Common expenses while dating

[No_Go]

He's contributing but the bare minimum. He was EXTREMELY irresponsible when younger. Every time he didn't like a job/boss, he took his belongings and moved to another one in a new city/state, burning tons of cash respectively. Last laudable move: he burned 10K of his 401K to buy furniture:/??? I just can't believe his stories.... Sound so insane to me.

 

Now, for the 13 months that we're dating, he paid off his student loan (at 38!!), bumped his credit from miserable score in the 600s to low 700 (which yet doesn't make him good coborower with me if need be....), and now is trying to start putting more than the bare minimum for retirement... I'd push him to do 10-20% but this will mean he'll not save anything for the house, that HE wants to participate in buying with me (I'm perfectly fine doing it alone, but then he'll be renter, not co-owner). He says he'll work till 70 - but angain, tha's wishful thinking, will he even be able-bodied by then? I feel like everything after 60 shouldn't be taken for granted... And since I started young, I want to travel etc when older, not care for somebody who was so irresponsible in his youth (If he was sick, the game will be obviously different, then I'd gladly support him. But he was just a rotten spoilt single kid depending on daddy till his early 30s).

 

He's not a horrible person. He just found ways to get along with life, and I think he was planning to live that way until its possible. When he reaches a brick wall, he steps up. But I don't want to be this brick wall because I'm afraid he'll start resenting me.

 

On the bright side, he did make quite some changes after I asked him to (the described above, cutting nonsensical cable bills etc) - so he's very 'workable' so to speak. I just don't enjoy mentoring a near-40 year old man. But it IS doable from what I've seen. Which I think is fairly rare in his age group (people get rigid and stubborn sometimes...).

 

I was terrible because I didn't tell him that I was mad till recently, and it was not a reasonable conversation but a burst of fights... I just couldn't hold it any longer So now he knows pretty much everything... Not in a good way but he does... On one side I feel guilty that it happened that way, on the other side - it was probably the only way to move forward.

 

He refuses making a budget - he makes changes but I feel like he wants to 'keep the control' by not letting me/us make a formal budget.

 

I'm really not a nickel and dime person... I've always been the one to pick the tab for my friends, never even though to keep track of them I have done it because I like it and I'm happy to make them happy. He's just so inconsiderate and honestly, cheap (as said he makes a bit more than me), that I don't feel like doing things for him. This will just make him ask for more.. and more... That's how it was when we started dating, before I start getting resentful.

 

I had 2 roommates before - we NEVER had the discussion who buys what, because we were happy to treat each other, nobody speculated, we were just happy to eat together and enjoy the company.

 

I do appreciate what he's doing in the house. I have to say - I NEVER asked for it. He likes doing it, he is good at it, he's indeed saving me time. But how to get over his lack of consideration and responsibility? Besides everything, I'm really trying to make it work because as said, he has qualities...

 

He's not even contributing to a 401(k) or whatever through his work?

 

All is not lost -- he still has nearly 30 years, or more, to save for retirement. I'm like you -- I started saving in my early 20s for retirement. But you have to understand that most people out there don't do that. It's not rare for people to start thinking about it in their 30s or even 40s. Even if you dump this guy and try to find someone else, you may have a hard time finding someone equivalent to you. I'd say the fact that he has a high income (which can also be hard to find) means you can work with it, provided he is willing. But you need to talk to him about this and his plan for the future. Is he willing to change and start saving?

 

But you seem so resentful of him already due to this, and have been since the relationship started. Can you even work with him on this stuff? Have you talked budget with him? Does he have any idea you are so mad over it all? Because the amounts you are talking seem so trivial...his few personal items versus your $10 lunch (or whatever). If you are nickel and diming over this stuff, and putting no value on the things he does around the house, I just can't see this getting better for you. It's never going to be exactly a 50/50 split when you are living with someone.

[No_Go]

I love how you managed to make it work with him! Besides being irresponsible, he showed you TRUST and you didn't speculate with it.

