The inevitable happened

[Friskyone4u]

The supportive words are that you know EXACTLY what you need to do.

 

DO NOT READ THE CONTACT FROM OM until your husband is sitting next to you. He needs to know you did not set him up for whatever it says

 

DO NOT DELETE THIS MESSAGE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES OR ANSWER IT IN ANY WAY

 

If you do anything else you are headed for another D Day when your husband finds out, and he will

 

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. JUST DO IT

[alsudduth]

DO NOT READ THE CONTACT FROM OM until your husband is sitting next to you. He needs to know you did not set him up for whatever it says

 

 

shoot I already read it! I'll not delete it or anything, and show it to my husband as soon as he gets home. should I text him at the gym?

[turnera]

Did you tell him?

[alsudduth]

Did you tell him?

 

hes at the gym

[alsudduth]

I told him.

 

I said " I just wanted to tell you that almost as soon as you left for the gym, I got a message from "OM". I didn't respond to it, and you can read it if you want to, I just wanted you to know so that you didn't feel like I was trying to hide anything from you"

 

He said, "I don't really care what it says" so I said ok, you don't have to read it, I just wanted you to know it happened and he said "ok, we can talk about it in a minute...I wanna take a shower"

[Friskyone4u]

Do not delete the e mail in case your husband changes his mind.

 

What did it say and please do not say you responded????

 

Your husband may be "testing" you and if you make a mistake here you could totally blow your life up.

 

We all know the OM wants in your pants again. What is your plan to stop that from happening.???

 

Personally, I think your husband is making a big mistake not even wanting to see it unless he just does not give a **** because he knows you will respond to OM and wants to play ostrich.

 

So please tell us you have NOT answered this and then tell us why OM is not blocked on every form of social media that you own.

[alsudduth]

Do not delete the e mail in case your husband changes his mind.

 

What did it say and please do not say you responded????

 

Your husband may be "testing" you and if you make a mistake here you could totally blow your life up.

 

We all know the OM wants in your pants again. What is your plan to stop that from happening.???

 

Personally, I think your husband is making a big mistake not even wanting to see it unless he just does not give a **** because he knows you will respond to OM and wants to play ostrich.

 

So please tell us you have NOT answered this and then tell us why OM is not blocked on every form of social media that you own.

 

I of course did not respond. I told my H that I wouldn't delete in case he wants to see it.

 

The message said "hey, I'm sorry for everything I put your family through, I just wanted to say hi and I miss you "

 

H asked if I was going to ignore it. I said that was what I was thinking. That I made the mistake before thinking we could talk casually (all pre DDAY of course) and that I didn't want to put myself or him (my H) in a vulnerable situation.

 

I asked what he thought he would think or do if his OW contacted him. He just said he'd be surprised.

 

He seems glad I was honest with him.

 

As far as blocking, I thought I had. I guess it's only for calling. How do you block a number on droid from texting?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Get it blocked through your service provider. You can usually do it on the website with your login.

[merrmeade]

I told him.

 

I said " I just wanted to tell you that almost as soon as you left for the gym, I got a message from "OM". I didn't respond to it, and you can read it if you want to, I just wanted you to know so that you didn't feel like I was trying to hide anything from you"

 

He said, "I don't really care what it says" so I said ok, you don't have to read it, I just wanted you to know it happened and he said "ok, we can talk about it in a minute...I wanna take a shower"

His response is not the right one. YOU need for him to read it and then delete it - only because you already read it.

 

I'd read that you should have a plan in place what will happen if the AP tries to contact. We did, but fortunately after the NC letter, she never did. He had a few false alarms and told me immediately. When we figured out how to block her, then we never worried about it again. As previous poster said, go to your phone account on your provider's website and there will be a way to block it. There may be a small monthly fee. Can't remember. You can also call them and ask how to do it.

 

You can also block email addresses in your email account settings.

[Friskyone4u]

That message was NOTHING more than a fishing expedition and you know it. Sure he misses you. He wants more sex. YOU KNOW THAT.

 

Now as far as deleting it I would ask you this. Your husband does not want to see it, or so he says. If you do not delete it, is him saying he misses you going to be an ego kibble that is going to make you do something stupid???? If so, you better delete it.

 

Do not respond to this OM> Give him crickets. Men enter affairs for sex. Read that again please. He misses the opportunity to have sex with you. Once he understands and BELIEVES that will NEVER happen again he will not try to lure you any more. Right now, he believes he can start this bull **** "friend" crap and gradually get back to where you were.

 

Now do what others have told you ( I have I Phone so nothing about Android) and block him from EVERYTHING electronic . And if necessary get a new phone number.

