Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[JewelD]

I DID get closure. I did NOT expect his reaction to be this. I thought he was engaged, Honestly. I felt this was my last chance to get a sense of closure and peace of mind.

 

One of the things I learned about our time together is that I need to take more risks. Now I'm presented with this - yes, I'd love to give our love a second chance.

 

You bring up a really good point - his current relationship is clearly progressing. I actually don't think "we" will become a reality again. AND THAT's FINE. But I'm taking more risks at love instead of my old ways of setting up boundaries and having so many rules.

 

There's a fine line between taking risks and making yourself vulnerable to bad situations. Man with gf= bad situation.

 

Closure generally comes from within, and once you get it, you move on. Now you're waiting on him to see what he's going to decide and how he's going to go about it.

 

There's nothing wrong with having at least a few rules and boundaries. You won't miss out on the love of your life by telling a man with a gf to kick rocks.

[Bialy]

You're right, you make good points - this is a lot of food for thought. It's a weird situation. I didn't expect this at all.

 

I suspect he's much more invested in this new relationship than he is letting on.

 

I feel closure in the sense that I was able to apologize and accept my mistakes and share my hard lessons learned. Since that night, I have been having restful sleeps and haven't cried at all. I feel GOOD.

[BC1980]

I'd be very wary. He's meeting with you but has a GF that he lives with. That's not very promising behavior. He'd do the same thing to you. He might be the type who wants what he doesn't have.

[Densel]

In the other thread, i said you still have feelings for him. I was right.

 

If he wants you, he will need to be single.

Can he do that?

 

You wouldnt know unless you stay away from him.

 

He being wishy washy is not fair to everyone. Do not start a drama. Tell him to stop his wishy washyness.

[Bialy]

Thanks all. Y'know, it's interesting. I learned a lot of lessons from our breakup. It has been a transformative experience for me.

 

Your comments make me wonder if he has learned anything from our time together. He can be impulsive and very needy - sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad, as we all know.

 

He jumped immediately into a relationship in January 2016 and has been steadily seeing someone. Even if he doesn't love this person, this puts him in an awkward position.

 

I, on the other hand, have been single the entire time - 6-7 months - and have been extremely reflective about the entire experience with him.

Edited July 29, 2016 by Bialy

[SevenCity]

You mentioned you kept him at arm's length. Can you restate the cliff notes as far as who broke it off and what happened?

 

If you were not 100% in I don't blame him for seeking it elsewhere. It may be a rebound it may not.

[Toodaloo]

What a complete *word that rhymes with Nick but starts with a D*

 

So he goes off with this other woman now she is moving in he is screwing with your emotions and trying to get you back again...

 

What a complete moron this bloke is.

 

Steer clear - that one is drama reincarnate and a complete idiot to boot.

 

Good luck.

[SevenCity]

What a complete *word that rhymes with Nick but starts with a D*

 

So he goes off with this other woman now she is moving in he is screwing with your emotions and trying to get you back again...

 

What a complete moron this bloke is.

 

Steer clear - that one is drama reincarnate and a complete idiot to boot.

 

Good luck.

 

It's impossible to say if he is doing this out of maliciousness. He could have tried to move on with his life and the OP's meetup made him realize he's not over her.

[BC1980]

If he's impulsive, I'd be careful. Do you really want a guy that is shady enough to meet behind his GF's back. That seems like a major turnoff to me.

[BC1980]

It's impossible to say if he is doing this out of maliciousness. He could have tried to move on with his life and the OP's meetup made him realize he's not over her.

 

Best case scenario is that he lacks any self-awareness and had no care for how is treating these two women.

[Bialy]

SevenCity has been reading a lot of this and has a grasp of what's going on.

 

I was the one who (for years) was not committed. He wanted to be with me. 7 months ago, he had to step away and find normalcy and so he began seeing someone new.

 

We're meeting on Sunday. He says he has a lot to discuss. He wants to go on a bike ride/watch the new Star Trek movie and talk. He has been very emotional.

[SevenCity]

SevenCity has been reading a lot of this and has a grasp of what's going on.

 

I was the one who (for years) was not committed. He wanted to be with me. 7 months ago, he had to step away and find normalcy and so he began seeing someone new.

 

We're meeting on Sunday. He says he has a lot to discuss. He wants to go on a bike ride/watch the new Star Trek movie and talk. He has been very emotional.

 

 

What changed for you that you are ready to commit?

[JewelD]

SevenCity has been reading a lot of this and has a grasp of what's going on.

 

I was the one who (for years) was not committed. He wanted to be with me. 7 months ago, he had to step away and find normalcy and so he began seeing someone new.

 

We're meeting on Sunday. He says he has a lot to discuss. He wants to go on a bike ride/watch the new Star Trek movie and talk. He has been very emotional.

 

So you're going out on a date with him basically. And he still hasn't broken up with his gf or told her about any of this. If he truly honestly wanted you, he wouldn't be keeping his foot in the door as far as his new relationship goes.

