Real Life and alike...

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm sorry you are hurting, Rains. Your grief is palpable.

 

Please try to remember that it's not *him* that you miss. I think what you miss is intimacy. Closeness. Comfort. It's natural to miss those things when they go away. He gave you those things in a very limited and conditional way. While it's natural to grieve the loss of them, at least now you are free to find them again with someone who can give them freely, openly, and without limits.

[renaissancewoman]

I'm sorry you are hurting, Rains. Your grief is palpable.

 

Please try to remember that it's not *him* that you miss. I think what you miss is intimacy. Closeness. Comfort. It's natural to miss those things when they go away. He gave you those things in a very limited and conditional way. While it's natural to grieve the loss of them, at least now you are free to find them again with someone who can give them freely, openly, and without limits.

 

Love this. You don't miss him. You miss how you felt when you were with him. You can find it again with someone who deserves your love and is free to love you out in open.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I've been trying to plan my weekends with all sorts of stuff, so I don't spend time thinking about him. I've been successful with that. This was another great weekend, and I did a lot of fun stuff.

 

On my way back home tonight from the last fun activity for this weekend I realized, it's not so necessarily the weekends I miss him the most. I spent most of them alone when I was with him anyway. It's about the weekday nights, when I come back home tired and stressed about work and just need somebody to talk to. Somebody to hug me.

 

So, I'll try to maybe go to the gym in the evening on a weekday. Maybe that can help. Anything, anything that will get me out of this vicious cycle of thinking about him. So, I'll try gym weekday night this week. I might succeed, and I might fail. Don't yell at me if I don't make it. It's just an idea.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the NC concept lately that is so adamantly favored (rightfully so) on LS. Haven't thought it through completely, but I'm close. May be the topic of some future post.

 

Thank you for listening and reading. Stay strong, and be kind. Noone will love you, if you don't love yourself.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I don't want anyone to think that any of my optimistic posts mean I've reached a better place. I didn't. I haven't. I'm just trying to work through all this.

 

I still miss him, and who we were together. I miss it so much. It hurts so much, every day and every moment and second of it.

 

I also know all we've had is impossible and unreal in the real world. I'm just trying to rationalize everything I've had with with him, and move on. On my own.

 

I use the LS to process this pain I feel now. And, I'm eternaly grateful for you reading. I don't know what this feeling is in me that needs to put a burden on total strangers....just asking them to hear and read it. But, I thank you.

 

I thank you so very much.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I haven't been posting much over the past week, but have been reading LS almost every evening. There is so much heartache in the heartbreaking stories I've been reading here. And, I hope you all stay strong, do the right thing, and find yourself in a better place soon.

 

It's been 3 weeks (I think) of NC for me since that evening when I ran into him at the store parking lot, and he came to my place afterwards. Week or so following that was a nightmare of crying, not being able to sleep. When I did sleep, I woke up after a couple of hours screaming or crying because of nightmares I had, which I still don't remember. I was a total wreck.

 

Then, somehow - I don't know how - I stared pulling myself together and fighting back. i created a list of things that I want to do - road trips with friends, fun activities outdoors, spending more time with family and friends, working out. Over the past week or so, I've been quite successful in doing all of that, and it feels good. I just need to keep doing it. And, I haven't had moments of crying and longing for him this past week like I used to before.

 

This morning I woke up with this feeling of sadness and emptiness and it has stayed with me every single moment today. It still is here. I hope it's gonna go away tomorrow morning. But, right now - I just want to crawl into bed and cry.

 

I need help. I need a hug.

Edited May 7, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[bewell]

I haven't been posting much over the past week, but have been reading LS almost every evening. There is so much heartache in the heartbreaking stories I've been reading here. And, I hope you all stay strong, do the right thing, and find yourself in a better place soon.

 

It's been 3 weeks (I think) of NC for me since that evening when I ran into him at the store parking lot, and he came to my place afterwards. Week or so following that was a nightmare of crying, not being able to sleep. When I did sleep, I woke up after a couple of hours screaming or crying because of nightmares I had, which I still don't remember. I was a total wreck.

