Possibly ghosted after 2 months of dating ?

[Gaeta]

Let us know how it goes. Maybe it's nothing at all and he has a good explanation.

[mac25]

He's not ghosting. He's pulling away. I will tell you why in a second.

 

First, this guy is into you. Everything you described about the first weeks of dating are all signs that he likes you.

 

Fast forward two months in, it looks like there is starting to be a discrepancy in expectations. This is totally normal, and usually surfaces around 2-3 months in. When the masks start to drop.

 

Sounds to me you expect guys you date to stay in touch on a regular basis.

 

He was doing it on his own volition in the start, because well, all those happy hormones motivate us into action. When someone texts regularly they are actually unknowingly setting that expectation.

 

When the relationship start to feel a little more stable and comfortable, he will stop communicating so often. Naturally this sets off an internal alert, because there's a fundamental change in behaviour. The alert will be much louder if you've been hurt in the past.

 

Now on his side he senses these expectation from you. Expectation = Obligation.

 

He is now pulling away in an effort to regain his balance. No person, men nor women, wants to feel as if they have to act out of obligation. So, at this point here are your options:

 

1) Sit and stew in confusion and frustration. I guarantee that if you do this, you will feel like ****.

 

It's counter-intuitive, but by playing the same card as him and pulling-away, you will only convey neediness. This will turn him off even more. The only way not texting him would get him to pull back towards you is if you genuinely did not give a ****, but you clearly do.

 

2) Text him. Tell him you want to hang out.

 

When you see him next, express your expectations in a level headed and positive way. It will show confidence and will show that you have boundaries and you don't put up with inconsistent behaviour. More importantly doing this will give you an invaluable sense of agency and control.

 

3) End it. If either option above sounds to scary. Just bounce. It's a good neutral last option. Do it in a positive and friendly way. This was fun, no hard feelings, and move on.

 

 

Closing thought - sounds to me like you may be tying your self-esteem and worth to another persons actions. IE: If he reaches out it means he likes me, I feel validated now! Again, he is probably starting to sense this and is pulling away.

 

Show him that you have internal self-worth without him. The only was to do that is to communicate your boundaries and needs verbally. AKA option 2. People are not mind readers.

 

To quote my one of my fav songs of the moment "Girl, he only ****ed you over cuz you let him".

 

Good luck.

[JDPT]

From a guys perspective and emphasizing the already stated, I would have been highly offended and would have cut all ties with you regardless of our past, which was btw very brief from what I gather from your story. Next time be upfront about being exclusive with someone and don't use code or subliminals. We live, we learn.

[lillian39530]

He's not ghosting. He's pulling away. I will tell you why in a second.

 

First, this guy is into you. Everything you described about the first weeks of dating are all signs that he likes you.

 

Fast forward two months in, it looks like there is starting to be a discrepancy in expectations. This is totally normal, and usually surfaces around 2-3 months in. When the masks start to drop.

 

Sounds to me you expect guys you date to stay in touch on a regular basis.

 

He was doing it on his own volition in the start, because well, all those happy hormones motivate us into action. When someone texts regularly they are actually unknowingly setting that expectation.

 

When the relationship start to feel a little more stable and comfortable, he will stop communicating so often. Naturally this sets off an internal alert, because there's a fundamental change in behaviour. The alert will be much louder if you've been hurt in the past.

 

Now on his side he senses these expectation from you. Expectation = Obligation.

 

He is now pulling away in an effort to regain his balance. No person, men nor women, wants to feel as if they have to act out of obligation. So, at this point here are your options:

 

1) Sit and stew in confusion and frustration. I guarantee that if you do this, you will feel like ****.

 

It's counter-intuitive, but by playing the same card as him and pulling-away, you will only convey neediness. This will turn him off even more. The only way not texting him would get him to pull back towards you is if you genuinely did not give a ****, but you clearly do.

 

2) Text him. Tell him you want to hang out.

 

When you see him next, express your expectations in a level headed and positive way. It will show confidence and will show that you have boundaries and you don't put up with inconsistent behaviour. More importantly doing this will give you an invaluable sense of agency and control.

 

3) End it. If either option above sounds to scary. Just bounce. It's a good neutral last option. Do it in a positive and friendly way. This was fun, no hard feelings, and move on.

 

 

Closing thought - sounds to me like you may be tying your self-esteem and worth to another persons actions. IE: If he reaches out it means he likes me, I feel validated now! Again, he is probably starting to sense this and is pulling away.

