Real Life and alike...

[Onlywhenitrains]

NC.

 

NC stands for "No Contact" with your affair partner. The overwhelmingly and firmly advocated method for getting out the affair on LS. The reasoning behind it has been posted by many, explained and fully justified. I don't think I can argue with any of those points. Block his phone number so he can't send you texts, send his email to spam, close the email account you've been using during the A, block him on all social media....Facebook, Twitter, Instagram...whatever is the latest.

 

What is behind all of it? It's desire and this is really important - DETERMINATION - never, EVER to get in touch with your AP. For the simple reason of not getting sucked back into the A again. Makes sense.

 

I've been in NC for over a month after a year long affair. We didn't use social media at all, didn't have email account for us only either. We communicated via text, and sometimes he called, mostly because I bitched and complained that I can't call him on the phone and talk to him when I want to. Him calling me didn't help at all, b/c .....well, we know....he called and, I picked up and we talked. NOT I CALLLED, HE PICKED UP AND WE TALKED. I digress...

 

We broke more than a month ago. I did not block his phone number, didn't block him anywhere on the social media, as we never used those.

 

The point is - I DON'T BELIEVE IN ALL THAT BLOCKING THING!

 

If he contacts me, I hope to be in indifference stage where him reaching out doesn't matter. If I'm not there, and get back sucked into the A, so be it.

 

I want to reach the point of indifference towards him with having all information available, including knowing of him reaching out to me. I don't want to and can't bring this healing journey to an end without knowing all information available to me. Be it him reaching out or not.

 

So, choose what's best for you! Choose what you think you need to heal! Regardless of the pressure coming from conventional wisdom. Just, don't use your choice as an excuse if things turn ugly. I take full responsibility for not blocking his number, or not blocking him on a social media. If he doesn't contact me, I'll heal sooner. If he does, ....well, I'll take it from there.

 

If I, in my darkest hour break the NC thing and press "send" on whatever text I feel like sending to him in the moment. So, be it. The point here is we are all human, and we make choices. And, mistakes. It's about owning them in the aftermath. I know I'll own mine. If I reach out to him and text, it will mean I'm not fully DETERMINED to heal and set myself free. And, I'll have to and will live with that.

 

It's not really about NC. It's about YOU finally wanting to get out of the toxicity of the A to live an AUTHENTIC life. You have to want it. If you do, NC comes naturally and organically.

 

Despite how much I miss him right now, and wondering if he feels the same or wants to text me and reach out to me....despite how hard all that is, I still want MY OWN, AUTHENTIC LIFE! More than I want to go back to the A with him.

 

It's not about the accepted rules of NC. IT'S ABOUT YOU! Determined or not to take the control and power over your life back.

Edited June 10, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[lftbehind]

It drives me nuts when I wake up in the middle of the night, can't sleep, and all I can think of is him! Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!

 

Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement! It means and helps a lot!

 

I hate that, too. I've lost so much sleep thinking of MM. You just wish they could be yours and you feel so lonely that they're not.

[lftbehind]

There is really one way to stake though the heart of this relationship. Write a letter of exposure to his wife and send it to him with a note that it will be sent to the wife unless he honors NC. Include texts, date time, etc in short make it his worst nightmare.

 

Privatelegal last post summed up the situation. I've read posts from WS that are fine living within those constraints, but in every case they had more than the one AP involved. They had a movie person, a theater person, a ski person, etc. Is this who you are?

 

What do you mean by living within those constraints and more that 1 AP involved?

[Onlywhenitrains]

They do.

 

I got text from him two days ago. Something along the lines of me throwing away everything we had, and how it takes both of us to work on it together. I didn't respond for a day or so. Finally yesterday I fired back saying:

 

"B******! And, you know it! It takes two people for relationship, more than that is too crowded. My ask from you is to respect my own personal space and privacy. There is no place for you there."

 

Didn't hear back.

 

Yeah, I know, I know...should've blocked everything. I'll take all the criticism for that. As I said, previously I do not believe in blocking b/c I have to heal enough and reach the point of indifference knowing it all. That includes knowledge of him reaching out. I have to reach level of strength where he is not blocked and I do not contact him, and his texts if they come do not bother me.

