Possibly ghosted after 2 months of dating ?

[lillian39530]

I'll chip in and say I am going through the same thing.

 

Ghosted after a promising start. I just left it fully intending to never hear from them again.

 

They did get back in touch, we met again and they have done it again.

 

I haven't seen or heard from them for a week. Not even one text.

 

Distance and aloofness may make you look more appealing as they wonder why you are not chasing them. But if they come back, as soon as you meet with them again, they know they can vanish on you and you will still have them back, so they will most likely vanish again.

 

It is a lose lose situation. If you chase them, you push them away. If you let them back after a ghosting, they know they can do it and you will tolerate it.

 

The only way to win this game is walk away. Hard though that is.

 

I really like your advises here. Thank you for sharing that. I know deep down you're right. Seems that I have to make some mistakes again to be at peace though !!

[lillian39530]

Are you serious!! Lillian, this man is barely aware of your existence. What do you hope to accomplish? Convince him to like you again? his feelings are gone, for what ever reasons, it doesn't matter why but they are gone. I had perfect relationship bailed on me after 2-3 months, it happens. You accept it and move on. A man that really liked you would never have done this to you, he would have had a <conversation> about it ! He would not have bailed after 2 months dating and sleeping together.

 

I know you're probably right Many thanks for your opinion. I'll let you guys know what happened this week end.

[lillian39530]

I think it is hard for people like the OP and I because we are very clear in what we want. Either I like someone and want to see them again or I dont.

 

There isnt really much in between. Either I enjoy someones time or not.

 

Guys like this confuse us because we know we wouldnt be so horrible as to waste someones time and keep them as an option: we just wouldnt do it.

 

So that is why we question motives when they blow hot and cold. We dont get it.

 

OMG that's exactly it!! A guy I don't like that much, I don't even bother for a second date and I save us time (both of us). It's hard for me to get interested in someone, but when I do, it doesn't go away after two months, never.

[Saracena]

So Lillian, are you actually meeting up tonight then?

[meeji]

At the moment you start questioning just take it as a sign he is not into you enough to pursue with him.

 

I totally agree with this statement. I think as women, we sometimes get wrapped up in the butterflies and fantasies of what we want to happen and we ignore the obvious signs,

 

When you get that gut feeling follow it.. It's usually right.

[lana-banana]

Oh, I cringed reading this thread. This guy doesn't want to date you but is willing to keep you on the line for an occasional hookup. That's it, period, end of story.

 

Right now, I don't feel like wasting my time much longer. I need to have answers. He obviously has an explanation for this change of attitude - is it that he met someone new? Is it that he wants to take things more slowly? is it that he just plainly lost interest in me? Is it that he had a massive turista? I need to know!

 

No you don't. Don't get me wrong; ghosting is horrible and after three dates you owe someone at least the courtesy of a phone call, but you can't control his behavior. Even though he does have a reason he is not going to give it to you. Do you really think he's going to say "Hi, Lillian, you're pretty and all but I don't have any desire to date you, although I'd like to have sex every now and then until I meet someone I really want to date"? Of course not. He's going to make mealymouthed excuses about being busy and hope you'll eventually give up. He is not interested, he doesn't want to date you, and he's never going to say it directly to your face.

 

The good news is you can control your behavior, and that means recognizing this guy is a lost cause. I assure you hearing it in person isn't going to make you feel any better or somehow prove in your mind that it's over. You need to accept it for yourself. Realize you deserve much better than this, delete his number, and start to move on.

[Zapbasket]

I know how horrible it feels to be always wondering, always left hanging, never sure where you stand.

 

The thing is, any ONE of these situations is a sign that the relationship, or potential for a relationship, doesn't exist in the way that is healthy, affirming, and right for you. It's one of those cases where the answer is already in the question, or to put it another way, the question IS the answer. So really, you already have what you need; you don't need to hear it from him.

 

That said, I do get needing the whole truth. I'm very much wired for hard truth, too. I think the key is not to stand there, immobilized by your wondering. Either decide that you can emotionally handle taking his silence as sufficient "answer," or decide you need to get the hard truth, and call him or go find him in person and corner him into outright telling you he doesn't want you. You're right that you deserve an explanation...it's just that he's not going to voluntarily give one to you, so you may have to force it out of him. And there's no indignity in getting in his face and demanding an explanation, but if he's wishy-washy, or blunt (doubt he'd do that), or nasty, don't hang around trying to "understand." Take the answer you get and go, and never look back.

