Husband is away on business, and I am lonely.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Romantic, I read your riposte to my last post on your thread and while I respect your view of what I had to say and my perspective on your situation, I have to say that your view of things is clouded over by an excessive emotional distortion in your relationship with your husband and with other living creatures (Read your pet cat). While no doubt you would be saddened by the passing of your pet kitten, he is now an old animal who is likely to suffer from various old age complications. The greatest act of kindness that you can do him is to let him go peacefully, grieve for him in a dignified way and release him gentiy from your life. Your outburst at your mother when she broke the news of his illness, indicates an unhealthy attachment to him and an unreasonable reaction to the possibility of losing him. You seem to also have an almost parasitic dependence on your husband and God forbid, if anything were to happen to him, you would be a hospital case.

As they say' Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread'. Wellaybe I was the fool and therefore, with due apologies, I make my exit from your thread. Warm wishes.

[RomanticBride]

So, my Beloved got home and, of course, woke me up. I hugged the daylights out of him and kissed him again and again and told him how much I missed him. He said he missed me too. He said he was quite hungry and wanted to go out with me to eat somewhere, so we went to his favorite burger place. While I was getting ready to go, I said, "Do you remember that LoveShack website, that romance forum, I used to visit when we were dating?"

 

I explained to him what many of you had said, that you thought I was too dependent on him and that not being able to eat or sleep while he was gone wasn't healthy, and that if my Eternal Beloved ever died or left me, that I'd be a basket case. I asked him if, in light of all this information, he thought I was too dependent on him.

 

He came over to me and hugged me and said, "No, you're not. That what love is. I don't guess those people know what love is. I didn't sleep well without you, either."

 

So we went out and ate dinner, and came home and snuggled on the bed in the living room that I usually sleep in when I'm ill or panicky and we watched a movie there. And now I guess I'm going to the Master bed to sleep with him... although, having slept all day, I'm not tired. I suppose it won't hurt to catch up on sleep.

[Els]

He came over to me and hugged me and said, "No, you're not. That what love is. I don't guess those people know what love is. I didn't sleep well without you, either."

 

 

Hey, look, it's your life. If you want to equate love with being 100% dependent on someone to the extent that you can't carry out basic functions like eating, sleeping, or working when they're away for a few days, that's up to you. Missing your partner when they're away is normal, but you're taking it to a hugely unhealthy extreme. When my partner is away, I do miss him, but life goes on. I eat, sleep, work, do things I enjoy, and talk to my friends/family.

 

Whether or not your husband agrees with your perspective is irrelevant, although it does worry me slightly that he doesn't appear to be concerned at all over the fact that you hadn't eaten or slept during his absence. If he truly cared about your well-being, IMO he would not encourage such over-dependence because it's genuinely detrimental to your health. Generally, only controlling people encourage over-dependence because they need to be needed all the time.

 

But anyway, all the best to you and your Eternal Beloved. Seems like the time I took to try and help you was a complete and utter waste, so I shan't repeat that mistake.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Elswyth

[RomanticBride]

But anyway, all the best to you and your Eternal Beloved. Seems like the time I took to try and help you was a complete and utter waste, so I shan't repeat that mistake.

 

Oh now, that's not true either. It's never a waste of time to try and help someone, even if their perspective doesn't match yours. After all, I already have activities outside of my husband to focus on, and while my shrink does encourage me to be loyal and adoring to my husband, we're ALSO working on ways not to have a total mental collapse during times of stress. She has opened me up to the possibly of someday having a job after college, as well, so we are working on fostering some level of independence as well.

 

I'm not sure why you think helping me was a waste of time, because I am already following your advice. I'm in therapy and I have a support system and hobbies. I probably will bring the matter up in therapy next time I go.

Edited August 27, 2016 by RomanticBride

[xxoo]

Do you plan on having children?

[RomanticBride]

Not yet. He promised me when we got engaged that we'd have 10 years of marriage before we would start trying. I am nowhere closer to wanting children than I was back then, and he agreed with me that having kids may never be a financial possibility due to the rising cost of living and the fact that a baby costs appx. $11,000 a year until it is 18, at the bare minimum.

 

I may someday have room in my heart to dedicate to a child, but these last time we discussed it, (a few months ago; I bring it up every so often to ensure we're still in the same page) he said he would still love me and not leave me if it turned out I was never ready for children.

