Husband is away on business, and I am lonely.

[clia]

If she's agoraphobic, she probably needs the help. I've been there (and it's embarrassing as an adult).

 

I was puzzled this morning, but I can get that emotional over small things. I'll calm down and realize that I overreacted, but it won't stop it from happening again.

 

She's mentioned going to the grocery store, going out to eat quite often, and is anticipating going on a trip, so I didn't realize agoraphobia was an issue.

[BetheButterfly]

Our fifth anniversary is likely ruined... I will insist that tomorrow my darling puts forth some effort of his own to salvage it. It's tremendously unlike him to ignore responsibility. I can only imagine he is as stressed as I am.

 

Ah RomanticBride,

 

Truly your emotions overwhelm you sometimes.

 

Life is a jungle, as my Dad says. There are going to be difficulties in life, but one doesn't need to let difficulties ruin anything, including one's 5th anniversary.

 

My advice is to take deep breaths, focus on the positive, and just get the issue with the debit card resolved without letting your emotions control you.

 

Life is too short to get so upset over a stolen debit card; enjoy life, in spite of the difficulties. See the cup as half-full, not half-empty.

 

Blessings and I hope you have an awesome anniversary! With a good attitude on your part and your husband's part, your anniversary can be great no matter the difficulties that happen in life!

[RomanticBride]

It's strange that you act like you are doing him a favor by handling this. It's YOUR debit card and YOUR shared account. Given that you don't work and he does, I would expect you to handle issues like this as they arise. Handling life is part of being an adult.

 

Honestly, this stuff happens a lot in this day and age. I doubt your husband is so stressed out about it that he forgot to make reservations or take time off. That also doesn't explain why he didn't do those things yesterday or last week, before you got hacked. Are you sure he even wants to go on a second honeymoon?

 

 

Well, I hope he wants to go on a second honeymoon. He was the one who suggested it last week. I called him today and he said while he didn't intend to be away for longer than the weekend-making it a smaller holiday than I'd anticipated- we would pick out and reserve a resort together tonight.

 

 

It's hardly a disaster to not be able to buy him a wooden desk box. I'm sure he'll understand why it's delayed.

 

After we went to the bank, my mother offered to take me to the mall, where I bought a custom-engraved wooden phone and tablet holder, with the "one love, one lifetime" on it, and a photo frame he can keep on his desk at work with a similar engraving. My anniversary gift to him has been salvaged, so I feel a bit more at ease in that regard.

 

 

It's alarming that you were stressed to the point of tears and not eating over something like this. Have you discussed your ability to handle life with your therapist?

 

Many and many and MANY a time. She has said it is a process and it takes years of practicing healthy self-soothing skills to be able to do it naturally, and mostly she is just pleased that I have stopped self-harming and deliberately starving myself in response to stress. I usually eat once or twice a day, which is a massive improvement over, say, June.

 

What do you mean "as usual"? Why are you sobbing your heart out? This all seems so dramatic over a hacked debit card that has already been cancelled.

 

 

It doesn't seem it to me. Today, the bank said the odds were 50/50 that I would win the dispute. That's horrible!! Anyone, at any time, can steal any or all of mine and my husband's money, and there's only a coin flip's chance that we'll ever get it back?! I'm lucky I haven't had a full-scale panic-driven psychological breakdown over discovering this fact about the world in which I live!!! A few tears seems a very tempered response to such news!

 

Why do you need your mother to escort you? You are an adult, married woman. Why can't you go on your own?

 

I can't drive; I have cerebral palsy in my legs. I cannot use my debit card anymore, so public transport is currently not an option. Thus, until I get a new card, relying on family is my only option.

 

And you need your life put back together over $400? I'm just really confused.

 

Again, it's not just the $400. It's all the money my poor dear husband will ever earn. It can all, theoretically, be stolen with only half a chance of justice. Do you not find this horrifying? How do ordinary people cope with truths such as these, seriously?!

 

I'm very curious -- what does your husband think of your dramatics?

 

In general, his attitude has been that his abundance of logic helps to counterbalance my abundance of emotion, and I'm very much in agreememnt with him. I've asked him several times if he loves me even when I'm crying and upset and he says yes, even then.

[RomanticBride]

She's mentioned going to the grocery store, going out to eat quite often, and is anticipating going on a trip, so I didn't realize agoraphobia was an issue.