 

Then, somehow - I don't know how - I stared pulling myself together and fighting back. i created a list of things that I want to do - road trips with friends, fun activities outdoors, spending more time with family and friends, working out. Over the past week or so, I've been quite successful in doing all of that, and it feels good. I just need to keep doing it. And, I haven't had moments of crying and longing for him this past week like I used to before.

 

This morning I woke up with this feeling of sadness and emptiness and it has stayed with me every single moment today. It still is here. I hope it's gonna go away tomorrow morning. But, right now - I just want to crawl into bed and cry.

 

I need help. I need a hug.

 

Sis, you'll be okay. Keep coming here for support. I'm trying to get through my days with the help of LS and so far it's helping me. I miss xMM a lot but then I stop in the tracks when I think about how he treated me for 2.5 years and all the BS he told me and put me through. I go in waves of missing him and hating him. I just want to get to a place where I don't give a crap. I believe I am almost there. Been NC for a month now technically but I broke it on 4/28 to send him a quick text to let his ass know I know he moved back in with W after over a year of living separately. He never replied of course and I'm sure he's going crazy trying to figure out how I knew.

[lemondrop21]

I was true NC for something like five weeks, but I'm not anymore, although it's also not the A as it was before. Let me tell you, after a certain amount of NC/emotional distance, you can't really ever go back to the way it was before, I think. The illusion is broken. That's a very good thing. It hurts like hell to go through and you don't feel like it's working at all sometimes, but trust me, it is.

 

Also, if you went back, your MM would be exactly the same, I promise. The "situation" would be the same. You would get relief for maybe a day or two at breaking the tension of NC, and then you'd go back to feeling bad. NC or not, it's just a really sh***y situation. Keep up with what you're doing, it sounds like you're heading in the right direction even though you feel awful at times. Best of luck and we are cheering you on!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Please, someone tells me that it gets easier with time.

 

NC is the right and only way. I know, and I'm sticking to it. After so many failed attempts, I'm sticking to it as it is the only way. I realized it only works if some day running into your xMM and feeling nothing is your goal.

 

I don't want stolen moments, times in-between, breadcrumbs and leftovers.

 

I am so much more than that. It goes without saying.

 

I have to do this for myself. It's hard.

 

[Chuff]

It does, and it will.

 

You will get through this, and the waves of pain will get smaller and less frequent.

 

You are doing great, and we are behind you all the way!

 

((((Hugs!))))

[Grapesofwrath]

Rains: Keep going!! It gets easier! You will notice that you don't think about him constantly. Then you'll see that the time between thoughts of him gets longer and longer. Then you'll notice that he wasn't the first thought in your mind when you woke. Then you'll notice you spent almost an entire day without thinking of him. Then when you find yourself thinking of him, you will let those thoughts float by and move on to more important things.

 

Time heals.

[Dylon]

Please, someone tells me that it gets easier with time.[

 

Hi there. You know that it will get better. There's only one direction it can go so please hang in there. I've been having very emotional days too that even the AD isn't holding all the mixed emotions down.

 

NC is the right and only way. I know, and I'm sticking to it. After so many failed attempts, I'm sticking to it as it is the only way. I realized it only works if some day running into your xMM and feeling nothing is your goal.

 

You are absolutely right it's the only way. xOW sent me happy birthday wishes after 3 months of no contact. It was sad to see her do that and I know it was probably a serious of second guessing before she felt the need to. I think that she felt relieved after she did, having fulfilled her wishes. I reply kinding, simple, with thank you holding back any attempt to tell her everything that's been happening. I know she was disappointed that I didn't say more and that just add more guilt and hurt for me. Where's the ego boost that everyone on LS keep on claiming? See, regardless of which side you are in, it's the right thing to do.....the push and pull that go no where and hurt everyone including ourselves must end. When both sides must end, it's not like we tell each other that it was nothing. It just means, we don't agree on the future and outcome. After all, who in their sane mind spend time and energy to build something only to end it. Besides the emotional factor, it's why letting go is hard.

 

I don't want stolen moments, times in-between, breadcrumbs and leftovers.

 

I am so much more than that. It goes without saying.

 

I have to do this for myself. It's hard.

