Met up and got closure, BUT ex is not sure [updated 2016-08-08]

[jen1447]

"Why was her car there at 1 a.m.?"

"She came over because she had a really stressful day, she only stayed an hour, why are you stalking me?"

 

Liars can find an excuse for anything, even if it's the dumbest excuse of all time. Trying to get them to admit their lies is just an exercise in frustration for the accuser, and the liar usually turns things around to make the accuser seem like the crazy one. And if she tells him she has been checking up on him, it's going to give him a huge ego boost to know she cared that much.

 

The difference is she'll already know the truth. I'm assuming she's a capable woman and has the wherewithal not to be taken in by a last ditch con.

 

The purpose of the exercise would be to see if he tells the lie, not fact-finding or to get him to admit to lies, with the main advantage to her being that it's closed at that point - lie confirmed, he's informed, she's satisfied, done. No wondering.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Who cares how she looks to this guy? Like you already said, why would she care what two losers think of her?

 

My comment that who cares what two losers think was in reference to the ex and the new woman discussing the fact that Bialy set the record straight because she is "pathetic and can't let it go." someone suggested it looks desperate and like you can't let go if you keep in touch or something to that effect....

 

But in this situation I think they are way past that. If they are going to have the discussion they are already having and she is still meeting up with him after 7 months I mean talk about not letting go...on either part...then this last step is no more desperate or pathetic than what has already happened. The guy clearly has problems setting boundaries, the fact he is even entertaining meeting her after all this time shows what character he has.

 

A lot of liars and cheaters have that trait they have an ex reach out to them and they don't know what to do, they actually sit there and question what should I do? A person who has a solid character, who is happy in their relationship, quashes that and there is no thinking about "what to do" They know what to do. Full stop. Let alone even continue to have any sort of interaction with an ex regardless of whom reaches out to who.

 

It's not about how she looks to the guy it is about making liars accountable for their actions it is about not letting him get away with the two-facing plus it is (in this case for Bialy) not looking as unstable as she was before. This guy let her date around other men in the hopes that she would commit to him this is to what extent he was willing to let her decide what she wanted.

 

By her now not closing the chapter with her new found knowledge it will just leave the guy feeling like HE dodged the bullet. If I were her I would want him to know he was the bullet not the other way around.

 

I believe in making people accountable for their actions, especially someone you were planning to re-arrange your whole life for. Letting it go, is just that: a non-action which means you "let it happen" I don't believe in that and I give a rat's azz how "desperate" an ex may think that looks. Nothing looks more desperate than lies and deception and cowardice.

 

One day everyone feels remorse for the big mistakes they make in their lives. That is a guarantee and it usually happens when Karma pays the visit. It's only then that they reflect and realize the pain they have caused onto others.

 

By letting it go he gets to walk away thinking that what he did was fine and the day of remorse will never happen because in his eyes, here she was again being all unstable about what she wanted.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Sunkissedpatio]

Who cares how she looks to this guy? Like you already said, why would she care what two losers think of her?

 

It was in reference to this:

 

I agree there's no point to confronting him. Confrontation is rarely a good idea and it's never a good one when you're up against such a shameless liar. You can't make anyone feel guilt or remorse, especially when they've shown zero capacity for either. Even going to his girlfriend is useless because it would be criminally easily for him to paint you as a pitiful, obsessed ex who can't let go.

[LD1990]

I think Bialy should just think it through and do whatever makes her feel best. If she gets anything out of confronting him, she should go for it. If she doesn't want to, no big deal. It's all about what makes her feel best. There's no shame in letting him know she won't be talking to him anymore, but there's also no shame in avoiding that step entirely. It's not a non-action. She's still taking the action of cutting off all communication.

 

There's no way to know for sure how her ex would feel or react. Maybe if she calls him out, it'll shatter his ego. Maybe he won't care. Maybe if she doesn't say a thing he'll think he got off scott-free. Or maybe it'll really hurt his ego that she suddenly decided to ghost him.

 

Sunkissedpatio, it sounds like confronting your ex worked for you, which is really all that matters. Personally, I never got much satisfaction out of it. All she would do is lie more, and I'd get sucked into some stupid argument. And whenever I confronted her with any evidence, she'd act like I was stalking her and insult me for having "nothing better to do with my life." Then I'd just end up wishing I played it cool and had shown her how little I cared with my silence.

 

Now, I did get some satisfaction when I yelled at her for continually stalling me over getting her things out of my apartment. So yeah, chewing an ex out can be fun.

