Is this an Emotional Affair or am I just jealous?

[starpower]

You withholding her phone and restricting/monitoring her internet activity is not a solution.

 

Do you honestly think that these rules of conduct you established with the MC while she's away on this trip, where her affair partner is also going to be, will be adhered too? As she has failed to live up to any of the previous promises of her use of the phone and contact with this person.

 

Ask yourself where are her priorities? This trip or her marriage?, she has been unable to resist this guy, sent him pictures/videos of herself, and asked the same of him, even asked for your permission to have sex with him. Yet tries to make out that your in the wrong. She has been unable to follow any of the conditions before, you think she will when she is with him, with you 100's miles apart.

 

She's made her choice, now you need to make yours. You can't micro manage her actions, if she's not committed to this on her own, it won't work, it WILL come across as controlling.

 

You seem to be hoping for her to have some awakening, every time you think she has, you end up finding out otherwise. Don't be a doormat, she has crossed line, more than once.

 

You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Through the many months that I have been a member here ... There have been several sad stories that break the hearts of many posters here. The stories differ... But the bottom line is similar ... You might want to do a search and look for the threads by verybrokenman and naively sensitive. There are pages and pages of advice... Given to these two men... And I am seeing the same kind of advice here.

 

I am sorry you too are suffering like these two men suffered. No one should have to deal with infidelity..

[elaine567]

She is playing you like a good 'un.

 

She does something awful, you get all upset, then angry then lay down the law, she retaliates, she takes back the reins and you back down, thinking she is going to be good this time.

THEN

She does something awful, you get all upset, then angry then lay down the law, she retaliates, she takes back the reins and you back down, thinking she is going to be good this time.

THEN

She does something awful, you get all upset, then angry then lay down the law, she retaliates, she takes back the reins and you back down, thinking she is going to be good this time.

 

Ad infinitum...

 

Just now she is with her OM, doing all the stuff they said they would do to each other when they met. Stop being naive, she is not sending pics of her genitalia to some guy she just wants to discuss a video game with...

 

They will make a plan to buy phones you do not know about to communicate, and she will come back to you being "such a good girl", until the next time you catch her out...

[Moxie Lady]

Mrs Adams, I read your signature and started singing Alice Cooper

 

OP I dont understand the logic behind taking away her phone yet giving her blessing to go to a convention for several days where her OM is going to be. Besides which you cant lock her in a closet, the point is either she wants to be in the marriage or she doesnt. Seems she has answered that question for you.

[Hopefulandinlove]

I'm pretty worried that the biggest reason she wanted to go on this trip was because he was there... She seemed on her best behavior before leaving. Maybe it was so you wouldn't stop her from going and also because she knew she would be seeing him soon. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

An observation:

 

It seems like the dynamic of your marriage is more like a parent/child than a husband/wife relationship. The problem is that dynamic will never yield the intimacy and respect you're craving and rightly deserve.

 

You cannot discipline or control her. You must recognize what boundaries work for you and be committed to stand by those boundaries or leave if you feel those boundaries have been crossed. You are not responsible for her; you are responsible for yourself and not willfully harming your own mental health by choosing to stay in an objectively toxic situation.

 

I wish you the best,

 

OL

[DKT3]

It's hard to grasp your motives here op. Your wife is making it painfully clear you have never been enough for her, every attempt you make is rebuffed by blameshifting and pointing fingers at you.

 

She is also extremely manipulative, and painfully immature. It's obvious she doesn't understand what marriage and commitment means.

 

I guess my question is, how long are you going to be her good enough for now husband? She has actively been looking to replace you from the very beginning. If you hang around long enough she will find her suitable replacement and will leave you in the rearview mirror.

 

Time to start planning your exist, I don't see much here to save since you're so clearly the only one trying.

 

I think the only hail Mary you have is going dark, ignore her and totally focus on you and what makes you happy apart from her. Maybe (highly doubtful, likely would be another excuse for her to cheat) her seeing you moving on without her would shake her enough to wake up.

Edited June 11, 2016 by DKT3

[Poutrew]

Her going on this trip isn't the problem. The fact that she is having sex with the OM right now isn't the problem. The problem is that this relationship is done. It doesn't exist except as a phantasm in your mind. You need to wake up to that realization, so you can do what you need to do, for you. It's a good thing the house is up for sale. When it is sold, split the proceeds 50 / 50 and then just leave. Divorce her, and after you heal you can find a real woman who will care about you. When she kicked you out of the car and left you stranded in no-mans land, you should have seen how that situation is a mirror reflection of your real life situation with this woman. And, friend, DO NOT dismiss the possibility of her becoming violent and doing away with you. She already is telegraphing her mind process when she told you how lucky you were that she didn't have a gun, right before she punched you threw you out of the car. Take it for what it is: She is thinking that killing you will solve her problems! My God, I'd think it would be very sad to think you finally woke up to how bad this situation is for you - as the bullet is ripping through your skull

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Unbelievable! So you catch her sending pictures of her vayjay to a teenager that she wants to have sex with. You call her out on it and take away her phone. But then you allow her to go to a convention by herself with said teenager.