 

The truth is his text was just more of the same, old crap. Be with me while I comfortably continue to live my life with my wife. I don't bother with that any more. After all this post-break up time, I can not go back where I was while we were together. I am finally sure that I'll take this pain of being alone any day and twice on Sunday, over the breadcrumbs I was given in so called 'relationship' with him. I know that now.

 

I was still sad. As I am now. First it was anger, then just sadness. I cried last night. Couldn't sleep the whole night. It's not just the text he sent. I've been feeling down most of the past week, and aside from few moments of happiness, the downs of this are overwhelming.

 

I hope it will get better. That's the thing...when we were together, there was really nothing to hope for. At least now, there is hope for better and happier me. That's what I hold on to now.

[not-so-sure]

It will get better. As a WH I was considering getting back in contact but your post above exposes my thoughts for what they are. Feeding my heart without respect for my wife or even the ex-affair partner. *Thank you* for stopping me from doing that. It doesn't help anyone.

 

You're doing the right thing. You'll get better but it won't be tomorrow. Just shut him out where it is possible to do so. That take down was awesome c

[Lobe]

Some people get dental work done without freezing. Some people give birth without epidurals. Some people use condoms to protect themselves from STIs. Some people block their AP to assist with NC.

 

Blocking is a tool. You're obviously still very hurt and upset. Props to you for not caving, but I think you're running a high risk of exposing yourself to unnecessary hurt. Just know it's not a sign of weakness if you decide that protecting your sanity is as important than proving you're tough, even if it comes at the cost of never knowing how many times he breaks NC.

[Onlywhenitrains]

It will get better. As a WH I was considering getting back in contact but your post above exposes my thoughts for what they are. Feeding my heart without respect for my wife or even the ex-affair partner. *Thank you* for stopping me from doing that. It doesn't help anyone.

 

You're doing the right thing. You'll get better but it won't be tomorrow. Just shut him out where it is possible to do so. That take down was awesome c

 

Not-so-sure - Thank you for your support. I read your story, and really admire the courage and honesty of what you did by telling the truth, as well as respect you displayed for your wife and family! Those are roads less travelled, but more rewarding in the long run.

 

Stay strong!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Some people get dental work done without freezing. Some people give birth without epidurals. Some people use condoms to protect themselves from STIs. Some people block their AP to assist with NC.

 

Blocking is a tool. You're obviously still very hurt and upset. Props to you for not caving, but I think you're running a high risk of exposing yourself to unnecessary hurt. Just know it's not a sign of weakness if you decide that protecting your sanity is as important than proving you're tough, even if it comes at the cost of never knowing how many times he breaks NC.

 

Very true!!

 

I thought about it a lot when I broke-up and went NC. I initially had his number blocked for about two weeks, and it drove me insane. Then I unblocked it, and realized that constant wondering if he texted or not was driving me crazy even more, in addition to fighting all pathetic, misery of early post break-up time. Again, I'm not advocating one over the other. Each of us needs to find the way that works best. For my weird, twisted state of mind right now - NC without actual blocking seems to be working better for now. At the end of the day, it's choosing what you see as least evil of the two at the moment.

 

The other thing in this - I need to focus on myself. Being aware of the noise that may be coming from him, fully seeing through it what it really is/was, feels somewhat empowering and liberating at the same time.

 

I need to overcome temptation to contact him and get to place of indifference. Blocking his number does not stop me from texting him. Strength to do that has to be mine.

 

You have a great point tough! Also, I do want to wish you a warm welcome to LS club! I love, love, absolutely love your writings! All the best!

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's my darkest hour, and I hate this late night ramblings of mine.

 

It's not about the A with the exMM.

 

His problem was and most likely is his marriage (given all he did with me) as it seems to be very lonely and unfulfilling place. Assumptions on my part. So, discard them because I don't know. May or may not be.

 

Focus on me....I was very, very lonely when he came around. Loneliness was my problem. I should never do it again, I know. I have to work through what I felt when I met him, and what kept me for so long attached to him. I liked him, yes. I still do.

