That's it!

[Leigh 87]

Totally a red herring. This has nothing to do with women not having be tied down in marriage anymore and being able to work for their own living. She was on this dating site looking for a man. The problem with the dating game is the unrealistic expectations single women have when it comes to finding a match. How can you know you wouldn't have a great relationship with a guy if you only met with him for two hours! Remember those ridiculous speed dating shows in the 90's? That's become all of dating today. I think it's sad.

 

Yeah the girls wanting a "hot" guy with money and sizzling chemistry who is a saint are being unrealistic. Sure.

 

Except what about the girls like me who have actually given ALL types of guys a chance, and actually NEVER come to enjoy relationships with men who have to "grow" on them?

 

I also do not enjoy relationships with men that I have to "grow on":sick:

 

And this is not for lack of trying "your" method, which you seem to assume is the best way for *everyone*. dogmatic much?

 

I do not think my way fits all. But it DOES work for me. Since I have tried letting NUMEROUS men "grow" on me, in addition to dating men who were not smitten with me, and I had to "grow on".

 

I can safely say that men who have to "grow" on me, NEVER end up being men that I ENJOY dating - because passion is a high priority for me if I am to enter into a romantic relationship - I was actually HAPPIER single than I was without the fireworks.

 

But do not get me wrong, I do not have "unrealistic expectations" at all. I do not need a "hot guy" ( not necessary for chemistry), nor do I need a rich guy or a super smart guy. Or a guy who has to love travel just because I do. You catch my drift.

 

I KNOW you can not "have it all" in the one man, so I figure I need to narrow my list down and realise I will not get EVERYTHING.

 

The instant connection and spark happens to be a must have for me - but again - I DO NOT also need much else aside from fundamental comparability and a guy who I can laugh with. That is is really! A full time job sure, but they can be poor providing they are a nice person and generous with what they do have.

 

I think someone like me is being very *realistic*. I, and others, acknowledge that we can not "have it all", and we happen to choose chemistry and the immediate attraction as a "must have" knowing that we will have to forego something else in its place (so long as the guy is not an @ss or long term unemployed!).

 

My bf is sorta poor, was unemployed for a month early on in the relationship, and has issues from his past that many women would not accept. Yet he makes me the happiest any other man ever has - far more than the rich ones who could offer me stability.

 

We are not ALL unrealistic JUST because we need instant chemistry. Again - SOME of us NEVER end up falling very hard for the men who have to "grow" on us. And nor do we want to be with a man who we have to "grow on" because, well, we prefer men who have loads of lust from us for the start, because most men, if they are not wanting to rip your clothes off from the start, NEVER end up being "wildly" attracted to a woman if it is not there from the GET GO.

 

We all have our reasons for wishing for certain things, and you are not being very respectful of women who may otherwise have perfectly reasonable standards -

[insert_name]

I know this situation well. Sadly she probably has too many options to warrant giving a second chance based on a date that to her was 'okay'.

 

This really sucks for me because I have hardly ever had a first date that had 'ZOMG sparks!'. I recently dated a girl who I thought was average, I offered her a second date literally because I had nothing better going on at the time and and she was kind of amusing....by the third date I was seriously addicted to her. It was incredible how my perception of her changed based on time spent together...and then she ended up ****ing me over

 

So as if dating wasn't hard enough I know I need more than one date to feel something with a girl whereas in my experience girls make their judgements quickly (from what I can surmise because of their options, the ones I date make no secret of the fact they are speaking to other guys).

 

Like you OP what I really have a problem with is the amount of time investment in a date only for it to go nowhere. I am there to meet a romantic interest, not make a temporary friend. I would appreciate it if at the point the girl is not feeling it they just bail. I guess bar/coffee dates for the first meet are kinda 'meh' but they really are the most low investment way of meeting for the first time. Walking round a museum locks the other person in so like it or not you were bound to spend a significant amount of time together and perhaps the time spent alone might give you some subconscious indication that there is more interest than there actually is, so I would do something in the future that is quick and easy.

[d0nnivain]

oberkeat

 

I'm sorry that she didn't want a 2nd date. However, one woman's opinion should not inform the rest of your life.

 

If you got her to agree to one date you can get another woman to date you & perhaps that one will go for a 2nd. The small silver lining is also that she is a straightforward person; it would have been worse if she strung you along. Plus she did give you a chance. She went on the 1st date with you. If she was truly as awful as you want to paint her, she never would have gone to the museum.

 

Some people just need that spark. If I wasn't attracted to a man the 1st time I saw him, the passage of time didn't change that. It's just the way some folks are wired.

