That's it!

[oberkeat]

That is only one woman. One single woman's experience.

Lovely that it worked out for them, but it's anecdotal. At best.

 

 

To say people would be less frustrated if only women were more like her is utter nonsense.

 

The story is an example of what can happen when people quit treating each other like disposable products and give someone a chance and a fair hearing. It's an example of dating done right. Not this instant gratification, one and done dating philosophy that has taken over the dating marketplace and is making people miserable.

[normal person]

These girls are never going to find any kind of decent relationship with someone if they keep nexting men after four seconds of dating because they don't feel the instant "spark" or "chemistry." Folks seem to be totally ignoring that point.

 

That's not a point, that's speculation. Even so, I don't see how "giving someone a chance" and settling for someone you really don't feel very strongly about is at all better than trying every option until you find the right person.

 

That's what I mean when I talk about the dating scene being as dysfunctional as it is. Dating has become a highly absurd comedy because a lot of young women have unrealistic expectations as to how relationships start and how important an instant spark is.

 

Finding the right person and waiting for the spark is almost unrealistic by nature. You might only feel it a few times in your entire life. But it's really the only thing worth looking for. Settling for something less will only leave you unhappy in the long run.

 

 

Like most women who do online dating, she made her decision based on the impossible standard of instant chemistry, instant spark, instant butterflies

 

It's not impossible, it's just difficult. And as the saying goes, anything worth doing isn't going to be easy. It's not worth it to settle for someone you don't have any interest in.

[Lovelorn00]

I agree with a lot of posters here that one must take responsibility for his/her own dating woes and life in general. Even when things are outside of our control, our reactions to negative situations can make a world of difference. However, I also agree with those who are pointing out that dating these days is just rough. It's harder than it's ever been, and I think it's okay to acknowledge that. While OP's attitude might benefit from some adjustment, the blame isn't totally on him, IMO. Navigating the dating pool is difficult and there are parts of it that suck hard (rejection, ghosting, etc.). It's hard to maintain a positive attitude after a series of negative dating experiences. Over time, those negative experiences start to sink and shape our overall attitudes towards dating and the opposite sex, and that's where I think it's wise to take a step back or take a break.

 

To me, the point of this thread was just to say, "You know, dating sucks sometimes," and I totally agree.

[preraph]

Let's say you got your wish and this woman who felt no spark and isn't attracted to you and knows it agrees to go on multiple dates and hears your whole life story and decides, Well, he's a nice guy. She still isn't attracted to you physically, though, which she knew as soon as she saw you live in motion. So I'm assuming you aren't looking to just be friends, so what is the point of her trying to get to know and like you if she's still not physically attracted to you? She's not going to have sex just because she likes you. She likes lots of people, her best friend, her little brother, her great uncle, her math teacher and her pastor, all good people.

[SoulCat]

The story is an example of what can happen when people quit treating each other like disposable products and give someone a chance and a fair hearing.

 

You had a 'fair hearing' with this woman, and she chose not to pursue anything further with you.

 

 

It's an example of dating done right.

 

In your opinion.

 

She did what was right for her and you're just butthurt she failed to see you for the quality man you say you are.

[oberkeat]

Let's say you got your wish and this woman who felt no spark and isn't attracted to you and knows it agrees to go on multiple dates and hears your whole life story and decides, Well, he's a nice guy. She still isn't attracted to you physically, though, which she knew as soon as she saw you live in motion. So I'm assuming you aren't looking to just be friends, so what is the point of her trying to get to know and like you if she's still not physically attracted to you? She's not going to have sex just because she likes you. She likes lots of people, her best friend, her little brother, her great uncle, her math teacher and her pastor, all good people.

 

You had a 'fair hearing' with this woman, and she chose not to pursue anything further with you.

 

 

 

 

In your opinion.

 

She did what was right for her and you're just butthurt she failed to see you for the quality man you say you are.

 

Totally not the issue. Whether she did feel attraction, or would feel it eventually isn't the issue. There are no guarantees. The point here is, the superficial dating style and philosophy, the type of warp-speed dating a lot of gals like her do these days makes it virtually impossible for a connection to form and virtually impossible for folks like them to find compatible partners. It totally shuts the door on the possibility that something like what I described with my married friend could happen. It's a shame, and I think it's completely unnecessary.

