I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[understand50]

I don't think it is any different for women, the thought of a husband

going at it with another woman is no less upsetting and the triggers will be similar.

 

Very true.....

[Jersey born raised]

This thread is among the best, most open and insightful threads I've read anywhere.

 

Possible insights into your husband. First putting work before marriage. In his mind THERE IS NO MARRIAGE IF HE DOES NOT EARN ENOUGH TO PROVIDE. If he cannot you will leave and take his children. That simple. That job in his view is the single most important virtue (yes virtue) he brings into the marriage. The weight is crushing.

 

While you may dispute this remenber two things: Frist right now it his his reality that counts, not yours. Work within his reality for now. Second loss of job by a man always causes a huge strain in a marriage, often leading to divorce.

 

To balance out my comment about working within his reality read this link (it is the other side of the coin of the link Marc gave you) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation. It is by understand50 and will give you additional insights into his posts.

 

From my POV the biggest mistake MC make is putting issues before adultery. Yes the issues need working on, but the adultery has created a more urgent issue that blocks a rational discussion of the issues. The hardest thing a BS faces is not to view issues as excusses and justification. You know this, but it will take time for him not to hear justification and excuses.

 

It would help both of you to read the 5lovelanguages Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.. This link will give you great insight into the concepts without buying their books.

 

Be well, hanging tough is part of the heavy lifting.

[Mrs. John Adams]

WS....I am sticking with you because I have hope for you. As long as I hear that you are listening and you do not become a know it all...I will do my best to advise you on how to NOT MAKE THE MISTAKES I MADE.

 

You see...I thought I was doing everything right....I became transparent...we went to counseling....I was supportive. I was the perfect wife before my affair...I was the perfect wife after my affair. But I did not have the advantages you have. There was no internet....there were no cell phones...and it was a subject people hid from others.

 

The only person I could talk to was my mom...and thank God for her wisdom.

 

Right now you both feel like your world has come crashing down...and you are trying to put it back together. Infidelity doesn't care who it destroys....you...him...your family....

 

I know that you too feel pain and devastation...you are frightened beyond words....you don't know what tomorrow holds for you and your future lies with a person who despises you right now. You have to TRUST...that he will decide to allow you to stay in the relationship....but he may very well decide to kick you to the curb. That is scary stuff....you want to depend on him...but you know very well that he could become your enemy.

 

And while all these thoughts are going through your mind...you also know that you have no one to blame but you...so you also hate yourself....and you are disappointed that you could possibly become this monster. You are confused and suffer your own form of devastation.

 

Now...compound this with the knowledge that you have to be the one to make things right....and you have to ask this same person you destroyed to give you another chance....knowing that you would not blame him one bit if he kicked you out.

 

Oh the webs we weave.....

 

So please know that my heart breaks for you...because you are reeling with so many emotions.....but in all this emotion you feel....you cannot fathom what you have done to your husband....I know...because I have watched the face of my husband for 33 years...I have seen the pain in his eyes when he triggers...I have heard the anger in his voice...I watch his shoulders slump under the weight of what i have done to him.

 

Stay strong....and be patient....and loving...and kind....and supportive....

This path you have chosen is a difficult one to travel...but you can make it together...I know....I have been walking it for a very long time. I have only one regret in my life...one thing I would undo....and that is the choice i made to cheat.

 

I have lived a good life....and I am a very lucky woman because my husband gave me the gift of a second chance.

 

I pray your husband is as kind as mine has been.

[dichotomy]

I don't think it is any different for women, the thought of a husband

going at it with another woman is no less upsetting and the triggers will be similar.

 

 

 

I know the thought/mind movie "hurts" the same but is it really the exact same kind of hurts ?

 

 

Stereotypically the men get stuck on the specific sexual acts performed by (or allowed) by a cheating wife and the level of pleasure derived (example WW has multiple O's with OM). Many stories told here on loveshack of married women seeking/giving sexually in ways they refused or stopped for their husband. ...example "You let him have anal with you ? you swallowed his ? you never do that for me and I begged you!"

