Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[Bialy]

Be honest and say what you have to say from your heart. Do not say anything that may lead you regret later. Get all the answers and closure you need as this will help you close this in the future. I personally wouldn't do it.. If there is no future then there is no need to meet in my opinion. You only meet someone you want a future with and the guy wouldn't move on or tell you he has if it was right. I wouldn't give him the time of day at this point personally but if you are going, be honest with yourself and him.

 

I agree.

 

It's over between us, so I feel I can speak completely from the heart without any regrets. I have nothing to lose and all to gain and my conscious has been a bit heavy - we've known each other so long.

 

I will be going NC after this.

[Trinity7]

Yikes, I don't think I could do it.. It would hurt me too much to see my ex..But I wish I could. I really hope you get something positive out of this! I'll be thinking about you. Let us know how it goes!

[soulmate777]

Its good to hear you decided to move on, but let me tell you something.

 

Yes do move on anyway, don't get false hope, but also look so good and confidant, guys do come back when they get dumped, he might someday hit you on, leave a perfect image of your self and personality.

 

if he ever come back in few years, you will not need him especially if you have a BF or married, but hey if you are single he might work his way to revive your feelings.

 

Again don't get false hope, hibernate him, lock him away in your heart and move on, you still have a large space in your heart for another man, you might not know it, but you will find the one, it might even be me, or the guy in the post above me, you sound like a good person and smart one, I can clearly say that he had no right to fallout of love, he should have given more effort, talking about my self, when I fallout of love with my ex I didn't dump her or cheat, instead I spent nights looking at her pictures, reading her messages, touching her and accepting her again, this way I loved her, I sacrificed my selfishness, I know it's wrong, but I wont change my self, I will do it to the next love if its her or not, even if my hearts break, I will pull it up, and someday there will be a girl that will deserve this, the real loyality, cuz loyality is not only about cheating her with others, it's about cheating her with your self.

[feelsobullied]

I don't know about this but I will tell you that my ex is mean as he spent a lot of years telling me I wasn't good enough and I believe cow ****** was the right term. He writes to me daily telling me I should thank him because he pushed me to better myself but I own him anything but. I guess your ex and your relationship caused you feel it was best to meet. In my case, I am trying to forget mine exists.

[Bialy]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement and advice. It means a lot to me.

 

Feelsobullied - That sounds awful! My ex was never verbally or physically abusive to me at all, thankfully.

 

THE CLOCK DOESN'T MOVE FAST ENOUGH! 1 hour and 45 minutes still left before we meet...

[Deviatorz]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement and advice. It means a lot to me.

 

Feelsobullied - That sounds awful! My ex was never verbally or physically abusive to me at all, thankfully.

 

THE CLOCK DOESN'T MOVE FAST ENOUGH! 1 hour and 45 minutes still left before we meet...

 

I just did that yesterday, saw my ex of 2 years. I waited 2 weeks to see her. I knew I couldn't handle it and I went anyways. I wanted her back so much and I almost wept in front of her. I hinted that I still wanted her, but never explicitly said it. Although I am in a fragile state, I know I have to move on, but for the time being I feel like I have just been stabbed in the chest. I know to go do something like workout, watch TV, read, etc, but it honestly just masks the pain. Only time will heal, but the damage is already done. Since you already agreed to meet up then do it, but be ready to feel like total **** like I am right now. Either way I support you and hopefully we can help pull each other out of this mess.

[Bialy]

OK, it went well! I was apprehensive, but I opened up and put all of my feelings out there. I didn't have anything to lose. It was cathartic - felt good.

 

This took him by surprise. I think it might have all been too much.

 

I feel GOOD. No regrets. So glad I took the risk and said my piece. I'm going to sleep the sleep of the ancients tonight.

[Trinity7]

I was hoping you would update! Glad it went good Get some sleep while you can! That stuff is precious around here.. lol

[Bialy]

I was hoping you would update! Glad it went good Get some sleep while you can! That stuff is precious around here.. lol

Exactly!!! I'm going to enjoy this sleep after two weeks of restlessness!!!

