Real Life and alike...

[Chica80]

It's been a month or so of LC or NC at all. I've never reached out. He did text and try to get in touch several times with some useless texts just to get me sucked back in. I barely responded, and just been trying to go on with my life.

 

I'm not gonna lie, it's been hard. But, I'm finding that I've been starting to feel at some level of peace when I don't hear from him. Still painful, but I can sense hope.

 

Yesterday and today were hard as these are anniversaries of some pretty major events in my life that happened last year, and were really hard and almost devastating for me. He was with me throughout all of it last year, and he was a great support during all that time. That's why I've been triggering quite a bit in the past week or so.

 

He texted last night with "let's be friends" crap. I called it out as crap, and didn't hold back in letting him know how impossible friendship between us is.

 

I'll get through this. I know I will. It's a long road, but I'll make it.

 

I'm just very lonely right now.

 

 

Hang in there!!! I'm glad you posted here hugs....

[Jemima1234]

A month- that's amazing! Be proud!

[Onlywhenitrains]

It was almost all good for a few weeks....I ignored or was almost oblivious to all the reminders of the A.

 

Last Thursday it blew up. I was sad, I was lonely, I had great things happening to me at work, and I wanted to share it with somebody, I wanted to be all my bubbly self sharing it with someone...but, there was loneliness and emptiness all around. I sent an unkind text to him. He deserves it, but still I'm not proud of myself. He just took what was available. I made it available. I was weak.

 

I could and can see now how my own issues were exaggerated and came in the full force by the A. Loneliness being at the very top. The A that could never give me what I need, want or deserve. I still did it.

 

Sad.

 

Right now, I'm just so full of anger. And, when I remind myself to get rid of it and be kind....I end up just feeling sad.

 

There must be a way out of this....

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

There must be a way out of this....

 

What if I told you there was a pill which would make it all better and as soon as you took it, you'd feel better? Wouldn't you take it? There is! Do you really want to know?

 

You forgive him.

 

You forgive all the hurtful things he did and said, all the lies said directly to you and by omission, all the pain and suffering you felt.

 

Forgiveness is for YOU. It's not about being his friend or even telling him, I forgive you, because really, any contact is a reason to keep that door open and hold on. It's not about getting the person back, hurting them or making them suffer.

 

Forgiveness heals your soul, lets the anger go, allows you to move forward.

 

I know! You are thinking, she is crazy - but it's not about saying you weren't hurt, he wasn't wrong or any of that. It's about cutting a cord, burning a bridge, letting go. Moving on to better and brighter things. Leaving it all behind you. It's about how much of your life do you want to keep wasting on this.

[Onlywhenitrains]

What if I told you there was a pill which would make it all better and as soon as you took it, you'd feel better? Wouldn't you take it? There is! Do you really want to know?

 

You forgive him.

 

You forgive all the hurtful things he did and said, all the lies said directly to you and by omission, all the pain and suffering you felt.

 

Forgiveness is for YOU. It's not about being his friend or even telling him, I forgive you, because really, any contact is a reason to keep that door open and hold on. It's not about getting the person back, hurting them or making them suffer.

 

Forgiveness heals your soul, lets the anger go, allows you to move forward.

 

I know! You are thinking, she is crazy - but it's not about saying you weren't hurt, he wasn't wrong or any of that. It's about cutting a cord, burning a bridge, letting go. Moving on to better and brighter things. Leaving it all behind you. It's about how much of your life do you want to keep wasting on this.

 

As many, many times before MB - you are spot on! Thank you! It's been something that I've been thinking about lately, and still can't just bring myself to do it. And, it's not flip of the switch type of thing. But, it seems to be the only way to go if I want to move forward.

 

Thank you! Your words helped so much!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Tonight I feel sad. I miss him. It's been more than 3 months since we saw each other.

 

I'm trying to go through the motions of NC. I know that's the only way to get out of this. But, tonight I find it hard. Just a moment of weakness most of us will say. It will last, I know that.

 

I'll be okay at the end of all of this. Till then....I guess I'll just keep on posting.

 

I want it to go away. At the same time there are moments I shared with him I don't want to forget.

 

I want to move on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Tonight I feel sad. I miss him. It's been more than 3 months since we saw each other.

 

I'm trying to go through the motions of NC. I know that's the only way to get out of this. But, tonight I find it hard. Just a moment of weakness most of us will say. It will last, I know that.

 

I'll be okay at the end of all of this. Till then....I guess I'll just keep on posting.

 

I want it to go away. At the same time there are moments I shared with him I don't want to forget.

 

I want to move on.

 

I understand. There is nothing I can say to make it better or that you haven't read a million times over here. But you are not alone.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Tonight I feel sad. I miss him. It's been more than 3 months since we saw each other.