 

That's fine if you plan on serving her papers once she returns. Otherwise, you passively approved of her having sex with this kid.

 

At this point you deserve whatever you accept.

[Lady Hamilton]

So...

 

I think the solution here is pretty clear...

 

If you want to keep on a dynamic with somebody who wants out while acting in a way too close for comfort to abuse... I say keep on keeping on.

 

If not, time to reevaluate some things.

[turnera]

Wow. So proud of you. Because she threw half a dozen fits, you 'let' her go to a trip with her lover.

 

Great way to handle this.

[Abe Froman]

Wow... aside from a few comments which seemed fairly sympathetic to what I'm going through, I must attest that the rest felt a bit more "harsh" than what I had previously experienced in this thread. I don't blame any of you for telling me what you feel and "like it is", but I do think a few things need to be clarified.

 

1. My username is a reference to a scene from the movie, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and it is the only one I have ever used on this site []

 

2. I respect everyone's opinions and recognize that the responses have been virtually unanimous in terms of what the "ultimate decision" should be. Perhaps I'm simply at a point where I am simply wanting an "it'll be ok" rather than being further torn down (I'm dealing with enough of that in my "home life" right now--obviously).

 

3. I have been spending the weekend with family and I do feel a bit better when I have a bit of a support network to help me out. Even tonight was a bit "weird" as I drove back to our house (about 2-2.5 hours away) and then back to handle some responsibilities (related to my wife's trip). Just the simple act of being out on my own back in a lot of the areas where I/we have previously lived and had better times made me feel like I had turned back the proverbial clock a bit.

 

I will admit that I have a very real problem with the concept of me "divorcing". I don't want my wife to be my "ex-wife" and I don't want to come across as "damaged goods". It's not that I don't hear what everyone is saying--it's just that I have my own issues that concern me and I'm honestly scared about moving to Washington state on my own (when I've only ever lived in the Great Lakes region and all my family is here). There's a part of me that would REALLY like to have my wife beside me in that new environment as the move is coming up very soon and the thought of being completely isolated is rather terrifying to me.

 

I am not trying to make excuses, but am trying to supply some context as to why I'm actually, in some ways, trying to help myself through my decisions. I don't know if these are still "good" decisions or not, but I do want to try to maintain a relationship with my wife (if possible) for her sake, our sake, and my sake.

 

Again, feel free to attack me for my actions--but please recognize that my main focus now is getting some support due to the pain I'm going through.

Edited June 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Responses to off-topic posts redacted

[usa1ah]

Abe, I can understand what you are feeling. But you need to understand one thing, you will not be alright living with your wife. She has checked out already by going to the convention. I think the last you said of it was that she had not even called to wish you Happy B-Day, has she called you since?

 

 

Will it be hard moving on your own, YES. Will it get better, H*LL YES. You need a wife that will love and support you in life, when was the last time your so called wife has done this?

 

 

Life is hard Abe, living it with someone that doesn't care about you is near impossible.

[DKT3]

Abe the point most are making is there doesn't appear to be a foundation to repair or move forward with this marriage and this woman. There is little to no respect coming from her in your direction, no acknowledgement of your pain and anguish. She is fully wrapped up in her wants and desires.

 

This basically make the end if your marriage a safe bet. You can be proactive and not allow her to prolong the emotional beating she is dishing out.

 

I was in your shoes, too fearful to pull the trigger and do what's best for you.

 

From where we stand you are trying to prevent the Titanic from sinking one tea cup at a time. Pull the cord jump on the life raft and float away from this shipwreck

[turnera]

So, basically, you have low self esteem and you prize other people's opinion of you over your own opinion of yourself, so you're willing to stay in a harmful situation, as long as you can pretend to the rest of the world (who really don't give a flip what you and your family are doing) that you're successful, loved, admired, and wanted by your wife.

 

smh

[aliveagain]

We know your in pain, we are trying to tell you how to get out of your pain. You won't do what you need to do to end the pain because you refuse to acknowledge that your wife is the source of all of it. It will only get worse for you when she gets back. You will never get the truth about what went on at the convention and as much as it hurts, you will accept it just to keep any part of her that she is willing to give you in your life. Get your respect back, if you don't respect yourself who will? Your in for a world of pain with this one. Washington State is a beautiful place to start over, why ruin it by bringing your problems with you?

[starpower]

Did your wife end up calling you on your birthday?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Again, feel free to attack me for my actions--but please recognize that my main focus now is getting some support due to the pain I'm going through.

 

(We) I'm not attacking you. (We) I'm trying to help you open your eyes to the reality of your situation.

 

Allow me to make two predictions so you can prepare for it.

 

Your WW has spent the entire weekend with her AP. The affair has been fully consummated now. Upon her return I would fully expect her to distance herself from you even further. Your wife has bonded emotionally and physically with this young man. As a result, she will put up a wall between herself and you. She will be irritable and defensive whenever you apply pressure to abide by the agreed upon boundaries. Again, relegating you to the 'parent' role in this parent/child relationship.