Edited April 5, 2016 by oberkeat

[losangelena]

I agree with a lot of posters here that one must take responsibility for his/her own dating woes and life in general. Even when things are outside of our control, our reactions to negative situations can make a world of difference. However, I also agree with those who are pointing out that dating these days is just rough. It's harder than it's ever been, and I think it's okay to acknowledge that. While OP's attitude might benefit from some adjustment, the blame isn't totally on him, IMO. Navigating the dating pool is difficult and there are parts of it that suck hard (rejection, ghosting, etc.). It's hard to maintain a positive attitude after a series of negative dating experiences. Over time, those negative experiences start to sink and shape our overall attitudes towards dating and the opposite sex, and that's where I think it's wise to take a step back or take a break.

 

To me, the point of this thread was just to say, "You know, dating sucks sometimes," and I totally agree.

 

Well, it's one thing to say, "I just had a really disappointing experience and I'm feeling down about dating right now," and it's quite another thing to say you'd have better luck if only those pesky women would stop seeing relationships as disposable.

 

You know what I did when I noticed that I kept having the same dating issues over and over again? I looked inside myself to see how I could be contributing to my own lack of success. I didn't blame men as a gender or their crappy attitudes.

 

Yes, dating is hard. Yes, our current system of dating is frustrating. It's not all the fault of "the gals."

[Toodaloo]

There must have been something there for her to want to see him again so while she may not have been head over heals she must have thought it was worth pursuing.

 

There are many reasons why people make their choices. I had a date with a guy that I got on well with but learnt during that date that he was a Nazi. Now anyone who knows me will know that that is a serious compatibility issue. He didn't but I did and I will never see him again. I am sure he will go on to find someone else who is more compatible with him though.

 

As I have said before I am sure guys who have dated me and said no thanks have found something in something I have said or done that makes them think "hell no!". Its not a problem because while I do not know what it is that something is probably something that a compatible partner will adore.

 

Oberkeat your problem is your attitude. You seem to think that these women have to go out with you and marry you because you think you are a nice guy. To put it bluntly some of the comments you have made are FAR from attractive... It sounds to me as though you would accept anything with a pair of boobs... Not good.

[Imajerk17]

I never used the words "all womanhood". Some women are actually behaving more reasonably, and are happier for it. Some women are actually giving themselves and the men they date a chance.

 

I mentioned my married friend who met her man via a blind date. She was coming off a bad breakup and had pretty much given up on dating altogether, until her sister talked her into meeting this dude. At first she wasn't crazy about him. He gave her a hug when they met at the restaurant, which she found off-putting. But she gave it more time, and they've been married for years.

 

She's a wonderful person inside and out, and I think he's lucky to have her. I think if more women were like her these days, there would be a lot less frustrated single people of both genders. There would be fewer people quitting dating like me.

 

Well then. Congratulations OP, from the way you are describing your friend vs the [] girl [], it is clear that the girl of this thread isn't the type of person for you anyway, and now you are free to find someone who has the values of your married friend. Sounds like a win to me...

 

That said OP, you come across on here as extremely tightly-wound and frustrated. Have you considered that this may have been conveyed to your date as well? No matter what she said about how she "enjoyed talking with you" and that you "seem like a wonderful guy". I mean, rejection happens to us all, but if dating in general is such a struggle for you then maybe you should take some responsibility for that.

Edited April 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

The story is an example of what can happen when people quit treating each other like disposable products and give someone a chance and a fair hearing. It's an example of dating done right. Not this instant gratification, one and done dating philosophy that has taken over the dating marketplace and is making people miserable.

 

Just out of curiosity, mow much time does the person have to spend with you for you to consider that they have you "a fair hearing" and didn't treat you like you were disposable?

 

This woman spend a good part of a day with you. Why isn't that enough?

 

Personally I was grateful for the ones who said no thank you early. By the time you get up to 5, 6, 7 dates you think you have something here. To have the rug pulled out from under you then would be more traumatic, IMO. Plus it's just a waste of time & money.

