Possibly ghosted after 2 months of dating ?

[Gaeta]

I asked him how he was and if he wanted to get a drink.

 

He replied (?! Didn't even hope for that) not too long, saying "Hey I'm pretty good, and you? I would be only free Friday, is that ok for you?"

 

And then I agreed, and he didn't reply to that text (of course).

 

Are you serious!! Lillian, this man is barely aware of your existence. What do you hope to accomplish? Convince him to like you again? his feelings are gone, for what ever reasons, it doesn't matter why but they are gone. I had perfect relationship bailed on me after 2-3 months, it happens. You accept it and move on. A man that really liked you would never have done this to you, he would have had a <conversation> about it ! He would not have bailed after 2 months dating and sleeping together.

[DramaInPajamas]

Are you serious!! Lillian, this man is barely aware of your existence. What do you hope to accomplish? Convince him to like you again? his feelings are gone, for what ever reasons, it doesn't matter why but they are gone. I had perfect relationship bailed on me after 2-3 months, it happens. You accept it and move on. A man that really liked you would never have done this to you, he would have had a <conversation> about it ! He would not have bailed after 2 months dating and sleeping together.

 

What makes it even worse is he isnt even cutting her loose by a total ghosting.

 

He is keeping her on a string as an option.

 

I have been through this before. I get attached easily. I am trying not to do it with this latest guy.

 

The difference is, I had real feeling for the last one and with latest guy, I am actually not that bothered.

[Grisho]

Hey Lillian,

 

I'm kind of going through the same thing so hoping we can share some insight!

 

Reading your posts, I felt like you started getting a little pushy and took on more of the initiating (but I'm not one to talk, I bet I'm the same way when it's me in the situation).

 

I've debated about confronting him, I just hate playing games and I want to know what's going on! But from a tactical point of view, I think maybe acting distance and aloof will give you a better chance of getting him interested again, that is if you still want him. Otherwise the whole giving him a piece of your mind thing is pretty satisfying.

 

As for me, I'm going to attempt to try distance and aloof first, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to maintain it until I can't keep me cool anymore...

 

Hoping it works out with you!

 

Alternatively, and far better for your wellbeing, set yourself some strong boundaries, and get rid of men who try to cross them. Don't wait to find out if they want something different... Don't wait to see if they decide they want you again... Get rid at the first sign of a boundary being crossed.

[clia]

Why are you needlessly prolonging this?

 

He had already filled up his weekend with plans that didn't include you. What does that tell you? Do you think that's normal behavior for a man who is interested in a woman? (Spoiler: It's not.)

 

I know it's hard, but you really just need to move on. He does not want a relationship with you.

[Grisho]

Why are you needlessly prolonging this?

 

He had already filled up his weekend with plans that didn't include you. What does that tell you? Do you think that's normal behavior for a man who is interested in a woman? (Spoiler: It's not.)

 

I know it's hard, but you really just need to move on. He does not want a relationship with you.

 

Just want to add to this, if I may.

 

Even if he did want a relationship, he's incompatible, and not going to be a good partner, so needs to be avoided by any right-thinking woman.

[DramaInPajamas]

I think it is hard for people like the OP and I because we are very clear in what we want. Either I like someone and want to see them again or I dont.

 

There isnt really much in between. Either I enjoy someones time or not.

 

Guys like this confuse us because we know we wouldnt be so horrible as to waste someones time and keep them as an option: we just wouldnt do it.

 

So that is why we question motives when they blow hot and cold. We dont get it.

[Gaeta]

Why are you needlessly prolonging this?

 

He had already filled up his weekend with plans that didn't include you. What does that tell you? Do you think that's normal behavior for a man who is interested in a woman? (Spoiler: It's not.)

 

I know it's hard, but you really just need to move on. He does not want a relationship with you.

 

And he is offering her to meet on Friday. Again not booking her on weekend time.

[Grisho]

I think it is hard for people like the OP and I because we are very clear in what we want. Either I like someone and want to see them again or I dont.

 

There isnt really much in between. Either I enjoy someones time or not.

 

Guys like this confuse us because we know we wouldnt be so horrible as to waste someones time and keep them as an option: we just wouldnt do it.

 

So that is why we question motives when they blow hot and cold. We dont get it.

 

What boundaries do you have?

[Gaeta]

So that is why we question motives when they blow hot and cold. We dont get it.

 

At the moment you start questioning just take it as a sign he is not into you enough to pursue with him.

[Gaeta]

I am going to say what I really think.