 

And I cannot remember, but if any of your girlfriends know about this OM and know him, you tell them if they assist him in reaching you that they will become ex girlfriends in a New York second.

 

There is no half ass attempts here. You either do it 100% or not, but you do NOT leave any door open for him to try to wiggle through.

 

And I think your husband is being foolish b y playing the " I don't care" game. His ego and wanting to play tough guy ain't smart. If he is not pissed off, he needs a whack in the head

[alsudduth]

That message was NOTHING more than a fishing expedition and you know it. Sure he misses you. He wants more sex. YOU KNOW THAT.

 

you come off sounding very angry towards me. I feel like i did the right thing in this situation.

 

Of course I know what his msg was. Also, to clarify for you, this was not a PA in the sense that we had sex. An affair is an affair of course, but you seem awfully convinced that I can't wait to drop my pants for him. I have no desire to go back. My life is stressful enough right now without this.

 

Now as far as deleting it I would ask you this. Your husband does not want to see it, or so he says. If you do not delete it, is him saying he misses you going to be an ego kibble that is going to make you do something stupid???? If so, you better delete it.

 

I would like to delete it, but only if my husband is ok with that.

[Cephalopod]

Keep it for a week and then tell hubby if he doesn't want to read it you are deleting it. Don't keep it around forever.

[Friskyone4u]

You did the right thing. No reason to be angry at you.

 

But reason for you to be real angry at OM for trying to create more chaos in your marriage.

[merrmeade]

Keep it for a week and then tell hubby if he doesn't want to read it you are deleting it. Don't keep it around forever.

sorry but this is risky - Hubby needs to get on board and show her it matters to him by acting in tandem with her. It's supposed to allay his fears for pete's sake - besides make the WS accountable. She needs to feel that it matters to him and have a reason to do the right thing!

[Oberfeldwebel]

Your husband is never going to be the communicator that you want him to be and you are never going to just be content, as you husband wishes you to be. Still the fact is you are both working toward a common goal. This is just part of who you both are, flawed like the rest of us. Hang in there.

[Lobe]

als!!!! How's it going?!?!

[alsudduth]

als!!!! How's it going?!?!

 

It's going okay. I had an appt on Tuesday with my counselor. I told her that I realized one of the reasons I have a hard time trusting my H with our relationship is that he says one thing and does another....for example telling me he is too lazy to get divorced, but then acts very lovingly towards me afterward, and we talked about how I need to have a conversation with him about how it confuses me.

 

She suggested also having a conversation with him about what giving 100% in the relationship means to both of us, and to see if he would be willing to see a MC again as she really believes we need it. She said if he's not willing to put 100% in, then he's basically just waiting for me to do something wrong. And that that isn't really very fair to me, that we both deserve to be happy.

 

With regards to hearing from the OM, she said I did the right thing in telling my H and in not responding. She did find it odd that he didn't want to read the message. She suggested that since I didn't want to keep the message so it's not staring me in my face, to tell my H that I wish to delete it, and to do it together.

 

For my own grieving in hearing from the OM, I wrote a response email (without intention to send it) just to go through the process of getting my thoughts out. It helped and I'm trying to just move on and think of the positive progress I've made so far with my H. Just a small step back.

 

 

Wondered where you were!!

[DKT3]

Honestly, the therapist sounds a little iffy....I mean it's only been a short time since he found out, her urging you to force a commitment at this point is well...not bright.

 

Maybe it's unfair for you, not any more unfair then you forcing him to share you with another man.

 

Having an affair creates an imbalance in the marriage, the wayward spouse has some ground to make up. Demanding any thing above respect is a mistake if you goal is to save the marriage.

[alsudduth]

Honestly, the therapist sounds a little iffy....I mean it's only been a short time since he found out, her urging you to force a commitment at this point is well...not bright.

 

Maybe it's unfair for you, not any more unfair then you forcing him to share you with another man.

 

Having an affair creates an imbalance in the marriage, the wayward spouse has some ground to make up. Demanding any thing above respect is a mistake if you goal is to save the marriage.

 

I don't think really she meant literally ask him to make a choice RIGHT NOW, but that he needs to at least think about it. Part of the issue with my impatience is that he just doesn't think about it unless I push him to. He just wants to not think about it and live day by day. How will he ever know what he really wants in a relationship if he doesn't think about what he wants? How will he know if he wants to stay in the relationship if he doesn't think about whether he wants to or not? The goal for my therapist I think was to find a way to get my H to start thinking about these things vs trying to "sweep it under the rug" and just remain unhappy forever...That's not what either of us should want.