 

Whether you think the end of the relationship was your fault or not, it doesn't change what the situation is now. You may have had the upperhand back then, but now there's a 3rd person in the picture and you've basically put yourself at his mercy.

 

If he even respected you, he would not be asking you out on a date while he has a gf.

[Bialy]

I'll see what he says on Sunday. He wants to talk in person, not over the phone.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You mentioned you kept him at arm's length. Can you restate the cliff notes as far as who broke it off and what happened?

 

If you were not 100% in I don't blame him for seeking it elsewhere. It may be a rebound it may not.

 

This is my thought exactly! I don't get why everyone is treating this guy like some kind of twisted villain in the picture who should be avoided at all costs?

 

Ok, sure he is seeing someone else and should not be playing both sides but the entire time this story sounded like the guy made himself move on because the OP didn't really want to be with him for the long-haul.

 

Granted, we don't know what the hesitations were that made her not want to commit for marriage and to start a family with him after such a long time. That would certainly shed some light into the decisions made. Was it lack of love/attraction/compatibility or serious issues he had that made her question their longevity together?

 

The way I see it, and given the circumstances described, he is more the dumpee than the dumper even though he is the one that did the act of breaking up. Again, this is based on what has been shared here.

[Sunkissedpatio]

SevenCity has been reading a lot of this and has a grasp of what's going on.

 

I was the one who (for years) was not committed. He wanted to be with me. 7 months ago, he had to step away and find normalcy and so he began seeing someone new.

 

We're meeting on Sunday. He says he has a lot to discuss. He wants to go on a bike ride/watch the new Star Trek movie and talk. He has been very emotional.

 

I don't get it!? You are with this guy for 7 years, you won't commit, now he is with someone else and you needed closure after 7 months and had to see him and he is still hung up on you and you are going to meeting him for a date to discuss your future?

 

Why didn't you want to commit to him and what makes you think you will want to commit to him now? You were with him for 7 years!!! That is a very long time and after 7 months apart you think you will want to? I'm so confused by this relationship...

[Bialy]

Sunkissedpatio- I never went into the nitty gritty details of why I hesitated for so long.

 

He's NOT a villain. We've been through a lot - I didn't want to get into the weeds on our 7 years. I'll try to shed more light - it will explain A LOT.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Baily I don't mean to pressure you to share what you don't feel like sharing here publicly. My question is more to suss out if you didn't want to commit to him because you were confused about how you felt about him or because he did things that had you questioning if you could be with him for the long-haul.

 

Do you see what I am getting at? If it was your general confusion based on not knowing how you felt about him ie. compatibility, attraction etc. then it's best to let him go and let him move on with his life once and for all. It's the loving and honourable thing to do to stop messing with his head.

The confusion for me was that in your original post it seemed like you were recently split but then later in the thread it turns out you've been apart for 7 months. Or maybe I missed something a long the way, sorry if I did.

 

But if you hesitated due to red flags or deal breakers on his part then I can see why you would still be wondering if there could be hope or why you stuck around for so long "waiting for things improve"

 

To be fair, confusion or not, he is showing that he is pretty self-serving and can be duplicitous in nature, and those aren't great qualities to invest in especially if you thinking about marriage. He dated someone behind your back in the grey area period... Where you broken up or not? And now he is lying to two women at once. I dunnow....

[Bialy]

The Good Of Our 7 Years Together

-Compatability (emotional and physical)

-Mutual Attraction

-Practically identical hobbies/interests

-We were both generous with our time & love for each other.

 

My Hesitations During Our 7 Years

-He has two children.

-He was living in a small, awful house

-I was living separately, 30 min drive away.

-I was trying to land a stable job and thought I would move.

 

Why Things Are Better Now

-His two children are older. 17 and 14.

-I have an awesome, stable job.

-He has moved out of that awful house.

-We still have that bedrock of Compatability and affection.

-We are both willing to make it work.

 

I wasn't the best for the last three years because I wasn't sure what the hell was going on between us. And it all stemmed from my feeling of ambiguity about our relationship. I was so hesitant for no good reason --- I thought I wanted to date and keep my options open. I don't want that. I want stability.

 

I met with him a few days ago for closure, but to mostly make amends for the way I acted. It was callous and awful --- especially towards someone who was trying his best to make "us" a real couple. I also wanted to share with him how impactful the relationship and its aftermath has had on me. I've changed A LOT.

 

He was moved and I think I basically said things he had been wanting to hear for a very long time.

[Bialy]

I'm curious about what he will say on Sunday. We are going to meet at noon. It'll be his opportunity to discuss what's on his mind and where do things stand with him.

 

We'll have a good time and will have an opportunity to flesh things out.

 

Would I love a second chance at love with him? Yes, absolutely. I didn't even think I would be posting about this at all, honestly. I'm trying to take more risks with love than I did before.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Thanks for the explanation. I'm sorry, you may not want to hear what I am going to say, but with the exception of the "he has 2 kids" which he will always have whether they live with you guys or not, the other reasons sound like they are representative of something deeper.

