Real Life and alike...

[Adoraxx]

And don't say this:

 

I might never find a man who will love me enough to be with me and stay with me. But, I know I won't settle. Especially, I won't settle for breadcrumbs and leftovers.

 

Of course you will find a man who wants to be with YOU and YOU only!!!!! Remember what you said: don't settle for breadcrumbs and leftovers, you deserve so much more than that... And btw, you're probably only making his life better because now he has BOTH: a W that he can go on vacations with and do this and that, and YOU for when he's bored and wants some excitement in his life... Take it away from him and move towards a better future for YOU!!!!!

[loveisanaction]

Onlywhenitrains, I do not know what your married man told you that was really really painful but look at what YOU are allowing him to do to you.

 

YOU allowed yourself to be sucked back into the affair. He sleeps with you then tells you about his upcoming vacation with his wife; like seriously? What nonsense! Kick this man to the curb.

 

Girl, isn’t your heart broken enough? I’m not even sure how it’s still beating considering the pain you are inflicting on it.

 

This is what you need to do; you need to cry, cry until there are no more tears left in tear ducts, use a whole pack of tissue if you have to, buy yourself some chocolates, and watch Bridget Jones Diary or Something’s Gotta Give (whatever floats your boat).

 

Then you wash your face and pull yourself up. This married man is not getting a divorce, he will not stop going on vacations with his wife, and he will not stop sleeping with you unless YOU put a stop to it. This is how your life is going to be if you keep caving in. Yes, if you dump him you are going to be in great pain but for only for a while. Do not be afraid of feeling pain, heck you’re already in pain now so what difference does it make?

 

It’s time girl, get rid of this man. He will not suddenly wake up and think you are the love of his life (that’s for the movies). What he will do is keep on sleeping with you and telling you about his vacations with his darling wife.

 

You want better, you want to stop crying, you want to stop allowing a married man to keep sleeping with you while he goes home and builds a life with his wife? YOU have to get it for yourself because he’s certainly not going to give to you.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Onlywhenitrains, I do not know what your married man told you that was really really painful but look at what YOU are allowing him to do to you.

 

YOU allowed yourself to be sucked back into the affair. He sleeps with you then tells you about his upcoming vacation with his wife; like seriously? What nonsense! Kick this man to the curb.

 

Girl, isn’t your heart broken enough? I’m not even sure how it’s still beating considering the pain you are inflicting on it.

 

This is what you need to do; you need to cry, cry until there are no more tears left in tear ducts, use a whole pack of tissue if you have to, buy yourself some chocolates, and watch Bridget Jones Diary or Something’s Gotta Give (whatever floats your boat).

 

Then you wash your face and pull yourself up. This married man is not getting a divorce, he will not stop going on vacations with his wife, and he will not stop sleeping with you unless YOU put a stop to it. This is how your life is going to be if you keep caving in. Yes, if you dump him you are going to be in great pain but for only for a while. Do not be afraid of feeling pain, heck you’re already in pain now so what difference does it make?

 

It’s time girl, get rid of this man. He will not suddenly wake up and think you are the love of his life (that’s for the movies). What he will do is keep on sleeping with you and telling you about his vacations with his darling wife.

 

You want better, you want to stop crying, you want to stop allowing a married man to keep sleeping with you while he goes home and builds a life with his wife? YOU have to get it for yourself because he’s certainly not going to give to you.

 

Loveisanaction.... If you only knew how many times I've read what you wrote above! If you only knew how many times it picked me up from the lows I've had in the past few weeks! Thank you! Thank you so much!

 

I haven't seen him, or got in touch with him in any way since that evening three or so weeks ago. He acted like an a*****, POS, SOB...you name it. He ridiculed my feelings, and had the audacity to suggest that I should've gotten used to the terms of the relationship rules his legal status requires. My blood was boiling for the first time since I got myself into this thing with him. I was mad. And, I was done.