 

Lick your wounds but don't give up completely.

[Leigh 87]

Let me tell you a funny story.

 

One day, I gave a man a chance who I just was not feeling amazing chemistry with. He was so sweet and a great guy! I had always wanted a man who got me flowers and treated me to dates after my awful exes who did nothing for me.

 

I LOVE kissing and being passionate about a partner. While yes I was not repulsed by them and I even enjoyed it if THEY were to go down on ME and pleasure ME - I did NOT have that wild desire to make out with them.

 

I hated that I didn't just want to grab them and make out with them, since that is a MAJOR part of being happy with a partner for me - I LOVE it when you have the kind of chemistry where you BOTH (note: BOTH) become overwhelmed with desire to make out, and it feels exhilarating whilst doing it.

 

So aside from the fact I had ZERO urges to even make out with them ans basically used them as a human oral device (where I cringed at the thought of returning the favour because I need HIGH attraction for me to want to give oral), when it came to actual sex... boy...

 

The first time he tried to have sex with me it was like a scene out of the movies.. where the woman just LAYS there, face to the ceiling with a bland expression on her face:lmao:

 

I felt nothing.

 

And this was a guy that I DID find attractive when we first met and I DID share SOME chemistry with - just not fireworks. To ME - and SOME women, we either feel the sizzle immediately, or it never comes - and when men have to "grow" on us, it basically means that we NEVER enjoy shagging them.

 

The times I let a guy grow on me it was ALWAYS because I felt desperate and wanted a relationship for the wrong reasons and it NEVER worked out. Whenever I would better myself and be in the right head space where I did not NEED a relationship, I would LEAVE the guys who I had no sizzle with and I "tried to give a chance to".

 

 

 

 

I feel physically ill and cringe when I think of one of my exes:sick: I "have him a chance to grow" on me. I honestly feel ill at the thought of sex with him - a man I did not have the sizzle with.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with your decision OP. Stop dating completely.

 

The moment you get to the point of any rejection or issue becoming a 'it's all women' in your mind then no meeting nor relationship will work out for you full stop.

 

Change your behaviour and in time your attitude may change but until you change your behaviour your attitude will only worsen,

[oberkeat]

What an experience it must be to be the average woman in today's world. You've got a large chunk of the male population wrongly assuming that because you're a woman, you're automatically only interested in jerks, money, and status. Then you've got the group of guys who think that because they are "nice," they are entitled to any woman they want and when they're rebuffed, that woman is suddenly irrational or a "b****."

 

The sad truth is, girls these days, at least the ones I've dated, aren't doing a great job of dispelling any of those assumptions.

 

Yeah. ...or that despite the fact that you're in grad school, working, or otherwise busy and building your life, you still mostly want a BF or husband, or should want that because that's what good or feminine women should want.

 

Dating, mating and baby-making just isn't as high a priority for young women these days as it might have been for their grandmothers.

 

Lol, no one ever said it should be. But this girl we are talking about is actively meeting guys and setting up dates with guys on a dating site. Obviously she was looking for a man. And it'll be a long-ass time before she finds one if she keeps nexting guys within twelve minutes of meeting them.

 

When a person dates they need to be ready to accept that it's not going to be mutually "clicking" with the majority of people that they meet.

 

That girl will probably be giving some decent guy a chance, when she meets the right one.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated but you are not going to get anywhere as long as you keep believing that because you consider yourself to be a decent person (and I don't doubt that you are!) that it should earn you a "chance" from any woman who isn't feeling that type of attraction towards you.

 

I never said I was special. I think every guy out there deserves a chance, no matter what they look like or how much money they make. The sad reality is the most girls today are not giving these guys a chance. Men have become disposable objects, and no one is any happier for it when it comes to the dating game, imo.

 

Why do you assume she has unrealistic expectations because she wasn't attracted to you? (That's at least how I interpret her comment that she wasn't feeling it.). Maybe by even agreeing to go out with you in the first place she was trying to give it a chance.

 

The fact is, this gal is one of MANY women out there who are doing the exact same conduct. Meeting fifty guys every week, just long enough to get the slightest most superficial glimpse of their personality, only to next them. The move from date to date, never settling on any one of 'em because there's always someone else a swipe away. The point is the well has been poisoned when it comes to dating, and it's simply not worth it for the single man these days. Are you hearing what I'm saying? We are in a terrible environment for dating. Much worse than it's ever been. The deck is totally stacked against single guys these days. If you are a guy, your chances of finding a single girl who is actually interested in a relationship is astronomically small.