 

I could be entirely wrong here, looks to me like maybe at the root of all that is that you wanted to be with someone closer to your own age to build all those things together from scratch. Rather than inherit his family and past and make it your own.

 

And that is a completely fair and honest need on your part, there is no shame in wanting that if that is the case. You are young and there is no reason why you wouldn't want to be with someone to build a life together with a clean slate.

 

I would go out on a limb and say that if he were the love of your life you would be considering all those things but they ultimately wouldn't matter.

 

That's just my observation...I could be entirely off.

 

Tough choice yours Bialy...

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Would I love a second chance at love with him? Yes, absolutely. I didn't even think I would be posting about this at all, honestly. I'm trying to take more risks with love than I did before.

 

How are you going to feel any different than you did for 7 years once the novelty of being together again wears off? I'm not seeing what significantly changed here that would have you seeing him as a totally different prospect other than the new house and you getting a job.

[SevenCity]

The Good Of Our 7 Years Together

-Compatability (emotional and physical)

-Mutual Attraction

-Practically identical hobbies/interests

-We were both generous with our time & love for each other.

 

My Hesitations During Our 7 Years

-He has two children.

-He was living in a small, awful house

-I was living separately, 30 min drive away.

-I was trying to land a stable job and thought I would move.

 

Why Things Are Better Now

-His two children are older. 17 and 14.

-I have an awesome, stable job.

-He has moved out of that awful house.

-We still have that bedrock of Compatability and affection.

-We are both willing to make it work.

 

I wasn't the best for the last three years because I wasn't sure what the hell was going on between us. And it all stemmed from my feeling of ambiguity about our relationship. I was so hesitant for no good reason --- I thought I wanted to date and keep my options open. I don't want that. I want stability.

 

I met with him a few days ago for closure, but to mostly make amends for the way I acted. It was callous and awful --- especially towards someone who was trying his best to make "us" a real couple. I also wanted to share with him how impactful the relationship and its aftermath has had on me. I've changed A LOT.

 

He was moved and I think I basically said things he had been wanting to hear for a very long time.

 

Except for the children, none of what you said to me is a deal breaker on whether or not you love someone. Who cares where he lives? I mean unless it's prison (and some women have no issue with that).

 

I didn't get the full story until now (or at least I got part of it) but it sounds like this breakup is all on you - regardless of who did the dumping.

 

Here's the way I see it (bolded for emphasis ):

 

• You were wishy-washy on the future of the RL for a few reasons
  
• He wanted more, realized you couldn't give it to him, so was forced to leave
  
• He picked up the pieces of his life and moved on with someone else while still having feelings for you
  
• He got to the point where he was ready to have the new girl move in
  
  
• You have been alone this time upset that he moved on and found someone else (ego hit)
  
  
• You somehow felt the need for closure
  
• You reached out to him for said closure, but in reality told him that you wanted him back and now want the things he's wanted all along
  
• He fell for it and is now wanting you back as well and questioning his current RL
  
  
• I'm not convinced you didn't come to this realization because you have not met anyone else
  

If this version is right, it sounds like you are wearing the villain moustache, not him. He begrudgingly moved on with his life and you didn't. You are lonely and thinking about what was and what could have been (even though you had 7 years to come to that realization).

 

I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to get a sense of why you feel you are the victim when it clearly sounds like he is. You, as the "virtual" dumper, are having buyer's remorse and looking to get back what you once had because you haven't moved on.

 

If I'm wrong, please correct me.

[Bialy]

First, THANK YOU to all of you because I'm really thinking about things at all angles with your questions, concerns, and commentary. IT HELPS!

 

Yes, you're right, Sunkissedpatio: I always assumed that my first love would be just that. I just thought there would be something better out there without realizing what I had in my life - and that's why my conscious was eating away at me -- this man isn't perfect, but he loves me, cares for me, always wants to spend time with me ---- crazy about me --- and I thought I could do better and I needed options. I was very naive. I was a late bloomer.

 

Things are different now because I appreciate what he brings to the table as a man and as a partner. I DID NOT WANT HIM BACK - I MET WITH HIM A FEW DAYS AGO TO MAKE amends and express gratitude.

 

Going to respond to SevenCity's post right now.

[Bialy]

SevenCity --- I never said I wanted him back when I met him for closure. He's the one expressed interest and desire to try again.

 

HE brought it up --- and yes, I'd be open to trying again because I'm more committed now than ever. I know his worth and I appreciate it 1000%. I wasn't the best girlfriend in the past --- I learned hard lessons.

 

I bring a lot to the table. If we meet on Sunday and he says he's unsure, THAT'S FINE! I was ready to continue on my original path of staying active and doing activities this summer through autumn.

 

NOTE: For the final 5 years of our "relationship" - it was open and I was dating other people. But he was desperate to stay in my life, so I would see him regularly during these past years. He was sick to his stomach about that, but he said he loved me too much and was hoping I'd wake up and see that he is committed to me.

 

In the past, I was the callous ******* in our relationship. I am willing to admit that. I HAVE CHANGED! Evolved. I have a clear focus and vision and I'm taking risks in love now that I would have never done before.