Edited August 27, 2016 by RomanticBride

[Anderlie]

You write like you're in a mills and Boone novel but reality seeps in and you fall apart in an instant. It's great you're actively working on your issues but the facts are that if your therapist hasn't got you to the point you can sleep when he's not there you need a different therapist. You shouldn't be at college and wondering about a job one day, you should be planning on using that education to help support yourself and your household - otherwise what, a heap of debt for nothing? Stop fluffing around and get serious about your recovery and becoming an active participant in your own life.

Edited August 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[BaileyB]

^^ agreed. I don't get to see my boyfriend for periods of time either but I make myself busy and enjoy life with friends and activities while we are apart. And then, of course, it is wonderful to see him when we are together.

 

Keep working on yourself OP - it can't be healthy to be so invested in your husband and I fear that in the long term, it will take a serious toll on your relationship. You are so young, but a relationship needs two, healthy partners who are able to stand on their own two feet before they can truly come together in partnership.

[RomanticBride]

You write like you're in a mills and Boone novel but reality seeps in and you fall apart in an instant. It's great you're actively working on your issues but the facts are that if your therapist hasn't got you to the point you can sleep when he's not there you need a different therapist. You shouldn't be at college and wondering about a job one day, you should be planning on using that education to help support yourself and your household - otherwise what, a heap of debt for nothing? Stop fluffing around and get serious about your recovery and becoming an active participant in your own life.

 

Thank you for the compliment about my writing. It's much appreciated. And actually, my husband and I were in a long-distance relationship before we were married. He lived in England and I in the states. However, almost without exception, it's been five whole years since we've ever spent even one full day apart from one another. I'd gotten used to his constant presence and suddenly not having it took a toll on my nerves. I'm sure his next business trip- set to be in October or early November- will be much, much easier.

 

As I mentioned in another post, I have come a long way in terms of accepting responsibility. When I was first married, I would have never considered having a job unless it would very literally save our lives. Now, I accept it as the next step in our lives. Besides, being just at home for the next ~45 years would get boring anyway.

 

As to college debt, I don't have any. My parents are funding my education and they can pay for it without going into debt or taking a loan or anything.

Edited August 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spanz1]

my wife travels a lot. I found that skyping or some other video chat at the end of the day goes a long way toward fighting off the loneliness. A simple audio phone call is not enough, you need to video conference.

[BettyDraper]

While I agree that the OP is overly dependent on her husband, it is unfair to judge someone who has been honest about struggling with mental health issues. None of us know how we would approach life if we had certain health problems. She and her husband seem like a good fit since he doesn't mind her emotional fragility so who are we to shame the OP for her feelings? It takes courage to share such vulnerable emotions and attributes.

Edited August 30, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Aniela]

Not yet. He promised me when we got engaged that we'd have 10 years of marriage before we would start trying. I am nowhere closer to wanting children than I was back then, and he agreed with me that having kids may never be a financial possibility due to the rising cost of living and the fact that a baby costs appx. $11,000 a year until it is 18, at the bare minimum.

 

I may someday have room in my heart to dedicate to a child, but these last time we discussed it, (a few months ago; I bring it up every so often to ensure we're still in the same page) he said he would still love me and not leave me if it turned out I was never ready for children.

 

You were in your mid-teens when you married? Or am I mixing you up with someone else?

 

If not: I wouldn't hold a fifteen/sixteen-year-old to anything like that. I hope he keeps his promise to you. Things can change so much in ten years, your views on things, what you want for yourself and your life.

[RomanticBride]

You were in your mid-teens when you married? Or am I mixing you up with someone else?

 

I got married at 18; he was 28. When we were first engaged I was 17 and he was 27.

[aileD]

I got married at 18; he was 28. When we were first engaged I was 17 and he was 27.

 

Aww sweetie. You never got to grow into YOU.

 

You went from being emotionally & financially dependent on mom and dad right to being emotionally and financially dependent on your boyfriend turned husband.

 

There's supposed to be some time there in between, in your 20's, where you figure out who you are. You grow up, have some fun, make some mistakes, have some good relationships and some bad ones and figure out who RomanticBride is as an adult.