[Gaeta]

The people that cannot read into actions and are craving a verbal 'answer', are often not satisfied what ever the answer is. The answer just opens more questions and it's a never ending quest.

 

Example:

 

Him: I don't know why but my feelings changed.

Her: but why?

Him: I don't know it just did

Her: Did I say or do something that made you change your mind?

Him: No they just changed

Her: Can I do something to make it better?

Him: No it is what it is

Her: You want to take it slow?

and it will never end, she will never be happy no matter the answer he gives her.

[Redhead14]

If you chase a ghost, you will hit the wall . . . In other words, even if you talk to him and ask him all your questions, it's still gonna hurt. You don't want to know what they really are thinking, trust me. He may say, "I'm sorry but my feelings have change, while really thinking, her ass is too big or she's boring, or I'd rather have that chick with the big boobs I met while on vacation.

 

If they ghost, they are cowards and can't deal with any confrontation. They aren't able to empathize, they're hollow and empty -- ghosts.

[Saracena]

., "I'm sorry but my feelings have change, while really thinking, her ass is too big or she's boring, or I'd rather have that chick with the big boobs I met while on vacation..

 

 

OR that incident over the STD really p*ssed me off! While I agree with the general sentiments about ghosts and how they operate, truth is none of us *know* what's really going on with this guy.

 

 

OP, unless HE's firmed up about tonight's arrangements, I wouldn't contact him again. Even so I would tread carefully. Keep an open mind.

 

Keep us updated.

[JDPT]

Maybe true, but if she's dealing with a guy like this she should probably move on to better prospects. Real men don't play games like this.

 

I agree. And real women set real boundaries when dealing with guys like this.

[Saracena]

Any updates Lillian?

[lillian39530]

Any updates Lillian?

 

Hey guys, thank you for all your thoughts. Many good advises here from people who seem to have been out there!!

 

I should have keep you updated before but I had to work this week end.

 

So the dude texted me on Friday pm, telling me his Dad asked him to have diner with him on Friday and, could we postpone Sunday night? I was so mad I nearly never answered. I know he has issues with his dad and that was probably a big deal but, it's not nice to always be the plan B.

 

On Sunday night (yesterday), I didn't have any news at 6 so I texted him that I was not happy he was ghosting me and that there were better ways to end a relationship (didn't use that word though - we speak french).

 

He replied that he was still available to talk. I needed to end things and to know the truth and not to carry this during the week after that, so I asked him to come to my place at a precise hour. He did, and I force myself not to be mad, we chatted a bit and I asked him what was he thinking about us.

 

Basically, I told him that him not being present at all since two weeks made me drift away. That if his ultimate goal was to make me more and more disinterested, it was working. I told him that I had a nice summer with him, I wish this could continue on but I was not in love and needed to know what was he thinking, and needed to be paid more respect.

 

He told me he didn't know I felt that way, that he was overwhelmed with work until next week and he did not intend to hurt me but that thinking about it, it was true that he had treat me has a plan B since two weeks.

 

I told him that I didn't need to see him every week but needed to know he was still there otherwise I couldn't continue.

 

Being a passive and shy person, it was a really hard thing for me to do. Now I regret not having asked more questions and I'm afraid I looked too desinterested, for I am not.

 

We agreed he would still come with me to the (previously stated) wedding and that we were still "a thing". He went home after that, which was sort of a relief because I have a huge week ahead of me and that means he would have basically done 1hour 30 minutes of transit in pouring rain just for a 45 minutes talk with me - and that it wasn't just for sex.

 

I was pretty content with that yesterday but today I'm not sure. I don't blame myself because I pushed my limits and did my best but there are still things that I wish I could have asked.... :/

[Gaeta]

H he would have basically done 1hour 30 minutes of transit in pouring rain just for a 45 minutes talk with me - and that it wasn't just for sex.

 

I was pretty content with that yesterday but today I'm not sure. I don't blame myself because I pushed my limits and did my best but there are still things that I wish I could have asked.... :/

 

You mean you had sex and he was out of your place in 45 mins?

 

So if we summarize it.

 

You told him you felt like plan B.

He said yes, now that you mention it he did treat you like a plan B and he was not aware you felt like a plan B.

 

And that was it.

 

No apology,

No remorse,

No soon he will have time for you,

 

None of that.

[Mkn1010]

Did you ask him anything at all about the significant timing of the STD chat?

[Gaeta]

We agreed he would still come with me to the (previously stated) wedding and that we were still "a thing".