 

If I was given similar responsibility, I'd make him a rich person within an ear He's just clueless what to do with his money, he makes enough but wastes them

 

My financial situation with my ex-boyfriend was that I owned a townhouse, we agreed a fixed figure that he would pay each month for bills (half mortgage/utilities/internet etc). He was paying "rent", he was not under the impression that he was entitled to any kind of ownership of the townhouse and when repairs came along he was not expected to pay anything towards them.

 

We also came up with a fixed figure for grocery shopping. I have 2 dogs and a cat, their food/litter come out of the household budget, along with basic grooming/cleaning supplies like razors, deodorant. He was not expected to contribute to any vet bills, he did sometimes ask if there was enough room in the budget for health supplements. If there was we got them.

 

He is terrible with money, he could win the lottery tonight and things wouldn't change that much. It is one of his biggest weakness, luckily as a couple I was a lot stronger in that aspect. He asked me to take control of his finances, I had complete access to his bank account and card. I made sure his bills were paid on time and let him know how much he had to work with and handed out (for lack of a better word) his "allowance". Everything was on a spreadsheet so if he had any questions I could show him where his money had gone.

 

If we had stayed together / end up getting back together then I will always be in charge of the finances. We make about the same amount of money at the same workplace but he has more debt and outgoings than I do. I paid for about 99.9% of eating/going out, if there was a short fall in his budget then I would make up the difference. Some people at work call him cheap but the simple truth is he just doesn't have the money. It did put a bit of a strain on the relationship, but for the most part it was working. It might sound somewhat controlling on my part but it was something that he wanted and since we split he has brought up the subject of me taking over his finances again even though we're not together.

[No_Go]

Another great story of trust... How long have you been dating and living together?

 

In our case that's what is missing - he's just trying to mislead me with small amounts, but I find it disgusting... I honestly exploded because he said he has never had such a good housing arrangement, making me think he asked me to move in to be a cash cow, not a partner

 

My bf and I split most of our expenses(rent, electricity, food, water, internet) 50/50. He makes about double what I make, but I still feel like it's a fair arrangement because I don't want to be pulling him down with my low salary or keeping him from saving up money as he likes to do. It was also primarily my idea for us to move in together, so I wouldn't be comfortable with any other set up. If we were married and had a joint account maybe it would be different, but not in our current situation.

 

For food we have a set monthly amount that we spend and we each contribute half. Typically cosmetics and toiletries would not factor into this, unless it was just something small for a few dollars. Or, if it were more expensive like razors or make-up we would offer to pay for it separately unless the other "approved" it on the grocery bill.

 

For transportation my bf has his own car. He pays car insurance and gas, but we split the monthly parking cost(which is pretty expensive). I have my own transit pass to pay for and with how little I make, I just can't offer any more than I am. He understands.

 

When we go out to eat, we take turns paying. We don't keep track of how much we spend, but we just base it on whoever seems to have been paying more... then the other person will automatically offer to pay.

 

In general we don't argue about expenses. I think our mostly 50/50 approach has been very effective. It has, however, required a lot of initiative and trust on behalf of both of us.

[losangelena]

He's contributing but the bare minimum. He was EXTREMELY irresponsible when younger. Every time he didn't like a job/boss, he took his belongings and moved to another one in a new city/state, burning tons of cash respectively. Last laudable move: he burned 10K of his 401K to buy furniture:/??? I just can't believe his stories.... Sound so insane to me.

 

Now, for the 13 months that we're dating, he paid off his student loan (at 38!!), bumped his credit from miserable score in the 600s to low 700 (which yet doesn't make him good coborower with me if need be....), and now is trying to start putting more than the bare minimum for retirement... I'd push him to do 10-20% but this will mean he'll not save anything for the house, that HE wants to participate in buying with me (I'm perfectly fine doing it alone, but then he'll be renter, not co-owner). He says he'll work till 70 - but angain, tha's wishful thinking, will he even be able-bodied by then? I feel like everything after 60 shouldn't be taken for granted... And since I started young, I want to travel etc when older, not care for somebody who was so irresponsible in his youth (If he was sick, the game will be obviously different, then I'd gladly support him. But he was just a rotten spoilt single kid depending on daddy till his early 30s).

