together. That is impossible to do when they are reliving the affair everyday. Talking about the affair is reliving the affair.

 

 

This is why once the BS knows all and feels that they know all rehashing the affair is not beneficial.

 

 

Yes 10, 20, 30 years later the WS or BS may trigger. Best to keep that trigger to themselves. Sharing their moment of pain will only bring pain to their spouse. Unless the trigger causes them to think of something about the affair that was never discussed.

 

 

Recovery is about enjoying each other's company for the rest of their lives. Enjoyment will be greatly reduced when affair talk can not be controlled.

 

Sorry... I could not disagree more

 

Perhaps this approach has worked for you... But it goes against every thing I have learned on this journey

 

I have absolutely made my share of mistakes... Partly because i tried to do exactly what you have described.

 

I lived thirty years in the illusion that if we just did not discuss it and build new memories together everything would be fine.. It wasn't.

 

Until we approached it openly, honestly, and extracted all the puss from the wound ... We simply put a bandaid over the would and pretended it was healed.

 

That wound had to be cleaned out and yes it has bleed many times... But now even though we carry the scar ... The wound itself is nice and pink with healthy skin.

 

So while I respect your opinion ... I absolutely think telling a person 2 months after an affair to only discuss it occasionally is the wrong advice.

 

She is free to make the choice that best applies to her situation of course and only time will tell if she made the right decision.

 

But for us... Open communication at any time has provided a tool for healing.

[Ws2016]

Sorry... I could not disagree more

 

Perhaps this approach has worked for you... But it goes against every thing I have learned on this journey

 

I have absolutely made my share of mistakes... Partly because i tried to do exactly what you have described.

 

I lived thirty years in the illusion that if we just did not discuss it and build new memories together everything would be fine.. It wasn't.

 

Until we approached it openly, honestly, and extracted all the puss from the wound ... We simply put a bandaid over the would and pretended it was healed.

 

That wound had to be cleaned out and yes it has bleed many times... But now even though we carry the scar ... The wound itself is nice and pink with healthy skin.

 

So while I respect your opinion ... I absolutely think telling a person 2 months after an affair to only discuss it occasionally is the wrong advice.

 

She is free to make the choice that best applies to her situation of course and only time will tell if she made the right decision.

 

But for us... Open communication at any time has provided a tool for healing.

I'm taking his lead with this. If he needs to talk we talk. I'm not going to tell him when it's enough. He will tell me.

Also, I get the analogy about it being a loss. I lost my mother at a young age. You don't ever get over it but you learn to live with it. He has never suffered a major loss up until now.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm taking his lead with this. If he needs to talk we talk. I'm not going to tell him when it's enough. He will tell me.

Also, I get the analogy about it being a loss. I lost my mother at a young age. You don't ever get over it but you learn to live with it. He has never suffered a major loss up until now.

 

 

Taking his lead is EXACTLY what you should do....he will ask what he wants to know...as many times as he needs to to process it. As long as he feels you respond with honesty and openness...he will begin to relax and trust....as long as you give him complete transparency...he will see that you are attempting to rebuild trust.

 

This loss for him....is greater than the loss of a parent...why? Because he has been totally taken off guard....even if there were marital issues...he never expected this kind of betrayal. You are the one person that he believed had his back ...and instead...you are the person who stabbed him squarely in it and twisted the knife. The person he trusted the most...has betrayed him in the worst way possible. You threw him under the bus and then drove it over him.

[MuddyFootprints]

In my experience, my spouse did not ask an infidelity related question if he didn't already know the answer. The repeated questions could indicate that he is not satisfied with your answers.

 

We still talk about it. Mostly, it's me who initiates the conversation. We are 3-4? years out. Time moves so slowly and yet so quickly.

[drifter777]

I'm taking his lead with this. If he needs to talk we talk. I'm not going to tell him when it's enough. He will tell me.

Also, I get the analogy about it being a loss. I lost my mother at a young age. You don't ever get over it but you learn to live with it. He has never suffered a major loss up until now.

 

I believe you are truly trying to repair the damage you caused and fix your relationship. You are getting good advice from lots of people and I would suggest that you re-read some of the threads that you are now ignoring as "that's not my situation" because it is likely to become your situation before this is all over.