 

But, there may be deeper issues I've been refusing to face that made me to accept the leftovers for so long. I don't know. I do know is that I want to fully understand myself, and where I was when I started and kept going with all this thing I had with with him.

 

I'll keep searching.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Onlywhenitrains]

I was doing mostly ok despite him reaching out a few days ago.

 

Then last night I went out with some friends, had a little too much wine, and sent meaningless text. To which he responded, but I just left it at that. I hated myself this morning for being so weak. Where was my strength and resolve??! What was I thinking?? Can't blame it on the wine.

 

Kept telling myself - move on. So, I went to the gym and spent some time relaxing at the pool, and was feeling better. Didn't really think about this latest exchange of texts. Moving on from this, and working on myself remains my goal. The path will have ups and downs I know, so I was feeling okay.

 

Then, out of nowhere tears came and I could not stop crying and sobbing for more than half an hour. Come to think of it, it's been a while since I cried like I did today. So, I just let those tears out and waited for them to stop. They did eventually.

 

So, we move on....one foot in front of the other. It shall pass.

 

It will get better. That's what I've been telling myself.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Loosing something I have never had.

[stilltrying16]

But also gaining yourself in the process? You are strong, honest. and empathetic. You ask very difficult questions of yourself and answer them without flinching. However painful the process is, I believe you will find new happiness waiting for you on the other side of this.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I'm not sure what I want to say, really. But, I'll try anyway...

 

I'm cautious and scared about this past week. I felt better, I didn't miss him as much, I enjoyed moments of solitude and almost peace of feeling like myself again. I was able to let go of whats/whys/ifs fairly quickly when they came to mind. And, just move on with my life in a carpe diem kinda way.

 

I still miss him so much, yes. But, after missing myself for so long and finding some of it, and reclaiming it back - I've been starting to feel better.

 

He is where he wants to be, with who he wants to be.

 

I don't know if this is just a temporary phase, some "up" time, quiet before the storm...I don't know. Will see. Felt good.

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's been happening lately that whenever I think of my exMM, it's starting to feel like looking back into the past. Looking back into something that is over. LS words of wisdom "He is where he want to be, with whom he wants to be" come to my mind often, and they provide this soothing feeling of calmness. Almost acceptance.

 

I went on a date last night. I really had a great time! I'm still not sure about the guy, although I kinda liked him in a couple of months he'll be deployed overseas for a year....so not sure. He kissed me and I kissed him back. He hasn't reached out today, and I haven't either. I'm not sure I'm ready yet. And, him Going away for a year doesn't help my thinking process. But, I kinda like him...

[Onlywhenitrains]

The exMM...I just miss him so much tonight.

 

All those things I said to myself I'm not allowed to daydream about....calling him on the phone and him picking up, and talking to me as long as we wanted, walking down the street without fear of being seen and recognized, time together to do whatever we like, talking in acronyms only me and him understood, laughing, holding hands...

 

I have to find the strength in me to move beyond that. Not there yet.

 

Edited June 24, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[Onlywhenitrains]

I've been kinda going on with my life while at the same time being fully aware I'm going through stages of grief.

 

Denial was full of excruciating pain, and I cried a lot. Really a lot.

 

Anger was almost....well, really almost fun as I could get out all those thoughts about him being a total a***** who refused to deal with the real problem in his life - dysfunctional, lonely and unfulfilling place his marriage was or is.

 

Bargaining....yeah, if only we met in some different time and place, before he met his wife. Or maybe in some other life. This phase didn't really resonate with me that much...I realized during the affair that there was nothing more I could give to the A or "relationship" as he liked to call it, that would make it work. Not much there to bargain for.

 

So, I have this terrifying feeling that I've been sinking into depression phase. And, it's not pretty. Not pretty at all. Just kinda lost and numb. Tired of self-pity party, tired of nights when I wake up and can't sleep thinking of him, tired of my life feeling like a standstill dealing with yesterday's problems.

 

I still can not explain to myself why I stayed for so long. That's the part of bargaining phase that keeps lingering. But, depression phase part starting seems more and more real as the each day goes by.