 

Show him that you have internal self-worth without him. The only was to do that is to communicate your boundaries and needs verbally. AKA option 2. People are not mind readers.

 

To quote my one of my fav songs of the moment "Girl, he only ****ed you over cuz you let him".

 

Good luck.

 

 

What an nice analysis of yours - thank you for that. I am amazed how much of me you decoded by only reading few posts. I am clearly conscious that I am seeking for validation and my insecurities are starting to reappear/ as I am put in a situation that I experienced in the past (i.e. ghosting) and where I lost a lot of self-worth. I need to regain control of that all.

 

I will execute Plan B on Tuesday and keep you posted.

[lillian39530]

From a guys perspective and emphasizing the already stated, I would have been highly offended and would have cut all ties with you regardless of our past, which was btw very brief from what I gather from your story. Next time be upfront about being exclusive with someone and don't use code or subliminals. We live, we learn.

 

This is what I don't understand - offended by what precisely? That I didn't expect him to be exclusive with me? !

[Redhead14]

Hey guys! I hope you can help me with this.

 

I've been seeing this guy for 2 months now. We met through friends and we had a great connection from the start. On our fourth date, we decided to take a day off at work and go to NYC for the long week-end, took the plane and all. It was a fabulous last-minute trip, we had so much fun and we got along well. We both loved the idea of being spontaneous and crazy. We continued to see each other after that about twice a week. Everything was going very well, we did many fun activities, hung out with his siblings and our mutual friends, until last week, when I started having doubts.

 

I'll try to make it short: On Monday, I texted him, and we had a friendly discussion. On Tuesday, he texted me, same thing. On Wednesday, I texted him an article to read (the subject was an inside joke of ours) and he never replied. I didn't hear from him until Saturday, when I texted him to see if he was still wiling to go biking, an idea he had suggest. He said yes and we had a great day, although I felt he was a little distant. On Sunday morning he left my place and I told him: "I know you're busy with work this week but I'm free Thursday or Friday so let me know if you wanna hang out".

 

On Monday, we had a brief exchanges of texts messages (initiated by me), and my last message, where I told him "I had a great week end :)" was NEVER answered.

 

It is Friday night, four days later, silence radio! I'm so sad, I've been ghosted in the past and I have a feeling it will happen again with him. I'm super sad because I thought things were going great, he even agreed to be my plus-one at a wedding in September, he told me last week he hasn't had sex with other girls since me, I mean, W T F ? Wouldn't a guy that is interested in a girl would want to see her on the week end, or at least, care that she knows he's not available? I feel very sad and I don't know what do to. Should I text him? After how much time? Or do I immediately throw away his toothbrush in the garbage can and never text him again? Need help!

 

Thank you in advance! Lillian xx

 

Wouldn't a guy that is interested in a girl would want to see her on the week end, or at least, care that she knows he's not available? -- Yes, a guy that is interested in a girl would want to see her on the weekend or . . .

 

This guy isn't interested.

 

he told me last week he hasn't had sex with other girls since me

-- That's only a big deal if he's had opportunities that he's passed on.

 

Or do I immediately throw away his toothbrush in the garbage can -- throw it in the garbage can, burn it, use it on the dog and if he does finally contact you again without a credible reason for disappearing, have him over one more time

 

Don't reach out to him again. Sit back and observe. Sit back and observe.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Redhead14

[TXGuy]

This is what I don't understand - offended by what precisely? That I didn't expect him to be exclusive with me? !

 

"Are you disease ridden? Did you give me something? Well did you? You were probably sleeping with other women the whole time we were together!?"

 

Now, that is a bit over the top, but it can give a little bit of the vibe above.

 

That, and he knew you were going to get checked anyway (or you should). You were obviously asking if he had seen other women while pretending ti was health related (game playing/lying).

Edited August 15, 2016 by TXGuy

[Saracena]

Well, I told him I had a appointment with my GP and wanted to know if I had to tests for stds since we never talked about exclusiveness.

 

And he told me blankly : "you actually want to know if I had sex with other girls since we started dating?"

 

I said: "Well that's is not exactly my question, though yes I'd like to know. But please note that if the answer if yes, I will be sad, but I won't be mad because we never talked about it and I guess you had all the rights"

 

He said: "Well no I didn't, don't worry".

 

That a was the last time I saw him BTW.

 

 

Frankly, I'm not at all surprised. Guys veer towards situations/people that make them feel good. Aside from the obvious ie him being offended by the STD implication-there's something else about this conversation that would leave me feeling very 'uneasy' indeed!!

