Husband is away on business, and I am lonely.

[ChickiePops]

She specifically ASKED 'how do ordinary people cope with truths like this'? I answered her.

 

I agree that a few people have been quite harsh on her, but many of us are actually trying to help. People who suffer from anxiety are still people and can still follow logic. FWIW, I suffer from anxiety myself.

 

In my view, by coddling her and lashing out at anyone who offers any advice except for "You are totally fine, carry on!", you are doing her more harm than good.

 

Exactly! I took care of my mom alone for 7 years. I know how hard it is and how dependent she became on me. Not being able to care for herself or deal with hardships, whether they're small like credit card issues, or big like losing someone, is not going to help her in the long run.

[Els]

I'm lashing out because I don't think shaming the OP is helpful.

 

Normally I agree with a tough love approach but being insensitive to someone in a dire situation solves nothing.

 

RB is smart enough to know that she is unwell and that doesn't need to be reinforced. She's clearly made amazing strides but many who have posted in this thread have not focused on that.

 

I agree that there is still much work to be done though. I just choose to word that differently because I understand the effects of mental illness coexisting with physical challenges. Not everyone gets that though.

 

I don't think anyone on this page of the thread (or the last two pages) is shaming her.

[BettyDraper]

Because she has no back up plan. Her husband is still relatively young and taking on a seriously ill wife is a big deal. Not to mention the fact that he preyed on a 15 year old child. No matter how prettily the OP wants to put it, that is straight up pedophilia..and who's to say he won't leave her for a younger model? Life is not a Disney movie and she is not a princess..she has no more idea what's going to happen than anyone here does.

 

She has admitted that she will crumble if he leaves. It's not smart of either the OP or her parents to not prepare for this. They also need to prepare her for what will happen when her parents aren't around anymore. Someone with health issues this severe needs to have a contingency plan in place.

 

She needs to be her own person so that she knows how to survive without the circle of protection if she needs to.

 

I see. Having a backup plan is important. I wouldn't be comfortable with staying home if I didn't have an education, years of experience living alone, my own bank account as well as savings and investments in my name. A man is not a financial plan. I just don't know how realistic it is to expect the OP to develop an action plan if she can barely cope with matters that most people can handle. Do we know for sure that her parents don't have a plan in place? I'm not sure if I missed that.

 

As for leaving RB for a younger model, no wife is immune to that happening to her. Even the most successful and independent wives are traded in when their husbands have midlife crises. For that reason, I don't think that's a strong argument against the relationship.

 

The OP's husband is an ephebophile rather than a pedophile. I'm not going to pretend that isn't creepy. However, if there was no sexual contact before the age of consent and RB's parents agreed to her relationship, then a crime was not committed despite the moral implications.

[BettyDraper]

I don't think anyone on this page of the thread (or the last two pages) is shaming her.

 

I was speaking of the entire thread.

 

Look, I agree that this level of dependence and naivete is frightening in a grown adult. I just can't see how RB can move past her issues because they seem very serious. Maybe she can because she has made great strides already. Time will tell.

 

I strongly believe that RB probably needs far more help than LS can give her.

[Aniela]

I was speaking of the entire thread.

 

Look, I agree that this level of dependence and naivete is frightening in a grown adult. I just can't see how RB can move past her issues because they seem very serious. Maybe she can because she has made great strides already. Time will tell.

 

I strongly believe that RB probably needs far more help than LS can give her.

 

I can understand that. Maybe I'm projecting too much, but I would hate to see her struggling with things much later, as I am now. I have been taken care of, as well, and it's so easy to just let that happen, when you have people there who are ready and willing to catch you. But what happens when they're no longer there?

 

Hopefully, dealing with things like this debit card fraud, will leave RB feeling a bit stronger and more capable. Just as dependency can creep up on you, so can independence. I'm not there (yet, at least), and it scares me, but I'm more capable than I was ten years ago - in ways.

[ChickiePops]

I see. Having a backup plan is important. I wouldn't be comfortable with staying home if I didn't have an education, years of experience living alone, my own bank account as well as savings and investments in my name. A man is not a financial plan. I just don't know how realistic it is to expect the OP to develop an action plan if she can barely cope with matters that most people can handle. Do we know for sure that her parents don't have a plan in place? I'm not sure if I missed that.

 

As for leaving RB for a younger model, no wife is immune to that happening to her. Even the most successful and independent wives are traded in when their husbands have midlife crises. For that reason, I don't think that's a strong argument against the relationship.