 

I felt numb for some time.

 

Now, I just want to be my content self. Like I was before I met him. Working in that.

[Adoraxx]

He ridiculed my feelings, and had the audacity to suggest that I should've gotten used to the terms of the relationship rules his legal status requires. My blood was boiling for the first time since I got myself into this thing with him. I was mad. And, I was done.

 

This is what my xMM told me too! He said: "you refuse to obey the rules!!!" I thought to myself 'wtf, what rules?!' but of course I understood what he meant... I was supposed to have hot sex with him without having any expectations whatsoever... Simple expectations like consistency and all that, no sudden disappearances... I never had the expectation that he would leave his W because I knew he wouldn't and that's also a reason why I decided not to have sex with him again.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

 

This from Natalie Lue may help ;

 

Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man

[jenkins95]

 

I keep re-playing the year of our A looking for times and moments I should've acted differently than I did. There are so many of those where it was so clear what I should've done, but I didn't do it. There are points in our A where it was so clear I should've ended it. And, I didn't. I don't know why. I was weak. I was in the A fog. I was afraid to be alone again. The sex was beyond great. I don't know.

 

I know there is not much value in going through "could've would've should've" type of an exercise. Still need to do it, because it helps me understand myself better. I have to keep going. It's hard, but I have to.

 

 

(((OnlyWhenItRains)))

 

You've just saved me a lot of typing because I could have typed all the above word for word myself - from the mm perspective.

 

Pretty much the entire duration of the a, I had this nagging voice telling me that this has to end, but boy did I push that voice away. The a was just so damn pleasurable and I was so weak. Like you though, I'm paying for it now and so are the other players in my story.

 

Good luck, we will get past this. Keep posting

[jenkins95]

MM are never completely there for anybody in an A. while he was with me, he was constantly thinking about things at home and vice versa.

 

He did try several times to be the knight in shining armour. It always backfired on him and he abandonded me to run home.

 

I don't know your age Rains. I am a lot older than most on here. I have been married twice and I am not looking for "The One". All I want is peace.

 

Let's keep marching on,

 

Poppy.

 

Another great post Pop. The bolded bit - yep, that describes me to a tee during my A - cake eating, but never fully satisfied or at peace. Always anxious and nervy and struggling with conflicting feelings.

 

You are a great member here. I wish you that mental peace that you crave. All the very best luck.

[jenkins95]

Another hug (((OWIR)))

 

I just realised that the post I commented on above was from a couple of months back and there have been developments since then.

 

When a MM disrespects, patronises and hurts you like that - while it completely crushes you at the time and leaves you feeling like sh*t, once you get past that initial wave of hurt and anger, use this to aid your recovery. In his stress he has revealed a nasty side of himself, traits that he would have hidden from you during the affair. Use this to show yourself that he isn't the perfect, ideal man you thought he was - he is capable of being a hurtful, nasty POS. On top of this you know he must be a very good liar, creep, deceiver and cheat - after all it seems like he lives his home life pretty much as normal without suspicion from his wife?

 

It's so cruel when you fall in love with the wrong person in an impossible situation. I feel for you and want to hug you. But know that you are not alone - thousands, probably millions of people have or are experiencing the horrible pain you are feeling..... And nearly all got past it.

 

And you won't have to 'settle'for anyone. From your posts, it's obvious what an intelligent, sensitive, attractive person you are. Get yourself back to a happy state and put xMM behind you ( I know it's difficult, but you can do it), then you'll be fighting them off!

 

Maintain strict NC, don't dwell on the good times, concentrate on what a pos he his now that he had revealed his true colours and keep posting. It WILL be difficult, no question, but after a while you will suddenly notice that you do not think of him every second any more.

 

We are here

[Grey Cloud]

Another hug (((OWIR)))

 

I just realised that the post I commented on above was from a couple of months back and there have been developments since then.

