Possibly ghosted after 2 months of dating ?

[JewelD]

You are so right and I know it. But how weird would that be if I never talk and see him again? After our trip abroad, meeting friends, having plans in a near future (i.e. wedding?). When should I call my friend who's getting married to cancel his presence?? It's just been 4 days.

 

It wouldn't be weird at all. It's probably going to happen anyway. Why don't you just take someone else to the wedding? Like a gf or a family member? If it's not too late, cancel your plus one ASAP.

 

4 days is a looonnngggg time. You should know, you've been stressing about him for four loonnnggg days. You weren't official, so you probably shouldn't have invited him to the wedding anyway for reasons you are seeing now.

 

Even if he did contact you again, he was perfectly okay with not speaking to you for 4 loonnggg days. That should show you that you're not very important to him.

[lillian39530]

If a man said to me "I am going to the doctor, do I need an STD test in case I caught anything from you", I would be hugely offended. That is essentially what the OP has said to him.

 

That implies they think they could have caught something from me and that they think I had sex with others after meeting them. That is really very rude and I am not sure I could see them again.

 

As a grown woman see to your own sexual health, use protection, dont ask someone if you need testing, just do it.

 

I dont think this may be a simple ghost, I think you really may have offended him. In future use protection and dont leave it to chance.

 

I never saw it that way. Really, I perceived it as a casual conversation, like "hey I'm realizing we've been quite immature on this and we never really talked about this except for once and too briefly, but are we ok with this? I'm going the GP and can I skip the tests this year?" he did not look offended at all. But maybe he was, since everything started to go wrong from there (read: never saw him again. It'll be one week Sunday). But in the case I offended him, what should I do?

[lillian39530]

It wouldn't be weird at all. It's probably going to happen anyway. Why don't you just take someone else to the wedding? Like a gf or a family member? If it's not too late, cancel your plus one ASAP.

 

4 days is a looonnngggg time. You should know, you've been stressing about him for four loonnnggg days. You weren't official, so you probably shouldn't have invited him to the wedding anyway for reasons you are seeing now.

 

Even if he did contact you again, he was perfectly okay with not speaking to you for 4 loonnggg days. That should show you that you're not very important to him.

 

Thank for your thoughts, appreciated. I think 4 days is long too. But I don't regret having asked him to come to the wedding. His best friend will be attending too, and I saw it as just an evening where we would be having fun. And when I asked him, it was sort of a test: do you see us in 7 weeks from here? He said yes so I was reassured (but clearly misguided).

[DramaInPajamas]

I never saw it that way. Really, I perceived it as a casual conversation, like "hey I'm realizing we've been quite immature on this and we never really talked about this except for once and too briefly, but are we ok with this? I'm going the GP and can I skip the tests this year?" he did not look offended at all. But maybe he was, since everything started to go wrong from there (read: never saw him again. It'll be one week Sunday). But in the case I offended him, what should I do?

 

By why would a grown woman need to ask a man this?

 

You talked about it and you trusted him the first time. Get tested to put your mind at rest and if the tests arent clean, you deal with it then. Just deal with your own health why ask a man if you need tests when you have talked about it already?

 

He had sex with you without a condom. He trusted you. He isnt asking you if he needs to get tested or if you slept with others. He risked catching something from you too based upon trust.

 

Given that you havent seen him since....you can either put it down to experience or ask him what is going on.

[lillian39530]

But you quite clearly didnt trust him as you asked him if you needed testing when he had already told he was clean.

 

Dont go to your GP, you dont want it on your notes. Assuming you are in the UK which I think by your choice of words, you are, go to GUM clinic. The results wont ever appear on your GP notes.

 

Well I believed he told me the truth, but my question was precisely: 1. We're not using protection 2. It doesn't seem to be a big deal for you 3. How can I be reassured you're not doing it this way with other girls?

 

Thanks for the tips even though I'm in Canada, weird choices of words because english is not my mother tongue

[DramaInPajamas]

Well I believed he told me the truth, but my question was precisely: 1. We're not using protection 2. It doesn't seem to be a big deal for you 3. How can I be reassured you're not doing it this way with other girls?

 

Thanks for the tips even though I'm in Canada, weird choices of words because english is not my mother tongue

 

It is the word GP that did it. GP is what the UK calls a family Dr. Didnt know Canada called them that too.

 

If you are not reassured you are exclusive, you use condoms.

[lillian39530]

By why would a grown woman need to ask a man this?

 

You talked about it and you trusted him the first time. Get tested to put your mind at rest and if the tests arent clean, you deal with it then. Just deal with your own health why ask a man if you need tests when you have talked about it already?

 

He had sex with you without a condom. He trusted you. He isnt asking you if he needs to get tested or if you slept with others. He risked catching something from you too based upon trust.

 

Given that you havent seen him since....you can either put it down to experience or ask him what is going on.