 

I'm trying to go through the motions of NC. I know that's the only way to get out of this. But, tonight I find it hard. Just a moment of weakness most of us will say. It will last, I know that.

 

I'll be okay at the end of all of this. Till then....I guess I'll just keep on posting.

 

I want it to go away. At the same time there are moments I shared with him I don't want to forget.

 

I want to move on.

 

Agreed, I hear you and I feel all that you feel. I agree with Midnight- you are not alone in your pain.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I have no more tears to cry.

 

I have nothing I wanna ask him or tell him closure like.

 

That's a good thing, right?

[jennifernyc84]

I have no more tears to cry.

 

I have nothing I wanna ask him or tell him closure like.

 

That's a good thing, right?

 

I'd say that's a great thing! Sounds like closure to me.

 

God there's so much I'd say to my xMM right now, I could go on and on.

[jennifernyc84]

 

I want it to go away. At the same time there are moments I shared with him I don't want to forget.

 

I want to move on.

 

Wow! That's exactly how I feel.

 

That's why I was listening to our song on repeat today. Even though I keep wishing for the pain to be gone, I wouldn't trade the good memories for the world and I'm so thankful to have shared them with him.

[Poppy47]

I have no more tears to cry.

 

I have nothing I wanna ask him or tell him closure like.

 

That's a good thing, right?[/quote

 

Yes,

You have come to a full stop. YOu are DONE.

 

You might think you are going through the motions of NC, but believe me, it is silently working for you.

 

If you stick to it, you cannot fail to feel differently about xmm and the A. You will have moments of clarity and calmness to assess the A that you couldn't have before.

 

I am 10 months NC and I feel different. I no longer feel the "OW" persona. I was always of ashamed of what I was doing. Now I'm not. It feesl wonderful

 

Poppy.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I was angry for quite some time...for a long time actually. Angry at him, angry at life, and the most angry at myself.

 

I'm not angry any more. It feels like it's fading away.

 

Just sad a lot. And, lonely. The thing that is different is I don't long for the times together with the exMM, hoping that will ease the loneliness. It won't. It never did.

 

I felt more lonely while being in the A with him than before I met him.

 

It just feels good not being angry any more.

[FoundMyStrength]

I have no more tears to cry.

 

I have nothing I wanna ask him or tell him closure like.

 

That's a good thing, right?

 

I'm not quite where you are, but getting there, and it's been feeling like a good thing to me. There is a part of me that, deep down, wants to reach out and get answers. But the urge to do it has ceased. I no longer have to use my willpower. I just know it's stupid. Cruel to me. Cruel to his wife. So, it doesn't happen. But that part is there. I know I'll be done when that's gone.

 

I hope we both get there as soon as we can.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I'm not quite where you are, but getting there, and it's been feeling like a good thing to me. There is a part of me that, deep down, wants to reach out and get answers. But the urge to do it has ceased. I no longer have to use my willpower. I just know it's stupid. Cruel to me. Cruel to his wife. So, it doesn't happen. But that part is there. I know I'll be done when that's gone.

 

I hope we both get there as soon as we can.

 

I wanted answers for a long time, a really long time...for him to say it to me! He never did. That's what made me angry I guess.

 

The answers are not in his words. Whatever he said to me, ultimately it didn't matter. Didn't make things easier for me, didn't make me feel less lonely, didn't make loneliness on a Friday/Saturday/long weekend/vacation night go away.

 

The answers are in his actions. The actions that never were. Never will be.

 

I'll be okay. We'll be okay.

 

There is someone out there...who will love the way you shine

 

The rest is just life.

Edited January 21, 2017 by Onlywhenitrains

[winterkeep]

Hi Rains,

 

What you're going through (this entire thread) is normal and understandable but you're doing exactly what you should to get through this; as poppy said stay NC it can't fail you.

 

I agree that forgiveness is key to moving on and living an authentic life but you need to forgive yourself too. The self flagellation of 'I'm weak, it's my fault, I'm pathetic" isn't owning your part in this, it's you belittling yourself which only hurts your chances of recovering. Yep, you did the wrong thing and the aftermath of that exists but it's not your present or your future so tell yourself "I made the wrong choices but that's no longer me and I will no longer be hurt or hurt myself over it" you control your emotions and actions you don't need him to give you closure, support or validation.

 

I've been NC for who knows how long now and I'm happy, I've started to really appreciate all I have in my life and that constant blanket of pain and anxiety has been gone for so long I hardly remember it. I never thought I'd get to this point, it took a long time and I had many triggers and emotional setbacks. But here I am

 

There ARE beautiful, single men out there regardless of your age, height, weight or whatever self doubts you have for when you're ready to start looking, for now though focus on what's already in your life and learn to appreciate it.

