Author Andrew42 Posted May 26, 2016 Author Posted May 26, 2016 Today is def the worse, my emotions are all over, crying over the least little thing, not in front of my lad tho, he's def gone into himself and is very quiet
tinkerbell16 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Today is def the worse, my emotions are all over, crying over the least little thing, not in front of my lad tho, he's def gone into himself and is very quiet I remember sitting many nights on the shower floor and just sobbing while the water ram across my face. It was somehow cathartic. And also the only place my daughter wouldn't hear me cry... My heart aches for you and what you are going through. Did you have any indication anything was amiss in your marriage before she dropped this bomb? 1
urmysong Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I remember sitting many nights on the shower floor and just sobbing while the water ram across my face. It was somehow cathartic. And also the only place my daughter wouldn't hear me cry... I remember also sitting at the edge of the bathroom wall and crying and sobbing for more than 3 hours. Our house is not that big so My 4 year old son knocking the door asking "are You crying Mama, can I get in? And I open the door. And said, " I am crying because I am happy that You love me. Tears of happiness, You know.
tinkerbell16 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I remember sitting many nights on the shower floor and just sobbing while the water ram across my face. It was somehow cathartic. And also the only place my daughter wouldn't hear me cry... I remember also sitting at the edge of the bathroom wall and crying and sobbing for more than 3 hours. Our house is not that big so My 4 year old son knocking the door asking "are You crying Mama, can I get in? And I open the door. And said, " I am crying because I am happy that You love me. Tears of happiness, You know. That's the strength part I was telling Andrew about. We have no idea how strong we are but looking back it is an incredible experience in strength to the extent that it forever changed how I manage stress. Almost nothing rattles my cage now.
Author Andrew42 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I remember sitting many nights on the shower floor and just sobbing while the water ram across my face. It was somehow cathartic. And also the only place my daughter wouldn't hear me cry... My heart aches for you and what you are going through. Did you have any indication anything was amiss in your marriage before she dropped this bomb? We had been arguing a bit over the last few months but that was more down to me saying she was out working to much, turns out she wasn't out working but seeing him
Author Andrew42 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 It's the months of lies and deceit that I just can't process in my head, she's fallen head over heels for some little scumbag that has been acting as a shoulder to cry on
tinkerbell16 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 It's the months of lies and deceit that I just can't process in my head, she's fallen head over heels for some little scumbag that has been acting as a shoulder to cry on It is very typical. Many times the affair partner is no where near the "caliber" of the spouse. The affair will likely not last long. Statistically speaking they tend to burn out after the spouse has removed themselves from the love triangle. I cut my ex off pretty quickly. He broke down in front of me many times. I just knew there was no way to ever repair the damage he had done. He was a fool to throw what we had away. She is too and at some point she will realize it. It will be on her though... not you. She isn't thinking clearly and won't for a while... her head is full of oxytocin (sadly)... she is literally high on this relationship. Don't expect rational behavior from her. It will only frustrate you. I was lucky because my kids were older when it happened. I assume your son is younger so unless she abandons your son too you will have her in your life for a while when dealing with parental issues. I wish there was a magic way to help you fast forward through this pain and healing and also the legal process ahead. There really isnt. It will consume you for some time then... you will wake up one day feeling ok... then one day you wake up and don't even think about it and who knows maybe you wake up with a new love... but you will heal. For sure.
tinkerbell16 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 We had been arguing a bit over the last few months but that was more down to me saying she was out working to much, turns out she wasn't out working but seeing him Mine write me a 2 pg letter 3 weeks before the bomb drop telling me how amazing I was as a wife and mother and how he couldn't live without me. It's crazy and illogical. Gave up trying to sort it.