[lana-banana]

It was in reference to this:

 

You completely misunderstood me. It's not about what either of them think; it's just that confrontation is useless because they aren't going to care or be convinced either way. He's not going to be embarrassed or upset about it, he's just going to look for a new target. It's a waste of energy and effort.

 

Bialy, you have to do what makes you feel good, but is there really a need to call him out on an enormous pile of lies? You reach out to him, he'll find SOME way to reach out to you in response, and then the cycle will begin again. It seems so needless. He tried to make you his mistress. He. tried. to. make. you. his. mistress. Christ, I'm getting pissed just reading that.

[Sunkissedpatio]

There's no way to know for sure how her ex would feel or react. Maybe if she calls him out, it'll shatter his ego. Maybe he won't care. Maybe if she doesn't say a thing he'll think he got off scott-free. Or maybe it'll really hurt his ego that she suddenly decided to ghost him.

 

Exactly! No one knows.

 

Sunkissedpatio, it sounds like confronting your ex worked for you, which is really all that matters. Personally, I never got much satisfaction out of it. All she would do is lie more, and I'd get sucked into some stupid argument. And whenever I confronted her with any evidence, she'd act like I was stalking her and insult me for having "nothing better to do with my life." Then I'd just end up wishing I played it cool and ad shown her how little I cared with my silence

 

Ya I don't know what your situations is....Definitely worked for me and I have 0 regrets for confronting him. Then again I was engaged to be married to mine and found out he was cheating on me with someone from work. Not like I went looking for him 7 months after the fact because I was still pining over him, but like in Bialy's situation he was playing both sides, he was keeping his options open with me saying just the right things to keep me hooked while dating the work ding-bat. They had an emotional affair for months prior to us splitting if not more.

 

So when I confronted him and cut him off for good it enraged him he did things to lash out at me in anger after that and I sat and just let it happen...! I put a wrench in his plans and it felt really good to let him squirm in his pool of sht. But it felt even better that I shut the door for any possibility of reconciliation EVER

 

]Now, I did get some satisfaction when I yelled at her for continually stalling me over getting her things out of my apartment. So yeah, chewing an ex out can be fun.

 

Oh TOTALLY! If I had the chance I would do it all of it all over again. In fact knowing what I know now, I'd be full of regrets if I didn't confront him. That would mean he gets to walk away getting off with the lies and that I still saw him the light of "the one that got away."

 

You completely misunderstood me. It's not about what either of them think; it's just that confrontation is useless because they aren't going to care or be convinced either way.

 

 

No, I didn't misunderstand what you meant.

Confrontation is useless for whom? For the cheaters! For them it is an inconvenience because c'moooon who wants or needs to be reminded they are scum?

 

Ya, lies and deception are also an inconvenience for the person being led on. So while we are all "inconveniencing" each other....I say confront.

 

He's not going to be embarrassed or upset about it, he's just going to look for a new target. It's a waste of energy and effort.

 

Boy that's a pretty blanket confirmation. And you know how EVERYONE thinks, feels, reacts because....?

 

Now that was just a silly comment. You have no idea what people think or what affects them.

 

Personally, I would want to take that chance because what is more important to me is setting the record straight over how some narcissist is going to interpret my confrontation. So to me it is not wasted energy. Plus I know for fact my ex cared about what I thought about him, and I hazard to guess Bialy's guy does too.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[SevenCity]

First, let me say it's ironic how everyone in this thread is saying buying a house with her means he is getting married and setting up you as the OW, meanwhile in the "Should I wait for the ring" thread everyone says buying a house means nothing and she's never getting a ring.

 

But I digress...

 

You have to look at it from his point of view:

- You forced him to leave

- He moved on with his life, because he had no other choice

- While doing so, he moved forward with another woman to forget about his hurt

- You magically came out of the blue saying you changed

- He still wants you back but now has a mess he has made out of his pain

- He didn't want to tell you the truth because you have given him nothing but words and he was afraid to scare you off

- He's scared out of his mind that you will change your feelings and he will be alone.

You can call him a coward, call him a player, but the reality is he did what a lot of non LS / non enlightened people do. He got what he could get when he was lonely and moved forward because you were not coming back.

 

Are you upset because he moved in / bought the house with her or because he did not tell you the entire truth? Did you expect him to wait around for you or were you expecting him to be completely honest even though you only gave him a short time to trust you?

 

If I were in his shoes I would have done the same thing. I may be madly in love with you but I'm going to be cautious and not blow up what I have unless I'm convinced of your sincerity.