 

 

You are right, you must move on. It's not enough for sure, but you were never leftovers I think. Often, I think that I share the breadcrumbs with the OW, and the ultimate betrayed person is the spouse, because both in the affair wanted more time together (obviously I don't speak for all situations). When the mindset is like that, it's hard to think that the OW is a "leftover" as you said. The difference is, of course, the goal of the OW is more clear and the choices and the decision of the outcome is in the hands of the married person. The married person has more responsibility for the inappropriateness, carry more of the "wrongs", and more "messed up" than the OW. I see sometimes OW in this forum are more in this kind of affair than those where it's just "sex".

 

Lengthy, but my point to you and to many of the OW that contributed is that you were never breadcrumbs or leftovers. If being angry is a path to healing, great! Often I find that I think about things that made me angry helps too. Our minds just can't process of letting go of something that we view otherwise and of something that we invested so much time, emotion, and tears to.

 

You take care of yourself and it will get better, up and down, but the slopes will be less and less over time. You all will get through this!

[Onlywhenitrains]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement! It meant really a lot!

 

Dylon - thank you for your thoughtful post! I can sense from your words that hearing from your fOW was far from easy for you. I hope it gets better. You did absolutely right thing by responding in a way you did, for both you and her. It was a right decision. And, I know it was not an easy one. It will get better.

 

That's what I've been telling myself. It will get better.

 

I realized that I have to plan my days, especially weekends in a way they are filled with things to do and activities that keep me busy and outside of the house. The things that will sufficiently exhaust me, and not allow too much time to think. This past weekend didn't go as planned, as I hurt my ankle on Saturday while hiking, and had to cancel my plans for Sunday. So, that meant putting ice on my ankle the whole day and being stranded in my house, which gave me time to think while being alone. Needless to say, that didn't go very well towards the end of Sunday evening.

 

I've managed to keep my head above the water at work in the past two days. Don't know how, but I did.

 

Affairs are confusing. No matter how much confidence and self-esteem one has, it all starts eroding in the affair. During the A, one day I was lonely, next day I felt ashamed, day after that I'd feel guilty, day after I'd call myself a hypocrite....and, there were days when I felt all of those at once, and much more. I mean, there I was - having loving family and friends, successful in my career, smart, educated, good-looking and all that jazz that people that love me tell me all the time (and, I know it's true)....there I was - in a relationship with a guy who can't even tell me, when leaving my place, when is the next time I'm going to see him. Because, he has to figure out his schedule with his wife, and then....he might find couple of hours to see me. What has gotten into me to be willing to even consider that, let alone accept it??

 

I don't know. Being lonely comes to mind when I try to explain my behavior to myself. It just doesn't even begin to cut it as an explanation.

 

Affairs, I guess, start as attraction and fun and you are so excited, ignorant and blind about any reason as you just met someone with whom you share this unbelievable and amazing connection. So easy to get carried away, and ignore red flag that goes in your mind saying "this is not right"! It is even more tempting and dangerous if you are missing intimacy and connection in your life at the time you meet that someone (who just happens to be married, and allegedly in a sexless marriage). Very soon, the reality kicks in and as OW you start living in denial, and baseless hope that miracle will happen. And, your self-confidence and self-esteem is eroding at exponential pace at his point. But, you continue with the affair, with your baseless hope of some miracle.

 

The only miracle that can happen is that you find the strength to remove yourself from the A. And, it's not that much of a miracle to be honest. It's just the right thing to do, which I should've done in the first place.

 

I look forward to one day when all I'll have to say about him is - he is someone I used to know. Until then, I'll just have to take it on day at the time. Right now I'm surrounded by this overwhelming sadness, but I can look myself in the mirror and say out loud - I'm not the OW. That's a start.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[BuddyX]

Good for you.

Go NC hard core. But if you must response to him, and I hope you don't, you say "We're not friends, we're not enemies, we're strangers with memories"..Mic Drop

[Onlywhenitrains]

Thank you BuddyX!

 

i like the quote, and will remember it. Not to be able to say it to him at some point in the future, when/if that time comes.

 

I hope to reach the point where I don't want to say anything to him. And, I hope I do.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I've been behaving. Maintained NC, went about pursuing my interests and things I wanna do. Went to the gym every day of the week in the evening like I said I was gonna do. I've made myself as busy as I can be.