 

When a MM disrespects, patronises and hurts you like that - while it completely crushes you at the time and leaves you feeling like sh*t, once you get past that initial wave of hurt and anger, use this to aid your recovery. In his stress he has revealed a nasty side of himself, traits that he would have hidden from you during the affair. Use this to show yourself that he isn't the perfect, ideal man you thought he was - he is capable of being a hurtful, nasty POS. On top of this you know he must be a very good liar, creep, deceiver and cheat - after all it seems like he lives his home life pretty much as normal without suspicion from his wife?

 

It's so cruel when you fall in love with the wrong person in an impossible situation. I feel for you and want to hug you. But know that you are not alone - thousands, probably millions of people have or are experiencing the horrible pain you are feeling..... And nearly all got past it.

 

And you won't have to 'settle'for anyone. From your posts, it's obvious what an intelligent, sensitive, attractive person you are. Get yourself back to a happy state and put xMM behind you ( I know it's difficult, but you can do it), then you'll be fighting them off!

 

Maintain strict NC, don't dwell on the good times, concentrate on what a pos he his now that he had revealed his true colours and keep posting. It WILL be difficult, no question, but after a while you will suddenly notice that you do not think of him every second any more.

 

We are here

 

Jenkins - I totally agree with you and this post really reasonated with me! I just tried to send you a PM as well but it rejected as mailbox is full. Try again later!

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is what my xMM told me too! He said: "you refuse to obey the rules!!!" I thought to myself 'wtf, what rules?!' but of course I understood what he meant... I was supposed to have hot sex with him without having any expectations whatsoever... Simple expectations like consistency and all that, no sudden disappearances... I never had the expectation that he would leave his W because I knew he wouldn't and that's also a reason why I decided not to have sex with him again.

 

I also had rules. As for the sex thing, it was only 2x. The second time, I didn't even have my pants on and he was whining and freaking out that he hoped his wife didn't smell my scent on him. We stayed together for another 7 weeks but no more sex.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I no longer wonder if he loved me, or cared, or if this thing we had was important to him. Because, it doesn't matter.

 

I was very hurt by the things he said last time I saw him. Hurt, and mad with my blood boiling for days after that. Then, it hit me two or so weeks ago that it's good that he said it. Allowed me to see him and the A for what it truly was. There was no going back for me at that point. There isn't.

 

Does that childish, girly part of me still love him in some way? Yes. But, it doesn't matter as it did before.

 

Lobe is right! Affairs suck!!!

[Grey Cloud]

I no longer wonder if he loved me, or cared, or if this thing we had was important to him. Because, it doesn't matter.

 

I was very hurt by the things he said last time I saw him. Hurt, and mad with my blood boiling for days after that. Then, it hit me two or so weeks ago that it's good that he said it. Allowed me to see him and the A for what it truly was. There was no going back for me at that point. There isn't.

 

Does that childish, girly part of me still love him in some way? Yes. But, it doesn't matter as it did before.

 

Lobe is right! Affairs suck!!!

 

 

I am in the EXACT same position as you. Our last conversation (almost six weeks ago now), totally revealed his true colours and left me feeling hurt, mad but most of all utterly disappointed - as the man I built up in my head in no way reflected the actual man he was. There was no turning back after that point. It is what needed to happen for me to totally move on even though I am still nostalgic over the "good" parts. But the reality hit me in the head compared to the fantasy.

[Onlywhenitrains]

That's what we OW do!!! Build a fantasy, avoid the reality, enjoy the pink/red (whatever color not to see him for what he is) glasses we need.

 

Then, it all comes chrashing one day. I'm happy it did it for me. No matter how much pain I feel about it right now. It's the reality I've been avoiding for so long.

[Lobe]

I honestly believe the AP has so much more power than they think. Doesn't matter if their beloved WS is tortured, belittled, neglected, controlled, manipulated, abusive..,

 

AP you are a GOD/GODDESS.

