The inevitable happened

[alsudduth]

Thanks for all your replies. I appreciate the understanding. Doing the right thing isn't easy. I have good days and bad days as I'm sure my husband has.

 

I too thought for a long time I would never be the type to cheat. I hate the person I became. It's a hard thing to realize that you are capable of hurting someone you love in a way that there may be no coming back from.

 

We have to take it day by day, I'm hopeful that the anti depressant I've started will help to give me a more positive outlook (right now it just makes me nauseas).

[BluesPower]

It takes time to get used to those meds, so just keep taking them.

 

In a couple of weeks if not sooner that side effect will go away.

 

Good luck to you...

[DKT3]

Thanks for all your replies. I appreciate the understanding. Doing the right thing isn't easy. I have good days and bad days as I'm sure my husband has.

 

I too thought for a long time I would never be the type to cheat. I hate the person I became. It's a hard thing to realize that you are capable of hurting someone you love in a way that there may be no coming back from.

 

We have to take it day by day, I'm hopeful that the anti depressant I've started will help to give me a more positive outlook (right now it just makes me nauseas).

 

I think the meds will really help. You always seem on edge.

 

I will point something out that I meant to include before that I think really applies in your situation.

 

Female infidelities are so much more damaging to a relationship. Not because it's more painful for men to be cheated on, I believe there is no difference there. The reason it's more damaging is by nature women are more nurturing and usually the primary caregiver of the marriage. So in order to get were an affair is possible she has to change her attitude towards both her husband and marriage. Sometimes it's a direct reflection of how her husband treats her but sometimes it's simply finding someone interesting then rewriting history in which the husband is the devil often in that case they tend to talk with n absolute. My husband has always....or he has never.

 

I believe a larger percentage of women have a hard time reversing field and simply walking back into the marriage. Men can most of the time just shut off that part and on about his marriage as if Nothing happened. He doesn't usually change how he views his wife.

 

Patience is the key, for both the ww and bh time for him to swallow the sh&t sandwich and decide if he can continue, time for her to disengage from Om change her view of husband and marriage then re-engage. I believe this is where so many f&ck it up, we did.

 

Als it's why I continue to urge you to be patient. Stop looking for the finish line, everyday you are both there is a step in the right direction. Recovery is attained in small bits, actions over words will slowly rebuild trust. No quick fix, no tell me what you want 10 years from now. Small steps, any therapist that suggests different is a whack job.

[merrmeade]

This ^^^ is really good, OP - especially

"Stop looking for the finish line."

Edited September 30, 2016 by merrmeade
Mfking autocorrect

[alsudduth]

So I did end up coming to visit my mom this weekend. She has made sure to have lots planned to help keep my mind off the obvious. My birthday is tomorrow so she took me shopping in the next town over and her and my dad are taking me to a wine tasting and dinner later.

 

While at the mall we stopped at a jewelry store and I had my wedding rings cleaned. I sent a picture to my husband to show them how shiny they are now.

 

So far so good! Home in the morning to spend the rest of the day with my H and kids.

[alsudduth]

So I'm about 3 weeks into taking my anti depressant! so far so good. I'm starting to feel some hope and motivation come back.

 

I haven't talked to my H about our marriage since the last time we talked about our relationship before I went to visit my mom. I would still like to do some MC, but I won't continue to push it. It won't work if he's not on board.

 

Right now I will continue to do what I need to do to be the person I want to be, one that deserves to be loved by her H. I'm trying to have the attitude that this is all I can do, and if my affair is not something my H can overcome then he will tell me when he is ready. I've decided it is not going to change the type of person I want to be. I will be good to him regardless, because I want to be a good person.

 

I have an apt with my counselor today again. I'm going to begin focusing on things that I can do to motivate myself to be happy, and to get back into being of healthy body and mind. My H has told me what he needs from me right now, which is time, and obviously to not have inappropriate contact with others. Now that I have those things under control and am doing what I can to show him my remorse, I think the next step is working with my counselor to become a stronger person, to recognize when I become unfulfilled in my own self and find healthy outlets without compromising my core character.

[40somethingGuy]

Well, the inevitable happened. My husband found out I was talking to another guy.

 

I have been trying to end it with the OM for some time and it was proving difficult. My husband found a text message from him so I came clean and told him that I had been talking to him and was aware that there was no excuse.

 

I'm not here to try and make excuses for myself or be told that it's ok. I just need an outlet to talk because I'm tying to give my husband some space to sort his feelings.

 

Few things to point out -

this was not a PA but an EA.

the OM lives in my hometown not in the state I live now

I blocked his number this morning so as not to be tempted by texts or calls I may receive from him

 

My husband says that part of him doesn't care what I do with this guy, that I am going to do what I'm going to do, and he'll do what he's going to do.

 

I told him that I don't feel like that is the best way to go about fixing this. I told him that I loved him, and he said I should spend some time considering if that is actually true or not.

I did tell him that it was true, and that I went about trying to solve a problem in our relationship in the wrongest way possible. If you read my other threads you will get some insight into our marriage troubles.