 

 

But perhaps this is digressing a bit - just trying to help OP understand what men can get specifically fixated on sometimes in healing after their wife cheats. Sexually some men need to feel we are THE guy...if you understand what I mean. Which is why some cheating wives know to minimize the sex part of the what happened.

 

Maybe every one has pain over the mind movies - their just different styles/shots within the movies.

Edited September 8, 2016 by dichotomy

[Whoknew30]

I know the thought/mind movie "hurts" the same but is it really the exact same kind of hurts ?

 

 

Stereotypically the men get stuck on the specific sexual acts performed by (or allowed) by a cheating wife and the level of pleasure derived (example WW has multiple O's with OM). Many stories told here on loveshack of married women seeking/giving sexually in ways they refused or stopped for their husband. ...example "You let him have anal with you ? you swallowed his ? you never do that for me and I begged you!"

 

 

But perhaps this is digressing a bit - just trying to help OP understand what men can get specifically fixated on sometimes in healing after their wife cheats. Sexually some men need to feel we are THE guy...if you understand what I mean. Which is why some cheating wives know to minimize the sex part of the what happened.

 

 

Maybe it is exactly the same things for women with cheating husbands.

 

I agree with you...there's always exception to the rules but I think men tend to focus on the actual "sex" part of the A & women more the emotional. Maybe it'd be different if the OW was more physically attractive then the BW...that may change it for a woman.

 

My H & I focused on different things, my first question on his DDAY was if he loved his OW & his was "tell me "exactly" what you mean by sex"...completely different responses.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know the thought/mind movie "hurts" the same but is it really the exact same kind of hurts ?

 

 

Stereotypically the men get stuck on the specific sexual acts performed by (or allowed) by a cheating wife and the level of pleasure derived (example WW has multiple O's with OM). Many stories told here on loveshack of married women seeking/giving sexually in ways they refused or stopped for their husband. ...example "You let him have anal with you ? you swallowed his ? you never do that for me and I begged you!"

 

 

But perhaps this is digressing a bit - just trying to help OP understand what men can get specifically fixated on sometimes in healing after their wife cheats. Sexually some men need to feel we are THE guy...if you understand what I mean. Which is why some cheating wives know to minimize the sex part of the what happened.

 

Maybe every one has pain over the mind movies - their just different styles/shots within the movies.

 

Honestly...it is impossible to measure one persons pain over another persons pain...because we all process differently.

 

Childbirth is childbirth...right? no...and i cannot possibly know how another woman's childbirth felt...they may be similar...but they are different.

 

Some men do not want to know details...some men do....and each will process that information differently.

 

I do understand the point you are trying to make...but the idea that MEN hurt worse than WOMEN...or WOMEN hurt worse than MEN...really cannot be measured.

 

Let's just agree that infidelity hurts....

[Ws2016]

WS....I am sticking with you because I have hope for you. As long as I hear that you are listening and you do not become a know it all...I will do my best to advise you on how to NOT MAKE THE MISTAKES I MADE.

 

You see...I thought I was doing everything right....I became transparent...we went to counseling....I was supportive. I was the perfect wife before my affair...I was the perfect wife after my affair. But I did not have the advantages you have. There was no internet....there were no cell phones...and it was a subject people hid from others.

 

The only person I could talk to was my mom...and thank God for her wisdom.

 

Right now you both feel like your world has come crashing down...and you are trying to put it back together. Infidelity doesn't care who it destroys....you...him...your family....

 

I know that you too feel pain and devastation...you are frightened beyond words....you don't know what tomorrow holds for you and your future lies with a person who despises you right now. You have to TRUST...that he will decide to allow you to stay in the relationship....but he may very well decide to kick you to the curb. That is scary stuff....you want to depend on him...but you know very well that he could become your enemy.

