Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[SevenCity]

Everyone please relax.

 

1- I have not deconstructed my entire time with him. This is extremely complex and if you knew more, I know your perspectives would change. I've been trying to give some insights, but it's not nearly the entire picture for everyone to become extremely judgemental.

 

2- Before I joined this forum, up to today, I have been very reflective about the past, present, and future. I have written all of the positives and negatives of the last 8 years of my life. I've written down my present and future goals. I have written down how I've changed and my outlook on life has changed.

 

3- Someone made the comment that why it should matter that his previous home was in bad condition. He was having a difficult time living in a 2 bedroom place with his two children and visiting relatives. He wanted to change that. It was a big goal for him to settle into a new place. I was so proud of him when I learned he took that step. I don't understand why this isn't something to be proud of.

 

4- We are not having sex. We have not had sex since December 2015. I have no intention of having sex with him.

 

 

 

5- Tomorrow we are meeting at noon to talk.

 

Bialy - everyone is going to have their own opinion based on only what's posted (including me). We don't have the full story and cannot possibly know what is in your head. Only you know that.

 

What everyone is doing is pulling from their personal experiences and applying it to your situation. Some were in your shoes, some were in his. People learn by experience and patterns. We can only draw conclusions from the information given and what we experienced in the past.

 

I don't think you are obligated to explain your position to everyone. Part of me feels like you are explaining it to yourself.

 

You sound like a good person, and for that, I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

 

Because my schedule is now booked with nothing I'm anxiously awaiting your post after you meet him tomorrow.

[mg101]

Looks like I can't pm. See if you can send me a pm and maybe I can reply. I would be happy to elaborate via email if you send me your address (I don't want to post mine here)

 

I just tried. Says you've elected not to accept msgs. Go to your settings, then options, then uncheck the private msgs option...

[LD1990]

Everyone please relax.

 

1- I have not deconstructed my entire time with him. This is extremely complex and if you knew more, I know your perspectives would change. I've been trying to give some insights, but it's not nearly the entire picture for everyone to become extremely judgemental.

 

Or, you know, it's possible people would just disagree with what you're doing regardless of the extreme complexities of this situation. Which is the typical refrain when people don't get the advice they want - "well you don't understand, you don't know the whole situation." Of course we don't, but you've posted several times explaining the most relevant details and answering questions, so we certainly have enough information to give our opinions.

 

Also, you don't have the entire picture here either. You have your perspective and what he has told you, and you've already said he may not have been completely honest.

[SevenCity]

I just tried. Says you've elected not to accept msgs. Go to your settings, then options, then uncheck the private msgs option...

 

I think mine might have been disabled due to my warning points - I don't see that option at all.

[Bialy]

Or, you know, it's possible people would just disagree with what you're doing regardless of the extreme complexities of this situation. Which is the typical refrain when people don't get the advice they want - "well you don't understand, you don't know the whole situation." Of course we don't, but you've posted several times explaining the most relevant details and answering questions, so we certainly have enough information to give our opinions.

 

Also, you don't have the entire picture here either. You have your perspective and what he has told you, and you've already said he may not have been completely honest.

Absolutely.

[Bialy]

I think mine might have been disabled due to my warning points - I don't see that option at all.

Same here. I was going to edit that to see if I could send/receive messages too - I'm not seeing the option.

 

Do any admins know how to do this?

[SevenCity]

Same here. I was going to edit that to see if I could send/receive messages too - I'm not seeing the option.

 

Do any admins know how to do this?

 

Tough crowd around here! I'll pm you as well if we can get this sorted out!

[Blanco]

Unless the more complex details we don't know include, "He isn't actually living with another woman," then I can't help but feel a bit queasy reading all this.

 

I know some people move in with a partner without much thought or consideration. But to most people, it is a major step forward in a relationship and often a sign of more commitment, both now and in the future.

 

How awful for this new girlfriend if she falls into this latter category.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Although it should, moving in with someone these days means nothing more than an extension of dating. Heck, giving someone an engagement ring and planning a wedding apparently means nothing to some...

 

I wonder what people's opinion of this situation would be if it were the woman dating Bialy's ex posting here and claiming they are living together and they are having problems, and though they are living together she feels her man is not all that committed and might even still be harbouring feelings for his ex?

 

I bet you the same people here would advice her to move on and let him go and to go strict N/C and to let them be because he wasn't meant to be for her and they were having too many issues in the new relationship anyway to stay together so "let it go".

 

My point is, it's all about perspective.

 

No one is denying all the involved parties' wrong-doings in this situation but it just goes to show how complex romance, relationships, and people really are.

[Blanco]

To clarify: I don't think this new woman should be with the OP's ex, either. He sounds like a slimeball.