 

But, here I am. I was quite tired after a busy Saturday, went to bed around 10pm as I was sleepy....and, I woke up to a bad dream. Really bad one that's been hunting me for quite some time...it started when I was still in the relationship with xMM.

 

I've had this dream before.....I'm a student, in a desperate need of money to buy books for the next semester classes, somebody tells me about possible job in the kitchen during some party...I take it. So, I'm washing the dishes in this fancy house in the neighborhood I've never been to before, just a happy camper b/c textbooks for all my classes are taken care of given that I got this job. Then, one of my co-workers in the kitchen that night yells something like 'guys, come see this...the owners of the house are coming out...' ....we all get out of the kitchen to see it....and, there it is. There it is.

 

The house owners are him and his wife....as I'm standing there at the door in my 'washing the dishes' outfit...watching them laughing, dancing and kissing each other. That's when I wake up, shivering.

 

What have I done to myself??!! And, why???

[privategal]

Maybe you could write a 'resignation letter' for the "job" in the dream. Then burn it, tear it up and throw it in the river, lake, ocean...like a symbolic way of severing that subconcious role.

You havent done anything to yourself beyond making a mistake as millions have. You are in repair, you are dealing with the loss and moving forward and your heart and mind are still processing.

Look at the healthy things coming out of it too?

A nightly gym routine, the strength to not write or call. Those are h-u-g-e feats.

Those of us who had an affair did allow some pain into our hearts and lives but if we try hard we can learn from it, we can highlight what vulnerable fragile peoole we are, we lived and learned and yes the price is hefty but our lives arent over.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Thank you, PG! I hope you are doing well!!

 

And, thanks to all of you on LS for support and encouragement!

 

It has been repeated countless times, and rightfully so here on LS that NC is the only and the best way to go about ending the A and regaining yourself. And, I firmly believe that is the truth.

 

Yet, tonight I find it so hard to keep the NC thing. I mean, I can send the shortest and the most meaningless text to him, and he will most likely respond, come back, and try to lure me back into it. It may be comforting for a second, or a minute or two, but it will be devastating in the great scheme of things for me.

 

Or, I can weather the storm of my feelings tonight. And, just keep up with getting back on track with my life like I've been doing for the past few weeks.

 

I don't know what to do. All I know is that I miss him so much right now.

 

I'm hanging on to the hope that it will pass.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I really need help. I can't sleep. I can't think clearly, although I'm trying to.

I have so many things to say to him, you know....all those things the OW has to say to the MM that will never make any difference whatsoever.

 

I know I'm hurting, and this is just a part of the process. The process I have to go through.

 

I love him....you may think it's the affair fog. And, it very well might be. I don't know.

 

When I first met him, I told myself I could never fall for the guy like him. But, as I was driving back home after our first date, I could not stop thinking about him. And, that thought has been with me ever since....

[Onlywhenitrains]

This past few days have been really hard. I'm trying to cope with all of it, but I don't think I've been making any progress. I've spent most of the last night crying, and couldn't fall asleep for most of the night. Felt exhausted and tired when I heard the alarm clock this morning telling me it's time to get up. So, I stayed at home from work today.

 

The thought that's been on my mind....it's not only the A that was hidden and didn't exist in the real world. It's also all this sadness, tears and grief that has to remain hidden, never to be told to or acknowledged by anyone. I hope for better days. I hope.

 

This is the only place I can talk about it. Just don't know what else to say.

 

It hurts. It really does. I wish I could pretend it doesn't. I can't.

[winterkeep]

Hey Rains,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this, the important thing is that you are not reaching out to him - hold onto this. Whether it feels like it or not you ARE healing, any contact with him will be a set back, not only will you be back in the emotional drama (no matter how brief) you will also be re-feeding the chemical response that occurs in your brain as part of the intense reward/pain cycle that characterises so many intense relationships. Not to mention the fact that even a brief conversation can create new associations which will trigger you to think of him, frankly hun he just isn't worth your pain so stop giving to him.

 

Some people say that time heals all wounds, I agree that time can help but I disagree that it's the great healer we all hope it will be. It's persistence and conscious effort that is the true healer.