 

And while all these thoughts are going through your mind...you also know that you have no one to blame but you...so you also hate yourself....and you are disappointed that you could possibly become this monster. You are confused and suffer your own form of devastation.

 

Now...compound this with the knowledge that you have to be the one to make things right....and you have to ask this same person you destroyed to give you another chance....knowing that you would not blame him one bit if he kicked you out.

 

Oh the webs we weave.....

 

So please know that my heart breaks for you...because you are reeling with so many emotions.....but in all this emotion you feel....you cannot fathom what you have done to your husband....I know...because I have watched the face of my husband for 33 years...I have seen the pain in his eyes when he triggers...I have heard the anger in his voice...I watch his shoulders slump under the weight of what i have done to him.

 

Stay strong....and be patient....and loving...and kind....and supportive....

This path you have chosen is a difficult one to travel...but you can make it together...I know....I have been walking it for a very long time. I have only one regret in my life...one thing I would undo....and that is the choice i made to cheat.

 

I have lived a good life....and I am a very lucky woman because my husband gave me the gift of a second chance.

 

I pray your husband is as kind as mine has been.

I am taking in everything you are telling me! I appreciate all you are saying and I am listening!

[Mrs. John Adams]

WS...how are you? Can you give us some feedback please?

 

Tell us where your mind is.

[Ws2016]

WS...how are you? Can you give us some feedback please?

 

Tell us where your mind is.

 

 

I just feel ashamed. I don't know what even came over me. I acted in pure resentment. I told H that we needed therapy and he didn't want to put in the effort so I felt like he didn't care and felt rejected so when this other man gave me that attention I wanted my H to give me I rationalized it that way.

Unfortunately it took the look in my H's eyes and seeing how hurt he was for me to realize he did in fact love me and I hurt this man so deeply. It took something so destructive for us both to realize those other things were soooo fixable! We just didn't put in the effort.

I am not a person who does something and can't apologize. I can admit when I'm wrong and I was 100% wrong. I am working through my feeling of feeling guilty, cheap, dirty, remorseful but I have to out those aside and focus on him because I am realizing just how much damage I caused. Everyday I see it more and more and I really wouldn't blame him for leaving me. I am trying. I will keep doing as much as I can.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I just feel ashamed. I don't know what even came over me. I acted in pure resentment. I told H that we needed therapy and he didn't want to put in the effort so I felt like he didn't care and felt rejected so when this other man gave me that attention I wanted my H to give me I rationalized it that way.

Unfortunately it took the look in my H's eyes and seeing how hurt he was for me to realize he did in fact love me and I hurt this man so deeply. It took something so destructive for us both to realize those other things were soooo fixable! We just didn't put in the effort.

I am not a person who does something and can't apologize. I can admit when I'm wrong and I was 100% wrong. I am working through my feeling of feeling guilty, cheap, dirty, remorseful but I have to out those aside and focus on him because I am realizing just how much damage I caused. Everyday I see it more and more and I really wouldn't blame him for leaving me. I am trying. I will keep doing as much as I can.

 

You can only do the best you can do....and honestly at this point...he holds the cards. You do realize he may decide to divorce right?

 

I would suggest to you that you contact a lawyer...and get all of your ducks in a row just in case he does decide he does not want to reconcile. Information is always good to have. I am not saying to pursue anything...I am saying have a plan just in case.

 

I certainly think you have regret...and you are sorry....and i think he knows that. But it might not be enough.....that's the reality of infidelity. Some people just simply cannot reconcile...no matter how badly the other person wants it.

 

How often are you going to therapy? Is there any one else you are able to confide in? Do you have support from family or friends?

[Ws2016]

You can only do the best you can do....and honestly at this point...he holds the cards. You do realize he may decide to divorce right?

 

I would suggest to you that you contact a lawyer...and get all of your ducks in a row just in case he does decide he does not want to reconcile. Information is always good to have. I am not saying to pursue anything...I am saying have a plan just in case.