[J21]

She felt it on the first day and was letting you down easy.

 

Just to be blunt and to the point, girls don't owe you or any "decent guys a chance". (It works both ways--guys dont need to give the time of the day either).

 

If they don't feel it, they don't feel it. No need to waste anybody's time.

[elaine567]

In real life we meet all sorts of people, some we immediately do not like, some we think are OK, some are pretty good and some we are highly attracted to.

We filter, we avoid those we do not like and we gravitate to those we do. We make friends/acquaintances of them, or we go that extra step, date them and make them our partners.

IN OLD you do not have the advantage of that real life filter, so you have to meet in an artificial way.

Had that girl met you first IRL, she may have put you straight into the AVOID box OR the FRIEND box, she may never have planned a date with you.

OLD did not give her enough clues, so she agreed to a date on the info she had been given.

That is why OLD is such a numbers game, OLD can give some clues but it cannot give a complete picture, so every first date has the chance it will go well or not.

It is NOT a woman's fault if she decides she doesn't want to take things further or she doesn't want "to give it time", a woman likes who she likes..YOU cannot force women to like you or go out with you again.

In the same way, she couldn't force you to like her, if you didn't see any future.

[Jejangles]

In real life we meet all sorts of people, some we immediately do not like, some we think are OK, some are pretty good and some we are highly attracted to.

 

Yes! I always say in online dating you meet people who are yes, maybe or no. I will personally only go on a second date with a maybe or yes. Some people are only interested in yes because they don't think things can grow with a maybe. Not many people are going to go on a second date with a no, because your opinion is unlikely to change within a reasonable time (I would say under 5 dates).

[losangelena]

Yes! I always say in online dating you meet people who are yes, maybe or no. I will personally only go on a second date with a maybe or yes. Some people are only interested in yes because they don't think things can grow with a maybe. Not many people are going to go on a second date with a no, because your opinion is unlikely to change within a reasonable time (I would say under 5 dates).

 

Same here. It took me five dates once with a guy I was unsure of before I realized he went into the no category. I wonder if that would be enough time in someone like OP's mind to be considered a "fair shot." Somehow, I have a feeling that if a woman did that to him, she'd be accused of dating him for the free meals.

[xxoo]

It really comes down to this: would she rather go out with you again or stay home?

 

If she doesn't want to spend more time with you, how can you fault her for that? She was kind about it.

[oberkeat]

Just out of curiosity, mow much time does the person have to spend with you for you to consider that they have you "a fair hearing" and didn't treat you like you were disposable?

 

This woman spend a good part of a day with you. Why isn't that enough?

 

Personally I was grateful for the ones who said no thank you early. By the time you get up to 5, 6, 7 dates you think you have something here. To have the rug pulled out from under you then would be more traumatic, IMO. Plus it's just a waste of time & money.

 

I'd have been satisfied if she had called it quits after a second date. This really goes back to the epidemic of one-and-done dates. Online dating has become notorious for one and done dates. There's even an online dating service using the tagline "more second dates" in their commercials. I don't think my viewpoint on this is asking too much.

 

I think the fact that the one and done date has become the new normal for so many people in the dating game is crazy, especially since there are examples of people who have given it more than twelve minutes and had very happy relationships.

 

We don't have the patience, the humility or the attention spans to make dating work today. It's become nothing more than hookup culture.

Edited April 5, 2016 by oberkeat

[oberkeat]

[Non-conforming content redacted]

 

I met [this date] at the museum knowing full well sex wasn't on the table. Before the date she said she'd be meeting her family for a get together after, and I said that was cool. I didn't even go for a kiss. I was there to get to know her as a person and for us to have fun. Unlike a lot of women in the dating game these days, I was serious about dating and finding a relationship. It's too bad I was wasting my time.

Edited April 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted and relevant content retained.

[neowulf]

[Non-conforming content redacted]

 

I met [this date] at the museum knowing full well sex wasn't on the table. Before the date she said she'd be meeting her family for a get together after, and I said that was cool. I didn't even go for a kiss. I was there to get to know her as a person and for us to have fun. Unlike a lot of women in the dating game these days, I was serious about dating and finding a relationship. It's too bad I was wasting my time.