 

You're not talking to him and are looking after yourself physically which is great yet you've not really gone no contact. Every time you let your mind ruminate on him you are still releasing the same neurotransmitters that you would should you actually see or speak to him- this keeps you hooked.Until you get control of your thoughts in an emotional and neurological sense you remain very much in contact with him.

 

The thing is that him no longer being in your life is reality, accept that. As part of that acceptance you need to realise that it doesn't matter what he's thinking, how he felt for you, whats happening in his marriage or why he did what he did, it just doesn't matter anymore (thank goodness..there's real freedom in that!) so let it go.

 

When he enters your mind come up with a way to distract your thoughts, some people find it comforting to go through a step by step re-enactment of performing a mundane task in their heads such as preparing dinner-I like to think of the crazy habits of my dogs. Eventually your mind will withdraw from him and you will forget to forget, he won't be at the forefront of your heart and mind anymore. This will take serious commitment from you but you seem like a strong lady so I think you'll be fine.

 

I think one of the harder parts of ending an affair as an OW is that it's almost as though you don't have the right to grieve, there are so few people to talk to without judgement - hell you can't even come here without some "tough love" I think this just keeps the OW in a place of pain and is possibly a driving factor behind why so many OW find it easier to keep going back to the A - at least its one place that feels free of judgement.

 

Then there's the guilt and the questions of "how did I allow myself to become an OW" which isn't helped by the posts suggesting that all OW are evil, f'ed up or broken. From your posts I'd suggest that you're none of these things, although you did make some bad decisions based on emotion. One day you'll be strong enough to work on that, for now focus on really disconnecting from him, the rest will follow.

 

I know it's hard but take comfort from the fact that you're free of a situation that caused you great pain, you are now living an authentic, safe life, your actions now are not hurting anyone else and that you are giving yourself the freedom to invite real love into your life.

 

p.s see how you feel but I myself rarely read or post here anymore, I find that it keeps me emotionally stuck in the A. If you really need to be here for support then stay but maybe consider taking a break from all things infidelity related for awhile.

[privategal]

Hang on there sweetie. Its very very hard and appears to get worse before better.

I have to say many of us are pointing xow's away from this sight in order to heal and stop focusing. Take your time with that as for now it feels like the only place where anyone can relate or understand you and you may need to vent. I tried to break from it...I just couldnt just yet..not for long anyways, but use the stories of others to help make you stronger. Someone is reading your pain and feeling less alone too so you help others. Eventually maybe a break is good.

Some better days are coming. I got prescribed for AD's this week so I can keep healing without the emotions strangling me. Hope you find more peace and contentment each day.

Edited May 18, 2016 by privategal

[Onlywhenitrains]

Fridays are hard. They've always been that way. I just have to weather the storm I guess....

 

I come here for support. It sounds selfish and not fair to all of you - beautiful, beautiful people!!! I am and always will be eternally grateful to all of you!

 

I try to take each day as it comes. I remind myself there are ups and downs.

 

Reading LS is comforting, but it can also be overwhelming and almost self-destructive. Constant reminder of the A. The A I'm trying to put behind, and move on with my life. I try to learn from your experiences, I so desperately want to help to those in need. I just want all of us to heal.

 

I realized I post here at the darkest moments that I have...when I'm at the point of breaking the NC with him. Like right now.

 

NC is tricky. There is NC of not texting him or contacting him in any way. Then, there is NC of not thinking about him at all. The former I'm making progress. The latter, no progress at all. And, that's the part I feel frustrated with. But, it's also the part that only time can heal.

 

I don't know.

[Onlywhenitrains]

ShamanLover's thread made me think a lot.

 

It is my darkest hour, I know...when I can't sleep and I'm thinking of him.

 

Each and one of us in the A with a MM has to find our own truth about what it all was. The truth we will believe for the rest of our life about what it really was. I'm still struggling to find mine.

 

Did he care? I firmly believe he did. Did he want me to feel I was the most important person in his life (aside from his son)? Yes. Did he do whatever he could for me to feel that way? I think so, yes. But, it was so little in retrospect. More than once he told me that health, his son, and me are the most important things in his life. I didn't believe it, b/c the first time I heard it from him saying that was....of course it was via text, was while he was enjoying one of his vacations with his wife. I didn't believe it, and to this day I can not.