 

He may be coming across as a jerk but I see it differently. He's hurt and doesn't trust you (why should he? You came out of no where and suddenly changed and he is supposed to take that at face value?). He's supposed to drop everything on your word?

 

And the fact that his lie has completely made you do a 180 from yesterday makes me think you were not sincere with wanting to get back.

 

Was it the right thing to do? No, he should have disclosed the truth but the risk of scaring you off was too much.

 

Before you fly off the handle, take a minute to put yourself in his shoes. Look at the posts from guys after they had their hearts broken. They don't make the best decisions. It's hard to understand if you're not a guy. You know that your time single may not yield any prospects, your self esteem is in the toilet, and you can latch onto the first woman that gives you validation. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it can and does happen.

 

Breakups for women are different. They often have to make a conscious decision not to date. All guys have to do is nothing. It sucks. Men have no support system like women do. It's not acceptable for us to burst out crying in the middle of the work day. Your friends do not want to hear it because talking about feelings is not cool for most male friendships and you're a downer. When I got dumped years ago and was crushed a woman said to me "why don't you just get another girlfriend?" As if it was a matter of running down to the girl store and picking out a new one like a pair of shoes. I began to realize that's the way it is for most women and she maybe wasn't trying to be insensitive, rather she couldn't understand why it was not an easy task.

 

Few guys are faced with a lost love coming back. Out of those who do, they are skeptical at best.

 

Confront him on the lie, stop seeing him while he's involved with this woman, but realize that he may in fact love you and want to be with you and is likely scared out of his mind.

 

If we can get the PM thing fixed I would love to give you my number and talk to you on the phone and share some of my stories. The stupid stuff I have done to protect myself, the effect having my heart broken has had on my decisions, etc.

 

A guys' mind works much differently than a woman's.

[Densel]

I do agree with SevenCity.

 

Your ex is in a spot where he needs to make a difficult decision.

And mayb.... just saying mayb he is buying time to consider who he wants to be with.

 

You should just ask him to be truthful now. Let him know that if he cant even be honest now what will make you trust him in the future.

 

Talk to him. Dont let yourself have any regrets.

[Bialy]

SevenCity -- When we make it to the PM phase of membership on this forum, I definitely would love to talk and pick your brain on experiences and perspectives.

 

I appreciate all insights, everyone! Seriously - so much food for thought. The support and advice means a lot. This forum rocks!

 

I decided to not leave my happiness in his hands - keeping things open-ended doesn't go me ANY good. Even though meeting him last Tuesday and yesterday brought back great memories -- it really was a bit of an emotional setback and seeing him somehow brought back some wishful thinking with his declarations that "You're the one" and "We belong together."

 

It's not going to happen.

 

I sent him a quick text this evening:

 

"Wishing you all the best with your life partner and home co-owner mate. Strong relationship; strong, passionate life."

 

Day 1 of NC begins tomorrow. I'm focusing on enjoying and relaxing and staying occupied the rest of the summer with activities and giving advice on the forum. Reading others' stories and experiences and offering advice has done me a world of good.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm glad you gave it full closure, you'll see, you won't regret it! It's like you said, why put your happiness in some else's hands?

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out...:-(

[SevenCity]

SevenCity -- When we make it to the PM phase of membership on this forum, I definitely would love to talk and pick your brain on experiences and perspectives.

 

I appreciate all insights, everyone! Seriously - so much food for thought. The support and advice means a lot. This forum rocks!

 

I decided to not leave my happiness in his hands - keeping things open-ended doesn't go me ANY good. Even though meeting him last Tuesday and yesterday brought back great memories -- it really was a bit of an emotional setback and seeing him somehow brought back some wishful thinking with his declarations that "You're the one" and "We belong together."

 

It's not going to happen.

 

I sent him a quick text this evening:

 

"Wishing you all the best with your life partner and home co-owner mate. Strong relationship; strong, passionate life."

 

Day 1 of NC begins tomorrow. I'm focusing on enjoying and relaxing and staying occupied the rest of the summer with activities and giving advice on the forum. Reading others' stories and experiences and offering advice has done me a world of good.

 

You have to do what's right for you. Even if I don't think its the right thing.

[Bialy]

You have to do what's right for you. Even if I don't think its the right thing.

There is absolutely love between us - no matter what - I will never deny that, despite all of the hurt between us.

 

But given the circumstances (he has purchased a home with this new woman and is building a life with her) --- his declarations that we belong together and that things feel so right for me and how he needs time to break it off --- it's just wishful thinking. It will never happen.

 

And emotionally it doesn't do me any good to prolong the pain or to go along with this. The lies and concealing are just too much.