 

Question.

 

Can you acknowledge at least this woman owes you nothing? How is a waste of time spending time with someone to see if you click? Isn't that the point of dating?

 

You have this MASSIVE chip on your shoulder about what you feel is "fair and reasonable" from these women, despite everyone in this thread pointing out it's unrealistic.

 

The world doesn't care how you "wish" it was. You have to adapt and deal with what is.

 

There are men out there who can't even land dates. You got to spend a whole afternoon with an attractive young lady.

 

Why choose to experience that as such a negative thing? Why view it through such a destructive lens. How is this belief system you have actually serving you?

[]

 

If these women aren't asking for a second date, it's because they don't *feel* it with you. They are doing you a favor. They aren't playing games with you. They're making it clear they're not interested. That's the OPPOSITE of wasting your time.

Edited April 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Berating content redacted and member moderated

[William]

Since we already posted a directive here, I'll reiterate it. Post constructive commentary and refrain from individual and/or group berating.

 

I'll just keep removing posting privileges until it ends or everyone is gone. There's really no reason for that except that people can't help themselves but to take shots at others. Well, here on LoveShack that means you're gone. We don't care because, obviously, you don't care about our rules.

 

For members who post within our guidelines and sincerely seek to assist other members, please stay. For others, please leave. We don't want you here.

[BlueIris]

I'd have been satisfied if she had called it quits after a second date.

 

I'd include that in your profile- that you expect people to give it two dates before they make a decision. You might find that people who feel the same way will like that.

[normal person]

I'd have been satisfied if she had called it quits after a second date.

 

And she would be satisfied not seeing you again. Why do you think your opinion is so much more valuable than hers?

 

This really goes back to the epidemic of one-and-done dates. Online dating has become notorious for one and done dates.

 

There's nothing so bad about one and done dates. You put in a little effort and spend minimal time and money. If you don't like what you get out of it, it's not the end of the world. For most people who aren't you, the time and money spent going out again with someone they didn't like the first time would be better spent used trying to find someone who's company they actually enjoy.

 

There's even an online dating service using the tagline "more second dates" in their commercials.

 

You endorsing a tagline like that is confirmation that you're being successfully pandered to by a corporation trying to extract dollars from unsuccessful people in exchange for hope.

 

I don't think my viewpoint on this is asking too much.

And asking to raise taxes 1% isn't asking too much either. That still doesn't make it agreeable when you don't like the premise to begin with. A person goes out with you the first time because she stands something to gain -- she might like you. But once she determines that she doesn't, she has nothing to gain by going out with you again. She just loses time. There's nothing in it for her. That's why your whole stance is so incredibly pointless, you're only considering yourself when the whole crux of the issue is what she wants to do.

 

Honestly, what did you have planned for this magical second date that was suddenly going to transform her opinion of you from indifferent to something more? Do you really think you were just sixty minutes away from her flipping the switch somehow? She just didn't like you. Most people don't like most other people and it usually stays that way. Deal with it like everyone else.

 

I think the fact that the one and done date has become the new normal for so many people in the dating game is crazy, especially since there are examples of people who have given it more than twelve minutes and had very happy relationships.

 

It works for people who don't want to settle. If you're happy to keep giving chances to people you don't like to begin with because you think dating culture is poisoned; if you're happy to settle, that's fine. But finding a woman with the same methodology as you is your problem. You'll have to get someone to waste their time giving you chances even when they have better options available. Good luck with that. Everyone else is happy with the quick trial method, if they weren't happy with the way things are then they wouldn't be doing it.

 

Here's a legitimate question: what's preventing you from just getting over it and going out with someone who might actually want to see you again instead of sitting here complaining about one girl who didn't like you?

Edited April 6, 2016 by normal person

[oberkeat]

Question.

 

Can you acknowledge at least this woman owes you nothing? How is a waste of time spending time with someone to see if you click? Isn't that the point of dating?