 

He's not a horrible person. He just found ways to get along with life, and I think he was planning to live that way until its possible. When he reaches a brick wall, he steps up. But I don't want to be this brick wall because I'm afraid he'll start resenting me.

 

On the bright side, he did make quite some changes after I asked him to (the described above, cutting nonsensical cable bills etc) - so he's very 'workable' so to speak. I just don't enjoy mentoring a near-40 year old man. But it IS doable from what I've seen. Which I think is fairly rare in his age group (people get rigid and stubborn sometimes...).

 

I was terrible because I didn't tell him that I was mad till recently, and it was not a reasonable conversation but a burst of fights... I just couldn't hold it any longer So now he knows pretty much everything... Not in a good way but he does... On one side I feel guilty that it happened that way, on the other side - it was probably the only way to move forward.

 

He refuses making a budget - he makes changes but I feel like he wants to 'keep the control' by not letting me/us make a formal budget.

 

I'm really not a nickel and dime person... I've always been the one to pick the tab for my friends, never even though to keep track of them I have done it because I like it and I'm happy to make them happy. He's just so inconsiderate and honestly, cheap (as said he makes a bit more than me), that I don't feel like doing things for him. This will just make him ask for more.. and more... That's how it was when we started dating, before I start getting resentful.

 

I had 2 roommates before - we NEVER had the discussion who buys what, because we were happy to treat each other, nobody speculated, we were just happy to eat together and enjoy the company.

 

I do appreciate what he's doing in the house. I have to say - I NEVER asked for it. He likes doing it, he is good at it, he's indeed saving me time. But how to get over his lack of consideration and responsibility? Besides everything, I'm really trying to make it work because as said, he has qualities...

 

Girl, I dunno. You already consider what he's doing as "a lack of consideration and responsibility," this doesn't sound like a solid relational foundation to me. Furthermore, if you really value saving money and investing, then I don't know how you made it so far with someone who clearly doesn't. Or does not to the same extent.

 

Also, my mom still works part time (because she wants to) and she's 74. So 60 seems like quite a young cut-off age.

[Xelha]

We have been dating since February 2014 and we moved in a few months later in June 2014. So about 2 years.

 

That sort of comment about never having had such a good housing arrangement would have irked me as well if I were in that position. I had a roommate once that took advantage of my good nature and at first I thought it was unintentional so I was understanding to an extent. But the day I found out that these were conscious decisions and she was being manipulative on purpose, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. So really, I guess a lot of things come down to whether or not they are done on purpose. Is your bf aware that he is doing these things?

[No_Go]

Girl, I dunno. You already consider what he's doing as "a lack of consideration and responsibility," this doesn't sound like a solid relational foundation to me. Furthermore, if you really value saving money and investing, then I don't know how you made it so far with someone who clearly doesn't. Or does not to the same extent.

 

Also, my mom still works part time (because she wants to) and she's 74. So 60 seems like quite a young cut-off age.

 

LA, I think I've stayed with him because he does show desire (and actions) to improve. I'm probably painting him as a terrible person, he's just... 38 yo that forgot to grow up. I don't know if it matters but he lost his mom in his mid teens and got into depressive swings for the next decade... Maybe that's why he's lagging behind his peers. But he talks about her with resentment... so I'm having hard time to see why he has been so depressed (he thinks it all started before she died).

 

Ugh it has been 13 months this week... I think I can work around being irresponsible (although I'm getting pissy about teaching him to be an adult, well - I can leave with it ).

 

The lack of consideration is the thing that is breaking the grounds. Is he just having ass**lish characteristics, is it a result of mental issues from the past/present, am I overreacting? I don't know. It is hard to gauge. Would a couple's therapy be helpful to figure this out? We've talked about it... I'm just concerned they'll be trying to reconcile us rather than being objective? Maybe it's worth the shot...

[No_Go]

We have been dating since February 2014 and we moved in a few months later in June 2014. So about 2 years.