 

The OP's husband is an ephebophile rather than a pedophile. I'm not going to pretend that isn't creepy. However, if there was no sexual contact before the age of consent and RB's parents agreed to her relationship, then a crime was not committed despite the moral implications.

 

I've asked a couple of times if there's a back up plan..the OP hasn't answered.

 

No matter what, the OP has clearly been very protected for her entire life. She desperately needs to develop some coping skills. She fell apart when her husband went on a business trip for a few days. She fell apart when her Amazon account was hacked. She fell apart in public when her mother said her elderly cat might not make it. What's she going to do if he does leave her? What's she going to do when it's not a cat but a parent who's sick? Being overprotected is not a blessing, it's a curse.

 

She needs a good, healthy dose of reality.

 

RB, don't ask your husband or your parents for permission, just start doing things for yourself. It'll make such a huge difference in your life. You're neither stupid not helpless.

[ChickiePops]

I was speaking of the entire thread.

 

Look, I agree that this level of dependence and naivete is frightening in a grown adult. I just can't see how RB can move past her issues because they seem very serious. Maybe she can because she has made great strides already. Time will tell.

 

I strongly believe that RB probably needs far more help than LS can give her.

 

I definitely agree that she needs more help than LA can give her, and I hope she gets it.

[RomanticBride]

As to a backup plan, well...

 

My family has grown in size and in complexity over the last year. Partially due to my getting married, and partially due to the recent death of my grandmother, my mother has invited her best friend from decades back to live in my old room. My mother's friend, "Linda" has in turn invited her son, "Charles" to live with her, so now both Linda and Charles are living more or less indefinitely with my parents. If my husband were to die or leave me anytime in the foreseeable future, I would likely move immediately back in with my parents, presuming they are still alive. If not, I'd probably move back into the same house, but live with Linda and Charles. I'd likely have to get a part-time job and/or stop going to school (if I hadn't finished my degree) to help make ends meet as it's a large house and L. and C. probably can't afford to pay for it if my parents are no longer living and for any reason haven't paid off the house in its entirety.

 

In short, I'd move back home and get a job, at least unless and until I'm able to marry again.

 

Of course, all that presumes I would even have the will to live after that, but I won't delve too far into that because it's dark.

 

When I have asked my parents what I would do in such an event, they've said, "Welllll... you'll move back home, I suppose. Why? Have you done something? Why do you think he's going to leave you?" The last time I came close to actually being in such a situation, I had a month-long EA with an abusive man who basically coerced me into telling my husband I wanted a separation. He had me convinced that horrible things would happen if I didn't just go with it. That I'd be homeless and penniless and probably forced into prostitution if I didn't leave my husband, because if I dared tell anyone what was going on, they'd all disown me. I was close to killing myself when I finally told my mother. She took me to hospital and that's why I spent a week inpatient that one time in 2014.

 

When I've asked my therapist, she has said it does me no good to ask about what-ifs because she's pretty sure he's a great man who loves me very much and feeding my paranoia and fear of abandonment will do nothing for my nerves.

 

When I've asked my husband, he said he WON'T leave me, ever, and the chance of him spontaneously dropping dead in the near future is slim to none, so I should try to think about something less traumatizing.

Edited September 1, 2016 by RomanticBride

[BettyDraper]

I've asked a couple of times if there's a back up plan..the OP hasn't answered.

 

No matter what, the OP has clearly been very protected for her entire life. She desperately needs to develop some coping skills. She fell apart when her husband went on a business trip for a few days. She fell apart when her Amazon account was hacked. She fell apart in public when her mother said her elderly cat might not make it. What's she going to do if he does leave her? What's she going to do when it's not a cat but a parent who's sick? Being overprotected is not a blessing, it's a curse.

 

She needs a good, healthy dose of reality.

 

RB, don't ask your husband or your parents for permission, just start doing things for yourself. It'll make such a huge difference in your life. You're neither stupid not helpless.

 

Normally I would agree that overprotection does more harm than good.

I just wonder if the level of overprotection that RB has received has been completely necessary given her conditions.

 

It would be great if RB could start taking more steps towards independence. I'm not sure she is able or ready to do so though.

[Els]

When I have asked my parents what I would do in such an event, they've said, "Welllll... you'll move back home, I suppose. Why? Have you done something? Why do you think he's going to leave you?" The last time I came close to actually being in such a situation, I had a month-long EA with an abusive man who basically coerced me into telling my husband I wanted a separation. He had me convinced that horrible things would happen if I didn't just go with it. That I'd be homeless and penniless and probably forced into prostitution if I didn't leave my husband, because if I dared tell anyone what was going on, they'd all disown me. I was close to killing myself when I finally told my mother. She took me to hospital and that's why I spent a week inpatient that one time in 2014.