KBarletta Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 It's the months of lies and deceit that I just can't process in my head, she's fallen head over heels for some little scumbag that has been acting as a shoulder to cry on As hard as it is to do, you have to let go of the idea of trying to understand her actions. There is no understanding them. She is in an affair fog. Bottom line is that she is gone and you are only going to prolong your own pain by trying to figure out what is happening in her head. I doubt even she would be able to explain it if she tried. For your own well being, your focus ought to be on putting aside any thoughts of her/him and focus on your life, your child, and your future and protecting all three of those things as best you can. Best of luck.
Author Andrew42 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 Ok, an update...... I text her this morning regarding her seeing Ben over the weekend, she called me back in tears, asked where she was and picked her up. She was very emotional and keep saying she's missing Ben. I asked her if she wanted to go and grab a coffee. I completely kept my cool and my emotions to myself and said 'look come home, as bens mum come home, not husband and wife' I said a lot has taken place that can't be changed but we can change the future and protect our son from having to go through this. I said lets get Ben back on track then if you want we can work on our relationship as friends. She agreed. Have I done right? Also I found out today that this secret affair was only secret on her half, the lad had sent his mates on social media bragging about what he was doing with her. 2
KBarletta Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Ok, an update...... I text her this morning regarding her seeing Ben over the weekend, she called me back in tears, asked where she was and picked her up. She was very emotional and keep saying she's missing Ben. I asked her if she wanted to go and grab a coffee. I completely kept my cool and my emotions to myself and said 'look come home, as bens mum come home, not husband and wife' I said a lot has taken place that can't be changed but we can change the future and protect our son from having to go through this. I said lets get Ben back on track then if you want we can work on our relationship as friends. She agreed. Have I done right? Also I found out today that this secret affair was only secret on her half, the lad had sent his mates on social media bragging about what he was doing with her. Have you done right? As S2B said, it's hard to say, but until and unless you get a 100 percent commitment from her to completely end whatever is going on with the other guy, then there really is no hope for you two to "work on your relationship." It's good that you kept your cool, but as long as you are there to pick her up, literally and figuratively, she is going to keep you on a string and you will always be her back-burner option. She was crying because she misses her son, not because she misses you, right? That tells you something right there about where her head is at regarding your relationship. I would caution you against expecting anything good to come out of this UNLESS she totally commits to ending her affair and commits to working on your relationship. And it has to be 100 percent. Until then, I think what you are getting is breadcrumbs and bits and pieces of the truth, and I wouldn't trust anything she does or says. That is just my $0.02. Good luck.
Author Andrew42 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 She is saying she still feels nothing for me but I can't legally stop her from being here as she's on the mortgage
KBarletta Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 She is saying she still feels nothing for me but I can't legally stop her from being here as she's on the mortgage Right, but there is a big difference between not being able to stop her, and actually inviting her to be there with you. One puts the responsibility entirely on her, which frankly is where it should be. You are in an extremely vulnerable position right now, and I know how easy it is to just jump at the chance to have her back, but I think you need to be very careful not to put yourself in the position of getting hurt again and again. It sounds as if the situation right now is that she is back living with you but still involved in the affair? If that is the case, then I think the next move has to be to either end the affair or come to some agreement on living conditions for you and her and your child that put clear lines between you, as this does not sound sustainable. Unless she gives up the affair and you two are working toward being a couple again, I can't see how the three of you under one roof is healthy for anyone involved for very long. 1
Author Andrew42 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 She says she has told that guy it's over, do I believe her? I dunno, do I want to believe her? Yes I do.
KBarletta Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 She says she has told that guy it's over, do I believe her? I dunno, do I want to believe her? Yes I do. That is Step 1, ending it with the other guy. Step 2 is actually wanting to make things work with you and doing what it takes to make that happen. Unless she takes both steps, you still need to do what is necessary to move on and protect yourself or this could become a cycle where you keep getting hurt. I know that having her under the same roof seems ideal for your child, but I would caution you against putting yourself in some kind of constant limbo. I've seen people linger in that state for years with nothing resolved and I am not sure that is any healthier for a child than parents who actually fully separate.