 

That sort of comment about never having had such a good housing arrangement would have irked me as well if I were in that position. I had a roommate once that took advantage of my good nature and at first I thought it was unintentional so I was understanding to an extent. But the day I found out that these were conscious decisions and she was being manipulative on purpose, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. So really, I guess a lot of things come down to whether or not they are done on purpose. Is your bf aware that he is doing these things?

Is your bf aware that he is doing these things? No idea. If I was sure I'd break it off with him. It seems like he's having huge issues with living together unmarried because of his (judging) church friends, so my gut feeling is that his comments are also a way to excuse (himself) about that.

[d0nnivain]

No Go

 

People have different relationships with money. Mine has always been an abundance mentality: It's only money we'll make more.

 

I think you are your guy have fundamentally incompatible relationships with money & that finances will always be a sticking point for the two of you.

 

Then again you don't really know. Until we started drafting our pre-nup & we were married my husband thought I was frivolous & lived an extravagant life style. He didn't realize how much effort I put into getting great things for the lowest price. For example I found the high end flooring for our recent kitchen renovation on closeout. I paid 11% of retail. I bought the range hood over the internet for $299; it was $750 retail.

[Xelha]

I think that comment he made in itself is proof that he is conscious of it, at least on some level. With my ex roommate, what clued me in was when she made a comment to me about mooching off of and manipulating some other friends of hers(basically she was unemployed and couldn't pay her part of the expenses), and then I realized that the same behavioural patterns were present in our own situation.

 

If this has been going on for over a year already I doubt it's going to get better on its own. I think you need to have a good talk with him about everything and reach a better agreement between the two of you about how to better divide the expenses and about what works and doesn't work for both of you.

[losangelena]

LA, I think I've stayed with him because he does show desire (and actions) to improve. I'm probably painting him as a terrible person, he's just... 38 yo that forgot to grow up. I don't know if it matters but he lost his mom in his mid teens and got into depressive swings for the next decade... Maybe that's why he's lagging behind his peers. But he talks about her with resentment... so I'm having hard time to see why he has been so depressed (he thinks it all started before she died).

 

Ugh it has been 13 months this week... I think I can work around being irresponsible (although I'm getting pissy about teaching him to be an adult, well - I can leave with it ).

 

The lack of consideration is the thing that is breaking the grounds. Is he just having ass**lish characteristics, is it a result of mental issues from the past/present, am I overreacting? I don't know. It is hard to gauge. Would a couple's therapy be helpful to figure this out? We've talked about it... I'm just concerned they'll be trying to reconcile us rather than being objective? Maybe it's worth the shot...

 

 

I DEFINITELY think you should talk to someone before you get married, yes. Y'all need to work on your communication (no offense).

 

Your BF actually sounds a lot like me. It took me many, many years to even grasp the concept of what it means to be financially responsible, to value what it means to be an "adult," to take responsibility for things. That doesn't make me a "bad person," I just was not raised being taught to value those things, and it wasn't until I got to my early 30s that I could see how the choices I'd made in my 20s had had a net negative impact on my life. Being very religious in my 20s didn't help, because I always thought, especially when it came to money, that "God would take care of it."

 

In realizing that I want to do things differently, I've started making changes, but I if I compare myself to my peers, yes I do have "catching up" to do. But, it's dangerous to assign a moral value to this, because whether they're self-made or external, everyone faces hardships in life. Someone who's spent their early adulthood saving and being responsible can end up facing great misfortune later on, there's just no guarantee.

 

It's great that your BF is making positive changes. It is not YOUR job to teach him adulting skills. It's your job to love him and to be honest about how you feel, and to realize that if really ARE incompatible in this area, that it's OK to move on.

[No_Go]

Well to put some context on his comment he was sharing the apartment prior to me with a roommate who barely ever payed for rent, never for anything else... Under the context that he (the roommate) was broke.

 

But you're right, if he was with me for love he'd probably don't even think (let alone to talk) about the comfortable living situation that he's in now

 

We spoke a lot about these, in the end he said he though the end goal is to pull money together anyway, I'm not sure if this is sign of commitment or desire to benefit though:( More talking to come, I'm afraid that's inevitable... I won't sign a new lease before doing so.