 

You have this MASSIVE chip on your shoulder about what you feel is "fair and reasonable" from these women, despite everyone in this thread pointing out it's unrealistic.

 

The world doesn't care how you "wish" it was. You have to adapt and deal with what is.

 

There are men out there who can't even land dates. You got to spend a whole afternoon with an attractive young lady.

 

Why choose to experience that as such a negative thing? Why view it through such a destructive lens. How is this belief system you have actually serving you?

[]

 

If these women aren't asking for a second date, it's because they don't *feel* it with you. They are doing you a favor. They aren't playing games with you. They're making it clear they're not interested. That's the OPPOSITE of wasting your time.

 

I am making a practical argument here. Nothing to do with feeling owed anything. I am saying the way dating is structured today makes it damn near impossible for single men and women to form lasting fulfilling relationships. You cannot get to know people if you're nexting everyone you meet after one date that lasts five minutes. I am exaggerating slightly, but not by much. If I told you that you've got two hours to wow a girl and if you don't wow she's on to the next guy, you would be sweating bullets. That is an extremely tight window for a guy to operate in, no matter how good his game is. That's a lot of pressure, but that's the way dating is these days. I think it's sick. Expecting to feel an amazing spark within minutes of meeting someone and then nexting the person because you don't is simply unrealistic and ultimately self destructive. Sadly that's how most people are doing dating today, and you're seeing the results in the escalating singles rate and declining marriage rate. People are becoming incapable of forming meaningful relationships. People's dating expectations have become completely unreasonable and unrealistic.

Edited April 6, 2016 by oberkeat

[xxoo]

What you're missing is the opportunity to get to know women naturally, with multiple opportunities to make a strong impression while not dating. It's up to you to make those opportunities.

[preraph]

I think your best dating method may be to set yourself up in social groups or classes or a hobby group where you will organically repeatedly be around other people and network and get to know someone who at least has that one thing in common with you. Like church groups, volunteering somewhere, again, hobbies, whatever they may be, even paranormal groups or any special interest thing like that. It gives you a place to expand socially if nothing else, which can lead to meeting someone.

 

(Actually, I think that's the best way in general, not just for you.)

[normal person]

I am saying the way dating is structured today makes it damn near impossible for single men and women to form lasting fulfilling relationships.

 

Nothing you've said in this thread has given any proof that that's true.

 

I am making a practical argument here. Nothing to do with feeling owed anything.

 

Ok, but...

 

You cannot get to know people if you're nexting everyone you meet after one date that lasts five minutes.

 

...You seem to think people owe other people more time than they deem necessary. (And usually it's a lot longer than 5 minutes -- long enough to know whether or not they're attracted and/or interested enough in someone enough to see them again).

 

If I told you that you've got two hours to wow a girl and if you don't wow she's on to the next guy, you would be sweating bullets. That is an extremely tight window for a guy to operate in. That's a lot of pressure, but that's the way dating is these days.

 

Or, if you're sensible, you go in with an open mind, just be yourself and interact with the person normally rather than try to put on an act and "impress" someone. You accept the fact that you may not like each other for whatever reason. If you're actually a decent, likable, appealing person then there's no need to worry. Why do you assume a guy is always at some sort of disadvantage here? That a woman "grants" him a two hour window in which he can do his "act?" If you're actually someone worth dating, this whole notion is totally spurious. If you're someone worth dating, women will want to spend time with you, not sit there like Simon Cowell telling you how poorly you performed. And not to mention you also have to like her. A women could be as equally concerned what the guy thinks about her. Why are you always imagining the situation from a disadvantaged perspective, that women have some conspiracy against you?

 

I've been out with plenty of women and can't recall ever being at all nervous about it. I'm usually excited to meet the person. The odds are that they are too.

 

I think it's sick. Expecting to feeling an amazing spark within minutes of meeting someone and then nexting the person because you don't is simply unrealistic and ultimately self destructive.

 

Settling for someone you have no attraction to is moronic, short-sighted, defeatist, and ultimately self-destructive. The modern dating landscape allows people who are worth dating to date each other and step over the ones who aren't worth dating. Survival of the fittest.

Edited April 6, 2016 by normal person