Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[Sunkissedpatio]

I agree with everything you said, in particular this:

 

Just because a man entertains a woman while in a relationship does not mean he prefers her. Especially when she's the one being kept a secret. Logic like that is why so many women become long term sidechicks. They sincerely believe that a man lying about their presence in his life really values them.

 

Bialy is definitely treading on thin ice and she will end up the dirty secret if she doesn't shut that door firmly once and for all.

 

The only difference between this and the stories that end up in the OW/OM forum is that these two have a long-time history of push and pull and seems to have been centered around Bialy's inability to commit. So this isn't a love interest that happened now as one of them is attached it is far more complicated than that. I think is what those of us that are saying that the guy is clearly acting out of confusion and making a mess of things but all the while maintaining feelings for Bialy throughout. We cannot absolve Bialy of her actions in all this she is the one that also keeps him hooked as he is doing to her.

 

Sure he isn't jumping through any hoops "right now" but she did meet him for closure after 7 months and once she knew he already had plans to move into a house he bought, sure she found out about him buying the house with his new woman but all this wanting to be with him has also be precipitated by these new known facts. They are both playing with fire here.

 

Since we can't shake his head all we can do is strongly advise Bialy to shut that door. Whether she will take that advice or not is really up to her.

[Bialy]

Thanks everyone. I've had a chance to read the entire exchange and I know what I need to do and say today to stop this confusion. I need to separate emotions from the cold reality --- he is involved with someone and the ship for reconciliation has sailed. It's a harsh reality. I've been delaying it because we both have been in a wishful thinking mode that we can re-build "us" again. It's heart-wrenching for me --- and I can't do it, wondering "if" or "when" he'll get up the nerve.

 

It hurts, but not in the same way as a few weeks ago. I feel like I'm entering into a phase of acceptance that this is truly done. Trying to accept that it'll be OK. And that I need to end this confusion. He's incapable.

 

In a couple weeks, I'll be on a week-long vacation and that will clear my mind - lots of hiking and mountain biking and time with my aunt. Detox from all of this.

[Bialy]

I appreciate the tough love support.

[runup]

Thanks everyone. I've had a chance to read the entire exchange and I know what I need to do and say today to stop this confusion. I need to separate emotions from the cold reality --- he is involved with someone and the ship for reconciliation has sailed. It's a harsh reality. I've been delaying it because we both have been in a wishful thinking mode that we can re-build "us" again. It's heart-wrenching for me --- and I can't do it, wondering "if" or "when" he'll get up the nerve.

 

It hurts, but not in the same way as a few weeks ago. I feel like I'm entering into a phase of acceptance that this is truly done. Trying to accept that it'll be OK. And that I need to end this confusion. He's incapable.

 

In a couple weeks, I'll be on a week-long vacation and that will clear my mind - lots of hiking and mountain biking and time with my aunt. Detox from all of this.

 

I'll be doing the same thing! A change of scenery is always a great motivator to move on. Moving on to the stage of complete acceptance is one of the biggest, most important steps in a relationship recovery. That means accepting that you will likely never get back with him again.

 

Surprisingly, I find it helpful to tell myself "She will never hear from me again. One day (maybe years down the road) she will realize what she lost. I'll be happy and she will feel regret. Hopefully by then I won't care how she feels about me, I will have moved on". Accept the situation for what it is and tell yourself positive things about your own future. It may seem silly at first, but reminding yourself how bright your future is will definitely help.

[sooshi]

How did the meeting go today, Bialy?

[Bialy]

I thought I'd give a long overdue update, now that everything is said and done.

 

My ex told me to give him until August 31 2016 - "If I'm not out of the relationship by then, you have every right to walk. I don't want to lead you on or make you feel like I'm stringing you along."

 

So my last post was on August 11 on here. I decided to give him until August 31.

 

Nothing happened. We met up a handful of times. From him - so many I love yous, "You're the one I want" -- "You're saying everything I've ever wanted and now I'm not in a position to take you up on any of this because I'm trying to disentangle." And so many loving affirmations said by me. I didn't think anything would come of it because he's so cowardly and casually deceitful and financially invested. But he's my first love and the sliver of hope gave me some life, ridiculously.

 

August 31 - we had been in constant communication upto this point, seeing each other, texting, phone calls. We were supposed to meet that day and he cancelled and asked if could I meet the following day to discuss his plan to get out, that he couldn't that night because wanted to stay home with his teen son.

 

Sept 1 - We spoke over the phone - he called - and said he feels trapped - that things feel so odd - he wants out of the situation, but his teen kids, his partner, everything was like normal. I sent him several texts that evening and told him that he should make it work with her. That I love him no matter what, but that he's so financially invested and emotionally invested that it's better if he stays for his kids and parents and for himself -- make it work, I said. I support you no matter what. I thought he would be relieved.

 

Sept 2 - I never heard back after sending those texts and I tried calling and he wouldn't pick up. He finally picked up and he said, "what is it? You know, I can't do this anymore. This is you just being your inconsistent self. I said some hateful things to people to try to work my way towards you, and I'm feeling worse now than ever. Are we done here?"

 

Stupidly, I didn't call him out on his bull. I just told him that I loved him and that I wish he understood how this is difficult on my end as the person who is sidelined for the past month and several weeks. He said he loved me and said let's not say goodbye - let's just let this be for now.

 

After we hung up, we exchanged a few loving texts. He wrote: "I will always love you. Truly and deeply. I hope we can see each other one day soon."

 

I woke up the next morning to discover that he blocked me as an iPhone contact and he deleted me as a FB friend.

 

It has been 20 days since he did this. I found out (without him realizing it at all) that they are engaged... As of September 17.

 

17 DAYS!!!! Just literally a month ago, we were professing love for each other and holding each other and he was saying that this was killing him being away from me.

 

17 days later, he is engaged. One of my friends, I think nailed it. He probably showed his partner that he blocked me on iPhone and and deleted me as a contact. But that probably wasn't enough to fully convince her and maybe even himself that he was committed -- so, *boom* engaged.

 

I'm not crying - just absolutely shell shocked. I KNOW I DODGED a MASSIVE CANNONBALL, but damn I still can't believe he was so impulsive and proposed. He is so unstable - just wow.

 

The FB post that they are both unaware that I can see is so bizarre. It's an old photo from March and a photo of a ring. Prior to that, they haven't posted any photos or tags of each other together.

 

This is the final nail in the coffin. I will never reconcile with my ex and I will never see him again. He is unstable, impulsive, and a liar --- all of the reasons I never wanted to be with him in the 7 years that we dated off and on.

Edited September 21, 2016 by Bialy

[lana-banana]

I don't think he confessed, if only because it came so soon after the mortgage (itself a commitment just about as large and legally complex as marriage) and he would never want to have you on her radar. My guess is he wanted to block you so you wouldn't find out about the news, or at least couldn't confront him on it, as it conclusively proves he's a liar.

 

He never had any intention of leaving her. He never will, either. But with that last text message of his he set up a future narrative as the poor trapped husband who's so unhappy with his life. Don't be surprised if he comes around in a few years. He may even try to dig into your guilt, telling you it's your fault for saying he should make it work. This guy is a manipulator to the core and already knows he can play you like a fiddle.

 

You got lucky, Bialy. Keep his number permanently blocked no matter how many times you change phones. And take care of yourself. Hopefully you are finding it empowering to spend time on things you love rather than giving all of yourself to a creep.