 

I think that comment he made in itself is proof that he is conscious of it, at least on some level. With my ex roommate, what clued me in was when she made a comment to me about mooching off of and manipulating some other friends of hers(basically she was unemployed and couldn't pay her part of the expenses), and then I realized that the same behavioural patterns were present in our own situation.

 

If this has been going on for over a year already I doubt it's going to get better on its own. I think you need to have a good talk with him about everything and reach a better agreement between the two of you about how to better divide the expenses and about what works and doesn't work for both of you.

[No_Go]

D0nnivain,

 

He is actually very much like you. He says if he earns more, he'll spend more. On the other side, he's always on a search for deals / discounts. I haven't seen him buying something full price in our time together.

 

It is encouraging you worked it out with your husband, and that the prenup led you there. Did you have many discussions before the prenup? If I remember correctly, you're the higher earner back then, did this affect the discussions (i.e. you're more frivolous but it could be assigned to having higher standard because of higher income)?

 

No Go

 

People have different relationships with money. Mine has always been an abundance mentality: It's only money we'll make more.

 

I think you are your guy have fundamentally incompatible relationships with money & that finances will always be a sticking point for the two of you.

 

Then again you don't really know. Until we started drafting our pre-nup & we were married my husband thought I was frivolous & lived an extravagant life style. He didn't realize how much effort I put into getting great things for the lowest price. For example I found the high end flooring for our recent kitchen renovation on closeout. I paid 11% of retail. I bought the range hood over the internet for $299; it was $750 retail.

[No_Go]

LA I'm sorry if I sounded offensive when I described him.

 

When you said 'I just was not raised being taught to value those things, and it wasn't until I got to my early 30s' - I can say the same for me, but 'these things' in my case = communication. My family was never good with sharing, everything was done behind closed doors. Also, most of my female relatives harbored resentment to their husbands (my main caregiver - maternal grandma always told me she'd be doing so much better off if she stayed single... She wa a professional woman, bright, smart, vibrant, but bad in interpersonal skills within the family. Her students, coworkers etc loved her).

 

So I personally have a lot of catching up to do, just in a different sphere. I honestly find myself nitpicking sometimes because I want to sabotage it to avoid the coming family introduction... as stupid as it sounds.

 

Someone who's spent their early adulthood saving and being responsible can end up facing great misfortune later on, there's just no guarantee. - so true, and I'm btw far from a millionaire, no backup from 'old money', if I get sick and out of the market, I'm pretty much done Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive on the subject.

 

It's your job to love him and to be honest about how you feel - I've been miserably failing on sharing feelings, that's another reason I think maybe it's better to let him go... Unless of course we somehow manage to partner up on our respective strengths and weaknesses, which I think complement... But that requires trust I'm not sure we have it.

 

Another thing that always resonates wit me when I read your posts: religion. His religious views are the hidden trap dragging us down. As you, he was very religious when younger (he didn't even have a GF till mid-30s, just few platonic blips here and there...) - so he's learning the ropes of being in a relationship pretty much with me. He's less strict now, but he's still being comfortable being friends only with people going to church (exception for sports peers). I'm pretty much as agnostic, I have my spiritual side but will probably never be a blind believer. Maybe that's holding him back, and this is I think a bigger hindrance than what I describe for expenses etc, but I have no idea how to tackle this. I'm just curious - when you were in your religious years, would you consider being with someone who doesn't believe/believes less? Would this affect your social circle if you have chosen so? I'm afraid to ask this questions to him directly.

 

I DEFINITELY think you should talk to someone before you get married, yes. Y'all need to work on your communication (no offense).

 

Your BF actually sounds a lot like me. It took me many, many years to even grasp the concept of what it means to be financially responsible, to value what it means to be an "adult," to take responsibility for things. That doesn't make me a "bad person," I just was not raised being taught to value those things, and it wasn't until I got to my early 30s that I could see how the choices I'd made in my 20s had had a net negative impact on my life. Being very religious in my 20s didn't help, because I always thought, especially when it came to money, that "God would take care of it."