 

True. Going out with my husband and with my parents doesn't scare me at all anymore. Going to class is a bit unsettling at times, but nothing I cannot handle. When I first married my husband, I never wanted to go out anywhere, and the first time I was ill and had to take to bed in my new apartment, it was awful. Panic attack upon panic attack. I called my mother saying I couldn't live with my husband, that it was too frightening and new, and that I wanted to move back home. Of course she would have none of it, and gently told me to stay there and wait it out. I'm ever so glad I did, because now there's nowhere I'd rather be, especially when I'm unwell, than home with my beloved. Not even my old bedroom.

[BettyDraper]

True. Going out with my husband and with my parents doesn't scare me at all anymore. Going to class is a bit unsettling at times, but nothing I cannot handle. When I first married my husband, I never wanted to go out anywhere, and the first time I was ill and had to take to bed in my new apartment, it was awful. Panic attack upon panic attack. I called my mother saying I couldn't live with my husband, that it was too frightening and new, and that I wanted to move back home. Of course she would have none of it, and gently told me to stay there and wait it out. I'm ever so glad I did, because now there's nowhere I'd rather be, especially when I'm unwell, than home with my beloved. Not even my old bedroom.

 

You have such a charming way of writing.

I picture you as a delicate Southern belle. It's adorable.

 

I'm glad that your mother wouldn't let you come back home. However, I'm concerned that your parents married you off at a young age so that they wouldn't have to help their child who struggles with many health issues.

[OneLov]

Every young person needs time to grow into their own identity before marriage. I get the impression that the OP's parents were pleased to have someone take care of their child.

 

^^^This. If I could give it a million likes I would.

 

If that were the case in this situation, this thread would likely not exist because there would have been no problem to create this anxiety.

[RomanticBride]

I get the impression that the OP's parents were pleased to have someone take care of their child.

 

Yes. I cannot drive, and though I'm reasonably intelligent, owing to childhood trauma involving surgery and illnesses I spent the vast majority of my adolescence as a screaming invalid. It was especially bad from about the ages of 10 to 14 You've ever seen a documentary on feral children? I wasn't quite in that state, but there were plenty of times I came close. The panic attacks and flashbacks occurred hourly. I couldn't do much except wail and tremble in abject terror. It took my parents months to figure out that my "fits" were panic attacks and flashbacks. I recall people would say certain words around me and I would have a panic attack and try to escape the room, which I couldn't because I was- at first- in a wheelchair. So my mind would completely shut off and I'd just be a terrified lump.

 

But once they got me on the right combination of drugs and in therapy, I could start going to school again. Although, with all the panic attacks, I'm pretty sure I didn't learn anything for the first year or so, except how to survive being out in public. It didn't much matter because as I said, I was a precocious child and had I not been ill I probably would have had the knowledge to skip a couple grades.

 

It wasn't even until a hospitalization for unrelated anxiety and depression in late 2014 that I began having vivid memories of this period of my life. I'd been aware that I had a surgery go wrong when I was 10, and that I had severe anxiety in middle school, but it wasn't until I spent a week in hospital and three months in an intensive psychiatric program that I actually began to remember just how bad these first panic attacks were.

 

 

I met my husband when I was 15 and we began dating when I was 16, just as I was beginning to come out of my panicky haze and regain some of my cognition and memory and general functioning. My parents were just thrilled that I had something to be happy about, and someone who appeared to maybe be willing to look after me. When he did arrive from England to meet me, my mother says she gave him a talk about what he could reasonably expect. According to my mother, he replied, "I know. I'll teach her." and that was the moment she knew I'd found the man for me.

 

In other words in in brief, yes, they were ECSTATIC to have someone to take care of me.

[BetheButterfly]

Well, I hope he wants to go on a second honeymoon. He was the one who suggested it last week. I called him today and he said while he didn't intend to be away for longer than the weekend-making it a smaller holiday than I'd anticipated- we would pick out and reserve a resort together tonight.

 

That sounds fun!!!

 

After we went to the bank, my mother offered to take me to the mall, where I bought a custom-engraved wooden phone and tablet holder, with the "one love, one lifetime" on it, and a photo frame he can keep on his desk at work with a similar engraving. My anniversary gift to him has been salvaged, so I feel a bit more at ease in that regard.