 

I certainly think you have regret...and you are sorry....and i think he knows that. But it might not be enough.....that's the reality of infidelity. Some people just simply cannot reconcile...no matter how badly the other person wants it.

 

How often are you going to therapy? Is there any one else you are able to confide in? Do you have support from family or friends?

 

I absolutely do know he could decide to divorce me. In fact, we have talked s out that possibility in length. I have talked to a lawyer and so has he. I am trying to get back on my feet since I have been a stay at home mom for 12 years and he has all the financial power. I really screwed up.

 

Oh yes I go to therapy at least once a week. I have a very good friend here and my sisters. I do have support. He doesn't have as much. He is not happy about that either.

Edited September 8, 2016 by Ws2016

[Wade Lamare]

Ws, you haven't as yet answered the question of your affair partners marital status. Is he married or in a relationship?

 

You mention that this occurred at a place where you volunteered, perhaps some kind of charitable organisation or other?

 

Do you think this is his first rodeo? Some of these guys (and women) have a lovely little sideline in attending these types of social gatherings and plucking the low hanging fruit.

 

All it takes is that initial "where's your hubby?"

 

You, "Oh he's home, he never seems to have time for these sort of things."

 

OM "Oh that's a shame, I think it is very important to attend these kind of things."

 

They normally stop short of directly criticising your hubby at first. Whatever you feel your hubby is lacking in they will always be excelling in.

 

Sooner or later you get the "I can't believe he lets a beautiful woman like you out alone." (or similar)

 

Just then is when you can see him set the hook and start to play his fish!

[Cephalopod]

post omitted

[Ws2016]

Ws, you haven't as yet answered the question of your affair partners marital status. Is he married or in a relationship?

 

You mention that this occurred at a place where you volunteered, perhaps some kind of charitable organisation or other?

 

Do you think this is his first rodeo? Some of these guys (and women) have a lovely little sideline in attending these types of social gatherings and plucking the low hanging fruit.

 

All it takes is that initial "where's your hubby?"

 

You, "Oh he's home, he never seems to have time for these sort of things."

 

OM "Oh that's a shame, I think it is very important to attend these kind of things."

 

They normally stop short of directly criticising your hubby at first. Whatever you feel your hubby is lacking in they will always be excelling in.

 

Sooner or later you get the "I can't believe he lets a beautiful woman like you out alone." (or similar)

 

Just then is when you can see him set the hook and start to play his fish!

Yes he is married. H does not want to contact his wife. He feels it will just cause more issues and he wants him out of our lives. I told him whatever he wants to do. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. I am sure this is not his first time and I am sure it won't be his last.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I absolutely do know he could decide to divorce me. In fact, we have talked s out that possibility in length. I have talked to a lawyer and so has he. I am trying to get back on my feet since I have been a stay at home mom for 12 years and he has all the financial power. I really screwed up.

 

Oh yes I go to therapy at least once a week. I have a very good friend here and my sisters. I do have support. He doesn't have as much. He is not happy about that either.

 

Good...I am glad you both have talked to a lawyer...now you both know where you stand legally and how to proceed should you need to.

 

I am also glad you have family to support you....

 

My husband actually turned to my mother....he knew that she loved and supported me but that she also knew I was in the wrong.

 

I hope your husband finds someone to support him...besides a therapist.

 

I also want to share with you that 2 years after my affair my husband had a revenge affair...it happens....so think about how you might react to that. There are several people here who have also had revenge affairs....betrayed spouses can and sometimes do become wayward spouses themselves....

 

The effects of infidelity are devastating and destructive....and permanent.

[dichotomy]

Honestly...it is impossible to measure one persons pain over another persons pain...because we all process differently.

 

Childbirth is childbirth...right? no...and i cannot possibly know how another woman's childbirth felt...they may be similar...but they are different.

 

Some men do not want to know details...some men do....and each will process that information differently.