 

I'm accepting that all of this has happened for a reason - all of our seven years together. And re-entering for closure was a stroll down memory lane for us, despite the fact that he couldn't tell me the whole truth.

[SevenCity]

There is absolutely love between us - no matter what - I will never deny that, despite all of the hurt between us.

 

But given the circumstances (he has purchased a home with this new woman and is building a life with her) --- his declarations that we belong together and that things feel so right for me and how he needs time to break it off --- it's just wishful thinking. It will never happen.

 

And emotionally it doesn't do me any good to prolong the pain or to go along with this. The lies and concealing are just too much.

 

I'm accepting that all of this has happened for a reason - all of our seven years together. And re-entering for closure was a stroll down memory lane for us, despite the fact that he couldn't tell me the whole truth.

 

What if he does break it off with her? What then?

 

Why are you so convinced it will never happen?

[Bialy]

What if he does break it off with her? What then?

 

Why are you so convinced it will never happen?

Because one of my ex's weaknesses has always been truthful confrontation and he can be very cowardly.

 

Specifics of what he said on Sunday.

 

"It could take a week or a month or I don't know."

 

"She's really nice and this will hurt her even though I know that her focus is not me, it's centered around the house and family involvement."

 

"I've met her 20 year old daughter and get along with her. She also has gotten involved with my kids."

 

"You can't text me so often because I don't want her to suspect anything."

 

In one breath he was saying we belong together and he's only ever wanted me his entire life and that he's going to break things off with her --- on the other hand, just an hour or so after saying that, he's talking about how he's ordering more furniture for the house and that he has to buy frames for his artwork from over the years.

[Bialy]

I'm not putting my life on hold or my happiness in his hands.

 

It's dangerous and it doesn't do me any good.

 

I even asked him when I was still very emotional if he would even tell me if he decided He COULDN'T figure out a way out of it --- he said yes. But he has always done the opposite -- he rather avoid and not confront the truth then to face reality.

 

(I'm the opposite - I've always been painfully transparent and wear my heart on my sleeve.)

[SevenCity]

Because one of my ex's weaknesses has always been truthful confrontation and he can be very cowardly.

 

Specifics of what he said on Sunday.

 

"It could take a week or a month or I don't know."

 

"She's really nice and this will hurt her even though I know that her focus is not me, it's centered around the house and family involvement."

 

"I've met her 20 year old daughter and get along with her. She also has gotten involved with my kids."

 

"You can't text me so often because I don't want her to suspect anything."

 

In one breath he was saying we belong together and he's only ever wanted me his entire life and that he's going to break things off with her --- on the other hand, just an hour or so after saying that, he's talking about how he's ordering more furniture for the house and that he has to buy frames for his artwork from over the years.

 

Yea that's pretty bad. I understand where he is coming from - he wants to make sure you are for real before jumping ship and doesn't want to hurt her in the process.

 

You're doing the right thing by moving on but I'm not convinced he won't reach out to you at some point. If he does, just say he's got to fix his mess if he wants to explore you as an option.

 

Not sure he will do that. The risks are too much.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Bialy you describe some of the character traits that my ex had in your last two posts and his tendencies. Though I have determined in my therapy sessions and research he was a narcissist.

 

Since we both liked that video we saw last night in that other thread so much, you might want to check this one out. In my case he fits 17 of the 20 points described. Quite alarming to see it laid out like this

I don't know if it applies to yours but you never know.

 

Something my therapist has also mentioned is once you can determine what personality type your past rel is you can work on yourself and how you relate to that personality type. There is definite value in exploring why people are the way they are if you are serious about working on yourself for better future outcomes.

Totally hooked on Richard and he is mighty easy to look at and so charismatic and funny.

[Densel]

If he does break off with her what would you do?

 

The new girl has done nothing wrong. So he needs to put her down gently. But if he is not honest with her, one day she will find out and that's it.

 

I do believe that your ex will contact you again.

 

Please make it clear to him that he can only be with one person.

[Bialy]

I've said this in another thread. Some days are better than others.

 

I feel so vulnerable --- it's a quality I like because it makes me hyper aware of my feelings and emotions.

 

Tonight I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I'm not proud to say that my ex and I have been texting each other for the past three weeks. He told me he is working towards a life with me and that he's trying to disentangle from his current relationship of 7 months. And that he loves me and misses me.

 

I believe this is mostly bull. I know he misses me and loves me. I don't, however, believe be is trying to disentangle from his partner. He would have had the wheels in motion 2 weeks ago. I just think this is lip service.