 

You have the luxury of demanding fidelity, a gift the BS does not possess, a power the WS mistakenly thinks they hold. No no - YOU.

 

You hold all the cards! Once you realize or know that you are the AP, you control EVERYTHING. The only question is, do you WANT to know where you stand? It's a gamble some APs make - they demand more, they contact BS, they cross a line WS doesn't think is OK... And suddenly your cheater threatens to cut you off if you pursue confirmation of the truth as they have presented it...

 

Normal people in normal relationships ask normal things about normal progressions... If you're being gaslighted as the AP ot BS...

Enough. Call it. When your gut says "something is rotten in Denmark" it probably is, whether it's their problem or yours!!!

[Onlywhenitrains]

I honestly believe the AP has so much more power than they think. Doesn't matter if their beloved WS is tortured, belittled, neglected, controlled, manipulated, abusive..,

 

AP you are a GOD/GODDESS.

 

You have the luxury of demanding fidelity, a gift the BS does not possess, a power the WS mistakenly thinks they hold. No no - YOU.

 

You hold all the cards! Once you realize or know that you are the AP, you control EVERYTHING. The only question is, do you WANT to know where you stand? It's a gamble some APs make - they demand more, they contact BS, they cross a line WS doesn't think is OK... And suddenly your cheater threatens to cut you off if you pursue confirmation of the truth as they have presented it...

 

Normal people in normal relationships ask normal things about normal progressions... If you're being gaslighted as the AP ot BS...

Enough. Call it. When your gut says "something is rotten in Denmark" it probably is, whether it's their problem or yours!!!

 

You are right, Lobe! That occurred to me many times during the affair and during this "push-pull" nonsense in the past few months. The thing is that affair fog, and emotional roller-coaster of being in the A clouds your judgment, while at the same time your self esteem is eroding at the exponential pace. So, you don't see it. Being lonely doesn't help either, it makes you weak and unable to walk away.

 

It wasn't until I went through almost two months of NC this spring that I saw and felt very clearly what you are saying. It's still hard to walk away, despite all that awareness. It still hurts.

 

It's so stupid, you know....the affairs. Year and a half ago when I met him, and we started all this despicable thing...I was very lonely in my life, but somehow content with myself. He was stuck in roommate/sexless (allegedly) marriage. We did this stupid thing for 18 months, with some ons and offs. So, after we both exercised lack of judgment and boundaries, and maintained the A for 18 months...where do we find ourselves now??? He is still where he was when it all started, and all his problems/frustrations with his marriage are still there. And, I'm alone and lonely....just like I was before I met him. The only thing to remember the A by is wasted time, invested emotions, heartache, and pain.

 

Should've cut our losses long time ago.

[Lobe]

It's sad your xMM didn't use the opportunity to improve his marriage. Because THAT would have at least been productive. My WH and I are back where we were and I feel like screaming, "Where's the silver f*cking lining I deserve for taking your sorry cheating ass back?" I wonder if I'm in marriage fog. lol

[Chica80]

It's sad your xMM didn't use the opportunity to improve his marriage. Because THAT would have at least been productive. My WH and I are back where we were and I feel like screaming, "Where's the silver f*cking lining I deserve for taking your sorry cheating ass back?" I wonder if I'm in marriage fog. lol

 

LOBE what is it you want different. It seems to me you have alot of power too. He chose to stay what is the reason? What are your demands?

[Onlywhenitrains]

For the past few months I've had this question in the back of my mind about my A, and this last phase of push and pull that was going on since late June...the question is:

 

Why do you stay?

 

I have no answer to that.

[ShatteredLady]

Lobe "My WH and I are back where we were and I feel like screaming, "Where's the silver f*cking lining I deserve for taking your sorry cheating ass back?".

 

 

I don't know about you but my WH yearned for QUOTE "Love, Romance & Adventure"! WONDERFUL don't we all? That was his fantasy. I was a burden of a cripple, sickness & surgery "Who would want that?".