 

And what is that 'thing' that you are? as per him.

[lillian39530]

And what is that 'thing' that you are? as per him.

 

No no we didn't have sex, far from that, barely touched except he hugged me for 2 minutes when he left.

 

We agreed we were still seeing each other, possibly not that much until next week, for his overwhelming rush at work will be over by the end of the week... I think I will see what happens of all of this, and soon make a decision.

 

I'm glad we talked things through, and feel more empowered.

[Redhead14]

I'm sorry, but you accomplished nothing. You are still hanging. If he were serious about being a "thing" and now knowing how you've been feeling, he would have said something like, "I'm sorry you've been feeling that way, and , I'll call you tomorrow after I rearrange my schedule and we will go to dinner on Xday, at Xtime, at Xplace. Not use the busy with work "thing" for another week . . . you're stringing yourself along.

 

You are still at square one, which is nowhere. If you're going to have a conversation like that, you need to come away with something significant/tangible in order to feel empowered.

 

I understand that it was a big step to you and it's good that you did that, but all you've done is postpone the inevitable . . .

 

I hope he steps things up and makes you more of a priority now that you've expressed your needs, but I doubt it.

[bachdude]

Yea, Lillian....it just doesn't look good from my perspective. I think you know.

 

 

He cancels Friday night last minute and offers Sunday. But Sunday evening comes around and still no word until 6 pm. YOU had to be the one to contact him.

 

 

It's just not the behavior of someone who is passionate and really wants to see you. He's as cold as a clam, dry as toast.

 

 

You can do better.

[Mkn1010]

Have to say bachdude is correct. And there's a communication issue here, you haven't resolved the root cause of WHY he's pulled back. Work stuff is NOT the root cause, in my opinion.

 

 

Do not feel like you caused this because you were sooooo not the needy type to go chasing after he pulled back. In fact, I think it may even have confirmed what I think he may be thinking, which is that your interest/investment level here is low and he isn't feeling safe to continue to let his feelings grow. This seems to be the case as when you confronted him face-to-face, you were very level (non emotional) and you even said yourself that you appeared disinterested.

 

 

You said to him: "That if his ultimate goal was to make me more and more disinterested, it was working."

 

This is not solid ground where either of you will feel safe to continue developing feelings.

 

Just my take on it!

Edited August 23, 2016 by Mkn1010

[Redhead14]

I actually think the opposite is true . . . she was exuding neediness and desperateness by attempting to pretend otherwise . . . which actually bites you in the ass. The best way to not appear needy or desperate is to actually not be needy or desperate. A woman who is not needy or desperate would not have felt the need to address this at all. She would have been gone as soon as she wasn't feeling like a priority.

[Mkn1010]

I disagree with the above completely! That is surely one way to deal if you're a non emotional individual who develops no feelings after two months of dating! And can walk away without even a peep after intergrating their lives as they had been doing! That would be one DISCONNECTED and SCARY person if you ask me!!

[mortensorchid]

Yes, I am afraid you are being ghosted. For whatever reason he is not interested anymore. It happened to me a few years ago after we'd been together for about six months. I forced myself to move on.

 

You'll be okay. Walk away without screaming and tantrums or demanding, it just isn't meant to be. It's lousy but it's what it is.

[Gaeta]

I actually think the opposite is true . . . she was exuding neediness and desperateness by attempting to pretend otherwise . . . which actually bites you in the ass. The best way to not appear needy or desperate is to actually not be needy or desperate. A woman who is not needy or desperate would not have felt the need to address this at all. She would have been gone as soon as she wasn't feeling like a priority.

 

And I think when 2 people really like each other a little show of neediness isn't going to chase them away. Having relationship needs is normal. We talk about 'needs' as if it's some type of mental illness. We are all human beings with emotional needs, the problem arise when we forget about those needs and try to push them back. Usually that is how we end up dating inattentive jerks for weeks or months.

[Redhead14]

And I think when 2 people really like each other a little show of neediness isn't going to chase them away. Having relationship needs is normal. We talk about 'needs' as if it's some type of mental illness. We are all human beings with emotional needs, the problem arise when we forget about those needs and try to push them back. Usually that is how we end up dating inattentive jerks for weeks or months.

 

Of course, having relationship needs is normal. But, this was not a "relationship" -- yet. And, you are correct, a little show of neediness isn't going to chase them away unless they simply weren't that interested anyway.

 

She finally addressed it with him and she'll have to just observe now.