 

I've posted this to check my sanity. Am I right? Or totally, utterly and completely wrong in my assessment where I am?

 

I don't know. Any words of LS wisdom or encouragement are more than welcome. I'm really struggling here. Thank you for reading!

[Poppy47]

I've been kinda going on with my life while at the same time being fully aware I'm going through stages of grief.

 

Denial was full of excruciating pain, and I cried a lot. Really a lot.

 

Anger was almost....well, really almost fun as I could get out all those thoughts about him being a total a***** who refused to deal with the real problem in his life - dysfunctional, lonely and unfulfilling place his marriage was or is.

 

Bargaining....yeah, if only we met in some different time and place, before he met his wife. Or maybe in some other life. This phase didn't really resonate with me that much...I realized during the affair that there was nothing more I could give to the A or "relationship" as he liked to call it, that would make it work. Not much there to bargain for.

 

So, I have this terrifying feeling that I've been sinking into depression phase. And, it's not pretty. Not pretty at all. Just kinda lost and numb. Tired of self-pity party, tired of nights when I wake up and can't sleep thinking of him, tired of my life feeling like a standstill dealing with yesterday's problems.

 

I still can not explain to myself why I stayed for so long. That's the part of bargaining phase that keeps lingering. But, depression phase part starting seems more and more real as the each day goes by.

 

I've posted this to check my sanity. Am I right? Or totally, utterly and completely wrong in my assessment where I am?

 

I don't know. Any words of LS wisdom or encouragement are more than welcome. I'm really struggling here. Thank you for reading!

 

I am feeling at rock bottom today. My enthusiasm for everything has evaporated. Life looks very bleak and I think I am a little depressed as well.

 

I do not wake up feeling the joy of life and looking forward to anything. This is a very ungrateful attitude, I know, but for the moment, that's it.

 

Keep going and I'll keep going and somehow we will come out the other end.

 

WArm Wishes,

Poppy.

[RedOlive]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Many hugs, (((Poppy)))

 

When sadness gets this unbearable there is nothing to do but to surrender for the time being, let it flow through you and remember that one day this, too, shall pass. It will pass.

[privategal]

Poppy...time is your friend.

Dont worry better days are ahead.

It is lonely and hard and hurts the heart to let go.

Their are still strings tied to your ap that are weakening and loosening and will break soon...but they still are there.

Fight through.

Cry through.

Claw through.

Pray through.

Rest through.

Scream through.

Write through.

Only way is through.

Some time eventually you will say...I did it, I made it, I let go and I survived.

This is just the hardest part now but healing is happening even when you feel no progress or dont see it!!

[Lobe]

I still can not explain to myself why I stayed for so long. That's the part of bargaining phase that keeps lingering. But, depression phase part starting seems more and more real as the each day goes by.

 

I've posted this to check my sanity. Am I right? Or totally, utterly and completely wrong in my assessment where I am?

 

I don't know. Any words of LS wisdom or encouragement are more than welcome. I'm really struggling here. Thank you for reading!

 

The stages are not really like you graduate from one and call it done. You'll flip flop and bounce between them for a long time, so don't think of having days where you're doing the bargaining dance fool you into thinking you're not making progress. 2 forward, 1 back, is still progress, right? And that anger phase will be the key to propelling you onward when you stumble.

 

Depression is the sadness you have to wade through but the nice thing about it is that you are on the cusp of acceptance. The disillusionment fairy will pay you many visits in the coming weeks to help adjust your vision now that the rosy goggles are coming off. Your number one job right now is to take care of YOU. Make sure you are eating well and getting rest. Make plans, including nights in to mourn your loss, as long as your nights out to celebrate your new-found freedom and independence outnumber your pity party nights.

 

Hang tough like a new kid, OWIR. You've got this. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

[Onlywhenitrains]

The stages are not really like you graduate from one and call it done. You'll flip flop and bounce between them for a long time, so don't think of having days where you're doing the bargaining dance fool you into thinking you're not making progress. 2 forward, 1 back, is still progress, right? And that anger phase will be the key to propelling you onward when you stumble.