 

she knows my H, she was his IC also when he was going to IC....so she does know what may be helpful for him to explore what it is he really wants. Her specific suggestion, was to A. talk about what giving 100% means to each of us. B. ask if he would be willing to do that with a time frame in mind (Say Jan) and during that time get a feel for if when each of us is giving 100%, is it something we can be happy in.

[DKT3]

I don't think really she meant literally ask him to make a choice RIGHT NOW, but that he needs to at least think about it. Part of the issue with my impatience is that he just doesn't think about it unless I push him to. He just wants to not think about it and live day by day. How will he ever know what he really wants in a relationship if he doesn't think about what he wants? How will he know if he wants to stay in the relationship if he doesn't think about whether he wants to or not? The goal for my therapist I think was to find a way to get my H to start thinking about these things vs trying to "sweep it under the rug" and just remain unhappy forever...That's not what either of us should want.

 

she knows my H, she was his IC also when he was going to IC....so she does know what may be helpful for him to explore what it is he really wants. Her specific suggestion, was to A. talk about what giving 100% means to each of us. B. ask if he would be willing to do that with a time frame in mind (Say Jan) and during that time get a feel for if when each of us is giving 100%, is it something we can be happy in.

Oh he thinks about it first things about it first thing in the morning he thinks about it last thing at night before he goes to bed and he thinks about it all the time in between. Him not sharing his feelings with you doesn't mean he's not thinking about it.

 

As long as he's there you have an opportunity to work on it. I fear if you push the outcome will not be what you desire.

Edited September 8, 2016 by DKT3

[DKT3]

That didn't come out right, I used the tap and talk thing

[Lobe]

For my own grieving in hearing from the OM, I wrote a response email (without intention to send it) just to go through the process of getting my thoughts out.

 

And what are those thoughts? Out of curiosity only (not a suggestion) would you b comfortable sharing the email you did not send with your hubby? Why or why not? I kind of think that's a good litmus test for how far you've come in your R - I'd be curious to know what you said (coles notes version).

[alsudduth]

And what are those thoughts? Out of curiosity only (not a suggestion) would you b comfortable sharing the email you did not send with your hubby? Why or why not? I kind of think that's a good litmus test for how far you've come in your R - I'd be curious to know what you said (coles notes version).

 

I'll preempt with saying that I'm still working on getting over the OM, I have no desire to go back to an A, and am committed to giving my marriage the honest work it deserves to show my husband I am remorseful and want to see if what we have can be salvaged.......

 

That said, I wouldn't be opposed to showing the email to my H, if he wanted to see it.

 

The gist was that hearing from him was hard, that when I didn't hear from him it was easier to pretend like he had moved on, didn't think of me, and made it easier to feel like it didn't mean what we thought it did...but that hearing from him made me feel sad and guilty.

 

I said that I wished he would stop apologizing because I feel like I should be apologizing to everyone. That what I did was wrong, and unfair to not only my H especially, but to the OM, to my kids, and to myself.

 

I said that while I felt like my feelings for the OM were real at the time, that it caused me to become a person I did not like. I was lying, cheating, sneaky and I hated myself.

 

I said that I needed to the right thing, that I needed to find myself, and to put forth an honest effort to see if my marriage could be saved, and that that means not having any contact at all with OM. I said that working on my marriage likely burns the bridge with OM, but that it was okay because I refused to be a liar and a cheater again, and that if my marriage does not work, if my H can't get past it, then it would not be because I chose poorly again.

 

Lastly I wished peace for the both of us regardless of what the final outcome will be.

 

Again - for people who only skim - I DID NOT send this to the OM, and have NO INTENTION of sending this to the OM, this was ONLY to get my thoughts out of my brain.

[DKT3]

Doesn't sound good...it's like you seem to be doing the Honorable thing by staying married, yet your impatient about your husband being committed...I'm confused because that doesn't sound like a woman who wants to be married to her husband.

[Lobe]

Again - for people who only skim - I DID NOT send this to the OM, and have NO INTENTION of sending this to the OM, this was ONLY to get my thoughts out of my brain.

 

I love that you point that out for the skimmers...

 

It sounds like a very honest and heartfelt note, and I'm glad you'd be comfortable showing it to your husband. I was afraid it was going to read like a complaint against your BH not being 100% on board and you having regrets about not knowing how things would have turned out with OM because you're still in love with him. It's actually the kind of letter I think my WH would write is xOW if he had the chance. Though if he ever hit send I'd cut him.

 

Progress not perfection, als.