 

Currently, I can't put my finger on it (and I'm female, supposedly more 'in tune' with my emotions so in all probability he feels even more bewidered!) but, quite unlike those moments that draw us closer in a relationship, this would have the opposite effect. However, I do think he sounded into you prior to this.

 

Incidentally, how old are you two?

[Grisho]

Can we have an update please? I am struggling to see any reason for him disappearing.

[Gaeta]

Can we have an update please? I am struggling to see any reason for him disappearing.

 

If I remember well she said she will text him Tuesday. We have another 24 hrs to go.

[lillian39530]

Frankly, I'm not at all surprised. Guys veer towards situations/people that make them feel good. Aside from the obvious ie him being offended by the STD implication-there's something else about this conversation that would leave me feeling very 'uneasy' indeed!!

 

Currently, I can't put my finger on it (and I'm female, supposedly more 'in tune' with my emotions so in all probability he feels even more bewidered!) but, quite unlike those moments that draw us closer in a relationship, this would have the opposite effect. However, I do think he sounded into you prior to this.

 

Incidentally, how old are you two?

 

Thank you for you thoughts. I thought he was into me as well but as experience told us, it doesn't mean anything.

 

I know this sounds like we are 19 or 20 (because the 3 other times I was ghosted I was around that age) but no, we are 27, soon 28! And we both are professionals, having a normal adult life, so this is what makes me even MORE flabberghasted, because I realize he is SO immature.

[Redhead14]

Thank you for you thoughts. I thought he was into me as well but as experience told us, it doesn't mean anything.

 

I know this sounds like we are 19 or 20 (because the 3 other times I was ghosted I was around that age) but no, we are 27, soon 28! And we both are professionals, having a normal adult life, so this is what makes me even MORE flabberghasted, because I realize he is SO immature.

 

That's what dating is about -- getting to know someone. It's a process of evaluation and revelations. Now you know who he is and fairly early. Brush yourself off and continue being the really great woman you are and always will be with or without a man. You don't need a man to make you happy. A man should only enhance the happiness you already have for yourself.

[Grisho]

Did anything happen today?

[JDPT]

This is what I don't understand - offended by what precisely? That I didn't expect him to be exclusive with me? !

 

(after sleeping with you)

 

hey lillian should I go get tested for stds now?

 

did that offend you?

 

if you say no then I really think you aren't being honest with yourself.

[lillian39530]

(after sleeping with you)

 

hey lillian should I go get tested for stds now?

 

did that offend you?

 

if you say no then I really think you aren't being honest with yourself.

 

Lol! I see what you mean. But what I said was more like "hey we're having unprotected sex. How can I assume you don't do that with every girl you meet?".

[lillian39530]

That's what dating is about -- getting to know someone. It's a process of evaluation and revelations. Now you know who he is and fairly early. Brush yourself off and continue being the really great woman you are and always will be with or without a man. You don't need a man to make you happy. A man should only enhance the happiness you already have for yourself.

 

Thank you for that wonderfully kind message <3

[lillian39530]

Did anything happen today?

 

Ok so yes, after taking into consideration all the kind and constructive advises I got here, I decided to text him tonight, because I had to. Nothing to loose, and an explanation to get, deep down.

 

I asked him how he was and if he wanted to get a drink.

 

He replied (?! Didn't even hope for that) not too long, saying "Hey I'm pretty good, and you? I would be only free Friday, is that ok for you?"

 

And then I agreed, and he didn't reply to that text (of course).

 

I'm hoping to gather the courage to ask him on Friday if he still wants to continue pursuing this "relationship" we have (meanwhile I'll try finding another word for that - so he doesn't get scared even more) - because right now I don't feel like he is. Something like that.

 

Do you guys have any suggestions about what should I tell him? I'm already so turned off by his lack of words and the fact that he doen't seem to care - but at the same time, I'm still attached to what we had and wish things could get better. Any advice is welcome. Thanks again you guys xx

[getsmartie]

Ok so yes, after taking into consideration all the kind and constructive advises I got here, I decided to text him tonight, because I had to. Nothing to loose, and an explanation to get, deep down.

 

I asked him how he was and if he wanted to get a drink.

 

He replied (?! Didn't even hope for that) not too long, saying "Hey I'm pretty good, and you? I would be only free Friday, is that ok for you?"

 

And then I agreed, and he didn't reply to that text (of course).

 

I'm hoping to gather the courage to ask him on Friday if he still wants to continue pursuing this "relationship" we have (meanwhile I'll try finding another word for that - so he doesn't get scared even more) - because right now I don't feel like he is. Something like that.