 

Depression is the sadness you have to wade through but the nice thing about it is that you are on the cusp of acceptance. The disillusionment fairy will pay you many visits in the coming weeks to help adjust your vision now that the rosy goggles are coming off. Your number one job right now is to take care of YOU. Make sure you are eating well and getting rest. Make plans, including nights in to mourn your loss, as long as your nights out to celebrate your new-found freedom and independence outnumber your pity party nights.

 

Hang tough like a new kid, OWIR. You've got this. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

 

Lobe - you are spot on! Thank you! Needed to read it today. One moment I wonder why I stayed so long in the A. The next second I'm sooo angry at the xMM b****** who refused to deal with his real problems in his marriage, and choose to sign up to an online dating site...like that was the cure for all his marriage problems. And, then the next day I so vividly remember the way he kissed me and hugged me, and cuddled with me. And, then I just stare into the ceiling knowing that me and him can not be together. Ever. Back and forth. All in my mind. But, it's very powerful and overwhelming when it comes. Almost suffocating. God, I hate it!!!

 

I keep re-playing the year of our A looking for times and moments I should've acted differently than I did. There are so many of those where it was so clear what I should've done, but I didn't do it. There are points in our A where it was so clear I should've ended it. And, I didn't. I don't know why. I was weak. I was in the A fog. I was afraid to be alone again. The sex was beyond great. I don't know.

 

I know there is not much value in going through "could've would've should've" type of an exercise. Still need to do it, because it helps me understand myself better. I have to keep going. It's hard, but I have to.

 

Poppy - hugs for you! I know how it feels. I feel it every day. Then, I remember how I felt every time he left my place and went back to his wife. This pain of breaking it up and going NC is less than him having sex with me and going back to his wife and enjoying long weekends, and vacations with her. MM will never be there for OW when she needs him. Because, it's not relationship. It's a lie. It's text message marathon with some sex in between, when his and his wife's schedule allows it.

 

I might never find a man who will love me enough to be with me and stay with me. But, I know I won't settle. Especially, I won't settle for breadcrumbs and leftovers.

 

Angry again now...., and kinda sad.

[Poppy47]

MM are never completely there for anybody in an A. while he was with me, he was constantly thinking about things at home and vice versa.

 

He did try several times to be the knight in shining armour. It always backfired on him and he abandonded me to run home.

 

I don't know your age Rains. I am a lot older than most on here. I have been married twice and I am not looking for "The One". All I want is peace.

 

Let's keep marching on,

 

Poppy.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I'd like to post a happy, content, 'life is good after the xMM' kinda story. Give you hope with this update that it gets better.

 

Not quite for me. Not tonight, at least.

 

He came back in late June/early July. After so much of arguing, I caved in.

 

Yes, I was weak and I allowed myself to be sucked into the same old story.

 

A week or so ago, we saw each other at my place. He told me about his upcoming vacation of his...with his wife of course, as expected. He also said some things that really hurt me. And, I couldn't take it any more. I'd like to say I'm done. So many times the OW says so, and she goes right back in. So, I won't say it.

 

All I know....the things that he said.....he really, really, really hurt me. I know he's expecting "safe travels" kinda text from me. And, I don't give a ****.

 

I don't.

 

I need strength. I need strength to never, ever get in touch with him again.

 

How do I do it?!??

Edited August 15, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[Onlywhenitrains]

I said, I can't take no more vacations he takes with his wife....

 

How pathetic I am?!?!??

 

This is sad. Really, really sad.

I need to move on. How?!???

[Adoraxx]

Hi Onlywhenitrains, how did he contact you? By email?

Do you think you can block him? I know it's hard .

A good first step would be to stop meeting up with him. It hurts so much when he tells you all about his vacations with W!! I can't take that either... You can either block him, or you can try to stop seeing him in person, or you can totally ignore his comments about his vacations to make it clear that you don't want to hear about it. If you can, BLOCK him though!!

 

Keep reminding yourself of the things he hurt you with... Have you made a list of all the comments that he made? The hurtful ones? You have to keep reminding yourself of those

 

Big hugs