Edited April 4, 2016 by oberkeat

[oberkeat]

I'm sorry OP, but this is absurd. Blood boiling.

 

 

 

So let me get this straight: she agreed to go out on a long, multi-venue date with her and you complain that she didn't give you a chance? Am I reading this right?

 

 

 

Just because you don't need sexual sparks (although, off topic, I think you should if you want to continue going out with someone), doesn't mean she doesn't need to, or doesn't need you to meet some other standard or requirement of hers. She was also trying to get to know you as a person and potential romantic partner. She did. What she found wasn't worth any more of her time. She's entitled to feel that way. She doesn't owe you anything else. Thinking (or even just saying) you're wonderful and fun does not mean she has any sort of attraction to you. Saying someone is wonderful is also a great way to say "I don't want to go out with you again but I don't want you to throw a hissy fit about me not liking you, which I totally suspect you would do."

 

Oprah is wonderful and fun, I'm in no rush to date her. Zero sexual attraction. How you view it is not what matters. If you want her attention and time, then how she views it the deciding factor.

 

 

 

Just because one girl one time gave a guy a second or third chance doesn't obligate all women to do it. Just because one woman didn't want to go on a second date with you doesn't mean she, or anyone else, has misguided priorities.

She's entitled to go out with or not go out with anyone she wants. Maybe she's not attracted to you. Maybe she wants a guy who will make more money than her. Whatever the reason, you can't argue with it and you can't force people into things against their emotions with logic and reasoning. It will never work and it's disrespectful.

 

 

 

A girl gave you a chance, but very graciously and respectfully declined to see you again, so you're complaining and calling it quits? She has her own feelings and opinions so women are terrible and the sky is falling? Give me a break. It's this kind of crap that creates an environment that creates a less welcoming, more hostile dating environment for women. She did give you a chance, she did treat you with utmost respect, but God forbid she commit the cardinal sin of not liking you. They're better off without your passive aggression and entitlement. You calling it quits will only help things for both men and women.

 

 

 

Or, better yet, maybe it's the entitled attitudes of guys who for some reason think women owe them something for nothing or are obligated to think certain things or feel certain ways about them.

 

 

 

It doesn't sound like she's met any recently.

 

I feel no anger toward this girl whatsoever. Actually, I feel sad for her. She's looking for a decent guy to spend time with, who will treat her with respect, and like her for who she is, and she passed up on one after only one two hour date. There are plenty of women who think that sounds absurd and ridiculous too, not just men. You really don't know someone after one brief meeting. Dating is not getting past a superficial level anymore. People are only in it for instant gratification. Girls are not equipped to be in relationships anymore. That's something that takes patience and an attention span. Sadly, almost none of the people I encounter these days in the dating game has any of those things. That's why dating has become a waste of time. It's best to move on and cut my losses.

[SwordofFlame]

I never said I was special. I think every guy out there deserves a chance, no matter what they look like or how much money they make. The sad reality is the most girls today are not giving these guys a chance. Men have become disposable objects, and no one is any happier for it when it comes to the dating game, imo.

 

That's totally not realistic. Not even if dating was a women's full time job.

[Blanco]

It's also a ridiculous expectation considering that few people seem to think men should do the same for every woman.

 

Your mere existence in the world shouldn't (and thankfully doesn't) automatically make you an option for every breathing member of the opposite sex in the world.

[Blanco]

I feel no anger toward this girl whatsoever. Actually, I feel sad for her. She's looking for a decent guy to spend time with, who will treat her with respect, and like her for who she is, and she passed up on one after only one two hour date. There are plenty of women who think that sounds absurd and ridiculous too, not just men. You really don't know someone after one brief meeting. Dating is not getting past a superficial level anymore. People are only in it for instant gratification. Girls are not equipped to be in relationships anymore. That's something that takes patience and an attention span. Sadly, almost none of the people I encounter these days in the dating game has any of those things. That's why dating has become a waste of time. It's best to move on and cut my losses.

 

Two hours isn't really brief. She didn't blow you off after you said, "Hello" to her in passing at a 7-11. You two spent some time together at multiple places and spent a good amount of time talking, if your OP is to be believed.

 

Of course you can't really know someone after that amount of time, but that can certainly be enough time to know enough about someone to gauge whether you'd be interested in continuing on with that person.

[d0nnivain]

But this girl we are talking about is actively meeting guys and setting up dates with guys on a dating site. Obviously she was looking for a man. And it'll be a long-ass time before she finds one if she keeps nexting guys within twelve minutes of meeting them.