 

It's funny, I received a text from MM for the first time in ages the other day asking me to download an ap that destroys text messages after they've been read, isn't attributable to a phone number or name and can't be screenshot captured. I guess he us still up to his old tricks if he's using something like that.

 

It just reminded me of how destructive and dishonest affairs are, I can't imagine needing something as deceptive and ugly as that to communicate with someone you "love" or anyone at all for that matter. It's so ugly. If we were still in the affair I'd have used it, every time it would have been a reminder of my place but sadly I'd have done it. Now the thought of it turns my stomach and I'm proud of that, I'm not that dishonest, inauthentic woman anymore- and neither are you! So no more negative self talk.

Edited January 25, 2017 by winterkeep
Spelling!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Hi Rains,

 

What you're going through (this entire thread) is normal and understandable but you're doing exactly what you should to get through this; as poppy said stay NC it can't fail you.

 

I agree that forgiveness is key to moving on and living an authentic life but you need to forgive yourself too. The self flagellation of 'I'm weak, it's my fault, I'm pathetic" isn't owning your part in this, it's you belittling yourself which only hurts your chances of recovering. Yep, you did the wrong thing and the aftermath of that exists but it's not your present or your future so tell yourself "I made the wrong choices but that's no longer me and I will no longer be hurt or hurt myself over it" you control your emotions and actions you don't need him to give you closure, support or validation.

 

I've been NC for who knows how long now and I'm happy, I've started to really appreciate all I have in my life and that constant blanket of pain and anxiety has been gone for so long I hardly remember it. I never thought I'd get to this point, it took a long time and I had many triggers and emotional setbacks. But here I am

 

There ARE beautiful, single men out there regardless of your age, height, weight or whatever self doubts you have for when you're ready to start looking, for now though focus on what's already in your life and learn to appreciate it.

 

It's funny, I received a text from MM for the first time in ages the other day asking me to download an ap that destroys text messages after they've been read, isn't attributable to a phone number or name and can't be screenshot captured. I guess he us still up to his old tricks if he's using something like that.

 

It just reminded me of how destructive and dishonest affairs are, I can't imagine needing something as deceptive and ugly as that to communicate with someone you "love" or anyone at all for that matter. It's so ugly. If we were still in the affair I'd have used it, every time it would have been a reminder of my place but sadly I'd have done it. Now the thought of it turns my stomach and I'm proud of that, I'm not that dishonest, inauthentic woman anymore- and neither are you! So no more negative self talk.

 

Thanks, Winterkeep!

 

I keep reminding myself that this is normal and expected in healing process after the A. It's not always easy, but I'm much better now than I was after the break up 4-5 months ago, and I can see now how each day there is small, incremental progress. I guess that's a good thing.

 

I used to beat myself up quite a bit, you are right. But, the more time passes the more focus is shifting towards future and where I'm going. And just telling myself - yes, you messed up, but that's past so move on into bigger and better things.

 

It's time and patience. One day at the time.

 

Glad to hear you are doing well!

 

Thank you for your kind words!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Two years ago today, I met xMM on our first date. We had a great time, and I remember driving back home and thinking "I don't know what to think about this guy". He told me he was separated, that he has a son, and that it's complicated. I liked him. So, I continued seeing him.

 

A month or so later, I found out he was not really separated as he represented it to be, but he was "coexisting" with his wife while raising a son. Another of those stories about "allegedly" sexless marriage.

 

Stupid me continued seeing him. Stupid me.

 

It lasted 18+ months ago, the A. I finally ended it (after so many unsuccessful attempts) early fall last year. We saw each other after that break up a few times for a coffee and he pushed hard for continuing the A. I panicked every time, and couldn't go back. He sent me flowers for my birthday in December. We had a drink on 12/30 last year. He pushed again for continuing the A. I just said that those people in your life you love and care for, you don't hide them. You do quite the opposite of hiding them. He didn't have an answer to that.

 

There hasn't been any contact since that last time.

 

Here I am. Yeah, it's an anniversary of our first date. And, anniversaries of times with him used to hit me pretty hard.

 

Tonight I know that I don't care what he thinks, feels or ever felt. What matters is who I am, what I want, and feel. I write the final chapter of that story - what it was, and what it felt to ME. I write the ending.

 

What I felt was real. And that's really all that matters.

 

Him...not my circus, not my monkies

[MidnightBlue1980]

Two years ago today, I met xMM on our first date. We had a great time, and I remember driving back home and thinking "I don't know what to think about this guy". He told me he was separated, that he has a son, and that it's complicated. I liked him. So, I continued seeing him.

 

A month or so later, I found out he was not really separated as he represented it to be, but he was "coexisting" with his wife while raising a son. Another of those stories about "allegedly" sexless marriage.