 

I do understand the point you are trying to make...but the idea that MEN hurt worse than WOMEN...or WOMEN hurt worse than MEN...really cannot be measured.

 

Let's just agree that infidelity hurts....

 

Of course I did not mean worse - it hurts - just for different reasons sometimes.

 

So YES I agree with you here.

[Fugu]

what do you do when you regret an affair, came clean, answering every question, giving spouse access to phone, emails ect, letting him track me on my car, telling him every detail, going to therapy (sometimes twice a week) really showing how I know I screwed up and I take full responsibility ect.. But it's not enough? He says he doesn't see how we can ever work it out and he doesn't really want to but he hasn't left, he asks me questions and wants to talk to me about it all the time, he has been extremely verbally abusive and says I just need to take it for what I did. I am truly TRULY remorseful for my actions, I call it what it was.... A downright deceitful betrayal. No matter how bad our marriage was (and it was pretty bad but nothing abusive) there was no excuse for my actions. I see this! But I'm not sure what to do at this point? It's only been 2 months but even when I tell him the truth he says he doesn't believe me and never will but I keep trying. I don't kmow what to do.

 

1. Be patient. Really, 2 months post-disclosure is not a lot of time. It takes months and even over a year to truly recover from the pain of knowing that someone they loved and admired betrayed their trust. I'm not piling on, but that's just the nature of the human animal.

 

2. Be understanding. Understand that there will be bad days, and times when he doubts his own feelings and whether it's worth pursuing. Understand that when you decided to stray, you created a psychological imbalance in the relationship. You created emotional asymmetry. He feels that the relationship is tilted in your favor. You moved on to another lover and he had no input in that decision. He had no control. He feels extremely vulnerable You MUST understand that.

 

Every bad day he has, every time he is in a *****ty mood and trying to work with his emotions and trust, it is his way of trying to correct that lack of balance. Some people go so far as to get even by having a revenge affair, which is not at all the right way to handle it, but people do it for that reason. You MUST understand that he has to find a way to feel even without getting even, if that makes sense.

 

3. Communicate. I think listening is more important than expressing yourself. You don't have to take unnecessary crap from him -- what is fair and what is right in a relationship after an affair is the same as it was before the affair, and that applies for both people. But you have to find ways to communicate in a mature way that allows him to get his issues on the table, and you need to get your laundry some air as well. Again, before the affair and air, the same rules apply: communicate without attacking. Sometimes people have to say things to each other that aren't always pleasant to hear, but they need to be said.

 

4. Seriously consider getting an objective third party expert to help you two work through this (i.e. a marriage counselor). Do your homework. Check references. Get a QUALITY counselor. A bad one is worse than not getting one at all. I think a good counselor is one that doesn't take sides but holds people -- both people -- accountable. Before you pay for repeat counseling, find out what his or her approach is.

 

5. Obviously, don't cheat or get caught in any type of lies again - ever. You should be grateful you're getting a second chance.

 

Good luck with everything.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Of course I did not mean worse - it hurts - just for different reasons sometimes.

 

So YES I agree with you here.

 

absolutely....each of us is different...and a detail that might be a deal breaker for me...may not be a big deal to you at all or vice versa.

 

Some people cannot even begin to consider reconciliation....and some people do not even consider divorce no matter how bad the details are.

[Try]

He says he doesn't see how we can ever work it out and he doesn't really want to but he hasn't left, he asks me questions and wants to talk to me about it all the time, he has been extremely verbally abusive and says I just need to take it for what I did. I am truly TRULY remorseful for my actions, I call it what it was.... A downright deceitful betrayal. No matter how bad our marriage was (and it was pretty bad but nothing abusive)

You state that prior to you cheating he did "nothing abusive". You also state that "He says he doesn't see how we can ever work it out and he doesn't really want to but he hasn't left". It seems that as hurt by your cheating, that he is trying to find a way to stay. This post-cheating abusive language is him trying to even the score and keep his dignity without leaving you. You can follow the advice of some and tell him that you will not tolerate him using abusive language just because you cheated on him, but if you want him to stay you better have another dignity saving option to offer him instead.