 

I think this guy did sleep with someone even though he told OP he had a clean test. I think he is scared out of his mind of her test results. He may even carry something and lied to her about being clean. Wouldn't be the first person to do that to have unprotected sex.

 

If indeed he had a clean test, and if indeed he had not slept with anyone since that test, her question would have barely been noticed. I think he bailed because he is a liar (about being tested) and he sleeps around. He probably tell the same story to all the women he meets.

[DramaInPajamas]

What boundaries do you have?

 

Not enough. I know that is a problem I need to work on.

 

I am easy going and forgiving but I haven't yet found one who doesnt use it to their advantage

[aries85]

I think it is hard for people like the OP and I because we are very clear in what we want. Either I like someone and want to see them again or I dont.

 

There isnt really much in between. Either I enjoy someones time or not.

 

Guys like this confuse us because we know we wouldnt be so horrible as to waste someones time and keep them as an option: we just wouldnt do it.

 

So that is why we question motives when they blow hot and cold. We dont get it.

 

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this as I'm exactly the same! I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's time and would rather it be black and white. After all, every minute I spend in "limbo" with a guy is time wasted that could be dedicated to another guy and finding what I really want.

 

That being said, I do think the best way to sort through these ambiguous guys is to just confront them. But it's hard all the same because sometimes you have that little ounce of hope....

[bachdude]

I don't understand all of this indirect communication. They slept together, spent time together, had long talks, spent a weekend together, etc. In that situation, if someone starts to go distant or cold, why is the advice to go distant too, or act as if it doesn't bother you... games, games, games.

 

 

Why not just pick up the phone, call, and talk to the other person and just ask, "I noticed you have been more distant lately is everything alright"? and go from there.

[JDPT]

Bottom line and from a guy's perspective OP, the guy is out doing his thing and squeezes you in whenever he has some free time. There isn't anything wrong with that, he waits for no one and neither should you. I would strongly suggest to move on as already suggested. You would benefit tremendously from hoping that one day things will be different and he'll end up giving you the attention that you so desire.

[aries85]

I don't understand all of this indirect communication. They slept together, spent time together, had long talks, spent a weekend together, etc. In that situation, if someone starts to go distant or cold, why is the advice to go distant too, or act as if it doesn't bother you... games, games, games.

 

 

Why not just pick up the phone, call, and talk to the other person and just ask, "I noticed you have been more distant lately is everything alright"? and go from there.

 

 

Because a lot of people are non confrontational/don't like to be the bearer of bad news so they'll deny deny deny that there's anything wrong and still ghost.

[Grisho]

Because a lot of people are non confrontational/don't like to be the bearer of bad news so they'll deny deny deny that there's anything wrong and still ghost.

 

That's irrelevant, though. If I am not being treated as I expect, or someone's doing something rendering us incompatible, my boundary means I end things and walk away. I move on.

[bachdude]

That's irrelevant, though. If I am not being treated as I expect, or someone's doing something rendering us incompatible, my boundary means I end things and walk away. I move on.

 

 

I prefer not to assume.

 

 

I've had situations where I would have thought it was a GF getting distant and it turned out to be a miscommunication or it was something that had nothing to do with me.

 

 

The problem is people assume the worst and don't communicate.

[Grisho]

I prefer not to assume.

 

 

I've had situations where I would have thought it was a GF getting distant and it turned out to be a miscommunication or it was something that had nothing to do with me.

 

 

The problem is people assume the worst and don't communicate.

 

You don't appear to understand what boundaries are. Why would a person with strong boundaries not communicate? That doesn't make any logical sense. A person with strong boundaries is a person with self-esteem, who would be very clear about why they are taking the steps they are.

[bachdude]

You don't appear to understand what boundaries are. Why would a person with strong boundaries not communicate? That doesn't make any logical sense. A person with strong boundaries is a person with self-esteem, who would be very clear about why they are taking the steps they are.

 

Oh brother.

 

 

What did you mean then when you said it's irrelevant, that you just walk away? Please understand people are going to take your comments in the context of the discussion at hand.

[Grisho]

Oh brother.

 

 

What did you mean then when you said it's irrelevant, that you just walk away? Please understand people are going to take your comments in the context of the discussion at hand.

 

As they should, hence me clearly typing "I end things". Wasn't that clear? How else would I end things, if I didn't communicate with the person? Genuinely baffled as to how you could have deduced something else.

[aries85]

I prefer not to assume.

 

 

I've had situations where I would have thought it was a GF getting distant and it turned out to be a miscommunication or it was something that had nothing to do with me.