Beautiful I think it's so cool that y'all do the traditional anniversary gifts. My hubby doesn't, but that's ok. I accept him as he is.

 

 

Many and many and MANY a time. She has said it is a process and it takes years of practicing healthy self-soothing skills to be able to do it naturally, and mostly she is just pleased that I have stopped self-harming and deliberately starving myself in response to stress. I usually eat once or twice a day, which is a massive improvement over, say, June.

Wow. I am so proud of you, though I don't know you personally, for stopping self harm and eating in order to survive!!! It sounds like you have already gone through very difficult issues in life, so now I'm understanding better the emotions.

 

It doesn't seem it to me. Today, the bank said the odds were 50/50 that I would win the dispute. That's horrible!! Anyone, at any time, can steal any or all of mine and my husband's money, and there's only a coin flip's chance that we'll ever get it back?!

 

I hope you do get your money back!!! I wish people wouldn't steal .

 

I'm lucky I haven't had a full-scale panic-driven psychological breakdown over discovering this fact about the world in which I live!!! A few tears seems a very tempered response to such news!

I understand now. Hugs!!!

 

 

 

I can't drive; I have cerebral palsy in my legs. I cannot use my debit card anymore, so public transport is currently not an option. Thus, until I get a new card, relying on family is my only option.

 

I am understanding more and more about your emotions. If I had the difficulties you do, I would be very emotional too.

 

Again, it's not just the $400. It's all the money my poor dear husband will ever earn. It can all, theoretically, be stolen with only half a chance of justice. Do you not find this horrifying? How do ordinary people cope with truths such as these, seriously?!

I guess many people think that the bank will do the right thing and give the $ back to you, and the thieves will be caught. That's the ideal anyways.

 

In general, his attitude has been that his abundance of logic helps to counterbalance my abundance of emotion, and I'm very much in agreememnt with him. I've asked him several times if he loves me even when I'm crying and upset and he says yes, even then.

Now I'm crying, though happy tears. I am glad he loves you no matter your emotions. Blessings to y'all!!!

[BetheButterfly]

Yes. I cannot drive, and though I'm reasonably intelligent, owing to childhood trauma involving surgery and illnesses I spent the vast majority of my adolescence as a screaming invalid. It was especially bad from about the ages of 10 to 14 You've ever seen a documentary on feral children? I wasn't quite in that state, but there were plenty of times I came close. The panic attacks and flashbacks occurred hourly. I couldn't do much except wail and tremble in abject terror. It took my parents months to figure out that my "fits" were panic attacks and flashbacks. I recall people would say certain words around me and I would have a panic attack and try to escape the room, which I couldn't because I was- at first- in a wheelchair. So my mind would completely shut off and I'd just be a terrified lump.

 

I'm so sorry :(

 

In other words in in brief, yes, they were ECSTATIC to have someone to take care of me.

 

Where are you from please? If you don't want to share, that's ok. I'm from the USA. I ask because there are rules against dating/marrying minors in the USA.

[aileD]

Yes, there are not many parents here in the US that would be supportive of a 28 year old man wanting to marry their 17 year old daughter. Especially one that was in the state you were in.

 

It's actually quite worrisome to me. Is he really helping you with your issues? Does he encourage you to be autonomous?

[ChickiePops]

Yes, most people would easily be able to cope with the temporary loss of $400, and the temporary loss of a debit card. They would also be able to figure out that you don't need a debit card to use public transportation.

 

 

What is your long term healthcare plan? Obviously your parents won't always be around, and your husband appears to be unreliable...do you have something in the works?

[ShatteredLady]

Hey! I'm so sorry that this has happened. It's sad. Some people in this world don't live by the same moral code as others. Please don't let this make you feel bad about the world.

 

I try to learn from experiences like this.

 

I NEVER use my debit or credit card online. Do you have a paypal account? They're easy to set-up. I've had some bad experiences buying things online but PayPal have ALWAYS given me my money straight back!

 

Maybe that would help in the future.

Edited August 31, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[aileD]

I also work in credit fraud. Or used to.....

 

But I've learned to never never keep more than $50 in the account linked to your debit card. In today's technological world, you can have two checking accounts, linked to each other but only one linked to the debit card. Keep all your money in the non-linked account. Most banks have apps for your phone where you can see your accounts and transfer money real time.