 

I understand that regardless of the problems an affair is never the answer. I was completely wrong. any ideas on how to fix this? We have been planning a move back to our home state (though is a different city). My husband says if we move back to our home state that I would no longer be allowed to visit my hometown alone. at this point I'm so ashamed that I would agree to just about anything he asked of me.

If you still feel that strongly about your husband why risk it all? If you are desperate to make this right with him then how bad could it have been to begin with? Maybe you got tired of the 'lulls of life' (kids, bills, running the house etc) but once the newness runs off, do you not think the same mundane issues or other problems would be present? You sound just like my WW.

[40somethingGuy]

Not at all. I actually think an EA is worse. It was merely a fact of the type of affaire it was.

 

It's true that I was weak. It's true that I should have never even started it. I make no excuses for my actions. I want to do what it takes to fix the marriage. I have been trying to let go of this for a long time. Not just because I got caught.

 

I absolutely agreed to his request to not travel alone to our hometown. I'm willing to give him full access to my phone and anything else he needs and or wants from me.

So in a year and half when you think things are back to normal and he is still going thru your phone will you resent him for being 'insecure?' I got that thrown in my face. Who do you think made me that way?

[BluesPower]

40SG,

 

As much as affairs suck for everyone, it is usually not always that cut and dry.

 

I have been on both sides and it does give you a different perspective.

 

You hang in there 40 and alsudduth, I will work out one way or another.

[Simoo]

Well, the inevitable happened. My husband found out I was talking to another guy.

 

I have been trying to end it with the OM for some time and it was proving difficult. My husband found a text message from him so I came clean and told him that I had been talking to him and was aware that there was no excuse.

 

I'm not here to try and make excuses for myself or be told that it's ok. I just need an outlet to talk because I'm tying to give my husband some space to sort his feelings.

 

Few things to point out -

this was not a PA but an EA.

the OM lives in my hometown not in the state I live now

I blocked his number this morning so as not to be tempted by texts or calls I may receive from him

 

My husband says that part of him doesn't care what I do with this guy, that I am going to do what I'm going to do, and he'll do what he's going to do.

 

I told him that I don't feel like that is the best way to go about fixing this. I told him that I loved him, and he said I should spend some time considering if that is actually true or not.

I did tell him that it was true, and that I went about trying to solve a problem in our relationship in the wrongest way possible. If you read my other threads you will get some insight into our marriage troubles.

 

I understand that regardless of the problems an affair is never the answer. I was completely wrong. any ideas on how to fix this? We have been planning a move back to our home state (though is a different city). My husband says if we move back to our home state that I would no longer be allowed to visit my hometown alone. at this point I'm so ashamed that I would agree to just about anything he asked of me.

 

I don't want to lecture you about how badly u messed up, but what I can do is give u a male perspective, and what I mean by that is what ur husband probably thinks.

The fact that it was a EA and not PA doesn't make that much difference, the thing is u flirted and talked to another guy, u already did the hard part, the sex wouldn't have been hard then, I mean from his POV u went as far as getting interested by other guys, what's not to tell him u won't do it again ? what's not to tell him u would have ended it if he didn't find out ? what's to tell him u wouldn't eventually have crossed the line if he didn't find out ? and also what can be the worst thing is that he may have imagined u and the OM together or what u would have done with him, I mean all this kind of stuff, so If u love ur husband that much u have to be ready to put up with all his ****

[alsudduth]

Been a bit - Things are moving along. I'm still going to counseling, I've started a new workout routine and am starting to feel a little better about myself.

 

I had a date last weekend with my husband, we had a nice time. We've been getting along well, and I find that he is interested to spend time with me. It's been a busy few weeks with the kids so we haven't had a lot of alone time, but when we do, it's mostly good.

 

He mentioned a week or so ago, that he feels like I'm making a big deal out of things - I told him that I thought this was a pretty big deal....

[Cephalopod]

Been a bit - Things are moving along. I'm still going to counseling, I've started a new workout routine and am starting to feel a little better about myself.

 

I had a date last weekend with my husband, we had a nice time. We've been getting along well, and I find that he is interested to spend time with me. It's been a busy few weeks with the kids so we haven't had a lot of alone time, but when we do, it's mostly good.

 

He mentioned a week or so ago, that he feels like I'm making a big deal out of things - I told him that I thought this was a pretty big deal....

 

He's trying to rugsweep. Don't let him.

[merrmeade]

He's trying to rugsweep. Don't let him.

Huh? She's the WS.

 

A, I was wondering if you feel the antidepressant is working.

[alsudduth]

Huh? She's the WS.

 

A, I was wondering if you feel the antidepressant is working.

 

I do feel like it's working now that I had the dosage increased. I also the anti anxiety med switched up and I'm definitely starting to feel better.

 

I'm at a point where I feel like I'm doing what I can to show my remorse, to show him he can eventually trust me, and that no matter how much of a dick he can be sometimes, i will never go down the affair route again. Doesn't mean I'll stay with him if he chooses to go back to his own selfish ways, but I will never have another affair ever again. The pain and fallout from it all is too much for us. basically I'm doing everything I have the power to control in the situation, and working on things that I have power to control within myself.