 

And I told him over text that I'm coming to accept that that he and his partner are building a life together. And that they do mean the world to each other (why else would they go into a massive mortgage together?) That he's emotionally and financially invested with her in a big way. And that this is the reality.

 

Now he wants to meet on Thursday after work. I wanted to ask him for what -- but he hasn't responded to it.

 

Word of advice to anyone reading: It's hard to move forward when you talk to an ex so soon after a breakup. Especially when there weren't any real hard feelings. We genuinely love and care for each other, but clearly this wasn't meant to be and the timing is just bad.

 

It sucks. He says these emotionally and love driven things with me and I reciprocate --- we are NOT having sex because he's in a relationship --- but it is ultimately all meaningless.

 

Starting on Thurs, I'm going no contact.

[sooshi]

Why not go no contact starting now?

[JewelD]

I'm assuming you wanna start on thursday so you can meet him and talk to him again. I think you've known from the start that it wasn't going to go anywhere. May as well start NC now, honestly. The longer you drag it out, the harder it will be to move on.

[Bialy]

I've been so emotional this past week - it's both a good and bad thing.

 

It just hit me hard that this is all lip service on both our parts.

 

It hurts.

 

My ex and I DO care about each other. We didn't have a malicious breakup. He's the sort of person I see myself visiting when he's older and retired. We are those type of people. And I take SOME comfort in that. I'm also recognizing if I'm a good friend, I shouldn't feel like I want him back. I should be positive and wish him the best.

 

It hurts so freakin' much!

 

I'm going to see him Thursday for the final time - there really isn't much to say and I know I'm leaving myself open to feeling vulnerable. All I know is that I'm accepting the painful reality that "we" will never be together again.

[sooshi]

I know it's all very painful, Bialy.

 

You are a good friend, but you also have feelings for him. It's okay to want him back. It's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay if you aren't positive and don't wish him the best (even though I'm sure you do, deep down). You're feeling vulnerable and that's okay too. Right now, the priority is being a good friend to yourself--not to him.

 

What does being a good friend to yourself look and sound like to you? Does it include acknowledging and accepting how you feel, and removing the "shoulds" along the way?

 

I hope Thursday goes well for you, or as well as it can. Big hugs to you.

 

Take care.

[LD1990]

I'm going to see him Thursday for the final time - there really isn't much to say and I know I'm leaving myself open to feeling vulnerable. All I know is that I'm accepting the painful reality that "we" will never be together again.

 

You're not being honest with yourself if you're calling this the final time. Right now, you're like the person on a diet who told yourself you'd only eat one cookie...four cookies ago.

 

You had your "final time" seeing him two weeks ago, where you supposedly got closure. Then you saw him again a week later, and got closure again. Now you're meeting him again Thursday for what? Super closure?

 

There's no reason to believe that Thursday will be the last time you see him, because if you were really ready to move on, last time would be the real last time. You're telling yourself Thursday is it because that means you get to see him one more time. Then you're going to stay in touch with him. And then you're going to see him again. And so on, and so forth, until you find your self-respect and realize that beneath all that romantic BS he's feeding you, he's really just trying to make you his other woman.

[Bialy]

Thanks, sooshi. I swear, in other aspects of life, I'm strong, but with matters of the heart, it's so hard. If anything, these past few weeks of communication have made me feel a true sense of loss. He said he wanted to see me after I sent him several long texts about how I'm coming to accept that he's in deep emotionally and financially with his partner -- and that I need to accept this reality. It was my response to him saying "I'm working towards building a life with you. Trying to disentangle."

 

You're right, LD1990. My mom said something similar to me when I was talking to her over the phone.

 

She said something to the effect of, "I wouldn't see him on Thursday unless I knew what exactly he was going to say. Is he going to say something dramatically different? If he so much as says "it's going to take time" -- you have your answer and that is that he is not going to do anything. Stop communicating, you've given him enough time."

 

My mom also said, "I don't doubt that he loves you. I know he does and he probably DOES feel more connected to you than this other person, BUT he doesn't know what the hell he is doing and thinking. He's in a relationship and yet he's sharing emotional intimacies with you - he's potentially going through a mid life crisis and you're just fueling it. Let it go. He's confused enough as it is."

 

It is totally disingenuous for me to say that this is the last time I'll see him when I've already said that twice before. My mom called me out on that. "This won't be the last time you see him, I don't doubt that, but you need just let this be and let time pass --- as in several years after you've moved on -- and at that point, you may or may not want to see him again."