 

In realizing that I want to do things differently, I've started making changes, but I if I compare myself to my peers, yes I do have "catching up" to do. But, it's dangerous to assign a moral value to this, because whether they're self-made or external, everyone faces hardships in life. Someone who's spent their early adulthood saving and being responsible can end up facing great misfortune later on, there's just no guarantee.

 

It's great that your BF is making positive changes. It is not YOUR job to teach him adulting skills. It's your job to love him and to be honest about how you feel, and to realize that if really ARE incompatible in this area, that it's OK to move on.

[clia]

Another great story of trust... How long have you been dating and living together?

 

In our case that's what is missing - he's just trying to mislead me with small amounts, but I find it disgusting... I honestly exploded because he said he has never had such a good housing arrangement, making me think he asked me to move in to be a cash cow, not a partner

 

What do you mean he's trying to mislead you with small amounts? Do you really believe he is actively trying to trick you into paying for his stuff? If so, you've got bigger problems here. If my boyfriend's razors (or whatever) were part of the grocery bill, I wouldn't jump to assuming he was trying to trick me into paying for them. I would assume it was just easier for him than checking out separately.

 

Maybe he said he never had such a good housing arrangement before because you actually pay your share of the rent and bills, unlike his previous roommate. Again, you are so suspicious of his motives. Not good.

 

I have to admit that I've kind of lost track over what added costs you're so angry about. How much extra do you think you are contributing that you feel should be split equally or that you shouldn't have to contribute to?

 

From your post above, he is contributing to a retirement account, just not as much as you think he should be contributing. He's paid off his student loans and raised his credit score. It sounds to me like he's making progress. He doesn't do things the same way you do, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you want a guy who does things your way, you should probably go find that guy. Or decide you can live with this one.

[losangelena]

LA I'm sorry if I sounded offensive when I described him.

 

No worries. I don't think you sounded defensive at all. I think people come by things at different points in their lives. For you, financial responsibility is something that came more quickly, whereas you maybe lag in communication. No one has it all perfectly worked out yet.

 

Another thing that always resonates wit me when I read your posts: religion. His religious views are the hidden trap dragging us down. As you, he was very religious when younger (he didn't even have a GF till mid-30s, just few platonic blips here and there...) - so he's learning the ropes of being in a relationship pretty much with me. He's less strict now, but he's still being comfortable being friends only with people going to church (exception for sports peers). I'm pretty much as agnostic, I have my spiritual side but will probably never be a blind believer. Maybe that's holding him back, and this is I think a bigger hindrance than what I describe for expenses etc, but I have no idea how to tackle this. I'm just curious - when you were in your religious years, would you consider being with someone who doesn't believe/believes less? Would this affect your social circle if you have chosen so? I'm afraid to ask this questions to him directly.

 

Right. I barely dated when I was religious. But, for sure, someone's "spiritual health" was a very important factor in determining their relational suitability.

 

Which, looking back on it now, I think is fairly problematic. In my experience and the experience of my peers, everyone just seemed confused about dating. There were rules, unspoken and not, and to wander outside of what was considered "expected" was largely frowned upon.

 

I think a lot of men, wanting to explore physical intimacy, went outside the church to date, but kept it a secret, or some struggled with reconciling their (closeted) homosexuality and found it easier just not to date. Many women covered up fears of intimacy by saying things like, "I'm waiting for God to bring me my spouse," and didn't date, either. Anyway, dating is one area of the church that (in my mind) is totally eff-ed up.

 

But I'd say, if your BF is dating you and is open about it to his church friends, he may be reevaluating his beliefs, or at least letting go of the more stringent aspects of it. That means he's thinking critically, and that's good. And sometimes one can lead to the other. Like when I started doing OLD, I dated both Christians and non, and quickly found myself having sexual experiences I wasn't expecting. Doing that is what caused me to reexamine my own values, because I thought, "well, if I can have sex with someone on our second date, how much to I truly value purity or virginity?" Turns out, I didn't, and I realized that "Christianity" for me was more of social norm than a true belief, and in the process of learning that, I've begun to live a much more authentic life. That did have social consequences though. There are some church friends who think I've "fallen away" and am "living in sin." Well, I don't speak to those people anymore.