 

This is what I do. Before I use my debit card, I will use the app to transfer money to that account.

 

I leave $50 in there so if the debit card gets stolen they never get more than $50.

 

You can also just use a credit card and pay it off in full from your checking account.

 

If your credit card gets stolen, it's not real money. They write it off and give you a new card. When your debit card gets stolen it's real money and it takes longer to get it back as you are realizing .

[RomanticBride]

 

I'm so sorry :(

 

 

 

Where are you from please? If you don't want to share, that's ok. I'm from the USA. I ask because there are rules against dating/marrying minors in the USA.

 

I am in the USA. We looked up the age of consent laws in the US, and the age of consent in my state is 16. My then-boyfriend and I were dating online, and we met for the first time in real life on my 16th birthday, so we knew as long as we kept our relationship looking chaste and innocent, and did not "officially" begin courting in public until then, we would be fine. Especially as my parents approved. Though a great many people in my parents' social circle were concerned and even outraged, the law could not touch us as I was above the age of consent and had my family's blessing.

[aileD]

 

I am in the USA. We looked up the age of consent laws in the US, and the age of consent in my state is 16. My then-boyfriend and I were dating online, and we met for the first time in real life on my 16th birthday, so we knew as long as we kept our relationship looking chaste and innocent, and did not "officially" begin courting in public until then, we would be fine. Especially as my parents approved. Though a great many people in my parents' social circle were concerned and even outraged, the law could not touch us as I was above the age of consent and had my family's blessing.

 

That still doesn't make it healthy. I'm jot trying to come down on you, you r managed to stay together a long time, it's just concerning because healthy 28 year old men aren't attracted to 15 year olds.

 

My daughter is 15. It's hard to think about .

 

I just hope he has your best interests in mind

[ShatteredLady]

My husbands twin sister has always suffered from chronic anxiety & depression. Her son, my nephew, has inherited the same issues. His school has been fantastic. Helping in every way they can.

 

A lot of life is about anticipating what's going to cause them stress & working on strategies to cope. 'Surprise' things will always happen (like your debit card issues) we view them as learning experiences & strive to avoid them in the future.

 

Best wishes.

[Els]

 

Again, it's not just the $400. It's all the money my poor dear husband will ever earn. It can all, theoretically, be stolen with only half a chance of justice. Do you not find this horrifying? How do ordinary people cope with truths such as these, seriously?!

 

It's likely that you will get the $400 back - online banking fraud is usually traceable and even though it will take time, you will usually get your money returned to you.

 

'All' your money cannot theoretically be stolen with only 'half a chance of justice', it is the reason why there are limits for ATM withdrawals, online banking transactions are always reversible, etc. That being said if your email account was hacked I would strongly suggest doing a clean reformat of your computer (and maybe phone, if you use your phone to access it) and changing your password.

 

That being said, we cope with it because it's just... life. ANYTHING and ANYONE can be taken from you with little to no warning. Anyone could be diagnosed with terminal cancer at any time, for instance. World War III could erupt and end in nuclear warfare. Political/economic instability could render your currency and all your savings worthless.

 

It is very concerning that you are so insulated from real world truths that something like a $400 debit card fraud is such a huge shocker to you. If you were living paycheck to paycheck and that $400 would have caused you to be unable to pay rent and get evicted, then I could understand a reaction of this magnitude. But in your case the only thing that happens is that you can't buy your partner the gift that you want at the time that you want, and that MAYBE you can't get the trip you want at the time that you want. It's really not 'stay up all night crying' material to the average person.

 

Yes fraud sucks and it isn't fair, but life was never meant to be fair. There isn't really someone balancing all the checkbooks and making sure everyone gets dealt a fair hand.

[BettyDraper]

Yes. I cannot drive, and though I'm reasonably intelligent, owing to childhood trauma involving surgery and illnesses I spent the vast majority of my adolescence as a screaming invalid. It was especially bad from about the ages of 10 to 14 You've ever seen a documentary on feral children? I wasn't quite in that state, but there were plenty of times I came close. The panic attacks and flashbacks occurred hourly. I couldn't do much except wail and tremble in abject terror. It took my parents months to figure out that my "fits" were panic attacks and flashbacks. I recall people would say certain words around me and I would have a panic attack and try to escape the room, which I couldn't because I was- at first- in a wheelchair. So my mind would completely shut off and I'd just be a terrified lump.