 

Do you guys have any suggestions about what should I tell him? I'm already so turned off by his lack of words and the fact that he doen't seem to care - but at the same time, I'm still attached to what we had and wish things could get better. Any advice is welcome. Thanks again you guys xx

 

Why would you bother chasing this guy? I would have just let him go since he clearly isn't matching your effort.

 

Now that you've text him please don't text him back on Friday to confirm your plans.

[JDPT]

Ok so yes, after taking into consideration all the kind and constructive advises I got here, I decided to text him tonight, because I had to. Nothing to loose, and an explanation to get, deep down.

 

I asked him how he was and if he wanted to get a drink.

 

He replied (?! Didn't even hope for that) not too long, saying "Hey I'm pretty good, and you? I would be only free Friday, is that ok for you?"

 

And then I agreed, and he didn't reply to that text (of course).

 

I'm hoping to gather the courage to ask him on Friday if he still wants to continue pursuing this "relationship" we have (meanwhile I'll try finding another word for that - so he doesn't get scared even more) - because right now I don't feel like he is. Something like that.

 

Do you guys have any suggestions about what should I tell him? I'm already so turned off by his lack of words and the fact that he doen't seem to care - but at the same time, I'm still attached to what we had and wish things could get better. Any advice is welcome. Thanks again you guys xx

 

No offense, I've dealt with girls like you and your persistence comes off as a complete turn off. He knows he has you and before you know it you'll be the 3am chick if you know what I mean.

[JDPT]

Lol! I see what you mean. But what I said was more like "hey we're having unprotected sex. How can I assume you don't do that with every girl you meet?".

 

and that's exactly what you should have asked him.

[sin miedo]

No offense, I've dealt with girls like you and your persistence comes off as a complete turn off. He knows he has you and before you know it you'll be the 3am chick if you know what I mean.

 

Maybe true, but if she's dealing with a guy like this she should probably move on to better prospects. Real men don't play games like this.

[aries85]

Hey Lillian,

 

I'm kind of going through the same thing so hoping we can share some insight!

 

Reading your posts, I felt like you started getting a little pushy and took on more of the initiating (but I'm not one to talk, I bet I'm the same way when it's me in the situation).

 

I've debated about confronting him, I just hate playing games and I want to know what's going on! But from a tactical point of view, I think maybe acting distance and aloof will give you a better chance of getting him interested again, that is if you still want him. Otherwise the whole giving him a piece of your mind thing is pretty satisfying.

 

As for me, I'm going to attempt to try distance and aloof first, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to maintain it until I can't keep me cool anymore...

 

Hoping it works out with you!

[JDPT]

Maybe true, but if she's dealing with a guy like this she should probably move on to better prospects. Real men don't play games like this.

 

Well it seems to me like he's been playing for a little while now and op is just going along for the ride. And real women should start setting some boundaries.

[DramaInPajamas]

Lol! I see what you mean. But what I said was more like "hey we're having unprotected sex. How can I assume you don't do that with every girl you meet?".

 

That is the question you ask before you have unprotected sex, not weeks after.

 

You've been abroad together and had nice times and now you are questioning whether he will even confirm your vague plans for Friday. He has lost interest in a big way.

 

Dont chase him up about it.

[DramaInPajamas]

Hey Lillian,

 

I'm kind of going through the same thing so hoping we can share some insight!

 

Reading your posts, I felt like you started getting a little pushy and took on more of the initiating (but I'm not one to talk, I bet I'm the same way when it's me in the situation).

 

I've debated about confronting him, I just hate playing games and I want to know what's going on! But from a tactical point of view, I think maybe acting distance and aloof will give you a better chance of getting him interested again, that is if you still want him. Otherwise the whole giving him a piece of your mind thing is pretty satisfying.

 

As for me, I'm going to attempt to try distance and aloof first, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to maintain it until I can't keep me cool anymore...

 

Hoping it works out with you!

 

I'll chip in and say I am going through the same thing.

 

Ghosted after a promising start. I just left it fully intending to never hear from them again.

 

They did get back in touch, we met again and they have done it again.

 

I haven't seen or heard from them for a week. Not even one text.

 

Distance and aloofness may make you look more appealing as they wonder why you are not chasing them. But if they come back, as soon as you meet with them again, they know they can vanish on you and you will still have them back, so they will most likely vanish again.

 

It is a lose lose situation. If you chase them, you push them away. If you let them back after a ghosting, they know they can do it and you will tolerate it.

 

The only way to win this game is walk away. Hard though that is.