 

I hope you can hear this and take some time for you. Find out what you like to do, what your values are, what you're interested in and do those things.

 

I'm rooting for you.

[RomanticBride]

I now know exactly what you mean by "a real curveball" because I have been thrown one.

 

A couple days ago, I noticed someone had purchased something on Ebay using my debit card and our shared checking account. It was $400 Chanel makeup. To help alleviate some of the stress on his end, I have taken all the responsibility for sorting things out upon myself. I asked my mother and various internet forums for advice. I contacted Ebay and I contacted the bank, repeatedly, making dozens of phone calls to four different companies trying to get to the bottom of it.

 

In the end, it turns out someone had hacked my e-mail account and my Ebay account to purchase the makeup. I cancelled my debit card, but the bank told me that it could take up to two weeks to determine whether it was truly fraud and file a dispute. Two weeks! My anniversary is on the tenth. My husband, due to the stress I suppose, has not even booked our reservations at the resort or put in for time off! I fear my angel won't be able to take us on our second honeymoon!

 

Worse, without my debit card, I won't be able to purchase the beautiful engraved wooden desk box I just know my darling would have loved! Our anniversary may end up being a disaster.

 

This evening, after my fifth phone call of the day, I broke down in tears in front of my husband, bewailing the fact that none of these soulless companies seem to care an ounce about our plight. My husband told me to not think with my emotions so much and to rely on reason, a thing which comes far more easily to him than it does to me. I asked him if he would take me out to dinner, given that I hadn't eaten all day, and he said he would.

 

Over dinner, I told him that I really was trying my absolute best to get things resolved and to take the pressure off of him, but that I didn't know how to shove my emotions aside, and that I desperately needed his comfort, more than usual. He told me he knew, and he thanked me for putting forth such a valiant effort to take care of the matter. He told me- after I asked him to promise me so- that he loved me and would always be there for me. Then, as I had completed as many phone calls as I could for the day, we went home and he held me tightly as we watched lighthearted, relaxing TV together.

 

Now, he's asleep in the master bed and I, as usual, am awake well after midnight sobbing my heart out. My mother has generously agreed to escort me to the bank first thing tomorrow morning so I can demand that they put my life back together in person rather than over the phone, and then if she has time we're going to the police. I know I should sleep, but I just can't. Who could in a situation such as this?? I've tried tea and broth and Chopin and diphenhydramine, to no avail. I'm at my wit's end, sapped of what little levelheadedness I possess. Our fifth anniversary is likely ruined... I will insist that tomorrow my darling puts forth some effort of his own to salvage it. It's tremendously unlike him to ignore responsibility. I can only imagine he is as stressed as I am.

Edited August 31, 2016 by RomanticBride

[ChickiePops]

Just go when you get the money back. $400 is really not worth falling apart over.

[RomanticBride]

It's not the amount, so much as it is the fact that I can't use my debit card and thus cannot buy my husband his lovely present, and that he, in the stress of it all, hasn't moved forward with the preparations for our anniversary. I own Chanel makeup myself and love it, so it's not really the money; it's the principle of the thing. We've been robbed and it's taken a toll on us both and greatly dampened our spirits.

[Els]

Umm... fraud always sucks (and I hope you get it sorted out), but not being able to celebrate your anniversary the way you want is REALLY not what I meant by 'a real curveball'.... :/

 

If losing $400 means you can't afford a gift, even if you get the money back it would probably be a good idea to give him a gift that doesn't cost money instead. How about you just give the bank time to sort things out, celebrate at home, cook him a nice dinner instead? The trip can always wait, and I really doubt he's desperately bemoaning the lack of a beautiful engraved desk box.

Edited August 31, 2016 by Elswyth

[Aniela]

Who could in a situation such as this?? I've tried tea and broth and Chopin and diphenhydramine, to no avail. I'm at my wit's end, sapped of what little levelheadedness I possess. Our fifth anniversary is likely ruined... I will insist that tomorrow my darling puts forth some effort of his own to salvage it. It's tremendously unlike him to ignore responsibility. I can only imagine he is as stressed as I am.

 

Where exactly was he planning on taking you for your second honeymoon?