 

When I've asked my therapist, she has said it does me no good to ask about what-ifs because she's pretty sure he's a great man who loves me very much and feeding my paranoia and fear of abandonment will do nothing for my nerves.

 

When I've asked my husband, he said he WON'T leave me, ever, and the chance of him spontaneously dropping dead in the near future is slim to none, so I should try to think about something less traumatizing.

 

But this is the exact embodiment of what we're talking about... instead of making your own plans, you're instead asking everyone in your life about what you should do.

 

I suggest that for the next month or so, you undertake a little project - make a decision every day by yourself, for yourself. It doesn't matter how small the decision is, as long as it benefits you and your self-improvement in the long run. E.g. Monday - I will spend half an hour picking up a small skill relevant to my career or doing something for the advancement of a side gig (like starting your own website, etc). Tuesday - I will find out how to get around better with public transport. So on and so forth. Without asking your husband or parents or therapist if you should do it.

 

Can you do that?

[RomanticBride]

Well... It does sound a touch intimidating, but I don't see the harm. After all, I make choices every day, whether I know it or not. Something benefiting me in the long run...

 

I guess I'll figure out tomorrow what I'm going to do then.

[RomanticBride]

I checked our online banking account today, and we did indeed get our money back. Actually, 4 cents more than were stolen, for some reason. I immediately called my husband to share the good news!!

[MidwestUSA]

I checked our online banking account today, and we did indeed get our money back. Actually, 4 cents more than were stolen, for some reason. I immediately called my husband to share the good news!!

 

Interest. Rates are just crazy, aren't they? Spend it wisely.

[BettyDraper]

But this is the exact embodiment of what we're talking about... instead of making your own plans, you're instead asking everyone in your life about what you should do.

 

I suggest that for the next month or so, you undertake a little project - make a decision every day by yourself, for yourself. It doesn't matter how small the decision is, as long as it benefits you and your self-improvement in the long run. E.g. Monday - I will spend half an hour picking up a small skill relevant to my career or doing something for the advancement of a side gig (like starting your own website, etc). Tuesday - I will find out how to get around better with public transport. So on and so forth. Without asking your husband or parents or therapist if you should do it.

 

Can you do that?

 

I love this idea! Slow steps.

 

RB, the feeling of independence will make you proud of yourself.

I love it when people assume that because I don't drive, I cannot get anywhere by myself so they ask "How do you get around?" I just smile and reply "If my husband isn't around, I take the bus, train or taxi."

[ChickiePops]

Well... It does sound a touch intimidating, but I don't see the harm. After all, I make choices every day, whether I know it or not. Something benefiting me in the long run...

 

I guess I'll figure out tomorrow what I'm going to do then.

 

Once you actually start doing becoming more independent, small things like that will sound more fun than intimidating. I hope you actually follow through on this..best of luck to you.

[RomanticBride]

My paranoia that my dear husband will leave me or tire of me is worsening. I am worried. Worry is my constant companion, so this is anything but surprising.

 

Perhaps I should respond by showering my husband with affection, happy affection, without asking for comfort. Perhaps I should talk with him about my fears, again, risking his annoyance with my continual neediness. I do not know.

 

Anyway, the thing I did on my own today was to schedule my next therapy appointment. We can discuss the paranoia there.

Edited September 1, 2016 by RomanticBride

[BetheButterfly]

My paranoia that my dear husband will leave me or tire of me is worsening. I am worried.

 

Is your husband an honest man who keeps his word?

 

Has he given you any indication to worry?

 

It's so easy to doubt one's spouse and be afraid, which is why it helps to trust a trustworthy person. Is he trustworthy?

 

Worry is my constant companion, so this is anything but surprising.

 

I am sorry. Can you send a worry thought away when it comes along, and replace it with a happy thought?

 

Perhaps I should respond by showering my husband with affection, happy affection, without asking for comfort.

 

Be your happy, fun-loving, affectionate self with your hubby, and be confident!!!

 

Have you ever heard or read the book the Power of Positive Thinking? I recommend it. It can help you transform your negative thoughts to positive thoughts!

 

Perhaps I should talk with him about my fears, again, risking his annoyance with my continual neediness. I do not know.

 

I think it will be helpful to take a "leap of faith" and send your fears away, so that you can enjoy time with your hubby!!! Make precious memories together and mentally tell that fear to leave you alone!

 

Anyway, the thing I did on my own today was to schedule my next therapy appointment. We can discuss the paranoia there.