 

But once they got me on the right combination of drugs and in therapy, I could start going to school again. Although, with all the panic attacks, I'm pretty sure I didn't learn anything for the first year or so, except how to survive being out in public. It didn't much matter because as I said, I was a precocious child and had I not been ill I probably would have had the knowledge to skip a couple grades.

 

It wasn't even until a hospitalization for unrelated anxiety and depression in late 2014 that I began having vivid memories of this period of my life. I'd been aware that I had a surgery go wrong when I was 10, and that I had severe anxiety in middle school, but it wasn't until I spent a week in hospital and three months in an intensive psychiatric program that I actually began to remember just how bad these first panic attacks were.

 

 

I met my husband when I was 15 and we began dating when I was 16, just as I was beginning to come out of my panicky haze and regain some of my cognition and memory and general functioning. My parents were just thrilled that I had something to be happy about, and someone who appeared to maybe be willing to look after me. When he did arrive from England to meet me, my mother says she gave him a talk about what he could reasonably expect. According to my mother, he replied, "I know. I'll teach her." and that was the moment she knew I'd found the man for me.

 

In other words in in brief, yes, they were ECSTATIC to have someone to take care of me.

 

*hug* Now that you have shared all of that, my belief that you are actually a strong and determined woman has been confirmed. I hope that anyone who took shots at you feels foolish now. Good for you for coming this far.

 

I too suffer from health issues which make it impossible for me to drive or work full time. I take public transit, taxis and my good husband or friends drive me where I need to go. I am able to function well enough to volunteer, have a happy marriage and friendships but not enough to handle a full time job. I'm proud that I was able to complete an education but it took many attempts since I kept getting sick. Some of my PTSD stems from workplace bullying. I'm not eligible for any kind of government funding due to my husband's salary.

 

I see why living alone was not a good choice for you. However, I still think that your parents could have let you live semi independently in a supportive housing situation for adults. They have private apartments which are supervised by medical staff. I get why your parents wanted to marry you off but it smacks a bit too much of handing you over as a child. Your husband could have been a predator. Good thing he is a loving an patient man.

 

Feel free to send me a private message if you need to chat. It's so easy for people to look down on you and judge without knowing the real story.

[BettyDraper]

It's likely that you will get the $400 back - online banking fraud is usually traceable and even though it will take time, you will usually get your money returned to you.

 

'All' your money cannot theoretically be stolen with only 'half a chance of justice', it is the reason why there are limits for ATM withdrawals, online banking transactions are always reversible, etc. That being said if your email account was hacked I would strongly suggest doing a clean reformat of your computer (and maybe phone, if you use your phone to access it) and changing your password.

 

That being said, we cope with it because it's just... life. ANYTHING and ANYONE can be taken from you with little to no warning. Anyone could be diagnosed with terminal cancer at any time, for instance. World War III could erupt and end in nuclear warfare. Political/economic instability could render your currency and all your savings worthless.

 

It is very concerning that you are so insulated from real world truths that something like a $400 debit card fraud is such a huge shocker to you. If you were living paycheck to paycheck and that $400 would have caused you to be unable to pay rent and get evicted, then I could understand a reaction of this magnitude. But in your case the only thing that happens is that you can't buy your partner the gift that you want at the time that you want, and that MAYBE you can't get the trip you want at the time that you want. It's really not 'stay up all night crying' material to the average person.

 

Yes fraud sucks and it isn't fair, but life was never meant to be fair. There isn't really someone balancing all the checkbooks and making sure everyone gets dealt a fair hand.

 

Isn't it obvious that RB is not "the average person?"

Why does everyone keep judging her by the standards of those who are not ill?

[RomanticBride]

My husband did book us a weekend stay in a very nice resort with a spa and a bar and a ballroom. I think it's absolutely exquisite and divine! And I've bought him his present and I'm in the process of writing out his card, so our anniversary is saved!

 

It would have been nice to receive a real diamond engagement ring as a fifth anniversary present, but I can understand perfectly why that's not happening, and I don't hold any bitterness towards him. Perhaps for Christmas.