 

Are you hearing what I'm saying? We are in a terrible environment for dating. Much worse than it's ever been. The deck is totally stacked against single guys these days. If you are a guy, your chances of finding a single girl who is actually interested in a relationship is astronomically small.

 

That's not fair. She gave you more then 12 minutes & you know it.

 

Based on the above I agree with whoever said that you should stop dating. I'm not advocating that you stop forever but right now you are upset & viewing everything in extremes. With that mindset you are not attracting happy healthy people & it's making things seem worse.

 

Give yourself some time off. Focus on other things you enjoy. When you are happier in your own skin romantic possibilities will open up.

[oberkeat]

It's also a ridiculous expectation considering that few people seem to think men should do the same for every woman.

 

Your mere existence in the world shouldn't (and thankfully doesn't) automatically make you an option for every breathing member of the opposite sex in the world.

 

No one ever said that, either. What I'm saying here is that this warp-speed dating, where folks meet once for five minutes and then decide, meh, I don't feel a spark, then quickly move on to the next one on the list isn't getting anyone anywhere.Dating today has gone to the other extreme of the spectrum, superficial in the extreme. Do you honestly think that's how dating should be? I don't. The mythical spark that gals talk so much about rarely if ever happens. Even with folks who have been together for years. I feel like gals are holding out for something that is totally unrealistic and extremely rare.

Edited April 4, 2016 by oberkeat

[MidwestUSA]

No one ever said that, either. What I'm saying here is that this warp-speed dating, where folks meet once for five minutes and then decide, meh, I don't feel a spark, then quickly move on to the next one on the list isn't getting anyone anywhere.Dating today has gone to the other extreme of the spectrum, superficial in the extreme. Do you honestly think that's how dating should be? I don't.

 

Was it five minutes or two hours?

 

I agree with all who said you need to take a break. You're getting bent out of shape over something countless people go through, every day.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Met her online. That was my first mistake. As others have said, it's so easy for folks to get GIGS.

That's true. But not feeling like getting into a relationship with a guy just because he's a decent fellow is not an example of GIGS.

 

Why must so many guys on here villianize women who simply choose to hold out for a man she is really interested in? That's not wrong or anything you know!

[d0nnivain]

No one ever said that, either. What I'm saying here is that this warp-speed dating, where folks meet once for five minutes and then decide, meh, I don't feel a spark, then quickly move on to the next one on the list isn't getting anyone anywhere.Dating today has gone to the other extreme of the spectrum, superficial in the extreme. Do you honestly think that's how dating should be? I don't.

 

You are just wired differently. You need time for that spark to build. For others it's there or it's not. If she is one of those & she has realized that for her the spark doesn't develop over time, she was right to say no thank you.

 

On the few occasions I tried to date a man for whom I didn't initially feel a spark it was bad. I was uncomfortable & tense the whole date. I got a stomach ache dreading the idea that he was going to try to kiss me good night. I felt like I was using him or somehow otherwise being dishonest. I agreed to these dates because I thought I was supposed to "give nice guys a chance" so I tried. FWIW, only 1 was a real world meet; the other two were OLD dates. After the 3rd strike I vowed never to go out on even a meet type date with a guy if there was no initial spark; to do otherwise was simply a waste of time.

[Blanco]

No one ever said that, either.

 

YOU said that:

 

I think every guy out there deserves a chance, no matter what they look like or how much money they make.

[Rejected Rosebud]

So let me get this straight: she agreed to go out on a long, multi-venue date with her and you complain that she didn't give you a chance? Am I reading this right?

 

What's especially amusing and ironic about this is that the OP (correct me if I'm wrong, OP) is of the school of thought that a man is "The Gatekeeper Of Relationships" and won't become exclusive with any woman until he has sampled her sexually and found her suitable in that regard.

 

So giving him a chance is probably a particularly bad idea if she already knows she's not feeling it. A chance to bonk her!!

[SoulCat]

The mythical spark that gals talk so much about rarely if ever happens.

 

 

Not mythical at all. And it happens all the time, maybe just not with you.

 

 

I feel like gals are holding out for something that is totally unrealistic and extremely rare.

 

 

Even if it was something 'totally unrealistic and extremely rare', it's their right to be holding out for.

[Blanco]

If this girl had agreed to go out with you five more times and then ended it, you'd likely be upset that she led you on or something.

 

This girl spent an afternoon with you, not five minutes. Stop acting like you two were at a speed-dating event or something.

 

You speak in such generalities. You have some negative experiences with women, so now "most" or "all" women are like that. You don't get a second date with someone who wasn't feeling you, and suddenly all of Western Civilization isn't interested in getting to know a new person.