 

I'm in DC too, BTW!

[MzLady]

It sounds like you got some really great closure. Something most of us never get. It's surprising how much it helps you heal when you do get it. I'm glad you were able get whatever you needed to off your chest.

[Bialy]

It sounds like you got some really great closure. Something most of us never get. It's surprising how much it helps you heal when you do get it. I'm glad you were able get whatever you needed to off your chest.

 

Totally. I know a lot of folks (family, friends, and forum members) were afraid I might get hurt.

 

I've learned so much from this breakup. One of my lessons is to take more risks!

I didn't do that at all in my relationship - barely and that's something I want to carry into other aspects of my life.

 

Ex was taken aback - in a good way - his opinion doesn't matter - but it's always been important to me that if I've learned from something, the party involved should know this and how it's impacted my life.

 

I didn't bring up his current relationship AT ALL. Because it doesn't matter to me - I was there for closure. He said some inconsistent things -- about how he really isn't into her, that she pales in comparison to me because they don't have anything in common, that it just happened, and he doesn't feel strongly about her. And how they're "off and on" for several months. NONE of this makes sense because he's connected to her on FB and she tagged him on her page just two days ago about how she can't wait for all of her family to come to the house for Thanksgiving and how she can't wait to see his mom in August when she comes down to visit.

 

Really conflicting and was totally not necessary of him to say any of that to me - and I thank my lucky stars that I'm not involved in that conflicting drama.

Edited July 27, 2016 by Bialy

[joyful]

it sounds like an overall good experience. i think it is good to do a relationship debrief after a breakup once there has been a period of NC. why do you think he shared so much about the current relationship? how did he respond to what you shared with him?

[feelsobullied]

Thats a nice story. I am ready to date but my life is busy. I am establishing a career path and have a lot of personal things to do for myself and my son. I secured my house and will be a full time student with no struggles finacially. I accomplished to much to ever risk meeting the previous psyco break up person in my life but I am enjoying your story. I am only looking at new opportunities and excited about a new man who will come. I wouldn't do it personally.

[Bialy]

it sounds like an overall good experience. i think it is good to do a relationship debrief after a breakup once there has been a period of NC. why do you think he shared so much about the current relationship? how did he respond to what you shared with him?

 

That's exactly what I did for closure - a heart to heart relationship debrief. i would have felt the feeling of closure that I have right now if I didn't do this... AND I'm glad he didn't decline. I would have had to figure out another way to find peace and finalization.

 

I have no idea why he shared so much about his current relationship. I didn't bring it up, except to mention that it hurt that he didn't tell me he had been seeing someone for a few months. I told him it would have gone a long way, especially since we have known each other for 8 years.

 

That was completely unexpected. He said he loved me and that I was always " "the one" in his eyes and he could never understand why I didn't want to fully commit to him. And that he knows I wear my heart on my sleeve and that he always loved that.

 

I reiterated that this is closure and finding peace within myself. And that I know he's locked and loaded into his new life.

 

He responded with that stuff I mentioned above about his relationship. "That's not set in stone, I wouldn't say that at all."

 

None of this matters to me because I've got my closure. And even with what he said, he is living with this woman, I know it. And this is his new life. I respect that - and it felt slightly odd that he had to say those things about his current situation. He has always been the impulsive type.

 

NOT MY PROB! I wished him the best and all the happiness.

Edited July 27, 2016 by Bialy

[Trinity7]

Aw, I really am glad for you! That's awesome Sounds to me like he was kinda testing the waters with you, seeing if that door was still open. It's hard to say why. I learned with my ex to watch actions more than listening to words. I bet you'll hear from yours again in any case.

 

Well hey, seeing as we're not too far apart, if you're ever bored and wanna hit the town, lemme know I have a shortage of single friends to go out with.. lol

[Densel]

Sorry. I dont quite understand how is this a closure?

You are asking why he kept talking about his current relationship, means you still have feelings and questions in your head.