 

Fraud does suck, but if your parents can afford to put you through school with no hits to them financially, and your husband also has a job, I don't understand the panic over $400. I would expect his help, as well, but it sounds like you've got it covered, what with the phone calls, and your mother taking you to the bank tomorrow (although I think your darling should have helped out as soon as you found out, just to put *your* mind at ease).

 

*edit. I can understand the panic over someone managing to steal your information. That is a violation. I hope you've managed to get some sleep. Try an epsom salt bath, next time, followed by something to help you relax. I've used Nyquil several times in the past few weeks, and just a little bit knocks me out.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, this happened to me a few years ago and although it was an inconvenience, it was a phone call and it was resolved. It is definitely not the worst curveball that life can throw you...

 

I think you need to rethink your expectations for your anniversary. Take a deep breath and talk to the bank. They will do what they need to do to resolve the situation.

[clia]

I now know exactly what you mean by "a real curveball" because I have been thrown one.

 

A couple days ago, I noticed someone had purchased something on Ebay using my debit card and our shared checking account. It was $400 Chanel makeup. To help alleviate some of the stress on his end, I have taken all the responsibility for sorting things out upon myself.

 

It's strange that you act like you are doing him a favor by handling this. It's YOUR debit card and YOUR shared account. Given that you don't work and he does, I would expect you to handle issues like this as they arise. Handling life is part of being an adult.

 

In the end, it turns out someone had hacked my e-mail account and my Ebay account to purchase the makeup. I cancelled my debit card, but the bank told me that it could take up to two weeks to determine whether it was truly fraud and file a dispute. Two weeks! My anniversary is on the tenth. My husband, due to the stress I suppose, has not even booked our reservations at the resort or put in for time off! I fear my angel won't be able to take us on our second honeymoon!

 

Honestly, this stuff happens a lot in this day and age. I doubt your husband is so stressed out about it that he forgot to make reservations or take time off. That also doesn't explain why he didn't do those things yesterday or last week, before you got hacked. Are you sure he even wants to go on a second honeymoon?

 

Worse, without my debit card, I won't be able to purchase the beautiful engraved wooden desk box I just know my darling would have loved! Our anniversary may end up being a disaster.

 

It's hardly a disaster to not be able to buy him a wooden desk box. I'm sure he'll understand why it's delayed.

 

This evening, after my fifth phone call of the day, I broke down in tears in front of my husband, bewailing the fact that none of these soulless companies seem to care an ounce about our plight. My husband told me to not think with my emotions so much and to rely on reason, a thing which comes far more easily to him than it does to me. I asked him if he would take me out to dinner, given that I hadn't eaten all day, and he said he would.

 

It's alarming that you were stressed to the point of tears and not eating over something like this. Have you discussed your ability to handle life with your therapist?

 

Now, he's asleep in the master bed and I, as usual, am awake well after midnight sobbing my heart out.

 

What do you mean "as usual"? Why are you sobbing your heart out? This all seems so dramatic over a hacked debit card that has already been cancelled.

 

My mother has generously agreed to escort me to the bank first thing tomorrow morning so I can demand that they put my life back together in person rather than over the phone, and then if she has time we're going to the police.

 

Why do you need your mother to escort you? You are an adult, married woman. Why can't you go on your own? And you need your life put back together over $400? I'm just really confused.

 

I know I should sleep, but I just can't. Who could in a situation such as this??

 

Honestly, most people could. Your card has been cancelled. I assume you changed all your passwords. The bank will refund the money once they complete their investigation. The problem is resolved.

 

I'm very curious -- what does your husband think of your dramatics?

[BettyDraper]

It's strange that you act like you are doing him a favor by handling this. It's YOUR debit card and YOUR shared account. Given that you don't work and he does, I would expect you to handle issues like this as they arise. Handling life is part of being an adult.

 

 

 

Honestly, this stuff happens a lot in this day and age. I doubt your husband is so stressed out about it that he forgot to make reservations or take time off. That also doesn't explain why he didn't do those things yesterday or last week, before you got hacked. Are you sure he even wants to go on a second honeymoon?

 

 

 

It's hardly a disaster to not be able to buy him a wooden desk box. I'm sure he'll understand why it's delayed.

 

 

 

It's alarming that you were stressed to the point of tears and not eating over something like this. Have you discussed your ability to handle life with your therapist?