 

I'm confused because I don't know if he's offended/think I'm sketchy because of my question (and why isn't he getting over it?) OR he's not interested anymore...

 

So therefore still confuse, should I reach out or no!

[DramaInPajamas]

I'm confused because I don't know if he's offended/think I'm sketchy because of my question (and why isn't he getting over it?) OR he's not interested anymore...

 

So therefore still confuse, should I reach out or no!

 

What would you rather happen?

 

It goes quiet and stays quiet, or you ask him, talk about it and risk being rejected?

 

If you would rather know, then call.

[bachdude]

I never saw it that way. Really, I perceived it as a casual conversation, like "hey I'm realizing we've been quite immature on this and we never really talked about this except for once and too briefly, but are we ok with this? I'm going the GP and can I skip the tests this year?" he did not look offended at all. But maybe he was, since everything started to go wrong from there (read: never saw him again. It'll be one week Sunday). But in the case I offended him, what should I do?

 

Just thinking out loud...

 

If he thinks it is a reprehensible thing to do, to sleep with someone else while dating you, then your questions could have been taken as an insult.

 

I understand you wouldn't take it that way, and didn't intend it that way, but I think others may take it that way.

 

His word choice sounds like he may have been offended, "You actually think . . . " and you say that was the beginning of the end.

[lillian39530]

Lillian, I think you have a very possible answer as to why he has pulled away.

 

He pulled away because ONE maybe-misplaced question?? After alll we had! How can that be true? The get away by plane, the fun nights, the long talks, the long walks, the picnics, the bike rides, the dinners at nice restaurants, the joggings, the museums, the netflix marathons, the proximity???? ONE QUESTION!

[JewelD]

Thank for your thoughts, appreciated. I think 4 days is long too. But I don't regret having asked him to come to the wedding. His best friend will be attending too, and I saw it as just an evening where we would be having fun. And when I asked him, it was sort of a test: do you see us in 7 weeks from here? He said yes so I was reassured (but clearly misguided).

 

Tests like that don't work. A man can tell you he's going to marry you in five years and split the next morning. Until you're in a committed relationship, you can't expect a man to act like he's committed to you. Hell, sometimes you won't get that even while you're in a relationship if it's a bad one.

[lillian39530]

What would you rather happen?

 

It goes quiet and stays quiet, or you ask him, talk about it and risk being rejected?

 

If you would rather know, then call.

 

From my understanding, those two options will lead to a rejection anyways. I'd rather have an explanation. It's easier to move on. I'll text him something casual next week and we'll see what happens.

[bachdude]

He pulled away because ONE maybe-misplaced question?? After alll we had! How can that be true? The get away by plane, the fun nights, the long talks, the long walks, the picnics, the bike rides, the dinners at nice restaurants, the joggings, the museums, the netflix marathons, the proximity???? ONE QUESTION!

 

Well, we are speculating too! Let's keep that in mind.

 

But OP, exactly because of those things, the fun times you two shared, the time you spent together, the long talks, etc., may have made it more offending.

 

But again, no one knows for sure.

[bachdude]

From my understanding, those two options will lead to a rejection anyways. I'd rather have an explanation. It's easier to move on. I'll text him something casual next week and we'll see what happens.

 

Lillian, this may just be me, but I think two months of dating, having sex, and spending a weekend together is enough time for someone to have the right to an explanation. You gave each other your bodies after all! Why not skip the text, and give an honest to goodness phone call and ask him what is the matter. If he doesn't want to talk, then he really isn't relationship material anyway.

 

That's me. Others will disagree.

[Ami1uwant]

Thank for you thoughts sunshine.

 

I'm a little depressed because obviously I had a slight hope people here would tell me like "no it's kind of too early too freak out, relax girl!" ! But everyone seems to agree IT IS ghosting, just like my actual friends are saying. I have been through a horrible breakup in January and this kind was the first one I dated since that I actually cared about.

 

I was ghosted three times in my early twenties but it was just after few dates, and we were younger. Now, late twenties, it's a little more difficult to cope, and to understand people still do that?!!!!!

 

You are still early in the dating do you can't assume you are the on,y one he is dating.

 

People usually ghost when they are dating someone else and want to pursue that....when it doesn't workout they reappear.

 

The other tine they ghost is when they think you are a nice person but they aren't that into you. Sometimes it could be they looked at you as a conquest for sex while done may be ashamed they slept to early.

[lillian39530]

Lillian, this may just be me, but I think two months of dating, having sex, and spending a weekend together is enough time for someone to have the right to an explanation. You gave each other your bodies after all! Why not skip the text, and give an honest to goodness phone call and ask him what is the matter. If he doesn't want to talk, then he really isn't relationship material anyway.

 

That's me. Others will disagree.

 

Yeah, I think you're right. My casual text will lead to a call I think. Thanks for your help. Jeez life is hard!

[bachdude]

Yeah, I think you're right. My casual text will lead to a call I think. Thanks for your help. Jeez life is hard!