 

It was really a profound change. I don't know your BF, so I can't say if that's what he's going through, but he may be happy to talk about it if you ask. I never felt comfortable telling my ex about it, but he was never interested to talk about that kind of stuff, and I felt like there was a whole deep side to myself that he had no knowledge of. I know it's a daunting idea, but maybe just ask him about it beyond how it pertains to you and your relationship, but rather what his journey has been. It may bring you closer, who knows.

[RecentChange]

religion. His religious views are the hidden trap dragging us down. As you, he was very religious when younger.... I'm pretty much as agnostic.

 

Oy - you two do not see eye to eye on religion either? Where would you score you two on the following:

 

6 Absolute Must-Haves for Relationship Compatibility

 

1. Timeliness & Punctuality

How many relationship arguments have started over, “Why are you always 30 minutes late to everything?” People who aren’t compatible in how punctual…. will find one person always unhappy with the other person’s timeliness.

 

2. Cleanliness & Orderliness

People who are neat and orderly often find it difficult, if not downright challenging, to live with someone who’s a slob….

 

3. Money & Spending

More couples argue about money and finances than anything else (well, except maybe for the next one). This is a much larger issue than most relationships ever consider at the onset. Couples who are on the same page with their money and finances will usually find it easier going than those with wildly divergent spending behaviors.

 

4. Sex & Intimacy

How many articles have been written about the importance of sex and intimacy in a relationship? It may be hard to gauge how sexually compatible you are at the beginning of a relationship, since sex is usually more of a shared enjoyment then. But as the newness wears off, it’s a good time to gauge whether your sexual needs and desires are truly similar….

 

5. Life Priorities & Tempo

Different people work and live at different tempos in life. Discovering and acknowledging your own personal tempo is an important step to finding someone with a similar and compatible tempo….

 

6. Spirituality & Religion

Many people who come from two different religious backgrounds make their relationship work. However, talk to such couples and you’ll find most of the agree it can sometimes be a challenge — especially if children are involved….

[No_Go]

About paying stuff: my interpretation is that he paid for other stuff that he though I'm not contributing (house stuff, dates on his initiative), so he decided to 'even it out' that way. I maybe over-reading.

 

I started this tread mostly bummed by the fact he's trying to exert control that way, and in the fear of the upcoming mortgage situation.

 

For the housing situation remark I'm probably over-reading. It is concerning actually because it shows lack of trust indeed (from my side).

 

He is making progress. Ugh, I just think there are overall stressors (that will pass) and maybe bad compatibility (that will stay unless someone of us bends / leaves).

 

What do you mean he's trying to mislead you with small amounts? Do you really believe he is actively trying to trick you into paying for his stuff? If so, you've got bigger problems here. If my boyfriend's razors (or whatever) were part of the grocery bill, I wouldn't jump to assuming he was trying to trick me into paying for them. I would assume it was just easier for him than checking out separately.

 

Maybe he said he never had such a good housing arrangement before because you actually pay your share of the rent and bills, unlike his previous roommate. Again, you are so suspicious of his motives. Not good.

 

I have to admit that I've kind of lost track over what added costs you're so angry about. How much extra do you think you are contributing that you feel should be split equally or that you shouldn't have to contribute to?

 

From your post above, he is contributing to a retirement account, just not as much as you think he should be contributing. He's paid off his student loans and raised his credit score. It sounds to me like he's making progress. He doesn't do things the same way you do, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you want a guy who does things your way, you should probably go find that guy. Or decide you can live with this one.

[No_Go]

1 - good, he's punctual, me too

2 - good, he's better than me but overall we're on the same page

3 - issues, he's living for now, I'm planning future most of the time

4 - good, no problems here

5 - so-so, I'm planning big career moves that require sometimes fast swings, he wants (and has) well paying medium paced job

6 - issues, we both come from non-practicing Christian families, I chose to keep it this way before meeting him (towards agnosticism), he chose to be active (although I'd say moderate)

 

Oy - you two do not see eye to eye on religion either? Where would you score you two on the following:

 

6 Absolute Must-Haves for Relationship Compatibility

 

1. Timeliness & Punctuality

How many relationship arguments have started over, “Why are you always 30 minutes late to everything?” People who aren’t compatible in how punctual…. will find one person always unhappy with the other person’s timeliness.