[SevenCity]

Ok Bialy. It's 8 hours since you were supposed to meet him.

 

What are you up to now????

[lana-banana]

I know you say you're convinced of your feelings. But consider the transformation you've apparently made in such a short amount of time. How much of this thread would you have posted (i.e. how much would you be hurting) if he hadn't been dating someone else? Are you hurting because of your break-up, or because the existence of his current girlfriend is affecting your self-worth?

 

Over the years, I was hesitant to take our relationship seriously for many reasons.

No, I don't want him back.

But I think this might end up being the person he spends the rest of his life with. This is HARD

And now he has found someone that he has been seeing long enough to consider allowing moving into his new home. From what I gather, they have been dating for about 7 months, possibly a bit longer than that. That's the part that hurts the most.

Emphasis mine. If that's the most hurtful part of your breakup, you really shouldn't be together.

 

Why Things Are Better Now

-His two children are older. 17 and 14.

-I have an awesome, stable job.

-He has moved out of that awful house.

-We still have that bedrock of Compatability and affection.

-We are both willing to make it work.

As others have said, these are...kind of lame? None of these explain why you didn't "take your relationship seriously" for the past seven years. Also, the last line about making it work is kind of complicated by the whole he has a girlfriend part.

 

He said some inconsistent things -- about how he really isn't into her, that she pales in comparison to me because they don't have anything in common, that it just happened, and he doesn't feel strongly about her. And how they're "off and on" for several months. NONE of this makes sense because he's connected to her on FB and she tagged him on her page just two days ago about how she can't wait for all of her family to come to the house for Thanksgiving and how she can't wait to see his mom in August when she comes down to visit.

Why are you not seriously concerned that he's lying to you about his current relationship? Why do you want to start again with someone who can and does lie so easily?

 

Really conflicting and was totally not necessary of him to say any of that to me - and I thank my lucky stars that I'm not involved in that conflicting drama.

It wasn't necessary, and it's the height of naivete---or ego---to think you won't be involved in this. I am dating a guy who left his ex-girlfriend for me, and while it's pretty different from your situation in some ways (we hadn't dated before, we're much younger, he and his ex were already back and forth about staying together) there are some similarities. You ARE involved whether you ever meet this woman. Even if you do never meet her, you still exist in her mind as the terrible monster who ruined her relationship, and that image will be very real to her. It's part of why I've avoided my boyfriend's ex for more than two years now and tried to make sure I stay out of her life. I recognize I was involved, I contributed to her pain, and she doesn't need to have that shoved in her face. I know better than most people that love doesn't always exist among unattached, happily single and healthy people. These situations happen all the time. But they require lots of grace, compassion, and honesty. Your ex is not even being honest with you about what's going on. That doesn't really bode well for your future.

 

Your posts in other people's threads are incredibly thoughtful, and it's clear that you have ample awareness and empathy for others. Please, please, please think long and hard about whether this is something you really want, and if it's worth the world of hurt that will inevitably result when this goes down.

Edited August 1, 2016 by lana-banana

[Bialy]

So... We met up at 12:30pm and parted ways at 6:30pm. We talked, had lunch, talked more, saw the movie, talked some more on the drive back. Amazing time...

 

And....

 

And....

 

I poured my heart out and gave it my all - NO REGRETS. I basically told him how I felt about him, how I view him, and how I want to build a life with him... He reciprocated....

 

But when I got home, something told me to look up his new house's address in the county's property search website...

 

And there it was... His name, primary owner... And his new partner's name as additional owner...house purchased 11-July-2016...

 

He lied to me today. I asked him if she lived with him... "No, she doesn't. She's trying to." I asked him if she put any money down for the downpayment... "No. The house is mine." I asked him if she had keys to the house... "Yes."

 

So, it's official: My ex of close to 8 years jumped into a relationship in January after splitting with me, dated someone for 6 months, and now has a $700k mortgage with this person...just WOW...

 

NO REGRETS on my end --- never slept with him (since Dec 2015) and got to at least share with him how he has impacted my life (clear conscious on my end.)

 

Still, though, WOW. Where are the folks who are going to say I told ya so?!?!?!

Edited August 1, 2016 by Bialy

[sooshi]

I'm glad you were able to get your thoughts out and that you have no regrets on your end. I hope that all of this will help you to move on.

 

Hugs and love to you, Bialy.

[Bialy]

Knowing what I know now, I can't believe he wrote me these texts just two days ago:

 

Let's work on this. You're worth it and so am I. I need to think through decisions and options. You're who I want.

 

I love you. And I really appreciate your raw honesty, courage, and ability to share how you feel. It took guts to do what you did yesterday. I respect that and it had a real and lasting effect on how I think about you.