 

But I'm not sure what to do at this point? It's only been 2 months but even when I tell him the truth he says he doesn't believe me and never will but I keep trying. I don't kmow what to do.

Wow, you cheated on him and after just 2 months of telling him that you are sorry, you expect him to rug sweep, get over it, and move on as if nothing happened? You really do not get the real hurt that you have inflict on him do you? Many cheated on spouses never get over it and end up divorcing their spouse. Those that so stay in the marriage, take years to learn to deal with the hurt and betrayal.

 

Bottom line. If a few hurtful words are too much for you, and a couple of months of saying that you are sorry are all that you are willing to give, you should just let him file for divorce and move on already, because your husband's normal need for self respect and hurt feelings are not going to make that possible.

[Wade Lamare]

Yes he is married. H does not want to contact his wife. He feels it will just cause more issues and he wants him out of our lives. I told him whatever he wants to do. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. I am sure this is not his first time and I am sure it won't be his last.

 

Would you then be supportive of your husband if he changed his mind in the future?

 

He may not want to do anything about it now but you sometimes see a delayed feeling of injustice in these things, and he may want to do something about it later on. There can be a feeling weeks or months down the line that your marriage is going through absolute turmoil, and let's face it you are both suffering, and yet OM is strolling away laughing at getting one over your hubby and goes home to play happy families.

 

If you do feel it is a bad idea at the time (if it comes up as a possibility) you will have to be careful how you express that to your husband as any attempt to portray it as a bad idea could be interpreted as you protecting OM.

[DKT3]

Affairs=abuse...while I don't think it's acceptable to verbally abuse anyone, it's ironic that an abuser would call foul on abuse that is a direct result of their abuse

[Mrs. John Adams]

Affairs=abuse...while I don't think it's acceptable to verbally abuse anyone, it's ironic that an abuser would call foul on abuse that is a direct result of their abuse

 

She is only two months out....and has a lot of lessons to learn. She claims remorse...but she has absolutely no idea at this point. All she knows right now is that her world is spinning out of control....she's frightened...and he is lashing out.

 

We will see what she is made of as time passes...

[DKT3]

She is only two months out....and has a lot of lessons to learn. She claims remorse...but she has absolutely no idea at this point. All she knows right now is that her world is spinning out of control....she's frightened...and he is lashing out.

 

We will see what she is made of as time passes...

 

It was not directed at Ws2016, she seems to understand his pain, it's others that keep banging her over the head with it.

[Whoknew30]

Affairs=abuse...while I don't think it's acceptable to verbally abuse anyone, it's ironic that an abuser would call foul on abuse that is a direct result of their abuse

 

One wrong action will never justify another...in any situation, ever.

 

Saying one can't help being abusive bc they got cheated on is no different than someone saying, my relationship sucked so my cheating was ok...absolutely no difference.

[Ws2016]

I think it depends.

 

I think an initial outburst of pain, grief and anger is to be expected. And yes, pull up your big girl/boy pants because you are likely to get it from both barrels with lots of hurtful, angry, expletive deleted words.

 

But if this goes on for days and weeks with no let up then yes, it is abusive.

 

I'm assuming that Ws is talking about a lot more than giving her the time of day followed by an expletive.

 

 

It was every minute of the day for over 3 weeks. I had to leave the state with my kids. It was very very bad but he did realize what he was doing and stopped. I am not playing victim. I am a very strong person and u can handle A LOT. But I was scared. I think seeing me afraid of him made him snap out of it. Now I still get a lot of grieve and that is to be expected but it was to the point I was going to break down and that wouldn't have been good for out kids as I am their primary care taker. It's much better now. Now we can concentrate on getting him healed and the other stuff is forgiven.