 

Your experiences don't speak for all men and women out there and it's toxic to think that your experiences with women can accurately speak for an entire gender.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

I never said I was special. I think every guy out there deserves a chance, no matter what they look like or how much money they make. The sad reality is the most girls today are not giving these guys a chance.

OK, let me make sure I understand you.

 

If I were single, because I am a woman I should be obligated to give EVERY SINGLE GUY a chance with me, just as long as I think he's decent??:eek:

 

Every single decent guy on earth certainly does not "deserve" a chance with me or with any other girl. We get to pair up with guys we WANT to be with!!

 

Why do you think this is wrong?

 

Also please share how your opinion that men should have sex with women before deciding whether to be in a relationship with one of them fits into this. Does "give a chance" mean have sex with all the decent guys?? :eek:

[preraph]

I think one date is plenty for a woman to know if she's still interested or not. I mean, I have gotten interested in guys I didn't consider attractive if they were exceptionally charming or brilliant, but I mean, I can tell that in one date. And even then, it's no guarantee that will be enough to overcome whatever else about the isn't to my taste. She's in med school and she's probably looking for some particular kind of guy. Doesn't mean another girl wouldn't think you were just great. It's just personal taste. But I really don't know of anyone who has benefited from keeping a guy around who is really into her but who she isn't attracted to after a date or two. It usually just turns into a mess if the guy (or woman) persists. It's mostly in the movies that kind of thing happens. Because movies are made to make people feel better, a lot of them.

 

I do think that one way someone you're neutral about might get under your skin is if you are repeatedly around them because you're working with them or whatever and everything is really clicking, but I still don't think you go from not being not at all interested to very interested. I just think you can go from mildly interested to moreinterested. But there's always dealbreakers, and everyone has their own. I mean, you never know what is going on in someone's head. You might meet them and they remind you of their farty little brother or their disgusting old uncle in some totally superficial way that nonetheless turns off the tap for you.

[losangelena]

And for the last goddamned time, if they're over the age of 18, they're WOMEN, not girls.

 

Jesus.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Girls are not equipped to be in relationships anymore.

How do you explain all the billions of girls who are married or in other relationships??

 

You are pretty stuck. Where you need to be looking is within yourself, to address your dating struggles. Not at us "girls."

[Blanco]

How do you explain all the billions of girls who are married or in other relationships??

 

You are pretty stuck. Where you need to be looking is within yourself, to address your dating struggles. Not at us "girls."

 

OP has nearly two years worth of posts and threads on matters similar to this. At some point, you stop blaming everyone else and start looking at the common denominator. Or don't and stay stuck repeating the same cycles.

[Imajerk17]

This is the reason the birth rate and the marriage rate are in decline in this country. Most girls today are simply not giving decent guys a chance anymore.

 

We went to the museum for our first date and looked around at the exhibits, chatting and getting to know eachother. Then we went down to the museum restaurant and had coffee. Then we went to the gift shop. Then we sat on the bench outside and chatted. I played a 1 minute sample on my phone of one my guitar practices since she was curious about my playing and said she wanted to hear it. She said I sounded great. We seemed to have a lot in common, and I felt things loosened up more the longer we were together.

 

Later:

ME: Hey, I had fun today. Let me know if you're still interested, and we'll come up with somethin' for next time.

HER: I really enjoyed talking with you yesterday! I think I'll pass on a second date, though. You seem wonderful, but school is kind of chaotic and I just wasn't feeling it. Best of luck with grad school!

ME: No problem. Good luck with med school. You seem like you've got your stuff together.

 

Look, I didn't feel any sexual sparks, but I didn't think I needed to this early. I wasn't expecting us to run to get our marriage licence either. It was a first meeting for two hours, and I was just trying to get to know her as a person. If I was a wonderful guy and we had fun together, why not meet up again? That's how I view it.

 

My best friend met her husband through a blind date set up by a mutual friend. She said at first she didn't feel any sparks for him, but she gave him and chance and he grew on her. I truly believe 99.9 percent of girls today are not like that. I honestly don't know what women are looking for in this day and age.

 

Count me among those who are calling it quits on the dating game. It's just too dysfunctional these days. I'm out, guys.

 

 

If this is just your frustration talking then I get it. But other than that, I am not seeing a reason for you to be pissed. She hung out with you for a couple hours. Then she had the courtesy to get back to you w a straight answer instead of ghosting.

 

All this talk about her saying you are a wonderful guy--don't take that too seriously. It's just her way of trying to soften the blow of rejection (as well as acknowledging that you may indeed be wonderful, for someone else).