 

 

The problem is people assume the worst and don't communicate.

 

 

But the problem with that is that when you confront someone and it really does have nothing to do with their interest in you, it can come off as being pushy or overly sensitive or overreacting, something of that nature.

 

For example, the guy I'm dating might be getting distant. We haven't had a lot of full on conversations over text recently and he hasn't asked me out in a couple weeks. But given that he just started working 6/7 days of the week and just got back from vacation (which explains the one week he didn't ask me out), I don't know what to think. He still sends me "how are you doing" texts most nights. If he really is just overwhelmed recently, I don't want to be that annoying person who demands more attention or I'm walking away. So I don't know if I should just sit tight and give him space.

[bachdude]

As they should, hence me clearly typing "I end things". Wasn't that clear? How else would I end things, if I didn't communicate with the person? Genuinely baffled as to how you could have deduced something else.

 

sigh

 

 

I posted as to why people just go distant without communicating. And Aries said it's because people are non confrontational. Then you said something about it's irrelevant and if your not being treated right you walk away. Then I said I prefer to not assume. Then you said I don't understand boundaries and of course it involves communication. So I have no idea what your point was about Aries post being irrelevant.

 

 

But you are doing precisely what I think we need to avoid. Accuse others without asking for clarification.

[Grisho]

But the problem with that is that when you confront someone and it really does have nothing to do with their interest in you, it can come off as being pushy or overly sensitive or overreacting, something of that nature.

 

For example, the guy I'm dating might be getting distant. We haven't had a lot of full on conversations over text recently and he hasn't asked me out in a couple weeks. But given that he just started working 6/7 days of the week and just got back from vacation (which explains the one week he didn't ask me out), I don't know what to think. He still sends me "how are you doing" texts most nights. If he really is just overwhelmed recently, I don't want to be that annoying person who demands more attention or I'm walking away. So I don't know if I should just sit tight and give him space.

 

The part you are missing is the rest after something like "give him space". EG ...give him space until his job interview is over on Thursday, or give him space until he submits his dissertation in 2 weeks... If you weigh up the situation, and think there may be a good reason he is behaving differently, set a time limit on how long you are willing to accommodate that, which you can either do alone, but preferably do with him (with you both agreeing there is a difference, and a reasonable timeframe when it will be back to normal).

 

You (and any of us) have to tangibly measure your partner and relationship often against the things that are vital for you in a relationship and nice to have in a relationship, to make sure things are healthy and on track. It's like a health check.

[bachdude]

But the problem with that is that when you confront someone and it really does have nothing to do with their interest in you, it can come off as being pushy or overly sensitive or overreacting, something of that nature.

 

For example, the guy I'm dating might be getting distant. We haven't had a lot of full on conversations over text recently and he hasn't asked me out in a couple weeks. But given that he just started working 6/7 days of the week and just got back from vacation (which explains the one week he didn't ask me out), I don't know what to think. He still sends me "how are you doing" texts most nights. If he really is just overwhelmed recently, I don't want to be that annoying person who demands more attention or I'm walking away. So I don't know if I should just sit tight and give him space.

 

I think this is a good point but again I am thinking of the current context here of the OP's post and situations like hers.

Edited August 17, 2016 by bachdude

[lillian39530]

Hey Lillian,

 

I'm kind of going through the same thing so hoping we can share some insight!

 

Reading your posts, I felt like you started getting a little pushy and took on more of the initiating (but I'm not one to talk, I bet I'm the same way when it's me in the situation).

 

I've debated about confronting him, I just hate playing games and I want to know what's going on! But from a tactical point of view, I think maybe acting distance and aloof will give you a better chance of getting him interested again, that is if you still want him. Otherwise the whole giving him a piece of your mind thing is pretty satisfying.

 

As for me, I'm going to attempt to try distance and aloof first, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to maintain it until I can't keep me cool anymore...

 

Hoping it works out with you!

 

Dear Aries, I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, jeez does it suck! I understand your point of you, but acting "indifferent" is something I've tried in the past (sadly a good number of time - lots of dating years behind me!) and it never worked. It was just ME who was waiting for an extended period of time something that would never happen. They would eventually call me back at 3am sometimes...I'm tired of this!

 

Right now, I don't feel like wasting my time much longer. I need to have answers. He obviously has an explanation for this change of attitude - is it that he met someone new? Is it that he wants to take things more slowly? is it that he just plainly lost interest in me? Is it that he had a massive turista? I need to know!

 

And what about you, what is your story? For how long did you see your guy and what happened??

 

Take care! xx