 

I want to continue the dialogue and see how we can continue to communicate. Thanks for opening my eyes.

 

I'm thinking about a lot of things right now.

 

I'm not going to reach out via text. He's in deep with his current relationship --- financially and family-wise. No idea why this woman would get involved with someone in this way after only 6 months --- insane.

 

Not my problem!!! Kind of sad because I did have such dreams about reconciliation and building a life with him... LIFE is Crazy.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Whoa!! NO way!! I cannot believe what you just wrote Bialy though I had my hesitations I never imagined you would say that he bought a house with his new woman. WTF!!

 

Well if there is one thing this and many many situations like this, including my own, tells me about these types of guys is that once they lie one way they are MOST DEFINITELY lying two ways.

 

At least now you have absolute closure. You can find someone closer to your age who is your dream man and the ding-bat who bought a house with him after only 7 months and with no commitment can deal with the great "prize" of a man she got.

 

I'm so sorry this happened.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I'm not going to reach out via text. He's in deep with his current relationship --- financially and family-wise. No idea why this woman would get involved with someone in this way after only 6 months --- insane.

 

Ughhh. GOOD! She is totally insane.

 

But like I said before, he is feeding her all sorts of lies and making no real commitment. He's insane too.

[Bialy]

Ughhh. GOOD! She is totally insane.

 

But like I said before, he is feeding her all sorts of lies and making no real commitment. He's insane too.

 

If she knew what he told me today, she would be devastated. He said she's nice, but he's not really attracted to her. That he just doesn't have any excitement for her and doesn't truly love her. That she just found a way to make herself endearing to his teenage kids and his mom. That they are rarely intimate and it isn't very good. They were off and on. And that she's in it more for the house than for him.

[Sunkissedpatio]

When he said all that didn't you ask him "why in the world would you buy a house with her then?!?"

 

You can imagine what he says to her about you too.

 

Unreal!

[sooshi]

Wow, those are such harsh, hurtful words. Their relationship can't healthfully last. You REALLY dodged a bullet by seeing the reality of the situation!

 

Like Sunkissed, I also wondered about what he says to her about you as well.

 

You deserve so much better, Bialy!

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's pretty amazing to what extend some people will go to prove to themselves they are into someone when they are not. And then 5 years down the road when the problems start and the relationship plateaus which it ALWAYS does, they start monkey branching again.

 

Boy you dodged a bullet there! Im glad you said everything you did to him he will be destroyed once he realizes what you know and that things will not pan out with you. And you got to tell him what you really wanted.

 

I feel for the other woman but seriously, who buys a house with someone before they are married/engaged...!? She kind of deserves what she gets for being so dumb about it.

[Bialy]

Totally.

 

I feel like my only real consolation is that when he looks back, he'll remember how I never got him knee deep in debt. I have a clear conscious on that. It seems weird - but that's important to me. I'm not user and I'm financially responsible.

 

I feel bad for this situation. I care too much sometimes, for the strangest reasons. I'll get over it. I'm just astounded by how deep he really is with this person and today would have been a perfect opportunity to tell me in person... So strange.

 

I've got my closure --- but I'd be lying if I said that it wouldn't take me some time to just get over the "WOW! What the hell?" Feeling!

Edited August 1, 2016 by Bialy

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well he is so messed up about your past relationship that he is going through the motions with this woman in order to get over you. And it is the worst thing he can do to himself and her.

 

You don't need to worry about him thinking about you in a good light he clearly still has very strong feelings for you, what he's doing with her is going through the motions.

 

Didn't you ask him if he feels all these horrible things for his new woman why is he living with her? I know he didn't tell you he bought the house with her but why live with her if he feels so many negative things for her?

[Bialy]

I didn't realize he was living with her until I got home after our time together -- I looked up the new house's address in the county's property search website and saw that he's primary owner and she's listed as a secondary owner.

 

He was telling me today before I found this out that he is going to end it with her -- either in a week's time or that it could take longer because "things are complicated."

 

So, now that I know that she does in fact live with him... My aunt told me I should tell him that I know this bit of information. She said, "What would you do if he told you a few weeks from now that he ended it with her to be with you?"

 

I told her, that's not going to happen. My ex is cowardly. He can barely tell me the truth -- I can't imagine he'll be honest at all with this new woman.

 

I doubt if he'll reach out to me. I'm not going to text or call anymore.

[Sunkissedpatio]

So he hadn't even told you they were living together? I thought at some point here in one of the posts you mentioned they lived together or maybe they were planning to?

 

Anyway, WAIT so what would you do if in two weeks he says to you: "Ok I am free let's do this?"