 

Meanwhile, we share a credit card, and he has allowed me to use it, rather than the debit card, for transport and Amazon purchases. Perhaps that will be safer. And Ste does not seem so incredibly upset anymore, which is excellent. Nothing can truly be ill if my Sweet Darling is well. I'm just trying to keep breathing until I feel less threatened.

[ChickiePops]

Isn't it obvious that RB is not "the average person?"

Why does everyone keep judging her by the standards of those who are not ill?

 

Because she has no back up plan. Her husband is still relatively young and taking on a seriously ill wife is a big deal. Not to mention the fact that he preyed on a 15 year old child. No matter how prettily the OP wants to put it, that is straight up pedophilia..and who's to say he won't leave her for a younger model? Life is not a Disney movie and she is not a princess..she has no more idea what's going to happen than anyone here does.

 

She has admitted that she will crumble if he leaves. It's not smart of either the OP or her parents to not prepare for this. They also need to prepare her for what will happen when her parents aren't around anymore. Someone with health issues this severe needs to have a contingency plan in place.

 

She needs to be her own person so that she knows how to survive without the circle of protection if she needs to.

[Aniela]

My husband did book us a weekend stay in a very nice resort with a spa and a bar and a ballroom. I think it's absolutely exquisite and divine! And I've bought him his present and I'm in the process of writing out his card, so our anniversary is saved!

 

It would have been nice to receive a real diamond engagement ring as a fifth anniversary present, but I can understand perfectly why that's not happening, and I don't hold any bitterness towards him. Perhaps for Christmas.

 

Meanwhile, we share a credit card, and he has allowed me to use it, rather than the debit card, for transport and Amazon purchases. Perhaps that will be safer. And Ste does not seem so incredibly upset anymore, which is excellent. Nothing can truly be ill if my Sweet Darling is well. I'm just trying to keep breathing until I feel less threatened.

 

My sister had a problem with Amazon, and her credit card number being used there. So be careful.

 

Also: it's a shared card, it's yours as well. I don't see why you would need permission to use it.

[Aniela]

Because she has no back up plan. Her husband is still relatively young and taking on a seriously ill wife is a big deal. Not to mention the fact that he preyed on a 15 year old child. No matter how prettily the OP wants to put it, that is straight up pedophilia..and who's to say he won't leave her for a younger model? Life is not a Disney movie and she is not a princess..she has no more idea what's going to happen than anyone here does.

 

She has admitted that she will crumble if he leaves. It's not smart of either the OP or her parents to not prepare for this. They also need to prepare her for what will happen when her parents aren't around anymore. Someone with health issues this severe needs to have a contingency plan in place.

 

She needs to be her own person so that she knows how to survive without the circle of protection if she needs to.

 

Yes, this. Speaking as someone who dealt with agoraphobia in the past, and still lives with family - it sucks to be scared of losing them, not only for the obvious reasons, but also because you will be on your own and not knowing what to do. I've lost one parent, which was hard enough. Dealing with that is going to get worse before it gets better.

[Els]

Isn't it obvious that RB is not "the average person?"

Why does everyone keep judging her by the standards of those who are not ill?

 

She specifically ASKED 'how do ordinary people cope with truths like this'? I answered her.

 

I agree that a few people have been quite harsh on her, but many of us are actually trying to help. People who suffer from anxiety are still people and can still follow logic. FWIW, I suffer from anxiety myself.

 

In my view, by coddling her and lashing out at anyone who offers any advice except for "You are totally fine, carry on!", you are doing her more harm than good.

[BettyDraper]

She specifically ASKED 'how do ordinary people cope with truths like this'? I answered her.

 

I agree that a few people have been quite harsh on her, but many of us are actually trying to help. People who suffer from anxiety are still people and can still follow logic. FWIW, I suffer from anxiety myself.

 

In my view, by coddling her and lashing out at anyone who offers any advice except for "You are totally fine, carry on!", you are doing her more harm than good.

 

I'm lashing out because I don't think shaming the OP is helpful.

 

Normally I agree with a tough love approach but being insensitive to someone in a dire situation solves nothing.

 

RB is smart enough to know that she is unwell and that doesn't need to be reinforced. She's clearly made amazing strides but many who have posted in this thread have not focused on that.

 

I agree that there is still much work to be done though. I just choose to word that differently because I understand the effects of mental illness coexisting with physical challenges. Not everyone gets that though.