 

I've started working out again, I think having my own "thing" will help a lot. I can see small effort on my husbands part. I try to be continually open with him, but I've stopped trying to have major conversations. I don't want to rugsweep things, I just think there is not much else I can do right now besides keep on keeping on and getting myself in a healthier place mentally and physically.

[DKT3]

I do feel like it's working now that I had the dosage increased. I also the anti anxiety med switched up and I'm definitely starting to feel better.

 

I'm at a point where I feel like I'm doing what I can to show my remorse, to show him he can eventually trust me, and that no matter how much of a dick he can be sometimes, i will never go down the affair route again. Doesn't mean I'll stay with him if he chooses to go back to his own selfish ways, but I will never have another affair ever again. The pain and fallout from it all is too much for us. basically I'm doing everything I have the power to control in the situation, and working on things that I have power to control within myself.

 

I've started working out again, I think having my own "thing" will help a lot. I can see small effort on my husbands part. I try to be continually open with him, but I've stopped trying to have major conversations. I don't want to rugsweep things, I just think there is not much else I can do right now besides keep on keeping on and getting myself in a healthier place mentally and physically.

 

I really think it's the right way to attack it, let it move at his pace. I believe as long as you see progress it's a good thing.

[Cephalopod]

Huh? She's the WS.

 

A, I was wondering if you feel the antidepressant is working.

 

BSs rugsweep as often as WSs do. She should encourage him to talk to her about his feelings, or he will eventually blow up or make himself sick.

[Cephalopod]

I do feel like it's working now that I had the dosage increased. I also the anti anxiety med switched up and I'm definitely starting to feel better.

 

I'm at a point where I feel like I'm doing what I can to show my remorse, to show him he can eventually trust me, and that no matter how much of a dick he can be sometimes, i will never go down the affair route again. Doesn't mean I'll stay with him if he chooses to go back to his own selfish ways, but I will never have another affair ever again. The pain and fallout from it all is too much for us. basically I'm doing everything I have the power to control in the situation, and working on things that I have power to control within myself.

 

I've started working out again, I think having my own "thing" will help a lot. I can see small effort on my husbands part. I try to be continually open with him, but I've stopped trying to have major conversations. I don't want to rugsweep things, I just think there is not much else I can do right now besides keep on keeping on and getting myself in a healthier place mentally and physically.

 

He seems to be getting over it quickly.

 

Has he cheated on you before?

[alsudduth]

He seems to be getting over it quickly.

 

Has he cheated on you before?

 

Yes, it was mentioned in here in the middle of these pages....but he had an emotional affair and asked for a divorce before I had started talking to the OM. I started talking to the OM during the time we were talking about divorcing. Then my H decided he wanted to try counseling.

[alsudduth]

Hey LS! It's been a bit since I've posted. Not a lot to report, which I think is a good thing.

 

I continue to see my counselor and I feel like I am still making progress. The depression meds are REALLY helping.

 

My H still won't wear his ring, but I feel him warming up a bit more. He was laid off last week from his 20 year job, so I'm just trying to be as supportive as I can to him. We are all at my parents this weekend for Thanksgiving. I look forward to good family time.

 

Hope everyone is doing well! Happy Thanksgiving! (and Holidays!)

[alsudduth]

Hey LS~

 

I hope you all had a good holiday! We did on our end! Things are still progressing for us. I have gone to see the counselor about once a month now.

 

My husband has said he wants to buy a house together or move somewhere together. In any event he says he still wants to be together. He still will not wear his ring. I'm trying to be positive that it will come, but do you think it is worth it to ask him to try wearing his ring if he is wanting to still build a future with me?

 

for reasons, that I've posted here as well as spoken with him about, it makes me very nervous when he doesn't wear it. I get his reasoning here, but if he wants to continue a future with me, is it inappropriate to ask him to put his ring back on? We are at the 6 month mark of DDay.

[DKT3]

Hey LS~

 

I hope you all had a good holiday! We did on our end! Things are still progressing for us. I have gone to see the counselor about once a month now.

 

My husband has said he wants to buy a house together or move somewhere together. In any event he says he still wants to be together. He still will not wear his ring. I'm trying to be positive that it will come, but do you think it is worth it to ask him to try wearing his ring if he is wanting to still build a future with me?

 

for reasons, that I've posted here as well as spoken with him about, it makes me very nervous when he doesn't wear it. I get his reasoning here, but if he wants to continue a future with me, is it inappropriate to ask him to put his ring back on? We are at the 6 month mark of DDay.

 

Don't push, 6 months is still very early, but we know how impatient you are....

 

An idea, buy him a new one, that one represents betrayal and lies.

[BluesPower]

I does not hurt to ask, the worst he could say is no.

 

However, he should give you a reason at the very least.

[Jersey born raised]

Will he wear it on a gold chain for now?

[alsudduth]

 

An idea, buy him a new one.

 

I like this idea!

[alsudduth]

Will he wear it on a gold chain for now?

 

Nah. he's not the chain wearing type.