 

I do believe however, that our time together meant quite a bit to him. He rarely or never talked about his wife and their life, and I know pretty much nothing about it. From the rare glimpses into it, and how he went about our relationship I'm quite sure his marriage is very lonely and unfulfilling place. I say that not to make myself feel better. I'm talking about how he was with me all the time we were together.....little things he did, and all other stuff he did during the time in my life late last year when I found myself in a really ugly and difficult place. I could never figure out how he could reconcile those things - me being a mess late last year due to some really scary and ugly things, and his real life with his wife.

 

I have to find my own truth. One that will stand the test of time. It's not black and white. I never wanted to hurt anybody. If it was me that was gonna get hurt, bring it on.

 

Being the OW is not something we do by choice. I knew and know now my brain is not wired in a way that I can sustain being the OW.. I did it because I really liked and ultimately loved that someone, who was married and still is. I own it now, will own it tomorrow and for the days to come.

 

For those who will judge me, let it be. For those who will offer words of support - I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Either way, thank you for reading!

 

I know I'll eventually find my own truth. And, I'm god damn sure that loving somebody is not something to be ashamed of.

[lemondrop21]

More than once he told me that health, his son, and me are the most important things in his life. I didn't believe it, b/c the first time I heard it from him saying that was....of course it was via text, was while he was enjoying one of his vacations with his wife. I didn't believe it, and to this day I can not.

 

...

 

I could never figure out how he could reconcile those things - me being a mess late last year due to some really scary and ugly things, and his real life with his wife.

 

You are grieving all the things he didn't do. Keep remembering that. Most of what you are mourning is a fantasy... a potential that you saw, that was never realized.

 

He may very well be hurting too - perhaps even badly - but he never took action to be with you.

 

I know it's terrible. When I was in NC it was SO bad sometimes. Now I'm in "LC" and it's still bad. It's all bad. So just keep that in mind. Even if you break NC, it will still be bad.

 

Remember that he will try and contact you - whether it's next week or six months from now, if you read these boards, you will see that they pretty much ALL do (except the odd one who was truly just in it for the sex). If you have been stone cold silent, then there's your power. And one day, you will truly will not care anymore.

[Lauracake]

ShamanLover's thread made me think a lot.

 

It is my darkest hour, I know...when I can't sleep and I'm thinking of him.

 

Each and one of us in the A with a MM has to find our own truth about what it all was. The truth we will believe for the rest of our life about what it really was. I'm still struggling to find mine.

 

Did he care? I firmly believe he did. Did he want me to feel I was the most important person in his life (aside from his son)? Yes. Did he do whatever he could for me to feel that way? I think so, yes. But, it was so little in retrospect. More than once he told me that health, his son, and me are the most important things in his life. I didn't believe it, b/c the first time I heard it from him saying that was....of course it was via text, was while he was enjoying one of his vacations with his wife. I didn't believe it, and to this day I can not.

 

I do believe however, that our time together meant quite a bit to him. He rarely or never talked about his wife and their life, and I know pretty much nothing about it. From the rare glimpses into it, and how he went about our relationship I'm quite sure his marriage is very lonely and unfulfilling place. I say that not to make myself feel better. I'm talking about how he was with me all the time we were together.....little things he did, and all other stuff he did during the time in my life late last year when I found myself in a really ugly and difficult place. I could never figure out how he could reconcile those things - me being a mess late last year due to some really scary and ugly things, and his real life with his wife.

 

I have to find my own truth. One that will stand the test of time. It's not black and white. I never wanted to hurt anybody. If it was me that was gonna get hurt, bring it on.

 

Being the OW is not something we do by choice. I knew and know now my brain is not wired in a way that I can sustain being the OW.. I did it because I really liked and ultimately loved that someone, who was married and still is. I own it now, will own it tomorrow and for the days to come.

 

For those who will judge me, let it be. For those who will offer words of support - I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Either way, thank you for reading!

 

I know I'll eventually find my own truth. And, I'm god damn sure that loving somebody is not something to be ashamed of.

 

This is such a beautiful, heartfelt post. Really resonates with me, every word.

I wish you all the very best, you've got this xx