 

Good luck, Lillian!

[Gaeta]

Lilian: Call him. Block your number so he doesn't know it's you and call him. You are not 18 to be solving this by text. When he picks up simply ask him if everything is alright you have not heard from him in a while.

 

And as someone who lives and date with an incurable std I must tell you this: You NEVER have unprotected sex because a man says he is clean. NEVER. There are several std that won't show on test results unless you've had them for months so getting tested right now is useless. If ever this guy had hsv and gave it to you, your result will show a false negative but in 3 months it will show positive. The same goes for hpv. There is no test for men and they show no symptoms. That is why you use condoms with a partner till you are in a long term relationship and feel strong that his bugs are your bugs and it's ok.

[TXGuy]

From my understanding, those two options will lead to a rejection anyways. I'd rather have an explanation. It's easier to move on. I'll text him something casual next week and we'll see what happens.

 

If you are going to text him next week, include some type of question, perhaps a casual one. A question implicitly requests a response. A statement doesn't.

 

For example, your text of a link to an article did not necessarily warrant a response. He might not click into links in texts (I don't, even from a gf). Or he might have read it and not liked the article. In either case, there would be nothing to respond to. Given that, I wouldn't necessarily say he has ghosted. I think of ghosting as intentionally ignoring requests to communicate. So far, he just hasn't texted you in a while.

[Gaeta]

If you are going to text him next week, include some type of question, perhaps a casual one. A question implicitly requests a response. A statement doesn't.

 

For example, your text of a link to an article did not necessarily warrant a response. He might not click into links in texts (I don't, even from a gf). Or he might have read it and not liked the article. In either case, there would be nothing to respond to. Given that, I wouldn't necessarily say he has ghosted. I think of ghosting as intentionally ignoring requests to communicate. So far, he just hasn't texted you in a while.

 

Makes me laugh when I read suggestions like these.

 

It's like nowadays for a woman to catch a man she has to do it as if she was hunting a wild turkey! Hide behind trees, don't make noise, walk against the wind and put down a bait and make sure he won't notice you're trying to get his attention.

 

OP: the man does not text because he does not want to ! If he thought of you, if he missed you, he'd be all over your phone.

 

If he got turned off by your suggestion of std after 2 months dating than that is because your connection was holding together by a string and it was not meant to last long. We all make faux-pas as we are all human beings but when we like someone, really like someone, we don't disappear cause they put their foot in their mouth once.

[TXGuy]

Makes me laugh when I read suggestions like these.

 

It's like nowadays for a woman to catch a man she has to do it as if she was hunting a wild turkey! Hide behind trees, don't make noise, walk against the wind and put down a bait and make sure he won't notice you're trying to get his attention.

 

The OP wants to figure out what the deal is with this guy. That's why she posted here. She can ask him out to some event (even netflix and chill). His response would likely give a pretty good insight to her question. If she doesn't want to go that far for whatever reason, she could send him a text that would ordinarily trigger a response. That way she can determine if he is responding to her.

 

I know that might sound pretty complicated if your default expectation is that if a man is not doing practically all of the work, then he isn't interested enough. But, acting on the suggestion above is really not that complex.

[Gaeta]

I know that might sound pretty complicated if your default expectation is that if a man is not doing practically all of the work, then he isn't interested enough. But, acting on the suggestion above is really not that complex.

 

I would go along with your suggestion if they had been on 3-4 dates but they have been dating 2 months and been intimate on multiple times. At this point she can ask him directly. They are passed tip toeing around each other.

[TXGuy]

I would go along with your suggestion if they had been on 3-4 dates but they have been dating 2 months and been intimate on multiple times. At this point she can ask him directly. They are passed tip toeing around each other.

 

That works too.

 

Just about any of the options discussed is better than sitting back, waiting, and wondering.

Edited August 13, 2016 by TXGuy

[Eternal Sunshine]

There is only one reason guys ghost or fade: they are not interested in you.

 

Regardless if they have met someone else or are just plain not feeling it, they are just not interested.

 

As for people suggesting that it's your STD question that suddenly made him lose interest: :laugh:. There is less chance of that being true than you winning a lottery. On an instinctual level, people are actually incapable of resisting their strong desires.

[lillian39530]

The OP wants to figure out what the deal is with this guy. That's why she posted here. She can ask him out to some event (even netflix and chill). His response would likely give a pretty good insight to her question. If she doesn't want to go that far for whatever reason, she could send him a text that would ordinarily trigger a response. That way she can determine if he is responding to her.

 

I know that might sound pretty complicated if your default expectation is that if a man is not doing practically all of the work, then he isn't interested enough. But, acting on the suggestion above is really not that complex.

 

thank you for that answer, and to all of you guys. I see it more clearly now. Tx Guy, I will follow your suggestion because my hopes are already down the drain and I deserve an answer. I'd rather be rejected than being ghosted.