 

Turns out that love, romance blah blah blah was code for wanting an ego stroke & now he's content with his cripple blah!

 

My cancer is in remission, my septic body has healed. I'm back to pushing on through my same old spine issues & I'm ready to go!!!

 

Where's my 'Love, Romance & Adventure'? Now I'm stuck with my depressive, boring, conflict avoidant, uncommunicative....now we just add heart breaking, guilt ridden cheat to the list!!

 

Fun times!!

[Onlywhenitrains]

I am hurt.

 

[Anne5113]

Onlywhenitrains,

 

I read something so true for me and probably for most of us over analyzing OW, obsessed about the why's & "what did I really mean to him?" that go round & round in our minds. "The Truth About Your Heart" by Nikita Gill. Look it up, it may not give immediate comfort, but dead on saying that our hearts fix themselves, but our minds are what to be worried about, & basically we have to fix that.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Three+ weeks of no contact, and I want to keep it that way!!!

 

I'm just angry at POS, SOB MM who don't have a courage to deal with their real problems in their marriages and go out flirting with their co-workers, or sign up on online dating sites... Just to continue their conflict avoidant, sweep it under the rug attitude ...and, then there comes the lonely, LONELY soul, sad about her marriage that doesn't work or she's just single and hasn't found that one she'd like...and here we go....!!!

 

Google it, and LoveShack we go!

 

You have to find and be yourself! Forget about marriage, affair, fling....whatever! Find yourself! B/c, if you find yourself in an A, thinking about someone you know to get into affair into, or some other similar fantasy - STOP NOW!

 

Look deep down, honestly into your most hidden feelings and thoughts, and who you were and are, look hard enough. And, then look again!. And, again!!! And, again.

 

If you still want the affair, well then...

 

Reminds me of some time long ago when I was contemplating dropping out of college and be a free lance something. My Mom (can't do anything but just love her despite her always bossy attitude - I adore her and more, btw) took me to the hamburger stands, pointed out at the girl on the grill and said "do you wanna spend the rest of your life flipping those, or you want something more? If you want something more, go ahead and do it. You can always go back to flipping hamburgers. There is nothing wrong with that"

 

Will never forget that.

Edited September 1, 2016 by Onlywhenitrains

[immokk]

It's sad your xMM didn't use the opportunity to improve his marriage. Because THAT would have at least been productive. My WH and I are back where we were and I feel like screaming, "Where's the silver f*cking lining I deserve for taking your sorry cheating ass back?" I wonder if I'm in marriage fog. lol

 

Are things not good for you right now, Lobe?

 

I'm so sorry if that's the case.

 

I haven't been keeping up on here

[Onlywhenitrains]

We have been NC for more than 3 weeks.

 

I was at the event last night. He was there, too. We didn't see each other. He texted me to let me know he was there. I responded with some pleasantries. He texted some more, but I didn't respond.

 

That was it.

 

Woke up this morning with heaviness of memories about everything that happened between us. Cried some. And, it lasted throughout the day. It started subsiding late afternoon.

 

I think I'm okay now.

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's been a month or so of LC or NC at all. I've never reached out. He did text and try to get in touch several times with some useless texts just to get me sucked back in. I barely responded, and just been trying to go on with my life.

 

I'm not gonna lie, it's been hard. But, I'm finding that I've been starting to feel at some level of peace when I don't hear from him. Still painful, but I can sense hope.

 

Yesterday and today were hard as these are anniversaries of some pretty major events in my life that happened last year, and were really hard and almost devastating for me. He was with me throughout all of it last year, and he was a great support during all that time. That's why I've been triggering quite a bit in the past week or so.

 

He texted last night with "let's be friends" crap. I called it out as crap, and didn't hold back in letting him know how impossible friendship between us is.

 

I'll get through this. I know I will. It's a long road, but I'll make it.

 

I'm just very lonely right now.