 

2. Cleanliness & Orderliness

People who are neat and orderly often find it difficult, if not downright challenging, to live with someone who’s a slob….

 

3. Money & Spending

More couples argue about money and finances than anything else (well, except maybe for the next one). This is a much larger issue than most relationships ever consider at the onset. Couples who are on the same page with their money and finances will usually find it easier going than those with wildly divergent spending behaviors.

 

4. Sex & Intimacy

How many articles have been written about the importance of sex and intimacy in a relationship? It may be hard to gauge how sexually compatible you are at the beginning of a relationship, since sex is usually more of a shared enjoyment then. But as the newness wears off, it’s a good time to gauge whether your sexual needs and desires are truly similar….

 

5. Life Priorities & Tempo

Different people work and live at different tempos in life. Discovering and acknowledging your own personal tempo is an important step to finding someone with a similar and compatible tempo….

 

6. Spirituality & Religion

Many people who come from two different religious backgrounds make their relationship work. However, talk to such couples and you’ll find most of the agree it can sometimes be a challenge — especially if children are involved….

[No_Go]

Thanks, this is useful to know. Especially reading this 'I felt like there was a whole deep side to myself that he had no knowledge' I can just picture he feels similarly.

 

Maybe in our case is less extreme because I'm somewhat spiritual myself, and he's a very 'logical' believer if I can put it that way. Also the church that he wants to make his social circle at is very 'modern' - e.g. gay marriages, women leads etc are openly discussed with little judgement at least on the surface.

 

That will sound terrible (hope nobody takes offence) but I'm somewhat convinced that his religious beliefs are more or less his source of validation that he'd be accepted in a certain social circle (he had tons of issues with not feeling accepted, feeling isolated and looked down before turning to churches).

 

More tacky subjects to talk in person...

 

No worries. I don't think you sounded defensive at all. I think people come by things at different points in their lives. For you, financial responsibility is something that came more quickly, whereas you maybe lag in communication. No one has it all perfectly worked out yet.

 

 

 

Right. I barely dated when I was religious. But, for sure, someone's "spiritual health" was a very important factor in determining their relational suitability.

 

Which, looking back on it now, I think is fairly problematic. In my experience and the experience of my peers, everyone just seemed confused about dating. There were rules, unspoken and not, and to wander outside of what was considered "expected" was largely frowned upon.

 

I think a lot of men, wanting to explore physical intimacy, went outside the church to date, but kept it a secret, or some struggled with reconciling their (closeted) homosexuality and found it easier just not to date. Many women covered up fears of intimacy by saying things like, "I'm waiting for God to bring me my spouse," and didn't date, either. Anyway, dating is one area of the church that (in my mind) is totally eff-ed up.

 

But I'd say, if your BF is dating you and is open about it to his church friends, he may be reevaluating his beliefs, or at least letting go of the more stringent aspects of it. That means he's thinking critically, and that's good. And sometimes one can lead to the other. Like when I started doing OLD, I dated both Christians and non, and quickly found myself having sexual experiences I wasn't expecting. Doing that is what caused me to reexamine my own values, because I thought, "well, if I can have sex with someone on our second date, how much to I truly value purity or virginity?" Turns out, I didn't, and I realized that "Christianity" for me was more of social norm than a true belief, and in the process of learning that, I've begun to live a much more authentic life. That did have social consequences though. There are some church friends who think I've "fallen away" and am "living in sin." Well, I don't speak to those people anymore.

 

It was really a profound change. I don't know your BF, so I can't say if that's what he's going through, but he may be happy to talk about it if you ask. I never felt comfortable telling my ex about it, but he was never interested to talk about that kind of stuff, and I felt like there was a whole deep side to myself that he had no knowledge of. I know it's a daunting idea, but maybe just ask him about it beyond how it pertains to you and your relationship, but rather what his journey has been. It may bring you closer, who knows.