 

Secondly, because you are fully aware of their affair, they have spent the weekend devising ways to keep their communications even more secret moving forward. They have turned up the heat, and moved this deeper underground.

 

I'm pulling for you, but I see this ending very badly for you. You are going to be forced to make some very difficult decisions in the near future.

[Mr. Lucky]

Again, feel free to attack me for my actions--but please recognize that my main focus now is getting some support due to the pain I'm going through.

 

One of the biggest dangers in a relationship is seeing what you want to see rather than what's there. Forget everything else you've posted - if a spouse was texting genitalia and masturbation pictures to a "friend", even the most ardent fan of marriage would acknowledge the serious boundary issue. And that single matter alone would preclude the approach you seem determined to take.

 

And that is but one of the problems you face, just one of the bricks in the wall. Most of us feel that "support" in your case means helping and hoping you understand obvious truths. We'll continue to offer, hope you're receptive to receiving...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hopefulandinlove]

It will be ok Abe. No matter the outcome, you will be ok.

[turnera]

Abe, I really don't mean to be mean. I'm just so frustrated for you because I've seen your story SO VERY MANY times. The husband who is scared, for whatever reason, to stand up for what HE needs, in case it makes the wife leave him. And it never works. It just doesn't. Women biologically cannot stay happy with a weak man. Meaning a man who cares more about not letting the woman leave than what he wants.

 

We're trying to save you from pain, trying to tell you that you have to be willing to lose her, to have any hope of keeping her. It's basic psychology.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I had posted early on on this thread advising the OP that what leapt out from his very first post was the fact that his wife did NOT love him but was only sticking around for the sake of security while she continued sowing her wild oats. Now after this thread has dragged on for so long and after the OP has been offered great advice repeatedly by so many well meaning people, he is still stuck at square one. He seems to be paralysed into inaction and this thread has turned into a novel with him trying to analyse ad nauseum about why his wife is behaving the way she is and continuing to make excuses for her inexcusable behaviour.

To me it seems to be a classic case of 'You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink'! The OP refuses to see the reality of his situation and continues to believe his wife will somehow come to her senses and wake up and smell the coffee. That is something as likely to happen as for the sun to start to revolve around the earth. I think any further advice to the OP is likely to fall on deaf ears and the good folk here should turn their attention to advising those who are open to the advice offered by well meaning people here. Warm wishes to all.

[deadparrot]

Abe, I think everyone here would only being doing you a disservice by giving you headpats and tell you what you want to hear. It might feel good in the short term, but long term, the more you draw this out, the more damage you're going to do to yourself. You're not going to find happiness with this woman, as she doesn't value you or your marriage except as a means of getting to see her AP. Don't you think it's significant that you say you feel peaceful the past few days, when she's out of your life?

 

You're being abused: emotionally, mentally, physically. I understand that you may feel a stigma about divorce. And whether that's imposed on you by society or by your own moral code, I can't say. But you can't force someone to be committed to you. What kind of marriage is it if you're still technically husband and wife but both parties are miserable (and in your wife's case, actively abusive)?

 

Please, please consider ending your marriage. From your account, it's clear that she has already checked out.

[usa1ah]

I guess we will never know.

 

 

I hope Abe had his eye's opened up by her actions.

[spiffyfox]

Hi Abe -

 

First off, I am so so sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately, this is how things are in today's society. with 'nice guys'. They get dicked. Marriage doesn't mean what it's supposed to mean at all, and there are few, if any, real relationships like the one your parents have. It's sad. Many relationships are a game where whoever cares less loses. You have to remain desireable, play the game, and act like you care less than you actually do. Your wife learned how easy it was to use you and manipulate you because of your past actions, and she used you to her full advantage throughout the years. You are in love with her so you don't see it now. You have a hard time seeing how messed up she is. You won't see it maybe for a long time, but you will eventually see it and all of the flaws with her. You deserve to find someone who reciporicates your love!

 

I used to be a lot like your wife. . I'm 24 now, but am very immature in a lot of ways. Like your wife, I play a lot of video games and have met most of my boyfriends over the internet. I still watch cartoons too! Runescape was my obession, and I flirted with tons of guys on there as well as meeting a few in person. Like your wife, I do not have very many real life friends and also have had trouble with other females in the past. The internet is a great way for women with low self esteem to find attention - especially "gamer girls". It's mostly men who play those games - not hard at all to find attention any time she wants or needs it. It's hard to admit that I was like this at one point. but it is what it is.

 

That being said.. I know you don't want to hear this. I know you want to deny it for your sanity and your love for her... but you are naive in believing that things can be worked out between you two at this point. She is 100% sleeping with this other guy. I am so sorry. I just read through that conversation between you and her on facebook. You tried everything you could in your power to stop this from happening. You gave her a chance and for awhile I was rooting for you - especially when she was actually starting to put her phone away at 9pm in the beginning. Ugh! It just breaks my heart to see such an innocent and loving guy get ripped and torn to pieces. You will never be the same person again.