 

You and him met. He kept telling you about his current relationship status.

 

Did you guys talk about the both of you? The relationship you both shared? Where and how it went wrong?

[Bialy]

Did you guys talk about the both of you? The relationship you both shared? Where and how it went wrong?

I didn't break it all down, but we talked for 2 hours - and all of it was about our relationship with the exception of about 10 minutes where he discussed his current relationship. I only elaborated on that a bit more because someone asked.

 

Almost all of that of that 2 hours was spent discussing the good and bad of our relationship. I also talked about hard lessons that I learned -- and he did the same.

[Densel]

Thanks for the update.

 

I am glad you had this meeting/talk with your ex as not much people get to have that chance (including myself).

 

And you took it well. If it was me, i wonder if i can do the same. I guess i will only know if i had that chance.

 

Cheers

[Bialy]

So, a few days ago, I asked my ex to meet up with me. He wasn't sure why I wanted to meet until we sat down and I started to talk. I was seeking some peace of mind and closure --- and I did! It felt GREAT.

 

Things I Discussed

-The positive memories of our relationship

-His impact on my life

-That I understand why he didn't tell me that he was dating someone

-How I love him no matter what

-The hard lessons I learned

-My takeaways (#1 I will take more risks in love)

 

My ex became very emotional and began downplaying his current relationship - how it's not serious and can be ended at any time.

 

Yesterday and today, I have received the following messages from him:

 

Let's work on this. You're worth it and so am I. I need to think through decisions and options. You're who I want.

 

I love you. And I really appreciate your raw honesty, courage, and ability to share how you feel. It took guts to do what you did yesterday. I respect that and it had a real and lasting effect on how I think about you.

 

I want to continue the dialogue and see how we can continue to communicate. Thanks for opening my eyes.

 

I'm thinking about a lot of things right now.

 

So, I went in for closure and now my ex wants a second chance at "us".

 

THE PROBLEM

He has been dating someone for 7 months. The woman moved in with him 2 weeks ago. This woman is under the impression that they are together for the long haul. she already has plans for Thanksgiving.

 

HOW DO I FEEL

I would love a second chance with my ex - I'd be lying if I said no. HOWEVER, I met with him for closure, so all of this is out of the blue. Either way, I'm fine.

 

HIS PREDICAMENT

He has to make a choice. He's 48. He has to decide whether he wants to remain with his current partner who is 49 and has been there for him for 7 months.

 

OR, rekindle with me - we were on and off again for about 7 years.I'm 34 and I'd love to have a family in a stable relationship.

 

I guess he needs to decide how he wants his life to shape up.

 

I think he is in love with the idea of being with me, but realistically, he's living with someone who just moved in with him 2 weeks ago.

Edited July 29, 2016 by Bialy

[SevenCity]

Holy crap - that did not go the way everyone thought!

 

I think it all boils down to one question - what do you want?

 

Also, were the problems that caused the breakup resolved? Do you trust him? We're there any deal breakers in the RL?

 

You obviously have feelings for him. Is it worth the risk?

 

I would not worry so much about the other woman. He obviously isn't serious with her if he's saying this to you.

[Bialy]

I am still in shock. We have NOT been together since late January 2016.

 

It has been a while.

 

I would love to go all in with him --- for keeps. I'm not playing games. If we get back together, I will be all his and 100% committed.

 

I was the main reason we never worked out. I kept him at arm's length and wanted to keep my options open.

 

The problem is -- he needs to figure out what HE wants. If he wants to be with me, I'm all set. If he doesn't, no problem - I still got closure from that night and feel good.

 

This rests on him. He wants to be with me, but he has to break it off with this woman who moved in just 2 weeks ago. Messy situation. He also has to figure out if he sees a child in his future -- or not.

[Bialy]

My aunt said that if he wants to be with me, he needs to be very clear with his current partner. My aunt is under the impression that he'll need a few days to even up to 10 days to really think about this. But that he really needs to be brutally honest with the woman he's currently seeing to break it off and get her out of the house - IF he wants to be with me.