 

Right now you don't really have any idea the depth of pain your betrayal has had on your husband. You have sympathy that you hurt him so badly and wish you could take it back and make it all go away, but you have no empathy. Maybe empathy is something that is developed over time - I don't know - but what I do know is you don't have any right now. Start by reading the definition of it and understanding how different it is from sympathy. Then try - really try to understand and FEEL the pain and torment his soul is going through right now. With practice I think you will begin to understand.

 

Mrs. John Adams is right on with this empathy thing and I think she'd agree that it is a difficult concept to really understand. But she cared enough to keep trying and had a true epiphany when she finally got it. It helped her and her husband finally begin to truly heal after decades of trying. You might not get a chance to have this "epiphany" before your husband divorces you which is why I would urge you to at least understand what it means.

 

Doing "all the right things" but not truly understanding the psychological damage you have done makes reconciliation very, very difficult. It's like you are following a script and acting out the part of a remorseful WW. You are not alone when it comes to this because women will never truly understand what a man goes through when his wife cheats just as I will never understand what a BW goes through when her husband cheats. The WS follows the cheaters handbook because they want to reconcile but often times they never get it and their BS finally gives up on the marriage. Try to "get it" but until that day comes make sure your husband know that at least you understand that you, as a woman, will never really know how he feels inside. I think that kind of honesty will help him get through all of this however it ends.

Edited September 8, 2016 by drifter777

[dichotomy]

Not to focus on one issue - but it appears the sexual part was short lived with OM and it appears your shared all details?.

 

Sex for some guys gets into some very difficult acceptances, did you do things for him you have not for me, was he better/bigger, did you use protection, etc... the mind movies are difficult for guys. Its hard to understand that even after one year - or 5 years later - or 10 your husband could be sitting next to you in the living room watching TV - and in his head he is seeing You and OM going at it.

 

I know because this last weekend after 11 years - I was doing just that when something stupid came on TV. My wife was stupid and laughed at the story and I got up and left the room. She will never fully understand.

 

Its a tough road.

 

I would not say your marriage will be stronger or better - but it will be different and could be acceptable to you both later on.

[Mr Blunt]

By Mrs John Adams

You simply have no idea what you have done...remorseful? When you understand what you have done...when you can wrap your head around the devastation you have caused...you might begin to understand remorse.

Right now...you are concerned that he is lashing out at you in anger....YOU are still the focus. Poor you...he is hurting your feelings.

This is not about you...this is about him

 

 

 

 

Mrs. JA is right on target!!!

 

Ws2016, Mrs. JA may seem like she is rough on you but she is giving you the guidance that will help you save your marriage. Do not run away from rough talk because you have chosen to put yourself in the world of rough. You doing your part in trying to save your marriage is going to be rough for quite a while and no matter which path you ultimately decide to take your life is going to be rough for years. You might as well decide to face the roughness that will lead you to improvement rather than cop out.

 

 

 

I noticed that you did answer Mrs. JA and that tells me that you are brave. You are brave because you are still reading this thread so stay brave. I want to encourage you again to get the right help and you take the right actions so that you can get stronger because it is going to take a lot of strength to do what these posters have advised you to do. The posters have given you very good advice.

 

As of right now you are thinking like a lot of WSs think. You are desperately trying to put the relationship back together but have yet to get to the point that “This is not about you...this is about him”. You are also much wounded and need to get more strength internally so that you can do the rough things that have been suggested. Hopefully your husband will eventually get to the point that he is not so consumed with your betrayal and can help you in the future. Do not expect him to be a lot of help to you right now as this situation is in the hands of you, others, and your God; and mostly YOU!

 

From what you have written so far you seem like a brave, decent, and valuable woman that has done very serious damage to your marriage. With BOTH of you doing the very tough and right actions, your marriage can be saved IMO

[elaine567]

Not to focus on one issue - but it appears the sexual part was short lived with OM and it appears your shared all details?.

 

Sex for some guys gets into some very difficult acceptances, did you do things for him you have not for me, was he better/bigger, did you use protection, etc... the mind movies are difficult for guys. Its hard to understand that even after one year - or 5 years later - or 10 your husband could be sitting next to you in the living room watching TV - and in his head he is seeing You and OM going at it.

 

 

I don't think it is any different for women, the thought of a husband

going at it with another woman is no less upsetting and the triggers will be similar.