 

 

 

What do you mean "as usual"? Why are you sobbing your heart out? This all seems so dramatic over a hacked debit card that has already been cancelled.

 

 

 

Why do you need your mother to escort you? You are an adult, married woman. Why can't you go on your own? And you need your life put back together over $400? I'm just really confused.

 

 

 

Honestly, most people could. Your card has been cancelled. I assume you changed all your passwords. The bank will refund the money once they complete their investigation. The problem is resolved.

 

I'm very curious -- what does your husband think of your dramatics?

 

We need to remember that we are interacting with someone who is mentally ill as well as extremely dependent on her loved ones. She simply cannot handle stress the way other adults can. Her emotional growth has been stunted by being married off to a much older man at such a young age. I don't think this is healthy but it is the situation at hand.

 

It's clear that the OP's husband knows how to handle her behavior which is a blessing. I think he knew that he was marrying a very young and naive woman. Maybe that's exactly what he wanted.

 

I agree that the partner who stays at home should handle administrative tasks for the couple. I would never expect my husband to deal with a situation like this because, well, he's at work and I'm home. I also agree that a good therapist would teach their client relaxation techniques and coping skills. I'm concerned that the OP has been enabled to the point where she cannot handle small matters.

 

I cut off a friend who used her ADD as an excuse for everything. Her ADD was the reason she could not drive, take public transit, exercise or do any kind of work including volunteering. I am a housewife who cannot drive or work due to medical conditions but you better believe that I'm active in my community and I take the bus or train. My husband cannot always drive me around.

[BettyDraper]

Aww sweetie. You never got to grow into YOU.

 

You went from being emotionally & financially dependent on mom and dad right to being emotionally and financially dependent on your boyfriend turned husband.

 

There's supposed to be some time there in between, in your 20's, where you figure out who you are. You grow up, have some fun, make some mistakes, have some good relationships and some bad ones and figure out who RomanticBride is as an adult.

 

I hope you can hear this and take some time for you. Find out what you like to do, what your values are, what you're interested in and do those things.

 

I'm rooting for you.

 

This. My parents wanted me to be that type of woman. They wanted me to live with them until marriage until I was "given" to my husband. I did not want that life for myself so I lived alone for years before I married.

 

Every young person needs time to grow into their own identity before marriage. I get the impression that the OP's parents were pleased to have someone take care of their child.

[BetheButterfly]

Hello again. I seldom post, I know, and I doubt anyone here even remembers me, but here I am nonetheless.

 

I'm really just posting because for the first time in nearly five years of marriage, my husband has gone away on business. The boss gave him a company credit card and there's a definite chance of a promotion within a few months. I'm immensely proud of my husband and honored to be his wife, and I told him so in the letter I slipped into his suitcase.

That's so cool; what a nice surprise for him!!!

 

Even so, I really miss him. We're not used to being without each other's company. The last time we were separated for more than a few hours was when I was in the hospital in 2014. It's nearly one in the morning, I have class tomorrow all day, and I cannot sleep. The bed is empty.

I understand. I go to visit family a lot so my hubby and I are apart during those days, and I always miss him like crazy. He recently went on a motorcycle trip to visit relatives, and I missed him like crazy too.

 

 

He did find my love letter though, and texted me to say it made him emotional, which was just heartrendingly adorable.

Yeah

 

Our fifth anniversary is coming up. It's the anniversary of wood and since he pays attention to traditional anniversary gifts, I'm going to get him a customized engraved wooden desk organizer. The trouble is I don't know what I'd have them write on it. I was thinking just his full name, "5th Anniversary", and a line from our song, "One Love, One Lifetime". But somehow it doesn't seem to flow very well. Maybe you have a more romantic idea.

Congratulations on your 5th anniversary!!! My hubby and my 5th anniversary is soon too!!!

 

"One Love, One Lifetime" sounds beautiful and romantic in my opinion.

[Aniela]

 

 

Why do you need your mother to escort you? You are an adult, married woman. Why can't you go on your own? And you need your life put back together over $400? I'm just really confused.

 

 

If she's agoraphobic, she probably needs the help. I've been there (and it's embarrassing as an adult).

 

I was puzzled this morning, but I can get that emotional over small things. I'll calm down and realize that I overreacted, but it won't stop it from happening again.