 

Stupid me continued seeing him. Stupid me.

 

It lasted 18+ months ago, the A. I finally ended it (after so many unsuccessful attempts) early fall last year. We saw each other after that break up a few times for a coffee and he pushed hard for continuing the A. I panicked every time, and couldn't go back. He sent me flowers for my birthday in December. We had a drink on 12/30 last year. He pushed again for continuing the A. I just said that those people in your life you love and care for, you don't hide them. You do quite the opposite of hiding them. He didn't have an answer to that.

 

There hasn't been any contact since that last time.

 

Here I am. Yeah, it's an anniversary of our first date. And, anniversaries of times with him used to hit me pretty hard.

 

Tonight I know that I don't care what he thinks, feels or ever felt. What matters is who I am, what I want, and feel. I write the final chapter of that story - what it was, and what it felt to ME. I write the ending.

 

What I felt was real. And that's really all that matters.

 

Him...not my circus, not my monkies

 

It's good to update your thread. You encouraged me to do so as well. It's a long road and you should feel proud that you took decisive action to change your life and possible future.

 

He is trapped in his life. Leave him to it, as I left mine to his.

 

They are irrelevant to us.

[Serendipity55]

Thank you for updating your thread - I can't tell you how helpful it is to know we're all going through the same range of emotions. Not being able to talk to family or friends about this (because I feel shame) makes it a lonely place to be but this board really is a lifeline. There's so much empathy on here from all sides of the equation and it gives me strength when I am feeling low.

 

MidnightBlue - you also write about your experience so eloquently and sound strong. It's inspiring and it's supportive.

 

So thank you both (and everyone else who shares) xx

[Hunniebae]

Two years ago today, I met xMM on our first date. We had a great time, and I remember driving back home and thinking "I don't know what to think about this guy". He told me he was separated, that he has a son, and that it's complicated. I liked him. So, I continued seeing him.

 

A month or so later, I found out he was not really separated as he represented it to be, but he was "coexisting" with his wife while raising a son. Another of those stories about "allegedly" sexless marriage.

 

Stupid me continued seeing him. Stupid me.

 

It lasted 18+ months ago, the A. I finally ended it (after so many unsuccessful attempts) early fall last year. We saw each other after that break up a few times for a coffee and he pushed hard for continuing the A. I panicked every time, and couldn't go back. He sent me flowers for my birthday in December. We had a drink on 12/30 last year. He pushed again for continuing the A. I just said that those people in your life you love and care for, you don't hide them. You do quite the opposite of hiding them. He didn't have an answer to that.

 

There hasn't been any contact since that last time.

 

Here I am. Yeah, it's an anniversary of our first date. And, anniversaries of times with him used to hit me pretty hard.

 

Tonight I know that I don't care what he thinks, feels or ever felt. What matters is who I am, what I want, and feel. I write the final chapter of that story - what it was, and what it felt to ME. I write the ending.

 

What I felt was real. And that's really all that matters.

 

Him...not my circus, not my monkies

 

 

 

I'm currently in nc and I agree with not counting down the days.

 

Your story has been very helpful to me as I journey through nc.

[Onlywhenitrains]

There are nights like this when I want him to hurt just like I do now.

I don't know why thoughts of some sort of revenge still haven't left me.

I'm not even angry any more like I used to be.

It's been almost 5 months since it was over. And, 3 or so months since I saw/talked/texted him. And, I still have bad nights. I still hurt. I still have not found my permanent place of peace.

When does thia end? Never???

[Aloneuk]

I think one of the reasons it hurts so much is because they (MM) seem to walk back into their lives, totally unaffected by it all. They put us in a little box and are able to move on so easily. Whereas we feel a deeper connection to them and can't understand how they can do what they did and walk away.

 

For me, I can't understand how he can tell me the things he told me, and apparently have such depth of feelings for me, then go home and pretend we didn't exist. Its like he flicks a switch in his head and I'm gone. I feel sad that I meant so little to him. That I was willing to leave my H for a lie.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. You will get there. These things are sent to try us. And just think how much you will appreciate a real loving connection with a decent guy when he enters your life. You'll have the last laugh.

[cloche]

It's been 2 1/2 years for me. I'm still not over it.

 

I feel cheated - swindled.

 

Clearly I'm doing something wrong - at this point it's got to be on Me. I just don't seem to be able to prevent my mind from returning again and again to the same running dialogue , asking myself the same questions over and over: what could i have done differently, and would it have made any difference.

 

i'm stuck.

[Quiet Storms]

You will get over him. I promise.

 

It may take years (sorry), but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there.

 

And one more thing -- when you do get to that stage, you will wonder why on earth you ever thought that guy was all that and a bag of chips.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Quiet Storms