[JewelD]

So, a few days ago, I asked my ex to meet up with me. He wasn't sure why I wanted to meet until we sat down and I started to talk. I was seeking some peace of mind and closure --- and I did! It felt GREAT.

 

Things I Discussed

-The positive memories of our relationship

-His impact on my life

-That I understand why he didn't tell me that he was dating someone

-How I love him no matter what

-The hard lessons I learned

-My takeaways (#1 I will take more risks in love)

 

My ex became very emotional and began downplaying his current relationship - how it's not serious and can be ended at any time.

 

Yesterday and today, I have received the following messages from him:

 

Let's work on this. You're worth it and so am I. I need to think through decisions and options. You're who I want.

 

I love you. And I really appreciate your raw honesty, courage, and ability to share how you feel. It took guts to do what you did yesterday. I respect that and it had a real and lasting effect on how I think about you.

 

I want to continue the dialogue and see how we can continue to communicate. Thanks for opening my eyes.

 

I'm thinking about a lot of things right now.

 

So, I went in for closure and now my ex wants a second chance at "us".

 

THE PROBLEM

He has been dating someone for 7 months. The woman moved in with him 2 weeks ago. This woman is under the impression that they are together for the long haul. she already has plans for Thanksgiving.

 

HOW DO I FEEL

I would love a second chance with my ex - I'd be lying if I said no. HOWEVER, I met with him for closure, so all of this is out of the blue. Either way, I'm fine.

 

HIS PREDICAMENT

He has to make a choice. He's 48. He has to decide whether he wants to remain with his current partner who is 49 and has been there for him for 7 months.

 

OR, rekindle with me - we were on and off again for about 7 years.I'm 34 and I'd love to have a family in a stable relationship.

 

I guess he needs to decide how he wants his life to shape up.

 

I think he is in love with the idea of being with me, but realistically, he's living with someone who just moved in with him 2 weeks ago.

 

Sounds like you just brought up old memories that he wants back. I mean really, yall could have had this conversation when you were actually together but you didn't and he's dating someone else.

 

If you went for closure, which you didn't get because it's still very much 'open' and you're putting the ball in his court, why does it matter what he wants?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't give him a choice. It just sounds like drama. What if he changes his mind once the nostalgia wears off or decides he wants his current gf back? Would you be okay with that?

 

Keep in mind, his relationship was clearly progressing if they were together for 7 months and she's just moved in. and you said in your other post that you did not want him back.

[Bialy]

Sounds like you just brought up old memories that he wants back. I mean really, yall could have had this conversation when you were actually together but you didn't and he's dating someone else.

 

If you went for closure, which you didn't get because it's still very much 'open' and you're putting the ball in his court, why does it matter what he wants?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't give him a choice. It just sounds like drama. What if he changes his mind once the nostalgia wears off or decides he wants his current gf back? Would you be okay with that?

 

Keep in mind, his relationship was clearly progressing if they were together for 7 months and she's just moved in. and you said in your other post that you did not want him back.

 

I DID get closure. I did NOT expect his reaction to be this. I thought he was engaged, Honestly. I felt this was my last chance to get a sense of closure and peace of mind.

 

One of the things I learned about our time together is that I need to take more risks. Now I'm presented with this - yes, I'd love to give our love a second chance.

 

You bring up a really good point - his current relationship is clearly progressing. I actually don't think "we" will become a reality again. AND THAT's FINE. But I'm taking more risks at love instead of my old ways of setting up boundaries and having so many rules.

[Bialy]

Something that my ex has never been good at is being completely direct in messy situations ---

 

Yes, the thought of a new beginning with him would be absolutely awesome.

 

However, I don't think he has it in him to end his current relationship. And that's fine. If he has a solid, stable relationship, I don't blame him for holding on to it. And to avoid a messy situation of ending it to rekindle with me, his ex.

 

Honestly, I think he will play it safe and stay in his current relationship.