GorillaTheater Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 You can't believe a liar and a cheater. What proof do you have? Be sure she is sorry she did it rather than sorry she got caught. And since she's saying she doesn't care about you I'd bet she's not sorry she did it = she has no place in your life at all! Exactly. Proceed with the divorce. You can always non-suit (after a few months, minimum) if you see genuine remorse and a HUGE effort on her part to figure out why she chose this path and to make you feel secure, but you're light-years from that now. 2
elaine567 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I think you both have to do whatever you have to do for the sake of your son here.
tinkerbell16 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Ok, an update...... I text her this morning regarding her seeing Ben over the weekend, she called me back in tears, asked where she was and picked her up. She was very emotional and keep saying she's missing Ben. I asked her if she wanted to go and grab a coffee. I completely kept my cool and my emotions to myself and said 'look come home, as bens mum come home, not husband and wife' I said a lot has taken place that can't be changed but we can change the future and protect our son from having to go through this. I said lets get Ben back on track then if you want we can work on our relationship as friends. She agreed. Have I done right? Also I found out today that this secret affair was only secret on her half, the lad had sent his mates on social media bragging about what he was doing with her. Ugh... stomach turns... welcome to rock and hard place. Don't make any hasty decisions. Only you know of you can get WHAT YOU NEED from this relationship of you choose to forgive her. Can you ever trust her once she has shown you what she is capable of? She feels nothing for you... don't you deserve love?
stillafool Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I just need to get my head round the fact that she isn't coming back, my wife, my best friend, that's what I can't under stand and absorb, this may sound corny but she was my world. This woman is not your best friend but more like an enemy. She doesn't care about you or her son. She only cares about herself and this young guy. The wife you married is gone and has been for some time. Even if she were to come back could you really stand her? Alot of betrayed husbands have taken back their cheating wives but the mind movies of them with their lovers never goes away. You and your son deserve better than her. 2
stillafool Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 It's the months of lies and deceit that I just can't process in my head, she's fallen head over heels for some little scumbag that has been acting as a shoulder to cry on Keep concentrating on this fact and soon you will realize she isn't the person you thought you knew. 1
stillafool Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 Since she feels nothing for you - act upon that! This is where tears are her manipulation... And you're willing to settle for so LITTLE that YOU invited her back in knowing full well she doesn't care about you/your feelings. You need professional help to delve into why you would do that TO yourself! She wants to cheat on you? Find a healthy boundary! Start looking out for YOUR best interest. Get the cheater out of your life if they don't care about you! ^^^^THIS^^^^! If you don't show her you are strong (by not begging her to come home) she will never, ever have any respect for you. You have to show her you are a strong man and will not put up with her abuse. If she no longer has feelings for you why are you inviting her to move back in with you? She can still see her son without living with you. I know you can't keep her from coming back but she hasn't asked to come back, you are asking her to come back after what she has done and that is making you look weak in her eyes while the OM seems stronger to her. BTW, I don't care what she told you it isn't over with the OM. She is just thinking about her fiancial situation at this point. 1
Frank13 Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 People aren't reading what the op wrote. She said she feels nothing for him and she agreed to be there for the son and then to work on being FRIENDS with the op. She never said anything about working on the marriage or relationship. I think she is lying about it being over with the Ominous. She just needs a place to stay until she can move in with him.
Author Andrew42 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I'm trying to do the 180 now she is here
Author Andrew42 Posted May 27, 2016 Author Posted May 27, 2016 I was sat thinking earlier although she is now here I feel differently about her, in some ways disgusted by what she's done, because of the unprotected sex who knows she could be pregnant?
GorillaTheater Posted May 27, 2016 Posted May 27, 2016 I was sat thinking earlier although she is now here I feel differently about her, in some ways disgusted by what she's done, because of the unprotected sex who knows she could be pregnant? I should hope that you feel differently about her. The only wonder is that you're not wholly, completely and utterly disgusted by what she's done.
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