 

Cool! Blessings!!!

[RomanticBride]

I think you are absolutely right, BeTheButterfly, and I'll do just that. I'm sure all the nonsensical fears about my darling angel possibly someday "trading me in for a newer model" are utterly false. It's Thursday, which means it's my night to choose what we'll do and where we will go. Tuesday and Thursday are my nights, and Wednesday and Friday are his. I think perhaps tonight, if my darling isn't too tired, we might buy all the ingredients for a lovely chicken soup and make it in our crock pot. It's a nice cloudy overcast day, perfect for soup.

[Aniela]

I think you are absolutely right, BeTheButterfly, and I'll do just that. I'm sure all the nonsensical fears about my darling angel possibly someday "trading me in for a newer model" are utterly false. It's Thursday, which means it's my night to choose what we'll do and where we will go. Tuesday and Thursday are my nights, and Wednesday and Friday are his. I think perhaps tonight, if my darling isn't too tired, we might buy all the ingredients for a lovely chicken soup and make it in our crock pot. It's a nice cloudy overcast day, perfect for soup.

 

I don't remember saying anything about you being traded in. But life happens. I'm not talking about divorce, or cheating.

 

I made a great cream of chicken soup in the crock pot, but another anniversary present you might want to look into, is an Instant Pot. Or maybe for Christmas. Amazon has them on sale, the day after Thanksgiving. You'd have that soup much faster.

[BettyDraper]

My paranoia that my dear husband will leave me or tire of me is worsening. I am worried. Worry is my constant companion, so this is anything but surprising.

 

Perhaps I should respond by showering my husband with affection, happy affection, without asking for comfort. Perhaps I should talk with him about my fears, again, risking his annoyance with my continual neediness. I do not know.

 

Anyway, the thing I did on my own today was to schedule my next therapy appointment. We can discuss the paranoia there.

 

Good for you for scheduling your next therapy appointment!

 

I think the paranoia is worsening because of some posts you read here.

In time, I hope that you will become less suggestible so that you can't be led to think defeating thoughts or do anything to ruin your future.

 

I would recommend dealing with your fears on your own since you just talked to your husband about leaving you a few days ago. You don't want to push him away by needing constant reassurance. At some point, we have to take ownership for our emotional difficulties.

[RomanticBride]

Good for you for scheduling your next therapy appointment!

 

I think the paranoia is worsening because of some posts you read here.

In time, I hope that you will become less suggestible so that you can't be led to think defeating thoughts or do anything to ruin your future.

 

I would recommend dealing with your fears on your own since you just talked to your husband about leaving you a few days ago. You don't want to push him away by needing constant reassurance. At some point, we have to take ownership for our emotional difficulties.

 

It has only just occurred to me as you said so that other people do not need reassurance every day, or every other day, or what have you.

[BaileyB]

 

I think the paranoia is worsening because of some posts you read here.

 

Agreed. And yes, most people don't need reassurance everyday.

[BettyDraper]

RB, I have a suggestion for reassuring yourself of your husband's love.

 

Write down the story of your marriage and include some of his statements which made you feel loved and accepted.

 

When you feel insecure, pull out that story and read it. There's nothing wrong with needing reminders of love but they should not be excessive.

[BettyDraper]

It has only just occurred to me as you said so that other people do not need reassurance every day, or every other day, or what have you.

 

Sorry...it was too late to edit my other post.

 

Another way of managing your insecurities independently is looking at how your husband shows his love. Think of how he provides for you, tenderly assists you with your health challenges and plans getaways. Surely he wouldn't do such things if he wasn't in love, right?

[introverted1]

When I have asked my parents what I would do in such an event, they've said, "Welllll... you'll move back home, I suppose. Why? Have you done something? Why do you think he's going to leave you?" The last time I came close to actually being in such a situation, I had a month-long EA with an abusive man who basically coerced me into telling my husband I wanted a separation. He had me convinced that horrible things would happen if I didn't just go with it. That I'd be homeless and penniless and probably forced into prostitution if I didn't leave my husband, because if I dared tell anyone what was going on, they'd all disown me. I was close to killing myself when I finally told my mother. She took me to hospital and that's why I spent a week inpatient that one time in 2014.

 

When I've asked my therapist, she has said it does me no good to ask about what-ifs because she's pretty sure he's a great man who loves me very much and feeding my paranoia and fear of abandonment will do nothing for my nerves.

 

When I've asked my husband, he said he WON'T leave me, ever, and the chance of him spontaneously dropping dead in the near future is slim to none, so I should try to think about something less traumatizing.

 

How did the EA come about?